You never thought this day would actually become a reality.
It seems too good to be true and as you watch him walk into the rehab center,
you pinch yourself to make sure you are not dreaming. Even though you know he
is safely ensconced into a room and at that very moment he is in a group
therapy session, you still think… What if he calls me to come get him? What if
he doesn’t handle detox so well? What if… What if..?
It is a restless night for you at the onset of your
alcoholic’s rehab journey. The joy is that you wake up in the morning and find
that, in spite of the uneasiness, you feel a bit more refreshed than you did on
previous nights. Then it hits you – you were more rested because you weren’t
subconsciously worried about him burning the house down or falling and cracking
his head open. You didn’t have to lock the bedroom door in fear of him going
into a drunken rage. Last night you were able to sleep without trepidation and
the rest was, OH, so sweet.
Everything is better this morning. The coffee is richer, the
sunrise redder, the shower warmer, even the morning news seems to have more
positive stories. If you have children, even getting them off to school seems
to go without incident – like a well-oiled machine just humming along. So you’ve
gotten your morning off to a good start – now what do you do?
There’s always a few days when the alcoholic is out of the
house that everything feels fabulously normal. Enjoy it because you really don’t
know how long it’s going to last. Besides, I hate to be the bearer of bad news –
but you have work to do. It’s all well and good for the alcoholic to be in rehab,
but no matter how “well” he gets, if he comes home to the same familiar scenario,
he will go back to his old scenarios. So what can you do while he is gone to
help the entire family?
Clean house. I know that sounds simple, but it is more
complicated that just getting out the broom and mop. When you clean the house
this time, you must be a detective. Look for bottles of booze and every
imaginable as well as the not so likely places where a bottle can be hidden.
With Riley I found bottles hidden the spare tires in the garage, inside the
toilet tank, behind the drapery cornice, in the box of Christmas ornaments, in
a hole under the sink that opened to the dishwasher space, in the storage shed
with the gardening tools, and all the other usual places. I ended up with one
entire garbage can of nothing but booze bottles – some empty and some not so
much. There wasn’t much room for the regular garbage after my round-up.
I went through the house room by room, cleaning each and
every inch of each and every room. It took me about a week to finish the entire
house and about 3 days for the outside of the house. I had the cleanest house
on the block. It felt so very, very good to know that I now had an alcohol-free
environment.
Get support. If you have not tried Al-Anon, give it a go. If
you don’t like it, you don’t have to go back. Don’t let support group options
stop with Al-Anon. There’s the OARS Group through this blog and other on-line
support groups. The idea is – find what works for you and then participate.
TALK. Tell your story and how you feel. It will help you find strength.
Find a therapist. One-on-one counseling is immensely helpful
for anyone who is living or has lived with an alcoholic. Through a professional
counselor, you will learn what your boundaries are that you set for your life.
You can learn who you really are and how to go forward in your life.
Family programs through the rehab center. If your alcoholic
is in a rehab center that offers a family program, take advantage of it. Don’t
worry what the format is, just go and take in everything they have to offer. If
that rehab center doesn’t offer a family program (SHAME ON THEM), call around
to other local rehab centers and see if they offer anything for family members
who do not have a patient in their facility.
Find your passion. Take this time to try things that may
interest you – oil painting; basket weaving; baking; writing; photography…
anything that you have been curious about, but never had the time to try.
Either do it on your own or find a buddy with the same interest. You may even
consider taking a class at your local community college or recreation
department. Once you find what you like, commit to it. Make a vow that you may
not be able to do it as often as you like, but that you will continue as often
as humanly possible.
Read blogs. Of course, read MY blog, but there are many
others out there with a focus on the family of addicted persons. They all offer
excellent information and encouragement. When you see how many blogs there
actually are – you will truly know that you are not alone.
Make decisions. There is no guarantee that the alcoholic
will be released from rehab and be a changed person. The likelihood that he
will relapse is very high. What are you going to do when/if that happens? I
know you believe you will keep a positive attitude, but the reality is you must
prepare the negative while enjoying the positive. What will your limits be for
alcohol in the home? If you should need to separate yourself from the
alcoholic, how will you manage to do that? Will he leave or will you? Do you
have money saved for that possibility? Prepare now and you won’t be scrambling
around wondering what the hell happened when the future turns from bright to bleak.
Understand everything you can about alcoholism. Just because
a person is sober doesn’t mean he will be easy to live with or be a loving
partner. If the alcoholic stays in a program, the focus will not be on the
family, but rather on maintaining the sobriety that has been attained. Where
alcohol was the previous mistress, AA or whatever program he is in, will be his
mistress now. It’s hard not to take as rejection or abandonment especially when
you have done so much for him when he treated you poorly. It is up to you to
decide what kind of relationship you want to have – what is acceptable and what
is not. You can stay in your relationship, but you may have reconfigure it a
bit to meet both parties requirements.
Life with an alcoholic is never easy. It is almost always
disappointing when the discovery is made that life with a recovering alcoholic
is also not easy. So take this time to clean your house and your mind. Fill
those cleaned out spaces with knowledge of yourself, alcoholism and a clear
definition of what your life should look whether alone or with the alcoholic.
2 comments:
As always, excellent advice Linda! I would only add that if a rehab facility has no Family Program, run! No Family Program = No federal/state funding, meaning there's something janky going on there!
Another hiding place could be in plain sight. We used to buy drinking water by the case. The kids were into sports, etc. and the bottled water was just easier. My ex used to take several bottles, empty out the water and refill with his Vodka! Plain sight! It worked for him until our youngest got hold of a vodka filled bottle. Poor kid took a huge gulp and about vomited!
Other places; inside the washing machine, inside a pair of tall boots in a closet, the tire well usually in the trunk of a car under the carpet. In Lenin closets behind stacks of towels and sheets. If your alcoholic is a man with a garage, the hiding places are endless! The first house we owned had a huge loft above the garage. It was big enough to create a small living space up there, though we never did. The only reason I searched up there was because he would go up there often to drink. You had to access it via a ladder. I have no idea how he kept from falling.
Also you are so very correct when you mention that the alcoholic getting sober is not a cure-all...and often the work has just begun. Sometimes, actually MANY times, the sober alcoholic will be so grouchy, grumpy and hateful that you will almost wish they would go back to drinking. Try to give them a break. Often, they have screwed up the "feel-good" neurons in their brain. Very often it will benefit them to start taking an antidepressant, even if only short-term. A good treatment facility will do a complete physical, blood work and history on the alcoholic and will usually catch this and prescribe a mild antidepressant. TRY to get the alcoholic to take it exactly as prescribed...often their sobriety is dependent upon it!
Sadly not all rehabs offer family programmes due to the funding issues - at least in the UK that is the case I know in some instances. I'm sure they'd love to but where they get the money from just doesn't allow them.
The other things as the alcoholic who has sat the other side.... I know as a recovering alcoholic I've presented other issues. My recovery has worked for me through using AA and meetings. In the early days a LOT of meetings. My wife was angry and jealous that after she'd told me to stop drinking for years I now hung around with strangers more than her and of course she felt more angry because I was staying sober due to that. 10 years on me spending 3 or 4 evenings out a week at meetings isn't uncommon. That is a strain and a readjustment etc. We've made it work.
I sometimes say that next year I'll have been married 30 years. The really surprising thing is that my marriage survived not just my drinking career but has actually survived my recovery too so far.
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