From the day we are born we are taught to be a “good”, “kind”,
“loving” person. We are advised to care for those who are unable to care for
themselves. It’s all part of being a moral person. In the insanity of the world
of alcoholism being that “moral person” isn’t always the best way to get through
the chaos.
Would you allow a teenager to take your car out for a ride
without permission? When that teenager is caught, would you not issue
consequences for the misbehavior? As we go through life, there are consequences
to every action – some bad and some good. Nonetheless, they are a part of life
and they are there as a reminder of things to do or NOT to do.
If you, as a person who loves an alcoholic, removes the
alcoholic’s consequences for drinking, they will have no reason to stop
drinking. However, if the consequences are faced, it might give the alcoholic
something to remember as to why drinking was not a good idea.
Let’s get real for a minute. If you’ve been reading my blog
for awhile you will know that whether or not the alcoholic drinks is really not
something I concern myself with very much. What DOES concern me is how the
non-alcoholic manages to get through all the crap that the alcoholic creates.
Letting the alcoholic reap the consequences of his actions is
really not about making the alcoholic think once or twice before drinking. It’s
about YOU not fretting over the fact that the alcoholic must pay his piper.
If you’ve been involved with an alcoholic for more than a
day or two you will experience the unpleasant circumstance of watching the
alcoholic do the same things over and over and dealing with the same
unfortunate results. They don’t seem to learn. They CAN’T learn because they
have damaged brains from all the toxins that reside in their noggin.
Riley would go out and walk around the neighborhood when he
was 56 sheets to the wind. He would get picked up by the cops and end up in the
drunk tank. Of course, I was ALWAYS called and asked to come to the station
house and pick him up. My answer was always NO! It happened so often that I
knew the schedule of who was on the duty desk on each night. Still, my answer
was NO. It didn’t change Riley’s routine of walking around the neighborhood. It
didn’t stop him from drinking.
What I gained from saying NO was the ability to stay in my
nice warm bed and get a comfortable night’s sleep knowing he was safely ensconced
in a jail cell until morning. When the morning came… the answer was still NO. I
was happy with my coffee and getting ready for my day. Riley’s presence, or
lack of it, didn’t have anything to do with me getting on with what I needed to
do.
Riley did not change. The alcoholic doesn’t change because
you did or didn’t come to the rescue. When/if they change it will because they
are ready to make a change. You can’t force the issue. Oh, yes, you might be
able to manipulate the alcoholic into rehab but if he/she is not truly ready,
it will be a waste of money.
Save yourself. Let the alcoholic fall and don’t try to pick
up the pieces. There are things you can do to try to prevent the fall from
crashing into your glass wall. Much like baby-proofing your house when there is
a toddler living there. You can keep your money separate and out of the alcoholic’s
access. You can keep your car keys in a place where the alcoholic will not
easily get them. That’s just a sample of the things you can do to keep from
dealing with the consequences of the alcoholic’s behavior.
The monkeys that belong in the alcoholic’s circus can run
amok in your life if you let them. When those monkey’s climb to the top of the
flagpole – I doubt that they are going to fall. But, if they do… let them.
If you are struggling with ideas of how to keep yourself safe
from the alcoholic’s consequences… e-mail me and let me lend you my ear when you are
going through the tough times. You’re not alone. Drop me an e-mail at LindasFrontPorch@outlook.com and
let’s set up a time to talk that is convenient for you.
5 comments:
My husband is an alcoholic. Woe-is-me type. Not abusive. Is rather condescending though...
Anyway, we're up to a 12 pack a day. He is a dual diagnosis case, with Bipolar I and depression. Lately, he's not been eating, has canceled every single appointment he's had this month. Beer is the only source of liquid and nutrients he's getting. I'm sure he bleeds beer...
He shuffles his feet to move around now. Can't get up on his own. Urinated on himself a few days ago because he couldn't get up to use the bathroom. I found a wound on his arm today and asked what happened. He had no idea it was there. It's like a 3-inch gouge/abrasion. I cleaned and bandaged him up, asked him if he fell. He said he had no clue. He keeps saying he has a pain in his stomach. Won't go to the doctor. And if I bring it up he gets angry about it.
I watched him sit in front of his computer, dazed, looking at the cozy that covers his beer can. I asked him if he was ok. He looked confused. He finally came to sit on the couch.
I'm at wit's end. He has told me he has no intention of stopping drinking. That right there may send some of running. Why am I not running? I'm dealing with the dual side here now.
He's depressed. And would become suicidal if I left. We've had conversations that if I were to die (like a car crash or something) he'd kill himself. One can only make the connection that would happen if I were to leave. He can play the game. He has played the game with medical professionals both medical and psychiatric.
I'm so unhappy. I'm now just waiting for him to die.
How do you deal with an alcoholic who is a dual diagnosis?
My husband is an alcoholic with Bipolar and Depression. He's depressed now. I'm so unhappy. He has told me he has no intention of stopping his drinking. I know if I leave him he'll kill himself. He has a history of suicide.
If the consequences are going to be death, then what? My boyfriend sounds like Kellz's husband. I don't want to enable him by supplying alcohol, but if I don't, he'll go into DT. Seems like a lose-lose proposition.
Kelly I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My alcoholic husband passed away Feb. 6th of cirrhosis. I cared for him until the end and he had a few moments of clarity where he expressed his sorrow for putting me through this and his gratitude for my love and care. At one point I wanted to die too. It's over now and I'm learning about myself again. The man I fell madly in love with was taken by alcohol long before his body left this earth. Maybe I stayed too long, but I took good care of him and now I will focus on myself. You are not alone. Sending prayers for you.
I just can't wrap my head around my alcoholic brother's suicide threats. He goes in and out of the psych unit. Says rehab won't take him because no insurance. He's been twice involuntarily committed by me, said please don't do that again. I keep going to "wet brain" and that he is incapable of rationale, so, shouldn't I--his only loving little sister--be his "rational brain" FOR him? We've been on the same merry-go-round for years. He's alone, never married. Temp job to temp job, cycling some jobs over five times. Now at 58, the offers aren't coming. He's behind on his rent and utilities. He says "I'm done." Thing is, he rejects jobs he deems "beneath" him. My husband and I spent our 30th wedding anniversary driving 425 miles to him to "help" him by taking him everywhere in town to put in job apps. Coming home, WE were nearly badly hurt in that last big Minnesota snowstorm, caught off guard on our way home. Only to find he rejected some jobs because the shifts offered didn't "work" for him. He's got no money and rejecting jobs??? This is his pattern, though. But I DO know him well enough that he'd rather die than be evicted or work a menial job. I'm a wreck, don't sleep, eat. Cry all the time. I feel he's incapable after 35 years of hard drinking to make any rational decisions. I can't pay his bills. To me, I feel like I am handing him his death sentence. I've read all the books. Been to Al-Anon. It still feels like I'm his "way out" of suicide.
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