A dirty wall...

Thank you for all your birthday wishes! I appreciated them very much. Many have asked about the lawn card photo. It went MIA along with most of my kids’ school-art-generated cards about the time that Riley and I separated.

A dirty wall...

A few days ago I noticed that the light switch on the kitchen wall was soiled and pretty disgusting. I had just changed the garbage can liner and was tidying up around that area. The light switch is just above the can. I instinctively took my trusty bottle of cleaner and sprayed the plastic rectangle. Of course, some of the cleaner ended up on the wall – it is a spray after all. I wiped the cleaner off and when I was happy with the whiteness of the switch, I moved on to other things.

The sunlight was pouring in and everything was bright from the kitchen through the den. It was lunchtime and I wanted to get a frozen meal from the pantry freezer. As I walked through the door, next to the garbage can, I looked up and was truly dismayed that I could clearly see where I cleaned the wall around the light switch and behind the can. The paint was a pretty, soft yellow and not dingy beige like the rest of the kitchen. The difference in color was stark and outlined in rounds that clearly marked where I had used circular motion in my cleaning task. I had no idea the walls were so dirty. It had happened so gradually, I had not noticed the changing wall color it all.

I think the perception of how bad things are depends on how deeply we are involved in the situation and how often we must face it each day. We often don’t see problems that are in front of us or we don’t see them to be as obvious. It’s like not noticing how soiled the walls are until you wipe them down to remove the dirt around the light switch. Then you are forced to either wash the wall or repaint the entire room.

I think that it can be just like that dirty wall when it hits us that we have become the caretaker of our alcoholic. Most people don’t choose it like it did. Most people grow into the job and they don’t even know they’ve signed the contract until it’s too late.

It’s pretty clear to us when we have an alcoholic in the house. There is no denying the money spent or mess to be cleaned. At first it may just be a few missing dollars or an empty bottle that never made it to the trash. After getting used to the few dollars, a few more may become missing and gradually it adds up to a lot more dollars. The empty bottle turns into bottles hidden in toilet tanks and in the tool box. It doesn’t happen over night. It can take years for those few dollars to turn into hundreds and the one bottle to turn into twelve. It’s a “just one more" sequence of events.

Some people chose to eliminate the alcoholic from their life. Cut them loose. Turn them out. Shut them out of their lives. The alcoholic then must make a choice between alcohol and the people they love. Unfortunately, the choice will most likely be alcohol. But if the opposite happens… if the alcoholic choices sobriety… there is still a chance they can reclaim their place in the family as a healthy, loving, productive member.

On the other hand, sometimes the non-alcoholic doesn’t realize how much they are doing until something causes them to become more objective to what’s going on around them. The alcoholic may go into detox for a few days and the house is blissfully free from insanity. Or maybe they wake up one day and suddenly realize that the balance is off by a long ways. It doesn’t really matter how or when they come to the realization. Discovering that you have become the caretaker in an impossible situation is heart-wrenching.

Once the compass is set and you’ve arrived in the caretaking position, getting out is very difficult. It requires doing things and making decisions that NO one in their right mind would do. They feel ashamed because they feel they have allowed the situation to get to that point. They feel alone because no one seems to understand the depth of frustration. They seek help from anywhere and everywhere, but help isn’t that easy to find.

There is no reason to feel ashamed. The alcoholic is the ONLY one who has created the problem and the only one who can change the direction of the addiction. The caretaker is not responsible for the condition of the alcoholic. Choices were made. They were not your choices to make – they belong squarely on the shoulders of the alcoholic. Your choice may have been based on your situation at the time when he was still “curable”. I think it’s pretty normal for caretakers to hope that things will get better. Unfortunately, the end of the options can come quickly and without notice. It’s not the fault of the caretaker.

When I first started this blog, I thought that I must be the only idiot who would have taken on this caretaking stuff. Whoa! How stupid was I?? It didn’t take long to figure out that there were lots of other people out there who were doing the exact same thing that I was doing. They were caretaking an end-stage alcoholic. Suddenly I didn’t feel so stupid anymore. I was relieved that people were e-mailing me and posting comments. It reinforced my knowledge that I was not alone.

There is strength in numbers. There is knowledge to be shared. Together we lend support. Together we laugh, cry, and grieve. Together we are strong. Together we create a louder voice.

On February 9, 2012, I’ll be attending the National Council on Alcohol and Alcoholism near Washington DC. I have no idea what to expect. I may not learn anything at all. I don’t know if I’ll be allowed to speak. But, at least I’ll learn what happens at one of these meeting. If I am lucky, I might be able to wipe down the wall of ignorance on the life the end-stage caretaker.

22,995 days old...

When I was six I couldn’t imagine being as old as my grandmother. I didn’t think she could ever have been a young woman let alone a child at age six. In my six year old mind, she was always old – must have been born that way. I wonder if my six year old great-granddaughter thinks the same way about me. She knows today is my birthday but I don’t think she can get her mind around the numbers. 63 years have gone by since the day I was born. For my great-granddaughter, one year is an eternity – 63 of them would be impossible to imagine. It might be easier for her to understand that I’m 22,995 days old. She understands days and she understands that’s a lot of days.

Thinking back to birthday parties in the past is always a bit nostalgic. I sigh, cry, laugh and wish I could have some do-overs. I remember a birthday in Connecticut. I don’t remember how old I was – what does it matter anyway? The kids were in grade school and Riley was on shore duty. It must have been in the early 80’s.

We had a cute little house in what was considered to be a touristy community. We were only blocks from the beach. In spite of that, our house was a “year-around” lease, so we got the quiet in the winter and the fun in the summer. There was a sizeable back yard that edged off into a creek. Tall trees, plants and shrubs lined the perimeter creating a natural fence and the rest of the yard was lawn. I have no idea why, but Riley seemed to enjoy being out in the yard on Sunday, mowing the grass, trimming the shrubs, etc. Of course, he had always had a few before he got out there. He wasn’t end-stage like he is now. Then he was functional and our life was relatively acceptable.

There comes a time in the fall when the lawn gets mowed for the last time before the frost and snow sets in. It just so happened that on my birthday the lawn would be mowed for the last time that season. Riley had been celebrating my birthday quite a bit that day, so I was a little worried when he insisted he MUST do the lawn on my birthday.

I’m not sure what I was doing, but I wasn’t paying much attention to whatever was going in the backyard. It may have been the anniversary of my birth, but there was still laundry, rooms to clean, and dinner to cook. If I was lucky, we could all sit down and watch the football game.

It seemed that Riley was taking a lot longer on the yard than his normal lawn chore day. Oh well, I was busy and as long as he was in the yard, I knew where he was and what he was doing. I wasn’t too concerned.

I had just make a big bowl of popcorn and put out chips and dips for the game, when Riley came in and said I need to inspect what he had done. He was all giggly and excited for me to view his handiwork. He had never done that before. Something was up. He told me to close my eyes and took me out into the yard. Then he said – “OK! Open ‘em”!

It took me a minute to understand the whole concept of what he had done. I was a mix of delight and horror. This would not be good at the spring thaw.

A giant birthday card had been carved into the grass in the yard! HAPPY BIRTHDAY on one line and LINNY on the next and then a “heart” underneath my name and it was outlined with wavy lines all around. I was amazed at his creativity – because generally Riley was not. The difference in the grass height was a good three inches. The letters were almost down to the bare ground. I was laughing and hugging him. He was so proud of himself. I didn’t see him like that very often, so I put my negativity aside and joined in his glee. This was a good birthday.

The following weekend was the first snowfall of the season. I love that time when all the world seems quiet and peaceful. The fresh snow blankets the worlds and muffles any noise that would intrude on the peacefulness. I stepped out onto our back deck to see the white outlines of branches of what was once leaf shrouded branches. My eyes looked at the yard and saw HAPPY BIRTHDAY LINNY outlined in snow. It would take another snowfall to cover the greeting. I smiled, but I knew the grass cut so close to the ground may not survive the cold.

We received our transfer orders to Virginia in March which meant we would have to leave our little house in mid-May. Just in time for the spring thaw. I would be able to see the crocus, daffodils and tulips, but we’d be gone before the heat and tourist came to visit.

One of the luxuries of being a military family is that we are transferred from duty station to duty station using professional movers. This move was no different. The movers slammed the truck doors and I offered them something to eat and something warm to drink. They accepted my offer and went out to the deck, since there was no place to sit inside the house. I went back inside to continue getting things packed for the road trip.

I could hear laughing and talking. When I looked out, one of the truckers had climbed a tree at the edge of the creek. He was taking pictures of the yard. The birthday message was devoid of grass and each letter was fully visible. One trucker asked me when my birthday was. November 28th, I said. They laughed and told me what I already knew. That message would be around for a long time.

After throwing down some grass seed in each of the letters, we finished packing the car, got the kids settled in and left Connecticut. I hear tell that message was visible for several seasons, but eventually it disappeared. I’m surprised the homeowners never mentioned it. When the truckers arrived at our new home, they presented me with a picture of the yard’s greeting.

I won’t be getting a message carved in the grass this year. But, I was wished a good morning and happy birthday all at the same time. My gift this year is that Riley was able to remember that today is my birthday.

Life's cycle...

There is a cycle to life that is often the butt of many jokes. In a perfect life, we are born into this world and our parents love, nurture and protect us. We grow into adults and love, nurture and protect our own children. When we become senior citizens, our children become our protectors. At least that’s the way it seems.

Marissa is a stay at home Mom. She has five children, two of which are no longer at home (one is in the Coast Guard and one is in college). She has asked me share her story.

Marissa is the oldest of four children. They all live in the same geographical area. Her parents have been divorced for more than a decade as a result of her father’s alcohol abuse. She has become her father, Joseph’s, caretaker. An extended family member has attempted to help Joseph by providing him a job and a room, but after four years of alcoholic insanity, they let him go. Because he had some money from being injured in a car accident, he decided to not seek out other employment.

Joseph, refuses to go to in-house rehab, but has participated in AA. His longest length of sobriety over the past four years has been only six months.

When Joseph lost his job in May, Marissa took him into her home. He was jaundiced and became increasingly worse each day. His eyes were covered by a film of yellow making them appear golden. After much coaxing, Marissa managed to get Joseph into the hospital for detox. Besides having dangerously high ammonia levels, he was also malnourished and dehydrated. After a ten day hospital stay, he was released and moved into a clean and sober house. He, once again, started going to AA and things looked bright. Marissa’s relief would only last for a couple of months when Joseph returned to the bottle and he was asked to leave the house. Because he had no where to go, Marissa, took him back into her home with the condition that he not drink and would seek employment.

Having set her boundaries, Marissa knew that it would not benefit him to allow him to cross the line without consequences. In October, she told he must move from her home. He stayed in hotels until his money ran out and began sleeping in the woods close to Marissa’s home. He came to her house and told her he wasn’t feeling so well and could he stay with her a few days – just until he was feeling better. Marissa agreed and took him in for a few days, providing him a clean bed and food. But, the following Sunday she re-admitted him to the hospital. He was released after only four days. Joseph returned to the woods, but became sick once again and asked Marissa to let him back into her home.

Joseph has siblings, none of which will allow him to live with them. Marissa’s siblings are not in a position where they can take him. They all take a “tough love” stance on the caretaking of their brother/father. They believe he should be left on the street no matter how sick he is. They believe if they allow their father to “hit bottom” he will come to his senses and take recovery seriously. Since they have very little contact with him, they can’t see what alcohol has done to their father physically. They don’t understand that there is now no turning back because his physical health is gone.

Joseph has gone through all his money. Social services give him piles of paperwork which he cannot complete because he can no longer understand how to fill out a simple questionnaire. He has no insurance. There is no longer any possibility of rehab because he is refused admittance due to the high risk factor and lack of money. Marissa feels that there are no other options but to give him a safe place to die.

Panic sets in as the Thanksgiving holiday approaches. Her son, Andy, is returning from college for the holiday and will expect to be able to sleep in his own bed in his own room. But that room is being used by his grandfather – a fact that he doesn’t know because Marissa has not shared the information for fear of Andy’s disapproval. Her one pillar of sanity in the whole situation is her husband, John, and her belief in God. John supports Marissa’s decision and will help in any way he can. They become a “united front” but Marissa must be the leader. She braces herself for the assigned task – to tell Andy that he will be sleeping on the sofa.

The next day comes and Marissa waits to make the phone call until she has completed all the many chores she has lined up for that day. She finally sees her father in the early afternoon. She had taken advantage of his “quietness” and managed to get a lot accomplished. She was waiting to call Andy until her husband was home from work.

When Marissa entered the room, she saw Joseph in his bed and breathing very heavily. She knew the situation was dire. He was in so much pain that he barely acknowledged that Marissa was there. It took several hours for Marissa to get her younger kids out of the house, her husband home from the office, have a conversation with her brother, and issue her father an ultimatum – go to the hospital or leave her house. He agreed to the hospital and it took a few more minutes to get him dressed.

It was a struggle getting him to the car. His legs hurt and he had no muscle control, so essentially, Marissa and John had to semi-carry him towards the car, but couldn’t lift him enough to get him into the seat. They called 911 and an ambulance was on the way. While holding her father up, Marissa was trying to tell the dispatcher what was going on, but she couldn’t do both. She laid her father on the ground next to the car.

Before the ambulance got there, Joseph began foaming from his mouth and turning purple. He stopped breathing and Marissa knew he had died right in front of her. The dispatcher was instructing Marissa on CPR when the paramedics arrived. They worked on him for several minutes and then transported him to the hospital. When she got to the hospital it was official, Joseph was gone.

The doctors explained to Marissa and John how they think the death occurred, but it really didn’t matter because the end result was the same. Her father was gone. As much as she loved him, Marissa couldn’t protect him from himself.

In the end, Joseph gave his family the gift of freedom. The entire family can now come together as one and celebrate his life with stories sparking both laughter and tears. The family can heal and move on. That is a gift of love. That is what a good father would do.

Ohhh… And as for Andy – he was upset that his mother didn’t trust him with the truth. If he had known, he would have left school early and been there to help her. Seems he’s already starting on the path to protecting his Mom. And the cycle continues.

End-Stage thankfulness...

The season is upon us. Flipping the calendar over a couple of pages, skipping December, is not going to solve the problem. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and then we are in for a month or so of celebrating. Everyone happily spends money and eats lots of unhealthy stuff. And there’s lots of booze flowing at every party.

This year, Riley and I will not be going anywhere for Thanksgiving. We’ll be having a hen instead of a turkey and small portions of everything symbolic of Thanksgiving. I’ll buy a gallon of Chablis for him and a regular bottle of Pouilly Fuse for me (of which I’ll drink about a 1/3). We’ll spend our time putting up and decorating the Christmas tree. Other than that, I’ll be sewing and he’ll be watching TV.

We had been invited to my grandson’s house for dinner with the rest of the family. But, it’s an hour-plus drive and I’m still tired from the six-hour drive back from the conference. Riley has bowel and bladder issues and refuses to wear a Depends, so that complicates things as well. My grandson’s bathroom is on the second floor and the climb for both Riley and me,  is a bit of a challenge. Staying home makes the most sense.

While other people carry on with their happy holiday attitude and make plans for the best Christmas ever, the families of end-stage are just looking forward to having it all be over. They are also planning for the holidays, but their plan resembles disaster preparedness. It’s a “what will I do if…” sort of attitude. Each invitation to a party or event is scrutinized for possible pitfalls. How much alcohol will be there? Are the other attendees aware of the alcoholic problem? Will any embarrassment cause me to have to deal with fall out? Will there be children around while everyone is toasting with Hot Buttered Rum? The answers to those questions will determine the participation and become a part of the plan.

I have found it easier to celebrate the holidays by hosting my own event. That way I can control the hours, food and beverages being served. I best event I’ve hosted was a holiday brunch where the only alcohol in the room was in the sterno burners under the chafing dishes. There was lots of sparkling cider and egg nog without the brandy. I kept it going as long as Riley wasn’t making a fuss, but the minute I saw a potential problem, I started trying to head people out the door.

Any activities outside of the brunch and family, I attended solo. When I was working in the corporate environment there were many events that were not mandatory, but an absence was negatively noticed. In the interest of my career, I went to everything for which I received an invitation. I just didn’t drag Riley with me.

When Riley and I separated, my holiday life became much, much easier. He didn’t partake of my family gatherings, so I was blissfully free of his alcoholic nonsense. I choose my dates carefully for business functions and even included a gay male friend with a Master’s Degree in Business for one holiday party. (We had an awesome time – a lot more fun than some of my straight dates!)

Riley was always invited to our family Christmas dinner at my house with the kids, but he seldom accepted the invitation. He preferred being with other drunks and his other girlfriends. We were all OK with that.

Last Christmas was the second Christmas since Riley has been back with me. I was uneasy about Riley being around everyone. He ended up wetting his pants while sitting on my daughter’s brand new white ottoman. It was snowing so hard that we couldn’t leave for two days. I was miserable. Riley was pacing like a caged tiger. When the roads cleared a bit, my son-in-law was able to take us home in his four-wheel drive. A normal hour-plus drive took us three hours. We got home safely. I was so happy to be back in my own house.

We can learn from our experiences and I will not repeat last year’s Christmas – or Thanksgiving. I will miss the excitement of my great-grandchildren running down the stairs and being surprised by the gifts under the tree. I will miss watching my 2 year old great-grandson sucking on the turkey leg. I will even miss listening to my grandson as he tries to coax his daughter into eating just a few more green beans. But, I will not miss the feeling that I must constantly supervise everything Riley is doing.

Choices are sometimes difficult. My choice is to give my family the gift of Riley-free holidays – both Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know they want me to be there. I know they will miss me. I also know that they will understand. They know I don’t make the choice easily and they are willing to compromise.

Monday is my birthday and on Sunday, the family is coming to the country to throw me a birthday party. I haven’t had a birthday party since I was a kid. I’m beside myself with excitement. New Year’s Day is on Sunday this year and, again, the kids will be here for a New Year’s Day dinner. I’ll take my birthday and New Year’s Day over Thanksgiving and Christmas – it’s a good compromise!

When I first started this adventure, I never thought Riley would be around for three more Thanksgivings. But, he’s still here. If I ask him what he has to be thankful for, he will probably say he’s thankful that I keep him supplied with alcohol. I’m thankful for too many things to list in this post. But, I will openly admit that I’m thankful that there will not be too many more Thanksgivings as Riley’s caretaker. I know that when the end is here, I will be most thankful.

If I knew...

I have been remiss at posting. I apologize. For the past four days I was in Asheville, NC at the North Carolina Writer’s Network Fall Conference. It was amazing. I learned so much that my brain hurts! But, I am back and I hope you find this post of value.

If I knew...

Riley likes telling people that he fought in Viet Nam. Well… that’s a bit of a stretch since he had broken service and the war was just approaching its full swing when he left the Navy. By the time he re-enlisted, the war was winding down. He never stepped foot on Viet Nam soil, nor did any of his submarines venture into those nearby waters.

Brain damage can manifest in many ways. For Riley, this is one way. He often shapes reality to be whatever he thinks it should have been based on whatever his criteria is for that moment. One caring person once said to me “Well, maybe he’s an alcoholic because of the stress of what he witnessed in Viet Nam.” Unless she’s talking about the pictures in Life Magazine – I don’t think that explanation fits for Riley.

There are men and women who witnessed first had the devastating effects of fighting the Viet Nam War or any other war for that matter. They were left with scars so deep no amount of cocoa butter or vitamin E oil could ever diminish. Many of these servicemen (and women) left the military and began using street drugs and alcohol to try to erase the experience from their memories. But their solution only intensified the problem.

It would take years for the term “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” to come into our vocabulary. For the people suffering the dread of daily life accentuated by fear and anger, it was a welcome relief to know that they were not just “crazy” or “wacked out” or “shell shocked”. Their difficulties had a name which meant it could be cured. Or does it?

PTSD has far more reaching victims as we have learned more about the disorder over the years. The disorder now includes any type of extreme stress that has a negative effect on a person’s life, such as being the victim of a crime, the loss of a job or person, bullying, etc. I often wonder if I have PTSD as a result of being Riley’s caretaker. Maybe it’s why sleep is so fleeting…

I met a woman at the conference who is doing research on the subject and as we were talking she came to realize that her husband was probably an alcoholic before the PTSD event occurred. So the question became, did the event occur because of the alcoholism, or did the alcoholism become the result of the PTSD, or was there no correlation between the two. She decided she needed to do some more investigation into which came first – the chicken or the egg.

In the disease of alcoholism there can be many underlying disorders such as, depression, anxiety, paranoia, bi-polar. The question becomes, is the drinking a result of the underlying disorder or is it the other way around? I knew a man who had an anxiety disorder and as long as he took his meds, he didn’t drink. If he stopped taking the meds, he went right to the bottle. In a sense, the alcohol became his meds.

End-stage alcoholism is so frustrating in that, at this point, it doesn’t really matter which came first. We wish we had known back then that the alcoholic may have had something treatable and manageable. In essence it is the age-old, “If I knew then what I know now…” issue. Our medical and psychological researchers come up with new information everyday. Unfortunately it is too late for the end-stage caretaker to use much of it.

Why? You ask? I could be wrong (I am occasionally), but in order to use the meds or to determine if there is an underlying condition, the alcoholic would have to be sober for the period of time necessary for a diagnosis which means a potentially dangerous detox. It may be difficult to find a facility who will accept the risk and admit the end-stage.

The alcoholic would have to undergo therapy and that’s difficult when falsehoods have become a way of communication. No therapy or counseling in the world will work, if a person is unable to be honest and open.  The circle continues in that, if the alcoholic has been able to honest and open in other relationships or in AA or whatever, they may have been able to get a grasp on the addiction long ago and would not now be at end-stage. At least it would be so in a perfect world.

We end-stage caretakers could drive ourselves crazy thinking about all the possibilities. In my opinion, we are where we are and it’s best to accept the reality. We don’t have a time machine that will let us have a “do over.” Accept the choices our alcoholics have made and learn to thrive within those parameters. Be grateful that those who become entwined in alcoholism, and are not end-stage, after us may have more options, solutions, explanations. There is hope for their sobriety. That is a good thing.

For me, as I returned home to find an uncomfortable but not devastating status in the condition of my home, I think to myself – I wish I could hide in the recesses of the brain damaged insanity of Riley’s mind. But, I live in reality. There’s only room for one inside his head. It’s his space and I won’t intrude.  I wish I knew what happened in his past, childhood, school days, career, that may have lead to where he is now.

I wish I knew then what I know now.

To find out more about PTSD, visit this website offering information about PTSD at http://www.heal-post-traumatic-stress.com/. I think you may this very helpful and interesting.

Let's talk sex...

I never understood the story of the birds and bees. If a bird and a bee get it on and they have a baby is it called a biree? I never quite got the connection. I never believed babies were cultivated in cabbage patches either. If that were true, why isn’t their head all leafy and green? And I’ve never seen a stork flying through the air with a baby in its beak. Is the beak even strong enough to hold a baby? I don’t think so.

I’m not really talking about babies. I’m talking about the process of making a baby – it all starts with having sex. The majority of the time the sexual act has nothing at all to do with creating a baby. It’s about pleasure. It feels good. Sometimes it’s a purely physical thing and other times it’s an emotional communication of the depth of our affection for another. Unfortunately, I think, that when being sexual with an alcoholic, sex is more physical and not so much emotional. In my opinion, sex with an alcoholic cannot be an expression of anything other than the purely physical satisfaction of an organism or ejaculation.

Charming, baffling and powerful… I remember hearing those words over and over again when I was attending my very first family rehab groups. Riley was so very charming. He always knew just the right words to make me feel that everything would be just fine. He also knew what to say and do to get his best friends wife to fall in love with him. Simple affairs were never his forte – he had full blown out lovesick relationships. He was soooo charming that he was able to do that with several women at a time, including his wife. He was a master womanizer.

To his credit, he was darned good in bed. He knew how to make love even when he was just having sex. I was never surprised to hear that some woman was in love with my husband and there were many. For women, when a man takes his time and is fully attentive, gentle and considerate – it stops being “just sex” and turns into a loving communication. He never has to say the words “I love you.” His actions are loud and clear.

That was then, this is now. Riley wants a girl friend. He wants me to help him get a girl friend. The truth is he doesn’t really want a “girl friend.” He wants a sex partner. When I ask him what he brings to the table to a new relationship he answer is stark, but honest. “I have a big dick and a prescription for Levitra.” Well… in some women’s world, I guess that enough. But, I don’t know any.

Riley sees nothing wrong with him that he needs to change before hooking up with a woman. He sees no reason to shower or wash his hair. He doesn’t have a problem with poop drippings stuck to his legs. He isn’t bothered by the urine stains on his bedding. He has a big dick and Levitra and thinks that’s all he needs.

In my mind, Riley is a sexual predator. He preys on vulnerable women in need of some tender loving care. He’s not a screw and run kinda guy. He will keep the relationship going for as long as he possibly can while adding other women into his equation. He will eventually tell one woman about another and then not understand why the women no longer want to be with him. To him, his honesty was enough for them to want to stay. He has told me over and over, women want honesty but they don’t want the truth.  Humm… I think Riley doesn’t understand the true definition of the word honest.

Anyway, back to sex… for men, sex and alcoholism just doesn’t work. The alcohol makes it difficult for the penis to stand up at attention. Before I realized Riley was an alcoholic, I was concerned about the lack of sex in our marriage. This was before I knew about the other women. We went to a doctor and the doc said – “You can’t get it in if you can’t get it up.” I thought he was so crude that I never went back. Now I know he was so right.

I don’t know about the difficulty of having sex with a woman alcoholic. Maybe you might have trouble keeping her awake and focused. I don’t know.

I’ve always had a healthy sexual appetite. No matter my size, age or distractions, I’ve never been without sex if I truly wanted it. But, since Riley has come back into my life, I’ve had absolutely NO desire for sex. Just the mechanics of meeting someone and developing a relationship leading to sex (I don’t have sex with strangers), would be exhausting. The explanation of the situation, the scheduling of dates, all while trying to respect Riley enough not to flaunt my new attraction, it just seems not worth it.

If there had never been a separation, if we were truly a married couple, I can imagine my difficulties magnified by a million times. If I were in love with my husband, I would want a sexual relationship – it’s natural and normal. But, with end-stage, the person in that bed is not the person that stood with me at the altar and said “I do.”  If I were much younger, I think it would be even more difficult.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be passionately attracted to a man again. This whole caretaking ordeal has me feeling like men in general are just not worth the trouble. I know that’s not fair. Not all men are alcoholics. Not all men are cheaters. In fact, since doing this blog, I’ve “met” lots of men. I just have no desire to go there.

In a less extreme manner, I’m like Riley. I still shower, brush my teeth, keep my hair neat and am concerned with the cleanliness of my personal space. However, I no longer apply make up every morning and am not always concerned about my top matching my pants. I reserve the make up and fashion consciousness to events that are more public. You would not find the woman I am now living in my house three years ago. I would love to have that woman back, but I just don’t have the energy.

Maybe energy is the key. It takes energy to have sex and even more to “make love.” Maybe I’m just too tired to be interested. Unlike the birds and bees, which have lots of energy, I no longer want to reproduce. The real purpose of the sexual act is procreation. I don’t want to procreate. So I don’t need that much energy.

I also don’t have the energy to go traipsing through any cabbage patches nor do I want to go “stork hunting.” I think I’ll just leave all that to the birds and bees.

Attitude of gratitude...

Once a year my mother took me clothes shopping. It was the last week of August – every year for 12 years. This is when I would get the basics, such as underwear and shoes. I also got school dresses and outfits --  we didn’t wear pants to school then. I so looked forward to that day of shopping. It was a special day that was not shared by my brothers or cousins.

Our family wasn’t poor, but there were never less than six kids to outfit each school year. Money was budgeted tightly. I now know that my mother was as an astute shopper. My parents bought me three pairs of shoes each school year – one in the fall and one in the spring and a pair of gym shoes. They also bought me two pairs of “tennis” shoes from the local grocery store. If I wanted any other shoes, I had to pay for them out of the money earned through baby-sitting.

All the girls in my class were wearing flats. I wanted to keep up with the style as all girls do, so I asked my mother for a pair of flats instead of white oxfords. Of course, this was not practical because after inspecting the soles and determining how long they would last, she would say, “It’s really not a wise choice, honey.” Until my first year in high school when she surprised me by saying that she understood that I wanted to dress like everyone else and we’d find a good quality pair of flats.

I was ecstatic! I tried on at least a dozen pairs of flats. There was just one problem – my feet were so small, the only flats they had that would fit were had the convertible strap. I hated that strap. It made me feel like a baby. My body and feet may have been small, but I wanted to look like the rest of the girls. They didn’t need that stupid strap and I didn’t want it.

I reluctantly decided to go with the standard white oxfords. My mother said that we would buy the oxfords, but she promised she would make sure I got a pair of flats as soon as we found some that would fit.

As we left the store, I could feel the tears starting to fall from my eyes. My mother knelt down in front of me and said “Don’t cry, honey. Someday you’ll see that being small will be to your advantage. Someday people will think you are ten years younger than you really are. And you will smile.” I know she meant well, but I just couldn’t see that silver lining.

I think what my mother was trying to say was that I needed to be grateful for what I had. I think she meant that I needed to develop an attitude of gratitude. Things may look just really, really awful, but I needed to turn that awfulness around and be happy.

Before Riley first came back to live with me, my life was totally different. I had a job that I loved and I was telecommuting. I had a man who cared about me although we didn’t see each other as often as I would have liked. I went to parties and festivals with my friends. I cooked. I wrote but never finished a book. I watched my favorite programs and I was happy. Even though I was sad from the loss of my son, I was happy with the way things were.

I expected a change when Riley came back. I knew I would have to compromise with him and tend to him. I was prepared. But, we had interests in common 20 years ago; surely we’d have things to share as roommates. And we did share. It was difficult but not so bad that I couldn’t handle it.

When I was 14, I spent a lot of time taking care of my grandmother who was terminally ill. I approached Riley with the same attitude. I saw a dying man in need of some caretaking. That was how I treated him. It was difficult at first because we were just about to make the move across country, but there was nothing I couldn’t manage. The adjustment was hard – no more parties and festivals – no more man to come for dinner – and my TV program line-up changed. So things changed, but I still didn’t feel UNhappy.

I’m looking back now and hearing those words that my mother said about those shoes. If she were here today, she would say “See… there’s always something for which to be grateful.” She would be so right.

If I had not taken Riley back, I would still be at the job that monopolized my day. I would still be doing things pretty much the way I was. I would be happy, but would I be satisfied?

Having Riley has opened my eyes to something that I had avoided after we separated. I did a lot of research on alcoholism. If it were not for Riley, I would never have started the blog. If not for the blog, I would never have started writing The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife or started the FaceBook page. If it were not for caretaking an end-stage alcoholic, I would never know the warm feeling of accomplishment when I get the e-mail that says I’ve helped someone through a difficult time. I would never have discovered my passion for trying to make a difference. If it weren’t for all that, I would have hated about being forced into retirement. Maybe I would be spending my days dying my hair blue and going to the senior center for bingo. Actually, I love playing bingo – so let’s forget about that.

Today, I have an attitude of being grateful for having Riley in my life. I’m grateful that he gave me fodder for my book. I’m grateful that he feeds Jade and Jax everyday. I’m grateful that he unloads the dishwasher. I’m even grateful when he is talking nonsense because he gives me a reason to snicker. Yes, he is exasperating, irritating, frustrating and he keeps me on my toes. I hate it that I’m helpless in trying to get him to make the right choices. But, I’ve learned to respect the boundary.

When Riley is gone, my life will be easier. I might even find a sweet guy that will come to dinner. I will expand my social circle. I will write the next in my series of IA books. And I will continue to be happy in this world that Riley forced me to discover.

Tomorrow I may want to wring his neck, but for today I know my mother is watching me smile.

Special message to Mary...

I have reference information for you. Please e-mail me at immortalalcoholic@gmail.com. My reader is anxious to "talk" to you via e-mail. You have much in common. -- Linda

Courage to change...

I had a slap in the face last night. I’ve been neglecting a whole segment of my readership and I want to apologize because it was never my intent. I’m talking about alcoholics who follow my blog. Many are caretakers of end-stage alcoholics; others seem to gain insight from reading what it is like for the rest of us. This post is for you – my alcoholic readers.

I had a commenter last night who wanted to know if it was safe for her to detox at home. I felt a sense of urgency in her comment. I can’t advise her to do anything. I can only suggest. But I know she needed my help. It took everything in me to not post my phone number and have her call me. Instead I urged her to call her local chapter of AA or a rehab center.

I sent out a tweet to try to find someone who could offer her more help than I did. I wanted to hear back from a rehab center that would volunteer to help her even if the help was just over the phone. I thought maybe a recovering alcoholic would respond and extend a hand. But Twitter gave me nothing. How very disappointing that was.

The help did come from two of my loyal followers and they offered the best words they could to help. I don’t know if she heard their words. I don’t know if she got the help she needed.

When I started this blog, I never really thought much about alcoholics who were not end-stage. I had enough to deal with just having Riley. I never thought I would be providing help to people who didn’t want to be in Riley’s situation. Nevertheless, here I am just now discovering that I may be able to make a difference in the prevention of end-stage. Imagine – a world where alcoholism never gets to that point!

I’m looking for a rehab center willing to work with me by providing help in the form of taking phone calls from people in crisis. By “in crisis” I mean people who are feeling a need to detox or stop immediately. I mean people who are urgent in their request for information and may want to be admitted that very same night. The alcoholic may not live in the rehab center’s locale, but a referral to a nearby center should be possible.

There is the naggy little voice in the back of my head that tells me that there would be NO money in it for the rehab center in making a referral – so why should they help? It seems that money is always the issue. How about this as a reason why all rehab centers should provide some type of assistance no matter what the financial situation is – IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO!  Wouldn’t it be great to dispel the idea that rehab centers are money-grubbers who are only interested in well-insured patients? What a novel idea to provide help just because you can.

That being said – if any rehab centers out there want to join me and offer support to my alcoholic followers, please e-mail me at immortalalcoholic@gmail.com. If we are a match, I will post a link to your center both here and on The Immortal Alcoholic FaceBook page.

Enough about rehab centers. If you think you need immediate help there is always AA. I’m told that if you call them, they may even send someone to your home to help you through the difficult decisions surrounding the “to drink or not to drink” question. You don’t have to be a Christian. You don’t even have to believe in God. You just need to have a desire to stop drinking. If you’re not sure if you want sobriety – talk to one of these people who have walked in your shoes. They’ve seen and heard it all. Most importantly their hearts are open to helping others. And it’s FREE!

To find a local chapter meeting there is a website that will tell you the available meetings in your area. You can find it here http://www.aa.org/lang/en/central_offices.cfm?origpage=373 .

AA also has online meetings. You don’t even have to leave your house. Just join in on your computer. You don’t have to get dressed or even brush your teeth – just go to this site http://aa-intergroup.org/.

There are other support groups that are not 12-step based. I don’t have any links to those at this moment, but would welcome any to contact me via e-mail so I may post the info on my blog.

The question of detox is difficult to answer. It is my opinion – and only an opinion – that detox should never be done at home. However, if you are only drinking a couple of shots a day and don’t have the shakes if you go a day without – maybe you can just quit. If I were an alcoholic and I wanted to detox, I would not do at home without consulting a medical professional.

Today I’m going to set up a place on my blog that supports alcoholics looking for help. It is my way of doing what I can. Is anyone else interested in joining me in this challenge?

No place like...

It is surprising how little medical doctors understand about alcoholism. Unless they attend special conferences, workshops, etc., they only receive about a week’s indoctrination into the world of alcoholism. To any doctors out there who specialize in alcoholism – please let me know if I’m correct or not. I’ve been looking for a doctor to write a post and give me a doctor’s perspective on end-stage alcoholism. Anyway…

Those of us dealing with the disease on a daily basis can probably tell our family doctors a thing or two about life with alcoholism. One thing I’ve found in writing these posts is that caretaking an end-stage or even mid-stage alcoholic is an educational experience. Even though we seem to be pushed aside, dismissed without acknowledgment, the truth is we know things – important things. The trick is learning how to have a strong vocal presence. Most of us are not bitches or bastards. We are not assholes. We are not wimps. But we need to learn to use all those traits to get us what we need – not what we want – what we need.

In this case, one of my readers is questioning her doctor’s decision to let her alcoholic husband detox at home. The doctor wants to prescribe the alcoholic Librium and visit him daily. After reading my page “The Truth About Detox,” the wife is not so sure it’s a good idea.

Librium is often used to aid alcohol withdrawal. It helps the brain’s ability to release a natural calming agent that is present in all our brains. The drug is a tranquilizer with a sedative effect. It is used to reduce anxiety, halt seizures, muscle relaxation, and as an aid to sleep.  Librium is used in alcohol withdrawal to reduce the unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. It is a controlled substance and is addictive in certain circumstances.

My reader is right – in my opinion – it’s NEVER a good idea to do a home detox. Of course, it depends on the amount of daily consumption, how long the drinking has been going on, how many times the alcoholic has detoxed before, and the physical condition. There are a lot of variables. I wonder if the doctor has asked these questions. And I wonder who gave the answers – the non-alcoholic or the alcoholic. The alcoholic will lie and the doctor will not get a clear picture of the situation. The non-alcoholic is the most reliable source for information.

Having been though many detox experiences with Riley, I can tell you that emotionally it’s harder on the bystanders than it is on the alcoholic. Whatever happens, the alcoholic will most likely not remember any of it. The non-alcoholic must come to terms with the things they hear and the abuse they receive while trying to make the alcoholic as comfortable as possible. I heard over and over again how Riley hated his children; was never sexually satisfied with me and regrets marrying me; thought both his and my parents were selfish; and the list goes on. It really doesn’t matter if he means them or not. The words are out there and no matter how much we tell ourselves that it was not the person we loved saying those things, the words hurt. Rationalizing that it was the alcohol doesn’t ease the sting. AND the alcoholic WILL NOT remember it.

Delirium Tremens (DTs) will start about 3-5days after removal of the alcohol. Riley had drugs that kept him calm or sedated during this time. But when he was awake, he imagined spiders and scorpions crawling over his bed covers. He thought aliens and spies were watching him and that the IV bags were filling him with truth serum. He had no idea where he was, who he was, who his visitors were, what year it was. It was painful to observe. I’ve learned, after several episodes, that Riley’s detox is best for me if I am not present until after this period has passed. I did not create the situation. I am not responsible for the results. I will protect myself from the abuse that may ensue by trusting the medical personnel to do what is best for him. I use this time to recharge my own batteries. And, he will remember NONE of it.

When Riley detoxed, he had IV bags and monitors. He had a nurse check on him constantly. A nurse changed his diaper and gave him sponge baths. A lab tech took his blood and urine for testing daily. Every vital part of his bodily functions were monitored. Who will do this if the detox is in a home environment? Is this to be the role the wife/husband plays? If so, how unfair is it to put them in that position? To me – it would be the ultimate slap in the face.

A detox can change direction in a second. What seems to be going along just fine, with all the proper dispelling of the alcoholic toxins, can suddenly turn into a heart attack or a stroke. What if the alcoholic slips into a coma? What if he comes through the whole ordeal just fine and the family discovers he’s been in a black out for years and has no memory of a child being born or the death of a parent that took place during those lost years.

So, to answer my reader’s question – I would not ever have Riley detox in my house without around the clock, 24/7, nurses and daily lab tech visits besides having the doctor make a house call everyday. I am not qualified for the task. Although I am a caretaker, I am not a nurse. I am a wife.

This reader is in the UK and I welcome any of my UK readers to comment with suggestions or alternatives for her. In the US, we have a plethora of centers that provide medically supervised detox. However, Riley is so advanced and has had so many near-fatal detox episodes, he can only detox in the intensive care unit of a real hospital – if I could find one that would be willing to accept the risk – which is unlikely.

In my opinion, this reader must find that strong vocal presence and direct her concerns to the doctor. Speak up. Insist that you not be put into the position of being the nurse. Don’t worry about appearing to be a bitch – if you believe your alcoholic needs hospitalization – be a bitch until you get what you need. So what if not being able to be his nurse makes you appear wimpy. Is there really any reason for you to be strong enough for the task?

You are not to blame for the alcoholism. You didn’t cause it. You are not responsible for the results. Why should you put yourself in that position if there are other options? What about what you need to aid in your own recovery? While he’s detoxing, why shouldn’t you be allowed to take care of yourself and yourself alone? Who knows when the opportunity will present itself again?

There truly is no place like home. But for detox there is no place like the hospital.