Detour in the road...

My resolve to let Riley be “left alone” has not waned. In fact, it grows stronger with each day. I’m sleeping better and feeling much more relaxed. The best part is I’m making plans again for several different events. Although I’m recognizing that I’m angry – still – I’m happy.

Here’s how it’s been going:

On Friday I made my declaration of independence and informed Riley that since he wanted to be left alone – he was now alone. I would not do anything for him anything to make him more comfortable or assist him in making his alcoholism easier for him. I will no longer cook his meals, do his laundry, or clean his spaces. I also will not make or take him to doctor appointments of any kind. The only thing I will do is buy his alcohol because I don’t want him on the road putting innocent people at harm. He has clearly stated that he just wants to be left alone to drink as much as he wants even if that means drinking himself to death. That’s what I will do for him – allow him to drink himself to death.

Since Friday, I’ve cooked only for myself. I made myself some lovely meals and enjoyed them very much. Riley has eaten a Hot Pocket and a portion of a frozen dinner. He watched me as I prepared my apricot stuffed pork chop, but didn’t ask if I was making enough for him. The answer would have been NO!

I have not cleaned his bathroom and his bath aide is refusing to come because she cannot be in a bathroom where feces is smeared on the wall or floors. His diaper pail is overflowing and the door jambs have handprints created from unwashed hands. The trail leads to his bedroom.

In the bedroom, he has knocked over a short bookcase and the contents are now on the floor. His sheets have not been changed and when you look in you can see the bodily function stains. Dirty clothes are scattered about his floor and the room reeks worse than a locker room after a big game. A spray of Febreeze isn’t going to do the trick.

All in all things are going rapidly downhill for Riley. He’s on the downward dip of the roller coaster and I doubt it will make it back to the top of the next peak. I did not buy a ticket and refuse to get onboard.

After a discussion with the visiting nurse, we have decided that there is nothing more she can offer him in a skilled nursing capacity. All she does is check his vitals and since his butt is healing, there’s nothing left to do. She has offered to find out if Hospice would be an option for him. But, basically, she is as done as I am.

While the nurse was there for her last visit, she told Riley that it seemed that I had given up on him. Since he said he wanted to be left alone, I was granting his request. Riley became vehemently angry and said he didn’t mean it. What he meant was that he wanted to be alone WITH ME in some other place. We both asked him “Why?” He informed us he wanted me with him because I take such good care of him. When I asked him what my reward would be for taking care of him, he responded with “The reward is that she gets to be with ME.” Oh, dear me, I didn’t know he was so special that I should be honored to wipe his shit from the walls. What is the definition of narcissistic sociopath? Oh!! Wait!! I see it here!! Right next to Riley’s name!

I learned something interesting this week. I have been in touch with a former shipmate of Riley’s. This shipmate says Riley came to visit them 18 years ago. At that time, Riley told them I was killed in a car accident. Actually, I think I look pretty good for having been dead for 18 years!! But, shouldn’t I be much thinner? I don’t see a lot of fat on people who have been dead that long – usually they are just bones. As Mark Twain said – Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

So – now that leads me to – if I am dead, I can’t do anything for Riley because I don’t exist. That greatly simplifies things for me.

Thinking back, I remember that I have been committed all along to not stand in the way of Riley’s death wish. I recall that I didn’t want any more heroic measures to keep him alive. That was more than a year ago. So when did things change? When did I get off track and things spin out of control? What was it that got me confused about my direction? As I recount the events of the past several months, I know exactly when it happened.

When Riley fell and hurt his arm, I took him to the doctor to make sure it was not broken. At that time I asked for a complete blood test so I could determine where he was on his road to death. When the results came back, he ended up in the hospital overnight having his potassium replaced. That’s when all this mess started.

People wanted to “help” Riley. They wanted to “help” me. The nurse alarmed me with Riley’s erratic heart beats which caused him to go back to the primary care doctor and then to the cardiologists. I grew weak from lack of sleep and attending to all of Riley’s needs. I knew I needed help, but the type of help I was offered was really only making things worse. What I wanted was one of two things – put Riley into a long term care facility or get a personal aide. My goal was never to get him to enter rehab and attain sobriety – been there, done that – without any success. I knew just detox alone was not what I was looking for if detox was not followed by placement in a long term care facility. Why detour him from a road that he prefers to travel and will end with an abrupt fall from the edge of a cliff? It is the same road he has chosen countless times over the years. Why not just let him reach the “dead end” sign as he is determined to do.

The cardio doc is right in that it will be a difficult road for me to watch Riley traverse. I’m not cut out for the role of Dr. Korvorkian. Observing someone die is so very distasteful for me. My every natural instinct is to try to save human life at all costs. But, how many times should a person be saved from death when they clearly have chosen to die? If Riley had cancer and had reached the end of all possible hope, then as difficult as it is, I would turn off the feeding tubes and let God take him away. That’s what I had to do for my son. I must see this situation as Riley having an incurable disease and that he has chosen his own end. I must let God deal with him and not try to interfere in his divine plan.

So this is what they mean when they say “Let Go and Let God.”