Recipe for frog soup...

I’ve written a couple of posts about co-dependency: Co-dependent enabler on August. 20, 2011 and You may be co-dependent on November 20, 2010. That’s just in case you want to check them out because here comes another post about co-dependency.

While watching an episode of A&E’s Intervention, I heard this statement: “At the heart of co-dependency is chronic neglect self.” I did some research and found this statement on the website for Orange County Detox Center. You can find it here http://www.orangecountydetox.com/codependency.html.

OK. I get it. However, I have to disagree that it is the HEART of co-dependency, but rather it is a result of being co-dependent. In my opinion the true heart of being co-dependent is having a need for the alcoholic to remain an active drinker. In other words, there has to be some kind of reward in the drunkenness. That reward will often discourage the non-alcoholic from pushing or taking action to get the alcoholic sober. The reward becomes so important that the non-alcoholic loses focus on their own health or well-being that they begin to neglect themselves. In a sense, they become addicted to having an addicted partner.

I have openly stated before that I don’t buy into the entire co-dependency theory. I’m positively sure that it happens. There is no doubt in my mind about that. I just don’t believe that it is an absolute for each and every case in relationships with alcoholics.

I remember the first time I was told I was a co-dependent. I was extremely insulted. How dare this counselor tell me I actually wanted Riley to stay drunk. It was absurd. I did not need him to be drunk, nor did I find any pleasure in his drunkenness. I had nothing to gain from continued alcoholic behavior and just wanted it all to stop. With my most excellent 20/20 hindsight vision – I still do not see how I benefited from Riley being a drunk.

I think that often it is the old frog soup scenario. If you don’t know how to make frog soup, I’ll refresh your memory –

If you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will jump out immediately. If you put the frog in a pot of cold water and slowly bring the water to a boil – you’ll end up with frog soup.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that can start very slowly as a little pimple on the butt of a relationship and can grow into a cavernous cancerous boil devouring any flesh that comes in contact. Caretaking is the same way. It may start with fixing a bowl of chicken-noodle soup because the alcoholic doesn’t feel well and then you find yourself cooking four-course meals every single night to keep him with you at dinnertime because it’s the only way he will talk to you. Maybe that’s not a good analogy, but it’s the best I can do at the moment.

I know that there are people who have a need to fix others. For them it may be an addiction all by itself. I believe these fixers need to focus on other people’s lives because it is too painful to focus on their own. I understand that. But, I have never ever heard a woman say “I’m going to a bar and pick up a drunk to sleep with tonight because I just love cleaning up vomit first thing in the morning.” And I’m never heard a man say, “I love having sex with a drunk because they pass out in the middle of the act.” Or how about, “I want a full house for my birthday so I’m going to invite a bunch of drunks because I know they will come if there is free booze.”

Over the years I’ve been around a lot of drunks and a lot of people married to drunks. Not even once did I ever hear anyone say that they wanted to marry a drunk. Not once did I ever hear anyone say they wouldn’t change a thing because being with a drunk is a good life. No, instead what happens is we marry the love of our life and gradually it becomes frog soup with a side of vodka. The lucky ones realize it and jump out of the pot. Others are already cooked before they even know they are in a pot.

As long as I’m on the subject, how can a person try to get a person into recovery and at the same time let the alcoholic hit bottom? Those are two opposing goals. Maybe to stop being co-dependent means walking away. I can whole heartedly support that theory. The co-dependent walks away and lets the alcoholic hit bottom.

So let’s go back to the issue of chronic neglect of self. I raise my hand high because I am totally, absolutely, with a doubt, guilty of this. I often neglect my own needs while in the process of caretaking Riley. I do it with my kids as well, but Riley is my main catalyst. Lately, it seems, I’m far deeper into the self neglect thing than I have been in a long time. I didn’t realize how bad I had gotten until I started thinking about that line in the Intervention program.

Riley’s demands have become more demanding and his insane ideas have become even more insane. I try to reason with a person who can’t be reasoned with because there is no longer a sense of logic in the alcohol infused brain. I let down my boundaries to keep peace in the house. I tolerate behavior that I would never tolerate in myself. I don’t do it because I like it. I do it because it is easier than fighting it.

The farther we go into the progression towards the end of his days, the more I seem to forget that I have a person that needs me more than Riley. I need me. In fact, I need me more than he needs me.

I don’t usually make New Year’s resolutions. I know it’s almost February, but I’m making a resolution – we can call it a New Month resolution. I resolve to take better care of me. I resolve to find my humor again. I resolve to not let Riley destroy my sanity with his insanity.

The process of my own recovery has already begun. I’ve e-mailed the AA center to try to get some members out to spend some time with Riley. (Thanks to Syd for the suggestion.) I am having my own sessions with Gill, the addition counselor. I have started a new food program and have ordered an elliptical machine. I am going back to squeezing in some time for my sewing and design projects. I am finding myself again.

Make no mistake. Finding oneself is not as easy as it sounds. But, I didn’t feel like a co-dependent before I started this re-direction and I don’t feel like one now. I DO think I was neglecting myself, but I’m not sure if it was chronic. I think maybe it was a temporary detour in the highway of my life.

Time changes us...

My older brother, Richard, and I always tolerated each other. Being the first child born to the youngest in my father’s family and the oldest in my mother’s family, he was… well… a little bit spoiled as an infant. He was the golden-haired grandchild. Until he was almost three years old, he ruled the house.

I, on the other hand, was second in the chain and by the time I arrived, my parents were far more seasoned at keeping me from being spoiled rotten. I was a delicate, tiny little girl and my father was a giant of a man and could fit me in his palm. Richard saw my arrival as a threat to his kingdom and, although he was protective of me, he was a bit stand-offish. Like – oh yeah – it’s a lttle girl – can I go outside now?

As we grew older we knew that we loved each other, but there was always a bit of distance between us. When we became young adults and he married my best friend, Carrot, we had directly opposing points of view on almost everything. After our younger brother and mother died, Richard and I made a switch in our relationship – we became extremely close. When he had leukemia, I moved into his house to help take care of him. It was no surprise to me that we discovered I was his bone marrow match. He didn’t live that long to get the transplant.

I was talking to a high school friend yesterday. He was in Richard’s graduating class and I knew they knew each other and were friendly, but I didn’t know that they were very good friends. They were both bench warmers on the football team and spent a lot of time talking while the rest of the team the kicked ass of our opponents.

What I didn’t realize was that back in high school Richard and this friend had been bullied. When I first heard of the friend being bullied I was surprised because I never really thought there was much bullying in my school. Maybe we called it something different back then, I don’t know. But, I was really shocked to find out that Richard had been bullied. In the mind of a teenage girl, I saw Richard as big and strong and taking no grief from anyone. How could I have been so wrong?

I came from a long line of teasers on my father’s side. Teasing was a way of life in our house. Kids were expected to toughen up, tease back or spend a lot of time in tears. Richard was a pro at it. But, maybe, he wasn’t teasing – maybe he was bullying me because he was bullied at school. Maybe he had no power at school – could not fight back without repercussions – so he took it out on me. That made sense to me.

The friend told me of a conversation where Richard expressed that if anyone ever hurt me, he would “go after” the person. He left the friend with the knowledge that Richard loved me very much and although we didn’t communicate very well – he would always be there for me.

After our talk, I saw Richard from a different point of view. He was a bit vulnerable and while he was protecting me, who was protecting him? It seems that as hard as high school was for me – it must have been ten times harder for him. My image of him is a little softer now.

I wonder what it was like to be Riley when he was a high schooler? I know he was very smart, but what was his social life like? Did he have a lot of friends or did he just have his brother who is only ten months younger? Did he go to parties? Was he a “square” or a popular guy? Was he bullied or teased or was he the one doing that? I’ll probably never get the answers, but it would be interesting to know.

If I had those answers, I might see Riley in a whole new light. I might understand why he dropped out of college and joined the Navy. He says it’s because the Army recruiter was at lunch and the Navy’s door was open. But that doesn’t tell me why. What caused him to go to the recruiter’s at all?

I do know that when Riley entered college, he started drinking. I also know he had a girl friend that dumped him during his first college year. I know facts related by him to me. But, I don’t know why. It seems it must have been a pivotal year in his life and I wish I knew more about it.

Riley thinks he knows everything about my childhood and high school years. It’s no wonder that he thinks that. I am, after all, mostly an open book. I freely tell people about some of my most embarrassing moments. Most of my school friends describe me as “sweet, nice, friendly”, but would they still think that if they opened my closet and some of my teenage skeletons fell out? In a way, being sweet and nice and friendly is one of the reasons there’s even a need for a closet. To rebel against the sweetness, I found things to do that weren’t so sweet – at least in my mind.

I’ve never been to a high school reunion so I haven’t had the luxury of seeing how people change after graduation. I have no before and after images. The way a person was in high school, in my mind, is what I would expect them to be now 40+ years later. A lot can happen in 40 years.

Riley’s class is planning some kind of get together to celebrate 55 years since graduation. He likes going to these reunions and I wish he could go to this one. I wish I could go with him to this one. I might learn something about who Riley was during that time.

The reality is that to take Riley to the reunion would be impossible. He could never handle the eighteen hour drive in his present condition. And since he doesn’t shower, his classmates would surely be offended by his odor. A social event such as this, I’m sad to say, is just not something he can do.

Knowledge is the key to survival. If I knew more about Riley before he was an alcoholic, maybe I would have treated him differently before he became end-stage and then never reach this point. I know the person I see today is not the one I married. It’s hard to keep my groom in my vision when he is so mean and hateful now. If I knew more about his teen years, maybe I would see a progression from a sweet boy to an angry asshole.

I don’t see how it would make any difference now. Riley is beyond the point of being able to articulate feelings from his childhood or adolescence. It is too late for him. But, still… it would be interesting to know.

Biding my time...

Thank you everyone for your concern and support. I have taken to heart all your advice and suggestions and I have come up with a plan. I also want to thank my friend, Gill, for being the cornerstone of the plan he helped me create.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Using that definition, I am the one who is insane. I continue to try to get Riley to understand reason and conform to societal rules. The insanity is that I often think I’ve gotten through to him. I have not and I will not ever achieve my goal. It’s insane for me to try.

I never expect that Riley will choose sobriety. I never anticipate that he will come to me and tell me he wants to go back to rehab. On this issue, I am a realist. I don’t fight it or push for it anymore. We are way beyond that point. Riley is way beyond that point.

Riley is dangerous. He has no concern for the health or safety of anyone else. He wants what he wants and will use any means to get it. If someone gets hurt along the way, then that person should have stayed out of his way. If the person who gets hurt happens to be Riley – he doesn’t care as long as he gets what he wants at the moment. Like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum, he wants instant gratification.

Riley is a self-imposed captive in this house because his drinking prevents him from being able to be with other people. I am his keeper and because of that, I am the one he hates. He sees me as a road block to attaining the elusive instant gratification. He has no choice but to take his anger out on me and, since he is not physically abusive, he turns to passive aggression. It’s really not his fault. He’s just trying to survive in the manner that he wants.

The past three days of frustration, elevated blood pressure, headaches and tears, are my fault. His drinking is not my fault – my expectations are my fault. I was so relaxed when I came back from OBX that I forgot to regain my “Riley’s keeper” persona before I entered the house. I was not objective and forgot about the past repeating itself. I let my guard down. I allowed myself to argue with a man who no longer has any logical reasoning ability. It’s like me trying to convince my potted mums not to go dormant for the winter. Those mums are on auto-pilot. No matter what I say, they will be ugly until spring.

In the past, Riley has always just let me do the things that needed to be done because he knew I was “taking care” of him. He was always a little paranoid, but for the most part, I can just tell him I’m doing something and he has been OK with that. But, things have changed. I believe his brain is so damaged that he now sees me as a threat. He is conflicted. He wants to get away from me because I’m not letting him do what he wants, but he also wants to stay because he knows I’ll keep him safe. It is a true contradiction and if I were Riley, I’d probably be expressing mercurial emotions just as he is doing.

Don’t misinterpret my post as feeling sorry for him. There is none of that here. He created his own mess and now he has to deal with the consequences. He has been vocal to everyone about his intentions to drive while drunk and also to do whatever he pleases in spite of the laws or rules. He isn’t to be pitied and I have very little compassion for his situation. And that situation is going to get a lot worse for him.

When I called Gill, I just wanted to come by his office and drop off a copy of the new workbook. But, I also asked if there was any way he could help me with getting Riley’s driver’s license revoked. Gill is an addiction counselor who works for the State of North Carolina. He evaluates drunk drivers and offers a treatment plan. He also conducts classes and groups in his office. Both Riley and I have known him for more than 30 years.

During our phone call, I told Gill that I needed to find a way to keep Riley from driving, even though I was taking him to DMV to get his car registered. I told him I was considering filing an order of incompetency. When he offered to help make that happen, my energy was renewed with the knowledge that I now had an ally.

He told me to call the last hospital where Riley was a patient and have them fax over whatever was in the medical records. Then, he would have a meeting with Riley and ask him some questions to determine where he stands on the issue of sobriety as well as the level of his drunkenness. We would gather the information and put it into a court-friendly format. It will take some time (maybe a couple of weeks) to gather all the info and create a concise evaluation. But, it will be worth it.

Right now, I’m just a wife making accusations. With Gill at my side I am a woman who has explored the options and done her due-diligence. My opinions become facts. I have validation.

After getting the car taken care of, we went to Gill’s office. It wasn’t like a regular counseling session. It was less formal. Riley didn’t understand that he was being evaluated. Riley was just having a conversation with an old friend. I was in and out of the office and, for the most part, I kept my mouth shut. Gill had Riley blow into the breathalyzer and he blew a .18 – twice the legal limit.

A couple of hours went by when Riley became fidgety because he had not had a drink in several hours. He was more agitated and confrontational. It was time to end things for the day. But, Gill asked Riley to come back on Monday when they could have some one-on-one time with me out of the room. Riley agreed. In the back of my mind I was thinking on Monday I could file the incompetency papers and have my nails done or just sit in the little bookstore/coffee shop. I could do something without worrying about what Riley was doing. That was a huge relief.

Things were quieter in my house last night. I won’t say peaceful – just quieter. I feel less chaotic, more focused and less likely to expect anything from Riley except illogical, disjointed reasoning and thoughts. I will do my best to try to find some humor in his contradictions. I will agree with whatever he says because to do anything else will just wind up the Merry-Go-Round. Just because I am agreeable doesn’t mean I’m going to act on anything he says. I’m just buying time, buying a peaceful household until Monday.

Insanity at sunrise...

I spent three days in the Outer Banks visiting my grandson’s family. I was supposedly making the visit to help them move into their new house. I DID help with putting things away and watching after the babies while they did the really hard stuff. But, spending the time with my great-grandchildren was helping me far more than helping my grandson.

On the morning of the second day, I woke up and found out Riley had called me seven times during the night. I called him to ask what was wrong. He just wanted to tell me that Jax was almost out of food and that I needed to buy some more Diet Coke. Ohhh… OK… I reminded him I would be stopping at the grocery store on my way home. There were many more calls during my visit and each one was about some mundane thing that amounted to nothing.

I returned home late Tuesday afternoon. Riley asked if he could unload the car for me and I told him, NO. I would take care of the car. I had brought in his vodka and the cat food. There was nothing in the car that couldn’t wait until the windy rain stopped – even if that were a day or so.

Riley wanted chili dogs for dinner, but I knew I would not feel like cooking so I had picked up some Chinese take-out. I knew it wasn’t chili dogs and that could be a problem, but we hadn’t had Chinese food in a long time. Besides I got him a dish that had lobster in it, so he would probably like that. As soon as I had gotten in the house and took my bag to my room, I got started on fixing his plate. He liked the idea of the take-out and I thought to myself, “Good. I won’t get any flack from not fixing chili dogs.”

The next morning Riley joined me in my office as he usually does. If I’m lucky we will have a relatively decent conversation before the insanity kicks in. But, I was wrong. Insanity was already there staring at me from across the desktop.

The minute he sat down, Riley asked how our money was. I told him I hadn’t checked the bank account yet, but was sure everything was fine. I let him know that I bought groceries for the kids and a few odds and ends they needed for the new house. He seemed to think that was a good idea. I thought the money subject was covered and I could go on to other things – like writing my blog post and working on the website. And I did just that. Riley left the office and I thought he had gone back to bed.

It was just about 30 minutes later when he returned to the office and asked if I had checked the money. I figured he just didn’t remember what I had told him previously. I reiterated everything I told him earlier. He seemed satisfied with my answer and went back to his room. But, he returned again and told me I had to check the money.

My first thought was, he must have spent some money and didn’t tell me. He must have figured out how to get into the account or use the debit card. Something was up. I went to the bank account and everything was just as I had said – it was fine. No weird expenditures. No unexpected debits or credits. I informed Riley how much was in the account and that everything was fine. Once again, I thought I could get back to my day.

Next up on Riley’s agenda was why I hadn’t gotten dressed yet. I was still in my big T-Shirt and was comfortable. I saw no need for to get out of my comfort zone before 10:00 AM and if I didn’t get dressed at all – so what? I told Riley that I had decided that I wasn’t going to do anything at all today except rest. I knew that he was not going to leave me alone long enough to get any work done. But, he didn’t like that. He wanted me to get dressed. Instead I went to my room and shut the door. I needed to get away from him for a while.

About an hour later, Riley was sitting at his computer when I opened the door to my room. I was met by the neighbor’s dog – in the hallway of my house! When I looked outside I saw the front passenger car door standing open. WHAT??!! I shooed the dog out and closed the car door.

It was time for Riley and I to have a sit-down. I asked him to join me in the office and he complied. I asked what was going on. He looked at me in confusion. He said I needed to get dressed and everything had to be brought in from the car – NOW! He was yelling at me that things needed to be done NOW. Dinner had to be decided on. Grocery needed to be bought. The frig needed to be cleaned out. My laundry needed to be put away. WAIT A MINUTE!! He is not to EVER do my laundry. He just wanted to help. He didn’t understand why that was so upsetting to me. I cringed and told him there was “nothing that needed to be done that couldn’t be done later.” Nothing was that extremely important. He countered me and then asked – “Why are you so angry with me???”

Then it hit me. It was the 18^th of January. It was Riley’s self-imposed deadline date for getting the car registered or he would have all the direct deposits stopped. I tried to be evasive while attempting to get him to say what he really wanted. When he said that there were errands to be run, I asked what errands?? He informed me that the car had to be registered today. I told him it was not in his best interests to have the car registered. A gigantic round robin discussion ensued, ending with me picking up the phone and calling the Sherriff’s department. I put the call on speaker and asked Riley what his intentions were with the car after it was registered. He clearly told the officer that he was intending to drive the car – drunk or sober. He stated he did not care about the other people on the road. He said that if drunk driving was such a big deal, he would have been given a lot more tickets, since he had only gotten ONE in the past ten years.

The officer told me to take him off speaker and so he could talk to me privately. He told me I needed to have Riley committed as being a danger to other people. He would be put in a 72-hour evaluation and then forced into rehab. I thanked him for his advice, but explained that at Riley’s stage a non-medically supervised detox would be paramount to a death sentence for him. I also told him, he had been declined admission to all the rehab facilities and nursing homes in a 200 mile radius. The officer told me he understood my frustration and to please call if I needed someone to come out and offer assistance.

Riley didn’t leave it at that. My frustration was growing and he knew it. So he pushed some more. I felt a constant bombardment by Riley of what I thought I should be doing and asking over and over – why I was so angry with him. He stated that he was just trying to take care of business and make things easier for me. He couldn’t keep the neighbor’s dog out of the house and left the door open when he was “helping” me get the car emptied. He was being considerate by doing my laundry. He was just trying to keep things on track by reminding me of the things that needed to be done.

When I had been pushed to my limit I screamed at him to leave me alone!! That’s when he told me I was crazy. And that’s when I knew exactly what was happening.

Riley was angry that I had been gone over the weekend. He wanted my undivided attention. And since he was not one to lie on the floor and kick his feet – he used passive aggression to make his point. He does it all the time – I don’t know why it took me so long to recognize it. He will push me by doing things he knows I don’t want him to do and when I finally lose my temper, he looks at me in amazement like my head is spinning around while perched on my neck. Then, he is never to blame for anything because he is always calm and never raises his voice.

I told him I would be spending the rest of the day and night in my room and to not bother me for anything even if the house were burning down. I told him to heat up the left over take out and closed the door behind me. That’s where I stayed until this morning.

It’s quiet. He’s still asleep and I can get this written before the insanity begins again. I’m back to day one of this blog – insanity is only a few minutes past sunrise.

Riley "hearts" Riley...

Occasionally, there is some truth that comes out of Riley’s arguments and attempts at getting me to see his point of view. Today it was that he doesn’t believe that his womanizing or drinking has ever been a real problem for him. The fact that it has destroyed two marriages and ended many potentially great relationships has no bearing on anything to him. He states that was not his problem, but the problem of the women in his life. It was their problem because they would not have the advantage of his companionship or sexual prowess. Hummm… it must be that big d***k thing again.

He went on to tell me that he has NO moral values as far as women or sex is concerned. He felt that it is almost an obligation to have sex with any woman who would want to participate in that activity with him. He says he would not, could not, did not, or ever want to say NO to any woman if she said she was interested. For him, friendship with a woman must be sexual. He has no interest in any woman he isn’t having sex with or if there is no potential for sex. In fact, he really doesn’t like women very much – just the sex part of it. That explains a lot.

I asked if he felt a sense of loss for not having these women in his life. His answer was it was their loss and not his.

Per Wikipedia, Riley is displays classic narcissistic traits:

NARCISSISM – An unrealistic sense of superiority; pursues power at all costs, lacks normal inhibitions in its pursuit; Concerns limited to expressing socially appropriate response when convenient; devalues and exploits others without remorse; lacks values; easily bored; often changes courses.

Well… there you have it. I’m disturbed that I loved this man for so many years and never saw these traits until late in our marriage. He must have lied to me every single day when he said he loved me. Did he lie to me when he wrote those incredibly beautiful love letters during those long deployments? I just don’t know and I don’t think I want to know if the answer is YES, he did lie.

I know just about the exact time frame when Riley began drinking alcoholicly. It was just about the time when we began having some difficulty in our relationship. What had once been easy and genuine became difficult and suspect. I remember my mother telling me that I must work harder at the marriage if I wanted to keep him around. I remember being told that marriage was not a 50/50 partnership, but rather a 70/30.

I listened and I tried harder. I would strive to be a better wife, lover, companion, mother and anything else I thought he needed me to be. I tried to be more accepting, more open-minded, but it only caused me to be upset with myself because I was going against my own value system. Riley had friends that I did not care for, yet I extended my hand in friendship over and over again while knowing these friends did not really like me. I waited for Riley to do the “right thing” and admit that he didn’t want me in his life.

He never admitted that to me. He kept me hanging on by making small changes and trying to placate me. But in reality, all his attempts at “working” on our marriage were just more ways of lying to me and keeping me around because I was a guarantee of sexual satisfaction.

When Riley was forced into retirement by the Navy, he finally confessed that our marriage was not really about love and commitment, but rather about necessity. He portrayed a better image as a married man with a family than he did as a single man. It made it easier for him to bed down his friend’s wives who shared his moral values. He could easily take time off work because his wife or child was sick, had an appointment or some other fabricated need. He further explained that he liked having sex with me and he knew he could have sex whenever he desired just by keeping me in the same residence.  The day that I told Riley I wanted out was the happiest day of his life because without the Navy he had no real need for me.

I’m very sure that most of what he said was true. But, I am totally convinced that it was not that way from the start. I believe Riley loved me deeply at the start and for many years after we solidified our relationship. But, I also believe that the alcohol damaged him and altered his way of thinking into one of a narcissistic ass. He is – in fact – brain damaged. Maybe he was always narcissistic, but it just wasn’t as obvious.

I feel sorry for Riley. I have known the joy of love so strong and so unconditional that even a separation from the person cannot diminish the feeling. I have loved enough to let someone go in spite of how much I wanted him to stay. Riley, I believe, has never had that feeling. In spite of the fact that at one time, I believe, he loved me deeply, he has never experienced the reward of putting someone’s needs above his own. Oh – there are little bits of and pieces of it. But, there was never anything major.

I hold on to the bits and pieces in my memory because to do otherwise is just too painful. I promised to stand by Riley in better or worse – this has been the worst. The trick is holding onto the good memories of a sober loving man while dismissing the narcissistic babbling of a brain damaged alcoholic.

My advice for other wives in my position – just keep repeating the mantra – he is brain damaged.

It's MY money...

This morning Riley came into my office, much the same as he does every other morning, and we started having our usual rational conversation. Things were going well. We were talking about upgrading him to a real twin bed rather than the twin sized futon he has always preferred sleeping on. Jade sleeps with him and the cot sized mattress is just too small for the two of them. The discussion went on to how to re-arrange his room to accommodate the larger bed. Like most houses build in the early 60s, the bedrooms are on the small side and furniture arrangement must be thought out to make the most of the space available.

I thought he was actually WITH me. We drew a little picture of his floor plan and showed how we both thought the room would be sit up the best. Riley likes to be able to see out the window first thing when he opens his eyes. That’s important to him. And he has to have a desk for his computer and writing.

As I was drawing little pieces of furniture on the paper, he said that it would all be a moot point if I didn’t get his car registered so he could have transportation. I kinda shook my head and asked what transportation had to do with his room arrangement. I wasn’t even really paying that much attention to him. When the words came out of my mouth, I knew I had lit a fire that would not easily be extinguished.

If the car is not registered by January 18^th, he will stop all his direct deposits, collect his checks and move out. Of course, that started the round of me trying to make him see logic. Even us caretakers who know the ropes have a tendency to hold onto a shred of hope that somehow we can reach that part of the brain that houses logic and reason. I should have just said OK and let it go. But… NooOOooo… I didn’t shut up so the argument continued for more than an hour.

This is not the first time this month that Riley has threatened me with not financially participating in our household expenses. It’s been happening more and more often. Because of that, I think now may be the time to seek a court ordered competency determination. I wasn’t sure how to do it, but I knew what I wanted the end result to be.

1)                  Not let him have control of his money so that I could continue to keep him in this house where he would be safe, warm, comfortable and supervised.

2)                  The next thing was to keep him from having the car registered, thereby keeping him off the streets.

I did some research and I found that having someone declared incompetent in the state of North Carolina is really not as hard as I had thought.

First, I have to draft the petition for incompetency. Second, state the reasons why I think Riley is incompetent and why I’m seeking guardianship. Third, file the petition in the county courthouse. At that time a hearing will be scheduled within 30 days of service of the petition to Riley. He will have a right to obtain an attorney and/or request a jury trial. Fourth, present evidence and call witnesses supporting my allegations that Riley is incapable of taking care of himself or his business. Fifth, the judge or jury will determine whether or not Riley is competent.

This morning when Riley was arguing his point of view about driving, I made a video of the conversation. I have also taken pictures of the status of his bathroom and the results of his fall onto the fireplace. My housekeeper is willing to be a witness. I’ll spend the next 30 days preparing my evidence and gathering witnesses. It won’t be a very hard task. Riley makes it easy for me.

I'm also armed with my Workbook which shows each detox and rehab center and clearly indicates his physical condition. It will put everything in an order than can easily be understood.

It is unfortunate that it has come to this. But, maybe this will actually be the wake-up call that he needs. He is always saying that I’m the only one who feels that he can’t take care of himself. The fact that he has been told that by a couple of doctors and his brother, just doesn’t seem to be something he can accept. He truly believes he can live in drunken chaos and still be competent to take care of himself.

For some reason, I really think he’s fighting a battle that he cannot win. Sad – because he could win if he weren’t so intent on killing himself.

Alcohol releases endorphins...

ABC’s News 10 out of Sacramento, recently broadcast a piece about a research study being conducted as the University of California at San Francisco. This study shows that when a person takes a drink endorphins are released in the brain that make the drinker “feel good.” I can understand that and I’m not sure why this is a “new” thing. Haven’t we known all along that people drink to feel good – get high – have a buzz – party hardy??? So, for me, it is not a far leap to discover that there are endorphins released that make drinkers feel good when drinking.

You will find the link here:

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.news10.net%2Fnews%2Fcomments.aspx%3Fstoryid%3D172878%26fb_comment_id%3Dfbc_10150497276304892_22202395_10150499551369892&h=aAQHQhcH0AQHM2oMNH1kr-O6Oz7Jm-pMJzU9YJVos_v84vw

It seems that the researchers think this may be a step to aid in the reduction of alcoholism. That makes sense to me also. If drinking doesn’t produce those coveted feelings of goodness, then why drink at all? I think they may be on to something here – but only to a certain degree.

For the beginning drinker, if there were not so much pleasure in those first few drinks, then they may not succumb to binge drinking. I’m thinking of teen-agers and college students. If there was a vaccine that prevented them from deriving pleasure from drinking, would parents make sure they were given that injection before heading out to social events? Or even enrolling in college? I know I would have had my kids at the head of the line. Of course, if the vaccine destroyed ALL pleasure then it would not be acceptable.

But, for the seasoned drinker who is over the age of consent and has already been drinking for many years, I doubt they would consent to such a vaccine especially if they were not alcoholics. What would be the point? If they were responsible drinkers who did not drink and drive, then there would be no need to limit the pleasure gained from drinking.

For the alcoholic who has spent a good amount of time in rehab centers and making viable attempts at sobriety, this may be a good tool for them. There would have to be a real dedication and strive to remain sober after detox. But the alcohol addiction is so strong, I don’t know how long the alcoholic would continue on the drug regimen.

We already have drugs such as Naltrexone which blocks receptors which allow alcoholics to get those intoxicated feelings. This in turn results in fewer cravings. We also have Campral which, as I understand it, restores the chemical imbalance in the brain which reduces the cravings and prevents relapses. Of course, there is Antabuse which creates unpleasant side-affects as a result of alcohol consumption. We have all these tools available to us, yet alcoholism is still running rampant through our streets – yelling along that way that it is here to stay.

I hope that the researchers continue along the same lines that they are currently pursuing. With every study, there is more knowledge and – as I have stated many times – knowledge is the key to survival. Someday we may benefit from all the research and study that we will find a way to enjoy alcohol without becoming addicted to it.

I know many people can drink without adverse consequences. They can enjoy that scotch on the rocks or a fine bottle of wine. But, they don’t become addicted to the feeling of intoxication. Maybe those are the people whose brains we should really be researching, as well as all the other areas of their lives, social, economic, childhood, genetics. If we find out why people DON’T become alcoholics, maybe we can find out how to prevent people from becoming alcoholics.

Fantasyland has never been my place of residence. I doubt that any of the things I’ve suggested will ever be examined in my lifetime – definitely not what is left of Riley’s lifetime. However, in Fantasyland – and only in Fantasyland -- we might be able to vaccinate our children at an early age for illnesses such as alcoholism, or maybe even other addictions, at the same time we vaccinate against measles and mumps. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing!!

So to the researchers at UCSF – please keep up the good work!

Limited time price reduction...

The Workbook for Caretakers of End-Stage Alcoholics

many of my followers have asked for a discount -- here it is!

Limited time price reduction

 $9.99

Get your copy now!

Learn How To:

• Communicate with medical professionals
• How to interpret lab reports
• Determine the health status of your alcoholic
• Calculate estimated life expectancy
• Execute a power of attorney
• Maintain household sanitation

Proceeds of this sale will be used to
Help me get to the meeting of the
National Advisory Council on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism
near Washington DC

The price will go back up to $14.99 on Feb. 1st.

He's the sick one -- not me...

I believe that anyone who is in an emotional arm’s distance from any alcoholic/addict needs to find recovery just as much as the one who has the focus of our attention. That’s just it right there – the one who has the focus of our attention. What about turning some of that attention on you -- the caretaker?

As we get drawn into this world of “keeping things going” we often lose sight of our own needs and happiness. We must put ourselves at a lower priority level because we have no idea what is going to happen next in our homes as a result of the alcoholic’s brain damaged stupidity. We are always on alert. We must pay attention to them – the alcoholic, kids, parents, siblings, neighbors, friends, co-workers – we must be aware of what they are doing, thinking, seeing. I’m tired just thinking about it all.

Detachment is the best way to survive life in an alcoholic home. It sounds like a dirty word, but all it really means is to take care of your own self. As long as you are constantly worrying about what the alcoholic is doing to everyone else and to himself, you might forget to so things that make you happy.

And – what DOES make you happy?? Do you even know what makes you happy? Have you forgotten what makes you smile? I preach all the time (to anyone who will listen) to find your passion. Find that one  thing that you love doing and then do it.

I know what you are thinking “I love to do “X”, but I just don’t have the time or the money.” If it is truly your passion you will find a way to be involved somehow. Love to read – volunteer at the local library. Love animals – volunteer at the animal shelter. Love to cook – volunteer at your local soup kitchen. There are lots of ways to do things you love that won’t cost you anything and just might help someone else in the process.

If you have the funds available and you like doing things like, horseback riding, spa days, etc, then set aside one day, or at least a half day, where you can do what you want without interruption from anyone who makes your life difficult. If you need someone to baby-sit, find one and pay them well to show how much you appreciate that person.

I recently interviewed Mary Gordon at the Betty Ford Center. She heads up the family program and they have a good one. This is a week long program which covers the medical aspects of alcoholism, learning how to deal with the stress of living with an alcoholic, finding yourself in the chaos, learning to accept and let go by grieving your loss and moving on, and, creating a plan. Basically, the center covers just about everything I would want to know if I were a participant.

Mary Gordon was articulate, informative, genuine, and patient, as I have a tendency to ramble and get off track. She said she would send me information and she did just that almost immediately. All of these things indicate to me that she represents an organization that is worthy of my time – and yours.

Betty Ford Center is in Southern California; however, there are locations that are affiliated with the center in locations through the United States. I’m not sure about other countries. The program of these other locations is the same, but the time frame may be different. For example, the program length in Southern California is 5 days – Monday through Friday – while in other locations it may be Thursday through Tuesday. No matter what the days, they will certainly be worthwhile.

You can watch a YouTube presentation with Mary Gordon at this web address:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EavC2UvHEos

To visit their website – go here -- www.bettyfordcenter.org

Someone once told me I was just as sick as Riley. This person didn’t mean to be derogatory, but rather they wanted to point out that my mental and physical health had deteriorated since I began taking care of him. That person was right. Since I started this journey I have had or now have, a heart attack, stroke, flu (twice), salmonella (twice), insomnia, weight gain, diabetes, and general feelings of malaise. Yes, I agree, I am not as healthy as I wish I were.

I should have gone to a place like Betty Ford when I first decided to take him back in. But I didn’t because I had been privileged enough to be a part of a military sponsored family program back in the 80’s. It was intense and extremely educational. Fortunately, I had retained much of what I had previously learned. But, still it took me a while to get on even footing.

What has saved me from insanity is writing this blog. Writing has always been a passion that I’ve had since childhood. Writing this blog has re-kindled my need to write because I just can’t NOT write. It is my passion. It has always been there, but work and the general business of living put in a box in my brain and ended up getting buried in the maze. Thanks to taking on this task with Riley, I’ve once again found the box and after opening it, the contents are flowing out like lava from a volcano.

Of course, it took me about a year to get to taking the cover off that box. If I had gone to the Betty Ford Center, maybe I would have opened the box long ago. I know that the health issues I have are easier to manage when I have an outlet for my frustration. There are things I can’t “un-do” like the heart attack and stroke, but I now do more to prevent them from reoccurring. When I feel the stress from Riley’s ridiculous-ness, I write it all down – I don’t always publish it – but I get it out and find some perspective.

You don’t have to be a writer – but do something that helps you relax and get back to being the person you know you really are. In the words of Bobby McFerrin – Don’t Worry Be Happy.

More simplification...

I’m not an expert… but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express once. But I doubt that it makes me an authority on anything other than room service. Certainly, I am not a medical professional. I have done some research and what I have come up with, I’m willing to share with you.

A few days ago I wrote about the liver. Today I’ll try to simplify the workings of the pancreas and kidneys. These are both vital organs and, it would seem to me, we should do everything in our power to keep them healthy and happy.

The pancreas has two functions, one is to supply enzymes that aid in digestion and the other is to regulate our blood sugar. It is located behind the stomach and is surrounded by the portal vein which is one way blood is supplied to the organ.

Enzymes important to digestion are produced in the pancreas and are released when food enters the stomach through the pancreatic duct. These enzymes juices are known as bile.

ALCOHOLIC PANCREATITIS

With excessive use of alcohol the bile ducts become block due to inflammation and other factors. The inflammation is similar to swelling around the opening which decreases the flow of bile. Just as in the liver, scarring in this duct can also block the flow. That, in turn, causes a build of up bile inside the liver creating high levels of bilirubin in the blood.

The unfortunate trait of the pancreas is that it is digestible by our bodies and the build up of bile causes the pancreas to start being digested. From the way I understand, our pancreas eats itself because it can’t get out to eat anything else.

Medical attention and a hospital stay may be necessary where the alcoholic’s condition can be monitored. But the only real solution to the self-digestion is for the alcoholic to stop and not resume alcohol consumption.

KIDNEY FUNCTION

Let us assume that Mr. Jones is an alcoholic and has been diagnosed with Cirrhosis and/or Chronic (which means it happens over and over again) Pancreatitis. Because of his condition other parts, or organs, of his body are going to be affected. Alcohol is a toxin that is being induced and circulated in the blood stream. The liver is not removing the toxins because the ducts are closed and the blood cannot enter the organ. Also the pancreas is not breaking down the sugars or regulating his glucose because it’s busy feasting on itself. So – the toxins are taking a journey through his body’s internal super-highways.

One stop on this highway is the kidneys. Within less than a half-hour of consumption, alcohol produces the need to urinate. The more alcohol consumed the more trips Mr. Jones takes to the men’s room. All this bathroom activity is diluting the amount of fluid in the body. Mr. Jones can actually become dehydrated from all the booze he is drinking. It seems like a contradiction that he is drinking fluid and yet doesn’t have enough in his body.

Since Mr. Jones has been diagnosed with Cirrhosis, he has a tendency to retain salt. This causes a progressive accumulation of fluid which ends up in the abdominal cavity. In a quick glance at Mr. Jones, one would think he might be pregnant. The truth is his abdomen has so much fluid that he appears to be pregnant or have a “beer belly”. This accumulation is called “ascites.” This accumulation can continue to other parts of the body such as legs and arms.

All of this fluid in the empty spaces of Mr. Jones body may create many other complications, such as pressure on the heart. A heart attack may be the end result.

So now, Mr. Jones has blood that is heavy on toxins and his body is undue stress from the fluid build up. In my opinion, it’s time for Mr. Jones to take a cold hard look at what his alcoholism has done to his physical well-being and admit himself to a detox and rehab center.