The liver is a miraculous organ. It can regenerate new cells
to replace the bad ones. I’ve seen this happen with Riley several times. I
don’t know when the liver degenerates to the point of not being able to
regenerate enough cells to return to proper functioning. I’ve talked to the hospice nurse and she told
me that Riley has caused too much damage for his liver to be able to regenerate
enough to be fully functional. The same thing goes for his brain.
This hospice nurse was assigned to Riley because she has
experience with alcoholic deaths. While talking to her, I knew she understood
concern. She carefully explained to me that it may take Riley a considerable
amount of time to reach his end. Or he could have another heart attack and have
it all end quickly. It really doesn’t matter because his brain function is so
limited that he will never be able to return home. Fortunately, he is
well-insured and is able to stay in the nursing home for as long as he is
alive. He may be able to improve enough to go to an assisted living facility,
but that would be a big stretch. She assured me it was time for me to move
forward.
I suppose I’m a little gun-shy when I’m told that Riley is
dying. He’s been dying before and has always managed to come back. I find it
difficult to truly believe that he is not going to make it through this. I want
to trust what I’m being told. I want to make plans for my future without Riley.
But, I don’t call him the Immortal Alcoholic without reason. So… I guess… I
must wait.
My fear is not that he will survive, but rather he will
survive to a point where he might get discharged and sent home. He will never
be able to live on his own again. I accept that fact. There is no place for him
to go except to my house. I’m not physically or emotionally able to take care
of him any longer – at least not with his inability to tend to his biological
functions or inability to mobilize.
The best case scenario for both me and Riley is that he
recovers to the point of being able to be placed in an assisted living facility
or long term care. I have no reason to believe that cannot happen based on my
previous experiences with Riley and death. The only thing preventing that is if
Riley is capable of refusing that placement. I will have to firmly stand by my
decision to not have him come home and not be his caretaker.
Riley might not agree with me. He has stated a million times
that he would prefer to be dead than to be sober. Who knows for sure? He always
made those statements when he was in the middle of drinking. So now that he is
in the condition that he is, how do I really know what it is he would want?
He wants to come home. Every time I visit he tells me that.
He wants to sit in his rocking chair and talk on the phone. He tells me to make
sure I turn off the TV in the den because no one is watching it. He tells me he
wants to go to the living room and doesn’t understand why I can’t just push the
bed in there. He wants his computer. In the few words I can really understand,
I am able to understand all that. In between sips of his imaginary drink, he is
clear that he wants to come home.
I feel that I cannot just sit and wait for Riley’s outcome.
I’m taking the nurse’s advice and moving forward. I have given a 60-day notice
on my country house and will move in with my grandson’s family for the summer. I’ve already started on getting my health
back by getting plenty of rest and taking all my medications as prescribed. I
spend more time walking around the property and enjoying the beautiful weather.
There is a new job ahead of me. I’ll be looking after my
great-granddaughter during the day. She is too old for day care and too young
to be alone. I’m looking forward to spending time with her. I have lots of
plans for little adventures. She will keep me active and alert. It will be a
symbiotic relationship.
In the long run, I guess Riley’s condition really doesn’t
matter anyway. Whatever is going to happen will happen without my consent,
interference or management. It isn’t up to me. The only thing I can do is plan
for my own future and not Riley’s – if he has one.
