The last time we talked was right after my son died so it’s
been quite a while. He had no idea the direction I took after consoling me
after Brian’s memorial service. This friend never knew very much about my life
before I met him. He knew that I was separated from my husband because of his
alcoholism, but assumed there would be no divorce because I didn’t want to lose
my military benefits.
When I told him that I had taken my husband back in, he was
a bit surprised. He was not
surprised when I told him why I had done it. It seemed like what he would have
expected from me. There was no “OMG!” or “What were you thinking?” There was
just acceptance and understanding. That felt good.
I was happy to hear that he had a woman in his life and was
secure in that relationship. Believe me, he would be considered to be a “fine
catch” in almost anyone’s opinion. When my mother was alive, she would always
ask me “So what’s happening between you two? You know he’s the best one for
you.” I would explain that sometimes things are just best left in friendship
rather than push for something that could destroy everything. Mom didn’t buy my
theory. If there had been another daughter in the family, I’m sure she would
have been pushing her as well.
At this point in my life, the last thing I would ever
consider is a relationship with anyone. I have my family, dog, and cat and to
add a man would be simply insane. The fact that I have a husband is only a
minor issue. Riley and I have not been a truly married couple for so many
years, that sometimes it’s hard to remember what it was like to be happy to be
around him. I have to re-read chapters in my book to help me remember why I
fell in love with him in the first place.
Each time I read those chapters, I re-live the meeting and
early days of our courtship. Sometimes I think, “How naïve can a girl be?” and
get irritated that I fell for all the hearts and flowers. But, there was such sweetness
in Riley, a gentleness that most the men in my life (father, brothers, uncles, cousins)
never displayed except on rare occasions. Besides, the fact that my adult
relationship experience was non-existent, gave me no reference from which to
draw. I was like a lamb to the slaughter lead by a pied piper.
I’ve taken an excerpt from my book which talks about meeting
Riley.
The
weather was perfect for an evening walk. It was cool but not cold and the stars
lit up the sky with a silvery glow. Our apartment was only a block from the
lake which had a walking path completely around it. Walking around the lake was
a popular activity in this city.
We
took a couple of detours which allowed us to walk by stores that had closed for
the evening. The windows were lit and displayed their products vividly. We
discussed the fashion and I was full of myself as I explained the history of
the style of clothing. I was in my element.
At
the very far end of the lake there is a pergola that juts right into the lake.
Standing there you feel surrounded by the water and trees. It is truly a
beautiful place. That evening the moon shone across the smooth water like a
mirror. The stars got brighter as each hour took us deeper into the night.
That’s
where it happened. Riley kissed me. It was a sweet gentle kiss, but it was
filled with passion. I forgot about the divorce, kids, age difference, I forgot
all those red flags and enjoyed every second of that kiss.
We
walked home, holding hands and talking about things that didn’t really matter.
I was surprised when he asked me to have dinner with him on Saturday evening. I
wanted to say NO! Every fiber of my being screamed out STOP! He’s too old!!
He’s divorced with kids!! But, it seemed I was outside myself listening as I
heard the words flowing from my mouth… “I would love to have dinner with you.”
So much for being cautious.
It’s too bad that I didn’t listen to that little voice that
said NO. In the long run, it would have saved me from heartbreak and
disappointment. On the other hand, I would have missed a lot. I would not be
where I am today. I would not have had the experiences (good and bad) that I’ve
had over the years. As disappointed as I may be, I do not regret any part of my
life with Riley.
Whenever I re-read those chapters, it’s as though I’m
re-connecting with Riley. If just for a few minutes, I can connect with that
sweet-starry-eyed time and that makes me smile.