Thursday, January 27, 2011

In search of help...

In my effort to try to add to my "Rehab Review" section, I have had very little luck finding rehab centers that offer family programs. The family programs I’m finding are really just nothing more than an introduction to Al-Anon. While I think Al-Anon experience is great, I’m adamant that the people involved in the life of an Alcoholic need so much more such as education and instruction. There should be an evaluation as to what the family, spouse, partner really needs from their own rehab process. Many need one-on-one counseling to help them overcome the emotional abuse imposed by the alcoholic. Others need support groups to help them feel that they are not alone. Still others need direction in learning how to live their own life outside the chaotic circle of insanity.

If you are reading this as a staff member from a treatment facility – I challenge you to contact me and tell me about your family program. Send me an e-mail. I want to hear from you.

A friend asked me once, why I work so hard to try to find help or why do I take the time to answer my e-mails. She thinks that because I've reached this level of sanity that I should just take a break. I tell her that one thing that keeps me sane is trying to help others that are either in my situation or heading into an end-stage situation. I do it because I can't NOT do it.

OK. So that wasn’t such great news… but there is better news…

The very best thing I have ever done for myself was to participate in the Navy’s family program when Riley was in their substance abuse program. (see Finding Help) So, in my quest, I thought maybe I should give details on that military program (if it still existed). I felt that maybe my military family readers might be able to take advantage of this wonderful program.

It took some research, but I found it and the center stills exists. But, and this is a huge, gigantic but – they no longer offer the family program.

I spoke to JoAnne Kominisky in Patient Affairs, who on staff while I was there. She told me that the family program has been outsourced to other private civilian centers. She also agreed with me that it was an unfortunate turn of events for the family members and that she had been a proponent of that program from its inception. I don’t remember much about JoAnne, but anyone supporting family programs is OK by me.

When I was at the center, my counselor was Gill Haddock. I don’t think there was anyone in the group that didn’t like Gill. To look at him you would immediately think of Santa Claus. Well… don’t be thinking that this Santa is only carrying around happy packages in that bag of his. Some of his packages contain reality checks and heart-breaking memories.

Gill can cut to the quick -- right through all the BS. If you are in his group you will open up your eyes and see what you do not want to see and you will deal with the what you see. You will cry and immediately after the tears there will be laughter. He will teach you how to find your playful child inside again. He might not tell you what to do, but he will offer direction. If he feels you or your children are in danger he will take action. Don’t let that lovable Santa exterior fool you – inside is a strong, determined, knowledgeable, crazy, crusty old guy.

Sounds too good to be true, huh??  Gill has had his times of trouble, so maybe he relates better. He has both education and life experience – the best of all qualifiers. But in the end, Gill is nothing more than, in my opinion, exactly what a therapist should be.

I’m sure you’re saying…enough walking down memory lane… so where’s the good news?

Well… If you live in northeastern North Carolina, you can have the benefit of the Gill Haddock experience. JoAnne and Gill have partnered in opening the Broadstreet Counseling Center, in Edenton, NC. They are both Licensed Clinical Addiction Specialists and have been involved in substance abuse treatment since 1975. They currently do not have a family program as such, but they want to open one soon – very soon. In the meantime, family members can receive counseling through their office.

Generally, I’m not in favor of counseling sessions alone and don’t include them in my Rehab Review. But, because I’m so sure of the help that can be obtained from the Broadstreet Counseling Center, I’m giving them one gigantic thumbs up. If you are in any way able to visit them – do it. Here’s the contact info:

Broadstreet Counseling Center
216 South Broad Street, Suite 309 & 310
Edenton, NC 27932
252-632-4290
They don't have a website yet, but they are working on that too.

If you are an active duty military personnel, and find that you have a problem with substance abuse, don’t wait to get tagged by your Commanding Officer. Take that step now and contact the Substance Abuse Rehabilitation Program (SARP) of the Naval Medical Center, Portsmouth. Visit them on the web for further information: http://www.med.navy.mil/sites/nmcp/Patients/SARP/Pages/default.aspx

A learning experience...

It took less than 24 hours for Riley to consume his bottle of Aristocrat. Now that it was gone and Riley was back to a more “sober” state of mind, I asked him what he had learned from the experience. So I took a deep breath and asked him what he felt he had gained.

He stated that he gained nothing at all. He had not gotten the coveted buzz he was looking for and thought he could achieve. What he had learned was that he had to have the bigger bottle to get the desired affect. So… he will not buy the small bottle again… he will only buy the big one. He’s talking about 1.75L, also known as a “handle”, as being the bigger bottle. The bottle he bought was a fifth, which is 750mL.

The next question was, did he now feel that he could handle just drinking a couple of drinks a day? He explained to me, in a very matter of fact manner, that there were only four drinks in the 750mL bottle.

Hummm…. Let’s do the math…

A shot (jigger) is 1.5 ounces. A fifth is 750mL or 25.6 ounces. That means there are about 17 shots to a fifth. If I make a drink for myself… say a Vodka Collins – I use a shot of vodka to 2 ounces of sour mix and then finish by filling the rest of the 12 ounce glass with club soda. I should be able to make 17 Vodka Collins drinks from that one bottle of 750mL vodka.

If Riley only gets four drinks from a bottle then one Vodka Collins would be 5 shots of vodka to 5 ounces of sour mix. That fills a standard 12 ounce glass so there’s no room for club soda. That’s a pretty hefty drink.

OK. So Riley had two drinks between dinner and bedtime. Then he had two more drinks on Tuesday. That is… by his calculation. By my calculation he had 8 drinks Monday and 8 drinks on Tuesday. But, hey… really what difference does it make???

Riley says he can’t be the drinker that just has a couple of drinks because a couple of drinks won’t give him what he wants. That is – a couple of his size drinks doesn’t turn him into a sloppy, slurring, perverted mess. He needs more.

I don’t know about you… but my brain hurts from all the math. So what did I learn from Riley’s little escapade?  Because the truth is, Riley is brain damaged and I can present all the facts and math all day, but it doesn’t change anything. He sees through the eyes of an end-stage alcoholic and there’s nothing I can do to change his point of view.

What I learned is almost nothing. Nothing that I didn’t know already.

The vodka is gone. There is no alcohol in the house. I can re-start the sobriety/sanity counter (if I can remember how to do it). The alert level is back to a more relaxed yellow rather than red. Let’s get on with this blog because I have lots of important stuff to tell you.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The inevitable...

I knew this day would come. I knew I couldn’t control every thing every moment of every day. And now it has happened and I must shift gears.

Over the weekend, we rented a car so that I could run errands and do shopping. Since our regular car is not in great shape, I often rent a car. It works out well because I don’t like to have readily available transportation. That eliminates arguments over whether or not Riley can drive to wherever to do whatever. No car – no issue.

However, when there has been a car available and I have asked Riley to do little local runs, he has not disappointed me. He has done what he said he would do and returned without stopping at the liquor store or a bar. He returns home in a sober state of mind.

Yesterday I was swamped with work files. Being a telecommuter, I have an obligation to maintain a higher-than-average production level in both quantity and quality. Yesterday I was on overload because a new job task has been assigned to me and I need to show that I can handle the fluctuating requirements. If I can’t keep up my end of the commitment, I’ll be forced to return to the office environment – which means moving 3,000 miles from Alea and Ryan. That’s not a good thing.

Also, I expected the delivery of a sizable quantity of office supplies as well as the delivery of my daughter’s birthday present. My signature is required for the supplies.

All of that meant that getting the rental car back to Enterprise was going to be a problem. Adding another day would be costly. So I made a decision. I decided to delegate the car rental return to Riley. He had been doing so well… surely he could handle this. I was basking in the warmth of the last few months of his sobriety. But history does, in fact, repeat itself.

First off, I must say, Riley did not return home in a drunken state of mind. But, he brought home with him a bottle of his old friend Aristocrat. He didn’t hide it. He took it out of the bag and put it on the kitchen counter. It was a smaller bottle – about half the size of the one he used to go through in about a day’s time.

He justified his purchase with the fact that it was a “cheap” bottle of vodka. As if it really mattered to me that he could have spent more dollars. The monetary expense was not as important as the sanity expense.

I asked if we could talk about it before he cracked that seal and unleashed a whole lot of craziness. And we did talk. I listened to him tell me that he needed to see if he could handle just taking a drink or two a day. I listened to him explain how he thinks it might be different since he can’t get to the liquor store very often. I listened and it was as if I could say the words before they ever came out of his mouth.

Then I asked him to listen. I told him that I would not buy any booze for him. Once he emptied that bottle – I would not make sure that he got replenishments. Whatever the results of drinking that bottle were – would be results that he created. I reminded him that without transportation it would be difficult for me to get him medical attention quickly. I reminded him of further brain damage that could result. I made sure he heard me reiterate all the reasons why he should not take that drink.

After our conversation, we both continued with our normal routine. But what happened later seemed a bit odd to me. And I don’t know if it was me or if it was Riley, but I was surprised.

Riley had insisted that he cook dinner – steak, broccoli and pasta salad – yum. He usually started cooking at about 5:00 pm. When it got to be 6: pm, I came out and asked if he had started dinner. He just looked at me. Then he mumbled… that he was waiting for me to tell him that I was hungry. Huhhhh??? I didn’t know I was suppose to do that…

I took a closer look at him. He seemed very drunk… way drunker than he should have been judging from the amount missing from the bottle – which was nearly full. So… what the heck?? Why did he seem so out of it?

I went to my office and checked the bank accounts – nothing out of the ordinary there. He didn’t have any cash – so he couldn’t spend any. There were no checks missing from the checkbook. Everything was good. So he didn’t spend any money on getting extra booze. His return time didn’t allow for a bar stop-in and besides there was no money missing.

Two possibilities come to mind. The first possibility is a somewhat “Pavlovian” experience. This would mean the anticipation of consuming the alcohol was making him behave in a semi-drunken state of mind. I could also have had a Pavlovian experience. I may have expected him to be drunk and so I saw him as drunk.

The second possibility is centered in the fact that Riley has brain damage and the alcohol affects him quicker due to the reduced functionality of the noggin.

My gear have been shifted from “relaxed” to “on alert”. It will be interesting to see what happens when the bottle is empty and he has no way to obtain more. Will he be back to drinking anything or everything containing alcohol? I don’t know, I just have to wait and see. After all, there is nothing I CAN do except wait.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Bad choices...

I’ve been a bit under the weather lately. With a lot of dental work going on, I’m unable to eat the foods I love – like crunchy fresh broccoli and crisp green salads. Instead my diet has included mostly soft foods, such as mashed potatoes and soups. As a result my energy – and my tolerance – is low.

During this time I’m thankful that Riley is not drinking. He has been attentive and understanding. He offers to cook for me so that I will not quit eating all together. He even baked a peanut butter coffee cake – and it was yummy. It was his first attempt at baking from a recipe rather than a box. He’s a great baker – who knew!!  I’m hoping that his new found interest in baking will help detour his mind off the alcoholic path.

(If you want the recipe for peanut butter coffee cake -- e-mail me and I'll send it along.)

Riley tells me that alcohol is always in his brain. It’s just under the surface and never goes away. He can’t get to it right now because of being so far out in the country and not having transportation. But, if he could, he would get that bottle and get back on his hazy train.  And I wonder – whose fault is that? Who is really to blame?

Back in the day – when I was first coming to realize that there was a problem – I blamed myself. If Riley came home drunk, in my mind, it had to be because he didn’t want to come home to me or the kids. If he got drunk on the weekend, I thought I didn’t clean the house enough, cook the right foods, look sexy enough. Much like an abused spouse – I felt it was always my fault.

Now, 40 years later, I know without a doubt that I had nothing to do with Riley being an alcoholic. After more than a dozen rehab centers, I know that the only one responsible is Riley. When Riley empties that bottle down his gullet next time – he will be the only one to blame.

I’m sure I’ll get a couple of nasty comments over that statement. But, before you put your anger in writing – think about this. If a person has had four nearly fatal detox episodes and also has been to more than a dozen rehab centers – don’t you think he would know that the bottle is not his friend?? When his grandchildren refuse to let him hold his great-grandson because he is so filthy and drunk -- and now he is sober and are welcomed to be a part of that great-grandson’s life – why would you go back to the bottle?

What I believe is, within the confines of Riley World, alcoholism is a disease of bad choices. Riley has the knowledge. He has the experience and even with his brain damage he has the intelligence.   Yet, he makes it clear that if given the choice, he will choose Vodka.

Once Riley has taken that first drink, everything changes. The choice he made will take hold and will not let him choose anything else freely again until he detoxes from the first choice – the one to take that drink.

When Riley has once again made a bad choice of inviting his friend Vodka back into his life – where is my sympathy? Where is my sadness? Where is my regret? I certainly have no sympathy for Riley, nor do I feel sadness or regret for anything I’ve done with/for Riley.

My sympathy is with the family who loved him so much and tried to help him so many times. My sadness is that he has spent so many years sitting and waiting for his next drink rather than living a truly productive and interesting life. My regret is that he has destroyed relationships and his health. But those are not things I have done. Riley must take responsibility for his own actions.

Sympathy, sadness and regret are reserved for things I neglected in my own life in order to keep him alive.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Déjà vu…

I was watching Dr. Phil on Thursday, January 13, 2011 and I saw the interview with Ted Williams. This once homeless man was an overnight hit via a You Tube broadcast. He has a wonderfully smooth, although gravelly voice and had once studied as a radio announcer. Since the You Tube performance he has been offered many jobs and is well on his way to fame and fortune. Well… Ted is well on his way, but there is this one little thing…

By his own admission, Ted Williams has issues with alcohol and drugs. A reunion with his family brought to light that although Ted claims to have been clean and sober for two years, he has now returned to one of his old friends – Vodka. Now that he has some money his favorite friend, Grey as in Grey Goose, visits often.

Dr. Phil had a confrontation with Ted on this particular program.  Ted stated that he would only go into a treatment facility if a “professional doctor or counselor” told him he should.  Dr. Phil reviewed his qualifications to Ted and then made him an incredible offer.

He offered Ted the opportunity to attend a treatment facility that only the very well funded and insured could possibly afford to attend. Ted’s response was a litany of activities that Ted felt he needed to do before he entered rehab. Dr. Phil met each of Ted’s required tasks with a resolution that would allow him to go directly to rehab without passing go or collecting $200. In the end, Ted was accompanied to his hometown by an official of the rehab center with the plan being to eventually escort him to the center at South Padre Island, Texas.

OK. So I get it. I truly do. What I get is that all alcoholics are the same. They have the same vocabulary and the same script. They all have the same set of excuses and sense of paranoia.

If I have heard Riley say once, I’ve heard it a thousand times – I want a “professional” to tell me that I’m dying… need to go to rehab… can’t drive… can’t live alone. And no matter how many times a “professional” does tell him, there is some reason why he can’t consider that person as qualified to make that determination.

All alcoholics have a million reasons why they can’t go into treatment now. They range from… I can’t take time off work… I can’t afford it… It’s too hot… It’s too cold… It’s Sunday… the sun came up this morning. I know and understand that a new way of life might be frightening – after all a known evil may seem better than an unknown good.

I listened intently to the program and at the same time felt I could have been Ted’s wife because the only thing different from Riley was the physical body. Ted’s actions, reasons, excuses and comments have actually been voiced by Riley. It was as though Riley had written the script for Ted. It was Déjà Vu all over again.

As non-alcoholics, it’s hard for us to understand why someone, such as Ted, with such an incredible chance at a life most of us can only dream about, would throw up road blocks in the path of that life. We’ve all seen it… experienced it… hated it with our own alcoholics.

It appears that after all… Ted is just another alcoholic. He’s no different than so many others that have lost outstanding opportunities because they chose their friends named Grey… Smirnoff… Seagrams… Popov… instead of taking a risk at a chance of a lifetime.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Update to Road and comments on Al-Anon and AA

The trip to the city went well. The dental work wasn’t as horrible as I had imagined and a plan was worked out for the rest of the necessary procedures. I don’t like going to the dentist – but I’m feeling better about the entire ordeal. By next month, this will be just a blip on my radar screen.

Riley got his hair cut at a nearby salon – actually all the hair on his head was trimmed down – not just one. He looked all nice and neat when he picked me up. And he was stone cold sober. He went to the salon and then back to the dentist office without detours. I’m proud of him for that.

We stopped at a very nice, upscale restaurant in the downtown area before heading back to the country. It was enjoyable to sit down to dinner and try the scrumptious menu offerings. No mention was made of a wine to compliment the meal – no cocktails – no alcohol of any sort. The meal was wonderfully peaceful and the food was delish.

Riley drove us home and we arrived in the country to be greeted by Jade and Maggie who wagged their entire bodies with excitement for our return.

AL-ANON and AA…

Al-Anon
This is a wonderful organization that has much to offer those living in the insanity of alcoholism. I am not opposed to Al-Anon. In fact in the pages “What the Non-Alcoholic Can Do” and “Finding Help” there are references to both AA and Al-Anon. I spent many years going to meetings and appreciated the support and understanding that I received. It truly helped me. For many reasons, I currently don’t attend meetings. Even though, I don’t adhere to all the steps and traditions – I respect and understand the teachings.

It is my belief that we each must create our own steps to maintain sanity and they may not look like the 12 steps in Al-Anon. However, Al-Anon is a wonderful place to start and a perfect basic-training on the reality road.

Just to be clear, I’m not trying to save my marriage – my marriage was over 15 years ago.  (See “How I Got Here”) I’m just trying to take care of my daughter by not allowing the alcoholism to take over her life via Riley. I provide a buffer zone between the insanity of alcoholism and Alea’s daily life.

If I were to follow Al-Anon teachings to the letter, I would let Alea do whatever she wants to do about her father. I would only focus on myself and not Riley or Alea. They are both adults and can make their own decisions. But, the law of motherhood is supreme. Maybe, having lost my son, I feel it more acutely – but it will not be denied. Ask any mother what is most important – 99.99% will tell you it’s her children.

So… Alea will not live a life of cleaning up human feces or urine from the floor. She will not be monitoring the depth of jaundice in her father’s skin and eyes. She will not be the brunt of his unrealistic demands. And she will not find him dead in a pool of his own vomited blood. All of those things will fall on my shoulders because – I’m the MOM and legally the wife of her father. It’s a small price to pay to keep my daughter happy and safe so she can enjoy her own marriage, son and grandchildren.

After all these years, what I’ve come to learn is that I DO live a life based on Al-Alnon concepts and principles. I just do it differently and more subconsciously than most people. I do it without thinking about it. And I’m realistic. I know what’s ahead and I have planned accordingly.

Most people actively participating in meetings are there to help them stay with the alcoholic in their life. They are looking for a way to make sense of the insanity. It is soooo difficult, almost impossible, to detach from someone who is your entire heart. It goes against the grain of all things we learn about love and marriage throughout our entire lives. I pray for those people everyday.

I’m detached from Riley because I don’t see him as a loving husband. He came to me as a terminally ill man in need of care and attention. Do I love him? Yes – just as I love all my other brothers – but not with passion and desire as a wife should for her husband. He no longer holds my heart. That’s what makes this bearable.

Riley and AA
For many years Riley was so entrenched in AA that there was nothing else in his life. He volunteered at the local AA Service Center and was DCM (District Committee Member) for his AA District. He switched his addiction from alcohol to AA – which was not a bad switch. But, all his many years ensconced in AA (from 1982 to 2008) was never a deterrent to drinking. He attended meetings drunk or sober.

I believe that AA only works if the alcoholic can be truly honest with himself and everyone around him. For Riley, I believe that drinking while being active in AA was a challenge. He loves being able to “get away with things” and not being called out on his drunkenness at meetings gave him a sense of accomplishment.

End-Stage and Attitude –
Riley is truly “end-stage”. That means all efforts to save him have been exhausted. Doctors no longer suggest he go into detox because the risk of death is too high. Rehab centers refuse him admission. No one tries to convince him there is a better way. Riley makes it very clear that he does NOT want to be sober. He hates living in the here and now and prefers to have his life hazed over by alcohol. The man I met in 1966 is gone forever and will never return. I have long since grieved over the loss of my beloved husband.

Why I started this blog –
I have spent a lot of time scouring the internet looking for information on end-stage alcoholism. I found very little. I knew there must be people who have been through what I’m going through. By starting this blog, I was hoping I would connect with others who have had similar experiences. I also hoped to provide information as well as support.

When I look at other people’s blogs, I see that they have been blogging for quite some time. I believe these blogs can be a wealth of information for my readers. By those standards, my blog is just a baby in blog world.  I have much to learn, so forgive me if I sometimes stumble.

My family is pushing for me to write a book based on my experience. No decision has been made on that as of yet. When I had my poll more than 80% of the people who responded wanted to see my blog in book form – so I’m leaning in that direction.

A request –
If you find someone who may need to read what I have written, if you have blog readers of your own who may benefit from my experience, please refer them to my blog or provide a link in your own blog. I will do the same for other bloggers and will try to answer all my e-mails that are not posted as comments.

Thank you and let’s make 2011 a triumphant success in all aspects of our lives by maintaining sanity within reality!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The road to...

I recently had major dental work done and have not been feeling is great. I have been lax about getting to the store to do the shopping. It has finally reached the point that we MUST do some shopping or Jax (the cat) and Jade (the dog)  will be bbq-ing us on a spit in the fireplace for their next meal.

Yesterday was the day. I reluctantly handed the car keys to Riley so he could go to the store – alone – unsupervised. It was the first time in almost two years that he had ventured outside the house without my watchful eye.

I was nervous. Images of him entering the package store and downing a bottle in the parking lot were at the forefront of my brain. I found myself  waiting for the phone to ring with a police officer on the other end telling me Riley was either in jail or dead from wrapping the car around a telephone pole. The fear created by those images made me physically ill.

But, before I knew it… there he was. He pulled into the driveway, greeted Jade and Maggie (Jade’s BFF) and then brought the grocery bags into the kitchen. It seemed he had not been gone long enough to have done all the necessary shopping. There must be something up.

I was wrong. Everything I had asked him to get was there. There were no signs of alcohol consumption at all. He was not the nervous little boy that had something to hide. He explained why he had to get a block of Swiss cheese rather than shredded. But I wasn’t listening – not really – I was just basking in the glory that the chore had been completed without incident.

Normally Alea takes me to my dentist appointments because I get very nervous and sometimes I must take something to help calm me down. But she could not take me this time. So… the plan for today is for Riley and me to make the 2 hour drive to the dentist office.  While I’m in the dentist’s chair, Riley will be getting a haircut. Afterwards, we are going to dinner (if I’m feeling up to it) and then drive back home. Riley will be my chauffeur.

My only concern is the time when Riley is supposed to be getting a haircut. There are numerous bars in the area of the dentist office. I’m hoping he doesn’t decide that would be a better use of his time.

I’m encouraged by the shopping event yesterday and feel confident that he can handle this trip.

Of course, I have a back up plan, I just hope I don’t have to use it. After all, feeling confident of his continued sobriety is one of the stepping stones that will pave the way to his drinking again. The more I feel I can trust his sobriety, the more opportunities he will have to drink. And once he starts drinking again… well… I cannot prevent the consequences that may follow. I could be wrong because he is the Immortal Alcoholic and the consequences that should occur just don’t seem to happen.

Anyway… I will take one day at a time and trust him – just for today – that he will not drink.