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Immortal Alcoholic's Wife

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Old fashioned marriage...

I’m old school. I freely and openly admit that I was raised in an era when things are now looked upon as “out of date.” I’m not alone. I’m a baby-boomer and, last I heard, we make up the majority of the senior citizen pool. I’m just freakin’ fine with that. I’m proud to be from the time warp where family was everything and a person’s handshake was as good a signature. I drank from the water hose and rode my bike without a helmet. Those were the days my friend.

Riley is nine years older than me. But, I know his childhood was, generally, much the same as mine when it came to how things were back in the day. We were raised with a certain mind-set, a certain set of beliefs and the knowledge that if we worked hard and paid our dues – in the long run – we would reap the reward of the golden years. We didn’t know that the “Golden Years” are not for sissy’s.

Both, Riley and I, were sixteen years old when we got our first bonafide job. We started paying income taxes and into our Social Security plan and we were proud to do it. We believed this was in our best interest as well as our country’s. Riley is now 73 and I’m 64. We’ve been paying into Social Security for the better part of 50 years. If we added up all the money we have paid into the program, I would imagine it would be a sizable amount even though we were always a middle-income couple.

When I found out that Medicare – part of our Social Security program – wasn’t going to pay for Riley’s nursing home, I was a bit taken aback. How could we be paying into something for so long not help us at a time when it was most needed?

The truth is… I’m not alone in the belief that Medicare will take care of us. When I met with the social worked at the Veteran’s Administration, she explained that many people are under the false impression that Medicare will pick up the slack. Yes. Medicare will pick up certain expenses, but the reality is they will not pay for any type of custodial care. She explained further that when reality hits, it creates a form of culture shock. People in my age bracket have worked most of their lives and enjoyed the fruits of their labor – such as health insurance. When they retire, the company provided health insurance goes away or becomes too expensive to continue. They are left with Medicare which covers many things and is a Godsend when illness takes over. But, it leaves a lot uncovered and the quality of care often goes down considerably.

Riley and I have always been well-insured between his military medical and my private health insurance; we had our choice of the best doctors and hospitals. You would think when Medicare got added to the mix, we would be even better off. When I was forced into retirement, I could not pay for the private health insurance. Somehow I had the mindset that we would be OK because we had both military and Medicare. But it was simply just a false sense of security. When it was explained to me, I thought – OK that was a kick in the reality pants. What’s next?

I never in my life thought I would be applying for Medicaid. In the past we had enough money to take care of ourselves and I would never imagine that I’d be faced with asking my government for money to help support me. This feels like Welfare and I’m just not a Welfare person. BUT WAIT!!! As the social worker so aptly put it – have I not been paying taxes for about 50 years? Have I not paid into the system? The answer was YES – I (we) had been paying and paying into the system for the majority of our lives. It’s not “Welfare”. It’s a benefit from living in this country and paying my dues. I’m not asking the taxpayers to foot my bill – I am asking for the use of the money I have contributed. I know there was no “Medicaid” account deduction on my paycheck, but isn’t it implied? I had before never seen it from that point of view.

I really don’t want Medicaid to pay for Riley’s nursing home expenses. I’d rather get the assistance in the form of an allowance for a personal care attendant for Riley. That seems reasonable to me. It’s the only way I can save my sanity and still tend to Riley’s care.

As far as Medicaid taking all of Riley’s income to pay for a nursing home, that doesn’t seem unreasonable to a certain degree. If I could maintain a portion of his income and give the rest to the nursing home, I might be able to get my mind around it. But, that leads to a whole other issue that also seems to be “old school.”

Back in my day when a couple married – they truly married. Their lives became one just as their assets and debts were combined. Both paychecks went into one bank account and the bills were paid without regard as to which of the couple initiated the expense. The house payment was not divided into his and hers. The car payments were not split by the one who drove the car the most often. Everything was shared – money, cars, house, children, mothers, fathers… everything became the property of the couple who were now ONE entity.

I sometimes hear my niece say that her husband couldn’t pay his share of the house payment or his car payment this month and I wonder if they are married or just roommates. I know it is not this way with all young couples, but it seems to be getting to be the norm rather than the exception. That’s not how I have viewed my marriage with the exception of the time when we were separated. Then Riley was on his own and I supported myself.

When I took Riley back in there were expenses that needed to be met and his lack of responsibility for his credit cards needed to be reckoned with. Once again, we combined the money and I managed to dig him out of the hole he had created while still maintaining the obligations I had created before he came back. Besides that there were issues of the expense of taking care of him – personal aides, diapers, etc., etc. Using my employment income and his income, I managed to provide him with everything he needed – everything WE needed. And now, since I am retired, I have replaced the employment income with a social security check – a far less amount.

We have encumbered “joint” responsibilities – such as the lease on a house that accommodates our needs. I’m still paying on many of his prior obligations – such as a tax debt that I will be held responsible for as his legal spouse even after his death. Since his heart attack, any money we had put aside was used to meet transportation and other expenses while being at his side in the hospital which was more than two hours from home. He has had special needs with being in the nursing home as well. Why should I not use his (our) income to help pay for these encumbrances? Should I just ignore the bills and say “Oh well…”?

A divorce will not solve my financial problems. Any encumbrances made while legally married will still be my responsibility even after divorce. Also, if I divorce now, I will lose the only health insurance I have – my TriCare through the military. We need to stay married for another year for me to be “grandfathered” into TriCare. And I won’t be eligible for Medicare for another year. I will also lose the ability to receive the Veteran’s Admin allowance called “Dependent’s Indemnity Compensation.”  Divorce is not a good option for me.

My daughter reassures me that she will not take her father into her home. She says she is past it. But, I don’t trust that she will be able to stand by that decision as she watches him slip further downhill. I don’t trust that she has that resolve. My grandson, has shown incredible grief as he sat by Riley’s bed waiting for him to die. I didn’t expect that. I still must be the barrier between Riley, Alea and Ryan.

One of my readers believes I’m just after Riley’s “pension” money. Well… I guess she’s right. I DO want to be able to keep using the money in his retirement check. We are a legally married couple who have made financial commitments that are binding to us as a unit of one. I’m not willing (nor able) to go back to work full-time in order to meet obligations that are the responsibility of both of us. It might kill me to have Riley come back home and have to manage his care, but it will definitely kill me if I try to go back to being an employee in the working world. I’ll leave that job for someone who needs it more than I – like parents trying to raise their youngsters.

When I thought Riley wasn’t coming home, I started to prepare for a big loss of income. Moving with the grandkids and settling into a much smaller place was part of the plan. But, I was also looking forward to a future that included new adventures – like taking the OARS Group to the next level of public meetings. It will still happen – all of it will happen – it’s just that my timeline will be extended.

 Am I still in prison? Yes. But, it’s up to me to make those bars more elastic that they have been. I may not be able to escape permanently for a while – but I’ll still venture out when I can.

Outwit, outlast, survive...

I should have expected that something weird would happen on Friday the 13^th. But, I’ve always ignored the connotations of bad luck and simply gone on about my business. I didn’t see why this Friday the 13^th would be any different. In fact, I had planned the first ever public OARS meeting for that day. I figured that it might be a bad day for caretakers of end-stage alcoholics and that they might need some extra support. I was not prepared for how my day would go from a personal point of view.

The day before 13^th, I had received a phone call from the hospice nurse informing me that Riley was going to be removed from the hospice program because he appeared, physically, to be improving. In order for him to stay in the program, there had to be a decline in his condition. There was none. However, hospice does not do lab tests. So they really could not determine that Riley was dying from end-stage liver disease. All they knew was that he was not as yellow, eating well, and generally had a good attitude.

I asked what that meant to me. What would happen next? I was informed that Riley would stay in the nursing home. Nothing really would change except he would no longer be under VA’s hospice care program. OK. That was acceptable to me. I didn’t see a problem.

On Friday the 13^th I received a call from the business office of the nursing home. A very pleasant young lady wanted to know how they should proceed with the billing of Riley’s account since VA would no longer be paying for him being a patient. The daily cost will be $250/day which comes to more than $7,000 per month. I was a little taken back, because I thought VA or Medicare would be paying for his continued stay. No. VA doesn’t pay for any custodial care. Neither does Medicare nor TriCare. The only way to keep Riley in the nursing home was for him to be admitted to the hospital for three days. Upon his hospital discharge he could go directly back to the nursing home. The only problem is that there is no viable reason for Riley to be admitted to the hospital.

I explained that I am not physically capable to taking care of him. What would happen if I just didn’t come get him? The answer was that they would keep him, but they would start billing me for the $7K each month plus incidentals.

There had to be some other options. People have elderly family members put into nursing homes all the time. How did they do it?

I was advised to apply to Medicaid to try to get some assistance. But, I’m sure I make too much money for that type of aid. Then I was told that if I used the Medicaid option, all of Riley’s income would go toward the nursing home. I would be left with only income that I had separate from Riley. Well… since I’ve retired, that would leave me with only my Social Security. While I know that people live on less, I didn’t see how I would be able to pay my $1100 rent and my utilities with my $1200 per month. This did not seem like a viable option.

My next step, in the panic of realizing that Riley may in fact be coming home, was to start making phone calls. I tried everywhere in the Veterans Administration but it was Friday and all my calls were going to voicemail. I tried Medicare. I got a real person but the info provided was what I already knew. I called Medicaid and again there was no new discovery there. This Friday the 13^th was not turning out very well for me.

Images of me trying to get Riley into the van, out of the van, up the steps and into the house was more like a slap-stick comedy. Then there was the issue of not having a bed for him since I had gotten rid of the feces and urine saturated bedding long ago. How would I tend to his personal needs and still keep myself safe? I wasn’t sure and no one had any answers.

Late in the afternoon the hospice nurse called to tell me that they had decided not to discharge Riley until Friday of the following week. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I had a week reprieve. Maybe I could get some help from someone.

I walked around the country house and saw all the boxes I had packed in anticipation of moving closer to the kids. I beat myself up over not listening to my gut instincts. I knew deep down that Riley is immortal. I didn’t truly believe that he was never coming home no matter how many times I had been told those words over and over again. Even when I gave my landlady notice, I had a little twinge in my stomach that something was just not right. I went ahead and made plans and proceeded to act on them.  I convinced myself that I could trust the medical community and move forward in my life. After all, more than five med pros had told me that Riley would be in a nursing home for the rest of his life.

The following Monday I was back on the phone again. I talked to the head of the VA hospice program for our area and even she was confused as to what had happened. She requested his records so she could review the decision. In the meantime, she told me to prepare for his homecoming but that she would not allow him to be discharged until the last day of July. I told her that if he comes home there is a good chance that I will die before him. I asked her what would happen to him then? She had no answer. I mumbled something about how irritating it was that my life is expendable in order to save his – a life that he clearly did not want.

I’ve called the Senator’s office again and they are trying to rush through Riley’s disability application in order for me to have the funds I need to hire a personal care aide. The VA has provided me with a hospital bed and wheel chair. I just found out I can also get other items I will need, like ramps into the house and van.

Today I will send an e-mail to my landlady and ask if I can stay another 30 days at this house. My plan was to stay with the kids for a while, but there isn’t enough room for both me and Riley. And I don’t want Riley around the small children. If my landlady does not agree – I don’t know where we will be living. If I can stay, I’ll have 30 days to find a place suitable for the two of us in the same town as the kids. It will have to be a cheap place because the cost of an aide will quickly empty what is left of our shrinking bank account.

As with every difficulty in my life, I always find a way to accomplish what needs to be done. Sometimes the way isn’t pleasant or what I want – but I survive. I know that the odds are against me right now. I know my health is not where it should be to take on the task of caretaking Riley. I know I’m in danger. Knowing all that means I must do everything I can to make sure that Riley does not outlast me. I am digging through all the packed boxes and looking for my “survivor hat.” I know it is in here somewhere…

Save the children...

I didn’t grow up in an alcoholic home. I had a cousin who died of alcoholism, but as a child I never experience any effects of his alcoholic behavior. I also had an uncle who always drank too much at Christmas and was very funny. I only saw him a couple of times a year, so if he drank more often than Christmas, I had no knowledge of it.

My father served in the Army Air Corp during World War II and was a radioman for bombers. His best friend was a gunman and sat in a glass dome on the airplane. After many missions the plane was shot down, but the first hit was the glass dome. My father tried frantically to get to his friend, but could not reach him. The friend was sucked out of the dome and his body was never found. My father never flew another mission. He went on leave and before he could get back into a plane, the war was over.

My mother told me once that my father had a lot of drunken days when he was first discharged from the Army. The drinking lasted for about a year after they were married. Then, according to my mother, one day my father just decided to let go of the pain and guilt he felt about his friend’s death and quit over-indulging in alcohol. She didn’t know what the catalyst was but she was grateful to whoever or whatever it was that made him “see the light” as she put it.

All that happened way before they had children. It wasn’t for another two years before my older brother was born. So we never witnessed my father in a drunken stupor. Was my father an alcoholic? I don’t think so. He did drink a time or two during my childhood – a highball at Christmas, champagne at weddings, a hot toddy when he had a cold – that was about it. A bottle of whiskey could sit in our cupboards for several years and not go dry.

What if things had not turned out that way? What if my father continued along a path of self-destruction? Would I be the same person I am today? Would any of my four brothers be the people they grew up to be? I think not. I think we might not have grown into the strong determined people we are today. We’ve all had issues. We’ve all been rebellious. But in the end we are turned out to be responsible, caring adults with a strong sense of family and a healthy work-ethic. I think that maybe we might have lost the ability to be those things if my father had not stopped drinking.

Children who grow up in alcoholic families have a tough time in life. They have difficulties in school and lack language and reasoning skills. It is difficult for them to solve problems in work assignments and that falls over into social relationships. If they have a friend and the friendship hits a rough spot, it is often difficult for them to find a way of working it out. These children often have a low opinion of themselves because they cannot control everything that goes on in the home environment. Other children strive for perfection and receive high academic grades. They believe if they are perfect enough, then maybe the alcoholic will stop drinking.

In short, children have an over inflated idea of their responsibility for the alcoholic’s drinking. They do not understand that they did not cause it and they cannot control it. All this leaves them with an overwhelming sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

It is not surprising to me that children who grow up in alcoholic families have a tendency to become alcoholics themselves. It is unclear if the alcoholism is a result of nature or nurture. I don’t think there is enough conclusive evidence to make that determination. But I do know one thing for absolute certainty and that’s that there is no room for children in an alcohol infected home.

I have often thought that if my son had not been raised in the presence of alcoholism, he might not have ever started drinking alcoholicly. Maybe my son would still be alive if I had left Riley and removed both of my children from the influence of alcoholism. However, Riley wasn’t around very much because he was deployed with his Navy unit for more than 50% of their childhood. So was Brian the recipient of some biological gene that he inherited from his father? It is just not clear. There were other factors that played a part in his death that had nothing to do with alcohol. But the end result is the same – my son died from alcohol related causes.

On the other hand, my daughter Alea, has no penchant towards over-indulgence in any type of alcoholic beverage. I’m sure she has experienced being drunk and has had a hangover in her earlier, wilder years. But, she is not much of a drinker. So what does that mean? She is Riley’s step-daughter, so she did not inherit any of Riley’s genes. But her teen years were difficult and filled with inappropriate behavior causing me to anxiously await her turn home after every evening that she went out. She protected Riley fiercely – after all he had been her father since she was six months old. They had a special bond that got stronger as she got older.

I just can’t help thinking that if I had left Riley and stayed away from him while the children were still very young, they would have a different life now. Maybe Brian would be alive to enjoy his life and maybe Alea would not have struggled so hard during her teen years. I’ve always believed that it takes a village to raise a child. If I had taken my children back to my village of non-alcoholic residents – my family – and provided them better examples of how to live their lives, maybe things would have been different.

My children are incredible. They are strong, independent, loving and I’m so very proud of them, even though one is gone. But, if I had it to do over again, I would not have subjected them to life with an alcoholic. If I had understood then what I understand now – I would not have hesitated for a moment.

If you are struggling with a decision of whether to leave your alcoholic consider the cost of staying from your children’s point of view. If you have very young children, do some research and find out what they might have to endure while wrapped in that insanity. It is scary to think about. Put yourself in your children’s situation. How would you want your childhood to be?

I hereby declare...

Today is Independence Day. I’ve already celebrated our country’s most patriotic holiday with my family on the Outer Banks, but today I’m going to have another celebration. Today’s celebration is for my own independence.

As the wife and caretaker of an end-stage alcoholic, there is no independence. Everything is done based on the needs of the alcoholic or the needs of protecting the home and others from alcoholic behavior. No matter how detached you are, there is still this invisible chain between the caregiver and the alcoholic.

My independence has taken a long time to achieve. Even now, I still have that invisible chain attached. But the chain is lighter in weight and doesn’t chaff me where it is attached to my body.  I’m doing things I want to do based on my own schedule. With Riley in the nursing home, I am able to get a sense of freedom.  The lighter weight chain is the one that has me going to the nursing home and visiting Riley every second or third day. The chain is about monitoring his care, providing direction, and attending doctor appointments. Before the chain was just a burden, now it’s productive. I guess that is what makes it seem to weigh less.

One of my commenters suggested I had had a “change of attitude”. I’m not so sure that my attitude has changed at all. I still think Riley is immortal. I still will protect my daughter from taking him into her home. I still feel the demands of fighting perceptions and sharing my knowledge and experience. If anything has changed it is my ability to see the possibility of a more productive and pleasant future.

These past couples of weeks have been very productive and I’m excited to report that the first ever real-live, in-person OARS F&F Group will meet in the real office of my addiction counselor friend. In my small town there is only one Al-Anon meeting. I believe this addition of the OARS group will fit in nicely with its meeting time of 4 p.m. on a Friday. Drunken weekends start on Fridays; this may help the caretaker deal more sensibly with the insanity of alcoholic-ness. If this goes well, I will consider starting a group on the Outer Banks and the Tidewater area. If you in the area, please join us on the third floor of the Old Bank of America Building, Broad and Eden Streets, Edenton, NC.

I’m also pleased to announce that the Veterans Administration Caregiver Support Division of Hampton Roads and North Carolina, have asked me to help set up a veteran caregiver support group. They have volunteered to work with me in the OARS endeavor and in return I will help with establishing their support group. It is such an incredible honor to be asked to help them. We’ve already set up our first meeting time and place and I’m anxious to get started. If you’re in the Elizabeth City area and want to attend the caregiver’s meeting it is going to be held on Tuesday, July 17^th at 10 a.m. in the Albemarle Veterans Primary Care Clinic, 1845 West City Drive, Elizabeth City, NC. Although this is sponsored and supported by the Veteran’s Administration, the meetings are open to all caretakers in the general public.

The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife is finished and currently being read by my daughter and grandson. When they have finished reading, it will be offered on this blog. The one offered on the blog will be “bare bones” in a simple PDF version. A real e-book version will be out within the next couple of months. I know many of you have been chopping at the bit for this book and I just don’t want you to have to wait any longer.  My hope is that an agent might take an interest in representing me to a publisher.  

Riley’s health condition has improved, but the brain function needed to live on his own is just not there. He is unable to walk on his own and therefore unable to tend to his bathroom needs. We don’t know for a fact that he had another stroke, but his right side is only minimally functional. He has stopped pleading with me to take him home, but I am still trying to find a different facility for his long-term care.

As far as my health goes, I’m now able to get through the day without a nap. I still rest in the afternoon, but I seldom fall asleep. I have made an appointment with a primary care doctor who has an excellent reputation as a diagnostician. I won’t be starting my food program until I’ve managed to eat my way through everything in the freezer. Once it’s empty, I can move it to the Outer Banks and just buy the appropriate foods that I need each week. I’m still not getting enough exercise, but also will change when I make the move.

I have a lot to celebrate. Even though I’ll be cooking only for myself, I won’t let that stop me from having some of the traditional 4^th of July favorites – my yummy potato salad, curry-ginger deviled eggs, grilled steak, and fresh fruit salad… This year I think I might have some sparkling cider to toast to my survival through insanity.

Live cells v. dead cells...

Last week Riley had an appointment with a Veterans Administration doctor in order to set up a primary care relationship with the local VA clinic. I had originally thought it was an evaluation for his disability compensation claim, but I was wrong. This appointment was only to do with his request for VA medical services.

I’ve heard a lot of horror stories about these clinics and the medical staff. If this clinic is representative of other centers, those horror stories are without merit. I found the clinic to be very clean and well equipped. The staff was friendly and cooperative. Things felt as though they had all been trained in the art of efficiency and customer service. I was impressed.

I was also impressed with the demeanor of the doctor that had been assigned to us. He was knowledgeable and spoke to me as one human being to another. He didn’t use medical-eze which would leave me running to Wiki to find out what he had said. He was a real person who used his own personal experiences to show that he understood what we had been going through. He explained and when I left I felt we had a plan of action and I knew the consequences of all the possibilities.

While we were all talking and relating, he was examining Riley. It wasn’t a huge exam. There was no disrobing or standing and touching his toes, but rather simple things.  To a lay person it might seem that he did next to nothing of a real exam. That assumption would have been wrong.

This is what I learned –

The liver can, in fact, regenerate new cells and continue to function. However, there must be a sufficient amount of LIVE cells for regeneration. DEAD cells are just dead. They cannot regenerate. The just remain as scar tissue impeding proper function. If the liver has been constantly asked to recreate itself over and over again, it will get to a place where the regeneration cannot replace all the cells that have been killed by the intruding factor. New cells WILL regenerate, but the question is will it happen fast enough?

The only way to really determine how much of the liver is functioning is to do a biopsy. It’s a simple procedure of inserting a needle into the liver and withdrawing a sampling of the cells. Without the biopsy there is no way of telling the percentage of dead cells versus the live ones. However, the procedure generally causes heavy amounts of bleeding. Alcoholics are susceptible to having bleeding issues and are not good candidates for the biopsy. In Riley’s case the risk of him bleeding out is not worth taking the chance that a biopsy would present. So for Riley -- we don’t know and we won’t know how much of his liver has the capacity to regenerate.

The same theory works for LIVE cells and DEAD cells in the brain. However, the brain is not as forgiving as the liver. Alcohol anesthetizes many of the cells so that they do not function properly. Other brain cells are simply killed off. As the alcohol stops entering the brain, these anesthetized cells seem to wake up and start functioning again. But the dead ones are just gone forever.

It is obvious from observing Riley that he has made a remarkable improvement. However, he is now about a month from the heart attack and the condition he is in currently is about as good as he is going to get.  He will have very good days and very bad ones. But this is what it is and this is what it will be.

I’ve been trying to visit Riley at least every two days. Sometimes it’s longer. Visiting him less often allows me to see his progress more clearly. If I see him every day the subtle changes may not be as noticeable to me.  And I DO see changes. His eyes are much clearer and skin is not as yellow. He doesn’t mumble so much when he talks. He is able to follow a conversation – to a certain degree. He is also developing a desire to maintain his personal cleanliness and keep track of the schedule. He knows that does NOT want to be there. He wants to come home so that he can drink.

 S..i..g..h..

This puts me in a Catch-22 position. If he stays in the facility, he will not drink and live longer and healthier. If he comes home and can get alcohol, he will most likely die within a year but be happier about where he lives. I would like to say that this is about the “quality” of his life. But that is subjective. What would be a quality life for me would probably make him miserable.

There is the issue of having him come home endangering my health. Caretaking him has had a huge negative effect on me personally and medically. I have no desire to die. I asked Riley how he would feel if he came home and then woke up one day to find me dead on the kitchen floor. His response was that he would be worried about who would be taking care of him now. WOW!! There was no expression of regret or even that he would miss my company. His only concern was how my death would possibly upset his living arrangements.

The doctor at the clinic has noted in Riley’s file that he should be institutionalized because he is a danger to himself and others due to the fact that he will not stop drinking. Even if Riley is not displaying any outward signs of needing hospice, he is still terminally ill which will only be intensified by his return to drinking.

On my plate for today, I must request a comprehensive neurological psychiatric evaluation to determine if he is competent to make his own decisions. If he is deemed incompetent, he will not be able to make the choice of staying in a facility or coming home. If he is, in fact, competent he will be allowed to make his own bad choices. But… really… isn’t that what he’s been doing all along??

Help me help Anonymous...

I would like to refer my readers to a post written on March 14, 2012 "Crying wolf..." Not only is this post appropriate for the current time, it also contains a comment from a person who needs a little help.

This person is addicted to alcohol and drugs and has managed to achieve some sobriety after a visit to rehab. Currently he/she has slipped and is struggling to get "back on track." I'm asking all of my readers who have been in this position to please offer some encouragement and support.

I'm not an alcoholic so I can't ever truly understand to my core how difficult it is to "get a gripe." I know my limitations. So I'm reaching out to all of you to help me help Anonymous find the way back to sanity.

Thank you very much --- Linda

To Anonymous (the last commenter on "Crying wolf...") --

I hope you are reading this and will know that the support here is heartfelt from people who could have written your story themselves. Please reach out and return to a life filled with possibilities.

Linda

No longer sequestered...

I just spent the past week in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. The time spend with my grandkids and great-grandkids is priceless.  However, this visit was a bit more stressful for me.

Whenever I visit, I always think to myself that I can maintain all my communication and contact with my readers and OARS members via the internet. My left-coast family and the Riley’s nursing home/staff always can reach me via my cell phone. I’m not cut off from the world. I’m still here.

The only problem with that scenario is that the kids’ internet access was not working. They usually have free public access as a benefit for living in a resort community. But, for some reason it was not working. I packed up the laptop and went to the local MacDonald’s where there was always free wi-fi. But I got zip. Nada. Nothing. I spied another person on their laptop and asked if they were able to connect with the web. She told me she hadn’t been able to connect no matter where she was on the OBX. Oh! Well… this was not good.

After a couple of days the frustration seemed to fade away and I was able to relax and not be glued to the computer. It was actually rather pleasant. I was worried that my readers might think I had abandoned them, but realized that this was just a way of having a forced vacation.

I played hide and seek and build forts out of sheets and dining chairs. I cooked dinners that contained all four food groups. My great granddaughter went out looking for houses. I watched a countless number of Storage Wars with my granddaughter-in-law. I focused only on those days and I didn’t seem to worry much about what was going to happen when I went home.

There was a down side to my visit. I had taken Jade with me because I had no one to check on her at home. I had no dog sitter. She loves an adventure, so she happily jumped into the van when I called her. She was even happier when I made a stop at the nursing home so she could visit with Riley. She climbed right into the bed with him and gave him doggie kisses all over him. Clearly, she had missed him and was happy to make the reconnection. So far so good…  I thought.

The kids live in a typical beach box with is just a bit larger than a three bedroom apartment sitting on top of pilings. There is a yard, but it is not fenced in. They have a dog of their own – a sweet grey dog about half of Jade’s size.  He’s a little boy named Bently who is really still a puppy, so he’s full of energy. Bently walks on a leash and also does his business on a designated area of the deck. He’s a good boy. But – he is not neutered yet and thinks Jade, who lost her puppy-making-equipment  several  years ago, should be his girlfriend. Never mind that Jade is twice his size and totally not interested – Bently loves her. Bently wants her. Jade tolerates him.

Jade was pretty good about using the deck, but she would often go to the door and ask to go out. She’s 65 pounds and is not well trained in leash etiquette. She pulls as I try to walk her and I’m not strong enough to keep her under control. As a result, her outdoor time was limited. Indoors, she would play with Bently until she would get tired of his unwanted advances and then snap at him. They would both settle down for naps when Jade made it clear she had had enough. Jade is very patient with the little ones and allowed them to pull on her ears and give her hugs.

I can image the frustration Jade felt from being cooped up in a relatively small space with no freedom to run the fields or chase after mice, rabbits or birds. I equate her frustration to being similar to what I feel when I’m cooped up in the house with Riley for weeks on end. I can also see how it would be similar to Riley now being in a small nursing home room rather than the big space he had in the country house.

Now I am faced with giving up this country home and moving to the OBX. I know it will be a move that will make me more accessible to the kids which is what I want. As much as I dislike living in the OBX, I know it will be good for me. However, this will be a challenge. Rentals are scare here at this time unless, of course, I want to pay $3K for a place right on the beach. I must provide a place for Jade to have some access to the outdoors. There must be room for Riley if he should be able to return home. And I prefer it to provide some privacy and not be on pilings. It’s a tall order for that area.

For me, this move will mean I’m no longer sequestered in a remote area. As much as I love it here, I love my family more. All of the space out here, creates a similar frustration as Jade being coped up inside my grandson’s house. The loneliness of the open space makes it feel confining.

If I could pick up this property with the horse paddocks and open fields and transport it to Kill Devil Hills, none of us would feel confined or restricted. It would be the perfect situation. Even Bently could come to visit and chase Jade all around the paddocks. He’d never catch her – but he’d certainly have fun trying.

Am I an alcoholic?

I received this e-mail yesterday and I thought I should respond openly so that others may have the benefit of my response. I want to emphasis here that I’m not a professional anything. I’m also not an alcoholic and so my viewpoint is from someone who has not had the painfully gripping experience of addiction. That is – except for my morning coffee.

Hi Linda –

 I've been reading your blog for probably a year or so now. I don't recall how I stumbled upon it exactly, but I immediately took an interest. I'm 24 years old and I'm working on figuring out the extent of my problem with alcohol. I identify with a lot of what you have written in your blog, enough so that it causes me to worry about what the future may have in store for me if I continue along my current path.

It's certainly been addressed to some extent in what I have read in your blog, but I'm curious about Riley's history with alcohol. I would like to know how he got to where he is now. I'm very curious how much drinking it takes to wreck the havoc upon one's body that it has in Riley's case. How long did he drink and how much? I realize this may be a somewhat nebulous question, but as I read your blog I always find myself wondering how much does it take for a person to end up like Riley has.

As well, if it's not too difficult or personal to discuss, I'm also curious about your son, and his drinking in contrast to Riley's and the fact that Riley has some how managed to survive despite all odds.

If this is something you would like to post on your site I have no problem with you sharing my email.

Thank you.

Steve

In one of the pages on my blog, I write about the different stages of alcoholism. For the most part, Riley’s drinking route follows that road map. In my opinion, Riley’s alcoholism kind of snuck up on him and once it was there it was a permanent resident. I don’t know if it is that way for most alcoholics, but no one ever says “I’m going to start drinking booze until I become so addicted that I cannot live without it.” No one has ever made a conscious decision to become an alcoholic.

Back in the Navy days of the late 70s and early 80s, alcohol was an accepted form of beverage at recreational activities. There were “beer ball games” and “initiations” and “balls” and “cook outs” – and getting drunk was a pretty accepted way of celebrating. In Riley’s case, when the recreational time was over, he had difficulty making the transition back to serious work mode. While others were able to put aside the beer and wine, Riley was hooked on the euphoric feeling of drunkenness. I don’t know of ANYONE in Riley’s group during the late 70s and early 80s who became alcoholics from all the carousing that was done during that time. There may have been – I just don’t know about it.

So, for Riley, I believe it all started honestly enough. I think he truly believed he was not an alcoholic, but thought he was able to maintain his askew mental state by drinking small amounts each day. The only problem was that as he continued to drink, he was unable to drink in large enough quantities to keep up the desired “high” that he no longer wanted – but, in fact, needed.

Brian, on the other hand, follows a different scenario. In his teenage years into his early twenties, he did all the experimentation that parents frown upon. Alcohol did not seem to be something he was most interested in – it was other drugs that called his name. But, fortunately, he out-grew that craziness and went on to a wonderful job travelling the world and enjoying his bachelor life. He became a rational, responsible young man.

Alcohol did not become a part of his life until he became involved with a woman who was an alcohol abuser. To make a very long story shorter – he ended up quitting his travelling job and trying to settle down with this woman to whom he lost his heart. His life was never the same after that. He joined her in drinking and was often as drunk as she was.  That relationship ended, but the drinking remained.

It was only three years later, that Brian’s new girlfriend tried to communicate to me that his drinking had become a problem. In my opinion, she didn’t try hard enough to make me understand what was happening. I heard bits and pieces of things – innuendos and comments – but nothing that would alarm me to take a more proactive stand.

Less than one year after that brief communication by his girlfriend, my son was dead. 

The bottom line to all this is that there is no true and correct answer to the question of how long it will take for the alcohol level to become so high as to cause death. The style and progress of the drinking doesn’t really matter. The end result is the same – death.

Steve – my suggestion to you is to honestly look at your drinking and why you are imbibing. If you’re trying to maintain a certain level of “float-y-ness” then you are certainly on your way to a life of craziness. The fact that it is disturbing to you is also a cause for concern. Ask yourself this – is drunkenness the goal of a social function or is the goal enjoyment of family and friends? Would you decline an invitation to an event that doesn’t include alcohol? Do you leave the non-alcoholic event just to find the nearest means of getting drunk? If you are drinking at lunch or going to happy hour every night – you have a problem.

No one can say for sure if someone else is an alcoholic. Only you can make the determination. But, before you decide you are NOT, maybe you should go to a few AA meetings and talk to the people there. OR just listen -- you don’t have to say anything. The meetings are free and they are taking place everywhere.

One more thing you can try – just stop drinking. After a few days you will either be anxious to find a drink or you will not really care one way or the other. But, this is a dangerous precedent because often alcoholics say “I’m not an alcoholic because I quit drinking for (X number) of days and I was fine.” But, if that alcoholic returned to drinking and increased the intake – well – Houston -- there is a problem.

There is an excellent book named “Almost Alcoholic” that may help you. I’m not sure if it’s even been released yet. It was sent to me for review. The authors are Robert Doyle, MD and Joseph Nowinski, PhD and the book is being published by Hazelden. It was supposed to be out in April 2012. I think it might answer a lot of questions for you.

In my opinion, if you have the slightest little inkling that you MIGHT have a problem with alcohol – then stop drinking. If you find out you can’t stop – seek help. Do it now. Don’t wait until you’re under hospice care in a nursing home and think that you spend each night in the back of a truck at a residential fire. Don’t wait until you have no idea where you are or where you live or the names of the people who visit you. Don’t wait until you end up like Riley.

Life in Riley World...

The nursing home called me late Thursday evening. In fact, they called me twice. Riley had fallen out of bed two times and they needed to inform me of that right away. He was not physically hurt. It’s not clear if he simply rolled out of bed or if he tried to get out of bed. They no longer use bed rails in the home because patients try to climb over them and hurt themselves. So they have placed soft mats all around Riley’s bed in case he falls again.

If any of you get cards returned to sender, it is because the nursing home had a little “snafu” last week. There was a temp on the front desk and no one had informed her of Riley Riley being a patient. If your card was returned, I apologize. The situation has been resolved and if you want to try to send it again, the card WILL get to Riley.  He truly enjoys getting these cards and even asked me to read Syd’s card to him twice. Thanks Syd!

So… when I visited Riley on Friday morning, I asked him how he was feeling after his fall out of bed. He responded with laughingly telling me he had been forced out of bed by the baby which hasn’t been born yet. I asked him if he was the baby’s father. He said that Tom was the father. He proceeded to tell me that he spent most of the night in a truck with two other guys. The two guys were able to get out of the truck, but that he had to stay inside because they were on private property and it would have been illegal for him to step foot on the soil. He said he sat there for more than three hours.

He was in a talkative mood. Riley told me that there had been a lot of sirens last night. He knew there was something going on because the green fire trucks were out. He said they were a puke-colored green and this was the only town he knows of that has them.  They have yellow lights instead of red. I asked where these fire trucks were from and he said “right here”. I asked where we were and he said Clinton, IA. Well… he’s only about 1,500 miles from his actual location.

I wanted to see how much he was really mentally here. I asked him who I was. He said I was his wife. I asked him what my name was. He hesitated and then said “Linda?” I talked to him about Jade and Jax, but he had no response to that subject. I don’t think he knew who they were. I told him I was going to move in with the kids for a while. He said OK but he didn’t want to stay in the country without me. So it seemed he was able to connect a few things accurately. He also told me that Janet (he meant Debbie), the nurse, told him that he may have to go to an assisted living facility. I asked how he felt about that and he said he didn’t know.

I promised his brother that we could try a phone call. I dialed the number and put it up to Riley’s ear. I don’t know how disjointed the conversation was because I couldn’t hear his brother’s end. But, when he hung up Riley explained to me that his brother had been snowed into his house for the past few days because the storm hit him hard. His brother didn’t know how long it would be until the snow plows would be able to get him out. That was interesting because his brother lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and there has never been enough snow on the ground to create any sort of hazard let alone enough to “snow him in”.

At the end of our visit, as I was driving off to run some errands, it occurred to me that Riley was getting better as far as his body was concerned. But, his brain function is way off. It was entertaining to talk to him. He didn’t take any sips from his imaginary glass. He didn’t ask me when he was going to come home. Mostly he was just in his own world and he seems to be enjoying it there. For some reason, it makes me feel better about the entire situation. Maybe that’s because he actually appears to be happy in Riley World.