A place called "denial"

There is a place I want to visit. It’s Denial Bay, South Australia. It’s really just a fishing and tourist village on the western side of Murat Bay about 350 miles from Adelaide. This bay and village was named from the “deceptive hope [they] had formed penetrating by it some distance into the interior of the country.” In other words it was suspected that the bay would provide an entry into the interior regions of the country, but instead was simply a bay and not an entrance. Denial Bay is now a stop for tourists who wish to enjoy a change of scenery from the salt bushes.

It doesn’t sound like such a bad place to visit. It doesn’t conjure up visions of doom that the phrase “floating up the river of Denial” seems to generate.

Let’s take a look at the word “denial”. It can be a verb deriving from the word “deny” or it can be a noun indicating a place called “Denial.” In this case, the real place of Denial Bay and the fictional river of Denial.

I think the word “denial” has gotten a bad rap. Sometimes denying certain things is a means to protect ourselves from potentially harmful situations. For example, I deny that I like any food that is spicy hot. The reality is that I DO like a bit of spice to my food, but if I say I don’t, I won’t get a dish so hot that I need a fire extinguisher to put out the flames. I protect myself from that pain by denying that I want any heat at all.

When my doctor asks me if I have trouble sleeping, I tell him absolutely not. However, as that clock turns to 3:00 A.M. and sleep is NOT on the horizon, I realize that I’m in denial about my sleeping habits. I believe I may be trying to protect myself from something by lying to my doctor. I have no clue why. I just know that I’m in denial.

When Riley was alive, I denied that stress was affecting my life. In my mind, if I said it often enough, denied it vehemently, it would not be true. The reality is that stress was destroying my physical and mental health. In my mind, I thought that it didn’t matter if I denied or not because there was nothing I could do about the situation. It was better to accept that the way my life was, is how my life would be and denial made all that easier.

I have a friend who denies that he wants a committed relationship. He claims not to want a relationship in order to protect himself from a broken heart. So he ends each potential mating before there’s a chance to find out if she is Ms. Right. Denying that there could be a Ms Right protects him from the pain of heartbreak.

Alcoholics don’t want to admit they are alcoholics so they deny that alcohol is a problem. Spouses deny that alcohol has any effect on their lives because they don’t want the outside world’s image of a perfectly loving marriage to be blemished in any way. The spouse is denying as a means of protecting the marriage.

No one wants to admit that their thought process is flawed. Accepting the thing that you’re denying is downright terrifying. It means facing the fact that a change needs to happen. Sometimes we don’t know how to change and sometimes we simply prefer our status quo. Some people live their entire life in the fictional state of denial while others make a move to reality, confront and resolve their issues.

I believe my life would have been far more enjoyable if I had not denied that Riley’s condition was causing me harm. I believe I would have accomplished more, learned more, laughed more, enjoyed more, and been more introspective of my own needs, had I just admitted that I was in need of help to relieve the stress. My denial was not the protector I thought it was.

Those of you who follow me know that I plan a lot of things. Many of them don’t happen the way I plan or in the time frame I want to do them. I deny that they will never happen. I’m planning a trip to Denial Bay, South Australia. After all, if I’m going to be in denial, I might as well enjoy seeing the sights of a sleepy fishing village that is the real Denial Bay. Anyone want to join me?