An Alcoholic Version of a Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house

Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse;

 The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

            In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

            While visions of household peace danced in their heads;

And mamma in her kerchief, fell quickly to sleep,

            And I with my nightcap, had just settled in to finish my bottle of scotch;

I had dozed off for a minute when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my recliner to see what was the matter.

 Away to the window I flew with a staggering stumble,

            Tore the ottoman and pulled the curtains off the window.

The moon, on the breast of the new-fallen snow,

            Gave such a luster of midday to objects below,

When, what to my wondering, hard to focus, eyes should appear,

            But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver so lively and quick,

            I knew in a moment it must be my drinking buddy Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

            They must be the guys from Roscoe’s Bar down the street,

And Nick whistled and shouted and call them by names I did not know:

“Now, Dasher! Now Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!

            On Comet! On, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall,

            Now, dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

            When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the housetop the guys all flew,

With the sleigh, full of liquor and Nick, too.

And then, in a twinkle, I slipped and fell on my head,

            Passed out until morning when,

The children thundered down the stairs searching for their bounty.

At first I had no recollection of how the curtains were pulled off the window,

            Or how scotch was spilled all over the floor.

But I knew something was not quite right with last night.

           Why can’t the kids stop squealing and why is my wife crying?

Can’t they see the pain in my head?

           With my vodka coffee in my mug, I hide in the bathroom to regain some reality.

I know it wasn’t a midnight hallucination,

            Nick and his buddies had visited my house in the dead of night.

But Nick says no, I must have seen St. Nicholas and his tiny reindeer.

I went to my computer and looked up rehab centers close to my home,

            My Christmas dinner was served to me there,

Because, I couldn’t rationalize all those reindeer on my roof,

            And maybe someone else will clean up all that poop in my yard.

Next year, will be different I’m sure,

            For sobriety paints a different picture and composes a new poem.

Hallucinations dash away, dash away all,

           Christmas will be pleasant in my home

So, I'm wishing everyone a Happy Christmas one and all!