Are you playing the Hero? Part Two

Kelsey Brown of Nova Recovery Center contacted me about doing a post on the roles family members often play in an alcoholic family. While there are a few things in this write-up that do not match my point of view, I like what Kelsey has written. Since it's a long write up, this post will be shown in a series of three separate posts. I won't confuse the issue by writing in between the posts. However, when the last one is published, I will write a post giving my feelings / differences with Kelsey's post.

PART TWO

Guest Post by

Kelsey Brown
Nova Recovery Center 

The Hero: Using Perfectionism to Cope

The hero role is very similar to the caretaker of the family, in that the hero spends a great deal of time attempting to restore the balance of the household and maintain the outward appearance that everything is okay. Although this person is often a perfectionist, extremely self-sufficient, and overly responsible, he or she may also struggle with fear, guilt, and shame regarding their loved one’s battle with addiction.

The hero is often an older child in the family, but this doesn’t necessarily hold true all the time. He or she will appear to be confident and mature and may also assume many of the parental duties in the household. As the addict’s substance abuse worsens, the hero may find him or herself struggling to keep up with it all.

In an attempt to do everything right and give the rest of the family some sense of hope, the hero often ends up extremely anxious, stressed out, and emotionally run down. All the focus on performing well and being the “golden child” ends up being an overwhelming amount of pressure.

If you are playing the hero, you may find yourself doing some of the following things:

●     Covering up the addict’s mistakes.

●     Giving a parent the emotional support they should be getting from their addicted spouse.

●     Providing financial support after an addicted parent loses a job.

●     Being overly concerned with performance-based behaviors like doing well in school or excelling at work.

●     Being unable to accept failure.

●     Lying to neighbors or friends about things going on at home.

Why Am I Playing the Hero?

For many people, the need to play the hero stems from a desire to “fix” everyone and everything going on in the household. They may also seek approval and self-worth through their accomplishments, although the constant race to perfection leaves them feeling inadequate and alone.

For some, taking on the hero role may also be a way to deal with uncertain feelings and emotions regarding the addict and his or her addiction problem. For example, on the outside, the confident, performance-based behaviors of the hero put off an air of strength, independence, and success. But on the inside, the hero is battling feelings of confusion, anger, and fear.