Sunday, November 13, 2011
Let's talk sex...
I never understood the story of the birds and bees. If a bird and a bee get it on and they have a baby is it called a biree? I never quite got the connection. I never believed babies were cultivated in cabbage patches either. If that were true, why isn’t their head all leafy and green? And I’ve never seen a stork flying through the air with a baby in its beak. Is the beak even strong enough to hold a baby? I don’t think so.
I’m not really talking about babies. I’m talking about the process of making a baby – it all starts with having sex. The majority of the time the sexual act has nothing at all to do with creating a baby. It’s about pleasure. It feels good. Sometimes it’s a purely physical thing and other times it’s an emotional communication of the depth of our affection for another. Unfortunately, I think, that when being sexual with an alcoholic, sex is more physical and not so much emotional. In my opinion, sex with an alcoholic cannot be an expression of anything other than the purely physical satisfaction of an organism or ejaculation.
Charming, baffling and powerful… I remember hearing those words over and over again when I was attending my very first family rehab groups. Riley was so very charming. He always knew just the right words to make me feel that everything would be just fine. He also knew what to say and do to get his best friends wife to fall in love with him. Simple affairs were never his forte – he had full blown out lovesick relationships. He was soooo charming that he was able to do that with several women at a time, including his wife. He was a master womanizer.
To his credit, he was darned good in bed. He knew how to make love even when he was just having sex. I was never surprised to hear that some woman was in love with my husband and there were many. For women, when a man takes his time and is fully attentive, gentle and considerate – it stops being “just sex” and turns into a loving communication. He never has to say the words “I love you.” His actions are loud and clear.
That was then, this is now. Riley wants a girl friend. He wants me to help him get a girl friend. The truth is he doesn’t really want a “girl friend.” He wants a sex partner. When I ask him what he brings to the table to a new relationship he answer is stark, but honest. “I have a big dick and a prescription for Levitra.” Well… in some women’s world, I guess that enough. But, I don’t know any.
Riley sees nothing wrong with him that he needs to change before hooking up with a woman. He sees no reason to shower or wash his hair. He doesn’t have a problem with poop drippings stuck to his legs. He isn’t bothered by the urine stains on his bedding. He has a big dick and Levitra and thinks that’s all he needs.
In my mind, Riley is a sexual predator. He preys on vulnerable women in need of some tender loving care. He’s not a screw and run kinda guy. He will keep the relationship going for as long as he possibly can while adding other women into his equation. He will eventually tell one woman about another and then not understand why the women no longer want to be with him. To him, his honesty was enough for them to want to stay. He has told me over and over, women want honesty but they don’t want the truth. Humm… I think Riley doesn’t understand the true definition of the word honest.
Anyway, back to sex… for men, sex and alcoholism just doesn’t work. The alcohol makes it difficult for the penis to stand up at attention. Before I realized Riley was an alcoholic, I was concerned about the lack of sex in our marriage. This was before I knew about the other women. We went to a doctor and the doc said – “You can’t get it in if you can’t get it up.” I thought he was so crude that I never went back. Now I know he was so right.
I don’t know about the difficulty of having sex with a woman alcoholic. Maybe you might have trouble keeping her awake and focused. I don’t know.
I’ve always had a healthy sexual appetite. No matter my size, age or distractions, I’ve never been without sex if I truly wanted it. But, since Riley has come back into my life, I’ve had absolutely NO desire for sex. Just the mechanics of meeting someone and developing a relationship leading to sex (I don’t have sex with strangers), would be exhausting. The explanation of the situation, the scheduling of dates, all while trying to respect Riley enough not to flaunt my new attraction, it just seems not worth it.
If there had never been a separation, if we were truly a married couple, I can imagine my difficulties magnified by a million times. If I were in love with my husband, I would want a sexual relationship – it’s natural and normal. But, with end-stage, the person in that bed is not the person that stood with me at the altar and said “I do.” If I were much younger, I think it would be even more difficult.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be passionately attracted to a man again. This whole caretaking ordeal has me feeling like men in general are just not worth the trouble. I know that’s not fair. Not all men are alcoholics. Not all men are cheaters. In fact, since doing this blog, I’ve “met” lots of men. I just have no desire to go there.
In a less extreme manner, I’m like Riley. I still shower, brush my teeth, keep my hair neat and am concerned with the cleanliness of my personal space. However, I no longer apply make up every morning and am not always concerned about my top matching my pants. I reserve the make up and fashion consciousness to events that are more public. You would not find the woman I am now living in my house three years ago. I would love to have that woman back, but I just don’t have the energy.
Maybe energy is the key. It takes energy to have sex and even more to “make love.” Maybe I’m just too tired to be interested. Unlike the birds and bees, which have lots of energy, I no longer want to reproduce. The real purpose of the sexual act is procreation. I don’t want to procreate. So I don’t need that much energy.
I also don’t have the energy to go traipsing through any cabbage patches nor do I want to go “stork hunting.” I think I’ll just leave all that to the birds and bees.
at 7:43 AM