Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Really... no I mean... REALLY???
This morning an argument took place concerning money matters. Riley wants to get a copy of his credit report so he can find out “what’s really going on” with the money.
What’s really going on??? What the heck does that mean??? Is he implying/inferring/accusing me of mis-managing the money? Does he think I’m lying or keeping something from him? Just exactly what does he think is really going on??
I hate people who talk in riddles. If you have something to say – just say it. Pull up your big boy pants and say what’s on your mind. Ask me a question. Make a statement that allows for conversation and doesn’t imply a hidden meaning. Initiate a discussion that doesn’t point a finger of blame. But, be prepared – if you hit me hard enough – I will come out fighting. I will protect myself.
What is really going on is that we are in a better financial situation than either of us has been in years. There is money left over at the end of the month. We can afford to rent a car or buy little extras at the grocery store. We can afford to give the kids money when they run out. It is true, we are not in the perfect place. There are bills that need to be addressed. But those bills ARE being worked on and eventually they will be taken care of. Now that more than $500 each month is not being spent on vodka – maybe I can get us to a better place. It’s a long term goal – it won’t happen between now and next week.
But, to me… this is not about our budget. This is about Riley not remembering what condition his money was in before he came to my house. It’s about him not being grateful that I volunteered to try to get his credit cards paid up and put him back into a solvent situation. This is about Riley not trusting me to do what is in our best interest financially.
In my previous post I mentioned about fading memories. This is a prime example. He doesn’t understand that I was on my own with every single decision that needed to be made. He has forgotten that he did not / could not participate in anything that even resembled a major decision.
I tried. I tried to include him in all decisions. I have tried to keep him informed – then and now. I tell him everyday of the status of the bank account. When I sit down to pay the bills – he’s right there – across the desk from me. He knows what I’m paying and how often. He knows what’s in the bank. I discuss all aspects of money with him.
I want him to participate. I wish he could/would make suggestions that were real alternatives. But instead I get silence. I get passive-aggressive actions and then “What’s really going on.”
So… where’s the gratitude? Where’s the “thank you” for handling everything single-handedly? Where is the trust? Is he thinking he could do a better job?
I know… I know… there is brain damage. I know that it’s unrealistic to expect him to be a true partner. I know he doesn’t remember how things were and cannot be grateful from what he doesn’t remember. I know all this…
But the slap in the face doesn’t hurt any less. And the anger I’m feeling is justified. Would it really hurt him to say, “Thank you for taking such good care of me and everything else in our lives.”? Would it really hurt him to trust that I have BOTH of our best interests at heart? Would it hurt him to not be so accusative and be more of a participant?
Evidently it would hurt him because that would mean that his true love – vodka – had hurt both of us. I would mean that he might have to take some responsibility for his actions. He can’t do that – his loyalties are firmly implanted. In his mind his beloved vodka would never have complicated his life.
I want to buy him a bottle today. I want him to drink it down and I want him to disappear into the haze.
It’s a good thing we are snowed in.
at 11:40 AM