Insanity at sunrise...

I spent three days in the Outer Banks visiting my grandson’s family. I was supposedly making the visit to help them move into their new house. I DID help with putting things away and watching after the babies while they did the really hard stuff. But, spending the time with my great-grandchildren was helping me far more than helping my grandson.

On the morning of the second day, I woke up and found out Riley had called me seven times during the night. I called him to ask what was wrong. He just wanted to tell me that Jax was almost out of food and that I needed to buy some more Diet Coke. Ohhh… OK… I reminded him I would be stopping at the grocery store on my way home. There were many more calls during my visit and each one was about some mundane thing that amounted to nothing.

I returned home late Tuesday afternoon. Riley asked if he could unload the car for me and I told him, NO. I would take care of the car. I had brought in his vodka and the cat food. There was nothing in the car that couldn’t wait until the windy rain stopped – even if that were a day or so.

Riley wanted chili dogs for dinner, but I knew I would not feel like cooking so I had picked up some Chinese take-out. I knew it wasn’t chili dogs and that could be a problem, but we hadn’t had Chinese food in a long time. Besides I got him a dish that had lobster in it, so he would probably like that. As soon as I had gotten in the house and took my bag to my room, I got started on fixing his plate. He liked the idea of the take-out and I thought to myself, “Good. I won’t get any flack from not fixing chili dogs.”

The next morning Riley joined me in my office as he usually does. If I’m lucky we will have a relatively decent conversation before the insanity kicks in. But, I was wrong. Insanity was already there staring at me from across the desktop.

The minute he sat down, Riley asked how our money was. I told him I hadn’t checked the bank account yet, but was sure everything was fine. I let him know that I bought groceries for the kids and a few odds and ends they needed for the new house. He seemed to think that was a good idea. I thought the money subject was covered and I could go on to other things – like writing my blog post and working on the website. And I did just that. Riley left the office and I thought he had gone back to bed.

It was just about 30 minutes later when he returned to the office and asked if I had checked the money. I figured he just didn’t remember what I had told him previously. I reiterated everything I told him earlier. He seemed satisfied with my answer and went back to his room. But, he returned again and told me I had to check the money.

My first thought was, he must have spent some money and didn’t tell me. He must have figured out how to get into the account or use the debit card. Something was up. I went to the bank account and everything was just as I had said – it was fine. No weird expenditures. No unexpected debits or credits. I informed Riley how much was in the account and that everything was fine. Once again, I thought I could get back to my day.

Next up on Riley’s agenda was why I hadn’t gotten dressed yet. I was still in my big T-Shirt and was comfortable. I saw no need for to get out of my comfort zone before 10:00 AM and if I didn’t get dressed at all – so what? I told Riley that I had decided that I wasn’t going to do anything at all today except rest. I knew that he was not going to leave me alone long enough to get any work done. But, he didn’t like that. He wanted me to get dressed. Instead I went to my room and shut the door. I needed to get away from him for a while.

About an hour later, Riley was sitting at his computer when I opened the door to my room. I was met by the neighbor’s dog – in the hallway of my house! When I looked outside I saw the front passenger car door standing open. WHAT??!! I shooed the dog out and closed the car door.

It was time for Riley and I to have a sit-down. I asked him to join me in the office and he complied. I asked what was going on. He looked at me in confusion. He said I needed to get dressed and everything had to be brought in from the car – NOW! He was yelling at me that things needed to be done NOW. Dinner had to be decided on. Grocery needed to be bought. The frig needed to be cleaned out. My laundry needed to be put away. WAIT A MINUTE!! He is not to EVER do my laundry. He just wanted to help. He didn’t understand why that was so upsetting to me. I cringed and told him there was “nothing that needed to be done that couldn’t be done later.” Nothing was that extremely important. He countered me and then asked – “Why are you so angry with me???”

Then it hit me. It was the 18^th of January. It was Riley’s self-imposed deadline date for getting the car registered or he would have all the direct deposits stopped. I tried to be evasive while attempting to get him to say what he really wanted. When he said that there were errands to be run, I asked what errands?? He informed me that the car had to be registered today. I told him it was not in his best interests to have the car registered. A gigantic round robin discussion ensued, ending with me picking up the phone and calling the Sherriff’s department. I put the call on speaker and asked Riley what his intentions were with the car after it was registered. He clearly told the officer that he was intending to drive the car – drunk or sober. He stated he did not care about the other people on the road. He said that if drunk driving was such a big deal, he would have been given a lot more tickets, since he had only gotten ONE in the past ten years.

The officer told me to take him off speaker and so he could talk to me privately. He told me I needed to have Riley committed as being a danger to other people. He would be put in a 72-hour evaluation and then forced into rehab. I thanked him for his advice, but explained that at Riley’s stage a non-medically supervised detox would be paramount to a death sentence for him. I also told him, he had been declined admission to all the rehab facilities and nursing homes in a 200 mile radius. The officer told me he understood my frustration and to please call if I needed someone to come out and offer assistance.

Riley didn’t leave it at that. My frustration was growing and he knew it. So he pushed some more. I felt a constant bombardment by Riley of what I thought I should be doing and asking over and over – why I was so angry with him. He stated that he was just trying to take care of business and make things easier for me. He couldn’t keep the neighbor’s dog out of the house and left the door open when he was “helping” me get the car emptied. He was being considerate by doing my laundry. He was just trying to keep things on track by reminding me of the things that needed to be done.

When I had been pushed to my limit I screamed at him to leave me alone!! That’s when he told me I was crazy. And that’s when I knew exactly what was happening.

Riley was angry that I had been gone over the weekend. He wanted my undivided attention. And since he was not one to lie on the floor and kick his feet – he used passive aggression to make his point. He does it all the time – I don’t know why it took me so long to recognize it. He will push me by doing things he knows I don’t want him to do and when I finally lose my temper, he looks at me in amazement like my head is spinning around while perched on my neck. Then, he is never to blame for anything because he is always calm and never raises his voice.

I told him I would be spending the rest of the day and night in my room and to not bother me for anything even if the house were burning down. I told him to heat up the left over take out and closed the door behind me. That’s where I stayed until this morning.

It’s quiet. He’s still asleep and I can get this written before the insanity begins again. I’m back to day one of this blog – insanity is only a few minutes past sunrise.

Riley "hearts" Riley...

Occasionally, there is some truth that comes out of Riley’s arguments and attempts at getting me to see his point of view. Today it was that he doesn’t believe that his womanizing or drinking has ever been a real problem for him. The fact that it has destroyed two marriages and ended many potentially great relationships has no bearing on anything to him. He states that was not his problem, but the problem of the women in his life. It was their problem because they would not have the advantage of his companionship or sexual prowess. Hummm… it must be that big d***k thing again.

He went on to tell me that he has NO moral values as far as women or sex is concerned. He felt that it is almost an obligation to have sex with any woman who would want to participate in that activity with him. He says he would not, could not, did not, or ever want to say NO to any woman if she said she was interested. For him, friendship with a woman must be sexual. He has no interest in any woman he isn’t having sex with or if there is no potential for sex. In fact, he really doesn’t like women very much – just the sex part of it. That explains a lot.

I asked if he felt a sense of loss for not having these women in his life. His answer was it was their loss and not his.

Per Wikipedia, Riley is displays classic narcissistic traits:

NARCISSISM – An unrealistic sense of superiority; pursues power at all costs, lacks normal inhibitions in its pursuit; Concerns limited to expressing socially appropriate response when convenient; devalues and exploits others without remorse; lacks values; easily bored; often changes courses.

Well… there you have it. I’m disturbed that I loved this man for so many years and never saw these traits until late in our marriage. He must have lied to me every single day when he said he loved me. Did he lie to me when he wrote those incredibly beautiful love letters during those long deployments? I just don’t know and I don’t think I want to know if the answer is YES, he did lie.

I know just about the exact time frame when Riley began drinking alcoholicly. It was just about the time when we began having some difficulty in our relationship. What had once been easy and genuine became difficult and suspect. I remember my mother telling me that I must work harder at the marriage if I wanted to keep him around. I remember being told that marriage was not a 50/50 partnership, but rather a 70/30.

I listened and I tried harder. I would strive to be a better wife, lover, companion, mother and anything else I thought he needed me to be. I tried to be more accepting, more open-minded, but it only caused me to be upset with myself because I was going against my own value system. Riley had friends that I did not care for, yet I extended my hand in friendship over and over again while knowing these friends did not really like me. I waited for Riley to do the “right thing” and admit that he didn’t want me in his life.

He never admitted that to me. He kept me hanging on by making small changes and trying to placate me. But in reality, all his attempts at “working” on our marriage were just more ways of lying to me and keeping me around because I was a guarantee of sexual satisfaction.

When Riley was forced into retirement by the Navy, he finally confessed that our marriage was not really about love and commitment, but rather about necessity. He portrayed a better image as a married man with a family than he did as a single man. It made it easier for him to bed down his friend’s wives who shared his moral values. He could easily take time off work because his wife or child was sick, had an appointment or some other fabricated need. He further explained that he liked having sex with me and he knew he could have sex whenever he desired just by keeping me in the same residence.  The day that I told Riley I wanted out was the happiest day of his life because without the Navy he had no real need for me.

I’m very sure that most of what he said was true. But, I am totally convinced that it was not that way from the start. I believe Riley loved me deeply at the start and for many years after we solidified our relationship. But, I also believe that the alcohol damaged him and altered his way of thinking into one of a narcissistic ass. He is – in fact – brain damaged. Maybe he was always narcissistic, but it just wasn’t as obvious.

I feel sorry for Riley. I have known the joy of love so strong and so unconditional that even a separation from the person cannot diminish the feeling. I have loved enough to let someone go in spite of how much I wanted him to stay. Riley, I believe, has never had that feeling. In spite of the fact that at one time, I believe, he loved me deeply, he has never experienced the reward of putting someone’s needs above his own. Oh – there are little bits of and pieces of it. But, there was never anything major.

I hold on to the bits and pieces in my memory because to do otherwise is just too painful. I promised to stand by Riley in better or worse – this has been the worst. The trick is holding onto the good memories of a sober loving man while dismissing the narcissistic babbling of a brain damaged alcoholic.

My advice for other wives in my position – just keep repeating the mantra – he is brain damaged.

It's MY money...

This morning Riley came into my office, much the same as he does every other morning, and we started having our usual rational conversation. Things were going well. We were talking about upgrading him to a real twin bed rather than the twin sized futon he has always preferred sleeping on. Jade sleeps with him and the cot sized mattress is just too small for the two of them. The discussion went on to how to re-arrange his room to accommodate the larger bed. Like most houses build in the early 60s, the bedrooms are on the small side and furniture arrangement must be thought out to make the most of the space available.

I thought he was actually WITH me. We drew a little picture of his floor plan and showed how we both thought the room would be sit up the best. Riley likes to be able to see out the window first thing when he opens his eyes. That’s important to him. And he has to have a desk for his computer and writing.

As I was drawing little pieces of furniture on the paper, he said that it would all be a moot point if I didn’t get his car registered so he could have transportation. I kinda shook my head and asked what transportation had to do with his room arrangement. I wasn’t even really paying that much attention to him. When the words came out of my mouth, I knew I had lit a fire that would not easily be extinguished.

If the car is not registered by January 18^th, he will stop all his direct deposits, collect his checks and move out. Of course, that started the round of me trying to make him see logic. Even us caretakers who know the ropes have a tendency to hold onto a shred of hope that somehow we can reach that part of the brain that houses logic and reason. I should have just said OK and let it go. But… NooOOooo… I didn’t shut up so the argument continued for more than an hour.

This is not the first time this month that Riley has threatened me with not financially participating in our household expenses. It’s been happening more and more often. Because of that, I think now may be the time to seek a court ordered competency determination. I wasn’t sure how to do it, but I knew what I wanted the end result to be.

1)                  Not let him have control of his money so that I could continue to keep him in this house where he would be safe, warm, comfortable and supervised.

2)                  The next thing was to keep him from having the car registered, thereby keeping him off the streets.

I did some research and I found that having someone declared incompetent in the state of North Carolina is really not as hard as I had thought.

First, I have to draft the petition for incompetency. Second, state the reasons why I think Riley is incompetent and why I’m seeking guardianship. Third, file the petition in the county courthouse. At that time a hearing will be scheduled within 30 days of service of the petition to Riley. He will have a right to obtain an attorney and/or request a jury trial. Fourth, present evidence and call witnesses supporting my allegations that Riley is incapable of taking care of himself or his business. Fifth, the judge or jury will determine whether or not Riley is competent.

This morning when Riley was arguing his point of view about driving, I made a video of the conversation. I have also taken pictures of the status of his bathroom and the results of his fall onto the fireplace. My housekeeper is willing to be a witness. I’ll spend the next 30 days preparing my evidence and gathering witnesses. It won’t be a very hard task. Riley makes it easy for me.

I'm also armed with my Workbook which shows each detox and rehab center and clearly indicates his physical condition. It will put everything in an order than can easily be understood.

It is unfortunate that it has come to this. But, maybe this will actually be the wake-up call that he needs. He is always saying that I’m the only one who feels that he can’t take care of himself. The fact that he has been told that by a couple of doctors and his brother, just doesn’t seem to be something he can accept. He truly believes he can live in drunken chaos and still be competent to take care of himself.

For some reason, I really think he’s fighting a battle that he cannot win. Sad – because he could win if he weren’t so intent on killing himself.

Alcohol releases endorphins...

ABC’s News 10 out of Sacramento, recently broadcast a piece about a research study being conducted as the University of California at San Francisco. This study shows that when a person takes a drink endorphins are released in the brain that make the drinker “feel good.” I can understand that and I’m not sure why this is a “new” thing. Haven’t we known all along that people drink to feel good – get high – have a buzz – party hardy??? So, for me, it is not a far leap to discover that there are endorphins released that make drinkers feel good when drinking.

You will find the link here:

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.news10.net%2Fnews%2Fcomments.aspx%3Fstoryid%3D172878%26fb_comment_id%3Dfbc_10150497276304892_22202395_10150499551369892&h=aAQHQhcH0AQHM2oMNH1kr-O6Oz7Jm-pMJzU9YJVos_v84vw

It seems that the researchers think this may be a step to aid in the reduction of alcoholism. That makes sense to me also. If drinking doesn’t produce those coveted feelings of goodness, then why drink at all? I think they may be on to something here – but only to a certain degree.

For the beginning drinker, if there were not so much pleasure in those first few drinks, then they may not succumb to binge drinking. I’m thinking of teen-agers and college students. If there was a vaccine that prevented them from deriving pleasure from drinking, would parents make sure they were given that injection before heading out to social events? Or even enrolling in college? I know I would have had my kids at the head of the line. Of course, if the vaccine destroyed ALL pleasure then it would not be acceptable.

But, for the seasoned drinker who is over the age of consent and has already been drinking for many years, I doubt they would consent to such a vaccine especially if they were not alcoholics. What would be the point? If they were responsible drinkers who did not drink and drive, then there would be no need to limit the pleasure gained from drinking.

For the alcoholic who has spent a good amount of time in rehab centers and making viable attempts at sobriety, this may be a good tool for them. There would have to be a real dedication and strive to remain sober after detox. But the alcohol addiction is so strong, I don’t know how long the alcoholic would continue on the drug regimen.

We already have drugs such as Naltrexone which blocks receptors which allow alcoholics to get those intoxicated feelings. This in turn results in fewer cravings. We also have Campral which, as I understand it, restores the chemical imbalance in the brain which reduces the cravings and prevents relapses. Of course, there is Antabuse which creates unpleasant side-affects as a result of alcohol consumption. We have all these tools available to us, yet alcoholism is still running rampant through our streets – yelling along that way that it is here to stay.

I hope that the researchers continue along the same lines that they are currently pursuing. With every study, there is more knowledge and – as I have stated many times – knowledge is the key to survival. Someday we may benefit from all the research and study that we will find a way to enjoy alcohol without becoming addicted to it.

I know many people can drink without adverse consequences. They can enjoy that scotch on the rocks or a fine bottle of wine. But, they don’t become addicted to the feeling of intoxication. Maybe those are the people whose brains we should really be researching, as well as all the other areas of their lives, social, economic, childhood, genetics. If we find out why people DON’T become alcoholics, maybe we can find out how to prevent people from becoming alcoholics.

Fantasyland has never been my place of residence. I doubt that any of the things I’ve suggested will ever be examined in my lifetime – definitely not what is left of Riley’s lifetime. However, in Fantasyland – and only in Fantasyland -- we might be able to vaccinate our children at an early age for illnesses such as alcoholism, or maybe even other addictions, at the same time we vaccinate against measles and mumps. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing!!

So to the researchers at UCSF – please keep up the good work!

Limited time price reduction...

The Workbook for Caretakers of End-Stage Alcoholics

many of my followers have asked for a discount -- here it is!

Limited time price reduction

 $9.99

Get your copy now!

Learn How To:

• Communicate with medical professionals
• How to interpret lab reports
• Determine the health status of your alcoholic
• Calculate estimated life expectancy
• Execute a power of attorney
• Maintain household sanitation

Proceeds of this sale will be used to
Help me get to the meeting of the
National Advisory Council on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism
near Washington DC

The price will go back up to $14.99 on Feb. 1st.

He's the sick one -- not me...

I believe that anyone who is in an emotional arm’s distance from any alcoholic/addict needs to find recovery just as much as the one who has the focus of our attention. That’s just it right there – the one who has the focus of our attention. What about turning some of that attention on you -- the caretaker?

As we get drawn into this world of “keeping things going” we often lose sight of our own needs and happiness. We must put ourselves at a lower priority level because we have no idea what is going to happen next in our homes as a result of the alcoholic’s brain damaged stupidity. We are always on alert. We must pay attention to them – the alcoholic, kids, parents, siblings, neighbors, friends, co-workers – we must be aware of what they are doing, thinking, seeing. I’m tired just thinking about it all.

Detachment is the best way to survive life in an alcoholic home. It sounds like a dirty word, but all it really means is to take care of your own self. As long as you are constantly worrying about what the alcoholic is doing to everyone else and to himself, you might forget to so things that make you happy.

And – what DOES make you happy?? Do you even know what makes you happy? Have you forgotten what makes you smile? I preach all the time (to anyone who will listen) to find your passion. Find that one  thing that you love doing and then do it.

I know what you are thinking “I love to do “X”, but I just don’t have the time or the money.” If it is truly your passion you will find a way to be involved somehow. Love to read – volunteer at the local library. Love animals – volunteer at the animal shelter. Love to cook – volunteer at your local soup kitchen. There are lots of ways to do things you love that won’t cost you anything and just might help someone else in the process.

If you have the funds available and you like doing things like, horseback riding, spa days, etc, then set aside one day, or at least a half day, where you can do what you want without interruption from anyone who makes your life difficult. If you need someone to baby-sit, find one and pay them well to show how much you appreciate that person.

I recently interviewed Mary Gordon at the Betty Ford Center. She heads up the family program and they have a good one. This is a week long program which covers the medical aspects of alcoholism, learning how to deal with the stress of living with an alcoholic, finding yourself in the chaos, learning to accept and let go by grieving your loss and moving on, and, creating a plan. Basically, the center covers just about everything I would want to know if I were a participant.

Mary Gordon was articulate, informative, genuine, and patient, as I have a tendency to ramble and get off track. She said she would send me information and she did just that almost immediately. All of these things indicate to me that she represents an organization that is worthy of my time – and yours.

Betty Ford Center is in Southern California; however, there are locations that are affiliated with the center in locations through the United States. I’m not sure about other countries. The program of these other locations is the same, but the time frame may be different. For example, the program length in Southern California is 5 days – Monday through Friday – while in other locations it may be Thursday through Tuesday. No matter what the days, they will certainly be worthwhile.

You can watch a YouTube presentation with Mary Gordon at this web address:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EavC2UvHEos

To visit their website – go here -- www.bettyfordcenter.org

Someone once told me I was just as sick as Riley. This person didn’t mean to be derogatory, but rather they wanted to point out that my mental and physical health had deteriorated since I began taking care of him. That person was right. Since I started this journey I have had or now have, a heart attack, stroke, flu (twice), salmonella (twice), insomnia, weight gain, diabetes, and general feelings of malaise. Yes, I agree, I am not as healthy as I wish I were.

I should have gone to a place like Betty Ford when I first decided to take him back in. But I didn’t because I had been privileged enough to be a part of a military sponsored family program back in the 80’s. It was intense and extremely educational. Fortunately, I had retained much of what I had previously learned. But, still it took me a while to get on even footing.

What has saved me from insanity is writing this blog. Writing has always been a passion that I’ve had since childhood. Writing this blog has re-kindled my need to write because I just can’t NOT write. It is my passion. It has always been there, but work and the general business of living put in a box in my brain and ended up getting buried in the maze. Thanks to taking on this task with Riley, I’ve once again found the box and after opening it, the contents are flowing out like lava from a volcano.

Of course, it took me about a year to get to taking the cover off that box. If I had gone to the Betty Ford Center, maybe I would have opened the box long ago. I know that the health issues I have are easier to manage when I have an outlet for my frustration. There are things I can’t “un-do” like the heart attack and stroke, but I now do more to prevent them from reoccurring. When I feel the stress from Riley’s ridiculous-ness, I write it all down – I don’t always publish it – but I get it out and find some perspective.

You don’t have to be a writer – but do something that helps you relax and get back to being the person you know you really are. In the words of Bobby McFerrin – Don’t Worry Be Happy.

More simplification...

I’m not an expert… but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express once. But I doubt that it makes me an authority on anything other than room service. Certainly, I am not a medical professional. I have done some research and what I have come up with, I’m willing to share with you.

A few days ago I wrote about the liver. Today I’ll try to simplify the workings of the pancreas and kidneys. These are both vital organs and, it would seem to me, we should do everything in our power to keep them healthy and happy.

The pancreas has two functions, one is to supply enzymes that aid in digestion and the other is to regulate our blood sugar. It is located behind the stomach and is surrounded by the portal vein which is one way blood is supplied to the organ.

Enzymes important to digestion are produced in the pancreas and are released when food enters the stomach through the pancreatic duct. These enzymes juices are known as bile.

ALCOHOLIC PANCREATITIS

With excessive use of alcohol the bile ducts become block due to inflammation and other factors. The inflammation is similar to swelling around the opening which decreases the flow of bile. Just as in the liver, scarring in this duct can also block the flow. That, in turn, causes a build of up bile inside the liver creating high levels of bilirubin in the blood.

The unfortunate trait of the pancreas is that it is digestible by our bodies and the build up of bile causes the pancreas to start being digested. From the way I understand, our pancreas eats itself because it can’t get out to eat anything else.

Medical attention and a hospital stay may be necessary where the alcoholic’s condition can be monitored. But the only real solution to the self-digestion is for the alcoholic to stop and not resume alcohol consumption.

KIDNEY FUNCTION

Let us assume that Mr. Jones is an alcoholic and has been diagnosed with Cirrhosis and/or Chronic (which means it happens over and over again) Pancreatitis. Because of his condition other parts, or organs, of his body are going to be affected. Alcohol is a toxin that is being induced and circulated in the blood stream. The liver is not removing the toxins because the ducts are closed and the blood cannot enter the organ. Also the pancreas is not breaking down the sugars or regulating his glucose because it’s busy feasting on itself. So – the toxins are taking a journey through his body’s internal super-highways.

One stop on this highway is the kidneys. Within less than a half-hour of consumption, alcohol produces the need to urinate. The more alcohol consumed the more trips Mr. Jones takes to the men’s room. All this bathroom activity is diluting the amount of fluid in the body. Mr. Jones can actually become dehydrated from all the booze he is drinking. It seems like a contradiction that he is drinking fluid and yet doesn’t have enough in his body.

Since Mr. Jones has been diagnosed with Cirrhosis, he has a tendency to retain salt. This causes a progressive accumulation of fluid which ends up in the abdominal cavity. In a quick glance at Mr. Jones, one would think he might be pregnant. The truth is his abdomen has so much fluid that he appears to be pregnant or have a “beer belly”. This accumulation is called “ascites.” This accumulation can continue to other parts of the body such as legs and arms.

All of this fluid in the empty spaces of Mr. Jones body may create many other complications, such as pressure on the heart. A heart attack may be the end result.

So now, Mr. Jones has blood that is heavy on toxins and his body is undue stress from the fluid build up. In my opinion, it’s time for Mr. Jones to take a cold hard look at what his alcoholism has done to his physical well-being and admit himself to a detox and rehab center.

An extreme simplification...

         I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who has purchased The WORKBOOK for CARETAKERS of END-STAGE ALCOHOLICS. The proceeds of the workbook will help fund my trip to the National Advisory Council on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism meeting in Washington DC and other alcoholism related conferences and workshops. Without the proceeds of this book, I would probably not be able to afford to attend any of them. Again – thank you and don’t forget to recommend it to anyone you know who deals with alcoholism.

            The workbook will help you determine the overall condition of your alcoholic, but there are things that it doesn’t cover because to get it all in the volume would be daunting.

            The complications of alcoholism to our organs cause them to function incorrectly or not at all. Each of our body’s organs has a purpose. They are not in there just to fill an empty space like cha-chi’s on the mantel. Every part of our body is used to provide us with the nutrition and oxygen that are vital to our existence.

            The most common organ, and the one that gets the most attention, is the liver. Everyone who has been around an alcoholic knows that alcohol damages the liver. But, do you understand why and how it leads to other complications?

The liver is located in the upper right-hand portion of the abdominal cavity just above the stomach. The liver is supplied blood through the hepatic artery and hepatic portal vein. (“Hepatic” is another word for liver.) All of our body’s blood flows through the liver at some point in time.

            A simplified version of the sequence of digestion is that the stomach digests our food creating blood. The blood goes through the liver where it is “cleansed” by breaking down the fat particles and removing drugs and other toxins. The liver also converts ammonia to urea which ends up in our toilets. It does other things, but these are the most relevant to my explanation.

CIRRHOSIS

With the consumption of large quantities of alcohol, the liver cannot cleanse all the toxic substances and creates scarred tissue. The damaged tissue blocks the flow of blood through the portal vein which carries blood from the intestines to the liver. The more scar tissue created the less blood the liver can process. If the liver doesn’t function properly, the affect will be more blood containing toxins, such as plasma ammonia, not being eliminated and then sent on through every part of the body.

Some of these toxins are carried to the brain and deposited in the frontal lobe.

Try to think of it this way – Let’s say you have a farm and on this farm you have some chickens. You are new to the chicken raising thing and don’t know how many eggs you can expect from each chicken. You go out and find the chickens have laid more than a dozen eggs, but your refrigerator only has space for eight. You find a bowl and put the eggs in it and place the bowl in the refrigerator. You think to yourself, you’ll use the eggs in the tray first and move them from the bowl to the tray as space permits. You didn’t anticipate that there would be another dozen eggs the next day. So you put another bowl in the refrigerator. This happens everyday until there is no longer any room for the milk or butter. The eggs have taken over the entire refrigeration.

            It’s the same way in the frontal lobe of the brain. The toxins just keep getting put in there because there’s no place else for them to go. OK – I know – that’s really a very, I mean, VERY, simplified version. Because things get worse as the brain gets overloaded and eventuall the toxins will put out a “no vacancy” sign thereby sending more and more of them back through the body until they can find a home.

As the liver damage increases other diseases develop. The kidneys (also blood cleaners) have to work harder and harder and eventually give up from pure exhaustion.

Everything under the skin is affected because the body is poisoned from all the toxins that now live where healthy blood and organs used to reside.

The liver is a miraculous organ because it can regenerate some potions of itself if the alcoholic ceases ingesting alcohol permanently. However, the scarring will remain and each time alcohol consumption resumes the less time is required for additional scarring to begin.

It's a dog's life...

My daughter, Alea, celebrated her birthday this week and she choose to celebrate by spending a few days out here in the country. We went to one of my favorite restaurants and she ordered their scrumptious lobster ravioli. I had a combo plate of crab cakes, scallops, shrimp and oysters. The plan was to eat off each others plate – something we almost always do.

I knew I wouldn’t want to cook when we got back home, so I ordered up a plate of lobster ravioli and some calamari for Riley. He had been consistently bugging me for seafood and I thought this was a good way to satisfy his taste buds.

When we got back home, I fixed him a plate that contained a combination of his order mixed with what was in my “doggie box.” I looked at the plate and thought – “Damn that looks good!” I knew he was going to love it.

I presented the plate to him and placed it on his chair side TV tray. I added a salad and a fresh drink. He was set. I asked if there was anything else he wanted or needed. He told me it looked wonderful and there was nothing else he needed.

Alea and I settled into the sofas in the living room and started watching a movie. It had just begun when I went to the kitchen to get something. As I passed by Riley’s chair, I noticed his plate was licked absolutely, shiny clean. That’s unusual because he only eats a couple of bites at a time and leaves the rest for his many ventures to the kitchen in the middle of the night. Normally, I get up in the morning to find his dinner plate on the counter almost as it was when I first prepared it -- except in the morning it will have a roach or two crawling around on it. (The roach problem is still not totally resolved.) He picks at it through the day in spite of the bugs.

“How many ravioli did you actually eat?” I asked.

“A few,” he replied. “But I had some help.”

“So did you let Jade eat your dinner?”

“Well… she wanted it.” Riley remarked.

I wish I were Jade. It seems that Jade should have anything she wants. So if I were Jade, I would have fresh live Maine whole stuffed lobster at least twice a week. There would be huge stuffed baked potatoes, fresh asparagus with hollandaise, deep fried artichoke hearts with a garlic mayo, clams casino and oysters Rockefeller. Let’s throw in there a really good mocha mousse. I would have to let Riley have a couple bites – but essentially the meal would be mine alone. It’s a rough life for a dog named Jade.

The next day, I became aware that Jade has become Riley’s master. She barks at her food dish and he refills it. She scratches at the door and he gets up to let her out. After just a few minutes, she barks at the back door and Riley lets her in. When she drops a ball at his feet and he throws it down the hall. She rolls on her back and he reaches down to scratch her tummy. When he takes a nap, she crawls onto the bed next to him. The cycle is repeated more than a dozen times during the day. There are no specific times for feeding or anything else for that matter. It’s just on Jade’s whim. Riley’s life is subservient to Jade.

My Jax, the Max Catx, on the other hand has a routine. If it isn’t cold, he stays out all night and comes to my bedroom when he sees I’ve turned on my bedside lamp. Then I let him in through the window as I’m on my way to the bathroom. Jax follows me to the laundry room just off my office, jumps up on the dryer and meows while looking at the cupboard that holds his food cans. I open a can and transfer the contents to his bowl. When he’s done eating, he lies just inside my office door and takes a bath while I go to work on my computer. He usually wants to go out again just before I have lunch, but he doesn’t stay out very long. So by the time I’m done fixing my plate – he wants back in and I oblige him entry. I don’t really hear from him again until close to dinner time when he wants two things – to be fed and let outside. He doesn’t require a lot of attention and he has very few needs. Unlike Jade, he manages just fine on his own. My relationship with Jax is more of a compatible partnership.

I do love Jade – really – I do. But, I already have a person who depends on me for every single aspect of his life. I worry about what I will do about Jade when Riley is gone. I don’t want to devote the time to her that Riley does. But then, I don’t want to give her to someone else because I fear they will not take her to the groomers or buy her the best food or let her sleep inside at night.

It is unfortunate that Jade may have to learn a whole new way of life when Riley departs for alcohol heaven. But, I know that to keep her in my life, she will need to learn manners that, so far, she has been able to avoid.

After having written my post about “My name is Jade…” I have been far more understanding and compassionate with her. I’m not as quick to scold and for the most part have essentially backed off from trying to get her to be a “good girl.” But there will come a time when she will have to abide by my rules. There should be an “or else” in there – but I’m not sure what it is.

In the meantime, I just have to learn to accept that Riley has no qualms about feeding her a more than $20 plate of seafood whenever it’s available. After all, it was his food and his choice. That makes it his loss.

As for me and Alea – we can’t wait to get back to that restaurant for more lobster!

Why don't I just...

I welcome everyone’s comments even it they may be a bit hostile or negative. Each of us has a right to an opinion and a right to voice that opinion. In fact, one commenter says I’m a “sick f***” and that I would drive a person to drink if they weren’t already an alcoholic. So this post is dedicated to all those who think end-stage caretaking is a form of amusing entertainment for sadistic Nurse Nancy’s and bitter spouses.

Why don’t I just… put Riley in a long-term care treatment facility?

No matter how sick a person is if he is not declared incompetent, that person cannot be forced into any alcohol treatment facility. Even then, most of those types of facilities would not accept an individual that has been forced in a facility through an incompetency hearing. Recovery just doesn’t work that way.

As for a regular nursing, physical rehab or long term facility – they will not allow the consumption of alcoholic beverages on their grounds. They offer no detox care so they are not equipped to handle an end-stage alcoholic. Most end-stage alcoholics have been through the detox and rehab process many times with the end result being a return to drinking. Because of that statistic, it is extremely difficult to find even a rehab center that will take on a multi-relapse end-stage alcoholic. The reasons for that are that they want to invest their time in people who really desire sobriety and also to eliminate a risk of injury on their premises. After the last detox episode (when Riley had a stroke) there was no rehab facililty of ANY type that would accept Riley as a patient within a hundred miles of our local area. He was too big of a risk for a potentially fatal fall.

Why don’t I just… have him declared incompetent?

That’s not as easy as it sounds. Riley is incompetent to handle his own finances or any other legal matters. But, he is aware what a competency hearing is all about. He knows he is supposed to do to pay bills and buy groceries, etc. He has no ability to follow-through on those tasks and that is hard to prove. He often will appear to others as being perfectly capable of managing his own affairs. Outward appearances are deceiving and he has the ability to “pull the wool over the eyes” of medical professionals who are not truly trained in alcoholism.

Being an end-stage alcoholic is degrading enough all by itself. Having your spouse, parent, partner or whoever declare that you are incapable of the simplest things like choosing what you want to eat for dinner – is beyond degrading. It’s not my job to make him feel any worse about himself. He does that on his own.

I have full power of attorney which gives me the ability to act on his behalf over everything that is relevant. It’s all I need for now. I’m fortunate because Riley doesn’t usually cause me problems that would require court intervention. The only issue we don’t seem to be able to resolve is his desire to drive drunk.

Why don’t I just… let him drive?

OK. Well… now… that’s just a stupid question. Drunks should NEVER be allowed behind the wheel of a 4000 pound potential lethal battering ram. Anyone who has to ask that question is not someone I would want on the road when I’m running my errands.

Why don’t I just… pack him up and send him on his way?

I took on this task as a means of preventing my daughter or grandson from becoming Riley’s caretaker. If I sent him on his way – he would find his way into their homes and thereby create insanity in their lives. I am his legal spouse. He is my responsibility. Many years ago I took a vow that said something about “sickness and health.” This is the sickness part and I will stand by that vow.

If a family member were sick of some other disease – Leukemia, Alzheimer’s, Stroke, etc – I would not pack them up and send them on their way. I would do the best I could to provide a safe haven. Riley has suffered a stroke as a result of abusing alcohol; he can’t remember simple things like how to get a message off the answering machine or to remove a pan from a hot burner. If he lived on his own, how soon would it be before he burned down his house? I don’t know, but I’m not willing to take that risk.

He’s not my prisoner. He’s my sick husband who would not survive in the real world.

Why don’t I just… pick him up when he falls?

I’m an old lady who is not even five feet tall and I don’t have a lot of physical strength. Riley isn’t a huge guy, but when he falls he is like dead weight. He has no muscle mass and cannot (or will not) assist in any effort to get himself upright. Even my daughter has failed at attempts to pick him up after a fall. But, because he won’t “push” or “pull”, even she has stopped trying to come to his aid.

I could call 911 and the paramedics would race to my door and get him back into his chair. The problem is Riley falls multiple times during the day and I truly believe the EMT’s might have people who are in urgent need of assistance. Someday, I’m going to need them to come running – quickly – so I don’t want to be the little girl who cried wolf.

Why don’t I just… make him use a walker or wheelchair?

Using a cane, wheelchair or walker, in Riley’s opinion, is an indication that he is old or not physically fit. In Riley’s mind, he is perfectly fit and is young. He mocks the seniors at the local senior center and laughs at the frailties of the aged. He wants no part of anything that would make him appear to be more “seasoned” than he wants to be.

In order to use any devices that would aid in his mobility, he would need some upper body or arm strength. Riley has no muscle strength from which to draw.

Why don’t I just… make him wear a diaper?

See the above answer. Same thing applies here. Diapers are for babies and old people.

Why don’t I just… stop buying him booze?

Taking away Riley’s alcohol would throw him into a self-induced detox which could be fatal. Detoxing without medical supervision is extremely dangers and it becomes more dangerous each time it happens.

By the count of the centers listed in the workbook that I keep on Riley, he’s been through five – FIVE – medically supervised detox experiences. Each one was worse than the last in terms of the actual process causing seizures and strokes. None of the detox sessions ever led to long-term sobriety. After the last hospital stay, I promised Riley I would never push him into detox again. I do, however, encourage him and ask him if he wants to go. But, I don’t insist and I don’t push.

Why don’t I just… take him to AA or get him some help?

For Riley, AA is just a social activity. He would go all the time if they would just stop harping on the drinking thing. Because they don’t stop, he won’t go. He knows there is help there. He was very active in AA for many years, but now he just wants nothing to do with the “brainwashing” of any 12 step program.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. It’s the same way with alcoholics and counseling. While I think it would be one of the best ways for an alcoholic to recover, it requires pure, unbridled honesty. Most active alcohols are incapable of being completely honest. Many drink to cover their true feelings. I think it’s unrealistic to expect a counselor to take on the impossible of task of getting a drunk to tell how he/she really feels.

Why don’t I just… stop laughing at him?

I don’t really laugh AT him. I laugh at the circumstance. I laugh at the absurdity of the situation. I laugh at the comedy of errors. Many times, Riley joins me in the laughter. Most times, he doesn’t even know or understand that what he is doing is laughable. He just goes about his business.

I laugh because I don’t want to cry. Those tears were spent many years ago and what did I gain from that? NOTHING. If I do not laugh, Riley will become a burden to heavy for me to bear. I would crumble under that weight and that would defeat my purpose