RILEY
RILEY
c/o
Kindred Healthcare
901
South Halstead Blvd.
Elizabeth
City, NC 27909-6920
Today I’ll be going to visit and
read to him from “The Wind in the Willows” by Kenneth Grahame. It was read to
Riley and his brother when they were very small children. I think this might be
comforting for him. If his mother were here, I’m sure this is what she would
read to her little boy.
When I visited yesterday, Riley
was actually looking a bit better. His face had filled out a bit and his complexion
was better. I have been told that dying people do start to look better as they
reach the end. I suppose its nature’s way of giving us a better memory of the
last days.
Riley barely acknowledged my
presence when I entered the room. He opened his eyes only for a second and
promptly closed them again. I waited. A nurse came in and took his vitals. Then
another gave him a bath. The bath woke him up. He was not happy that he was
being bathed. His speech has degenerated to mumblings so I couldn’t make out
the words, but I knew he was protesting. When she was done, she asked “Now…
doesn’t that feel better?” I was sure I could understand him saying, “If you
say so.”
Now that he was awake, I tried to
make some light conversation. I mentioned that his room was nice and the bed
looked comfortable. I told him I had talked to the staff and everyone seemed
competent and caring. He mumbled something and opened only one of his eyes.
His nurse came back in and gave
him some medicine. I’m not sure what it was, but he didn’t protest. He has
difficulty swallowing pills, so the medicine was in liquid form. Before she
left, Riley asked her for a drink. She said she would bring in some water. He
clearly said NO followed by more mumbling. I’m sure he was asking for vodka and
soda. The nurse told him “I’ll check on that” and left the room.
The thought occurred to me… why
not let him have a little vodka? He can only get down a tiny bit at a time. He
is clearly dying so there is no hope for sobriety. If it keeps him calm to have
a few drops of vodka, what would be the harm? But, I kept quiet. I felt sure
there was some kind of law or something preventing the precious liquid ever
getting to Riley’s lips. Then again – I looked back at him and didn’t really
see much agitation in his face. He didn’t need the vodka to keep him calm. Now
I’m thinking is was some kind of “Pavlov’s Dog” reaction to just being awake
and alive.
I’m not sure if “calmness” was
what I was witnessing. I think it was more of a sense of resignation. He is out
of options, out of choices, he is resigned to being in that bed and unable to
do for himself. I don’t think he likes it, but is resolved in the knowledge
that this is how it must be. I’m not sure if he has accepted the fact that his
death is imminent. But, I’m sure he knows that this is not what he expected his
last days to be like. He must be wondering – where’s the jealous husband
chasing him with a gun and shooting him as he is jumping over a fence after
catching him with the wife? Lying in a hospital bed is so mundane, boring, and
without an interesting story for his legacy.
Besides reading to Riley, I will
offer him my forgiveness for anything he may have done in the past that hurt
me. I will also ask for his forgiveness for anything I may have done that hurt
him. I will tell him that the kids love him and miss him. I will lie to him and
tell him that his oldest son forgives him for the past. I will do or say
whatever I have to do to let him depart earth as peacefully as possible.
I’m not so sure I really can forgive him or that his son
will ever forgive him. Maybe in time the good memories will overtake the bad
now that the bad will stop repeating over and over. I long since grieved the
loss of the man who was my husband. All of this just feels like a formality. I
am sad. I’m sad to think about the life Riley could have had if he had taken a
different path. But, what is the point in that? It was what it was and it is
what it is.
