He's the sick one -- not me...

I believe that anyone who is in an emotional arm’s distance from any alcoholic/addict needs to find recovery just as much as the one who has the focus of our attention. That’s just it right there – the one who has the focus of our attention. What about turning some of that attention on you -- the caretaker?

As we get drawn into this world of “keeping things going” we often lose sight of our own needs and happiness. We must put ourselves at a lower priority level because we have no idea what is going to happen next in our homes as a result of the alcoholic’s brain damaged stupidity. We are always on alert. We must pay attention to them – the alcoholic, kids, parents, siblings, neighbors, friends, co-workers – we must be aware of what they are doing, thinking, seeing. I’m tired just thinking about it all.

Detachment is the best way to survive life in an alcoholic home. It sounds like a dirty word, but all it really means is to take care of your own self. As long as you are constantly worrying about what the alcoholic is doing to everyone else and to himself, you might forget to so things that make you happy.

And – what DOES make you happy?? Do you even know what makes you happy? Have you forgotten what makes you smile? I preach all the time (to anyone who will listen) to find your passion. Find that one  thing that you love doing and then do it.

I know what you are thinking “I love to do “X”, but I just don’t have the time or the money.” If it is truly your passion you will find a way to be involved somehow. Love to read – volunteer at the local library. Love animals – volunteer at the animal shelter. Love to cook – volunteer at your local soup kitchen. There are lots of ways to do things you love that won’t cost you anything and just might help someone else in the process.

If you have the funds available and you like doing things like, horseback riding, spa days, etc, then set aside one day, or at least a half day, where you can do what you want without interruption from anyone who makes your life difficult. If you need someone to baby-sit, find one and pay them well to show how much you appreciate that person.

I recently interviewed Mary Gordon at the Betty Ford Center. She heads up the family program and they have a good one. This is a week long program which covers the medical aspects of alcoholism, learning how to deal with the stress of living with an alcoholic, finding yourself in the chaos, learning to accept and let go by grieving your loss and moving on, and, creating a plan. Basically, the center covers just about everything I would want to know if I were a participant.

Mary Gordon was articulate, informative, genuine, and patient, as I have a tendency to ramble and get off track. She said she would send me information and she did just that almost immediately. All of these things indicate to me that she represents an organization that is worthy of my time – and yours.

Betty Ford Center is in Southern California; however, there are locations that are affiliated with the center in locations through the United States. I’m not sure about other countries. The program of these other locations is the same, but the time frame may be different. For example, the program length in Southern California is 5 days – Monday through Friday – while in other locations it may be Thursday through Tuesday. No matter what the days, they will certainly be worthwhile.

You can watch a YouTube presentation with Mary Gordon at this web address:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EavC2UvHEos

To visit their website – go here -- www.bettyfordcenter.org

Someone once told me I was just as sick as Riley. This person didn’t mean to be derogatory, but rather they wanted to point out that my mental and physical health had deteriorated since I began taking care of him. That person was right. Since I started this journey I have had or now have, a heart attack, stroke, flu (twice), salmonella (twice), insomnia, weight gain, diabetes, and general feelings of malaise. Yes, I agree, I am not as healthy as I wish I were.

I should have gone to a place like Betty Ford when I first decided to take him back in. But I didn’t because I had been privileged enough to be a part of a military sponsored family program back in the 80’s. It was intense and extremely educational. Fortunately, I had retained much of what I had previously learned. But, still it took me a while to get on even footing.

What has saved me from insanity is writing this blog. Writing has always been a passion that I’ve had since childhood. Writing this blog has re-kindled my need to write because I just can’t NOT write. It is my passion. It has always been there, but work and the general business of living put in a box in my brain and ended up getting buried in the maze. Thanks to taking on this task with Riley, I’ve once again found the box and after opening it, the contents are flowing out like lava from a volcano.

Of course, it took me about a year to get to taking the cover off that box. If I had gone to the Betty Ford Center, maybe I would have opened the box long ago. I know that the health issues I have are easier to manage when I have an outlet for my frustration. There are things I can’t “un-do” like the heart attack and stroke, but I now do more to prevent them from reoccurring. When I feel the stress from Riley’s ridiculous-ness, I write it all down – I don’t always publish it – but I get it out and find some perspective.

You don’t have to be a writer – but do something that helps you relax and get back to being the person you know you really are. In the words of Bobby McFerrin – Don’t Worry Be Happy.

More simplification...

I’m not an expert… but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express once. But I doubt that it makes me an authority on anything other than room service. Certainly, I am not a medical professional. I have done some research and what I have come up with, I’m willing to share with you.

A few days ago I wrote about the liver. Today I’ll try to simplify the workings of the pancreas and kidneys. These are both vital organs and, it would seem to me, we should do everything in our power to keep them healthy and happy.

The pancreas has two functions, one is to supply enzymes that aid in digestion and the other is to regulate our blood sugar. It is located behind the stomach and is surrounded by the portal vein which is one way blood is supplied to the organ.

Enzymes important to digestion are produced in the pancreas and are released when food enters the stomach through the pancreatic duct. These enzymes juices are known as bile.

ALCOHOLIC PANCREATITIS

With excessive use of alcohol the bile ducts become block due to inflammation and other factors. The inflammation is similar to swelling around the opening which decreases the flow of bile. Just as in the liver, scarring in this duct can also block the flow. That, in turn, causes a build of up bile inside the liver creating high levels of bilirubin in the blood.

The unfortunate trait of the pancreas is that it is digestible by our bodies and the build up of bile causes the pancreas to start being digested. From the way I understand, our pancreas eats itself because it can’t get out to eat anything else.

Medical attention and a hospital stay may be necessary where the alcoholic’s condition can be monitored. But the only real solution to the self-digestion is for the alcoholic to stop and not resume alcohol consumption.

KIDNEY FUNCTION

Let us assume that Mr. Jones is an alcoholic and has been diagnosed with Cirrhosis and/or Chronic (which means it happens over and over again) Pancreatitis. Because of his condition other parts, or organs, of his body are going to be affected. Alcohol is a toxin that is being induced and circulated in the blood stream. The liver is not removing the toxins because the ducts are closed and the blood cannot enter the organ. Also the pancreas is not breaking down the sugars or regulating his glucose because it’s busy feasting on itself. So – the toxins are taking a journey through his body’s internal super-highways.

One stop on this highway is the kidneys. Within less than a half-hour of consumption, alcohol produces the need to urinate. The more alcohol consumed the more trips Mr. Jones takes to the men’s room. All this bathroom activity is diluting the amount of fluid in the body. Mr. Jones can actually become dehydrated from all the booze he is drinking. It seems like a contradiction that he is drinking fluid and yet doesn’t have enough in his body.

Since Mr. Jones has been diagnosed with Cirrhosis, he has a tendency to retain salt. This causes a progressive accumulation of fluid which ends up in the abdominal cavity. In a quick glance at Mr. Jones, one would think he might be pregnant. The truth is his abdomen has so much fluid that he appears to be pregnant or have a “beer belly”. This accumulation is called “ascites.” This accumulation can continue to other parts of the body such as legs and arms.

All of this fluid in the empty spaces of Mr. Jones body may create many other complications, such as pressure on the heart. A heart attack may be the end result.

So now, Mr. Jones has blood that is heavy on toxins and his body is undue stress from the fluid build up. In my opinion, it’s time for Mr. Jones to take a cold hard look at what his alcoholism has done to his physical well-being and admit himself to a detox and rehab center.

An extreme simplification...

         I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who has purchased The WORKBOOK for CARETAKERS of END-STAGE ALCOHOLICS. The proceeds of the workbook will help fund my trip to the National Advisory Council on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism meeting in Washington DC and other alcoholism related conferences and workshops. Without the proceeds of this book, I would probably not be able to afford to attend any of them. Again – thank you and don’t forget to recommend it to anyone you know who deals with alcoholism.

            The workbook will help you determine the overall condition of your alcoholic, but there are things that it doesn’t cover because to get it all in the volume would be daunting.

            The complications of alcoholism to our organs cause them to function incorrectly or not at all. Each of our body’s organs has a purpose. They are not in there just to fill an empty space like cha-chi’s on the mantel. Every part of our body is used to provide us with the nutrition and oxygen that are vital to our existence.

            The most common organ, and the one that gets the most attention, is the liver. Everyone who has been around an alcoholic knows that alcohol damages the liver. But, do you understand why and how it leads to other complications?

The liver is located in the upper right-hand portion of the abdominal cavity just above the stomach. The liver is supplied blood through the hepatic artery and hepatic portal vein. (“Hepatic” is another word for liver.) All of our body’s blood flows through the liver at some point in time.

            A simplified version of the sequence of digestion is that the stomach digests our food creating blood. The blood goes through the liver where it is “cleansed” by breaking down the fat particles and removing drugs and other toxins. The liver also converts ammonia to urea which ends up in our toilets. It does other things, but these are the most relevant to my explanation.

CIRRHOSIS

With the consumption of large quantities of alcohol, the liver cannot cleanse all the toxic substances and creates scarred tissue. The damaged tissue blocks the flow of blood through the portal vein which carries blood from the intestines to the liver. The more scar tissue created the less blood the liver can process. If the liver doesn’t function properly, the affect will be more blood containing toxins, such as plasma ammonia, not being eliminated and then sent on through every part of the body.

Some of these toxins are carried to the brain and deposited in the frontal lobe.

Try to think of it this way – Let’s say you have a farm and on this farm you have some chickens. You are new to the chicken raising thing and don’t know how many eggs you can expect from each chicken. You go out and find the chickens have laid more than a dozen eggs, but your refrigerator only has space for eight. You find a bowl and put the eggs in it and place the bowl in the refrigerator. You think to yourself, you’ll use the eggs in the tray first and move them from the bowl to the tray as space permits. You didn’t anticipate that there would be another dozen eggs the next day. So you put another bowl in the refrigerator. This happens everyday until there is no longer any room for the milk or butter. The eggs have taken over the entire refrigeration.

            It’s the same way in the frontal lobe of the brain. The toxins just keep getting put in there because there’s no place else for them to go. OK – I know – that’s really a very, I mean, VERY, simplified version. Because things get worse as the brain gets overloaded and eventuall the toxins will put out a “no vacancy” sign thereby sending more and more of them back through the body until they can find a home.

As the liver damage increases other diseases develop. The kidneys (also blood cleaners) have to work harder and harder and eventually give up from pure exhaustion.

Everything under the skin is affected because the body is poisoned from all the toxins that now live where healthy blood and organs used to reside.

The liver is a miraculous organ because it can regenerate some potions of itself if the alcoholic ceases ingesting alcohol permanently. However, the scarring will remain and each time alcohol consumption resumes the less time is required for additional scarring to begin.

It's a dog's life...

My daughter, Alea, celebrated her birthday this week and she choose to celebrate by spending a few days out here in the country. We went to one of my favorite restaurants and she ordered their scrumptious lobster ravioli. I had a combo plate of crab cakes, scallops, shrimp and oysters. The plan was to eat off each others plate – something we almost always do.

I knew I wouldn’t want to cook when we got back home, so I ordered up a plate of lobster ravioli and some calamari for Riley. He had been consistently bugging me for seafood and I thought this was a good way to satisfy his taste buds.

When we got back home, I fixed him a plate that contained a combination of his order mixed with what was in my “doggie box.” I looked at the plate and thought – “Damn that looks good!” I knew he was going to love it.

I presented the plate to him and placed it on his chair side TV tray. I added a salad and a fresh drink. He was set. I asked if there was anything else he wanted or needed. He told me it looked wonderful and there was nothing else he needed.

Alea and I settled into the sofas in the living room and started watching a movie. It had just begun when I went to the kitchen to get something. As I passed by Riley’s chair, I noticed his plate was licked absolutely, shiny clean. That’s unusual because he only eats a couple of bites at a time and leaves the rest for his many ventures to the kitchen in the middle of the night. Normally, I get up in the morning to find his dinner plate on the counter almost as it was when I first prepared it -- except in the morning it will have a roach or two crawling around on it. (The roach problem is still not totally resolved.) He picks at it through the day in spite of the bugs.

“How many ravioli did you actually eat?” I asked.

“A few,” he replied. “But I had some help.”

“So did you let Jade eat your dinner?”

“Well… she wanted it.” Riley remarked.

I wish I were Jade. It seems that Jade should have anything she wants. So if I were Jade, I would have fresh live Maine whole stuffed lobster at least twice a week. There would be huge stuffed baked potatoes, fresh asparagus with hollandaise, deep fried artichoke hearts with a garlic mayo, clams casino and oysters Rockefeller. Let’s throw in there a really good mocha mousse. I would have to let Riley have a couple bites – but essentially the meal would be mine alone. It’s a rough life for a dog named Jade.

The next day, I became aware that Jade has become Riley’s master. She barks at her food dish and he refills it. She scratches at the door and he gets up to let her out. After just a few minutes, she barks at the back door and Riley lets her in. When she drops a ball at his feet and he throws it down the hall. She rolls on her back and he reaches down to scratch her tummy. When he takes a nap, she crawls onto the bed next to him. The cycle is repeated more than a dozen times during the day. There are no specific times for feeding or anything else for that matter. It’s just on Jade’s whim. Riley’s life is subservient to Jade.

My Jax, the Max Catx, on the other hand has a routine. If it isn’t cold, he stays out all night and comes to my bedroom when he sees I’ve turned on my bedside lamp. Then I let him in through the window as I’m on my way to the bathroom. Jax follows me to the laundry room just off my office, jumps up on the dryer and meows while looking at the cupboard that holds his food cans. I open a can and transfer the contents to his bowl. When he’s done eating, he lies just inside my office door and takes a bath while I go to work on my computer. He usually wants to go out again just before I have lunch, but he doesn’t stay out very long. So by the time I’m done fixing my plate – he wants back in and I oblige him entry. I don’t really hear from him again until close to dinner time when he wants two things – to be fed and let outside. He doesn’t require a lot of attention and he has very few needs. Unlike Jade, he manages just fine on his own. My relationship with Jax is more of a compatible partnership.

I do love Jade – really – I do. But, I already have a person who depends on me for every single aspect of his life. I worry about what I will do about Jade when Riley is gone. I don’t want to devote the time to her that Riley does. But then, I don’t want to give her to someone else because I fear they will not take her to the groomers or buy her the best food or let her sleep inside at night.

It is unfortunate that Jade may have to learn a whole new way of life when Riley departs for alcohol heaven. But, I know that to keep her in my life, she will need to learn manners that, so far, she has been able to avoid.

After having written my post about “My name is Jade…” I have been far more understanding and compassionate with her. I’m not as quick to scold and for the most part have essentially backed off from trying to get her to be a “good girl.” But there will come a time when she will have to abide by my rules. There should be an “or else” in there – but I’m not sure what it is.

In the meantime, I just have to learn to accept that Riley has no qualms about feeding her a more than $20 plate of seafood whenever it’s available. After all, it was his food and his choice. That makes it his loss.

As for me and Alea – we can’t wait to get back to that restaurant for more lobster!

Why don't I just...

I welcome everyone’s comments even it they may be a bit hostile or negative. Each of us has a right to an opinion and a right to voice that opinion. In fact, one commenter says I’m a “sick f***” and that I would drive a person to drink if they weren’t already an alcoholic. So this post is dedicated to all those who think end-stage caretaking is a form of amusing entertainment for sadistic Nurse Nancy’s and bitter spouses.

Why don’t I just… put Riley in a long-term care treatment facility?

No matter how sick a person is if he is not declared incompetent, that person cannot be forced into any alcohol treatment facility. Even then, most of those types of facilities would not accept an individual that has been forced in a facility through an incompetency hearing. Recovery just doesn’t work that way.

As for a regular nursing, physical rehab or long term facility – they will not allow the consumption of alcoholic beverages on their grounds. They offer no detox care so they are not equipped to handle an end-stage alcoholic. Most end-stage alcoholics have been through the detox and rehab process many times with the end result being a return to drinking. Because of that statistic, it is extremely difficult to find even a rehab center that will take on a multi-relapse end-stage alcoholic. The reasons for that are that they want to invest their time in people who really desire sobriety and also to eliminate a risk of injury on their premises. After the last detox episode (when Riley had a stroke) there was no rehab facililty of ANY type that would accept Riley as a patient within a hundred miles of our local area. He was too big of a risk for a potentially fatal fall.

Why don’t I just… have him declared incompetent?

That’s not as easy as it sounds. Riley is incompetent to handle his own finances or any other legal matters. But, he is aware what a competency hearing is all about. He knows he is supposed to do to pay bills and buy groceries, etc. He has no ability to follow-through on those tasks and that is hard to prove. He often will appear to others as being perfectly capable of managing his own affairs. Outward appearances are deceiving and he has the ability to “pull the wool over the eyes” of medical professionals who are not truly trained in alcoholism.

Being an end-stage alcoholic is degrading enough all by itself. Having your spouse, parent, partner or whoever declare that you are incapable of the simplest things like choosing what you want to eat for dinner – is beyond degrading. It’s not my job to make him feel any worse about himself. He does that on his own.

I have full power of attorney which gives me the ability to act on his behalf over everything that is relevant. It’s all I need for now. I’m fortunate because Riley doesn’t usually cause me problems that would require court intervention. The only issue we don’t seem to be able to resolve is his desire to drive drunk.

Why don’t I just… let him drive?

OK. Well… now… that’s just a stupid question. Drunks should NEVER be allowed behind the wheel of a 4000 pound potential lethal battering ram. Anyone who has to ask that question is not someone I would want on the road when I’m running my errands.

Why don’t I just… pack him up and send him on his way?

I took on this task as a means of preventing my daughter or grandson from becoming Riley’s caretaker. If I sent him on his way – he would find his way into their homes and thereby create insanity in their lives. I am his legal spouse. He is my responsibility. Many years ago I took a vow that said something about “sickness and health.” This is the sickness part and I will stand by that vow.

If a family member were sick of some other disease – Leukemia, Alzheimer’s, Stroke, etc – I would not pack them up and send them on their way. I would do the best I could to provide a safe haven. Riley has suffered a stroke as a result of abusing alcohol; he can’t remember simple things like how to get a message off the answering machine or to remove a pan from a hot burner. If he lived on his own, how soon would it be before he burned down his house? I don’t know, but I’m not willing to take that risk.

He’s not my prisoner. He’s my sick husband who would not survive in the real world.

Why don’t I just… pick him up when he falls?

I’m an old lady who is not even five feet tall and I don’t have a lot of physical strength. Riley isn’t a huge guy, but when he falls he is like dead weight. He has no muscle mass and cannot (or will not) assist in any effort to get himself upright. Even my daughter has failed at attempts to pick him up after a fall. But, because he won’t “push” or “pull”, even she has stopped trying to come to his aid.

I could call 911 and the paramedics would race to my door and get him back into his chair. The problem is Riley falls multiple times during the day and I truly believe the EMT’s might have people who are in urgent need of assistance. Someday, I’m going to need them to come running – quickly – so I don’t want to be the little girl who cried wolf.

Why don’t I just… make him use a walker or wheelchair?

Using a cane, wheelchair or walker, in Riley’s opinion, is an indication that he is old or not physically fit. In Riley’s mind, he is perfectly fit and is young. He mocks the seniors at the local senior center and laughs at the frailties of the aged. He wants no part of anything that would make him appear to be more “seasoned” than he wants to be.

In order to use any devices that would aid in his mobility, he would need some upper body or arm strength. Riley has no muscle strength from which to draw.

Why don’t I just… make him wear a diaper?

See the above answer. Same thing applies here. Diapers are for babies and old people.

Why don’t I just… stop buying him booze?

Taking away Riley’s alcohol would throw him into a self-induced detox which could be fatal. Detoxing without medical supervision is extremely dangers and it becomes more dangerous each time it happens.

By the count of the centers listed in the workbook that I keep on Riley, he’s been through five – FIVE – medically supervised detox experiences. Each one was worse than the last in terms of the actual process causing seizures and strokes. None of the detox sessions ever led to long-term sobriety. After the last hospital stay, I promised Riley I would never push him into detox again. I do, however, encourage him and ask him if he wants to go. But, I don’t insist and I don’t push.

Why don’t I just… take him to AA or get him some help?

For Riley, AA is just a social activity. He would go all the time if they would just stop harping on the drinking thing. Because they don’t stop, he won’t go. He knows there is help there. He was very active in AA for many years, but now he just wants nothing to do with the “brainwashing” of any 12 step program.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. It’s the same way with alcoholics and counseling. While I think it would be one of the best ways for an alcoholic to recover, it requires pure, unbridled honesty. Most active alcohols are incapable of being completely honest. Many drink to cover their true feelings. I think it’s unrealistic to expect a counselor to take on the impossible of task of getting a drunk to tell how he/she really feels.

Why don’t I just… stop laughing at him?

I don’t really laugh AT him. I laugh at the circumstance. I laugh at the absurdity of the situation. I laugh at the comedy of errors. Many times, Riley joins me in the laughter. Most times, he doesn’t even know or understand that what he is doing is laughable. He just goes about his business.

I laugh because I don’t want to cry. Those tears were spent many years ago and what did I gain from that? NOTHING. If I do not laugh, Riley will become a burden to heavy for me to bear. I would crumble under that weight and that would defeat my purpose

It's finally ready...

FINALLY!!!

Hot Off The Presses!!!

The Workbook

for

Caretakers

of

End-Stage Alcoholics

by

Linda Jane Riley

This workbook is comprehensive, information packed guide that provides aid in every step of caretaking an end-stage alcoholic. Although the focus is on end-stage, it can be used at any stage of caretaking and any type of medical situation.

Use the workbook to track the general overall condition as well as specific areas, such as liver function. The charts and graphs make improvement and decline easy to visualize for both the medical personnel and caretaker.

Also included is a section on legal issues, such as Living Wills and Power of Attorney.

Get your copy today!!

Simply click the

BUY NOW

button in the right sidebar under Workbook for Caretakers of End-Stage Alcoholics

THIS IS WHAT'S INSIDE:

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Welcome to the Workbook for Caretakers of End Stage Alcoholics
Disclaimer
My Simplified Story
How to Use the Workbook
How to use as a hard copy
How to use from your desktop
How to take advantage of this workbook
A bit about the medical community
If you don’t have insurance
What to Expect
The Caretakers Chores
Tips for Maintaining Sanity
Basic Information
General Medical History
Current or On-Going Conditions
Resolved Conditions
Family History
Vital Signs and Current Conditions
Lab Results
General Lab Work
Liver Function Tests
MELD Score
Child-Pugh Score
Sample Lab Report
Sample MELD and Child-Pugh Calculation Charts
Detoxification History Record
Rehabilitation History Record
Summary of Condition
Example of Overall Condition Report
Legal Stuff
The Advance Medical Directive
The Living Will
Durable Power of Attorney
The Limited Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care
It’s Just My Opinion
Samples of Legal Stuff
Websites and References

If you should have any issue with downloading the book or using the book – please send me an e-mail immediately at immortalalcoholic@gmail.com. Please put “download issue” in the subject line. I’m a beginner at e-books and still might be working out all the kinks.

My disclaimer...

It's the first of a New Year and now is a good time to reiterate what I am and what I am not:

The following is a list of things that I do NOT claim to be:

1.                  A medical professional in any capacity;

2.                  A counselor or social worker of any sort;

3.                  A legal professional at any level;

4.                  A representative of any rehabilitation center;

5.                  An employee of any pharmaceutical endeavor;

6.                  A member of any anti-alcohol organization;

7.                  An affiliate of any governmental agency.

The following is a list of all the things that I DO claim to be:

1.                  The wife of an end-stage alcoholic;

2.                  The mother of a child who died as a result of alcoholism;

3.                  The step-parent of entire family who died after being hit by a drunk-driver;

4.                  A member of a family that has had many addiction issues;

5.                  An advocate of safe driving and healthy living through responsible choices;

6.                  The author of The Immortal Alcohol blog, The Workbook for Caretakers of End-Stage Alcoholics, and The Buffalo Buzz Newsletter.

Drunk driving bitch...

As we approach the New Years Eve party extravaganza, I feel that driving need to talk about drunk driving – again.

I live in a “community property” state. That means whatever is his is hers and vice versa. If a divorce takes place the property can be slip right down the middle. Assets, such as houses and cars, are sold for the cash and then the cash is divided 50%-50%. The same thing goes for the bills. All the money is added up and each much pay half of the bill to close out the account. Of course, what most likely happens is that the couple comes to some kind of amicable agreement about who actually gets or pays for what. At least, that’s what normally happens if one part of the couple isn’t driven by greed or insanity.

Let’s do a hypothetical:

You’ve been married to your spouse, Jane, for 25 years and have never entertained the thought of getting a divorce. She’s a good wife, excellent mother and fabulous lover who understands you totally and completely. Boy – those marriages are rare – aren’t you a lucky guy!!

Jane works for a travel agency and she has just closed a deal that sold out the entire cruise ship for a famous cruise line. The revenue earned is in six figures. The whole office is elated and everyone wants to celebrate the good fortune. She calls you and says she will not be able to get home for dinner, but she’s ordered take-out to be delivered so you won’t have to worry. Wow! She thought about your needs and accommodated for not being able to fix dinner. She’s the best!

The entire office group piles in their individual cars and heads up the road to a four-star steakhouse and karaoke bar. A couple of Appletini’s get things loosened up and when dinner arrives, a couple of bottles of champagne are uncorked. Talk is flowing freely, passes are made, and how about a bottle of wine to go with the prime rib? Oh – there are so many of us – we need a couple bottles. Someone is having chicken, so that’s a bottle of white. A glass of brandy with dessert and then everyone heads to the bar for some nails-on-the-chalkboard singing of “You Light Up My Life”. 

Jane deserves to have a good time and she’s partaking in it all, the appltini’s, champagne, wine, brandy and a couple drinks to get up enough courage to go on stage. She knows she’s probably had too much to drink, so she starts ordering coffee. The steakhouse is not in the best neighborhood and she doesn’t want to leave her brand new Aviator in the parking lot. She thinks if she just sits and drinks coffee for a while she’ll be fine to drive home and thereby avoid leaving her car and taking a taxi.

Just before Jane leaves the bar, she calls you to tell you she’s on her way home. You tell her, NO. Wait there, you’ll come get ner. But she insists she’s OK to drive and for you not to worry. She sounded fine, so you give in to her wishes.

An hour later, and after much flirting with the Daniel Craig-ish bartender, Jane gets into her Aviator and drives a few blocks when it happens. Jane runs a red light and slams into the driver side of a car from the cross street. She is not injured and runs from the car to help the driver from the other car. There is blood everywhere and the driver is moaning in pain. Jane calls 911 who responds quickly to her call.

Jane is arrested and taken to jail for drunk driving. The injured driver dies on the way to the hospital while Jane, in her neat little three-piece suit, primly waits inside a cell, for you to bail her out. She is stoic and remorseful that she has caused so much damage from her night of libations. But, she has never been in trouble before and isn’t sure what exactly to expect.

Fast-forward to months down the road, Jane has been to court, fined, put on probation and is moving on with her life. You’ve discovered that Jane was having an affair with the bartender at the steakhouse and you’ve filed for divorce. You are also moving on with your life. You have custody of the kids and your family home. You’ve just taken a very well paying job and look forward to vacations with the kids on the beaches of Cabo San Lucas.

But wait --- the family of the injured driver has filed a suit against Jane and her “estate” for damages resulting from the death of the driver. You think this is a hard blow for Jane, but it really has nothing to do with you even though you are also named in the suit. Jane has next to nothing in her estate to give the family of the dead driver and the two of you go to court.

The judge sits up on his high bench and you can’t believe what you are hearing. You live in a community property state and the “estate” includes everything you both own jointly and separately while you were married. The accident happened before a divorce was obtained, so you are also liable for the expenses incurred as well as Jane. The court orders a judgment in the amount of millions and you sit in amazement as you realize that you and Jane, together, must come up with this money. Your life will never, ever, be the same. Financially, you are destroyed.

Jane, your wonderfully loving and considerate wife, turned drunken adulteress, has taken your idyllic life from you and you must PAY for it. Life truly sucks.

Back to reality –

This is New Year’s Eve coming up here – like soon. Maybe it’s time to start planning on protecting yourself for the possible outfall of a night of celebrating the forthcoming fresh New Year. I’m well aware that I’m suggesting that you do what is nearly impossible to achieve. I’m suggesting that you find a way to keep the alcoholic in your life from getting behind that wheel and ruining the lives of many people – your life included.

I’m fortunate that I don’t have to worry about Riley driving. I’m a bitch about the whole car issue. I refuse to get his car registered or make it drivable. But, if he did have access to a car, I would probably be enough of a bitch to keep it from moving out of my driveway. One of the tires would mysteriously go flat, or the keys would be missing, or maybe I’d remove a couple of fuses.

I once read where a woman made one of those magnetic signs and put it on the back of her husband’s car -- just above the license plate. It read – “I’m a drunk driver. Please call 911 and stop me from killing someone.” It was in big letters and very noticeable if you just happened to be sitting at a light behind this car. Her husband drove an SUV and he never thought to look at the back of the car before leaving the house.

When the husband got out of jail, he reveled in telling all his friends about what a bitch his wife was to put that sign there and cause him to get arrested.

Her response – “I am proud to be a bitch and we are both lucky that you’ve taught me how to be one.”