Wednesday, December 8, 2010
To my daughter...
My dearest Alea,
I know you want answers to your question, “Why would you buy Dad vodka when your life is so much better now that he’s not drinking?” I know you are upset because I still have not totally addressed the issue.
The answer is not simple because maybe I don’t think I even really know with absolute certainty that I would even buy the vodka, let alone why I would buy it.
But, I think I understand the underlying fear that you cannot acknowledge out loud. Although this is a public forum, I know you feel safe within the confines of this blog. So, I’m going to try to address the fear rather than the question. I’ll address the question in my next post – I promise.
More importantly, I promise that I will stay safe. I know I have health issues and I will take the best possible care of myself. And, I will do everything in my power to keep you from losing me to the insanity monster that lives just outside my window.
My protecting you includes protecting you from losing me. I could not protect Brian and losing him was devastating to both of us. I failed him. I will not fail you.
I cannot protect you from the pain of losing your father. But, you have already accepted the fact that he is dying and cannot or will not be saved. You have mourned and dealt with that loss.
If I become the ranting, raving, lunatic that the alcoholic monster has been known to bring out in me, I will get help. Arrangements have been made with your Auntie Carrot. She has accepted the job of protecting me because she is not emotionally attached to your father. She is, however, attached to you and has the same desire to protect you as I do. (Do you remember the nickname given to us “Interchangeable Mothers”?) I will not be alone if/when your father resumes drinking.
Do not worry about the “why”. Help me protect you as I could not do with Brian by trusting me to keep you safe.
I love you, my little Alea-Bee…
at 4:40 AM