Weekends are always chaotic here in this little house. My
grandson and his wife are off from work and the little ones are not in school.
Things can get very noisy and confusing. On one particular day, we had addition
family visiting from out of town creating even more chaos. The children were
yelling and Nicole was making a valiant attempt at calming them down. She wasn’t
having much luck. In the middle of all this, Riley emerges from his room and
appears in the living room.
“I want a snack. RIGHT NOW!” Riley bellowed over the other
loud voices in the room. I quietly got up and got him some cupcakes and a glass
of milk. I took them to his room and set them on his table. Then I asked why he
had been so loud and couldn’t have just asked me to step into the kitchen with
him. His response was that no one was paying any attention to him and so he
wanted to remind everyone that he was important. I shook my head and left the
room.
The next day, when things were back to being the quiet
normal workday, I asked him if he understood that his behavior was wrong. I
reminded him that he was not a child, but rather a 70+ year old man who had the
capability of simply asking me to fix him a snack. He proceeded to tell me it
wouldn’t have had the same affect. That he got the attention of everyone in the
room and I reacted immediately to his demand. He got what he wanted so his
behavior was right for him. He continued to tell me that just because I thought
he was wrong, did not make him wrong and he didn’t care about what was wrong or
right for me.
Keeping the peace between me and Riley requires a delicate
balancing act. On one end of the scale is his inability to see that he’s being
a jerk. At the other end, is me trying to keep my temper intact while not
agreeing or caving in with his demands. Actually, most of the time the scale is
tipped in my favor because to keep it perfectly even means that he gets away
with everything he wants. I make sure there is just enough anger to let him
know I’m not going to tolerate his childishness. I’m much like a parent who
makes sure the kids know that screaming in the grocery store for a toy will not
get them the toy. But, if they ask politely they just might be accommodated.
I’ve heard from others that the alcoholics in their lives
have similar selfish traits. There is no way to get through to them because
they have their filters on that prevents them from hearing what we are saying.
Alcohol shuts down the ability to be reasonable and objective. Those
capabilities are housed in the front lobe of the brain which is the first part
of the brain to be damaged or clouded by alcohol consumption.
When we see before us a person that we once shared
reasonable, rationale, humorous, insightful, enjoyable conversations, we tend
to forget that the current person before us is not using the same brain
functions as they did in the past. It’s hard to remember that the alcoholic
cannot reason out situations. They do not have the ability to use good
judgment. It is extremely frustrating. We often get glimpses of the original
person, but as the alcoholism progresses those glimpses are fewer and farther
between.
As I’m writing this post the entire house is quiet. Everyone
is still asleep. These quiet times when I can write don’t happen every day or,
even, every week. I want to take advantage of the quietness while it lasts. Riley
comes into the kitchen. He stands at the end of the counter and asks where his
coffee is. I tell him I haven’t started it because I wanted to finish this
post. I say those words as I stop typing and get up and start the coffee. I
pour in the water and load the coffee basket and am just about to push start
when Riley says – “You don’t have to do it right now. It can wait until you’re
done.”
It takes all my strength to not tip that balance scale until
it hits bottom. I want to scream at him – “Are you kidding me! You wait until I’m
done making it to tell me NOT to make it??” Instead of screaming at him, I turn
and look at him with that look. All the women reading this know the look I’m
talking about. All you men reading this know that look from seeing it on your
wife’s face. It’s the look that says it’s time to shut up and leave the room.
With the noise of the water running and shuffling of
canisters, etc, the great-grandkids are now up and asking for chocolate milk,
wanting their coloring things set up and needing attention. Oh well… my quiet
time is at an end. The little ones are so loving in the morning, I am happy
they are awake.
In a few weeks we will move into a larger house with Riley
and I being in the downstairs and the rest of the family upstairs. It’s the
perfect set up for us. Riley will be out of his room more and able to get his
own coffee. I won’t worry about waking anyone up because they won’t be able to
hear what’s going on downstairs. I will have a dedicated office where I can
write my posts without interruption. I’m hoping it will be easier to keep my
balance scale level in this new environment.