Channel 81 NOT 106!

The radio station for the broadcast is 81 and not 106 as I thought! Please tune in!

Radio and TV

Tomorrow Channel 106 of Sirius XM Radio hosted by Perri Peltz of HBO. Her guest will be Dr. Joe Nowinski and I've been asked to call in to tell a bit about the Immortal Alcoholic. Call the program with questions or comments.  877- 698-3627.

Sirius Radio
Channel 106
Topic: Heavy Drinker vs. Alcoholic
3 p.m. - 4 p.m. Eastern Time
Hosted by Perri Peltz, HBO
Guest: Dr. Joe Nowinski, author "Almost Alcoholic"
Call line: 877-698-3627 Phone calls from you are what will make this program great!

Hope to hear you there!!

ALSO (A note from Perri Peltz):

Chances are if you are reading the Immortal Alcoholic- you have a loved one or friend who has a problem with alcohol- or perhaps you yourself struggle with alcohol. Most likely- these relationships are complex and challenging. We are producing a documentary for a major cable network about people's  relationships with alcohol. Alcohol use if often depicted as black or white and yet the reality of these relationships are typically far more complex. We are trying to tell a different kind of story about people who fall into the more subtle and complex grey zone of alcohol use. Our goal is to feature about eight different people whose stories collectively illustrate the broad spectrum of modern day alcohol use.

If you are comfortable sharing your story- then please feel free to call or write.   We can be reached by email, docustories2014@gmail.com at or by phone at 212 512-1843 (your messages and our conversations are completely confidential). There is absolutely no pressure, nor obligation—we would love to explore the possibility of bringing your story, your perspective, to our audience.

Fat lady singing...

Many people believe that once an alcoholic has stopped drinking that the worst is over. People also believe that going to rehab for 90 days means there are only sunny days ahead. The reality is a far different picture from what many people believe.

When detox begins in a medically supervised arena, the brain begins to divest itself of the accumulated toxins that have been stored in the frontal lobe. It is a slow process to get rid of all that poison. In fact it takes FOUR years for the brain to be toxin-free. Even if there is zero alcohol in the blood stream, the alcoholic will be under the influence (even if minimally) for the next four years. So that means, while the person may be able to go back to work, repair broken relationships, find peace and in general return to a somewhat “normal” life – there is always the pull back to the bottle or vestiges of the alcoholic personality on a daily basis.

If a person goes to rehab for 90 days and then immediately goes back to drinking, it may be because that pull from the brain is over-riding any logical thinking process. Alcoholism is an addiction and it is difficult enough to break the addiction even if there were no left-over toxins interfering with logic, reason and emotion.

After the 90 days in treatment there must be a continuation of treatment for the alcoholic to ignore those pulls away from rationality. Most people continue their journey in a 12-step program, but there are other programs – Smart Recovery is just one example. In my opinion, support groups are great, but there needs to be that one-on-one counseling in order to keep working on the more intimate issues. The therapy must dig deep to find factors that may have encouraged the drinking in the first place. Was there a traumatic incident? Was there some PTSD, child abuse, or any other major life change around the time the drinking stepped up in pace? What are some of the triggers that may put the alcoholic into a tenuous situation? Usually many of these issues are not uncovered in a group atmosphere because they can be too personal, too painful to discuss openly. There is often not enough time inside the rehab center of other support groups. When things do start to become clear, it will take a lot of work to resolve the discovered issues in order to reach full recovery.

It doesn’t happen overnight; within a month, year, or more. It’s long and hard. It could take four years. The good news is that once these issues are uncovered it will then be possible for the alcoholic to start to truly recover. Dr. Phil says, “You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge.” No truer words have been spoken – in my opinion. I always say “Knowledge is power.”

Usually when a person comes out of rehab the family feels like they are on top of the world. There is hope; there is a promise of a normal life. It’s a “honeymoon” period where everything is sweet, loving and light. But for the family there is also the edginess of waiting for the other shoe to drop. They are cautious in their happiness. And that’s as it should be because it takes four years; it takes support groups; it takes counseling; it takes patience; it takes understanding; and sometimes it feels impossible.

In my case, Riley was once sober for just about five years – so what happened? He had gone over the four years so he should have been toxin-free. Rile was extremely active in AA. He had sober friends and attended booze-free activities. What Riley did not have was the one-on-one counseling. He did not ever reach a place where he could be completely honest about anything that may have contributed to his alcoholism. To this day, he will tell you the only reason he became an alcoholic was because he liked being drunk rather than sober. He did not care about destroying anyone else’s life – wife, kids, friends – and he openly admits this as the truth. But, he cannot tell you “why” he is this way. To top it off, he uses counseling sessions to convince himself that he is “not that bad.” He also thinks of his appointments as social events. As a result he is missing one of the key elements, in my opinion, to achieving life-long sobriety. It really isn’t over until the fat lady sings and for Riley, the fat lady is on stage without a microphone or a band – she’s not singing anytime soon.

Just a reminder – most of my posts are my opinion and based on my experience combined with research on the subject matter. I’m not a doctor, lawyer, therapist, or any other “professional”. I’m a survivor and that’s all I ever claim to be.

Help others by telling your story...

This was sent to me about an upcoming series that addresses the various stages of alcoholism. If you would like to participate in this program, please send a bit about your story to the below e-mail address. They are looking for people in all the various stages.

Our relationships with alcohol are complex and no longer fit the traditional black and white model of use and abuse. While many documentaries exist about alcohol abuse - we feel few reflect the realities that many of us face when it comes to our relationships with alcohol use.  Most of our stories are not black or white- but fall in the more subtle and complex grey zone. Our goal is to feature about eight different people whose stories are different but collectively illustrate the broad spectrum of modern day alcohol use.

We are three women working together on this documentary and we would love to hear from you. There is absolutely no pressure, nor obligation—we would love to explore the possibility of bringing your story, your perspective, to our audience.

We can be reached by email, docustories2014@gmail.com at or by phone at 212 512-1843. Please feel free to leave a confidential message.

I really like it that they recognize that traditional solutions may not be the answer. Your participation in this program will could help someone get the help they need. They are seeking both alcoholics and loved ones of alcoholics. This is not your typical TNT "Addiction" program.

Comments wanted...

Back in April 2012, I had a guest poster, Dr. Joseph Nowinski. He wrote about being “almost an alcoholic”. It was an exceptional post with many great comments. I want to thank my readers for being willing to share their thoughts with the rest of the world.

I’m going to ask you all to share bits of your life once again. Please review the guest post (the link is here):

http://immortalalcoholic.blogspot.com/2012/04/almost-alcoholic.html

After reviewing the post, please comment on how you think your life would have been different if you had read or had access to the book Almost Alcoholic back when the alcoholic in your life would have been considered a “heavy drinker” rather than an “alcoholic.” Would the book have made a difference?

Do you feel that reading the book now in conjunction with counseling from a qualified therapist / medical professional could change your life at the present time and/or possibly avoid full-blown alcoholism?

Dr. Nowinski is an internationally recognized clinical psychologist and author. He has blogs on the HuffingtonPost.com and PsychologyToday.com websites. For more information on Almost Alcoholic visit www.TheAlmostEffect.com. Dr. Nowinski’s website is www.joenowinski.com.

Thank you for participating in this survey. Your opinions and input are always very important to me. As always your privacy will be respected.

Who will win?...

I’ve been trying to write a post for some time now. Each time I add one to the blog I vow to myself not to go so long between postings, but time gets away from me and I find I’m always playing “catch-up.” Things were always bad when Riley was drinking constantly, consistently and predictably. Now that his body is not-so-functional from all the years of abuse, I find my life to be even more complicated than ever.

One of the medical professionals has told me that Riley’s dementia level is rated at 50% and another tells me he is more than that. I’m not sure what all the percentages mean, but I do know that living with him sober yet not rational is tiring.

He looks like a normal guy. He talks like a normal guy for short conversations. He can remember yesterday’s world news. He can even offer pros and cons when trying to make decisions. BUT… and there’s a big BUT… He often forgets entire days and within a couple hours will lose track of things I told him at breakfast. He talks about TV characters as though they are real people and respects the characters viewpoint often using it to make his own point about some situation or idea.

He falls often and each fall is immediately followed with “I’m OK.” He is stubborn refusing to use the cane or walker any more often than absolutely necessary and instead uses the furniture to maintain an upright stance. It’s probably why he falls so often. We have both tile and hardwood floors which mean falling can lead to a broken hip or injury to his head. He’s always OK and then a couple hours later he complains that his side hurts or his leg or his arm. I should not say the word “complain” because according to Riley he NEVER complains -- like it’s a sign of weakness or a lack of control. Instead he says he just states the facts.

He also never gets angry. At least he says he doesn’t get angry because anger is a waste of time and he is stronger than anyone who ever gets angry. Instead of coming out and staying that I infuriate him, he will be passive aggressive and do things like throw something of mine away.

I believe he is extremely angry with me and the entire world. He is angry because he is no longer in control of Riley World. He doesn’t get alcohol because I will not buy it. He can’t go to bars and clubs because I will not allow him to drive the car. He has no intimate contact with a female because I won’t find him a girlfriend. His drinking has caused any female relationships he has had to run far away from him. He still has faithful friends even though he does not want to communicate with them. Most of them are people he met when he was active in the AA program. They are still concerned and caring. But they are not the friends he wants. He wants his old friends – Aristocrat and Budweiser.  He has no computer access. His days are spent watching reruns of programs like Castle, Bones, NCIS, etc. Those are his friends now.

I do not feel sorry for him. He was warned so many times that he was destroying his body.  He always seemed to think it would never happen to him. He always claimed that he would live to 100 and be shot by a jealous husband. And he was so very proud that he would die in that manner. Now his dreams of that jealous husband are long gone. He is reaping what he has sowed. It didn’t have to be this way, but his choices have led him to be forced to live with a woman he does not like; in a place he does not like; and in a manner he does not like.

And yet – there are people who remark that it’s such a shame that this has happened to him. I agree. It is a shame that he never cared enough about his life to truly have a desire to save it. I want to scream that this didn’t just “happen” to him. Riley decided to take the risk and play that roulette wheel. He played and he lost. Of course, he didn’t want to lose in this manner. He wanted to lose with more finality. He wanted to die from drinking. He did not want to be crippled from it.

 And, according to Riley, his being alive is clearly my fault. This is the one thing he openly states causes him to be angry. Any chaos or problems he causes are things that I deserve because I didn’t let him die. Well… I’d love to say that I won’t make that mistake again but I’m not sure I can stand by those words. Instead I’ll just say that I hope he goes quietly and peacefully so I won’t notice and thus not feel obligated to call for help.

A reader asked how I was doing. Hmmm… I don’t think about that too much anymore. Outwardly, I’m OK. Inside I’m angry, tired, frustrated, and just want all this to be over. I try to be a good caretaker, but keeping someone alive is not an easy thing when life is not what is wanted if it doesn’t include alcohol. I’m surviving every day sometimes just hour by hour. The only way to I can make sense of all this is to make sure I stay healthy and outlive Riley. It would be a shame for my end to come simply from the exhaustion of being his caretaker. I actually WANT my life and have many things planned for my Riley-free days.

I have considered letting Riley have small amounts of alcohol at specific times. It was even suggested by a therapist that I give it to him much the same as a medication. It might solve some of the anger issues and give him enough of a buzz to keep him more complacent. It is a thought, but I’m not going there just yet. I’m already his warden and not sure if I want to take on the role of bartender. It would be one more thing added to my “to do” list for each day. My list is full right now and I don’t see room for one more thing.

How I am doing seems to not be so relevant to Riley’s medical personnel. Most people are more concerned for him than they are for me. So I want to thank you for asking. I appreciate the concern and hope that your situation is a bit easier than mine at this time. I also hope that if you can find help and support in your journey through this alcoholism hell. If you have the opportunity, try to get hospice involved to relieve you from having to make the hard decisions. If you qualify, get in touch with the Veterans Administration, especially if there is a disability compensation connection. Protect yourself – always be aware and compliant to your own needs.

Above all else, remember that if you die before the alcoholic  – alcoholism wins.

Month of love...

I always seem to struggle through the month of February. In my mind it’s a small month that is packed with stuff – National Freedom Day, Groundhog Day, Rosa Parks Day, National Wear Red Day, Lincoln’s Birthday, Susan B Anthony Birthday, President’s Day, and let’s add Arkansas’ Daisy Gatson Bates Day. In spite of all the listed holidays, February is still known to be the month of love. Valentine’s Day seems to over-shadow all the others.

My struggle with this month of love is that I am a romantic disguised as a cynic. I make jokes about the best thing about Valentine’s Day is the day after when the candy can be bought at 75% off. I send funny cards and reserve all my goosheyness for my great-grandbabies who loved getting my little gifts declaring my love for them. If you pull back the mask and look underneath you will find that I’m not just a romantic, I am utterly and completely hopeless. I am also a realist. I suppose that means I’m a realistic hopeless romantic.

I was watching a television program about a wedding. It was beautiful. The gown was incredible with bits of shiny beads, pearls and lace. It fit her like a glove and her beautiful figure was easily recognized. Flowers were everywhere and all the guests were both smiling and crying. It would surely be a day the couple would remember for the rest of their lives.

As I watched and listened I noticed that somewhere inside me I experienced a bit of stinging when the vows were said and done and the minister pronounced them “husband and wife.” It was like the words were said in slow motion – h u s b a n d   and    w i f e. That part is always saved to the end of the ceremony, like they don’t tell you the punch line of the joke until the end. Husband and Wife. As if their names were no longer John and Mary, but rather “husband and wife.” I turned off the television and decided to put it out of my mind by baking some bread. I like to bake as a distraction from things that are disturbing.

The baking didn’t help because I kept thinking that I didn’t really know what all that meant – or maybe I did know what it meant and was uncomfortable with it. I’m sure it’s the later of the two. I am a wife and I have a husband. It’s a path I chose many years ago – more than 40 in fact. It was decision made with open eyes. As is the case with most newlyweds, I was young and inexperienced. When I think about it now I don’t understand how young couples can be expected to make such life-altering decisions at such a delicate, tender, age. It’s like saying at age 15, I’m gonna love roses my entire life and then realizing when you’re 40, that you like hydrangeas better. I suppose that’s why divorce was invented.

Strangely, I've never been a wife to a man that I felt I could have spent my entire life with. I've been married to an abuser (Peter) and to a drunk (Riley). If I have to measure, I have far more affection for Riley than I ever had for Peter which is understandable with all things considered. I am now, and have been almost forever, Riley’s wife. That means I do wifely things. I cook, clean, organize, manage, and take care of him because he cannot do these things for himself. Sometimes I do a better job than others, but I always do something for him on a daily basis. He is my husband and that means he is my responsibility.

I could have chosen to get a divorce when I realized that taking the vows meant I would be forever tied to this other person. But, I didn't. I’m a hopeless romantic. No matter how bad things got, I stayed the hopeless romantic. I believed he would leave his mistress, Ms Vodie Aristocrat, and return to me with a renewed vigor towards saving our marriage. That did not happen. When the mistress left him behind, she left a broken man who was not recognizable as the man with whom I took my vows.

People ask me how we have been able to stay together so long. They say we must have a secret to making our marriage work. I want to scream out that the only person the marriage works for is Riley. The secret for couples to have a long marriage is to marry someone who will feel a sense of responsibility and will not leave when things are unbearable. And if you split up, make sure you maintain some semblance of a bond, so the healthy one will come to the aid of the unhealthy one during bad times. My advice is to forget love and marry for loyalty. Did I mention that I’m a cynic?

I have a love-hate relationship with Valentine’s Day. I’m jealous of the people who I believe have found that true and everlasting love that will sustain them for their entire life, yet I'm happy for them. I long to have had that with the man that I believed would be a true and loving husband. I realize that will never happen. I fantasize that there is still hope for me. I believe that I have little time or energy left to really search for him. I refute the idea that a Prince Charming will ride up and save me from the beast. I would probably tell me to ride on and go save his own self anyway. I know that I want true love. I doubt that it will come to me in this lifetime.

Maybe there should be two types of marriages. First there should be the young love marriage that allows for the procreation of our species. If it lasts forever, that’s great. The second type of marriage is one based on practicalities like common interests, friendships, sexual compatibility and has nothing to do with producing offspring. This second type of marriage would happen at a later age when each individual has already been through the first type of marriage. Each individual would know themselves as their own person and would be better able to communicate wants, needs, desires, dreams, etc. In fact, the second type of marriage doesn't even have to be a licensed marriage. It could be just two people who join together with a common goal.

In my opinion, the chances of have a “first type” marriage that lasts till death do part is rare. No one is the same at age 60 as they are at age 20. If what you’re looking for is a “death do part” marriage, don’t get married until you’re already in your 50’s. It’s easier to keep the romance alive over a period of 20 or 30 years than it is 50 or 60 years.

This year on Valentine’s Day I did my usual cynical stuff. I laughed and carried on. Inside I was conflicted. Maybe just staying in bed under the covers for the entire month would have been a better way to handle things. Oh no… wait… I just realized that June will be upon is in no time. June is the wedding month… here I go again.

Selling Somebody Out

Below is a story that was submitted by one of my readers. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did.

Thank you, Emma, and please write more for me. -- Linda Jane

When I was twenty-one, my mother mentioned, almost in passing, that the woman I had identified as my great grandmother for all of my life was actually a step great grandmother. No matter, I had loved her the same. But something nagged at me—if she was my step great grandmother, who was the woman that had actually given birth to my grandfather? The answer had been buried, it seemed.

By interviewing my family, I was able to uncover very few things, a testament, I think, to the secrets we’re able to keep. My biological great grandmother wasn’t spoken of because she’d committed an early suicide—managed to acquire a number of pills, disappear into the woods, curl up in a cave, die. She didn’t leave a note. She did leave an ex-husband and three children with whom she had limited contact. She did leave a legacy that was apparently not worth mentioning.

But it would have been worth mentioning to me, more so as I watched my own mother sink into a depression that lasted several years. More so as I watched her disappear into a kind of functional alcoholism that, while kept within the confines of our family like so much else, greatly impacted her children.

And when I started college, living away from home, learning how to thrive outside the confines of family, I began to feel depressed too. At this point, prior to my mother’s revelation about my biological great grandmother, I felt like a freak.  I had no context for what I was experiencing.

It might also be worth mentioning that my father, while blaming mental health issues on my mother’s side of the family, is not without his own. A long time addict, he has dabbled in every drug imaginable—most recently (though it’s now been ten years) spending time in jail for the manufacture of methamphetamines.

All of this to say that it is no surprise that I might experience some issues of my own. In college, I walked into the office of a mental health professional and broke precedence. The experience of talking to an unbiased professional offered tremendous clarity for me—my family was comprised of codependent addicts and it wasn’t just me who thought so. And I was predisposed to these types of behavior too, more likely than many of my friends to display the traits of an addict, more likely to overindulge at that fraternity party again and again and again.

But now I was aware. And knowledge is power.

 So, instead of dwelling on the inherent darkness in my family, I chose to make something positive of it. I don’t do drugs, but I occasionally indulge in a glass of wine. It’s always in a social situation, and never when I’m upset or feeling down. I see a counselor regularly, even if everything in my life is going perfectly. I work with addicts and families affected by addiction. I practice innovative rehabilitation. And, most important to my process of acceptance and change, I write.

I write about my great grandmother and my mother. I write about my father and sisters and grandfather and friends. Joan Didon (who happens to be one of my favorite authors) says that writers are always selling somebody out—it’s true, but it’s a price I suspect most are willing to pay.

Emma Haylett grew up hauling hay and birthing lambs. Now, she completes the metaphorical equivalent in the city where she helps coordinate drug treatment programs for addicts and families of addicts. 

Gas pains...

My refusal to be extorted by the local propane companies means the past couple of days have been difficult. I say “difficult” because it has not been impossible. The thermostat in the hallway reads 49 degrees. But, I reason with myself that the hallway is small without any direct heat and I should expect it to be colder there rather than the rest of the house. The thermostat on the living heater is reading 57 degrees. Now that’s more tolerable.

Riley sits in his favorite wing-backed chair with a heated throw over his lap. He is dressed in sweat pants, T-shirt with a sweat shirt over it, thermal socks and his fuzzy lined slippers. He has on his Santa hat to keep his head and ears warm. I keep him supplied with hot coffee. He had hot oatmeal with blueberries for breakfast and he’ll have chili for lunch. Dinner will be beef stew. So he’s doing pretty well.

I’m in my office which is registering 52 degrees overall, but I have a little heater under my desk that keeps my legs and toes warm. I’m also in a sweat suit with a little sweat-type jacket. If my ears get cold I simple pull up the hood. Yesterday I was able to work in here for about six hours. I’m hoping for the same today. If I get too cold, I’ll just transfer to my bed and crawl under my electric blanket.

We do have heat. We have a really nice electric heater in the living room, Riley’s room and my bedroom. When I cook or bake the kitchen warms up. If I build a fire in my office fireplace, I can heat the whole front portion of the house. Since the electrical system still has an old fashioned fuse box, I am careful not to overload any circuits. Heat is not impossible; it just requires some planning and caution.

I saw the weather report and was disappointed to see that the next week or so will be very cold. I’m starting to rethink my war with the propane companies.

My issues are that my landlord really doesn’t want me to get one of those huge tanks. I agree with him. The last time we had propane heat, I left propane in the tank when I moved. That tank lasted for a whole winter season and I used it for cooking as well as heat. Even if we had propane now, my thermostat would probably be set for between 65 and 68 degrees with it set down to as far as 60 after we go to bed. So I don’t want/need a giant tank because they will fill it all the way up.

According to the propane companies, the size of the tank is related to the size of the house. It doesn’t matter that I have the vents closed in the laundry room, halls, and small bathroom – they get enough overflow heat from the rest of the house. It doesn’t matter that I don’t feel I NEED that much propane. They want me to have a tank that holds more than 200 pounds.

So… if I say “Come on out and I’ll sign your papers!” The nightmare doesn’t end there. There is a fee for bringing the tank, a fee for setting it up, a fee for filling it up, and a deposit in case I decide to run off with the tank. The cheapest it will cost me to do all that is $400 and then the price goes up depending on what company. There won’t be an extra $400 in our budget until March.

But that’s only the tip of the iceberg. I have to sign a contract that I will use a certain amount so that they can come and fill the tank on a regular basis. I believe they come out about every six weeks and fill it back up to the top. If I don’t use a certain amount and they can’t refill – I have to pay a fee. I don’t feel I want to be penalized for being conservative with energy sources.

My landlord is talking about putting in a heat pump because he too has had a bad experience with the propane companies. That’s why he removed the last tank from the yard. This house was vacant and had been vacant for several months when the propane company came in and filled it without his knowledge. He then received a bill. A disagreement ensued which left the propane company with the task of crediting back the money (he had a direct payment plan) and removing the tank. I didn’t know I had called that company until they told me they would not do business with anyone at this address.

We just have to get through this winter. I’ll encourage the landlord to have the heat pump installed during the summer or fall. That will free me of being held hostage by the propane companies.

According to The Weather Channel the coldest days are in January. February is just a little more than a week away. I feel like we are marathon runners who are looking at that tape across the track and just praying we actually make it across the finish line.

How many days until Spring?

Life changing choices...

Below is a video story of Cynthia Estevez saved her own life through exercise after having been in an auto accident. This is an amazing young lady. Although her experience is that of being an alcoholic, I believe caretakers and other family members can help themselves greatly by adding exercise into their daily routines. It creates a time to reflect and relieve the stresses of the day. Take a look. I found it to be inspiring.

Thank you Cynthia... I may never be able to jump from the floor to a tabletop, but I certainly can take a walk!