Collateral damage...

For every alcoholic there are at least five people who are caught in the collateral damage. Often one of the collateral damage group will precede the alcoholic to the grave. The stress and insanity of being in the life of an alcoholic can cause the non-alcoholic to wear down and not be attentive to their own needs. The lack of self-attention can generate into health issues.
I know that’s where I am and somehow I feel that I’m in quicksand and cannot pull myself out. Every time I start to focus on myself, Riley has an issue that needs immediate attention. I drop what I’m doing or alter my focus and he has regained control of my life. I never intended for my life to be just about him. Yet, here I am – reaching for that branch that can pull me out only to have the branch break just as I grab hold.

The cavalry is on the way. When I start getting money from the Veterans Administration I can hire a personal aide for Riley. That will allow me the opportunity to go to the gym and cook the right food. Right now, I cook whatever Riley wants and often what he wants doesn’t fit into a healthy eating plan for me. I don’t have time or energy to prepare to totally different meals. An aide can help with his meal planning and preparing.

I was once asked who is the most crazy, the alcoholic or the caretaker. Of course the caretaker is more crazy than the alcoholic. Who in their right minds would volunteer to take care of a belligerent, abusive, incoherent drunk? The answer is a person just like me. We can’t blame the cloudiness of a drink for making an irrational decision. We can only blame ourselves. Sometimes we don’t even realize that we’ve made a decision until it’s too late. But, no matter how we got here – here we are and if things don’t change they will remain the same.

For me – I CHOSE this boulevard of insanity. I had the best intentions of protecting my daughter and my strategy worked. She is safe from her father’s insane demands. My grandchildren are safe from Riley’s absurd antics. But what is left in the wake of my success? It is not a pretty sight.

I’ve gained 50 pounds since June of 2009 when I first took Riley back into my house. I’ve had a stroke, a mini-heart attack and have been diagnosed as diabetic.  I blame the excess weight and my lack of exercise for my health. Each morning I endeavor to do something, anything, just one thing, that is healthy for me. Sometimes I’m successful, other days not so much. I know the stress is causing me a lot of harm. My headaches are more frequent now and the tiredness is continual. But, I tell myself – it will all be over soon.

So who is the crazy one? Riley gets waited on hand and foot every single day. Like a king on his throne, he sits in his rocking chair and tells me what he needs/wants. I cook him whatever he wants (in hopes of him actually eating it). The den TV is set to the channels only he wants to watch. There is no reason for him to move from that spot. He wears diapers now, so he doesn’t even make an effort to get to the toilet on time. He sleeps as often and for as long as he wants and if a noise should happen to wake him, he will demand to know what is going on. I jump to calm him down – I do everything I can to meet his demands. He has the Life of Riley. I’m crazy to be his servant and make it that easy for him. I’m the crazy one.

I can control him, at least, for short periods of time. If I threaten to put him in a nursing home or a mental institution, he becomes more reasonable for a day. The next day he forgets the threat and we are back at square one. If I threaten on a daily basis, I fear he will begin to take my threat as just that – a threat. The reality is that I have been unable to find a nursing home who will accept him. And to put him in an institution would mean a long drawn out process – I don’t think he has that much time left.

For the past month we’ve had a visiting nurse. Riley likes her visits and he is always more agreeable for several days after. But, this is the last week we will see her. Unless I can get the doctor to request hospice, things will go back to the way they were before the visiting nurse.
Having the nurse has been great for me as well besides Riley’s improved behavior, she tells me about dangers she sees ahead. She’s not allowed to make a diagnosis or to predict any outcomes. But she does give me her opinion and answers my questions to the best of her ability by bending, but not breaking any rules.

Currently, the nurse’s concerns are about Riley’s erratic heart beat and blood pressure levels. The fact that he is constantly in pain in his entire right side, is an indication that he has had, yet another, stroke or even a heart attack.  He has swelling in his feet and legs from fluid retention. And – although he did not break his wrist in a fall, she suspects he may have broken his arm.

Today, I’m attempting to get Riley into the van so I can take him to the doctors. It will take some fancy footwork on my part – but I’m think that maybe I can do this. Once he’s at the doctor’s office, they will take another x-ray of his arm, do an EKG and probably more blood work. While there, I’m going to see if I can get the doc to order hospice. I’m hoping for a productive appointment.

As for me – each day I will continue to try to diminish my own craziness. That’s why I write this blog and support other caretakers through the OARS support group. I try to keep my focus on today which is only as bad as I let it be. I’m only as crazy as I allow myself to be. I have managed to reduce Riley’s collateral damage to only one person – ME – and I will not go crazily before him and leave him to expand is collateral damage circle. My new mission is to OUTLIVE him.