This post is dedicated to Annette.
Our backgrounds are very similar even though you are much
younger. Our timelines would follow the same path up to the age that you are
right now. The two paths, yours and mine, do NOT have to continue in the same
direction. You can go a different direction than I did and avoid much of the
chaos that I experienced.
You told me that you can see your future in my past. That’s
good because if you can see it then you have the ability to change it. One of
the reasons I write these posts and my books is to give people an idea of what
it’s like if they do as I do. I hope they read what I write and say “I’m not
going to be that person.” I want people to have a better life than the one I
choose.
I’m not saying you can’t have a life if you stay with your
alcoholic. You, most certainly can have a very fulfilling and happy existence
in spite of the obstacles that the alcoholic may throw up as road blocks. It’s
not easy. It takes work, time, and planning to get to all come out good – but it
is possible.
Annette, you are a young woman without children and NOT
married to your alcoholic. I know you love him. I know you want what is best
for him. I know you think that if you do just the right thing he will stop and
go back to being that guy you met ten years ago. I know you’ve invested time,
money and, more importantly, your heart to this relationship and to him. But, “him”
isn’t, at this time, the person you fell in love with.
Alcoholism changes a person. Someone who was gentle and
considerate can become a mean and unfeeling louse. Angry confrontations that
would normally end with a reasonable conversation may end with a black eye.
Life with an alcoholic is unpredictable, nonsensical, and irrational. As a
non-alcoholic, partnering with an alcoholic is like mixing oil and water. It
doesn’t work.
Get out. Get out now. Don’t wait for some miracle to happen.
No miracles are coming no matter how hard you pray. Don’t wait for him to see
the light. He’s blinded. The longer you stay the more difficult it will be to
become free.
It’s not going to be easy. You must have a plan for where
you will live and who will be your support system. I suggest you have your own
residence before you make an exit from the alcoholic’s home. Establish yourself
as an individual and show that you are looking forward to a life on your own.
Housing is simply logistics. There will be emotional
challenges. You will wake up in the middle of the night and realize you are
alone in your bed. And you will cry. You will carry the groceries in my
yourself and curse him for not being considerate enough to save your
relationship just for the purpose of carrying in the 50 pound bag of dog food.
You will call him names. And you will cry. When you unpack your photos of the
good times you two shared you will examine each one as though you are seeing it
for the first time. And you will cry. You’ll stop sitting the table for dinner
as often opting for plate in front of the TV. And you will cry.
Eventually the crying will happen less often until those
tears turn into irritation, disappointment, and anger. That’s when you will
start to have a life again. That’s when you will become open to possibly having
a relationship with someone new. You will find yourself being cautious as to
the person you date. It will take you longer to commit.
You may look over your shoulder often to see if the
alcoholic has miraculously appeared as a responsible sober person. While it is
possible, it is NOT likely to happen. I could tell you to stop looking, but you
will not. He will probably come to you at some point. It will be difficult to
prevent him from entering your world because, after all, you love him. You know
now what it is like to be with him as an alcoholic. You know now that he is an
alcoholic and alcoholic’s get drunk, stay drunk, and will put the drunkenness as
a priority above you. So if you let him back in, you know what to expect.
Sometimes a person must leave the alcoholic multiple times
before finding a way to stay out of his life. Don’t beat yourself up for
following your heart. The heart always wants what it wants. It is not practical
or logical or reasonable. It is what it is.
Annette, don’t be me. Go live your life and do good things for yourself
7 comments:
If you are not married to and don't have children with the alcoholic, get out. You can't fix him. You can save you. Sleep on a friend's sofa, move in with family, rent a room in a house. Whatever you have to do.
Get out now, while you can. I am married to an alcoholic who has a chronic and terminal lung disease - if he doesn't kill himself with booze before his lungs give out. I am 62, retired and too old to leave and get a job. My only hope is to outlive him, so that our combined assets will be mine to support myself with in my old age. I stayed so that our only son would have all the advantages my husband's excellent salary could give him. Now my son is grown and married - and I am too old to leave. But you aren't. Leave, run, fly - just get out now, and find someone who doesn't drink at all. Someone who wants to experience life - not numb themselves to it. God speed, and God bless.
Couldn't agree more.
It's not against you that he is acting this way. They just can't help it once they reach a certain stage. Way in the future, you will forgive him and forgive yourself. He died already; the man you loved is gone. It is a disease. Painful for the both of you.
I'm gonna add one more thing from my own experience with my father, and my mother who still sticks around.. and all the stpries I heard from family meetings at the psycho's: it is not necessary that your wino will become incapacitated and end up helplessly laying in bed.
there are alternative outcomes. like picking them up from the police station or er every now and then. having people press charges for damages. getting beat up, frequently. having them disappear for days on end. having all your money wasted (DO separate bank accounts!). spending time roaming the streets looking for a head sticking out of the ditch. having to keep an eye on them 24/7 when they're drunk and drugged in the terminal phase but still fighting to get stuff done and quite capqble of blowing up ypur heating system or causing a car crash.
and possibly the worst thing I experienced myself, and am experiencing now, feeling like a monster for wishing this person to just drop dead already.
This a terrible thing to say, and I hope God forgives me...but his death would be a relief. I am so weighed down with stress resulting from his alcohol and drug addictions.There is his stress...money stress...stress from everyday life...all which it seems he gets to avoid and I get to carry.
If I could figure out a way to make enough money myself I would just walk out the door and never look back.
My name is not Annette but it might as well be as you spoke directly to me with this post. I know I should leave , I have twice before, but I have guilt because we live in my house so I'm essentially kicking him out each time .
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