A change is coming...

Riley recalls our breakfast at the pancake house and informs me that it would have been much better if we had shared a bottle of champagne during our meal. This leads us to an interesting conversation and an example of how charming and manipulative an alcoholic can be.

I love wine. I even love a nice gin and tonic on a hot summer day. The perfect drink with my perfect steak is a thick, full-bodied cabernet. Here’s the catch. When Riley came to stay with me I had two previously opened bottles of wine in the fridge and they had been there for almost a month. I had a nicely stocked liquor cabinet complete with a variety of brandy and other liqueur like Tia Maria and Sambuca. It had taken me years to stock the cabinet and I seldom emptied a bottle of anything – even things like gin or vodka just didn’t seem to run out. When I want a drink or want to serve drinks to my guests, I had what I needed. But, one or two is enough for me and if my guests want to get drunk they know to go to someone else’s house.

This is common knowledge for anyone who has know me for more than a week. Riley knows this fact about me. And, he has starting asking me if I want to pick up some wine to go with dinner. I give him a look. He says he doesn’t believe having some wine with dinner would hurt him any. And, oh by the way, he knows I would enjoy a glass and he doesn’t want to deprive me of the pleasure of things I enjoy.

OMG – is he kidding me!!  The only thing Riley is depriving me of by me not having wine at dinner is the insanity that follows that bottle. The truth is if there were wine at dinner I would only get one glass because the rest of the bottle would be gone before I finished that one glass.

A slippery slope…

In AA you will hear the phrase “slippery slope”. I’ve heard it in other places too, but mostly in AA meetings. A slippery slope is something or some situation that an alcoholic knows has put him at risk of drinking in the past. For example, going to a bar would be a place that is a slippery slope for an alcoholic.

There is also the fact that a true alcoholic cannot have ONE drink. That’s the whole issue of alcoholism. One drink will turn off the common sense element in the alcoholic’s brain and they will believe they can just drink the town under the table.

Riley knows this. He was involved with AA and other programs for years. And yet… he wants to have wine with dinner. Oh – and let’s not forget champagne with breakfast…  I don’t know if it is the brain damage talking or the alcoholism – probably both.

In any event, I don’t need wine with my dinner to enjoy my steak. If I have my choice between wine and a sober brain damaged Riley, I chose the later. But, since there has been soooooo much conversation and remarks lately, I know that the atmosphere out here in the country is about to change.

I have always said that if it gets to the point that Riley comes right out and asks me to buy him vodka – I will buy the vodka. I might wait a while and see how often he asks. I won’t jump up from my computer and run to the liquor store. It will involve attempts at rationality and common sense. But in the end – it’s not my body or my life. If he chooses to destroy himself, then he has that option.

I also know that NOT buying the vodka will also result in the deterioration of my peaceful existence as it is now. Riley will become more and more passive aggressive and there will be more confrontations over the “simple” things – like feeding the dog from the dining table. Little meaningless things will turn into giant mountains. He will also start drinking things with alcohol as an ingredient – such as mouthwash. If he wants alcohol – he will find it – somehow – someplace.

My only problem with buying the vodka is an issue of life and death -- his death and my contribution to that death by providing him the means. On the other hand, simply buying the vodka doesn’t mean he has to drink it.  He could easily consume products not intended for consumption that contain alcohol and cause a much more rapid end result.

I know we are reaching that decision point. No matter what, I know what the result will be. It’s a bridge that will be crossed – at least I know what is on the other side. I know what to expect and I know that the alcohol hazed insanity will be trying to edge its way into my total focal point rather than staying on the peripheral edge.

My battle will not be to keep him sober – it will be in maintaining my ability to deal with reality as it is. My battle will be to not try to save him again when he doesn’t want salvation.

Greener pastures...

I love living in the country. I love not having neighbors who know everything I do by virtue of listening out their back door. I love having a yard that can accommodate a large garden. I love letting the dog out to endless scampering without a leash. I love having the cat leave me a mouse on the front step every morning. I love the smell of the fresh air without exhaust fumes. And --- I love that Riley can’t walk to a liquor store. I love that I have control over when he leaves the property and why. But, even without Riley, I would still love and live in the country.

Riley loves the city. He prefers everything to be in walking distance. He loves having his neighbors so close that you can hear them flush their toilet. He doesn’t mind walking the dog on a leash and using a pooper-scooper. He doesn’t mind changing the cat’s litter box. His idea of a garden is a tomato plant on the balcony. Over his morning coffee, he likes to plan and then shop for tonight’s dinner. He loves the urban lifestyle. Most importantly, he would love to take back control over his coming and going.

I admit… I’m all into what makes my life easier and the fact that I now have Riley back in my life means that I have no shame in doing what is best and happiest for me. So… if you think I’m being selfish – consider a recent conversation that followed our great breakfast outing. Keep in mind that having Riley with me is not for Riley or for me, but for keeping our daughter’s  life sanely intact.

Riley told me he wants to move back to the city. He states that what he wants more than anything is for ME to live with him in the city. Of course, this gets my attention because for most of the past 40 years – I have never been the woman he would have CHOSEN to be ANYWHERE with. So I pressed him on the issue.

After the long drawn out explanation as to why he wanted to be with ME in the city – the truth came out. Riley knows he can’t live alone if he returns to drinking. He doesn’t really want to live with me. BUT – if he lives with me in the city, he knows I’ll take care of him as he actively continues his alcohol adventure. I’m not the chosen woman – I’m just the only one left who will take care of him.

He better get used to overalls and plaid shirts.

A beautiful day in the neighborhood…

It’s a rare day when I can convince Riley to do anything social. I usually have to disguise leaving the house as a necessary chore. Once we are out in the world, it isn’t always an easy step to get him interested in doing something a little social or outside the box of planned activities. But there are times when he is agreeable.

Such was the case last Sunday when we headed out to a big box hardware store to pick up a few things. He was very helpful in gathering the items and didn’t complain too much about how much was in the cart. He even suggested that he needed a ball cap that had two headlights in the visor. He was laughing about the ball cap and truly seemed to be enjoying himself.

It was nice to have him in the present and actively partaking in an activity. I loved seeing him having fun when there was no alcohol involvement.

After we completed the shopping, I suggested we go to breakfast at one of the local pancake houses. To my surprise, he was actually in agreement with the suggestion.

Riley was in one of his a rare conversational mood. There didn’t seem to be a lot of brain damage going on and I was able to follow most of what he was talking about. Again, he was laughing and joking over the menu and anything else that struck his fancy.

After breakfast we stopped at a grocery store that we had never shopped in before. It had a huge variety of different grocery items that I had had difficulty finding in the other stores that were closer to our house. We were like kids in a candy store only we were excited about finding rye flour and juniper berries. He noticed the extensive deli that was next to the elaborate wine section.

On the way home, I thought to myself… this day matched this morning’s sunrise.

You may be a co-dependent if you…

Call out sick for your alcoholic;

Wait until your alcoholic is passed out before serving your kids dinner;

Stop having your friends and family over to visit;

Make excuses for your alcoholic’s behavior;

Hide the remote so you can laugh at the alcoholic when he can’t find it;

Flatten the car tires so he can’t drive to the liquor store;

Add water to the vodka or tea to the bourbon;

Tell the alcoholic you have a terminal illness to force him to be responsible;

Withdraw all the money when the bank opens on payday to keep him from buying booze;

Explain Daddy’s behavior as him being such a funny clown;

Leave him -- only to return the next day;

Put ipecac in the whiskey;

Have a temper tantrum to get his attention;

Blame the alcoholic for over-drawing the account after you’ve gone on a shopping spree;

Minimize your faults because “at least” you’re not a drunk;

Send your children to live with your mother to keep them away from the alcoholic;

Throw away or hide all his clothes and shoes;

Get him insured for a million dollars then give him the car keys;

Move across town or across country to have a “fresh” start;

Bail him out of jail when he’s in the drunk tank; and,

Aren’t employed because your main job is taking care of the alcoholic.

Do you find any of these actions absurd? Well, I’ve talked to spouses who have admitted to doing many of the things I’ve listed above. I, myself, have done at least half of those insane things. I can tell you without a doubt, none of those actions stopped or delayed Riley’s drinking. In fact, they had absolutely no effect at all.

Co-dependency is not a bad word in my “Linda Dictionary of Terms.” There are times when co-dependency is preferable. There is a key to knowing when to be and when not to be. Ask yourself how your actions will serve you and/or your family? For every action there is a reaction. Will the reaction be positive or negative? What is your motivation behind the action? If it is to get the alcoholic to stop or slow his drinking or to harm the alcoholic – you’re probably being adversely co-dependent.

If a husband depends on his wife to take care of the household so that he can go to work and earn a living – that’s a healthy co-dependent relationship. But, if the husband goes to work and then goes to the bar and gets drunk before coming home, thereby creating chaos in the house and then, the wife calls all the alcoholic’s friends and blames them for getting her husband into trouble. This would not be a healthy co-dependent relationship.

I mean really… doesn’t the non-alcoholic have better things to do with their allotted time on earth than to just watch over the alcoholic? Don’t get caught up in this spiral – it’s not worth it. And will never give you the result you really want.

Be sure to check out the page entitled: What the Non-Alcoholic Can Do…

Taking the dys out of dysfunctional...

To be dysfunctional would mean that something does not function as it was intended.  When the term is used in relation to an alcoholic and his family it describes a family which centers in conflict or abuse by certain family members upon other family members. The family members grow to accept the conflict and abuse as being “normal” family dynamics.

I’m fortunate that I don’t have a drunk with violent tendencies. Drunk or sober, Riley never raises a fist to anyone – even if it is justifiable. In sobriety, he doesn’t like to argue and will avoid conflict by any means possible.

However, in the alcohol haze, when his brain reaches a certain alcohol saturation point, he cannot be reasoned with. He will argue with me over even the littlest minor things. It’s frustrating and irritating, but not life-threatening.  He will form some idea and will insist that the idea is infallible. As the drinking takes over more and more of his brain, the more difficult it is to keep him at a verbally peaceful level.

There are three levels to our functionality. There is my level, Riley’s sober level and Riley’s drunk level. In the mist of all of this we find a way to live our life in a manner that functions for both of us. I’m not saying things don’t get jumbled up when he is drunk – they do. But the level of jumble is a level that I can manage because I never expected that this would be easy road.

I handle all the finances, organization of the household, and even choosing medical care. I decide what’s for dinner and when we eat. I control both my life and Riley’s life. And… I still work a full time job from my home office.

While he is sober, Riley enjoys cleaning. He feeds the animals and puts away the leftovers from dinner.  He sets up the coffee pot at night and keeps my coffee warm in the mornings.

When he is drunk, he does almost nothing but look at computer porn, sleep and drink. There is nothing else in his life that interests him. When he is awake and in my presence he complains. That’s his function. He is true to this function and it must serve him well because it never changes.

We don’t argue over his drinking because I’ve accepted the fact that he is a drunk and drunks drink. It is who he is. I can’t stop him. I can create detours from the drinking but it’s never a permanent route. It doesn’t consume my life or actions. I still love to read, cook, shop, play with the grandkids… and I do them whenever I can. I don’t let Riley’s alcohol level prevent me from living and enjoying my life.

Yes, I do some things differently because I have a brain damaged resident in my house. But they are little things that, in the grand scheme of things, really aren’t that important. For the most part, my household and my life would run very much the same with or without Riley – drunk or sober.

It also helps that I don’t feel the same emotions for Riley as I did when we were first together. Everything was more difficult when I was “in love” with him and attempting to have a solid marriage. When he was working and drinking and we were raising two children, my focus was more on trying to keep everything running smoothly. The only reason we functioned then was because he spent so much time away from home. When he was no longer working and the kids were grown and his drinking had consumed his life,  I left him because as a unit we did not function well. We were not able to work together towards a better life. Riley had the life he wanted and I didn’t fit because I didn’t drink and didn’t want to put up with his abhorrent behavior.

I guess the key here is… I’ve detached myself from Riley’s actions and won’t allow him to stop me from enjoying my life. He creates problems and makes me question my morality. But, he can’t stop me from enjoying my life.

Al-Anon says – detach with love. I’m detached from Riley because of the love I have for my daughter and her family. I will take care of him and keep him safe within the confines of this house. I will prevent him from causing harm to others. I do this not because I’m hoping he will change. I do it because it is my moral responsibility.

Taking all that into consideration, our unit is not dysfunctional. We may have the strangest relationship on the planet, but we are not dysfunctional. Do we function as we intended when we met 40 years ago? Oh Hell No! Definitely not! Our roles are different now and because we have accommodated for the difference – we function.

On the other hand… there is always the knowledge that this is a delicate balance that can be tipped by the dysfunctional insanity that lives in my peripheral vision.

Driving along in my automobile...

I saw a news article on TV about a young teen-age girl who was killed when a drunk driver jumped the sidewalk and hit her as she was walking to school. It was such a shame – a young life snipped away in a moment by a reckless irresponsible sot.

The article reminded me of conversations I had had with Riley on numerous occasions. His point of view is that he is perfectly capable of driving while he is drunk. My point of view is that no one under the influence of ANYTHING such as alcohol or drugs should ever get behind the wheel of something could be turned into a lethal weapon.

Riley’s point of view is that he’s been driving drunk for more than 15 years and, therefore, knows how to drive when he is intoxicated. He has never had an accident so he must be doing something right. He has had a few DUI tickets, but nothing more sinister than that.

I must admire the fact that he has thought this out and has used logic to argue his point. It doesn’t matter that it’s a warped point of view or a point of view that could kill some unsuspecting person. It is his point of view. But my admiration ends there.

 It is unconscionable to me that any person would put another person’s life in danger in such a manner. Especially considering Riley’s past.

Grant was Riley’s second oldest son. He had his bouts with drugs and alcohol but had been firmly planted in sobriety for several years. His life was going very well. He was married with a son and a second baby on the way. The family was driving to a family event. A drunk driver jumped the highway median hit the family’s car and killed Grant, his wife and unborn child. His son survived.

With something as tragic as that in your past – how could any sane person think it was OK to drive under the influence of alcohol? Well… that’s it right there… no SANE person would think it was acceptable.  Alcoholism is an insane way of life and in the absence of sanity just about anything goes.

Currently Riley is not drinking. He drives when I’m in the car with him. I know where he goes and what he does. And we only drive to go to the grocery store and run errands. I have to do these things and it’s nice to not have to do all the driving.

However, my crystal ball tells me that a time will come when I’ll be swamped with working or involved in some other task and will not be able to run to the store. Riley will insist that he can run the errand and I can continue to do what I’m doing. He will promise me that he will not buy alcohol when he is out by himself. It will be a situation of me being overwhelmed and in the security of the past few months of sobriety – I may become temporarily insane and agree to Riley’s suggestion.

The first few ventures out in the car alone – Riley may stick to his word and not buy or drink alcohol. But that will just be setting me up to gain my trust. I might even start thinking that maybe this time he will end his drinking soiree.

And then it will happen – he will arrive home drunk and I’ll be beating myself up over allowing it to happen. I’ll hide the car keys and go back to being the watchdog that protects my community from the danger of a life ending much like the young girl in the news.

Every day that I can prevent another news story of death by intoxicated driver – is a good day.

The Addiction Swap Meet

I’ve had so many people tell me how wonderful it must be that Riley is not drinking. These people assume that because he is not alcohol infused that life must be close to normal. I’m not so sure what “normal” is, but I know that the insanity continues even in sobriety.

As often happens when an addict stops using his preferred drug of choice, he will change over to another addiction. The new addiction can often surface as some unusual manifestations. During Riley’s alcoholic career, I’ve seen him go from an alcohol addiction to an addiction for AA, women, sex, cleanliness, food, politics, TV… almost anything that strikes his fancy at the moment.

Currently, he has developed a penchant for making sure that certain areas of the household are kept at a certain cleanliness level. But he’s not the same as the TV character Monk. That character was a true obsessive compulsive clean freak. To say Riley is obsessive compulsive may be too broad of a statement. A better definition could be “selective obsessive compulsive.”  

Riley has his mental list of things to be done on a daily morning basis. He makes the beds, hangs or folds up clothing, feeds the dog and cat, washes the dishes from the night before -- and during these sober moments I’m very appreciative of his attention to these chores. There is an order to the things he does and he is driven to do each task in the “Riley appropriate” order.

But there is also a contradiction to his cleanliness drive. For example, he prefers using a sponge, but forgets to throw it in the washer or dishwasher. The sponge begins smelling pretty bad before I remind him to get out a clean one. He does his laundry and wears clean clothes, but he only showers and shampoos his hair about every six months.

I know this is mostly due to the residual brain damage and I try to be understanding and cooperative. But, there is resentment – he would not have brain damage if he had not gone back to drinking so many times. Most days I succeed at not letting the resentment take over so that I can appreciate the things he does around the house.

I am grateful that his addiction did not become something more sinister. However, I believe that some addictions – such as Riley’s cleanliness – may be a form of passive aggressive behavior. For example, washing my coffee spoon before the coffee pot is empty. He knows it irritates me because I never have just one cup of coffee and will have to get out a clean spoon for each cup. When I bring this to his attention his response is that the dirty dishes need to be washed in a timely manner. It’s very difficult to argue with that kind of logic. On the other hand, I don’t think it will hurt anything if the spoon doesn’t get washed until the coffee pot is empty and we’ve moved on to lunch.

There are worse addictions than Riley's current one and if my passive aggressive theory is correct – the more intense or dangerous the addiction, the more internally angry the addict may be because he cannot or will not express his anger.

Whether it’s passive aggressive, obsessive compulsive or another addiction – the result is the same. It all breeds an uneasy sense of insanity because as a non-alcoholic living with an alcoholic, there is always impending doom. But, as I’ve said before, I live and enjoy the moment. I appreciate that I don’t have to make my own bed or wipe down the stove top – at least for today.

Doctor... doctor...

2004-2009

Dr. A – This doctor understood the need for the family to determine the status of the alcoholic’s physical health. He was patient and informative, providing support in every way possible. Dr. A had stated that Riley would not live more than 6 months if he didn’t stop drinking. This doctor had been our family doctor for many years. He treated me, my mother, brother and daughter’s family as well as Riley. 

JUNE 2009

Dr. H – After moving Riley back into my home, 800 miles away from Dr. A, we found Dr. H who was an addictionologist.  Dr. H was more interested in what he could gain in the form of professional accomplishment of “curing” an alcoholic who had been drinking for 40 years rather than monitoring his health. In fairness to Dr. H, his goal was to get people into rehab and to save the alcoholic’s life, not watching them deteriorate. He was gentle and understanding to the family, but was unable to be brave enough to present the facts as they truly were. I sometimes thought he was just as much in denial as Riley. Dr. H told Riley he was greatly shortening his life expectancy by continuing to be a practicing alcoholic.

Dr. G – An internal medicine doctor, Dr. G was an associate of Dr. H.  Dr. G was helpful in monitoring and providing insight into Riley’s physical state of health. I found him to be an excellent doctor who was as open as he could be without making predictions. I felt that he was so afraid I might bring a law suit against him that he was guarded in his wording. Instead of stating the Riley was dying – he referred me to grief support groups and setting me up with hospice care. Dr. G told Riley that a person’s body cannot withstand or survive the effects of alcohol in large quantities for a very long period of time.

JULY 2009

Dr. X – Was the attending doctor in the ICU at one of the hospitals where Riley was a patient. Dr. X preformed emergency surgery to repair the bleeding in Riley’s intestines. He told Riley the repair would only be effective if he avoided alcohol. Dr. X told Riley he would not live more than 6 months if he went back to drinking.

JANUARY 2010

Dr. R – Feeling that both Riley and I were in need of more family support, we moved to the east coast to be close to our daughter and her family. Shortly after moving, Riley was taken to the emergency room for vomiting. Dr. R, the emergency room doctor, told Riley that because he was adamant about not wanting to detox, there was not much they could do for him. They kept him in the emergency room and pushed fluids to resolve the dehydration. Once he was out of danger from the dehydration he was released. Dr. R told Riley if he had not been brought in when he was – he would not have lived through the week.

FEBRUARY 2010

Dr. M – Dr. M was a very disappointing doctor who clearly did not have a grasp on the disease of alcoholism. Riley saw this doctor after his emergency room visit for vomiting. Riley wanted to live on the west coast in an apartment without any family or support. Essentially he wanted to live alone. Without looking at lab results (provided by the hospital), he told us that Riley was an adult and could answer the three questions correctly that determined his state of mind. Therefore, he told Riley there was no physical or mental reason why Riley could not live alone. Dr. M turned his focus on me and told me that we did not need a medical doctor – instead he insisted that we see a “marriage” counselor. I had seen Dr. M for an issue of my own health and had revealed confidential information to him, which he proceeded to discuss at the visit with Riley. We left his office and no longer considered him our Primary Care Doctor.

SEPTEMBER 2010

Dr. P – My daughter and I took Riley to a large hospital emergency room when we suspected he may have suffered a stroke. He was seen by the head of the emergency – Dr. P. This hospital did not want to admit Riley because they were not staffed to handle the detox process. They called around to several other area hospitals and no one wanted to take responsibility for a man who was so close to life’s end. At that point, death was considered to be imminent. Because Riley would not survive if he were sent home and his brain ammonia level was so high, the hospital had no choice but to admit him to ICU. Dr. P did not believe he would make it through the night and especially not the detox process.

Dr. V – Was the hospital attending physician after Riley had the stroke. This doctor did not think it was in Riley’s best interest to have him return home after discharge. Riley was told he had a stroke and because of the brain damage it was highly inadvisable for him to be without supervision or support on a daily basis. However, the discharge counselor could not find a nursing home or physical rehab center who would accept him. There was too much risk of him falling and would require too much supervision. Riley was released and I brought him home.

An interesting fact about Dr. V was that he asked Riley the same three questions that Dr. M had asked him. Dr. V, the same as Dr. M, stated that Riley was capable of making his own decisions because he was alert and knew the correct answers to the questions.

CURRENTLY, this is where we stand:

Riley has brain damage that affects his ability to remember things from day to day. What he remembers varies – something he remembered today is not necessarily what he will remember tomorrow. The logical common sense of his brain is contradictory. He is obsessive about the cleanliness of the kitchen counters but refuses to rinse the dishes before putting them into the dishwasher. He does his laundry every other day, but refuses to shower. He confuses dish detergent with dishwasher soap.

The good news is – he is NOT DRINKING. We have moved to the country where the nearest liquor store is 20 minutes away. I will not buy alcohol for him and – at the moment – he is unable to drive. I will maintain this status for as long as I possibly can – because a brain damaged Riley is better than a drunken Riley. I’m not sure if I will be able to cope with a brain damaged drunken Riley.  I know it’s just a matter of time before he crawls back into a bottle and the dilemma of my own morality will return.

But for now – I’m enjoying every sunrise.