I’m in an unusual situation. My alcoholic has exceeded any reasonable expectation of continued breathing time. He has been through the rehab process 13 times. I’ve been told at least eight times that he will not live another 6 months without detox. Since he refuses to detox and refuses to stop drinking, I anticipate and plan for the end which, unfortunately, always feels as though it would be a blessing. We have even gotten to the place of having hospice involved in his care during his final days. But his final days never arrive. I always end up insisting he go to the emergency room, he detoxs, we are told he won’t make it this time, and he recovers.
I don't know that this is so unusual! You are describing my life, too. Right now, my husband, who began gurgling blood yesterday, is in a medical center. They are running tests, and I expect to hear later today that he will make it just fine. (The doctors' voices will be proud and reassuring. I will crumple up and cry.) A lawyer has suggested telling the medical center not to release him to me because I can't care for him--which is true--but then I will have to try to protect my hard-earned assets against attachment by medical assistance. The great lesson I have learned from being married to an alcoholic is that there are choices--but no good choices.
ReplyDeleteI think you're right. When I first started this blog, I thought I was the only one in this position. But, I've had so much response, e-mails, etc, that I know this is much more common than I had thought.
ReplyDeleteI don't know your location, but once he gets thru detox, he will appear to be of sound mind and have the ability to make his own decisions. You might be able to get him into a physical rehab type facility. That will help him regain some of his physical strength without having alcohol accessible. And that might buy you some "sane" time in which you can make some decisions. They kept Riley for 6 wonderful weeks -- I was delighted for the respite.
I have been reading about your life over and over in an attempt to force myself to realize i wasnt alone...and that so many other wives were going through this. My struggle with my husband ended January 7,2017 at 430 in the morning in a hospital room after a 3 and a half year life of hell....watching him suffer more than i could believe anyone could, drinking away a transplant,and never having a moment to call my own, while knowing he loved me beyond belief..but knowing tbe alcohol was more important...im relieved, but heartbroken....the last year of my feelings of anger of knowing he did tbis to himself have left me hurting and empty and wishing i could have fixed everytbing. I tried but nothing helped..he developed every symptom in the books. Every one of them. It was a living 24 hr a day noghtmare for him and for me watching it. I am dealing with all these feelings and flashbacks of how awful the body gets from alcohol abuse and ESLD and now with his estate issues. No one but us who have lived it could ever know tbe horrors.
DeleteSorry for your loss. My husband is a alcohol 31 yrs old iv been with him for 13 yrs and I'm scared he will die from it. It breaks my heart everyday. We have two kids and I fear for them and myself. Don't have money for rehab. He trys to stop but never stays to it. Any advice.
DeleteYour blog has been of great value to me. I am facing the facts that all 3 of my adult children have chemical dependency issues. One son is in the mid to late stages of alcoholism. My lady friend of 30 years is an end stage alcoholic and I do not think she is long for this world. As all this came to pass, my current "guy friend" escalated his drinking to the point where I can not tolerate his company anymore. At the present moment I attend Al Anon meetings and I am scrambling to find some help in grieving the simultaneous loss of my family and my 2 closest friends. This is a lonely time for me. I can only imagine what you go through on a daily basis.
ReplyDeleteIt's sad indeed. I am coming to the point where I must except that my wife and children are enabling each other and unhealthy way. Old friends that drink become limited friends. Friends that I mustn't worry about even though I see them hastening their death.I quit when my nephew committed suicide
DeleteI left my husband of 29 years after finally realizing nothing was ever going to change no matter how hard I tried. He went into rehab for the 3rd time a few months later. I decided to file for divorce while he was sober. Shortly after he started drinking again. Now I have feelings that I am responsible. He has had end stage liver failure for at least 2 years. He is now at a Care facility and his family blames me. I've been thru the "it will only be a couple months" too many times.
ReplyDeleteI too had divorced my husband of 23 years. It was getting so much for my tow boys and I, hit my rock bottom. And to of course most of his family hates me. He is now living with them in Florida. I hope they really can see what was haappening to him, and maybe some hope for him, He can quit for them. He did not do it for hiswife and boys. Such shame, to let your family go for the dam Bacardi booze.I think to his health will eventuly catch up to him. He is a mean drunk to his boys and I and I was DONE!
ReplyDeleteI too live with an alcoholic who has been thru rehab and numerous stays in the hospital where he was close to death. He then renews himself and it starts all over again. Promises mean nothing anymore. I don't trust anything he says as he lies to cover up his drinking. I'm amazed that he is still living at 70. the times he is in rehab or the hospital were restful times for me. Now I dread going home everyday, never knowing what I will find. I have stopped letting him lay guilt trips on me, I'm not the one buying or putting the bottle to his lips. it is a choice that he makes daily. yes, it is an addiction but, you can take control over your thoughts and emotions.
ReplyDeleteWondering if I can get private pay hospice care for end stage alcoholic family member. He spent all of the last two years in rehab facilities, staying sober about a week or so in between discharges and subsequent rehabs...currently out of rehab for about 6 weeks, living in a local hotel, possibly a week before he dies. Would like him to receive compassionate, non-judgemental care while he finishes his life...60 years old, plenty of money in IRA, divorced and children, ex-wife will not get involved. I understand this, but, can we at least get him hospice and HHA to keep him clean and comfortable?
ReplyDeleteRecently, after feeling hopeless that my violent alcoholic husband will probably never stop drinking I started researching on the life expectancy issue. That's how I discovered this blog which has clearly made me realize that I need to divorce my husband. I think fifteen years of abuse is too much, and I don't want to end up like so many women who lament that they wish they left a long time ago, or that they feel that they wasted their life away taking care of a man who is physically incapable of taking care of himself, yet he never seems to lose the ability to abuse his caretaker.
ReplyDeleteI lived with an alcoholic for 10 years. We produced two beautiful children. I could no longer take the sober, drunk, sober, drunk routine and refused to allow our children to witness that, so I filed for divorce. I have full-custody of our children; except for the summertime. Unfortunately, last Thursday, my 10 year old son found his dad laying in the grass outside - dead. He had been there all night. He died because he couldn't put down the bottle. And now I have to take care of my traumatized son and daughter who lost there dad - all by myself. Is it wrong of me to feel angry and hate towards him for doing this to us?
ReplyDeleteWe have an appointment with a psychologist on Wednesday who deals with family, children and teen grief counseling. However, I don't want my children to know how I really feel, yet at the same time I feel obligated to make their dad's memory a good one.
You poor woman, my heart goes out to you. My husband was a binge drinker and although lovely and the perfect father when he was around, the drink claimed him far too often and it put a rift between us. In the end he committed suicide leaving me with our three beautiful children. I am grateful for the time we had together and celebrate the good times. It's not easy being a single parent with no help but I live in peace now knowing the battle with alcohol is over for us. Blessings to you X
Delete@ anonymous-son found father dead..You can feel however you feel. I would suggest individual counseling or Al Anon for you so that you can share your true feelings without having your children exposed. I am sure they will understand when they are adults, but they don't have the same thinking skills as adults right now. You're being there for your kids, but you need to take care of yourself also. Best of luck. Thank you for sharing your experience.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh! I am ready to divorce my alcoholic husband as well. This is the 2nd time I've left in the past 4 months and divorce papers are in the workings. I very much love my husband and don't want to divorce him, but can't stand the emotional and verbal abuse I have been enduring for some time now. And of course everything he has done wrong is justified by something I apparently did to him 12 years ago. Odd. Deep down I am hoping for death. I think his death would be much easier to cope with than divorcing him after being together for 22 years and I still love him very much. I came across this site trying to decide how much time he has left on this planet. Hard to say, but I am trying so hard to get a handle on my situation. I have older children (26,19,16) and the 26 year-old is disgusted with my husband. My 19-year old has had some mental issues this past year and I believe that is partly to do with the fact that he busted his dad with a 'phone line' talking/texting other women. That is basically where all this went down. I was happy one day, then the next day my kid tells me my husband is having an affair - so ya, shot in the gut. My 16-year old is disappointed and sad, but a very strong girl. I am only worried about my middle child because he seems to be the one 'in the middle' of this unfortunate situation.
ReplyDeleteMy brother-in-law is (well, was)one of the most gifted, intelligent, caring people I had ever met. Over the years, continued consumption of beer, depression and non-eating have him looking pretty horrific! He has had many trips to the hospital, and a couple of rehab trips (the family spent a bit of money to get him to "one of the best". He has short term memory loss, and has a rash over his entire body, along with various other sores from consistent scratching. Trips to the dermatologist (3 times) and the doctor don't help, as it is systemic. It is hard to watch, but you're right. You think they are close to death, but they keep on keepin' on. EMT's called Christmas, he was intubated (sp), in ICU and PCU, hospice called in, yet he survived again!!! You go to check on them, and sometimes secretly hope they have died in their sleep. We have been through this stage for 3 years, and a friend who lost a brother to this says it will get very ugly, I feel that it's ugly enough now.
ReplyDeleteI am a new reader, and am grateful for a place to speak my feelings to people who understand the heartbreak of loving an alcoholic. My alcoholic was once my lover, but the alcohol destroyed all of that. For years now, I have been his only friend. Most of his family has long since given up on him, but somehow I always remain a believer. I always tell him I am his "forever friend." In the past couple of months, his body has begun to succumb to the ravages of years of alcohol. Just like the posts here, he is in and out of the hospital in various crises. Hideous withdrawals, of which he has no recollection, but which are burned into my memory. One night last week I went to the hospital late to visit him. When I entered his room, he was barely breathing -- just 4 or 5 times a minute. I responded instinctively by calling for help. For more than an hour, he breathed only when I told him to. Somewhere in the midst of all that, I came to the stark realization that perhaps I was doing him no favor -- perhaps the loving thing would have been to let him simply stop breathing and just drift quietly away. But I am the eternal believer, and hope is not easily pried from my fingers. I think I kept telling him to breathe that night because there are things I still need to say to him. Most of all, I want to tell him that I know he is a good human and that I'm sorry I have never found a way to help him get free of his demons. I want to tell him that I will always believe in the good in him, and that I will stay right beside him, come what may. When he started coming to that night, the doctor was asking him mental status questions, and asked him who I was. He answered, "That is my very best, BEST friend in the whole wide world." The tears flowed in torrents. I am so grateful to have heard those words -- so glad to know he KNOWS that's who and what I am. I wonder sometimes how much he is going to have to suffer before he can finally escape the prison of his addiction. Life has not been kind to him. Granted, he has made choices that have brought hardship to himself and to others. But that doesn't make his suffering any less suffering. I know the road ahead promises to be a rugged one -- for us, and for everyone reading and writing here. I wish I had a way to give every one of you a huge hug.
ReplyDeleteI could use one...Hugs to you
DeleteThank you I get tired of all the negative comments I get from people for standing by my husband
DeleteI see a massive amount of compassion. That's what I see. I know this blog is kinda old. I've starting reasing from the beginning. Hugs to you.
DeleteI have kept your blog in my favorites for many months and this is the first time that I am reading it. I have lived with my husband for 33 years, we had 2 wonderful sons together. He drank when we met (as teenagers) and did drugs (which I found out later) by the time I found out about the drug useage I had our first son. I told him to leave and not come back until he straightened himself out. He went into the military. Spent 20 years in the military and is now retired. He had been mandated to rehab twice during his 20 years. After both times he was wonderful for a time. 13 years ago after his last tour without us, I found out he had an affair (not the only one) I left and he transferred to his next station, our boys went with him. This was only for 2 weeks (and I was in hell as this was the only time I was ever away from the kids..they were teenagers at the time). I came back with thoughts of leaving when our youngest went off to college (3 years) in the meantime our oldest son got heavily into drugs and was thrown out of college. We were all living together when my husband got orders to transfer for 6 months alone. During this time, our older son passed away from a drug overdose. He was just 20 years old. My heart will never heal and I go on day to day trying to act normally. In the meantime, my husbands drinking got worse and worse, he retired from the military and got a wonderful job traveling the world. He started using pot again and drinking everyday. That was 7 years ago, he has now lost his job, and is home all day, doing nothing. He never grieved for our son, when his name is brought up, he gets upset. I have tried so many times to leave, but I really have no where to go. My mother is gone, our youngest just got married, and with a new wife that is the last thing that they need is mom in the house. In the past 30 years, I have done everything, held every crappy job, cleaned, cooked, volunteered at the kids schools and with sports. I do not understand how this man is still alive, he has put me thru hell and does not seem to care. I am now at the point where I found a lawyer and have been trying to save some money to leave. I know in my heart that I stayed so long because I could not stand the thought of losing someone else. Now I have lost myself.
ReplyDeleteI came across this site also because I'm wondering how long a human body can take the alcohol abuse before dying! I actually had the strength to leave my abusive alcoholic husband of 30 years last summer, but after 2 months I stupidly returned because I felt sorry for him! I could've been divorced by now. His drinking seems to be getting worse and he just keeps getting meaner and more ridiculous everyday. I know now I must leave him for good this next time. I feel he won't live much longer , but one can't go one hoping forever. I'm going to pick myself up and get my act together so I can leave him for good now! Alcoholics are the most selfish people I know. I don't know if I truly believe it's a disease either. It's a disease you can choose to have.
ReplyDeleteThey destroy everything and everyone around them because they are selfish and pathetic. Yes, I'm angry.
Wow...after reading some of these comments on this site, I can't believe how much it sounds like I had written all of it myself!! This "disease" is horrible!! My husband of 28 years is an alcoholic. He drinks a pint of vodka a day and has been an excessive binge drinker for 10 years. He still works, but has some mobility issues. He's 56 years old but walks like he's 90. He has never been to a rehab or will not agree to talk to anyone about his problem. He comes home from work about 5 and his pint is gone by 6:30. Sometimes it takes less than an hour for him to finish it off. I know a lot of you have it so much worse than I do. I just get tired of night after night of the drunk state he is in. It is very selfish. I am alone, yet he's there. It's a terrible life for the non drinker. My heart goes out to all of you...maybe one day we will see the end one way or another.
ReplyDeleteWow. All I can think to say is, "Me, too!" What a sad commentary. I got to this site wondering how close is he to dying, too. After years of complaining to everyone about him, I finally decided to "shot or get off the pot", as they say. I decided to stick it out with him rather than to continue threats of divorce. Fortunately, all of my kids are grown and living elsewhere, so this doesn't affect them. I feel bad for him and still care for him and he has no where else to go. However, just in the past few weeks, I've noticed major changes in him. He never used to stagger and he's getting verbally abusive more often.Also,he seems to be blacking out more since he's drinking more--either drinking more or his brain is going cause his liver may not be able to clean out all the toxins. I pray a lot, which is what saves me. I'll add all of you to my prayers, too. God Bless all of you. LIZ
ReplyDeleteLARGEST
Thanks for your prayers. My prayers for you also.
DeletePeople married to alcoholics or are related to alcoholics naturally wonder how long he or she will live from the self-inflicted abuse, but the question should really be how long will I live if I continue to live with such a person?
ReplyDeleteI've been married to a fucntioning alcoholic for 27 years. Successfuk businessman so he was able to retire 2 years before his retirment kicks in. He has high blood pressure and diabetis. We have all grown children and as soon as the youngest left home, I've made a decision to retire abroad so we can enjoy our savings more than if we retire in the states. Also, in the hope that new environment will bring new beginning and maybe hope for him. Initially it was great! First 2 months he was drinking very little and his health got better. We are now going on our 4th month abroad when things just went downhill. He binged like crazy.
ReplyDeleteHe can drink a gallon of vodka in a few hours but never will drink in the morning or in the middle of the night. Now he mixes it with coffee and on and off will pass out in the couch throughout the day. Also first time he's been unable to sleep through the night as his body will wake him every hour or so looking for more alcohol.
At first I was terrfied thinking we are 10,000 miles away from home and how can I handle this by myself if anything happens. I began reading online about detachment. I realized it's a blessing to be away as this will protect our children from the agony of seeing him kill himself. They all grew up seeing him drink but not like this 24/7.
I began slowly detaching myself from his problem. I love him dearly but i know i have no control over his alcoholism. I spent many tears and heartaches and worries and this has to end on my part if I would have enough energy to fly and see my kids and grandkids someday. I'm 46 and he is 60, but the worry for many years made me feel older.
Each time he makes a sound or yells and calls me to help him stand up, I am neither mean or kind. I'm neutral. Just last night he laid on the cement floor on our driveway and i allowed it. In the past, i would do everything in my power to put him in bed but this time I didn't. He woke up few minutes later and managed to sit on his own but still groggy and was hitting both sides of his head left and right as he passes in and out of consiousness. I stopped counting how much he drank or what time he started. I began to take care of myself. If he doesnt want to shower as his hygiene went downhill, I no longer beg just so he will shave. I stopped carrying the consenquences of his actions. It's the only way I'm able to relax and truly found serenity. I'm on my way to fully recover from all the heartaches that this alcoholism has brought into our lives. I'm detaching slowly but surely.
I've been married to a fucntioning alcoholic for 27 years. Successfuk businessman so he was able to retire 2 years before his retirment kicks in. He has high blood pressure and diabetis. We have all grown children and as soon as the youngest left home, I've made a decision to retire abroad so we can enjoy our savings more than if we retire in the states. Also, in the hope that new environment will bring new beginning and maybe hope for him. Initially it was great! First 2 months he was drinking very little and his health got better. We are now going on our 4th month abroad when things just went downhill. He binged like crazy.
ReplyDeleteHe can drink a gallon of vodka in a few hours but never will drink in the morning or in the middle of the night. Now he mixes it with coffee and on and off will pass out in the couch throughout the day. Also first time he's been unable to sleep through the night as his body will wake him every hour or so looking for more alcohol.
At first I was terrfied thinking we are 10,000 miles away from home and how can I handle this by myself if anything happens. I began reading online about detachment. I realized it's a blessing to be away as this will protect our children from the agony of seeing him kill himself. They all grew up seeing him drink but not like this 24/7.
I began slowly detaching myself from his problem. I love him dearly but i know i have no control over his alcoholism. I spent many tears and heartaches and worries and this has to end on my part if I would have enough energy to fly and see my kids and grandkids someday. I'm 46 and he is 60, but the worry for many years made me feel older.
Each time he makes a sound or yells and calls me to help him stand up, I am neither mean or kind. I'm neutral. Just last night he laid on the cement floor on our driveway and i allowed it. In the past, i would do everything in my power to put him in bed but this time I didn't. He woke up few minutes later and managed to sit on his own but still groggy and was hitting both sides of his head left and right as he passes in and out of consiousness. I stopped counting how much he drank or what time he started. I began to take care of myself. If he doesnt want to shower as his hygiene went downhill, I no longer beg just so he will shave. I stopped carrying the consenquences of his actions. It's the only way I'm able to relax and truly found serenity. I'm on my way to fully recover from all the heartaches that this alcoholism has brought into our lives. I'm detaching slowly but surely.
Big hugs and prayer fir us all.
ReplyDeleteI too am married to an alcholic for the last17 years and we dated for 5 . I guess I should have said no but when your in love and you have been together for 5 years and he has never said anything out of the way so we wed
Now his health is going down hill fast with falls surgery and more fall not to mention the multiple seizures. I just don't know how much more his frail body can take. Like some of you I too think death would be more passionate. When all he is doing is hurting himself and me. I love him and I know that's a terrible thought but sometimes that's the way I feel
My functional alcholholic is now falling more and getting staggering drunk like a teenager. He also is having liver issues. Yeah!!! I refuse to help him anymore and am surely not going to pick him off the cement floor or anywhere else. I believe he needs to start facing the consequences of his behavior and addiction. I'm not standing for it anymore. I'm going to start videotaping him also when he is being verbally abusive. His anger is getting so bad. I feel he is getting worse in every aspect of his alcoholism . I'm getting scared actually for my own safety. I'm making plans to leave again but this time it will be for good.
ReplyDeleteThank you each one for your posts. The most striking thing was what I did not read. Not one person who sacrificed his/her life to stay involved with a non-recovering alcoholic posted a happy ending. Not one wrote, "It's all worth it. My brother-in-law / brother / sister/ husband / child / etc is now sober for 10 years and leading a healthy life. "Interesting game...the only winning move is to not play."
ReplyDeleteThank you for this astute observation. It just gave me such a reality check. I have been with an alcoholic/drug addict for 27 years. It has never gotten better. He drinks and drugs so hard I can't believe his body marches on. I keep thinking he must have a constitution of steel. I worry about him psychologically as well as physically. He shows violent tendancies. I think it's time to protect myself and get out. I have gained insight and strength from each of you. I also agree with you that the kindest thing would be for the Lord to take him. He still thinks he has no problem even with liver disease, kidney disease, and heart disease. Thanks to each of you for blogging.
DeleteThank you each one for your posts. The most striking thing was what I did not read. Not one person who sacrificed his/her life to stay involved with a non-recovering alcoholic posted a happy ending. Not one wrote, "It's all worth it. My brother-in-law / brother / sister/ husband / child / etc is now sober for 10 years and leading a healthy life. "Interesting game...the only winning move is to not play."
ReplyDeleteI just discovered this website/blog and I am so thankful for finding support and other women with similar situations. Mu husband is 76 and has been drinking for all the 40 years we have been together. At first it was only beer at night and weekends. He held a responsible job and didn't drink during the day during the week. However, looking back I can see the times when his anger at work or at home would be uncontrollable and I suspect it was the alcohol. Now, I can see the toll all of this is taking on his body. And I am surprised that his doctors have not made the connection to his alcoholism. He averages about 15 to 20 cans of beer a day. And while a lot of you have spouses or significant others imbibing more potent alcohols I think alcohol is alcohol. He does not pass out or become abusive but he has memory issues, at times his red blood count is lower than it should be, he passes blood and blames it on his hemorrhoids and eats one meal per day and at that eats less than a six year old. Two bites and he says it is filling. He's done. I don't know much about the various stages of this disease/condition and I don't know what I can do for him. He will not admit he has a problem. At this time of my life I cannot leave him as no one else would take care of him. But having control of my life and health it frustrates me to see someone that can't control their's.
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else. How long does he have to live. My husband had 2 strokes in 10 days 5 years ago. So I get the verbal abuse from that. We also lost our teenage son 9 years ago auto accident. So now he's all woe is me. He's also drank beer on the weekends mostly. He just doesn't know when to stop. How can anyone drink a case of beer? Some times hard liquer with it. Fell last year outside and couldn't get up. I was asleep. Pees on the floor. One time a new friend said how much fun he was. Told the friend the next time he pees on the floor in the middle of the night I"ll cal him to clean it up. Oh and not once but twice one night. He's overweight and diabetic. But keeps on going and going and going. I have my first pysh appt this week.
ReplyDeleteI came across this site looking for answers, and have found it helpful yet very sad that there are so many in the same situation as me.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is just 61 but could easily be mistaken for 81. He is just skin and bone, is falling over and vomiting almost daily. He has had 2 heart attacks in the last 12 months, has an ulcer and hiatus hernia.
For almost a week now he has eaten nothing and spent that time in bed. I have suggested he needs a doctor but he refuses all help. Which can only lead me to believe that he has given up and wants to die.
Yesterday he staggered downstairs and called a taxi to take him to the local shop, which I presume was to replenish his supply of vodka. When he returned he went back to his bed and has not been up since other than to go to bathroom.
I considered leaving him months ago but realised he has no-one else who cares about him.
Can you please walk me through the end life of an alcoholic? I've been dating an acloholic and he is now complete;y out of control - he goes for days and has seizures (he is loosing control of his bowels). I can no longer deal with this and his family has already abandoned him. He is 52 and has a very long family history of alcoholism. I'm a nervous wreck..
ReplyDeleteThank you to all for sharing....in each post I had something in common. I am amazed at how all your stories sound exactly like mine including the one that states...there will be no good memories with an end stage alcoholic. You have all given me the strength to push forward and continue to put myself, my needs, my life, the things that make me happy first instead of chasing an alcoholic who I also believed there was no one else to care for them. So, in light of all this...I have decided to make myself #1, the one that must find solace knowing that all my days will be good from here forward. No more wasted days and nights on the alcoholic energy vortex that is the essence of an alcoholic. After all, whether you are present or not they will still drink... so why not just live without all the drama. God bless you all, St. Michael the Arc Angel, Protect us from the wickedness and snares of the Devil, may God rebuke him we humbly pray and do thou, Oh Prince of the heavenly host, by the power of God cast into Hell Satin and all evil spirits who wonder the world for the ruin of souls. They have made their choice and though I am compassionate, kind, a caring soul, there must be boundaries to save yourself.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many of us. How did we all get here? I moved 2000 miles away to try to close this depressing addiction chapter of my life. My story is no different from the many that I read on this website. After 20 years of marriage, I left him. But there were those 10 more years of hoping for change. 2 years ago, I divorced him. But 5 days ago, my ex-husband was admitted to the ICU for detox.
ReplyDeleteOur old friends are texting and calling--telling me that I should send his adult children to see him because this time he may die. What can my children do? They have seen enough. Do they want to have this as their last memory of their once loving father? I don't think so, but they are adults and that is thier decision.
My friends christian charity surrounds me and at times overwhelms me with guilt. We both made the same marriage vow. It was broken. There are no happy endings when addiction rules your life. Addiction does not rule my life. I thank my children and family everyday for thier strenght and love. I am truly sorry for my ex-husband, he will miss seeing his grandchildren. He will never be able to regain the respect of his children. I wish that he would have chosen differently.
My father destroyed our lives being an alcoholic. My mom, me and my two sisters have been suffering since last 25 years. My mom would not leave him, because of which we have suffered a lot. I have a traumatized childhood. I have always thought that maybe one day, things would be better. But the truth is our life is meant to be painful. I hate my father. I want him to disappear from our life. He has been diagnosed with cirrhosis recently. But still i believe he wil live atleast for another 20 years because his life is meant for torturing his family. I hv no faith in life anymore. The day he leaves this world, maybe that day i would be able to smile and be happy. We get life only for once, dont we have the right to live it happily? But because of others mistake, someone else have to suffer. Thats life.
ReplyDeleteMy alcoholic husband pased away at 45 yrs old. I left him after only 6 yrs of marriage to save my own sanity. I pray all you have the strength to do the same. The AA meetings, rehab, 2 detoxes in hosp almost dying just couldnt save him. Save yourselves. I loved him from afar and it was so much healthier for me. Dont feel guilty for gettingbout of the dysfunction. My husband is at Peace now and free of the addiction.
ReplyDeleteMany of thee comments remind me of my life. I have been married to an alcoholic for 54 years, now his health is so bad and had so many accidents that I feel I must finish my course. Many times we have thought he would not pull through but he always does. I am usually the one that comes out all run down. Over the years of drinking alcoholics become numb to anyone. Their ambition is getting the next drink. I look back over the years and could kick myself for not getting out years ago and making a better life for myself. We have been through times of him out for weekends without a call. Jail times,,wrecks, affairs. You name it, been through it. All I can say is I was stupid.
ReplyDeleteMy alcoholic wife died last year, my cousin's alcoholic wife died early this year. I noticed he didn't tell me. I didn't tell him either, but they were still together and I left my wife after five years of marriage with a year old daughter. My cousin kept their marriage going to the end saying his first two sons remembered their mother from less extreme times when there were good days and she could still express love and care. His youngest son only knew his mother as a screaming enemy. My wife was in fairly good shape after she had a baby to care for and she mostly managed but we still drank and fought like two alcoholics. But I knew that it was going to get worse. Within four mouths of leaving her I was clean and dry and could only then become the father I needed to be our daughter. She had one sober parent, but you can guess what my wife's alcoholic woman scorned's fury was like to me. We got through it and my daughter hasn't done bad considering her parents, she's normal as far as addiction goes and successful. It broke my heart to leave my daughter (specially alone alone with a violent alcoholic) but I think it was my only course and it seems to have worked, and the two children my ex-wife had later have a good relationship with me - I think they don't anyone else sober. Thanks for letting me write.
ReplyDeleteI have lived with my alcoholic husband for over 23 years. We got married when I was 18 and he was 21. He has drank from day one.What do you know at 18? He is a functioning alcoholic and has always held a job. I would much rather work with him than live with him.He has become a pretty mean drunk over the last few years.His family has always denied his drinking problems...As does he.He says he doesnt have a problem with drinking..the only problem is that I have the problem with his drinking.Ive spent most of our marriage trying to get him to give it up and I finally realized he never will.I raised 4 children over the years our youngest 2 are 17. I have spent all these years waiting to get the children grown..waiting to just be free from the never-ending burden of his addiction. I love him.. but I hate him for robbing me of so many things. Ive had all the responsibilty of life and family on me because he stays drunk. You have to learn to be self reliant and self sufficieNt when living with an alcoholic because they are unavailable...emotionally, spiritually, and sometimes physically.If you are considering marriage to someone you remotely believe has an addiction problem...dont think youll change them...run dont walk...run the other way. I got married because I choose to because I was in "love".Ive paid dear and hard for my naivety. And so have my children. I thought a million times ...I wish I could go back..the only thing good was my children. THEY are my reward.I have raised them pretty much alone because my husband has lived absorbed in his alcohol. And he doesnt even see it.I dont recall one birthday or holiday or any special occasion in 23 years that wasnt spent worried sick of how he was going to ruin it by his drunkenness.Our whole marriage has been ruled by his addiction and he thinks everything is fine??!! I call it denial.Ive told him that he shouldve been on the receiving end and his perception might be different. He has developed high blood pressure and is diabetic and has had elevated liver enzymes for 15 years.Ive spent all these years hoping and praying he would "see the light" but as the years pass thats become a very dim hope.Not sure if I have it in me to spend the second part of life tied to the downward spiral of his health issues when he seems to not care...but I know are coming.I swore til death do us part..and thats what has kept me going..besides my kids.But sometimes I wish there was a loophole.Thanks for letting me share.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy I found this site. I left my husband of 20 years. With guilt,regret and a broken heart. It took years to leave (thank you AlAnon) I thought I would go back. Surely, my leaving would make him hit bottom. But it never did. Especially, since I monitored his bills and made sure they were paid.
ReplyDeleteHe is the sweetest man, lost and confused by what is happening, but helpless to stop. I get calls from the Police to come to the ER twice a year. In between he is working his way through the money he has, and looking for more.
He is entitled to 1/3 my pension and 1/2 my 403B (read 401). I can't even access the money without his permission. So I filed for divorce. I'll probably still lose the money-but I'll be free. I tried to stay and I kept hoping the end would come and I would inherit. But he's 61 and while diabetic, and almost unable to walk(he says). I see no end in sight. I just did a life expectancy quiz on bankrate.com....and they estimate he will live for another 10 years. (They give me 15)
Omg I also was trying to find out life expectancy and stumbled across this blog. I've been reading up on medical sites about alcohol dependancy and it's obviously not clear cut at all. Each individual is different and after all you find 100 year olds who have smoked all their lives. His life insurance expires at 70. Will he get there! 20 years to go and counting.
DeleteMy husband has struggled with his alcohol addition for years. His father died with a bottle next to him in bed. I see my husband heading that way. I've changed bank accounts and am taking money out of our joint account. He was a good man, still is, but does not want to help himself. Been in and out of treatment centers, detox centers, yet he chooses the live he is living. I pay all the bills and working to keep everything in order. I have a son and daughter in their 20's who hate what their father is doing but understand it it his choice alone. I've sought out legal advice and was told that I had to leave the house. Why should I leave? I pay for everything and have for several years now. Does anyone have any advice on how to get an alcoholic out? I can't afford to pay for hotels, apartments for him. I've talked to him about detoxing again and going to Salvation Army for their help. Would love to hear any helpful advice.
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time to reach out or seek comfort from anywhere or anyone. I too have prayed for my husband's death at times and I have begged God's forgiveness. I fell such relief that other women have this same dilemma. I love my husband of 29 years but also hate his guts. You all know what I mean when I say during "bad times" things can become unbearable in so many ways. Then during "good times" (which just means a slow down in the severity of drunkenness) we all fall back in love with husband and dad. My kids are grown now and one daughter can't stand her father, the other deals with him sometimes better than I do. Reading that some alcoholics seem to hang on forever is so depressing. Somewhere along the way of being with him and dealing with him for 29 years I've lost myself. I don't know who to be. He is extremely jealous so I do not go anywhere or do anything other than work or things with or for our kids. In some ways it would be such a relief to be free to be myself. Just knowing that I'm not alone in this struggle between love and hate, Jekyll and Hyde lifestyle gives me hope. The only thing that shocks me is how many of your alcoholics have gone through rehab one or many times. My husband has never and will never even consider it. He thinks because he only drinks beer it's not as bad. He just doesn't seem to realize even beer (he drinks a case a night, 7 nights a week) can cause alcoholism. Thank you all.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone..i have the same struggles. I have had the exact same thoughts and think to myself...watch I'll kick over before he does! May we all be shown mercy and be able to live life for awhile without their addiction controlling our lives too. God Bless
DeleteThis is also my first time to leave a comment. I am 70 years old and have been with my husband 50 yrs. He has been an alcoholic for all 50. When we were young, it was labeled sowing your wild oats.......but it never stopped. I have raised four kids and a grandchild single handed. The children were robbed of a decent childhood. This is a very educated man, who held down a very good job. Of course through the years, alcohol is also coupled with other addictions. There has always been another woman, always. The excuse is always, I was drunk and mad and IF you were a good wife! I truly believed and trusted this man until 10 years ago, when I caught him for the first time. Then all those red flags all the years.....well things started to surface. I was stupid enough to think drinking was his only problem! In the last 10 years he has had a heart attack, stents twice, quadruple bipass, pacemaker, diabetes, prostate cancer. He hasn't hit his bottom and never will. Smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day and drinks a 12 pack every night. His las doctors appointment, they said keep up the good work, he's in great shape. Well ladies, if you've put in 25yrs. of sheer hell.......you aren't even half way! Get Out!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI read many of these comments. Its so strange to see yourself in the experiences of others.
ReplyDeleteMy husband of 21 years are separated. He had an affair with a heroin addict he met in rehab even brought her to our home. Then he started an affair with the security guard where I work. They are now laid up in a motel since I kicked him out. He has decided he isn't going to go to work so he can now drink all day long and his girlfriend stays with him because according to hear she is going to do what I never could. Good luck with that honey.
He hasn't had a moment of clarity in weeks. He drinks around the clock. His drink of choice is wild Irish rose and beer. I always told him Rose is his woman. So the affairs aren't that hurtful because he has been cheating on me ever time he downs a fifth of Wild Irish Rose. The romance between the two of them has always fascinated me. The he puts the bottle to his lips. The intense feeling of satisfaction as he swallows down the wine and it takes effect. Its unreal.
I will never go back. I can't the humiliation was too much. The destruction of our family. Leaving me to sell our home alone. Ignoring his daughters and his little grandson. Its too much. Don't love me but at least love them.
But you know the person who has his back the security guard from work because she will not leave his side. And remember she can fix him and do what I never could. And believe me it wasn't my job.
I am so happy to have found this site. My husband of 32 years is drowning in the final stages of this disease. I was very active in Al-anon for many years, thank God. It helped to prepare me for this journey. I thought I had it all together and that I could handle this part with acceptance and grace but not so. I feel guilty for not helping him and I feel that if I do step in and offer help that I will only prolong his hell that he's living... So I pray for God's will to be done and the ability to just continue to love my husband the way that God loves him. My husband would never choose to live like this he would never hurt me and our children like this that's how I know this is without a doubt a disease that he has no control over.
ReplyDeleteHi I'm Steve and I'm an alcoholic. I drank for 27 years until my 3rd wife left and then I stopped drinking. I hope to celebrate my 11th yr of sobriety sept 1st. God and AA is the only hope I had. Quitting is very hard and I never thought that alcohol was the problem. It was everybody elses's fault, I blamed everyone else. I encourage everyone involved w/ an alcoholic to join Al-Anon and make 2-3 x's a week if you ever hope to regain your sanity and to let go of the guilt involved w/ alcoholism and the pain it creates. Even today after 10 yrs I see how it affected my 4 children. Please get HELP, treat it Cancer- go to the best doctors, hospitals, and whatever help you can find, but not for the Alcoholic but for the FAMILY. The alcoholic will never do what You want him to do. They will only get help once it is a last resort. Don't pay their bills, find them a job, bring them to court or any assistance of any such. I'm not advocating divorce but I wouldn't live w/ one. My third wife ( introduced me to my 1st sponsor first) left me for 9 mos then came back. It's saved my life but mostly her and my children's a lot of pain.
ReplyDeleteSobriety brings other issues and the family must deal w/ them continually but Life almost becomes "normal". I tend to have my anti-social moments but got invoved in a smaller church and even teach sunday school. Not because I wanted to but b/c I have to serve others to offset my selfishness behavior created by my years of drinking. I am friends w/ many recovering alcoholics and they for the most part gifted, loving people. They are worth it if you leave them to their own devices- I believe an alcoholic/addict must lose everything before they up drinking/using.
My wife lost herself in the fight for me and I don't know how to help her find her way back. She is a shell of the woman I married and I pray for God to restore her and I am committed to be there for her and to LOVE her for the rest of her life.
START TODAY, find an al-anon meeting and find a way. God helps also and a lot, I don't believe I wouldn't have made it w/o God.
Sincerely
Hi Steve -- Thank you for your comment. I just want to clarify that Alanon is not the only method to regain sense of self. There are support groups other than Alanon both on-line and live that offer support to anyone who is struggling with having an alcoholic in their life. Currently, I'm trying to open a recovery center just for families and friends of alcoholics. Please click the following link to see what Linda's Place Recovery Center will provide to those needing such help.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.indiegogo.com/projects/recovery-center-for-families-of-alcoholics/x/13516780#/story
"...and every time he put the bottle to his mouth, he don't suck out of it, it sucks out of him..." - Chief Bromden, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
ReplyDeleteMy husband has been drinking, beer and a shot of Yukon Jack, for almost 40 years. He's only 53. I understand he had a horrible upbringing. I did not know he drank, his mother told me he was only drinking because of the custody battle for my kids. Which I lost, the judge saw something I didn't. He's been dying for the better part of 20 something years. He's been losing his memory for about 10 years. He talks like things really happened and I'm so confused. I saw a lawyer about 15 years ago, when my kids were little. She told me if I couldn't do it on my own it was a waste. There are programs out there, but you can't count on them. He works 7 nights a week. His boss and I were joking about him 'on auto-pilot'. I tried al-anon, but then his hours were adjusted so I couldn't any more. I feel SO guilty, I've had more than enough. I'm trying to take care of myself so there is something left if and when he finally dies.
ReplyDeleteI keep looking for information also. From smoking at an early age, he now has emphysema. We just add that to the rest of the problems. The information said it's bad when the memory gets involved. That means the brain is involved. I started to notice his memory problems about 10 years ago. That's my latest problem, what's real and what's make believe to cover up the loss of what really happened. I really don't know what keeps him going. My friend's sister-in-law put up with it for 47 years from start to finish. I don't think I'm that strong.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter told me I was keeping him alive. I researched what vitamins were depleted because of the alcohol, those were the ones I gave him. I have such guilt about my feelings,I couldn't not help. He hates doctors, I think he needs B1 but refuses to take any more meds of any kind.So now he has a hard time keeping food down, feeds most of his dinner to the dogs. They eat well. The drinking and smoking are up. He didn't want to go to the doctor, he felt like he was disappointing the doctor because he didn't slow down on either.
ReplyDeleteLast July I divorced by husband of 18 years as I couldn't continue to live that life. He has always been highly functioning alcoholic but quit his job during and divorce and now lives nearby by himself -doesn't have any structure in his life,no job or income coming in (he's only 56). I recently saw him and he's lost a lot of weight, no longer bathing and has lost bladder control, he's always in the same urine soaked clothing. I have begged him to seek medical help but he refuses. His mother cares but has no car or ability to visit him so I feel I'm the only one that can check on him. I don't want his disease to take over my life again, but I'm torn. The other really scary thing is that he still drives to get his alcohol....I worry that he'll kill someone. I've read so many stories on her from the caregivers to the alcoholic. I'm wondering what becomes of the alcoholics that live alone with no one to call for help when they fall, etc. Is there any organization that can help if someone doesn't want to go for help?
ReplyDeleteI don't know how people do it. I just found out my brother is coming to stay with us for a little while. Other than being embarrassed by my situation, my brother is another drinker and smoker. I know he has no where else to go, but I wish I knew somewhere I could go.
ReplyDeleteThat little light at the end of the tunnel is getting fainter. With two men just drinking and smoking, I feel like I want to cry all the time. I even got caught crying at work. I found out just this morning that my brother has memory loss also. Trying to keep the peace when each is accusing the other of drinking their whatever. I don't even know what to do. My girlfriend is very supportive, her brother was worse for so much longer. I have 4 days off coming up, I can't imagine what is in store for me.
ReplyDeleteI cry myself to sleep every night praying to God to forgive me for my thoughts of him dying. I have been married to my alcoholic for almost 30 years and the past 10 years have just gotten worst over the years. Hes a wonderful provider but on his way home from work everyday he stops off and buys a pint of Jim Beam and sometimes a 6 pack to go with it. He doesn't mix his drinks he chances the Beam with sprite out of the bottle by the time I get home from work he's usually passed out and weekends he makes up any excuse to leave my 10 am to start drinking. My entire adult life I have sacrificed my happiness to make sure everyone else is taken care of even him. I not only have raised 2 kids I raised a niece and have recently adopted 2 of my granddaughters at the age of 12 and 13. I've always thought I would be just like my Mother- in-law... Alone, as his dad too was an alcoholic and passed away at 54 years old with esophagus cancer, she's 93 years old and never even dated after his death. Last year I turned 50 and it's starting to hit me that I don't wanna be like her, she's a beautiful lady and I admire her so much but I want that fantasy relationship that i've always dreamed of. But how do I get there?A question I ask myself daily. I can't afford to take care of Myself and now I have 2 kids to take care of .I would not change a thing when it comes to adopting they have given me a reason to live. I just wish I had left years ago!
ReplyDeleteBut, taking care of everyone else has left no money to take care of yourself. I spoke to a lawyer about 20 years ago, she told me if I couldn't afford to live on my own, not to expect anything. Just because it's out there doesn't mean I'll get any help. My husband has played the roll of dying spouse for almost the whole time we've been together. It's been about 30 years. Now I've taken on my brother. The 2 of them are so alike it's spooky. And neither one sees it.
ReplyDeletemy alcoholic has two personalities, his daytime personality is for the outside world to see,working man, humble, polite. His nighttime personality is reserved only for me to see. Hyperactivity and rage. 38 years now.
ReplyDeleteNo rehab, no heart attacks, no strokes. Nothing gets in the way of his drinking. He has no intention of quitting. He wakes up the next morning and reaches for his coffee like nothing happened.
When I was young I thought surely he wouldn't drink like that when he gets older, I had hope, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. What light, there is no light. Now I think he will actually outlive me.
It's nearly 4 decades later, my whole adult life has been dealing with his rage.
To add insult to injury he says I am lucky that I don't have to deal with his job.
I have been living with abuse for decades and I'm..... lucky?
Years ago I tried talking to a family member about his drinking and abuse and all I heard was " aww, poor so and so, I'll pray for him". Gee, thanks.
Everyone wants to talk about the poor alcoholic who is suffering. Even tv shows and advertising! "Are you suffering from alcoholism?"
The alcoholic is perfectly content with his addiction, it's the family that suffers
God Bless You. I understand, I'm only at almost 30 years. He complains he's dying everyday. I'm sorry but I wanted him dead before his kids discovered what he's like. No such luck. Now he literally pushed his beautiful daughter out of the house. She hasn't seen him in months. He's starting to play his games on his grandson. He's only 18 months. His son tries to have patience, but he's my support. He knows what it's like to live there, so I don't feel like it's all in my head. My girlfriend's brother was worse. I am so sorry, you have strength in you that I can only hope for. There is nothing I could say to make it better, But you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteI left my ex six months ago & I'll never look back. After years of his verbal abuse, guilt trips, lies, poor personal hygiene, numerous stints in rehab & hospital (only to return to the comfort of his bottle of vodka within weeks, if not days), neuropathy, seizures, & general lack of dignity, I became resentful. I'd devoted so much time & love to his possible recovery that I'd forgotten about looking after my daughter (who copped the brunt of his abuse too often), & myself. I told him last October that his time was up; he had proven that the bottle was more important than anything, & I was flying interstate to visit family & friends, & when I got back I was leaving him. Three days after I flew out I got a call from the hospital- he'd called an ambulance after having a fall, trying to turn the TV off. At least I knew he was somewhere where he was being looked after, & my daughter & myself could relax & enjoy the rest of our holiday. I explained my situation with the doctor & requested that any calls regarding his health be redirected to his family (who were happy to keep their heads in the sand when it came to his alcoholism). When I returned home 10 days later he was still in hospital, so I started packing & looking for a new home to rent. Within three weeks my daughter & I were out & he remained in hospital being treated for lesions on his brain. Two months later he was discharged & I figured it was time to put my resentment aside & go & see him. When I walked in, unannounced, he was sitting with a can of vodka, lime & soda in hand, & I noticed two bottles of red wine on top of the kitchen cupboards. I made no mention, & proceeded to ask him about his health. As usual, the doctors know nothing & he has a mystery affliction. I went on to ask for an amicable cash settlement, considering the fact that I was his unpaid carer for 4 years, & my daughter now suffers from an anxiety disorder as a result of his abusive behaviour. He wasn't going to wear the responsibility of his actions & couldn't understand why I left him. He's convinced I left him for someone else, which is absolutely laughable- at this point I can't see myself in another relationship for a very very long time. Anyways, I've cut all contact now, & am pursuing him through lawyers. My daughter & I have never been happier for leaving, & I have the occasional moment when I can recall the loving, supportive times, but most of the memories I have are of a very sad, angry man-child who couldn't, & still can't, find his way out of the darkness & face his fears & insecurities..& I hate him for it. He wasted my time & love, & lost all my respect & trust. My best advice is to get out asap- there's nothing you can do to help. Love & support to the real "victims".
ReplyDeleteI can't afford it. I saw a lawyer who said 'if you can't afford to do it on your own, don't. There ate programs out there, but there is no guarantee you'll get anything'. At one point I had to go for assistance, The lady said for the small amount I would get, it wasn't worth the paperwork. My family all wanted me to leave him, but no one gave me a place to go. I'm still being offered a shelter, but I didn't want my kids raised in one. As long as I took it all, they were safe. At least for now. My daughter has such bad anxiety, she was hospitalized once. I'm sorry but a couple of months ago I was told it was all finally getting to his body. I'm not willing live on the street, yet. So, I'm still waiting for him to die. But things change and I still have an open mind with possibilities. GOD has been good to me. I'm trying to hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThank You, it's the only thing keeping me going. God has been good. I just have to remember that.
ReplyDeleteI have the same fears of everything you just described. My husband of 19 years has been a type 1 diabetic for 15 of those years . I feel like this disease has stolen my husband from me . He has been drinking excessively for the last 6 years I find myself checking to see if he's breathing , he drinks every day from the time he gets home from work to the time he passes out from the beer . He has been verbally abusing me consistently for the last 4 years and I'm horrified when I find myself day dreaming of how much longer he will live and what it will be like to be free . It breaks my heart when I'm sad he's breathing . No wife should ever feel as if her marriage is a death sentence but for me it is . He has killed my spirit and taken every ounce of joy from me . I am an empty shell of a person . I know some will read this and think why doesn't she leave ? My answer to that is as simple as any , I once loved this man so much I couldn't imagine being without out him, I couldn't bare to let him die alone thinking nobody loved him . He already doesn't love himself . I at this point am self sacrificing my own life , I feel like it's my purpose to make his transition into the next life as painless as possible but I fear my strength is dwindling. Should I give up and start over? Do I stay and hope it was worth it? What more could it hurt , let him pass on knowing the love and compassion that I deserve from him even though I have not received the same feelings . I'm so alone and torn on what is best for me . Medical things have already started going bad I don't know what to expect, signs and symptoms of organ failure, he's lost control of his bowels a handful of times in the last few months while passed out , I worry that he will crash again or have a work injury, I worry every day if he's even sober when he wakes, I believe that there is a reason for everything but god help me what could possibly be the reason for this nightmare!
ReplyDeleteI always put it on myself. Figured I deserved it somehow. If you have ways out take it. We just celebrated (HAHA) our 28th year. He doesn't remember so much. If you read back, there is a lady who's at 38 years. Mine has been dying for more than 20. I was hoping he'd die before my kids learned what he was really like. My family kept telling me to get out, but no one gave me a place to stay. I know it's got to be the hardest thing to think of, but if you have an escape, take it. GOD knows the real story and what's in your heart.
ReplyDeleteYears ago...I wondered and wondered how much longer a late stage alcoholic with untreated diabetes could live. I constantly googled it like google was a psychic...I visited real psychics to find out...finally (after 10 ears of hoping and crying) I saw a divorce attorney who told me to wait. She had three other clients in the same position and their husbands died before the divorce and they got everything. I did ...he died last March. I pray he has found peace because I have, at last. I'm sorry to lose the man he was...but I lost him years ago.
ReplyDeleteI felt so guilty waiting for his end. I'm finally free of guilt, too.
Bless you all.
My partner has been an alcoholic for over 30 years. I have been living with him for 7 of those years - I stupidly didn't know about his problem when we moved in together. He is 64 years old and in the past 10 years has had pancreitus, his varices blown up (while we were on a holiday in St. Maarten and he had to be air ambulanced home for 30k), his stomach swell and have to be drained and septic blood poisoning. He has been to 4 rehabs and 4 detoxes. All to no avail. He will not go to another rehab and he won't stop, though he vows he will stay alive - if that is what you want to call it - I don't call it living - it is a body existing. My 20 year old daughter is moving out at my expense to an apartment because he would go in to her room and drink her wine and replace it with water - like she wouldn't notice. She hates him - his own daughter will have nothing to do with him - for 3 years she hasn't even communicated with him. I want peace and do not want to live this kind of life - but he won't leave. I even went so far as to call the police and have them take him to a motel - early in the morning he took a cab back, fell face first on my front porch and bled until I dragged him in the house. How much can a body take? I have been to emerg so many times for falls it is ridiculous. I came home from work 3 weeks ago and the entire bedroom and bathroom was full of blood from a fall he took. It took me over 4 hours to clean it up and it dripped all down the pipe to the furnace. This is a living hell and I too have wished he would just die. I never invite people over because he is unfiltered and talks meanly and filthily. At night he moans, yells and swears which makes it impossible to get a night's sleep. HE WON'T LEAVE even though I own the house. What is a body to do - I am working every day on 1-2 hours sleep and it is killing me. If what I see in these blogs is true, he could go on till he is in his 70s. Even adding in smoking every day and not eating right doesn't seem to have an effect. I pray, pray that something will end this hell I live in every day of my life.
ReplyDeleteMy guy is now in the hospital because he was in a motel for a week, drank vodka every day and ate nothing. I phoned a crisis intervention team from our area and they immediately had him transported to the hospital. Will be in there for several weeks - he is a complete mess - but the doctors and social workers are looking for places for him to go after hospital because I am not able to take of him now - he can't even walk at this point and his mind comes and goes - I feel he is on the end of his journey but even though I am his POA and deal with the doctors etc. I am so relieved that this burden is at least partly off my shoulders. I was drowning.
ReplyDeleteMine took a new turn. Last summer we found out he has severe emphysema. So as usual he self medicated with alcohol. He's now drinking beer and a half gallon of Yukon only lasts 10 days. He now has a rare kind of pneumonia or lung cancer. Tomorrow he has a biopsy scheduled. His verbal abuse has taken a new low. His memory has gotten worse to the point that everyone else is drinking his booze, not him. I'm sorry, but I'm happy for you. If you try al-anon, after a while it actually feels like the stress has been reduced. Maybe it gave the feeling I really wasn't alone. No one comes to my house unless they want to drink with him. My kids only visit after he goes to bed. He's night-shift so that's early afternoon. God Bless you all.
ReplyDeleteMy 45 yr old, high-functioning, alcoholic husband went into the ER with severe, lower abdominal pain. He died two days later. This was 14 wks ago. In the past year I had noticed he was spiraling. This was not new in our 21 yrs together. Nothing was different other than in the last two yrs he'd added 2-4 airline shots to his daily 24 oz beer. This was a man who never was sick. His biggest enemy was his own brain. I know this sounds crazy, but, I'd rather the major disfunction over his dead ANY DAY. I'm a 40 yr old widow. He was my world. He was my family. I'm reeling from the pain. Why has no cure been found for this disease?? His pain was the result of an acutly necrotizing pancreas. He was septic and died from multi-organ failure. When do you hear about pancreatitis and alcoholism??!!! It's usually the liver you always hear about...I don't feel relief of any kind. I loved this man with every fiber of my being and he, me. I loved HIM but hated his disease!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. The alcohol has changed the man I married to one I don't want to know. I just survived another long summer of being put down every day. I say the words, but the love that was once there has been destroyed. About 10 years ago we found out his memory was failing. The internet said it's not good when the brain is involved. He just makes up stories and gets angry when I have no idea what he's talking about. If asked about something he says he must have had a good reason. My mother was an alcoholic and she died suddenly 35 years ago. My family has still not recovered. But day in and day out of abuse wears a person down. I have to be grateful for him, I have 2 great kids and now a grandson. So on good days I try to remember the good things. But they are getting farther apart. I still talk to my mother everyday. We wonder how different things might have different had she not died so fast.
ReplyDeleteMy husband of 27 years is now dying of liver cancer which he got a reoccurrence of after his transplant last year. He is emaciated and losing his hair now from the chemo. It's hard to see the energetic fun beautiful man he was when I met him years ago. The cancer was brought on by cirrhosis which he got from untreated hep c and heavy drinking. He went through all the things described in the previous comments, he blew up his varices, he detoxed in the icu one time close to death. I was ready to leave him but I did not want to share my 401k and pay him alimony since he is on disability. Then he got cancer and in time he stopped drinking - got cured of the hep c in preparation for the transplant that the doctors said had a 90% chance of curing him. We entered a very good part of our marriage - I was so glad to have the man I married back without the drinking and lying. But unfortunately he is in the 10% that gets the cancer back and now he is terminal. I don't look back and regret the time I spent dealing with his drinking - I had my own reasons - I'm just sad now that this is what it took to get him sober and it's too late.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad for you, and I'm sad for you. I'm also glad for GOOD new memories. God Bless You.
ReplyDeleteI am married to a wonderful woman who I discovered a year into our marriage is an alcoholic. Her drinking started several years before we met and she masterfully hid her drinking for the first year of our marriage. She has over the years broken bones and suffered multiple bruises over her hips, legs and arms.
ReplyDeleteWe separated for a year and a half and she sobered up under the watchful eye of a close friend. She resented the close scrutiny but I decided to give it another try. She has returned to her drinking with a vengeance and at every chance a wine bottle or box or bag is emptied. I am scared personally, professionally, financially and wonder what do I have to look forward to with her? Her family is useless and I seem to be made out as the evil doer. She refuses seek out help and I on edge. I am thinking about separating and divorcing her before she drags me down with her. I am really unhappy :(
I feel I don't belong here. My husband while busy drinking himself to death, (more than 40 years). He has emphysema and a growth in his lung. I don't know what pain he may be in. He says he's been dying for that last 20+ years. But for now he works 7 nights a week. We've been through rehabs, and as long as I provide him with what he needs, cigarettes and booze, he usually just leaves me alone. But IF he doesn't get what he wants or feel is his due, he is nasty and vindictive. He even disabled the car if things don't go his way. He went through some paperwork and found something that made him so mad he hasn't talked to me in days. The tension is very thick. I'm just waiting for him to die. But like so many others he seems to have a long awful road before he gets close. I've made it this far, but I don't know how much more I can take. There is only one friend, no family, even my kids stay away.
ReplyDeleteI am married for 25 years to high functioning alcoholic although living separately from him for last 5 years with our daughter. He is much older than me and was my employer; he is manipulative and emotionally abusive towards me, and he and his family have been playing me off each other so that I have been too depressed and down trodden to escape - as he was my ex employer and a consultant in the NHS I feared trying to get my old job back to support myself because he would malign me - he is a charming man to people who don't know or live with him.
ReplyDeleteHe now has cerebellar ataxia and Wernick Korsakoff syndrome due to brain damage from the drink. His kidneys no longer work and he has a catheter and prostate cancer; I am involved with his care and have power of attorney in exchange for a share of his pension as I am stuck with a job that doesn't pay enough. I wish I knew how I could have protected myself from this!
My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years now. He is an alcoholic. Other than communion at church and given as a remedy for a sore throat as a child, I have never had any alcohol. My husband has been in the hospital for 5 days now. I had to call an ambulance for him. When I got home from work he had a severe head ache, body aches, and his blood pressure was 224/102 when I checked it before calling 911. Almost 5 years ago, he had a heart attack and triple bypass surgery. Since then he has developed diabetes. The edema in his legs had gotten so bad that they looked like they would explode. Whenever he would bump his leg on something the skin would break open and clear liquid would run down his leg, and it would not want to heal. Since I am trying to keep my business afloat, I am not constantly sitting with him in the hospital. And it seems I always miss the doctors when they come to see him. So I have not been able to talk with them. When I ask my husband about what the doctors have to say he is very vague and says they don't know what is wrong with him. So I started googling his symptoms and came across alcoholism in the late stages. I learned early on in our marriage not to bring up anything related to his alcoholism. He gets very abusive if I do. And he has been hiding his drinking and thinks I don't know about it. But I can tell when he's been drinking and I have found the bottles. I guess I am just wondering if anyone else has seen these type symptoms in your alcoholics and could let me know what to expect next.
ReplyDeleteMy husband doesn't follow the general alcoholic symptoms. He works 7 days a week. I think he has 'wet brain'. His memory totally stinks. But he's so skinny, I know he's losing weight. His body or his brain, is attacking itself. He seems to be falling apart from the inside. None of the doctors said anything about his kidneys or liver. I feel like he's going to be around forever and he's getting more verbal abusive. I don't make enough to leave and don't want to go to a shelter.
ReplyDeleteIt passes. I am 17 years post filing for divorce from the 20 year marriage to the love of my life, wonderful man (alcoholic), father of my two children, who brought joy and then horror into our lives. Best decision I ever made. Hardest path I ever walked. He committed suicide 12 years ago (at 51), and his final wish was that his siblings (parents had passed) should never speak to me again. The guilt created psychological hell for us for years. The elder child was 18 at time of suicide and has embraced a life of excessive control and fear (this saddens me, but it her life to captain), the younger child was 14 at the time of the suicide and is recognizing that she wants a better life than one pulled upon by a closeted eating disorder (she has self worth and sees the issues are not her doing). I married for survival of all of us 13 years ago. My husband adores me for qualities I cannot see, my ability to love a man is diminished, but I am back. I am smart and capable and a model for my adult children. I have an excellent job, am well respected at work and able to support all of us. I know why I loved a man who was emotionally a child. I know I saved 3 people from poverty, and likely death on the street. Just my story. My alcoholic made me walk the hardest path. I will always love the man I saw when I was engaging in fantasy thinking. But live in the real word. I wished for his death. People do that.
ReplyDeleteI feel so blessed to have found this site. I, too, was using Google to find out if end stage alcoholism was painful. My partner of fours years, (long distance relationship) was found dead in his home just one week ago today. He was an alcoholic. The coroner said he died of acute alcoholism. I saw him just three weeks ago, and while I knew he was unwell, I didn't expect this. I had tried to talk to him about his drinking and he would get very defensive. He had been so incredibly verbally abusive and mean. However, I loved him deeply and promised to always stay by his side, as if I was some type of hero. I promised never to abandon him. He was my soul mate and my best friend. I am angry that he chose the booze over me, his children, his grandchildren. I'm angry I didn't get to say goodbye. I wonder what his last hours were like. I'm so very sad.
ReplyDeleteWe're still hanging in there. The last 3 summers have gotten worse, I expect to come home from work someday and find him dead. I think he has 'wet brain'. He can't remember how sick he is. Every now and then I find the strength to just ignore the nasty remarks and put downs. It seems to bother him. His body is falling apart, he's actually seen a couple of doctors. But he never follows through. He does know that drinking and smoking will be the first thing he'll have to stop.
ReplyDeleteBack in February my brother lost his battle. As I was going through his phone I found calls to doctors and pharmacies to get his life back in order. It was to late. I am now finishing our third summer of, what I keep hoping is the end of hell. My husband has decided he has Parkinson's Disease. He refuses to think for a moment that the alcohol has anything to do with his body refusing to work like it should. Short term memory has gotten worse. The anger has gotten worse. Like I'm responsible for all his pain. He finally has been seeing doctors, but can't understand why they can't take the pain away. He has lost so much weight and can't eat. But as usual I'm expecting him to just keep going. He may have to make the big decision to go on disability in the next few weeks. He seems to be in pain only when I'm around, so I have a hard time believing anything. I'm having a hard time. It's been 30 years now. He's like a three year old. He doesn't understand.
ReplyDeleteLost the love of my life last August after 37 years of marriage. After reading the posts on this blog I realize I was going through the downward spiral of alcoholism and watching her death like all of you. I tried to stop her over and over but she didn't want to and it was destroying our marriage and the life of our children. The emotions some of you felt were the same as what I felt then and am feeling now. Thanks to all of you for validating my feelings and helping me through this hell. I miss her so much but my life is better now and I know that I tried my all to get her to stop. But it wasn't meant to be. I will remember the wonderful woman that she was forever, my life needs to move on now without the pain some how.
ReplyDeleteI lost the love of my life one year ago. He drank himself to death at the age of 49. I shared 6 years of the purest form of love with him and the greatest hate. Loving an alcoholic is emotionally exhausting and draining. They suck the life out of you. I went through 34 detox’s with him and the longest he went was one week sober- the drinking ultimately took everything from him. He was in and out of hospitals- had to get Tips procedure. Constantly stomach drains. Ended up on disability because he lost his job. He drank 2 pints of vodka every day and couldn’t tame the beast. He hated being an alcoholic but he couldn’t stop- He could be the most charming man the world had to offer but he was often verbally abusive. This usually is the alcoholics way. It was the most toxic relationship of my entire life but he was also my greatest love. I couldn’t take the complete madness of his drinking anymore and finally left him and moved to another state just to get away from him. 3 months later he was dead. I don’t feel responsible because I invested 6 years of my life to helping him and he knew how much I loved him. He had a lot to live for but he couldn’t beat the addiction. Alcoholics take hostages. Run as fast as you can from them. Worry about saving yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure where to begin but my husband is an alcoholic of many years. He hasn't been to Dr. In over a year and he is in end stage alcoholism. He doesn't want to live so he is drinking himself to death. He lost his father(he was an alcoholic) when he was 3 years old and his mother remarried an alcoholic. Years later he lost his niece and nephew in a house fire they were 4 and 6 years old. One month later my husband and his brother was at a party still distraught over fire of course and a gun was being passed around and they were just looking at it everyone thinking it was unloaded. When the gun got to my husband it went off killing his brother(his best friend).His life was never the same after that. The trauma to much. 6 years ago our nephew committed suicide which pushed him further away. Yes he has been for mental health several times but did not relieve his of his trauma. We have a beautiful daughter she is 22 years old. He loves her to the moon and back but still does not want to be here on earth. There just isn't anything more I can do. He does work but less and less all the time. He gets edema in his feet and legs, has had a chronic cough for a very long time, very fatigue and weak legs. He has diabetes, high blood pressure. He is forgetful, repeats himself and gets confused if he takes a nap.(he doesn't know if its night or morning) it is very hard not knowing exactly where he stands healthwise because he hasn't been to Dr. In a while. At some point they will stop giving refills unless he goes to Dr. The unknowing what and when to expect is very hard.
ReplyDeleteHe's not a nice drunk! So very very hard.
My son has been late stage alcoholic for at least 30 years, and when he relapses every few months he needs medical intervention. Since his worst near-death experience, he has lived with me, and when sober he's great, when relapsing I almost lose my mind till I can send him the the ER. He's been in and out of more ERs and mini treatments than I can ever count, suffers with bipolar depression (takes meds) and has very bad knees, so can't do his usual work and is on disability. I'm 82 and folks say I'm strong, but I'm not that strong, and I feel alone in this. I'm not going to put him on the street. Period. But when this happens I resent having to deal with it into old age. My other son helps me when he can during these episodes, and he's been amazing, but for the day to day duration of these things I'm on my own. I appreciate this site so much, and I wish everyone the best.
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