Since Riley’s death,
I’ve had a hard time focusing on a single goal. I call it “floundering.” There
are lots of things than need my attention, but I can’t seem to do one thing to
completion, but rather switch back and forth, back and forth.
I wake up in the morning and say to myself… “Self, you will
do something today that is positive and will set the course for more positive
things. Today you will complete just ONE thing.” Self listens to me – for about
half a nano-second. Then it’s a little of this and a little of that. Back and
forth… back and forth.
Back in the day, when Riley went to rehab, and there were
lots of those times, I would sit in the empty, quiet house and think about all
the things I needed to do. I made a mental list. Followed by a written list.
Followed by organizing and categorizing the list thereby creating more lists. I
would hold the list in my hand, smooth it out on the desktop, fold it into
fourths, turn it over, unfold it, then tell myself I would start marking things
off the list first the thing the next morning.
The next morning, I would have awakened from a wonderfully
peaceful nights sleep because there were no interruptions from a drunken Riley
doing whatever it was he was doing in the middle of the night. At first, I
would be startled from the sheer quietness, but then realize, oh yeah, Riley is
in rehab. I have my coffee, a cup or three, and take out my list.
Well, I think to myself, I can do this and get it done. But
before I finish getting it done, some other task catches my eye and I start on
that. That’s the way it continues until the day Riley returns from rehab and I
realize not ONE of the tasks on the list have been completed. But, that should
be OK because Riley is a new and improved person because he’s been in rehab and
vows to never drink again. Maybe he will help finish the list.
OK… well.. the first six or so times he came back from
rehab, I would probably have believed that line of recovery speak. After that,
he could have been telling me that the rainbow landed in our backyard and there
were several pots of gold out there just waiting for me to go cash them in.
FANTASY. It would be a fantasy if I truly believed that my life
with a newly recovering alcoholic would be a bowl of cherries with a dollop of
whipped cream on top. The truth is he will exchange the alcohol addiction to a
support group addiction. That’s the way it has to be in order for him to
maintain everything he gained inside the center.
He’s not going to help me cross those items off that list I
so thoughtfully made while he was learning how to live without alcohol. There
may be a brief “honeymoon” period where everything is all lightness and loving
and just simply wonderful. But it never lasts. I enjoyed it while I could. Made
the most of it because I COULD NOT depend on it being there forever.
Things would be good. Sometimes things would be great. But
eventually, they would always revert back to being terrible. And I would ALWAYS
be devastated.
You see… I screwed up way back up there when I was making
out the list. That list should have been things for me to do that I WANTED for
MY life. It should have been things to make my life happier, more fulfilling,
without Riley in my life at all. They should have been things I wanted / needed
to do that didn’t include Riley. While he was in rehab he was making his own list
for his life and when he got out, he was acting on that list and life. It had
nothing to do with my life. That’s what I should have been doing for myself
instead of making a list of chores and tasks.
So, your alcoholic is in rehab. Now What?? Don’t expect that
bowl of cherries life with him. Instead make it a bowl of YOUR favorite fruit
and don’t share it with anyone. It’s your bowl. It’s your life. Make it what
you want.
For more on what to do now that he's in rehab see this post:
So true. Since Greg's death nearly 9 years ago I have made great strides with my list of things to do.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great idea. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI divorced my alcohokic husband 15 years ago. He passed away a year ago today.
ReplyDeleteI live with so much guilt for abandoning him. He died virtually homeless. He might still be alive if I had at least done something to care for him.
I can relate to this post about never finishing anything. I feel lost most days. I say I'm going to do one thing, but usually end up watching TV and playing on my phone. I'm gaining so much weight and losing some mobility. I'm scared for my future.
I've been remarried for ten years. My current husband is not an alcoholic or addict, but he has a lot of emotional needs anyway. Maybe that's why I just want to shut down when I'm alone. But it makes me feel like a useless waste of air.