Tuesday, June 7, 2011

End-stage definition...

Most alcoholics never reach end-stage. They drink and they fall victim to an alcohol related death such as a car accident, a fall down the stairs, foul play, accidental drug/alcohol combination overdose, undiagnosed conditions, or many other situations. An end-stage alcoholic is one that has the advantage of avoiding the previous mentioned downfalls either by luck or a very astute caretaker.

An end-stage alcoholic is an alcoholic whose body and mind have degenerated to the point where the detox process is just as dangerous as continuing to drink. That’s a quick and simple answer to a complicated question that is asked frequently. If a medical professional tells you to continue to give the alcoholic booze because to be without it, outside a hospital environment, would mean certain death – that’s end-stage. Here are other factors in making the determination.

Most end-stage alcoholics have already been through the detox and rehab process several times. The end result is often a return to the bottle within a short time – sometimes just days after discharge. On the good side, sometimes the alcoholic will wait months before getting drunk. That is good – the longer the time between detox and drinking the more of a chance the body has had to recover. But even then, a return to an end-stage condition, after post-detox drinking, will happen at a more rapid rate than it did previously.

I want to stress here that some end-stage alcoholics never get into detox or rehab. They are so adamant about drinking that they never entertain the thought of a possible better life. They like things the way they are and refuse to change. Riley, even after numerous rehab and detox, has stated that if he has to choose between sober or dead – he chooses dead.  

I’ve written before about the Child/Pugh and MELD score which is determined by using information from a blood test. The two tests are designed for ranking the status of people who are waiting a liver transplant. (See my post Information please... in March 2011) A Child-Pugh score of Class C and/or a MELD score higher than 30 would make the alcoholic at end-stage.

There are a host of alcohol related diseases that also contribute to the determination. How far advanced these diseases are can give you an idea of how much time an alcoholic has left. But, in true end-stage, that really doesn’t matter because the only way to recover from any of the diseases is to quit drinking. That is not likely with end-stage alcoholics.

An end-stage alcoholic will drink anything containing alcohol if traditional sources are not available. This can include, Listerine, vanilla extract, cough syrup or even perfume. Anything else that contains the word alcohol in the list of ingredients is a potential beverage for the end-stage alcoholic.

Because of the amount of alcohol saturating the frontal lobe of the brain, the end-stage alcoholic personality, most often, is not the same as the personality of the same person without the alcohol. Some traits may include: easily angered; unrealistic demands; lack of determining appropriateness of actions; loss of short-term memory; highly emotional; easily confused, and; inability to determine night from day. Alcoholics are subjective – what’s important to them revolves around drinking. At end-stage this is magnified and the end-stage truly wants everyone to “mind their own business” and let him/her do whatever they want – even if it impacts on other people’s lives.

Stomach issues are very common at end-stage. The end-stage alcoholic may demand dinner at a certain time, but will probably not eat much, if any. Often, whatever is eaten will be vomited. Because of that the alcoholic becomes malnourished and will often become very thin. But, this isn’t always true because sometimes the alcoholic will appear to gain weight. Unfortunately the weight gain is usually a result of advancing cirrhosis.

At end-stage the alcoholic has worn away large amounts of the mucus membrane lining the esophagus as well as the entire digestive system. The esophagus will split and bleeding will occur. Sometimes the esophagus will actually “blow out” and can cause almost immediate death. The force of vomiting alone is enough to cause a bleed in the esophagus or stomach. Alcohol is a natural blood-thinner. At end-stage the blood doesn’t coagulate. I’ve seen a bleeding cut or sore on Riley’s last for hours and even a whole day before the bleeding stops. Anything bleeding becomes a potential life-threatening occurrence.

The stomach may develop bleeding ulcers – a painful hole in the tummy. Imagine having a cut finger and pouring isopropyl alcohol directly onto it. It would be the same thing for an alcoholic to drink when he has a bleeding ulcer. And that condition, added to the lack of food and proper nutrients, as well as the inability to coagulate, can be fatal. Diarrhea occurs almost daily and the further along the alcoholic the more explosive the pooping.

Some physical traits of the alcoholic are the yellowing of the eyes and spider-like veins in the fact. At end-stage the skin may turn a fluorescent yellow/green, the nose becomes something like Rudolph’s, the scalp is itchy and flaky, and fingernails have a tendency to split.

If you are afraid to leave the alcoholic in your house alone because you don’t know what he will do – you’re probably in end-stage. The loss of memory can mean leaving a stove burner on under an empty pot. The lack of judgment could mean lighting a candle and placing it next to the curtain. The loss of balance can mean a fall and combined with a hit on the head – the results can be fatal.

Determining whether or not an alcoholic is end-stage is often easier for the caretaker than it is for the medical professional. That’s because the determination is based on what happens in daily activities and bodily functions. The caretaker can TELL the doctor, but to see it and live it gives a better perspective on reality.

148 comments:

Alcoholic Daze (ADDY) said...

Everything I read in your post was Greg in his last year. Definitely end stage and the bleeding varices in his oesophagus and stomach were what got him into hospital for the very last time. Five days after that pneumonia took hold, the kidneys shut down and the liver packed up too. Then it was just a question of turning off the life-support machine. A horrible way to go and to witness too.

Syd said...

It is a horrible thing. I can only imagine the horror of being an alcoholic.

Sarah Doughty said...

Thank you for writing this blog. I just found it. I'm 19 and my dad is an end stage alcoholic. I convinced him to go to rehab and he excelled there. Three days out of rehab, completely intoxicated I found him unable to move cuts on his head, arms and legs from falling. I'm trying to accept that its not my fault, that I did everything that I could to help him and he's choosing to die. I know its not going to be long, he can't really eat, he falls a lot and he lives by himself....Its just really comforting not to feel like I'm the only one going through dealing with end stage alcoholism.

Linda said...

Sarah -- You are definitely not alone and you are not at fault for anything. You did the best you could do by getting him into rehab. Unfortunately, it is his choice to drink or not. If the end is near -- it is because he has made bad choices. In the end it is HIS life and and what he does with it is only up to him.

You are a young woman with a whole life ahead of you. Learn from your father's mistakes. Don't follow in his path. Please get some help. Al-Anon is a good place to find support and understanding. There are Al-Anon meetings on-line if you can't find one near you. Go to a therapist who understands alcoholism. Keep reading and go to other blogs with this focus.

You are a good daughter and you should go on to have a good life. Write to me anytime.

Sue said...

I am with a lovely man whose alcohol problems have worsened dramatically over the last couple of years and who is now 'End-stage' - I knew this before looking at your blog but reading it has now confirmed it to me. It's a lonely place to be to still care so much for someone in this state.

Amy Kassinger said...

Thank you kindly for your blog, and for this info about the"end-stage definition". I feel for you, and what your going through.

I am for sure 100% an Alcoholic. I am 30 years old and have less than 8% of my liver left. I have cirrhosis, and have an enlarged kidney. My platelets are super low, and I can relate to soo much of what you are blogging, not only from your husbands point of view, but yours as well. My mom has tried so long and hard to get me to stay clean, yet I cannot. Im going into my second transitional living place this weekend. My DR told me that if I drink again, I may have another drunk, but probbably not another recovery.
As far as the sleeping more durring the day vs night, that is SO TRUE.
I'm not sure why I felt compelled to tell you all that, but thank you for this blog. Im going to pass it along to my mom to read as well.

Good luck with Riely.

Amy Kassinger

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. My father-in-law is at the end stages and even as someone not in the immediate family, his behavior has taken over my own life. My wife and I packed up our lives one month after getting married to take care of him and I'm thankful we are a strong couple because we have truly needed to be.

He has had bleeding ulcers, deadly-high blood pressure, clots in his heart and legs, brain damage, broken ribs (multiple times), his eye torn from his socket, stitches in his head, arms, and legs on multiple occasions, he's in stage-3 kidney failure, replaced aorta, heatstroke (from alcohol dehydration)... You name it, he's had it and continues to drink 1.75 liters of vodka straight from the bottle every day. Oh, his liver? completely fine. We're beginning to believe he's indestructible.

At any rate, I hope those of you who have gone through this with someone have support for YOU and will never be *that* person to anyone else. You can only feel sorry for an alcoholic for so long before you have to take your own life back.

Anonymous said...

My Brother-in-law is in heart failure after years of heavy drinking. My sister did everything she could to get him sober, we went through everything as a family. Him trying to convince us he was sober, finding water bottles full of alcohol instead of water, full blown interventions, inappropriate behavior, saying he will never stop drinking. My father is a doctor, he tried urine tests, special treatment in rehabs, nothing worked. My sister has gone into huge debt trying to pay his bills and hers. She finally joined ALON and got healthy and left a couple of months ago. We found him unconcious in his house a few weeks later. He has now been given days to live. My brother-in-law has a daughter and ex-wife who blame my sister for his dying because she left him..Even thought she and her family (us) are the only one who cared. They are cruel to her and us. It has almost ruined our family. You do not have to be married to someone to have alcohol ruin your life, you can have them be married to someone you love with the same devastating effects. I only pray he goes peacefully and my sister feels no guilt. None of this is her fault and damn anyone who says anything different.

Alison said...

I just got back from visiting my mother who is definitely in 'end stage' alcoholism. I'm so glad I found your blog. My mother never eats, she drinks wine and whiskey all day long...she is so malnourished and frail. It's heartbreaking to see her slowly kill herself. I just tried to be a loving daughter- brought up good memories of trips we took as a family, gave her flowers, laid in bed with her. But when she got wasted, I had to leave and protect myself. I can only do so much. You can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved. She refuses to go to the doctor or live in assisted living. I've been going to Al-Anon for over 5 years and it has helped me so much. When I was losing it during my visit, I called my sponsor and she said "Just because your mom has abandoned her life doesn't mean you have to". I have to always remember that.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your post, it doesn't make me feel better but it makes me feel less alone. I grew up with a father that is an alcoholic. I've spent years cleaning up his messes and I have watched him deteriorate through all of the phases you mentioned. His eyes are yellow, he has high blood pressure and heart issues. Every time I see him he has a new scar on his face or head where he has injured himself. One Thanksgiving my fiance and I took him to the ER for broken ribs, Christmas one year he fell into a heater after he took off the protective grate and burned his face. I take him to lunch sometimes to visit but the last couple of times he has thrown up at the restaurant, one time as he was walking to the bathroom. I've switched to taking him to breakfast b/c he is a little more sober in the morning. Just two days ago I was out of town and my mom was watching my son for us. My Dad wanted to take my son (7) and nephew(19) to lunch and my Mom let him pick them up. He had a few to drink at lunch and asked my nephew for help with something upstairs with his septic tank. 6 steps up he paused to catch his breath and passed out, fortunately my nephew caught him, but his breathing was labored and he freaked out. My 7 year old son was behind them confused and freaked out. My Dad lives alone and I'm so scared I'm going to visit him one day and he will have fallen to his death. I feel guilty and I want to help him but he doesn't want my help. He wants to live a lone. I don't know what to do. I certainly don't want my children to grow up seeing the same things I did as a child. Does that make me a bad daughter? I don't know. I have Christmas coming up with him and my in-laws, I'm ashamed but I'm sick to my stomach thinking he is going to throw up or do worse. I'm sorry I feel I'm babbling but its nice to let it out. I guess what I'm saying is Thank you for sharing and allowing me a place to finally speak out.

hisgirl6408 said...

I'm not sure where to post this question so I'm doing it here. I just had my alcoholic husband in the ER early Saturday morning. After a terrifying experience at home with him collapsing on the floor with what appeared to be a heart attack--he was diagnosed with Acute Pancreatitis. I found your blog and am wondering--is this the beginning of the "end stage"? I am trying to find something on the web that can show me what the progression will be from here if he continues to drink. He seems to be taking this pretty seriously, I can only hope and pray that the fear he felt is not soon forgotten. I must also add that I myself am a recovering alcoholic (2 1/2 years) and am active with my AA group. Although I am fortunate that I had a very very high bottom. Any insight to this "Acute Pancreatitis" would be greatly appreciated.

The Immortal Alcholic's Wife said...

To hisgirl6408 -- I'll try to answer your questions, but please remember I am not in any way a medical professional of any sort.

The liver and pancreas work as a team but also as indivudal units. Imagine a box of cake mix. If you put all but one ingredient into the bowl, the cake won't come out right. So if you use all the ingredients listed the cake comes out just fine.

Food is put into the stomach and the liver secretes enzymes that breaks down the large fat particles, but does nothing about the sugars. The pancreas secretes enzymes that break down the sugars. The two organs work at thier own thing, but combine to make the end result -- which is nutrition that is distributed to our body. Kinda like that.

The most common ailment that we equate to alcoholism is cirrhosis which is scarring of the liver which blocks the ducts that feed enzymes through the portal vein.

With pancreatitis, the ducts are block by a build up of the enzymes in the ducts as well.

It's very difficult to determine if your husband is end-stage. It depends on a lot of facts and not just one specific one. You have to look at the entire picture. My workbook can help you determine how severe your husband's condition is.

In either case, Cirrhosis or Pancreatitis, the main thing is that the person must stop drinking to prevent further damage to the organs. There is no other option.

If your husband continues to drink toxins will build up in his blood and they will take up residence in his brain. And/or he can end up with esophegeal varices resulting from a blockage of the flow from the portal vein. And/or the enzymes will continue to build up in his pancreas and the organ will continue to digest itself rather than the contents in the stomach.

It is extemely serious and can certainly be a cause of his death. However, if he quits drinking there is a chance that he will recover and have a healthy, productive life.

He is the only one who can make that choice.

I hope I've helped -- Linda

hisgirl6408 said...

Thanks Linda, that does help some. Being in recovery myself I am very aware that this is a decision he has to make on his own. I lived with the misery for a couple of years thinking I could do something about it or convince him. I let go of that notion well over a year and a half ago and no longer police him or really even say anything to him about it. I put it in God's hands--it's not my job to convince or try to control him. Again, I can only hope and pray that he chooses to quit. Thanks again and I am glad I found your blog and will be following your journey. I will take a look into the workbook as well.

Anonymous said...

I just came across your blog, it is just what I needed to read, it's funny how you feel so alone in something like this. My boyfriend (whom I live with) drinks quite heavily. A six pack of beer and a large bottle of brandy a day. he was told a year and a half ago, when he went to the doctor,(for something on his finger,) that he had hypertension. Hw was also told told he has diabetes, (which he takes no medication for. He vomits everyday like clockwork, says its just foamy and small spots of blood. Lately he vomits yellow bile. He recently has lost his apetite. When he does eat, he says he feels full and bloated, even after eating very little. His stomach is swollen all the time, and his face is swollen too. He takes shots before work in the morning so he wont shake.Holds down his job, and thinks everyone is fooled, his boss knows hes drunk, but turns his head to it,his urine is orange,then light, then orange again. He says he hasnt had a normal bowel movement in over two weeksLike somethings blocking it. Yet, before he had diarrehea every day, so i'm not sure why it changed. His memory is BAD, forgets daily, certain things. He will NOT get help, he doesnt want to go back to the Dr,because he doesnt want to "hear it"Oh, he was told he had a "fatty liver" a year and a half ago. So he quit drinking for 2 months, and now drinks MORE than before. I'm going nuts, watching this..

Anonymous said...

Hi Everyone,

I found this site looking for why my ex boyfriend finds it hard to eat anything and feels bloated.
He is my recent ex-boyfriend, and I am still very much in love with him. He on the other hand is very judgemental and rejects me.
I was with him this weekend and I was happy. He told me he went to the doctor because he can not eat.
He spends forever in the bathroom in the am and in July his had diarrhea in his pants suddenly...
He drinks about 3 bottles of wine a night. As his life in GF I was drinking right along with him.
I almost feel I have developed a mental habit of drinking in the evening because of being with him almost 2 years.

I am not with him everyday but have taken to drinking to cure my broken heart.....
I know it is not a good answer but I am alone and lonely now...so I havent stopped.

I worry about him, and know if I do go back with him I may wind up being a caretaker of an alcoholic...
As funny as it sounds....I still love him.

Anonymous said...

Hi everyone i am posting here
As my older brother is an alcoholic and has been for about 20 years he drink's strong litre's of cider or/and pure litre bottle's of vodka he has lost feeling in his legs and feet his nerve endings are damaged and has to use a walking stick when he goes out he has fallen over few times in past in my mums house thats where he lives and has done for last 3 years he managed to stop for 9 month's - drinking but started again about 2 month's ago he has lost everything his job his car and licence his ex g.f through drink and his house.
he has also brain damage and has had bad episode's of psychosis in past seeing pig like alien's and episodes of loud shouting his drinking problem has had many affects on the family and feel angry with him majority of the time uncomfortable to be around as he can turn and then arguments start and end up in tears lots of times i dont believe he will ever stop drinking for good he has never been rehab well he went for bout one day and then made excuse's to come home blaming the staff ! he also has a heart mumer and smokes tobacco and weed i just wish thing's would be alot diffrent but they wount be and wounder if my brother is at the last stage btw is the last stage near death ?? he was told last year by doctors if he didnt stop the drink he would be in a wheel chair soon or dead. Thankyou for reading and useful comments would be nice and would anyone recommend family support groups for people living with alcoholic's x

Anonymous said...

I am grateful to everyone who posted here. It is hard for me to understand because drinking more than 2 drinks makes me feel sick and I dont like it. Yet I am witnessing my boss be in the end stages, which always means my job is in the end stages after working for her for 10 years, I have recently lost a very loved boyfriend (he does not even act like the man I met, who was in recovery, but now drinks and does drugs). And I have an ex boyfriend that first got me interested in this disease. I go to al anon and weekly meetings, it helps. But still I ask if they love me, if I meant anything to these people, why wouldn't they at least try to quit? I would try to lead a better life, healthier life, and I do, if not for myself for someone I love. How do you ever get over the feeling not only did they hurt themselves but you as well? Thank you for letting me share. I am very lonely but try to volunteer, learn a new trade, make new friends, get out and walk, to cope with my lonely sadness.

Anonymous said...

Thankyou all posting. As I'm siting here writting' my boyfriend. Is in the other room throwing up. After reading all your post I know now he is in his last stage. He is a recovering AA 25 years. Then started drinking. 1 year ago. I have taken him to the ER 3 times for falls. Drunk. Yet I sit here worried sick. Afraid to leave him alone. Is it going. To get. Worst?

Ron said...

Hi,
Just had an ambulance take my mother to hospital. She was so weak she couldn't walk.

She is not eating. Her latest diet is 40 cigarettes a day, 3 liters of wine and 8 asparins. Sometimes some instant soup for variety.

I've tried to help her for 9 months now and she said she is sick of everyone telling her what to do.

She lies, makes up stories and believes them herself.
Her memory is shot and she has some dementia.
She is 62 but I have seen fitter 90year olds.

Dad left awhile ago after 10 years of mental abuse from my mother.

I love and hate my mother. I love the good memories of her but now hate the new person she has become.

She will never change and will be dead within 6 months from now, if not next week.

She/the alcohol destoyed our family unit. A horrible disease !!

WE need more education.

PS I am an alcoholic myself.

I am dry 50 percent of the time, the other times I try and moderate.
If I go hard I feel guilty.
I am not in denial and would like to go dry for longer periods.



Anonymous said...

HOW I WAS FREE FROM ALCOHOLISM AND SMOKING
i have been drinking too much of late….. i’ll “accidentally do a bottle of wine” in an evening over a period of about three hours. last night i drank three large rum punches…. over about two and a half hours. i feel groggy and slow today and maybe in the grand scale of alcoholism i have little to ‘worry about” but i am concerned seeing as my Dad was a major alcoholic and it killed him, i told my best friend about it, he gave me Dr sambol contact and i email him immediately and explain every thing to him and he ask me what to do after the casting of the spell i was free from alcoholism i’m on a week without booze, contact him he can be of help to you drsambolspelltemple01@gmail.com

sam said...

My dad has been in hospital for 5 days after his esophagus split, he goes to the same pub from opening till 6 then goes home and cracks open a bottle of vodka or wine, one day he didn't turn up so the bar staff rang up my dads friend to check on him, dad's friend has a key he let himself in to find my dad unconscious on the sofa, blood over everything. He called an ambulance and he had an op in A&E straight away. Now He can barely talk, he mumbles, hes drinking from a beaker through a straw, sips only he cant even suck properly, it's an effort to him. He has an oxygen mask that has to be on his face at all times and he now gets confused about everything, it's a very scary thing to see after seeing him up and well! He is an alcoholic, and a heavy smoker. He can't walk very well anymore he has to use a mobility scooter. I saw him today and he was trying to tell me how he didn't even get to eat breakfast...because he can't.. It's upsetting to see, I'm 19 and shouldn't be seeing him like this, not until I'm at least 30. It's sad I would love to put a stop to this if I could! X

Anonymous said...

My daughter died about a month ago. I didn't know all this about alcohol. Who would ever think your child would die in such a way at 27 years old. Too bad this information is just on a website. It should be shouted from the rooftops, and broadcast over every form of media. Young people should know that alcohol KILLS!

Anonymous said...

6221 wI just finally divorced my husband of 23 years. He is a alcoholic and a very mean one. When we first were married he was a beer drinker. He got drunk, but stupid drunk, as time went on and he changed his drinking to hard liquor- Baracrdi Rum- he got very mean and nasty to me and my boys. The boys grew up with a angry father and always were embarrassed on what there father would say or do around there friends, I really did no blame them, I was embarrassed to. I was always trying to be the buffer between the boys and him, but just last July I hit my rock bottom. I could not take it anymore seeing what he was doing to our family, expecially the boys, both the boys and I were always angry with him. He left on July 11, 2012, he called the boys peices of shit and crap, so my one son's got so upset he hit him. That moment was my rock bottom. I waited for two weeks - no call from him, so I got a laywer and filed divorce. As of December 19, 2012 I am offically not married to him. I at the time loved him, but then I think - This is not love- hurting the family as he did. His family blames me of course, saying it was over a little reaction, but they do not understand what we have gone thru. They can keep him in Florida- he is really not wanted up here in Minnesota. All three of us are in the healing mode right now ,no anger and no alcohol in our house. People just do not understand what and how it effects the family that goes thur and lives with a alcoholic, exspecialy one that gets angry and mean. I myself will never start any type of relationship with someone that drinks. I have had my lifetime of it. 25 year relationship down the tubes because of Booze and a person not wanting to quit- when you drink 2- 3 bottles of 1.75 liters of Rum bacardi a week and do not think you have a drinking problem, your brain is not in any type of reality. I hope for the year 2013 to bring us peace in our household- with no alcoholic to deal with.

Anonymous said...

A close friend/lover died of alcoholism on January 7, 2013. The last time I saw him, in November, he looked a million years old and had many symptoms mentioned in the article and more. He went home to Kentucky and took to his bed. I talked to him nearly everyday, sometimes all day. I loved him. I had no idea he was dying. Now he is gone. There's nothing I can do. Alcohol killed him.

Anonymous said...

My boyfried was a recoving alcholic who is now drinking again. He's been in AA since 1986 on and off. He is 52. He drinks vodka all day and all night now. I have only seen him drink a few times since he hides it from me. He has told me he is drinking again but I never see him drink. The only way I know is I hear him getting ice and he only drinks water around me and never with ice. I've found glasses with ice behind boxes that are cold so I know they are fresh with vodka. I have not confronted him when I catch these things. I don't have the slightest idea how to handle this. He'll get out of bed everytime he wakes up and I can hear him in the kitchen getting ice and pouring his drink. 3am, 6am 10am...all day around the clock. I don't know what to do or say. We live in different states so I only see him once or twice a month. Most troubling is I have noticed him throwing up violently alot. I can hear him even though he tries to be quiet. The thing that puzzles me is I can hear him back in the kitchen "getting ice" after he throws up. And when I see him he does not look sick or drunk, but I know he is both. Is he throwing up because of liver damage? Is he in end stage? Should I tell him I can't be with him if he doesn't get help. (I can't watch him kill himself)Should I reach out to his children and tell them what I am seeing (they are grown) or should I speak to one of his brothers or just go it alone? I care deeply for him, but all this secret drinking is making it difficult for me to trust him. My issues aside I don't want him to die. What should I do?

Anonymous said...

i have just lost my wife to this terrible disease. she was 32 years old. may her soul rest in peace.

Anonymous said...

Im a two timer , that is to say my first wife died of Cirrosis. My second, Well she takes very little to get intoxicated. She went from the most loving caring person to a borderline Narrcisist, with mood swings that would convince you she is Bipolar.
I thought since I do not drink, I was being a good example. I thought I wouldnt go into denial ..would recognize the symptoms of alcoholism ..I thought just because her parents are alcoholics ..doesnt mean she will be.
So after I recovered from my own denial ..started to work to get her help ..Once she realized she was an alcoholic and needed to seek help ..Her alcoholic parents convinced her other wise and that she needed to leave me..So she continues to Drink ...I continue to try to protect my kids the best I can.
There is a Book aduldt children of alcoholics ..I suggest if you are one or have kids in an alcoholic enviroment you read it .

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Anonymous said...

Hi, I am new to this blog. My husband is 47 years old and I am 36. We have a four year old beautiful little girl. We have been together for 13 years. He has always been a drinker and for years has admitted he is an alcoholic. When we first met he would drink 7 beers/day. When he would drink more like 10 there was always potential for him to flip out over nothing and do ridiculous things like throw the lawn furniture off the deck. He has never done anything physically violent toward me. Through the years his drinking has gotten worse. He has always started drinking about noon. He now drinks 12-18 drinks/day and seems to black out every day at about 4:00. Of course he doesn't pass out until about 9:00 at night. That leaves a lot of time that he is just in a total drunk alcoholic blackout. He still will still ocasionally use vulgar language around our daughter while in this state. I think he is still somehow aware that I am watching his every move, or this language would be worse. Over the last year I feel like he has moved into another stage with the alcoholism. He has lost about 30 lbs, dropped 2 waist sizes in his pants, and has started drinking the 12-18 beers/day. He keeps telling me he is dying. My big question is could this be the start of the end stage of alcoholism? What else should I be looking for. I know most people would say well he needs to quit and seek help. I talk to him almost every day about quitting and he agrees that he does want to. He refuses to seek help!!
What can I do? Do I need to start preparing myself and my daughter for his death? Could he last a few more years????


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Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing this blog. Both of my parents are in their 70s and alcohol took over their lives several years ago. I suppose my dad has been an alcoholic for about 20 years but was "functional" until about 2 years ago. He is worse than her but she is not too far behind. The biggest thing I have been dealing with after two years of hoping, begging, pleading - getting my hopes up only to be let down again - is learning to accept that this is what they have become. It's such a shame. I am at the stage of preparing for the worst. It is like a freight train approaching. I am an only child and I am preparing for what I will do to care for them and keep my life intact. I am married and my husband and I run a small business together. I am working through the guilt of knowing that I will have to set my boundaries and beyond that, my parents have made their choices....it makes me sad and has taken over my daily thoughts and hopes.

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Anonymous said...

I agree with January 2013
Everything but the effects and how to deal with Alcohoism is covered all over the media.
Why aren't the lives of Alcoholics as important as someone with AIDS or someone with a drug addiction

Anonymous said...

I am someone who believes I am close if not an end stage alcoholic. I am 54 years old, drank heavily from 19-29, quit for 10 years then drank heavily the last 14 years. I have been trying to quit for 2 years now, gone threw 3 outpatient detox programs, 1 intensive outpatient, and still drinking. I go to AA, and try to drink the Cool Aide someone once told me, but to keep coming back. I have tried for 2 years, and keep relapsing. I'm sorry, this is a disease, and wanting to quit and quitting are two different things. When you quit you think about it and once you take a drink you cannot stop. So from a true alcoholic, there is no choice but to surrender and quit completely, no in between. You cannot drink here and there or try to control it, it is all or nothing. I call this a TRUE ALCOHOLIC. If you can, you are likely not an alcoholic but an heavy drinker, just my opinion. But TRUE ALCOHOLICS must cease drinking completely, which is the challenge. AA offers one solution which is too long to discuss here, but it is healthy living. Non AA options work too. But somewhere, somehow, one has to learn to live life without alcohol, and all of it's challenges. What ever way works for you, do it, but quit drinking.

Anonymous said...

Hi Linda.
Thanks for this blog. My Mom is end-stage but has "been sober for 13 years". She is about 95lbs on a good day, and has been in the hospital for a month now following a surgery that removed half of her stomach and duodenum due to massive ulcers. 4 days into the hospital and she was place on the Ciwa protocol due to symptoms of withdrawal. Sure enough, the Ativan eased the symptoms. She is in complete denial; has been seeking Drs for the last few years to "fix" her, but has no clue what's caused all of her ailments. I guess what has helped me in reading your blog is that for so long I keep thinking I must be crazy just because I know that she's still an addict though she won't admit it. Her mental capacity is sickening. She is very foggy even on a good day; she is a LOT slower than she ever was before. I am still so angry, but I know now that I will never get the closure (at least from her) that I so desire. Thanks for this blog. ~Amy

Kelley Flint said...

Hello Linda. I am 42 years old. My mother is 62 years old. She is an alcoholic. She has been drinking for well over 40+ years. She is now at the end stage of the disease. She drank beer for most of her life and still does but also added in the cheap whiskey almost 2 years ago. I can't tell you how many times I begged her to get help and stop. I'm a nurse, I have witnessed the death part of this disease. My mom tried to get help a year ago but was too far gone. Nursing staff commented that she looked 80 instead of 60. She couldn't handle rehab because their program required her to exercise, be awake at 6 am and be able to stay awake without any naps during the day. Right now, she's not eating, taking medicine randomly, still drinking and smoking. She is now unable to work and drive. Drinks from sun uo to sun down, every day and all day. My sister whom is a drug addict is her enabler. My sister has stolen $ from her bank acct. and forged checks multiple times. My sister has my moms car, meanwhile my mom pays for insurance and car payments. My brother and I will NOT buy the booze so this is why my sister is my moms best friend despite my sister stealing over 7 grand from her. My mom won't press charges. Anyways, I go take care of my mom 3x a week. I do her dishes, do the nasty poopy laundry and make sure she's clean. I bought her briefs and a bedpan because she can't make it to the bathroom now. I also make her soup but she eats very little. Recently, I have been finding Tupperware bowls filled with urine and stool at her bedside and underneath her chair in the kitchen where she sits and drinks all day. Like I said, I bought her a bedpan, she won't use it. She's going through the briefs so fast now. She eats very little, 2x a week if that. She can barely walk. She has had c.diff for almost a year because the medicine for c.diff will not work if mixed with alcohol. My mom just sits in her chair, at the kitchen, drinks until she naps and gets up and repeats throughout the day. I'm just wondering how long do you think she has? I have accepted that she is now giving up and doesn't care at all anymore. She's grown to be the most selfish person I've ever known. She's been selfish since I was a young teen. I need support and love from family but they are mad at my mom and sister. They don'tt want to deal with both of them. They are sickened of what my mother and sister have become. I'm kind of alone in this. Sorry so long. I'm just wanting to know if you think she's very close to death? My email is Coldarmygirl@hotmail.com. Thanks for taking the time to read. Anyone can respond to my post! Any words of advice or just a message of support will be greatly appreciated! Thank you, Miss Kelley Flint.

Anonymous said...

I just found this blog. I am in mu early thirties, ever since I can remember my has been a drunk. He gets up in the middle of the night just got another drink. He cannot even make it through the night without a drink. It is safe to say that he drinks 24/7. We (my mother, sister & I) tried to get him to quit. He denies having a drinking problem. He is violent, uses profanity all the time. We are afraid to leave him home alone, we fear for his safety. I am afraid to leave my mother alone with him due to his violent behavior. I don't know what to do to help him. How can I help some one who denies even having a problem?? I don't know what else to do!

Anonymous said...

ALCOHOLICS AND/OR THOSE CARING FOR THEM...
I am a 37 year old daughter of an alcoholic father. I've read all the posts here and agree with almost all of the comments. I'm watching my father in his end-stage now. I've tried to figure out what I can do to help my whole life and have just recently come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do... I realize that I am a "codependent". I've learned this through my research. I want anyone who's writing here to look into that. Many of us are. I suggest reading both Adult Children of Alcoholics and Codependent No More. Both books are incredibly insightful! This is the only help you can provide! Help yourself and stop the cycle!! I've been afraid of alcohol since I was little, but have found that many children of alcoholics take on the same characteristics of the alcoholic. I've learned I'm a super workaholic. I'm charitable to the point of self destruction. I try to council others in almost every way, trying to help others with their problems and have very little awareness of my own. I've blocked those feelings - keeping busy with many other things.
My father has been to the ER on several occasions, twice for "drinking himself to death" but has been recessitated. He's married - to his 5th wife. She and I are about the only 2 that are around to support him any more. He was once an athlete and a great business man, but now, he's completely broke. His assets are in disarray. He has no money for even the simplest of things. He has to have alcohol now... The hospital was giving him 1 - 1 oz shot every 30 minutes (time starts when drink is finished) while he was there. Since he's been home, we've managed to cut that down to about 10oz per day, but somehow he's getting more... Recently, I've come to believe he's drinking Listerine as I've noticed the bottle empty faster than it should and have just noticed that it contains 21.6% alcohol.
This is an absolute terrible position to be in, but I know it is not my fault and there is absolutley nothing I can do. With or without alcohol - he will die. He's suffering. I tried to pay for an independent "sitter" for as long as I could, but have had to stop that service.
He smokes about 2-3 packs of cigarettes per day. His habits alone cost more than $1000 per month and no one can continue to support this, so we're just doing what we can... Nursing homes won't take him - because he is a liability (not to mention he doesn't have insurance). Hospice care comes to the house a couple of times per week, but will not take him to the facility because of liability also... It's possible they will not continue to help him at the house because he can be intolerable and angry. He is definitley verbally abusive to those closest to him and expects us to jump to his every whim - and feel sorry for him because of his condition.
The fact is I do feel sorry for him, but catering to him and giving up on my life has only taken me and my family down with him....
In essence, if anyone hears me.... please, listen.... if you are an alcoholic, know the effects you have on others. If you don't care enough about yourself to stop, please, stop for the sake of those you love.... Know if you don't you can cause yourself a very slow and painful death...
If anyone is caring for an alcholic, reach out! There are others that care and will try to help you. Seek help - whether it's self help or groups or anything... Talk about it. It will help. You are not alone!!! Relieve yourself of this burden and take care of the things you CAN take care of... Don't think you can "fix" everything... Don't think you can "fix" anything...You can only help in baby steps...if at all....You will continue a vicious cycle if you don't take care of you!

Kelley Flint said...

You can email me if you need someone to talk to. Coldarmygirl@hotmail.com.

Kelley Flint said...

Hello. I just recently posted on 6/12. I was asking if anyone knew if they thought my mother was close to the end. As I had thought, she passed away on 6/21. Today was her funeral, tomorrow is the burial. She passed peacefully in ICU surrounded by her family. It was tough watching her die along side of her, holding her hand with my grandfather, her father who is 95 years old. I will write more when I am more stable and not so exhausted.

Kelley Flint said...

I wish others would post. I have been contacted by 4 people now. It's helpful to write and talk. If you're going through what I have or some stories are similar to yours, go ahead and let it out. You can email me if you want. I am extending an invitation to anyone who needs to express. I am not going to judge you or your loved ones.

My heart is healing. My mother pretty much left everything a mess. Nothing was pd for. Burial, funeral, plot, finances, NOTHING. Thank god her father is alive and had $ set aside for her. Now I am struggling with her boyfriend to retrieve items. He just wants me to have clothes and shoes and all the valuable stuff is HIS. My grandmother and grandfather had passed down items to my mom and were kept in his house. Stanley is my moms bf name. Anyways, he too is an alcoholic. He had been abusive to my mother mentally, he never wanted to marry her and treated her like shit. So why would he want her things. My brother and I went to his house to pick up clothes and wanted to try and see if he would let us take other things. I am going to make this story short. He wasn't giving up ANYTHING valuable of my mother's, however, he did let us take my grandparents things. I had my brother keep him occupied while I just TOOK stuff that was my moms and started stuffing garbage bags as quickly as possible. Mostly dishes, collectables, and glassware that is very sentimental and valuable. I got as much as I could that day. I HAD to take over or else he wouldn't give it up. He had given her computer and tv to his brother to sell! He put her dirty dried up crappy bed pan in my trunk. I didn't want to take him to court and go through that. There are still items there and I may have to cut my losses. He was saying rotten and horrible things to us. I hope he will let me in his home again. He had no idea I was stuffing the bags until we had driven off. But it was a big mess! None of this was on paper for us to have her things. There was just so much that needs to be done before a loved one passes. The funeral itself was over $8 grand. I don't know what we would have done without my grandfather. Nobody knows who the beneficiary is. That information is confidential and they will be contacted by mail. Her finances are a mess, my brother and I would take of her bills if we were beneficiaries because IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO! However, my greedy sister said she will NOT help pay anything with her cut as she is not responsible for myoms bills. My mom would want us to be responsible and take care of her debts. My sister doesn't seem to care about that and will blow the money on her drug habits and silly stuff.

Anyone who thinks their loved one is near the end, get this stuff straightened out as much as possible. Meet with family and discuss everything. Make a list of belongings and have them sign it if there is no will. My mother didn't have a will, or anything! It made everything so hard. Family fighting over who's gonna get what and who's keeping this and that. This stuff I mentioned is just a very small part of what I'm dealing with now. There's a lot more but this is enough for now. Please get their affairs in order. You won't believe how greedy family becomes!

I am still extending my offer to everyone who wants to share a story, need someone to listen or just vent to. Please email me - coldarmygirl@hotmail.com.

Thanks for reading. Will write soon. Take care everyone. Thank you to all that have responded as well!

Kelley Flint said...

I wanted to type this before the memory left. I just woke up from a dream. A bad one, sort of. It mostly consisted of going into the future and past. But! How I get there is interesting. I am beamed and teleported by something unknown. It's very weird because I see people sitting down in rows. Members of my family whom are all dead! From Great grandparents to my mother. I never met my GG. All of them had autopsy incisions on their legs, arms, and chest. But they weren't closed so I did see exposed red tissue. I remember greeting them, excited to see them, but I also cried. I saw my mother, she looked about 20 years younger. I think I hugged her. That's about all I can remember. I woke up scared and then sobbed a little as my boyfriend held me. I told him what happened. I had a dream about my mother the previous night as well but don't remember any of it but she was in it. I woke up in tears that night too.

This is real - I talk to her and look up at the sky every night before bed. A few nights ago, I asked her to be in my dreams! I will never forget when I received the phone call from ICU the night she coded and was brought back to life by resuscitation and put on a ventilator. I had a dream, it was dark, eerie, cold and deathly. I felt her dying and slipping away. Then, the phone rang and it was ICU. It gets better! The strange thing is that ALL of these dreams occur at the same time I felt her slipping away. Between 0230-0300, (a.m.). Every single dream that she's been in, happens in that time frame.

I really haven't cried for almost a week. She's been gone for 2 weeks and 3 1/2 days. I haven't been alone to have a good cry. I still don't feel like it's real, that she's gone. I thought I was coping rather very well but perhaps I'm not. I think I'm blocking it out perhaps? Not sure. Or maybe it hasn't hit me yet? I sure do miss her and still think about her often. I hope she still comes in my dreams but I'm going to ask her for it not to be so scary LOL.

Thanks for reading! Thank you to all that have responded and those who will! Anyone that wants to vent, talk or need someone impartial to write to, please email me at Coldarmygirl@hotmail.com. All emails are confidential and will only be read and replied by me!

Glenn Bater said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kelley Flint said...

It makes me feel better to write. Even if nobody reads it is ok with me. I want to reach out to others, let them know they are not alone.

If you're reading these comments, you're probably searching for an answer of some sort. I think this site provides comfort, answers and friendships evolve.

I still don't think I am grieving well. It's been almost 4 weeks since my mother passed. I know people grieve differently and at different times. I am NEVER alone to have time to myself. I need a good cry perhaps. I feel like I owe it to my mother to properly grieve and think about her. I can't do this because my daughter follows me around everywhere! She's 19 and pregnant. She just moved back home. I don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her she's driving me nuts! I need a vacation LOL. Back to the topic, I would love for someone to either respond or type something on this site! If anyone wants to share a grieving experience or any kind of story please do. I like this site a lot and want people to express their feelings. It helps!

Anonymous said...

my mother has been an alcoholic for as long as i can remember. I am 20 years old and don't go a day without thinking about her and her life. She is definitely at the end of her life and her body being able to deal with all the abuse, but i need answers. How long do you think she has to live? I did not think she would see past my high school graduation (which she did not attend because of her addiction), but here she still is, and I can't bear to watch anymore. How long does she have?

Kelley said...

My mother drank for 45+ years. It's difficult to tell you how long she really has. Can you go into depth of her illness? What health issues is she dealing with? What does she drink and how frequent? I have found when a person seeks the answer of how long their loved one has left to live, the end may be near. What the Dr. say? I can't diagnose or tell you what's to come. I am not a Dr. but I have gone through this and I am a nurse with experience in substance abuse. Feel free to email me or post on here if you want. The author of this site hasn't responded to me or any of my posts. My email is Coldarmygirl@hotmail.com. My name is Kelley. I can try and just do my best to answer any questions you may have. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

desperate said...

I understand completely. My boyfriend drinks heavily and has promised me several times to stop and that he wants a better life for himself. He has been to rehab four times, hospitals many of times for injuries, counseling, interventions, AA...everything. it works for a while and then he returns to drinking. I want to say walk away because their is nothing I can do..he has to do it for himself...but I love and care about him so much I couldn't bare it...even with the way he is now..he's a amazing, beautiful person with horrible demons. I just wish I could show him that. I have felt extremely alone.

desperate said...

My brother in law was addicted to alcohol and drugs. He entered rehab after attempting to commit suicide. I visited him in rehab and he looked better than I had ever seen him. He said he had never felt better and seemed so happy. A week after leaving rehab we received a call from his parents that he had passed away. His heart had stopped from a lethal combination of prescription pills. My heart has been broken ever since. Now I am in a relationship with a wonderful, amazing, beautiful person. He cares for me, loves me and he is my best friend...and a alcoholic. He's been to rehab four times, AA, hospitals for injuries, Jail, Counseling...and yet he returns to drinking. He has been going through periods of binges and falling I'll, coughing, shaking, vomiting very frequently. I don't know what to do. I can't bring myself to leave him..even like this..because he means so much to me. He's like my family. Can someone please help me. I have no idea what to do.

Anonymous said...

Dear Desperate,
I too have been dealing with an alcoholic.
my brother has been in and out of the hospital, detox, rehab.... etc.
being or trying to be a caretaker I only realised it was enabling him in so many ways. His wife left three months ago and really in so many ways I am glad she did because when you cant help someone.. you just have got to do what is best for you in your life even if it means letting them go to either learn from their addiction and mistakes and be a better person or if it means the end of them. Either way its not your fault nor is it your responsibility to put your life on hold to take care of someone with such an addiction.
The three months he was alone he had gone through binges and detox several times in the comfort of his own home. we spoke on such a regular basis that if I didnt hear from him I prepared myself for the worse but had hopeful thinking that he was somewhere safe.
he passed away alone in his home. I found him and I dont wish this upon anyone however a sudden relief and peace has replaced the every day worrying and anxiety that comes with caring so much for someone with an addiction.

Anonymous said...

Although my mother is an alcoholic and has made my growing up as dysfunctional as you can imagine, I am pretty confident that she doesn't wake up every morning trying to plot ways to mess things up. Yes its a disease and it is the most important thing in an alcoholic's life. It ruins everything and sometimes everyone around it. You can't force someone to finally get it together and just stop already. It doesn't work and you can't "fix" that person by sheer will and desire to want it for them. You have to remove yourself from the nightmare and wake up with the desire to get out of their drunken shadow and shine brightly yourself. Its difficult and requires a new way of thinking and at times you will struggle with the guilt. But ask yourself this: who is the star of your movie? you or the alcoholic? Its up to you, your the director of your own movie aren't you? Think about it.

Addiction Intervention said...

The instruction of this blog is really useful things for every addicted on alcoholism.This should be definitely help to recovery from alcoholism to those kind of persons.
Addiction Intervention

Loving daughter said...

My dad is an alcoholic and I am crying as I write this. He means the world to me but I can't try and save him from this anymore. I pray God will take him soon because of the misery this disease of alcohol has caused. I miss my Daddy so much and I can hardly believe what alcohol has done to him. I pray God will give him peace soon. he was such a good man and father. This is so unbearable to watch. Please pray for peace for him and his family.

Anonymous said...

My mother passed away a few months ago. The coroner ruled it was alcohol combined with pill overdose. Reading this...makes me think that maybe it was a good thing she died when she did, so that we didn't have to watch her get to this point.

It's almost impossible for me to bring together the person she became with the way I remember her growing up. I'd cut off contact with her years ago because it was just too painful for me to watch what she was doing to herself but I still wonder if I could have done something....

Swiszlechizzle1 said...

I am an alcoholic and I have drank every single day for the last 9 years, I am only 22. I have thrown up blood several times a week for the last few months, I have bad acid reflux, I drink antacid bottles like water bottles and still don't feel well, and I have no energy to do anything. Every time I try to quit drinking my heart races and I sweat a lot, I feel like I have a fever and I am just exhausted. I will sleep for like 20 hours and still wake up feeling sick. My doctor told me I can't just quit as I drink about a half gallon a day and have been doing that for about 7 years. My advice to anyone who isn't at the point I am, is to quit before your to the point where a doctor is saying you can't quit and it is dangerous. My doctor tells me to take one less shot of liqour per day and keep doing that till i can drink 1 or 2 shots a day and not feel sick, then to quit.....I feel like I am a heroin addict that needs methadone to get off heroin. It ruins your whole life and you turn into someone you dont want to be, I get into fights all the time, I pick fights with people and don't even know why I did it afterwords. I hope that anyone who reads this please, think about your family and the people who care about you. Do not ruin your life like I have. I know this seems like another sob story, but trust me, drinking on the weekends or something is okay. If you drink every day you have a problem and you need to fix it before it gets worse. I have to get xrays of my stomach every few weeks, I have had surgery because I was puking up blood all the time, I am only 22, imagine what can happen by the time your 30.

Swiszlechizzle1 said...

Adding to my last comment my doctor told me he would be surprised if I made it to 25 the way my body was right then. I just want to tell everyone who reads this, GET HELP NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE. By the time I started trying to get help I had already had to have surgery on my stomach two times, and believe me you don't want that, I had to drink only water and only eat like chicken noodle soup broth for 2 months each time. It's the most terrible pain you can imagine in your stomach not being able to eat ANYTHING, I couldn't eat food I had to drink my food. I am only 22 I should have been in college years ago but I couldn't drive my car because I got random pain spasms in my stomach that made me cringe, I would have crashed my car if it happened while I was driving. If any of you have questions you can send an email to illcoupdegraceyou@hotmail.com and I will answer you the best I can, I know that is a weird email but my friend made it for people on the net, to ask me questions, if you also have an alcohol problem. I may give you my phone number and we can talk. I also host AA meetings in my own home, if you live in Michigan I can give you some info on how to come to the meetings. I post on websites constantly trying to convince people to only drink once in a while, not every day.I am in college right now and it is hard for me to not drink, but I finally got down to a low amount( 2 shots of vodka per day) and then I only took one shot a day for a week, then I quit, and ended up in the hospital because I had a seizure. My body couldn't handle having no alcohol. Now I drink once every couple weekends(I only have a few beers) and I feel okay. There is nothing wrong with drinking every once in a while, but every day will destroy your body. Although I am not the best example, I shouldn't be drinking at all. I just want to say listen, if you wont quit, at least slow down and only drink sometimes, not ALL the time.

Swiszlechizzle1 said...

I think a lot of people have more problems when they drink hard alcohol as well, drinking beer does not mess up your body as bad I think. You are better off drinking Budweiser than pounding shots of rum or vodka.

Anonymous said...

Hi
My husband drinks a large bottle of vodka everyday secretly.I married him 5 years ago not aware of his addiction.I discovered his deception 3 years ago.He is not end stage but I can see a marked deterioration in his health and he has had work accident that might be caused by drinking.He comes home drunk from work.
When I first realised he was an alcoholic he gave up as I was horrified and let him know I felt tricked into marrying him.He spent a whole year depressed.
Depressed....drunk what kind of choice is this for my life with him?
I am 53 and have spent almost all of the last 26 years bringing up 3 children on my own.What have I to look forward to? Watching a selfish, liar go through the awfull end stage? I am gutted!

Kelley Flint said...

My mother drank beer every day for 40-45 years. A 6-12 pack of Old Milwaukee every single day and night. She died at 62. I think if she drank liquor every day like that, her life would have been shorter. Either way, alcoholism is deadly. It will eventually ruin your body no matter what form its in. Her liver was bad 20 years ago Dr. said. She had surgery, her spleen was removed, she fell when she was drunk and ruptured it. Dr. looked at her liver back then and said it was "shot". I'm somewhat agreeing with you. I think drinking beer can perhaps prolong your life longer than liquor can BUT it will and does mess up your body just as bad. It just takes longer. You're not "better off" either way.

Kelley Flint said...

Counseling may be the only thing that will save your marriage IF you want it saved. I can't tell you how sorry I am for your situation. He has to quit or he's going to die. You want to know what to look forward to? Read our comments! It's a horrible situation to be in and you're not prepared at all! Lying, stealing, swearing, fighting, anything that's bad will happen! I can't speak for all alcoholics but its what I went through ans it was freakin' AWFUL!!! He needs rehab NOW before its too late. Put your foot down and forbid him to drink. Do something fast!

hope said...

I am here cause I just googled what to do when an alcoholic lives alone. We are at the end stage with my mum. She just fell again tonight, 6th time this year ,one hospitalised.
My dad died 20years ago and I have done cartwheels , back flips you name it to make mum happy(still doing it).I don't know who's lonelier the alcoholic or the carer/family member -enabler!! we have no choice ,no love no end and no one who understands or can help us.. I want to scream until it all goes away. IT HAS CONSUMED HALF OF MY LIFE !! my relationships have suffered as I feel very unloved and rejected(i know its the alcohol talking but there's only so many times before mud sticks) If I had been a bad person and been in jail I would have had more freedom than I have had being chained to this disease.
I am not alone. I hear and feel you pain out there ,god help us all x

Connie said...

This blog was a really good find...certainly gave me a lot more insight...I filed for divorce from my alcoholic husband of 24 yrs a month ago and asked him to leave...he is just like so many of the others on here.....was always a functioning alcoholic, held a job, etc. after 14 years of sobriety, started drinking, and now, 12 years later, is in late stage...he had quit his job, because he didn't feel good, but yet could drive to the liquor store each day for his vodka, then just drink and sleep all day...after he left, I kept waiting for a call from the police that hey found him dead. Since I was still enabling him, I contacted his sister, to let her know, and , even though his family has never been close, she took him in, and she is now doing the enabling. 4 days ago he ended up in ICU..with withdrawal, liver and kidney damage, etc.. Since we are still married, I am in conflict as to how much I should be involved...I am already past the anger, and into the sadness...I call the hospital to check on his status, and they know to call me if it gets more serious, but I feel a lot of guilt as to the timing of my filing for divorce..it was something I have pondered for the last few years, but as I also knew I would have to file for bankruptcy in order to keep my house, and maintain with just my income, it took me a while to hit my bottom, and say I have had enough...we also have 2 daughters, young adults, that still live at home, and have been through a lot, and while I can not tell them how they should feel, or what to do, I hope they can get some closure, or peace with their father before he dies

Anonymous said...

I found this blog while trying to find an answer to my husbands condition. He is an end stage alcoholic and I have noticed changes to his body that is not normal. His drinking has caused him to swell really bad especially in his legs and feet. His weight is around 320 lbs. His skin with any little scratch or tiniest scab will bleed like 20 to 30 minutes. His skin has brown patches..not sure what this is. He can't walk too far without a cane or walker. He eats very little. He does drink starting at 8:00 am till about 8:00 pm. and drinks shots of bourbon in between. Eats one meal a day by choice of course, then goes to bed. I really don't know what else to do. Can anyone give me an answer :'(

Kelley Flint said...

What is your question? If he is at end-stage, I don't really know what else you can do. Take him to the Dr. to get the answers? Brown patches sound like liver spots. Soon that one meal a day will be bites of food that most likely have to be encouraged to eat. How long has he been drinking? When he starts falling frequently, that's a sign that maybe the end is near. Alcoholics lose muscle mass which make them very weak. I would make him see a Dr. and hopefully he/she can provide answers. Read these posts/comments and see what is familiar to your husbands situation. I have wrote a lot of comments. Stories are very similar on here. You're not alone!

Joel Nicholus said...

I am a 43 year old man and my mother is 68 years old. She has been drinking heavily for 15 years at least. She drinks Vodka every day and is “end-stage” for sure. Everyone who knows her (family) has said they are surprised she is still alive these last few years. She has congestive heart failure from drinking, pancreatitis, bad edema in her abdomen, wet-brain, she doesn’t “eat” anything except Ensure for the last 6 years and vomits anything else, she has fallen many times and broken her arm and leg at least once, she has crashed her car many times…sometimes bad. She has alienated everyone in her life including me. Her ex husband finally said enough is enough, a few months ago, and will not talk to her anymore. She is utterly alone and I am the only one she has left but I am pretty sure she will die before reconciling with me. I don’t live near her and she “disowned” me a couple of years ago. She inherited plenty of money and can afford to pay people to buy her booze and deliver it so she has an endless supply. She also started taking Vicoden and Valium a few years ago and I know mixing those with the booze is going to accelerate the end that is coming. I do not drink or use drugs (ok, a little pot a few times a week…but that is better than taking xanax IMHO). I have had to protect myself emotionally from all this over the last 10+ years and feel numb about it most of the time so I can function but every now and then I just have a strong feeling of despair and don’t know what to do. I just am waiting for a phone call from the hospital telling me she is about to die from something or that they found her dead in her house. Just wanted to share my story. I am thinking of going to Alanon… but it is really about to end and I think I just need to start accepting that and deal with it. Peace and Love to you all.

Keith S said...

My 73 year old dad is end stage. He has been a life long vodka drinker. Massive amounts daily. We quietly watched this from the sidelines and did nothing and that is the guilt we deal with daily. My dad has always been wealthy, never been abusive or mean, he always provided for his family, worked hard, and he was a doctor and retired at 60. The day he retired he went from being a high functioning, rather successful alcoholic, to just an regular alcoholic. His health immediately began to slip and now, here we are about 13 years later.

Now, he is physically and psychologically disabled. He can't walk without assistance. He falls frequently. He doesn't eat, maybe taking in about 200-300 calories a day - yet, he gains an incredible amount of weight, blowing up almost like a balloon. His skin has become thin and extremely fragile. He bleeds just by looking at him, and it never stops. His ability to think critically and speak is all but gone. He just exists. doing nothing other than sleep all day. He wakes up in the morning and goes straight to his chair and naps all day. Interestingly, he doesn't seem to be capable of drinking the volume that he use to and he never really seems drunk anymore. I think that is partly because he is physically disabled, relying on others, mainly my mom to keep a sort of constant 'trickle' of booze coming. Without a constant intake, he would almost certainly die within a day or so because if he goes more than a few hours without, he begins to shake violently. He basically has all of the symptoms of 'wet brain' (wernicke-korsakoff syndrome). I have no doubt that that would be the diagnosis if given a proper medial evaluation.

My mom seems basically unaware of what the cause of this is -OR- her denial of reality is just as great as his. They, together, think that he is just 'aging faster than most people'. They have never gotten an explanation of what is really going on because his doctors are basically unaware that he is a severe alcoholic. I think his doctor might know what is going on, but see's that there are some major acceptance and denial issues and that trying to change things may be worth attempting. He had an MRI a few years ago to investigate the shaking and tremors and it showed signs of damage, but since the doctor and radiologist had no proper context, they diagnosed him with benign legions on the brain that were do to aging. With the correct context, they would know that it is damage from massive alcohol intake.

I've stopped trying to explain to my mom what is wrong. It seems to fall of deaf ears. I think deep down she know's what is going on, but won't allow herself to acknowledge that she so many opportunities to turn this around pass her by. I do know that she is very sad though. She has a lot of life ahead of her I hope and she is afraid of living it alone. The irony of that is that she is basically already alone and has been for many years, living as a caretaker - a position that she is not actually qualified for. Im sure her guilt is massive because she has to provide him with the exact thing that is killing him. In many ways, I think she is just as sick as he is, being codependent on covering up his addiction and the lifestyle of taking care of a dying person. She also drinks lightly, maybe a glass or two of wine a day and that has always been upsetting to me. I imagine it being like smoking around a person who is dying of smoking related lung cancer.

So that's my story. It's the first time i've told it to anyone. In retrospect, I truly feel that any attempt to get him sober would have failed but-- I wish that we had at least tried. It's a shame because I know he would have loved life, living into his late 90s (like all men in his family) had he been sober.

Thanks

GJD said...
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Joel Nicholus said...

@GJD, I think it is good that you can share how you feel. One thing I would say is that if he was to stop drinking...he would surely return to being somewhat similar to before he started abusing alcohol and reconcile with his children...or try to. The problem with me saying that is that it takes a long time to get sober and even if he really wanted to...the odds of him staying sober are around 5 to 10% and that may be too much for you to go through (watching him get sober and then start the process all over again). I suggest going to Alanon meetings and protecting your emotions/mental health and finances. The stats. say this will not end well. My mom is about to die from alcoholism and the most she has done is detox in the hospital for a week and then come home and start drinking again. It is too late for her now. She drank hard for 15 years. FYI: He will need to detox in a hospital or there is a fairly significant chance he will die during the process.

GJD said...
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Joel Nicholus said...

@GJD...I wish there was something else I could say but I am in the same boat as you and everyone else here and the only real answer is to try and get through it as best you can. I think a lot of people in your situation would eventually just eave the relationship but I have no idea what yours is like and it took so much for me to finally say to myself that I can't have ANY relationship with my mother any longer. I was calling her every day or two for years and visiting when I could and then I just had a realization that it was wreaking so much damage on myself and my mental health that I was going to end up just as bad as she is if I continue to try and save her or even try and help her since she was sucking the life out of me. I have an addictive personality and I have to be very careful to not get sucked in by drugs. I saw myself sinking and decided that I have to save myself and “going down” with her wouldn't accomplish anything. I think many alcoholics are like drowning people...they will pull you down with them if you are not careful when trying to rescue them…and there isn’t much hope in rescuing them anyway. Take care and keep posting here if it helps you. There are so many others in the same boat. You are not alone.

GJD said...
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Joel Nicholus said...

@GJD…I don’t know what state you live in but in California all the assets and money is almost always split 50/50 in a divorce plus alimony to the wife almost all the time too. I am not trying to tell you to just bail on him but it seem like you have little future the way things are. It would be nice if you had a friend or relative close by that you could talk about maybe moving in with until you can find an entry level job so you can share rent and support yourself. Then maybe when you have a plan for this and can at least have food and shelter without his support you can explore getting a divorce. You then have some leverage to say…”if you want me around then you have to go to rehab and AA meetings”. But all this is just speculation on my part and there are a thousand variables involved. I just want to say that you deserve to be happy and have a future for yourself and not feel you have to spend the rest of your life watching him kill himself with alcohol and take his abuse as it all gets worse and worse. Who knows how long this will go? I am glad you have the church for support…have you talked to your pastor about ideas on how to get away from this situation? Might be worth a try. Anyway, I wish the best for you and hope you keep positive and not let him bring you down and destroy your self esteem. The things they say are so hurtful sometimes. Prayer is always a good thing. Take care.

shelly said...


Last month, agbalaxxy@gmail.com cast a spell for me to help my daughter end a bad relationship with an abusive boyfriend. 7 days later, his powers worked. My daughter is home with us, and is taking the necessary steps to move on with her life.Thank you so much Dr Agba

yuthy said...

I am sharing my testimony to everyone that has tried everything possible and had lost hope on how they can get their ex back,i want you all to know that their is a relationship therapist,Therapist Oniha of the WIN EX BACK SPELL that work for me and after 3days of his spell,my girlfriend came beggin for my forgiveness,the spell casting preparation brought my ex girlfriend back to me without any delay, i am really happy now that we are together again and we are living happily with so much love and respect for each other, so i will advise everyone to ask for this same man's help so that you can be happy again and make your dreams and wishes come true just contact Therapist Oniha via his email address winexbackspell@gmail.com and also please make him understand that i am always grateful with his help.

Joel Nicholus said...

I sure hope you are not paying any money for these Voodoo Spells. And what does any of that have to do with end-stage alcoholism? Why would anyone post this garbage on this message board. Advertising this stuff to people who are experiencing difficult times is not OK. Please stop.

GJD said...
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Joel Nicholus said...

@GJD…I am doing well but nothing has changed with my mother. I am pretty much at the point where I have accepted that she died years ago and that the person she is now is just a shell of who she really is. Kinda sad but true. The good part is that by moving on and not dwelling in a situation that isn’t going to change…I have liberated myself in many ways and am feeling pretty good most of the time. It took many years of trying to “help” her and letting her drain the good energy out of me to be able to build the strength and insight to step away and not feel guilty about it. People just don’t understand what alcohol does to a person and that it isn’t like dealing with a normal person who just drinks too much. I think that most people view it that way. These alcoholic people in our lives are literally brain damaged and in such denial that they will hurt anyone and not even understand what they are doing. It’s hard to hold them responsible since they are so sick that they really don’t fully understand what they are doing. However, I will not let them off the hook in the big picture…they may be sick but they still know that they have taken the easy way out vs. fighting hard to the end. They let the undesirable parts of their personality take over as they drank more and more. So after all is said and done, they have to take full responsibility for what they have done to their life and the lives of those they love. I have seen alcoholics get sober just so they can die with dignity. They knew they only had 6 months to live but wanted to go out sober. I can respect that. I will always feel bad for my mother but not guilty since she made this choice and there is nothing I can do. I’m sure deep down inside she feels guilty that she bailed on everyone who loved her. That alone would make her want to drink more…who could live with that realization without crying all day? Decades of birthday, holidays and even just short phone calls where she said she loved me have been missed or will never happen. That hurts many people and not just the alcoholic. Take care.

HDB said...

I have read this entire blog with tears streaming down my face. I am 51 yrs old, married to and in love with an end stage alcoholic. Most of the time he is so vile and obnoxious that I think I hate him. To have someone you love calling you hideous names and saying cruel things intended to hurt you is soul sucking. I moved out of our home at the end of September as a last ditch attempt to "save" him. It has really had no effect except he seems to have completely given up now. I am heartbroken, scared, lonely and questioning if I have just made things worse. I have attempted twice to get him help. The 1st time he refused to do the UA (urine analysis) required for an assessment. He had agreed to go on a "sober" day. Unfortuneately, by the time I could get an appt. he had started drinking again. My husband has this thing about the "losers" he attended court ordered AA meeting with years ago, before he and I were together. He said it did him absolutely no good sitting around with "uneducated tattooed losers." My husband still has the nerve to put down people who may be less fortunate than him, making remarks like "That's the kind of loser I was in jail with". He has been arrested 4 times since March. 3 times in September alone. I try to tell him that there is one equalizer between he and these people: they all have substance abuse issues and become abusive because of it. He laughs when I tell him he is abusive and says I should move to Pakistan. (inferring that there women truly are being abused) I tell him that just because he hasn't lit me on fire or stoned me yet he is still an abuser. I'm sorry to go on and on. This is the most despair I have ever felt in my life. My husband fluctuates between texting me how wonderful a woman I am to 5 mins. later something vile, followed by "F#*% Off!". I'm confused as to what I should do. The guilt I feel at leaving him alone is killing me. I've tried to be around him since I moved out, but he always ends up being horrible and I leave, thinking I've finally had it with him. As Joel N. said, the alcoholics are sick and not the person they were/are without the alcohol. However, the things he says are SO cruel and hurtful and off base. It seems like he does everything he can to drive me away. Am I making a mistake by giving up on him????? He told me yesterday through tears he wants help and he doesn't want to lose me, but he is still drinking. Today he sent me a text that simply said "F$%& Off". I called him to see if he was still interested in getting help. He said yes, he didn't want to lose me, but ended up the conversation by telling me to go back to Santa Barbara and go back to my ex-husband. He infuriates me, but I don't know if I'm supposed to overlook his hideousness and keep trying to help him. I know if I go over and pick him up he will have some excuse why he can't go to Detox. He is a master manipulator. Is this common?? Again, I apologize for rambling. It's just that I have had no one to talk to about this. I feel like it's a matter of life or death with him. He either gets help now or dies alone in that big empty house. Am I nuts to try to get him in for help again?? Even if he goes to detox, he could come out and start drinking again. I won't live like this. It's NO way to live. It's not even living. If anyone has any advice or suggestions as to what I should do at this point, I would greatly appreciate it. I have felt like I am losing my mind for so long. Now I am just angry and sad/heartbroken all at the same time. The despair I feel is a palpable weight on my chest. I wish all who have blogged here peace in their lives. This is an awful disease that destroys the lives of good people each and every day. Sincerely, HDB

Joel Nicholus said...

@HDB. I think everything you said and are feeling is normal and the only real advice is to try and let your emotions settle down a little bit and then take one issue at a time. For good reason, you sound pretty upset and confused but I can tell you that like many who post here…as time progresses you will start to find your voice and where you deserve to be in life relative to what you have had to cope with. Five years ago I was a mess myself as I failed over and over to have even a small impact on getting my mother to address her drinking no matter how much I spoke to her or tried to influence the situation with logic or persistence. Just try and remember to go with your intuition and what you know is right. Put yourself first since you can’t do anything for anyone if you are all messed up from the consequences (his abuse towards you and having to move out) of his drinking problem. IT IS abuse and you do not deserve to be treated the way he is treating you!!! Yes, he is sick and it is sad but on some level…he chose this for himself. Nobody forced him to keep drinking more and more and nobody is stopping him from getting help. I hate to say this but the statistics show that most of these alcoholics will not get sober and stay sober and they will eventually succumb to the disease and die one way or another. As they say in AA…”Jails, institutions or death”. They will live about 20 years less than they would have if they had not become an alcoholic. I guess my last piece of advice is to try and come to terms with the reality of what is going to happen. Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Maybe he will be that 1 in 10 that gets sober and stays sober before he causes too much damage to his brain? I can tell you that when I realized that my mother was not going to try anymore and was so deep in denial that there was nothing I could ever do or say to change things…I felt OK to let go and stop letting her drinking ruin my life. I haven’t spoken to her in over two years but I am so much happier than when I spoke to her every other day and I don’t feel guilty any more. There are days where I feel despair but that is OK. I don’t think there will be too many of those since she is not going to last too much longer. Take care and post here more often…it will help you feel that you are not alone.

Joel Nicholus said...

Linda, sorry I posted that a few times but I guess you turned on the moderator control and I just thought my computer/internet was bugging out. Please delete the two extra copies. Thanks, Joel

GJD said...
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Anonymous said...

I'm so glad I found this blog it is so hard to find some one to talk to that understands without judging. My father age 62 has been an alcoholic ever since I can remember even at gje age of 5 he would be having me wash down my medicine with beer, if we went anywhere there needed to be room for his cooler full of beer. This continued most of my life while he worked and partied and drank away his life with my mother at night after work or in the weekends. However, things changed and when I was about 10 years old my dad basically started drinking Canadian whiskey and water. His drinking slowly started to effect his work performance and then by the time I was 13 one night when my parents were arguing and my mom kicked him out he fell through the storm wimdown on our porch. He got severely injured and passed out from loss of blood I had to take control of the situation BC my mom was drunk and cut her hand from punching the window. Needless to say I grew up caring for them, myself and my younger sister. Always trying to overcompensate and mostly protect my mom and sister from my dads violet outrages. Now I am 35 and he is 62. My sister moved away 12 years ago I think mostly to truly find herselfand to get away. Me I of coarse stayed longer than I should have, but recently escaped out of state. I feel guilty to leave my mom with him as she is miserable and most days doesn't want to go home however when she does she is smoking and drinking along side him but otherwise still remains functional and eats very healthy. My father recently visited for a week and basically admitted he hasn't showered since June, at the airport he was shaking so bad and looked like he was going yo stroke out from not drinking during the 3 hour flight, he could hardly walk and couldn't carry a thing, he wears the same sweat pants and flannel everyday and days he is always freezing from his blood thinners, he fell twice at my house trying to get up, he hardly eats a thing, the sound of him in the freezer to get ice is enough to make me cringe, he starts at 7am and always had that plastic cup in hand all day, it is embarrassing to say the least. Last night he came out of the bedroom naked to go to the bathroom at 7:45pm while we were all watching TV holding a short in front of his privates, I was mortified but at the same time try to find the humor although there is nothing funny about it; it is a disgusting waste of life and his poor choices had polluted and taken over at times the lives of others. His feet and stomach our swollen, he had swelling under his eyes, he wreaks of booze and even smells up a room from the booze that comes out his ports that can last days, he has broken vessels on his cheeks all while he already has a pace maker/defribulator combo and smokes a pack a day. This is the worst disease and I wonder now if it is a matter of days, weeks, months or years???..

Anonymous said...

My mom is an alcoholic she does not eat been to see her today she was drunk and crying she suffers with depression it breaks my heart to see her i dont no how i can help her to her she does not have a problem

GJD said...
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Anonymous said...

Hello people. Searching for answers on symptoms I have found this web site. I am witnessing my best friend deteriorate before my eyes, not realizing the problem. Now unable to walk, in seizures, paranoia, psychosis, u name it. I don't think she will live ( in ER now). She was the most dynamic person. I knew she was depressed, because her business wasn't good and she was lonely, working late long hours, but us living in different cities I never knew the extent of how deep into alcoholism she was. It is a wake-up call for all of us. Alcohol is a sneaky friend. I should have put all the pieces together - the weight loss, stomach problems, muscle atrophy looking 80 at 50. I am at a loss. What a waste. I should have known, although I don't see that it would have helped. Sorry to ramble. I feel so sad. I think she will die.

Anonymous said...

Thank you all

Anonymous said...

I'm 43 years old now and I try not to cry when my dad calls me at work swearing about my mom. My dad has drank for I guess all my life. My mom for years would tell me she was going to leave him. The emotional circle of hell that they put each other through for 43 years has worn them down to nothing. As a daughter, I am so "sad" ("sad" doesn't even come close) that they have wasted their lives on making something work that never would. My dad has withered away to nothing and my mom has lost her will to "fight" and be strong. It consumes me some days by the overwhelming sadness they have. I think about when my dad passes (I don't want to think about this), how I wished he would have stopped drinking and enjoy life and even had some kind of life. I have off of work today, but I can hardly function. I don't want to be sad anymore in front of my kids. I love them so much. It's impossible to talk to others who have not had to deal with this their entire lives. I know I can't make them "right" but it's so hard to watch this hell they put themselves and each other through. - I am glad I found a place to write my thought.

GJD said...
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Anonymous said...

My oldest sibling, a sister, is 58 and I believe an end stage alcoholic. She was power of attorney for our mom who has alzhiemers type dementia and lives in a skilled nursing facility in Florida. I was alternate power of attorney for mom. Sister lives 10 minutes from mom, I live 1000 miles from mom. Sister was diagnosed with cirrhosis, had several head injury falls in rapid succession, esophageal bleeds, sepsis, distended belly, edema, bloated face, spider-like veins on face, neck and chest, DUI (twice the limit, no contact order (for neighbor who she harassed and almost hit with her car), unemployed with financial problems, and shows up drunk at the facility to take mom to lunch. I, with the support of all other siblings and mom's ex-husband (my dad), asked her to give up power of attorney and let me make decisions for mom so she can concentrate on the life saving measures she needs for herself. She refused and I had to take her to court to try to obtain guardianship. She fought it all the way and her scumbag lawyer caused delay after delay effectively costing me out of my day in court. I had to settle to be co-guardian with her with a 3rd guardian (professional...stranger) taking care of mom's finances. I suspect there was theft and she pressed hard for a different guardian of the property so I would not have access to forensic accounting of mom's accounts. So, long story short, she lied and perjured herself on court documents, employee of assisted living where mom lives perjured herself under oath, and now mom has 3 guardians all of which have lawyer's fees that mom pays, and two (my sister and I) cannot communicate effectively to promote her care. Try communicating with a mean drunk that you just exposed to all involved as to how bad it is! She hates me and the feeling is mutual. She has done a huge disservice to mom and is holding her hostage in her home town. I am told she still reeks of booze when she visits mom, which she rarely does. I am disgusted with the injustice for mom.

rick shabin said...

I left school and joined the Navy at 15.By 17 I was a hard drinker.It was a cultural thing and encouraged in those days.During my drinking career I have smashed up cars and motorbikes, indecently assaulted women,woke up in hospital and police custody several times and had memory losses many times of the night before.I am probably lucky to still be alive.I had to drink about 10 units of alcohol daily just to feel normal and stop the shakes.It occurred to me that I had a problem.The psychological effects were depression and paranoia.I got married at age 30(still am married,) and slowed down my drinking but still had relapses for several years.Now aged 59 I have virtually given up alcohol and no longer have the desire to drink.It's been said that alcoholics are born and not created.This may be true.It all depends on how your body reacts to the stuff.My body has obviously changed for the better.I was lucky.
I now have an ongoing problem with my son who is 27.He regularly drinks and vomits and spends days in bed.Hopefully he will see sense soon and be able to stop the drinking , otherwise he has years of misery ahead of him.

Anonymous said...

My partner, whom I have loved since I was a young girl of 15, is in end stage. I have known it for a while now and it is disheartening to see him destroy himself. He's been an alcoholic since he was 15 and is 45 now. He's been in rehab multiple times when he was younger and refuses to go anymore. As I sit here writing this now he's been out all night once again, which he just started doing a few months ago, and I have no idea if he is in jail, the hospital, dead on the side of the road, or passed out in a bar. I go on with my life each day doing what I need to do for myself and watch him get closer and closer to death. It won't be much longer, I doubt very seriously he will make it to 50. It's a difficult life to live when someone you love is like this.

185ac7d4-512e-11e3-a06c-000bcdcb471e said...

I just lost my boyfriend yesterday from cirrohsis to the liver followed by kidney failure. I feel like my heart and soul has been ripped apart. I can't get out of this couch , I can't stop crying , the scariest part is I don't think I can move on. We were only together for 8 months but were inseparable and did everything thing together . I looked past this evil alcoholic disease cause I fell in love with him . And I too may have a bit of a problem . Wish I could have forced him some how for help even though I'm the one who nursed him and. Convinced to go to hospital but it was too late..

Anonymous said...

I lost the love of life and best friend yesterday morning to cirrohsis to liver and sudden kidney failure . Being that he was a true blown alcoholic at the age of 29 , took me time to convince to seek help. They had told him prior two years he had an inflamed liver. I wish I could have forced him sooner to get help. My last 2 months was in and out of hospital . In his first impatient he came out and was taking drinks behind. Everyone's back . ( even looking like walking dead ; weak , yellow and with swollen belly. Finally when pain was so intense , he stop the alcohol tried dialysis to give him more time . It was too late . Even if I only was with him for 8 months , we fell so deeply in love and were unsepra ble since the day we met . My soul and heart are shattered. I don't know how I can keep on. Everything reminds me of him . He's in my mind every second . His apartment was next building over . I couldn't wait even when he was critical to go and hug him still wishing on miracles . He will. Be cremated soon and want to even see if his family will let me keep his ashes til they bring it back to his country. ( dont know what else to do to still have him physically close ) .. Still wish some how would have taken him sooner and be more strict with him , since I feel at first I. Might have been but of an enabler to his alcoholism .

GJD said...
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GJD said...
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Aussie said...

G'day. I'm an Aussie with a 72yo father who is in end stage alcoholism. His drinking became horrendous about 5 years ago when he stopped working. Living alone, he did the worst damage when he would drink heavily (more than one 750ml bottle of brandy and same of wine per day) for ten to fourteen days straight without eating. When the body doesn't get vitamin B1 (thiamin) the brain damage from alcohol is *very* fast. The first time I saved him from this situation he entered detox and rehab, but went back to drinking straight away. I've got him into hospital at least 15 times, and a few of those he was so bad they detained him for weeks. He never washes himself, wears the same clothes until he soils them, stinks of dried excrement, and rarely eats. The brain damage is severe now. He hasn't gone all the way to Korsakoff's yet, but is damn close. He can create new memories, but only barely. The damage to his frontal lobe has destroyed his executive function (ability to plan, think things through, have insight and motivation etc), and the damage to the back of his brain makes him incredibly unsteady on his feet such that he falls all the time. He lives in a cycle I call the washing machine; he gets brandy and drinks till it runs out, then he enters withdrawal and vomits and loses control of his bladder and bowel (he tells himself and us that he has the flu) and his legs become so weak he falls. During this stage he can fall to the ground having convulsions, and also has alcoholic induced fits. When he's through this detox stage (the spin cycle) he buys more drink and starts the cycle over. The cycle usually lasts about a week.

I've had Guardianship for a while a year and a half back, but pulled very expensive lawyers in to get him home, at which point I was so damaged myself from looking after him that I pulled out. It had taken up so much time from my work and family life, and caused me huge amounts of stress.

So we're now back at the point that he's been in hospital for weeks as it was too dangerous to let him go home, even though he has careers there for about five hours about five times a week. Again he's got his lawyers involved to get him home. You know it's all stuffed up when you have a meeting with your dad's three lawyers and his accountant about his health. Their proposed solution was to send him home, stop him buying booze but instead supply it to him in limited quantities. I couldn't be part of enabling him, and continuing to drive him to brain or physical death (they wanted my support for guardianship hearings). Amazingly he's got a win where he goes home for a fortnight with careers before the hearing for guardianship, ostensibly not drinking alcohol.

So I'm now trying to pull myself out again, as I got hopeful that this time he'd be sent to an aged care home to protect him from further damage, given he's so brain damaged at the moment. But every time I jump in this deep it costs me so much in terms of stress and work and family time.

Trying to get my head around the idea that it's ok to leave a family member behind is really difficult for me. I'm now at the point where I realise it's because I'm not backing myself properly, lifting my own confidence and self esteem so that I don't sacrifice myself for a selfish delusional father. I know I can go to the guardianship hearing and expose the dysfunction he covers up, but am trying to avoid it as it costs me so much to do that, fighting against his 3 lawyers. So I've decided not to offer myself as guardian nor attorney, as I can't afford to fight his lawyers through many levels of courts.

So I've found this forum extremely valuable to help me see the common picture, and improve my resolve to de-couple myself from him and protect myself. Thanks to everyone who has made a post to share their story! I greatly appreciate it.

Anonymous said...

I talked to my mother tonight and my father fell again.. two months ago the ambulance had to come. This time my mom was so embarrassed and couldn't afford to pay another $200 ambulance ride that she called friends to come help get him up as she could not do it. Basically he said he was coming in from outside in MA where it is zero degrees tonight and never came in so she went to check on him and he was laying in the snow unable to get up. She called me upset but I don't even know what to say anymore... she wants hope, she wants me to tell her it will be Ok, she says it has never been thus bad.. but all that could come out of my mouth was really?? It hasn't?? Because for the last 30 years I can remember it has been maybe not the same bad but just as bad. He falls over, had swollen feet & stomach, yellowing eyes and veins on his face. He falls over all the time now, never eats, shakes if he doesn't drink for more than 2 hours.. have other people seen this?? My Mom keeps making excuses saying it is his meds because he is also in high blood pressure meds and blood thinners and has a pace maker/defribulator. I just try to prepare her as the end is near in my opinion ???... frustrated/ confused/sad/hopeless/angry

Anonymous said...

the lack of coagulation is caused by a vitamin k deficiency.

Anonymous said...

My sister who is just 52 years old has been an alcoholic for as long as I remember her. I am 50 years old. She was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver over 6 years ago. Has been a horrible mother to her children and another sister had to get custody of her youngest daughter. She lies and manipulates my 83 year old mother who stands by her side no matter what my sister does. She has been in and out of the hospital, the last time she was there for 2 weeks going through detox having very bad hallucinations and with everything else that her disease has done to her body and mind. She got out our family rallied together got her a place to stay and she started attending AA for the first time in her life. She was never going to drink again. Lies lies more lies...She started drinking again and 2 weeks ago was arrested drunk driving, she hit 4 parked cars and was driving down the side walk...She is in a lot of trouble...She has no money to get her out of the mess. Now it is the holidays and my mom wants her to come to Christmas celebrations. I fluctuate saying she should not come, her daughter does not want her to, but since she is family she should come. It has been about her and her disease for so many years. She is selfish and cares only for herself. Never has she said thank you to my family for always picking her up when she falls literally and figuratively. It is never ending heartache. But she does not care what she has done to anyone. Her 30 year old son said Thanksgiving all he ever wanted was a mother...how sad is that??? My mother thinks we all should once again welcome her back with open arms...when does she get to be the loving and caring one? Why does she get to be a horrible person and never suffer any of the consequences of her actions? I do not think it is only the alcohol. I believe that alcoholics start out self centered and not caring about anyone but themselves as that fuels their need to focus on themselves and drink till death. I can't deal with it anymore. My family suffers the consequences for her actions...I am tired of crying and feeling so utterly sad for my mother and her children. When do they grow up and become responsible for their actions...why is it ok for them to destroy others lives? I don't get it...

Anonymous said...

Hello
Five months ago my husband died of alcoholism. He was 30. I was in such denial that as i watched his eyes turn yellow and chronic fatigue set in, i still denied that he was dying. After all he still went to work every day. Of course that came to an end. Finally when his belly bloated over night and he waa sneezing blood i insisted he go to the doctor. And trust me this was a huge step for him. I had taken him to the doc and treatment several times but this time he must have felt awful because he did quit drinking and i only know this because i was by his side 24/7. But it was too late. On his 90th day of sobriety he died. The damage had been done. I actually sat with him and watched as each of his systems shut down. He was always an amazing person even with booze, he never mistreated me, he was just lost and when he started to figure things out it was too late and heartbreaking.

GJD said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Hello, I just found your blog today, as I suspect my ex husband is in end stage alcoholism. We have been estranged for close to three years, and one of the motivating factors for me to leave was his drinking. When I did leave he was a very heavy drinker: 12 to 20 shots of liquor per night, and the occasional beer and/or wine. Initially he cut down his drinking, but eventually he resumed his previous intake, and it would appear that it has increased.

I got a call from some of our old neighbors, he still resides in the house we shared, they were concerned about his behaviour and appearance. I had heard from family members that his health was declining, but I guess denial kicked in for me, I assumed that they were exaggerating. After the call I decided to check in on him, bear in mind that I had not seen him for over a year. What I found when I got there shocked me in ways that I am unable to articulate. The house was a complete mess. It would appear that he has lost bowel control as evidenced by the state of the bathroom. His appearance was staggering, his stomach was massive, but his face was gaunt. His skin is yellowish green, and his eyes are jaundiced. He didn't move one iota during my stay and kept his arms at his sides. I have heard from the neighbors that he has a constant tremor, and this I believe is why he didn't move in front of me.

I offered to take him to the hospital and to stay with him there for as long as was needed. He declined. I asked him when the last time he saw his doctor was and he responded four or five months ago. His speech was clear, but he was actively drinking, but he couldn't seem to stay on topic...not sure if he was trying to avoid the topic, or if his mind is now wandering.

The saddest thing about all of this is that even now he doesn't want to quit drinking. That paired with a total change in personality, I don't recognize him physically or emotionally. He simply is not the person he once was.

He has lost his job and exhibits symptoms mentioned in previous posts: little to no appetite, frequently vomits, continues hiccups, drinks all night and naps during the day.

I have spoken to his family and they are trying to do what they can for him, but they live out of town so this is difficult. I have distanced myself from the situation as there seems to be little I can do, much the same when we were married. I am getting some flack from people because of this, but I feel as if there is nothing I can contribute and I think my efforts are better used to help my adult children, support them in any way I can.

To those of you that are reprised by friends and family stay strong. I believe alcoholism to b an insidious disease, but there really is nothing you can do if the addict doesn't want to improve. Best of luck to all of you that are suffering from this dilemma.

Kelley Flint said...

Greetings everyone. I decided to check-in once again. I began posting June 2013, about 11 days before my mother died. Reading everyones post is truly heartbreaking. I still continue to suffer with my mom's death in June 2013. I am a child of a parent who was an alcoholic. I just want to say, I never once thought about ending a relationship with my mom when she was alive. It didn't seem to matter to me any pain she caused. I forgave her because this is a disease. I looked passed everything she did that was selfish on her part. She destroyed our family. I knew if I hadn't forgiven her, I would feel horrible for giving up on her. She gave birth to me, she did love me and I felt it in my heart. In my opinion, I don't think it's best to leave a loved one who is suffering from alcoholism. I just always try to remember, this is a disease. It's hard to explain to other family members as they didn't forgive her. She was not herself anymore! A person who is an alcoholic don't mean to be selfish or hurtful. They just can't help it and it's all apart of the disease process. My mother said some horrible things! I know she wouldn't have said them if she was in a right frame of mind. For those of you who are battling whether or not you should leave a loved one behind, think long and hard about your decision. Once they are gone, you can't go back and change things. I limited myself and just helped her with things that she couldn't do. I made her bed, changed sheets, did laundry, dishes, cooked a hot meal etc.... Little things like that made ME feel better. I didn't give up but I knew it was almost the end. I was there for her whether she appreciated it or not. It wasn't about her being thankful, it was about helping her be comfortable and have some dignity. She knew I was there because I loved her. That means a lot to me. She was dying. Whether she chose that life or not, I'm her daughter and I know she never wanted that life. I am so glad that I forgave her and was there by her side when she passed. I know I would never want to be alone during the time of death for me. I am having a hard time still because I miss my mom. Times were not ALL bad and that's something you have to remember. She was not the best mom or the worst, but she was mine. I'm just making this a point to everyone, alcoholism is a disease!!!

coping said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
coping said...

Good morning all...posting under a new name of coping. I couldnt take the chance of him somehow stumbling on my posts....it wouldnt turn out very well for me!
Things are still the same....imagine they always will be. Peace and love to all of you....stay strong!

laura said...

I have come across this tonight trying to find answers to my husband's alcoholism. We have been married for 24 years and I feel I have failed him by deciding not to allow him to come home to live with me and his son after a suicide attempt that has left him blind and physically disfigured and he still doesn't think he has a problem with alcohol. The VA has assisted in alot of his care and tried to force me to take him home and be responsible for him but I had to decide for myself and my son that the best thing for me is to file for divorce. Now he is back in the hospital again, went thru VA version of detox and his mom is calling me and i feel like i am supposed to figure this crap out because no one else can? He is faced with being kicked out of an assisted living facility because of his behavior and drinking since day one. No one can make him do anything that he should do and he does everything else that he shouldn't do. He is going to end up homeless. I cannot bring him into my home and deal with him. His mom cannot do it either. i just don't know what is going to happen to him and i am so scared for him. I don't know what I am going to do if he dies from this. they say he had a heart attack this last go round. it is just so heartwrenching and all that we seem to be doing is putting off the inevitable. He wants to kill himself with alcohol. i am glad I found this tonight so I can write my concerns with others who can understand the dilemma.

Anonymous said...

My husband just retired from military last September, started drinking vodka daily. He mostly hung out at home while I worked, I felt he deserved a break. The first week of January his skin and eyes turned yellow and he dropped 20 pounds not eating. He stopped drinking but 2 weeks later was so weak and shaky and starting to get confused at times. I walked in to find him gasping, blood everywhere from his nose, mouth, ears, and even eyes. He had fallen down the stairs, was declared brain dead, died the next morning. I'm so lost and hurt. I thought alcohol related liver disease was slow and chronic. I found out he had it and 2 weeks later I'm burying him.

Anonymous said...

All of these story's touched me..as I have lived through a lot of the same thing with(my mother) I could write a book on the abuse, violence,dispare, DUI, Jail etc. I had to except and gain control of my own life. I have this saying whenever I think of my mom or anyone else with this disease be it the end stage or start.
I can't save them, but I can love them!

coping said...

To the last 2 posts......I am so sorry for both of you. I've been married to an alcoholic for 40 years. It is a tough life. I think harder for us than them. I've thought for years about what to do.
The only answer is to take care of yourself....because the only way they will stop is to want to do it.
Most of them love the drink more than their family, or anything else..even their own life.
Just please don't blame yourself for their behavior.....it's not your fault. Take care of yourself.
That's the only answer. Take it from someone who's gone through this for 40 years. Peace and love.
Stay strong.

coping said...

Iam just at my wits end. Tell me how someone can drink beer all day every day,and still be alive...and for 30+ years. I am so full of bitterness and loathing for this person, it is just eating me alive.
Just sits on the couch and drinks beer all day...no dinners out, no family functions...nothing fun...just beer runs. Im sick of
making excuses for his behavior. He is a joke to my family...they just snicker at him. Such a bad example for our children and grandson, who are all out of the house, thank God. All vacations were a problem..always had to make room for a full cooler w/beer...even if it meant leaving a suitcase behind. My kids have seen it all. Not to mention years of verbal abuse for all of us! OMG...I need some help for myself, or I will go mad. I am so DONE!

Kelley Flint said...

To: Coping

My mother drank a 6-12 pack everday for over 45 years. She worked until she was 61 and died at the age of 62. I think drinking beer will catch up to him some day. It's a painful process to go through, for everyone. It might not be too late for him to get the help he needs to live longer. Have you tried counseling for yourself? My mom wouldn't go anywhere without a few cans of beer in her purse, even to my nursing graduation. It's sickening! She stopped going anywhere in the last few years she was alive. I had to beg her to even visit her 96 yr. old father in the nursing home. She was so selfish and totally isolated herself from everyone and the outside world. It's hard to say how long your husband will live. Perhaps when he stops eating, completely lost function of his bladder/bowels, falls a lot and makes frequent trips to the ER will give you a clue as to how close he is to death. I think you'll know when you see it happening. Get affairs in order, living will, plot to bury him, a headstone, funeral expenses, a list of what property goes to whom etc.... It may be premature to decide and do those things now but when it happens and these things aren't done, it's a horrible mess to go through with family. Good luck, hang in there.

coping said...

Kelley...I'm so sorry about your mom. I'm sure it was very hard on you.Thank you for posting to me. I feel so alone sometimes, and need someone who knows what I'm going through to connect with. Your story sounds so much like mine, it's all so very sad. I know this problem will come to an end sometime. I just feel I have wasted my whole life on this idiot...and there's no going back.
I'm just so ready for some happy times and a better life. Please stay in touch.

Kelley Flint said...

Hi Coping. I've been writing on this site since June of last year. People are willing to reach out if you need to write or just to connect with someone. I put my email address on here and recieved many responses and made a few friends across the world! If you look back to June, you will see my panic, rage and sadness. A lot of people can relate to you, my stories and others as well. I just want to say, I know there is no going back but you have to move forward and live your life as best as you can. We have only one life! Easier said than done. Hang in there! I've started on an antidepressant and can function somewhat better now. Take care.

Angela Grace said...

Hello Linda

You have no idea how much your blog has helped my mum, dad, sister Alison and me cope with my youngest sister Emma-Jane's current end stage of alcoholic liver disease. We have been so confused as she came out of hospital 3 weeks ago, having been there for 3 weeks with jaundice, malnutrition, hepatitis, cirrhosis, and hypothermia and we had been told to say our good byes to her. She came home and immediately bought alcohol. From what I gather, she is drinking 4 bottles of wine per day and we were told that one or two bottles would kill her. 3 weeks on means in excess of 84 bottles drunk!!! Her legs are painfully thin, she has a huge swelling around her liver, her face is enormous due to the steroids but she is coherent and mobile. We are so confused. My doctor has arranged for me to see a counsellor to prepare me for whats ahead as my parents are elderly and unwell and apparently I am going to need this help. That is the only thing that makes me realise she is on her way out. Her doctor told her in front of Alison and me (as we are now permitted to know her medical details) that there is nothing more that can be done as she has chosen alcohol.

Every day Alison and I read parts of your blog and it helped us to understand that everything we are feeling is normal.

I feel honoured that you have shared such a painful experience with us and can only thank you so much for being bold enough to help others

Much love

Angela

coping said...

Angela....I am so sorry for what you are all going through. My experience with my husband has not gone as far as you with your sister, but I UNDERSTAND. It is so painful and hard to watch someone give their life to alcohol. I have had years of rage, bitterness and anger toward him. We are all so brave on this blog....for having the courage to tell our stories, and reach out to each other. It has been healing to me to hear I am not alone. Peace and love,and stay strong.

Leslie said...

Leslie said...
The Immortal Alchoholic is such a great name for this website. I am an only child..now grown and 47 years old..my mom has been an alcoholic my entire life. She has drank bourbon or vodka most every day of her life. She retired about 15 years ago..at this point you could no longer refer to her as a "functioning alcoholic." She would drink most of her days away sitting in the same living room chair. She never went to the doctor until about 8 years ago when she fell in the parking lot outside of her aparatment and broke some bones. She went to detox and rehab for 2 weeks and stayed sober for almost a year. About 4 years ago, she didn't answer the phone or door and I had to have the police check on her since I couldn't get into the house. She went into rehab/detox again..sort of against her will this time. She came immediately out to buy a bottle of vodka. I pretty much had left her to her own devices after this...I would even go to the liquor store and buy her vodka for her. Last year she started having terrible back pain 10/2013...went to doctor..said her vertebrae was fractured (from osteoporosis)..she had neuroplasty surgery...came home and got hooked on hydrocodone..I have to say she was smart enough not to drink while taking pain medication...but fell again...fractured another vertebrae 11/2013...had another surgery to fix...came home still using hydrocodone...fell twice...let her move in with me because I was worried about her falling....after Christmas, she said medicine was making her nautious so she wasn't eating very good..complained of terrible stomach pains...took to ER....they kept her for several days for malnutrition..was in ICU for 3 days ..almost died..made sure she went to rehab for 3 weeks for physical therapy...she did great...came home did fine for a weeks getting around...last weekend drank a half a gallon of vodka in 3 days...my boyfriend had to make sure she got to her bedroom without falling. She is 75 years old... equilibrium is off any way at that age...much less with a half a gallon vodka...she only weighs about 105 now where she used to weigh 135. How much more do I have to take? I love my mom but cannot stand the insanity of her not caring for herself....I was actually looking up life expectancy of an alcoholic when I came across this website. She also smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. In the hospital they said there was nothing wrong with her kidneys, stomach...basically in good health at 75 if she would just eat and quit drinking!!! She has been drinking hard liquor for most of my life...for as long as I can remember...."immortal alcoholic" is definately the term for her. I hate to think about having to watch her follow this slow path of self-destruction. Thank you for all of the comments on this blog....it really helps knowing I am not the only one struggling with these feelings. I especially liked the comments from one blogger...you are the star of your own movie! I choose to save myself and star in my own movie!

Anonymous said...

I've just been reading your blog, its really good to know that there are other people out there who are coping with this too. My Mum is an alcoholic, the longest she remained sober was 5 years after becoming hospitalised with stomach ulcers, blood poisoning, cirosus of liver etc etc etc. We got told that she only had 2 days to live max but she beat it and after 6 weeks in hospital was discharged. 5 years later, she hit the drink again to become hospitalised, again we were told to expect the worst, but yet again she made it. She remained sober only for a few months and now she is at home drinking, halucinating, talking about the past and is in a clear state of depression. She refuses to go to hospital again, she has ballooned up, is in very ill health too. My Dad has just given up, my brothers are fed up and im really angry. She has a loving family and wants for nothing but always has an excuse for drinking by blaming stupid things. I'm getting married in 4 months time, everything that I need her for she is not there, admitted defeat and wants to die. i'm so angry and upset at the same time. What can I do??

Kelley Flint said...

Hi Leslie. I feel your heartache and pain. I too felt "Immortal Alcoholic" was the perfect way to describe my mother. Honestly, I am surprised your mom has lived this long. My mother too has drank ever since I can remember. She went to detox as well but it was too late. Hospitalization never made her change mind about drinking. One time she fell, punctured her spleen and almost died because she didn't seek medical help. My mom drank beer most of her life and then went to hard liquor for the last few years of her life. She would'nt go anywhere without having beer in her purse or buy it and have it at hand. There was nothing I could say or do to make her stop. It was totally up to her. She had a loving family as well but she didn't seem to care how we felt. My sister was her enabler and manipulated my mother into doing things unimaginable because my sister was an addict herself. I tried my best to help my mom as much as I could but the drinking never stopped. Our family is heartbroken over her death and what my sister has done. My sister did a lot of damage to our family and we cannot forgive her or forget. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know defeat is the worse feeling you can have as well as the alcoholic. My mother became so selfish and just didn't care about anyone but herself and it broke my heart. She missed out on a lot of great opportunities with her grandchildren. As much as it breaks my heart for her selfishness, I still love her and have forgiven her for everything she has done and hasn't done. I feel cheated on having a special relationship with her, I lost my mom last June, 2013. Stay strong and I wish you the best. It becomes very ugly in the end stage part of this disease. Take care and just know, you're not alone and support is here for you.

Anonymous said...

This is an update to an earlier post a few months ago. My end-stage alcoholic sister who I had to share guardianship with over my incapacitated Mother with dementia has finally blown it enough, public enough, to be removed from guardianship! When I tried to remove her from being the acting agent under Mom's Power of Atty document, so I could act as successor, she fought me tooth and nail to remain a part of the decision making for Mom. I can only imagine this defiant and selfish act was to save face and prevent me from having access to forensic accounting which will, without doubt, show theft on her part. Can you imagine a falling down drunk, unaware of time and space making decisions for an incapacitated person? It has been a nightmare dealing with her, as if seeing Mom succumb to this illness isn't hard enough. That a lawyer would take her as a client and accept Mom's money to pay for it at the same time, should be criminal. Just unbelievable. She stole from her helpless mother while she was poa, then dragged out a guardianship case that cost Mom more money ($80,000 and counting). Selfishness at it's worst!

lapis said...

One program that I have found helpful is called SMART recovery. It's been around since 1994. It stands for Self Management And Recovery Training. It is based on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), one of the first forms of CBT. It takes the view that "alcoholism" is less a disease (though it certainly causes disease) and more a poor choice and bad habit. SMART recognizes that it may not help everyone. It is based on science and the latest knowledge of addiction. It can be used on its own or in addition to other programs like 12 step programs such as AA or various rehab programs. Might be worth taking a look at. It can also help with other life issues that are often tied up in the alcohol abuse.

Kelley Flint said...

Anonymous - I have a selfish sister too. She stole thousands of dollars from my mother when she was alive. Here's just a bit of what my sister has done. My sister wanted to take care of my mother, but who knew she was helping her only to steal and enable her. After my moms death, the first thing my sister did was start to claim everything. She wanted this and that and everything! My sister did the imaginable. She manipulated my mother into signing over her life insurance policy over to her as a beneficiary. My son was the beneficiary and it changed without anyone knowing as my sister brought the paperwork to the hospital. My mom wanted my son to have it, her first grandchild. Anyways, after my moms death, we all made a deal that whomever got the insurance check (because we weren't positive if my son was gonna get it) me, my brother and sister would split it 3 ways AND buy my mother a nice headstone. Keep in my mind, my sister knew who was gonna get it, her. On Christmas, my daughter told me that my sister spent the whole check and didn't tell anyone. My brother and I were so angry! Not only did she not say anything, but she didn't buy a headstone! My daughter thought my sister was going to tell us and wanted to believe my sister was a good person and kept waiting for her to tell us. My sister confided in my daughter and put her right in the middle. That's just a small portion of what my sister has done. I cannot forgive myy sister for not getting the headstone. I do care about the money that was supposed to go to my son but my heart was crushed because my mom has no headstone. My brother and I are saving up so we can get her a nice one. Greed is what tears families apart. I feel your pain! I am glad you found out everything now as much as it hurts and stings. I'm sure in days to come you're gonna find out more horrifying things that your sister has done. It never stops.

Kelley Flint said...

Coping- How are you doing? Just checking in to see if you're ok. I hope all is well and you're taking care of yourself.

coping said...

Hi Kelley...thanks so much for checking on me....you don't know how much that means, since I really have no one else to talk to about my husband's drinking. Family and friends have pretty much accepted it...but in the end, I'm the one who takes the brunt of his crap since I have to live w/the jerk! He's gone through two 30 packs, and a 24 pack of beer in one week. Is that not insane!!

I'm sorry about your selfish sister. I hope your mom gets a
headstone soon. I know that breaks your heart. Why are families so complicated....life could be so easy if everyone just
got along...and w/out alcohol!!
I'm still "coping" every day...hanging in there. Keep in touch...you feel like family.
Peace and love and stay strong.

Kelley Flint said...

Hi coping. Yvw but no need for thanks! We are all struggling and this feels like some type of "support group". You can always leave me messages, ask for advice, anything at all. I wonder too why families are so complicated. But as they say, "Life is not easy". Thank you for opening up, sharing your thoughts and for making me feel I have a friend here. When I first saw these stories, I immediately felt support, knew I wasn't alone and came here to express my insanity lol. Keep your head up despite your husbands actions. It's so hard to do when he probably drives you bonkers. Take care and write when you need us!

Kelley Flint said...

I'm missing my mom so much. After dealing with her death, our family has been torn apart due to my sisters addiction and greed. It's a never ending cycle of pain. I wish she would get help. She's so lost, she once was my idol. We don't even talk now. She's so messed up in the head. She has no idea what kind of person she has become. Her way of thinking is so bizarre and outrageous. I feel so bad for her kids, they know she's a terrible and greedy mother. I hope one day I can forgive her, I know my mother would want that but I just can't. It's almost 6 in the morning here and I'm just thinking of how much has happened in a year's time. I don't want to see my sister in a casket too. I miss my mom so much, why couldn't she just stop drinking? Damn she was so selfish and I forgave her, now my sister is heading down that very same path but my sister is much more in need of a mental health evaluation. I'm just rambling on, sometimes I just need to write.

coping said...

Hi Kelley...my son was heading down the alcohol path too....just like his dad(my husband). My son hit bottom, legal troubles, health problems, etc. He finally saw the lite...went to AA , found a nice girl, quit the booze. He turned his life around...there was no where else to go. I believe your sister will hit bottom, and hopefully snap out of it ...for her kids maybe.

I think an alcoholic will never get help, unless they hit rock bottom. I never thought my son would straighten out...not after watching his dad drink every day of his life....of course he would do the same. If my son did it...your sister can. She probably learned her behavior from your mom.

I know your hurting...I've been there done that. Just try to take care of yourself and maybe stay close to your sister's kids....they are probably suffering too. Take care and write when you need to....we're just a mouse click away. Peace and love, stay strong.

Anonymous said...

My husband, who had never been a husband since the day we married, urinates in the bed about 3 times a week.

If I mention the incident he screams and yells! Since he washes the sheets and blankets I can only assume he thinks it's none of my business.

This guy is scary so I don't say much at all.

symtoms
Urinates in bed.

Urinates in clothing without realizing it.

Leaves restaurants in the middle of meals.

Does not remember or chooses not to remember what happened the night before.

Praying does not help!

coping said...

Dear anonymous...keep praying....it' s really my only way to keep going.

Your story is mine. My husband never has cared about anything but the drink....was not a good father or husband. He is so mean and nasty at night, I usually have to go into another room. The next morning he gets up like nothing happened the night before....and then starts to drink again just like the day before. He drove our children out, and now they are grown and gone...he is trying to make a relationship w/them. Our son wanted out so bad...he joined the army and went to combat...
pretty sad. We've had so many ruined meals, vacations,verbal abuse, screaming matches and on and on. It's hard for the kids to forget.

It's a hard life.....take care of you...that's most important. We're
always here if you need to talk...this is a lifeline for me.
Take care, stay strong.

Georgi Larosa said...

Im married to a 61 year old and I'm 49. We have been married for 24 years and hes drank beer ever since we met. He hasnt seen a dr since we been together. We argue we fight. Its always the same thing. He swears I dont tell him things. But I tell him things all the time. He never remembets any conversations we have. I cry daily about his drinking. Hes retired and home all the time. I work fulltime and hate coming home. Never know what kind of mood he is in or ig hes drunk. He hides his beer you ask him how many he drank iys always yhe same answer just 2. I want to be happy I want us to be happu together bit he wont gey help and says he doesn't hurt anyone. Hes mean hes vulgar and would like to know is this voming close to the end. He cant remember daily conversations he lives in the past

Kelley Flint said...

Hi Georgi.
It's hard to say. Has he lost bladder/bowel function? Can he walk without help? Does he fall down a lot? Does he eat at all? Besides having a bad memory and being mean, what physical symptoms does he have? Does he sit in one favorite spot to drink, pee/poop in the same spot, go to bed and then up again in a few hours and repeat the cycle? Only a Dr. can diagnose a timeline but even that isn't always right.

My mom drank beer for 45+ years every single day except the times when she was in the hospital. My mother died last year at the age of 62. My mom too lived in the past sort of. I knew my mother didn't have long to live due to her appetite being non-existent and her year long disease of c-diff. She had no muscle mass. She developed c-diff from antibiotics. She wouldn't stop drinking and take the medicine as directed so that's why she just deteriorated so quickly in a month. Good luck, take care of yourself!

Kelley Flint said...

Hi coping. I responded to your last message but it didn't make it to this board. Thanks for your kindness.

I was wondering how long your son was in the destructive path of alcohol?

My sister has been an addict of opiates since 1997 apx. She hits rock bottom but pulls herself out. She's even been to jail. Her thought process is SO bad. She's so greedy! Her kids haven't had Christmas at their home in over 7 years, makes me sick. She's got bed bugs/flea problem. She still stays in the home with the kids, it's so disgusting. I gave up on her after what she did to us this last time. She is way beyond help on her own. I don't think even rehab can help her brain, drugs maybe. She doesn't think that she has a problem still after all of these years! She needs church, rehab and to get away from her monster boyfriend. If she went for help, I would support and forgive her.

Anonymous said...

I am a 48 year old man and have been an alcoholic for 26 years. I have currently been sober for 2 months, but this is not my first time sobering up by any means. I drank up to 750ml of vodka daily, spreading it over a 24 hour period. I have not come to the stage of not eating, soiling myself, eschewing hygiene, losing my job, getting DUI's or anything like that. I do have high blood pressure, but that is prominent even among the non-drinkers in my family. Drinking certainly does NOT help it. I am divorced - about 3 1/2 years now - but alcohol was not a factor. I hid it. A woman I am currently involved with found my hidden bottles a few times. She said the most frustrating part is that she feels so stupid for not being able to tell I was drinking. If I had put as much energy and effort into a career as I have in the myriad ways I've devised to conceal my drinking habit I'd be a millionaire by now.

Reading the things I'm reading here are very disturbing and do help strengthen my resolve to stay sober. I have an uncle who was an alcoholic for many years. He quit and is now in his mid 80's and healthy as a horse. He's been off the booze for about 40 years. It CAN be done. Statistics show that roughly 60% of addicts do quit on their own because it simply no longer fits their lives. This blog is an indication that, for those who haven't stayed sober, the outcomes are devastating, for the addicts and their loved ones. I am bookmarking this blog because it really does help me to read of the experiences of others. Though most comments are from the loved ones of alcoholics, considering that I have 2 young daughters, it is important to know how my addiction has affected them, and how much better my relationship with them can be if I remain vigilant in my sobriety.

coping said...

Kelley....answering your question.
My son had so much legal stuff going on, he had to quit, or spend some serious time in jail. He wound up in the hosp. after a serious accident. It was either get sober and stay that way, or have your life ruined forever. All this took place over 6 or 7 years. Now he never touches the stuff....lives away from his father who was his worst influence. He met a nice girl who really helped too. There is hope for your sister...I pray it will come.

coping said...

Anonymous...congrats on the 2 months sobriety! Keep it up. Don't let your daughters have memories of an alcoholic parent....it is so hard on kids. I saw it first hand w/my kids and their father. Keep fighting..
we're pulling for you!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement, coping. In reading your story, I see I am pretty much the opposite of your husband in that I always hid my addiction and tried to maintain the role of good father, husband, employee, etc. I didn't always feel my best, but tried to play the part nonetheless. I wanted it both ways. Once hooked on alcohol, or any other drug, often a lot a of it come down to avoiding withdrawal, which can be tremendously agonizing at best, deadly at worst. Fortunately, for me (I guess), it was just tremendously agonizing! I'm told each time an addict goes through detox and returns to his/her drug of choice, withdrawal symptoms get worse. I don't want to find out. I'm currently on Antabuse, by choice, as an added assurance that I don't make a rash decision, as I usually did before, and rush out to the liquor store. Antabuse takes up to 2 weeks to leave your system and will make the user terribly ill if he/she drinks before it's out of the system.

coping said...

You are right anonymous....my story is so different than yours. My husband openly drank every day since I've known him.....never tried to hide any of it. He didn't care who knew, as he cared more for the drink than anything else in his life. Such a poor example to his children and grandson. I'm sure it's much harder work for you to drink and cover it up. What a chore to live that way. Again...kudos to you for trying to change. I hope the Antabuse works for you. Peace to you, and stay strong.....we're always here to listen and for support to each other.

Anonymous said...

I lost my husband of almost thirty years in January. He died alone, and I still don't have the official cause of death, but it was untreated alcoholism. He drank three or four bottles of wine a night, had bleeding varices, fell constantly, and towards the end was making excuses not to go to work because he wasn't able to function. I moved out two years ago and have been able to regain some semblance of sanity with Al-Anon but I will always regret not being able to convince him to get help. I wish I had seen this blog years ago. He was intelligent, loving, funny, handsome, and the love of my life, but he couldn't stop drinking.

Diane Tells His Name said...

I am so grateful to have found your blog. This finally puts a "name" to what happened with my beloved sister 2-1/2 years ago. I was the last one in the family to try to keep helping her, but I didn't know that "end-stage" was what was happening to her. Now I can finish the last page in the journal I started about her after her death, trying to make sense of the senseless. Thank you.

Linda (The Immortal Alcholic's Wife) said...

Kelley Flint -- Please contact me at immortalalcoholic@gmail.com. Thanks. And thank you for being so supportive of the readers who ask questions in this forum.

Linda

Kelley Flint said...

Hi Linda! Ty and Yvw. I just sent you an email. Happy Easter to everyone!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous - So sorry for your loss. I hope I can ease your mind some. Convincing an alcoholic is almost impossible. It's not your fault. This is a terrible disease that takes over every organ including the brain. An alcoholic's thought process is just not normal, they cannot make good decisions sometimes. I hope you continue to move forward and again, so sorry for your loss.

Kelley Flint said...

Diane - I am so glad you found this site! I'm happy you can finish your journal. I thought about writing in one as well but didn't know quite where to begin. I hope you can find comfort in knowing your sister is no longer suffering, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Kelley Flint said...

Linda - I have responded to your email. I hope you got it. Some of my posts are not making it to this forum.

Kelley Flint said...

Hello fellow readers!

Even though I no longer have to witness alcoholism with my mother, I'm still affected by her death from the disease. She's been gone for 10 months and I wish I knew why she started to drink in the first place. What was the reason? Was there even a reason to make her want to drink like that? What happened?

I'm curious to know from anyone who has written here (that is an alcoholic) if something bad happened to you or what prompted you to start drinking heavily? I'd love to hear your story!

coping said...

Hi Kelley and Happy Easter to all. I also would like to know why people ruin their lives w/alcohol. I have asked my husband ,that is when I can have a reasonable conversation w/him, and that is not often. He told me "to get thru the day". How vague is that???? How stupid is that!!! He was ok over the Easter weekend, but boy did he make up for it last nite!He told me I was an idiot , among other things, and to get upstairs.
He continues to call my daughters boyfriend by the wrong name...just to be rude, and laughs about it..
you can see why our kids wanted out. God Bless them that they broke free of this!

Kelley Flint said...

Hi coping. I'm sorry he calls you names. I wouldn't know what to do if that was me in your shoes. I do know now that I will not ever become involved with a man who drinks alcohol like a fish. I have asked my mother why she started drinking, but her response was always made into a joke. I know my father worked long hours when we were very young and she was left alone a lot and they divorced. I think she may have cheated on him. But I'm not sure if that's what really started everything. My dad and I talk, but were not close, he remarried and has another family. I'd like to talk to him someday about her and see if I can get some answers. My grandfather was an alcoholic for many years but quit. He must have quit before he did some serious damage because he is going to be 97 this year! I believe that addiction is hereditary in our family. I wish we could break through this vicious cycle. Stay strong, I'm always here for you coping. You can vent here at least. Writing helps me some. My brother doesn't like to talk about my mom due to his own guilt. I wish he would open up and read these posts.

fanofthescreen said...

My cirrhotic, alcoholic, active drinking sister called my dad on father's day (no less) to tell him she drinks because he moved the family a lot while she was young. She had to change schools frequently and never forged friendships. Bull. Each move was for career advancement and they stopped when she was in junior high. Having a child at age 19 wasn't enough to pull her life together for her child? Her life always revolved around partying. Now she's dying of cirrhosis and her 38 year old daughter, who lives with her, is also an alcoholic and has had bouts of pancreatitis. Boo hoo..dad moved us a lot, but she partied through her career as mother!

Kelley Flint said...

Hi fanofthescreen - My daughter moved a lot between her father and I. She moved 8 times in 5 years. She is now a mother and doesn't drink or make up excuses like that. She complained about it don't get me wrong! I have a good idea why my sister started her opiate and alcohol abuse. She's had a rough life and never seeked counseling. She's had multiple miscarriages, molested when she was 6 and raped at 18. Beaten, stolen from by her boyfriend whom she still lives with. She just won't leave him and get help for herself. She has no restraint on life and her thought process is terribly compromised. She is still in denial. She used to be idol.

coping said...

Kelley and all readers....just my opinion here. I do believe alcoholism is hereditary. It all comes down to whether you have the strength to fight off the urge to
drink. My son saw his father drink every day of his life, and he too was headed down that road. He had it in his genes. But, he chose to fight it...went to AA, found a nice girl, moved away from his worst influence, his father. Today he is doing well...doesn't drink at all. My daughter never has drank. I do believe strength and faith help keep alcohol out of the lives of those who have a predisposition to it. There's hope for all if they want it!