Save the children...

I didn’t grow up in an alcoholic home. I had a cousin who died of alcoholism, but as a child I never experience any effects of his alcoholic behavior. I also had an uncle who always drank too much at Christmas and was very funny. I only saw him a couple of times a year, so if he drank more often than Christmas, I had no knowledge of it.

My father served in the Army Air Corp during World War II and was a radioman for bombers. His best friend was a gunman and sat in a glass dome on the airplane. After many missions the plane was shot down, but the first hit was the glass dome. My father tried frantically to get to his friend, but could not reach him. The friend was sucked out of the dome and his body was never found. My father never flew another mission. He went on leave and before he could get back into a plane, the war was over.

My mother told me once that my father had a lot of drunken days when he was first discharged from the Army. The drinking lasted for about a year after they were married. Then, according to my mother, one day my father just decided to let go of the pain and guilt he felt about his friend’s death and quit over-indulging in alcohol. She didn’t know what the catalyst was but she was grateful to whoever or whatever it was that made him “see the light” as she put it.

All that happened way before they had children. It wasn’t for another two years before my older brother was born. So we never witnessed my father in a drunken stupor. Was my father an alcoholic? I don’t think so. He did drink a time or two during my childhood – a highball at Christmas, champagne at weddings, a hot toddy when he had a cold – that was about it. A bottle of whiskey could sit in our cupboards for several years and not go dry.

What if things had not turned out that way? What if my father continued along a path of self-destruction? Would I be the same person I am today? Would any of my four brothers be the people they grew up to be? I think not. I think we might not have grown into the strong determined people we are today. We’ve all had issues. We’ve all been rebellious. But in the end we are turned out to be responsible, caring adults with a strong sense of family and a healthy work-ethic. I think that maybe we might have lost the ability to be those things if my father had not stopped drinking.

Children who grow up in alcoholic families have a tough time in life. They have difficulties in school and lack language and reasoning skills. It is difficult for them to solve problems in work assignments and that falls over into social relationships. If they have a friend and the friendship hits a rough spot, it is often difficult for them to find a way of working it out. These children often have a low opinion of themselves because they cannot control everything that goes on in the home environment. Other children strive for perfection and receive high academic grades. They believe if they are perfect enough, then maybe the alcoholic will stop drinking.

In short, children have an over inflated idea of their responsibility for the alcoholic’s drinking. They do not understand that they did not cause it and they cannot control it. All this leaves them with an overwhelming sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

It is not surprising to me that children who grow up in alcoholic families have a tendency to become alcoholics themselves. It is unclear if the alcoholism is a result of nature or nurture. I don’t think there is enough conclusive evidence to make that determination. But I do know one thing for absolute certainty and that’s that there is no room for children in an alcohol infected home.

I have often thought that if my son had not been raised in the presence of alcoholism, he might not have ever started drinking alcoholicly. Maybe my son would still be alive if I had left Riley and removed both of my children from the influence of alcoholism. However, Riley wasn’t around very much because he was deployed with his Navy unit for more than 50% of their childhood. So was Brian the recipient of some biological gene that he inherited from his father? It is just not clear. There were other factors that played a part in his death that had nothing to do with alcohol. But the end result is the same – my son died from alcohol related causes.

On the other hand, my daughter Alea, has no penchant towards over-indulgence in any type of alcoholic beverage. I’m sure she has experienced being drunk and has had a hangover in her earlier, wilder years. But, she is not much of a drinker. So what does that mean? She is Riley’s step-daughter, so she did not inherit any of Riley’s genes. But her teen years were difficult and filled with inappropriate behavior causing me to anxiously await her turn home after every evening that she went out. She protected Riley fiercely – after all he had been her father since she was six months old. They had a special bond that got stronger as she got older.

I just can’t help thinking that if I had left Riley and stayed away from him while the children were still very young, they would have a different life now. Maybe Brian would be alive to enjoy his life and maybe Alea would not have struggled so hard during her teen years. I’ve always believed that it takes a village to raise a child. If I had taken my children back to my village of non-alcoholic residents – my family – and provided them better examples of how to live their lives, maybe things would have been different.

My children are incredible. They are strong, independent, loving and I’m so very proud of them, even though one is gone. But, if I had it to do over again, I would not have subjected them to life with an alcoholic. If I had understood then what I understand now – I would not have hesitated for a moment.

If you are struggling with a decision of whether to leave your alcoholic consider the cost of staying from your children’s point of view. If you have very young children, do some research and find out what they might have to endure while wrapped in that insanity. It is scary to think about. Put yourself in your children’s situation. How would you want your childhood to be?