When I come upon someone I know, either by accident or
design, the first thing I say after “hello” is “How are you?” I expect to hear
back that the person is fine or that things have been rough. The conversation
proceeds on from there. “How are you” feels like a natural segue into a deeper
exchange.
Over the past eight years, I have been taking care of Riley
and it has been a chore to say the least. My own physical and emotional health
have gone downhill. There has been a host of people in and out of the house
whose sole purpose was to help me with the care giving responsibilities and
relieve some of the stress. Everyone who has helped has been awesome.
People who talk to me always start out the conversation with
the phrase “How ya doin’?” I’m asked that question on the average of five times
a day from well-meaning, concerned individuals. Riley asks the same question at
least four times a day. It feels that everyone is always asking how I’m doing.
It gets exhausting repeating the same answer over and over again. I try to keep
it short – “I’m OK.”
How am I doing? Well, that fluctuates from hour to hour and
even, sometimes, minute by minute. It depends on what and/or who I’m dealing
with at the moment or what answer I’m waiting for each given day. There’s Medicaid, Veterans Administration, social workers,
nurses, doctors, friends and family who are constantly asking questions and/or
concerned for my well-being.
Decisions that need to be made bombard me daily. All the
while, I must go to Riley when he calls me 4 or 5 times an hour. I must answer
his questions on things that have no answers.
How am I doing? I’m frustrated, confused, tired, sick and I
don’t want to explain the reasons behind the emotions every single day, over
and over again. I’m not doing well. Can we just leave it at that?
Riley continues to s..l..o..w..l..y decline. His declining
only creates more work for me.
I’m tired. I need a vacation where “how ya doin’” means “Can
I get you a fresh ice tea?” Yes, a vacation would certainly help. Maybe a short
cruise or a stay at a mountain resort. But, it will have to wait until Riley is
gone and I won’t have to pay for a sitter for him. Anyway… it doesn’t matter what I need… I’ll continue
to be “doin’” the same way I’ve been doin’ for a long time now. It will get
worse before it gets better.
Thank you for sharing - it has really helped me. My husband has been 5 months in rehab since July 2016 and after spending nearly 100,000 he seems to be worse - not better. I have come to understand he is in the end stage of the disease with a long way to still go. Self care has not been a priority for me and now I realize it has to be or I won't survive.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter sent me your blog and I have read it with much interest. After 5 months of rehab this year and 100,000 spent my husband is actually worse. Self care has not been my priority and I realize now it is so important. I look forward to going back and reading your earlier posts. Thank you so much for sharing something so personal.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand! EVERY day people say, so how's it going? Is he doing better? NO, No, and no. He's doing worse day by day and after 10 years of this (ESLD, but STILL drinking a bottle of vodka a day, even though Dr. keeps saying 'one more drink will kill you'), I DO wish he'd just GO away. Just so that I can live my life, enjoy my grandchildren.
ReplyDeleteMy former counselor, whom I initially hated but came to save my life, used to get on my case. Every day for therapy he'd say "How ARE you?". I'd say "fine," "good" or "okay." He wouldn't accept those general answers. Not sure if you know the alternate definition of FINE. It crude but accurate a lot of times. He would make me use other descriptive words other than what I used to say.
ReplyDeleteThese days, I've found when people ask"How ya doing," is basically a greeting. They don't really want to know.
People always ask me the same, I feel they don't want to really know. I wish they'd just say HI and move on. I used to be able to get around the question without boring anyone. After all these years I just can't. I miss work and they are curious, but not really. Now my answer is 'ask about my grandson'.
ReplyDelete