First do no harm...

I have a follower who is the divorced wife of a very end-stage alcoholic. He is currently in the hospital. He had never signed a Medical Power of Attorney, so no one is legally in charge of his care. Yes, the closet living relative will be asked to take on the responsibility which would be his children. However, the children have become estranged over the years because they did not want to suffer the heart break of watching their father slowly kill himself. There are no other relatives.

As often happens in alcoholic marriages, the couple divorced because of the outfall of the alcoholic’s actions. The wife/husband will often separate themselves, so they do not have the unfortunate financial burden if the alcoholic should get himself into financial trouble. It doesn’t mean they no longer have feelings one for another. It’s often a greater act of love.

If the divorced couple do not have in place the legal paperwork that allows the sober partner to “watch over” the drunk partner, the drunk partner could fall to the mercy of the medical community. While their first obligation is to do no harm, the prime objective is to continue life for as long as the patient can draw a breath. The medical community is not as concerned about the quality of life as they are about the quantity of life.

The name of this blog, “Immortal Alcoholic”, is from the idea that an alcoholic can be so close to death and miraculously return to the living many times over and again. Unfortunately, they do not learn to stop drinking because they just had a near-death experience. Most often the alcoholic will not remember any of the trauma that brought him to, and during, the event. There is no lesson learned for the alcoholic. He will most likely NOT wake up and say “Hey, I think I should stop drinking, go to rehab, and live a full productive life.” What will probably happen is that he will want to stop at a liquor store on the way home from the hospital.

The families remember. They remember every detail, every harsh word, every derogatory name, every jump-start of the heart, every coma-like minute of the hospital stay. They are exhausted. They are a mixture of elation and disappointment. They live a life of contradiction. While happy the loved one is alive, they are disappointed that there is no end in sight. And they are angry. Through the laughter and smiles, they try to hide their anger. They know that what they have just been through over the last days or weeks, is a process that will be repeated. It’s just a matter of time.

A Medical Power of Attorney, which gives the right to make decisions for the alcoholic when they cannot make the decision on their own, over to a trusted individual. Usually it is given to the spouse but can be assigned to anyone of the alcoholic’s choosing. There should be a clear understanding of what the alcoholic would want in terms of continuing his life. The choices should be made during a time when the alcoholic is the most sober.

Riley vacillated between having a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate Order) and not having a DNR. However, he was always adamant about not wanting to be kept alive on any type of equipment. If he could not breathe on his own, he was not to be kept alive. If it appeared he would not have a quality of life that allowed him to live independently, he did not want to continue living. The biggest issue for him was that if he couldn’t continue drinking, he would rather not continue living. He would rather be dead than sober. If there was any doubt as to what his quality of life would be, he wanted to not take the chance that he would end up as a vegetable. He wanted me to “pull the plug.”

The family knows that there is more to living than just the activity of the heart and lungs. If the cycle is going to continue, which is usually does, then who does it serve to keep the alcoholic alive? The alcoholic may get a few more months of hazy, fuzzy, bliss. The family gets a few more months of worry and frustration. The hospitals and doctors get richer with each hospitalization while the insurance companies get poorer.

If you are an alcoholic – do your family a favor and get the Medical Power of Attorney and leave no doubt as to what you want. If you’re a family member, encourage or insist, that the alcoholic in your life get that simple document that allows you to make the decision to do what is right for the alcoholic. It’s a piece of paper that will insure the alcoholic gets the best and most appropriate care possible.

After all, who knows the alcoholic better than the people who are the closest to him/her? No one’s life should be left in the complete power of strangers.

Find more helpful information and support in my books. Medical information about alcohol related diseases and complications in a language the average person can understand can be found in both "Immortal Alcoholic's Wife" and "Workbook for Caretakers of End-Stage Alcoholics". Find support for yourself and regain your life in "Surviving the Chaos". To lighten your mood, try reading "Huh? The ABC's of Understanding Women" and/or "That Reminds Me." There is something for everyone. Just go to https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=Linda+Bartee+Doyne