Special...

I've completed my first week of Skype coaching sessions and I believe it has been a great success. It doesn't really feel like coaching, most people just want to have someone listen and understand. That's what I do.

Everyone knows that holidays are very stressful when there is an alcoholic involved. Or maybe your alcoholic is no longer in the picture but you are missing that person more on a holiday. I am here and I'll be available the entire weekend -- Friday thru Monday to Skype with you or chat on the phone.

I'll continue my special rate of $10 per 30 minutes for the entire holiday period. Just e-mail me at FrontPorchConnection@mail.com and let me know what time works best for you. Join me on my porch... have a glass of lemonade and we'll see if we can make some sense out of the chaos.

Linda

The end questions...

How long until?   How will I know?   What can I do?

More than any other questions – these are the ones that seem to plague my readers more than any others. What are the answers? There is no cut and dry equation that leads to exact answers to specific questions. There is no secret algebraic formula in the journey through alcoholism. There is no map with pushpin indicators as to the road stopping anywhere. Alcoholism is a crap shoot as to specifics. It’s a spin of the roulette wheel because no one is certain when it will stop.

There are charts that can give us an idea for a specific moment in time. But, that is the key “specific moment in time.” When Riley was at the “end”, I kept extensive records on either his decline or progress, whichever the case may be at that time. I created and used faithfully, The Workbook for Caretakers of End-Stage Alcoholics. I used every bit of information I could get to keep the book updated. I calculated his MELD and Child-Pugh Scores every time I got the results of his blood tests. I dutifully gave all my information to the medical doctors who were trying to keep him alive. And yet, he ended up in hospice after a major heart attack and stroke. Hospice was short lived because – as we all know – Riley is the Immortal Alcoholic.

How long? The difference that was made by keeping records and doing the charts was that I was prepared. The MELD and Child-Pugh Scores told me an approximation of how long he might live if nothing changed. That is if he drank the same amount consistently and made no improvements to his situation. For the most part the scores were right on point. If you want to know how long, my answer is to learn to use the MELD and Child-Pugh Scores. That can usually tell you if the time limits are in the years or the months.

If you ask a medical person the answer you will receive will probably sound like a sermon from the pulpit – especially here in the south. You will hear, “No one know how long a person will remain on this earth. Only God can say for sure.” Even though some doctors consider themselves “God”, they do not like to give even an approximation of time left. I believe it is possible for them to give a “ball park” in terms of months or days, etc., but then I’m not a doctor. I’m just a survivor who has seen the alcoholic’s immortality in action.

Some alcoholics, like Riley, seem to be blessed with more lives than a cat while others go quickly and without a lot of warning, like my son. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of middle ground as far as I have seen and heard. When a person starts drinking in excess that roulette wheel starts turning and no one really knows where it will stop.

How will I know? This isn’t so hard to answer because there are visual signs that tell us to beware. The color of the alcoholic’s skin and eyes will be more yellowish. He will sleep most of the time and the time when he is not asleep, he will have a drink in his hand. He may vomit blood or have bloody diarrhea. He will have tremors which increase as his drinking lessens. He may hallucinate or have night terrors. Paranoia may become his friend as his in-the-flesh friends fade away along with any hope for employment. There are more details and explanations in page on Stages of an Alcoholic Life.

What can you do? What you can do is dependent on what you want the outcome to be. Some caretakers want to hold on to the alcoholic’s life with both hands and feet. They want to keep them alive so they can pray for a different ending – an ending that includes a continuing life of sobriety, family and true love. Those endings do happen – not as much as we would all like them to happen, but they are possible. There are lots of side-effects to trying to obtain the utopian ending including the deterioration of the health of the caretaker. So the alcoholic may survive while the caretaker may not. If the caretaker can remember to take heed of their own well-being while nursing the alcoholic into sobriety – there is an opportunity for them both to share a long and blissful sober life.

The reality is that most alcoholics and their caretakers never get to the point where they can share much of anything except an argument. But, if you have chosen (somewhere in the far distant past) to stand firm by your alcoholic’s side, it is the caretaker who must decide how long they want to keep the circus open. While the caretaker can go the route of attempting to get medical care for a chance at survival, they can also attempt to get medical care for a chance at hospice. I believe most caretakers have a unique instinct about when the route goes from one point to the other.

In either case, what the caretaker can do is almost nothing once all the medical / detox / rehab options have been exhausted. Again I believe the caretaker will have a little voice in their head telling them when to step back. At that point the focus should shift to getting affairs of the alcoholic in order.  Get a General Power of Attorney and a Medical Power of Attorney; Living Will and Advance Directive; a Last Will and Testament; and possibly a DNR. Keep all these documents together in a safe place. I keep Riley’s in the back pocket of the workbook.

I remember asking my son’s doctor – what I can do to help. His answer was not satisfactory to me. He said “NOTHING” – there was nothing I could or should do. All I could do was wait. For a mother, I felt there must be something I could do – some little something that would keep him with me for even a day longer. There was nothing I could do because he was gone within 24 hours of asking the doctor how I could help. I didn’t make that decision because I would have done anything I could to keep him alive. His roulette wheel didn’t land in a positive place for me.

I take care of Riley just as I would any other elderly sick person who cannot take care of himself. He does not drink because there is no booze available to him. He has made it clear that he would be drunk if he had the opportunity. I made a choice the last time I called 911. I choose to give him a chance to survive. At this very moment (because it could change in a heart-beat), I do not regret that I made that call. I can live with myself. Today, and today only, I do not know how long Riley will last and I don’t know how to determine how close he is to the end. That is only because there is no alcohol involved.

At the end of all this the answers to the questions are all – it depends, I’m not sure; I don’t know. All I can suggest is use relatively rational logic and the tools, i.e., the MELD and Child-Pugh Scores, the workbook (either mine or make up your own); and you’ll be better prepared no matter what the answer.

Come talk to me...

Front Porch Visit

Now making apppointments!

As of May 17^th, I will be talking on the phone or Skyping with anyone who feels they would benefit from personal interaction.

I cannot tell you how to live your life, but I can help you to see alternatives, solutions, and decide what is right for you. I can offer you my opinion, but I will not insist that you do what I have done or what I suggest. I’m here to listen, answer questions and offer suggestions.

For a limited time only…

I’m offering 30-minute sessions for $10 from May 17^th through May 21^st only.

After that the rate will be $30 for each 45-minute session.

The following will be the method of setting an appointment:

1.     1.  E-mail me at FrontPorchConnection@mail.com. Include the following in your e-mail:

a.      Date and time desired for an appointment (please provide three options)

b.      A brief history of your situation – what is your relationship to the alcoholic, etc.

c.       The phone number on which you want me to call you or your Skype account name

d.      If you have a specific question, please send it to me

2.      2.  When I receive your e-mail I will reply with the exact date and time and an agreement of the terms and conditions.

3.      3.  After you receive the details of your appointment, use PayPal to deposit the $10 fee into my account. I will check my account to see if the money has been deposited shortly before our appointment.

4.      4.  I will call or Skype you at the appropriate time. 

How happiness feels...

I woke up feeling especially grateful this morning. I’m up before the sunrise on a normal day, but today I was up and ready to go do whatever was on my list for today. AND there are lots of items on my list!

Yesterday Riley had an appointment at the medical doctors and he has ordered a neurological exam as well as a complete heart workup. This may lead to getting some help in the way of a home health aide or, maybe even, a placement in a facility. The appointment was more than an hour long and by the time it was over, the doctor was just as confused as I usually am. It was a good way to spend that hour.

I felt relieved that Carrot has made such an amazing turn for the better. Her surgery and my not being able to be there put a giant dark cloud over my head. I have talked to her and others have gone to see her and now she may be kicking around this world even longer than her kids!

Carrot’s daughter is her caretaker and is dealing with her own crisis involving her husband’s health. But, a couple of people have stepped up and made an effort to provide some assistance. I am especially grateful for their support. I wish more family members would take the initiative to drop off a casserole or pick up a prescription or do a bit of grocery shopping. But, that’s another story for another time.

I am grateful for having a new mentor in my life that is encouraging and supporting me to go forward with projects that I had simply pushed off into the far reaches of my brain. Her experience is beyond reproach and her faith in me is almost scary. When asked to help produce the documentary on alcoholism, I knew Riley’s story would not fit the criteria, but thought this to be such a beneficial project, I was determined to participate. I didn’t know the reward would come to me in the form of renewed self-confidence and determination within my own being.

Another recent surprise is how much my health has improved in just a month. I find myself waking up in the morning with a clear brain and focus. I no longer feel rushed to get every chore done by noon because I burn out by the time the noon whistle blows. I’m able to go outside and work in the flower beds or herb garden. My diabetes is completely under control. I no longer allow myself to be pressured to fix a 4-course dinner for Riley every evening. Several times during the week he simply gets a sandwich or TV dinner. If I feel that I am in pain or tired, I have no remorse in taking a nap or resting. I’ve lost a little weight, my blood pressure is not in the danger levels and I have a sense of regaining my health.

When my eyes opened this morning I felt so thankful for having the “besties” in my life that I have. There are three women in my life who know about the skeletons in my closet and they purposely have lost the key. Even when having “issues” we are still best friends. How could I NOT be thankful for that?

I got up, poured a cup of coffee, unloaded the dishwasher, made a meat loaf for dinner, and racked my brain for a name for the one-on-one coaching sessions that I hope will start as early as next week. I let the dog out and the cat in. I tried to have a conversation with Riley. I then locked myself in my office and started writing this post.

Of course, my life is still very difficult but for the first time in a very long time, I don’t feel as though I’m just surviving each day. For the first morning in many mornings, I woke up feeling useful. I have people to help and public speaking events to plan as well as getting my book into paperback medium. I have potential documentary stories to review and evaluate.

I wish I could reach out to each of you and give you a bit of the goodness I’m feeling today. I wish I had the power to touch you on the shoulder and transfer a bit of light into your world. I don’t know for how long I will have the feeling of comfort, maybe for a day or maybe just a few hours, but however long it lasts I want to make the most of it.

I am a lucky girl because for today, right this minute, I remember how happiness feels. Today I am happy.

What happened?

As we progress through our lives we humans get comfortable. Somehow in the midst of the comfort we come to believe that this is the way things are, and this is how I can expect them to be for a very long time. The reality is that the world, and our lives, are in a continuous state of flux. François de la Rochefoucauld said: "The only thing constant in life is change". Sometimes we forget that little sentence and life surprises us in not so good ways.

This morning I made a statement to Riley who in turn made a statement that I asked him to repeat because I didn’t think I heard him correctly. As soon as he is done, I ask him to explain himself just to make sure that I understand. He cannot really explain, he just repeats his original statement. Then it hits me – oh yeah – he doesn’t understand me rather than me not understanding him.

It is my fault really. When one person places unrealistic expectations on another the person placing the expectations is at fault. I know that Riley has trouble connecting the dots. Why am I always asking questions about one thing or another and then shaking my head in confusion at his answers?

Riley is changing. The changes are subtle and I don’t even realize there’s a change until I face it head on. I am also changing. My aging brain requires clarification far more often than I would like. More than half a century has gone by since my birth during a time when the world was simpler – easier. Now we have right answers that are only right if they match up to a certain circumstance. Sometimes I get off track about all the “if this – then this or that” explanations.

At the same time, I often get irritated by the supposition that I need the same thing repeated to me over and over again. Does that really offer an explanation? If I say I don’t understand, is it helpful to repeat the statement over exactly as it was originally stated? I don’t think so.

I am old. I am not dead, nor did I lose information or intelligence I gained from my experiences over the years.  Most of my younger family members know that on certain items, I have the memory of an elephant. Sometimes I mix up names or places – but you can be sure if I say I remember – I darn well remember. I imagine that someday, it may become harder for me to recall the past as specifically as I can recall it right now. I pray that day is a long way away.

In Riley World, Riley always will tell you that he remembers the past exactly. Of course, he does not. He has been blessed with the unconscious ability to fill in the blanks with random irrelevant information without any thought. He truly believes that he did X or Y even though there is absolutely no way he could have done either one. It is as though his memory was wiped clean and is filling it up with things he would like to have in that space. When his explanations make no sense to me, he shakes his head and says that he thinks there’s something wrong with me.

Well… he is right… there is something wrong with me. I’m expecting that the Riley I had meaningful conversations with in the past has not changed. Even when I speak to him and remember there’s been a change, I almost always am surprised that he changed just last week. Sometimes it’s hard to accept change. Sometimes it’s easier to ignore it.

Life is going to change – last week, this week, today and tomorrow. We may feel comfortable where we are right now, but soon things won’t be so comfortable anymore. Most likely, when those changes take place, we will shake our heads (again) and mumble to ourselves – “What happened?”

There is the other side of the coin -- If nothing changes everything will stay the same. I think I'd rather have the change.

Trials and tribulations...

Those of you who have read my book, “The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife”, know that Riley is facing some legal issues. Because there is a pending trial, I cannot go into details. However, I can tell you a few things that I've learned in this process.

When someone is arrested for a crime the person is usually tried and sentenced. But what happens when the person arrested doesn't really understand what he did was wrong or not even remembers what he did that has caused him to be arrested?

The process of determining that someone is not competent to stand trial is a long arduous task. Medical records must be gathered. Psychiatric exams must be completed. Many court appearances must be made and information must be gathered from witnesses of the incompetency. All the while the attorney fees and costs keep mounting up.

For Riley, just the task of appearing in court was difficult. When we first started going to court – almost two years ago – he was able to walk with a cane. Now he must use the walker and even with the support, he falls often. He has fallen both going into and out of the courthouse.

In the morning before leaving for court, he must not drink any coffee or eat any breakfast. Once inside the court room and the court becomes in session, no one is allowed to leave until the judge says it’s OK. Riley cannot hold his bladder or bowels and he cannot wait for the judge to deem it is OK to use the restroom. If he doesn't eat or drink, he can usually wait until there is a break in session. That’s a long time for him to go without food, coffee, or water. He does wear disposable underwear, but if he should have an “event” the underwear is not enough to contain the situation let alone the odor. The fear of this happening is just as uncomfortable as the lack of food.

When Riley was arrested, he was released into my custody and the bond was waived. There were certain criteria that I had to agree to abide and I did agree in order to keep him from being behind bars. I am not just his caretaker but the one who is completely legally responsible for him getting to court and that changes my to warden/caretaker.

The reality is that he is in a prison of his own making even without going to trial. He does not leave the house without my assistance. He doesn't even go into the yard. His days are spent watching TV and not much else. He lives in his room and emerges for coffee in the morning and dinner in the evening. He is incapable of doing much else. Simple trips into the real world (for haircuts, etc.) must be planned a day in advance. His world is his own creation from years of damaging his body with alcohol. He is just not physically or mentally capable of managing his own life.

For me there is very little support. The kids have demanding jobs and with the economy such as it is – they would be hard pressed financially to take any time off work. The VA told me there would be respite for me, but as it turns out I must show that I can afford to pay for the nursing home if something happens and he cannot return home. If I could afford that – I’d have already placed him in a home. I get nowhere by talking to social services or Area Agency for the Aging. I’ve resigned myself to just making do the way things are.

At this point, I can still leave him alone overnight so there is some relief. But, I would not leave him alone any longer than that. I fear he will attempt to cook rather than eat the food I’ve left already prepared for him.

The situation as far as court proceeding as concerned is complicated, confusing, and leaves one scratching their head for answers. Even though independent evaluations have been done, the court often wants a determination of competency made by their own doctors. The state evaluation is far more intensive than the independent ones, so I understand why the DA would want this information. Actually it is a good evaluation because it will cover days rather than hours of observation. This information is good to have, if the court releases it to the caretaker.

Personally, this evaluation would be a wonderful break providing me with some much needed time away from Riley. I have no idea how long the break would be but anything more than 24 hours would feel like a trip to Relaxation Land.

When I look at Riley, I don’t see a man who is a danger to anyone except himself. I see a lost little boy in the skin of a grown man who is confused about why I (and the family) think he is not capable of living by himself. He can’t see his breaks in the trains of his thought. He doesn't hear how irrational his rationality really is. And when he doesn't get his way, he doesn't understand that his passive aggressive attitude is simple the temper tantrum of a spoiled child.

Although I love Riley, I fell out of married love with him many years ago. I haven’t viewed him as a real husband in more than 15 years. And now… now… he has become my child – a 12 year old, insolent, demanding boy. I am 65 years old and am exhausted at the demands of being responsible for this pre-teen yet 70 year old. I would like to be able to protect him, but I believe it is too late for that.

I’m telling you all this because I want you caretakers of end-stage alcoholics to be aware of what may be your future. I suggest you be diligent in doing whatever you can to prevent him/her from breaking any laws – especially those that may lead to a criminal trial. I would like you to understand that with each year of continual drinking, the brain is regressing and you may end up with an adult with the capacity of a teenager. I remember back when my kids were teens – if alcohol had been added to that mass of raging hormones I think I would have not survived!

Who knows how long the court situation will go on? All I can do is comply with their requests, follow my lawyer’s advice, and see what happens.

To SC and Anonymous...

Thank you for your interest in the documentary project. Please e-mail me at LDoyne@live.com and tell me a little about your story and how to contact you. You are doing a wonderful public service by putting yourself out there. Again, thank you.

Anyone else interested in this worthwhile endeavor, please e-mail me personally at the address above.

Hard, honest, truth...

This is just a reminder that there are still openings for the documentary to be aired on a major cable television network in 2016. Space is limited, but there are room for a few more stories.

At this point we are looking for people who are willing to tell their story publicly. The alcoholic must also be willing to participate since the documentary is about stages of alcoholism.

We already have several end-stage alcoholics and now we would like to focus on the younger set who may be teetering on the brink of alcoholism but may not yet be sure if they really are alcoholics. Someone with a recent DUI or arrest as a result of heavy drinking would be great. We are also needing people who may want to attain sobriety, but are struggling with maintaining the sobriety they achieve.

The goal of this film is to show the various stages of alcoholism and possibly be able to help people reach out to get help. Not all heavy drinkers are alcoholics, maybe this documentary can show the difference between the two. The people who participate will be providing a valuable public service and may make a real difference in someone else's life.

If you can find the strength to share your story, please contact me at immortalalcoholic@gmail.com or submit a brief outline of your story to docustories2014@gmail.com. For those who prefer voice -- call 212-512-1843. All information collected, messages, phone conversations will remain confidential.

Please share your experiences and join us in making the world understand the difference between heavy drinking and alcoholism while bringing to light the hardships on family and friends of alcoholics.

Thank you -- Linda

Random thoughts...

Since I’ve been back at doing more alcoholism related work, I’ve been going back over comments on this blog and on other places where I have postings. (I’ll supply the links at the end of this post.) There are a few things that stand out to me and I thought it would be good to review a few things today. These are just random subjects that may seem to be “all over the place.”

It seems so simple – just stop getting the alcohol for the alcoholic and everything will get better. That’s just not the reality. There comes a time in the process of alcoholism that not providing alcohol can be just as deadly as providing it. For end-stage drinkers, the only safe detox is one that is medically supervised and without the continuous flow of alcohol into the body, detox begins immediately.

It also seems simple to put the alcoholic out on the street – “kick him/her to curb”. Most of my blog readers are at the place where putting the alcoholic out would be something resembling putting a hospice patient out for them to die somewhere that is not in your line of vision. My moral compass doesn’t allow me to do that. Many of my readers’ moral compasses are pointed in the same direction.

That doesn’t mean that my readers should always stay in a relationship with the alcoholic person in their life. Circumstances must be weighed and considered. What is good for one person is not always good for another. It’s a decision that can only be made by the person living the life.

My personal belief is that no one person should be judged or criticized by another for their way of handling their life circumstance. The only way to truly know what is best for another is to actually live inside the person’s life. It’s OK to have an opinion, but not to believe that your opinion is the cure to anyone else’s situation. As I was reading comments on other websites, I was dismayed at the level of judgment that seemed to be running rampant.

Alcoholism is a heart-breaking, insidious, all-encompassing addiction which reaches far beyond just the person who is drinking. It takes over lives and leaves a path of destruction. As caretakers we must find a way to prevent us from losing our sanity while doing whatever it is that we feel is best for our situation. If we lose ourselves while taking care of others who have already lost it – the alcoholism wins. I won’t let alcohol win by claiming my life.

If you feel you would like some non-judgmental, non-critical support, please feel free to join the OARS website to get some much-needed support. The invitation link is:

http://oarsffgroup.ning.com/?xgi=4p5Euh2zC7I3tQ

We will all be happy to see you there!

It's Spring -- time for tornadoes and Oz

I've posted this before and got such a great response that I really think it deserves to be re-posted. It's Spring and for us in the south that means tornado season. It also means Wizard of Oz will be showing up on television.

Tornado warning… (5/3/2011)

When the Emergency Broadcast came over the television announcing that we were under a Tornado Warning, I gathered my stuff – blankets, pillows, laptop, water, etc – and put it in a secure place in my bathroom. I was ready.

Riley was in his rocking chair watching his usual NCIS. I told him we needed to get his bathroom ready in case the worst came about. He just said – “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” And being the good little caretaker that I am – I stocked his bathroom. Both the bathrooms are small and there is really only room for one person in each.

As the night wore on, I settled in and listened. Wind, rain, hail, more rain, quiet, wind and more wind – but there was no rumble. I was waiting for the rumble sound of an oncoming train. It never happened – and I was thankful.

As I was waiting, I could feel the house swaying with the wind. We have a brick rancher – solid as possibly could be – but the wind was so strong it was moving the house. I thought of the three little pigs who built their last house of bricks. What a smart thing to do.

In spite of the three little pigs’ wise decision to use brick in the construction – some lyrics kept running through my head -- but they weren’t verses about the pigs’ quest for a secure dwelling. Instead, I was hearing in my head the lyrics to a song from The Wizard of Oz.

The wind began to switch – the house to pitch and suddenly the hinges started to unhitch.

Life with an alcoholic is much the same as a house in the middle of a tornado. This first verse could well define what it is like to watch the beginning of an alcoholic downfall. Things are unsettled, the family never feels secure and things start to fall apart.

Just then the Witch – to satisfy an itch went flying on her broomstick, thumbing for a hitch.

The alcoholic (the Witch) needs to satisfy the craving for alcohol and so he/she seeks it out. Sometimes they ask others to help them obtain the alcohol – as in hitching a ride to the liquor store.

And oh, what happened then was rich.

I think if we substitute the word “sad” for the word “rich,” this would be exactly correct. Because what happens after the alcoholic gets the booze is rich with sadness.

The house began to pitch. The kitchen took a slitch.

Things become increasingly upsetting in the alcoholic household as the drinking continues.

It landed on the Wicked Witch in the middle of a ditch, which was not a healthy situation for the Wicked Witch.

The consequences of the alcoholic’s actions cause him/her to land in unpleasant situations. Eventually the health of the alcoholic deteriorates and puts the alcoholic’s life in danger.

Who began to twitch and was reduced to just a stitch of what was once the Wicked Witch.

The person who was once a vital, productive, happy member of the community is reduced to becoming a mere servant of alcohol. At that point, the entire family is not in Kansas anymore, but rather in some uninhabitable place – like Antarctica. No matter how many times you click your heels, those ruby red slippers are not going to help you now.

I’m told by fellow country dwellers that this is unusual weather for this time of year. Funny, in Linda and Riley World – living in a tornado is a way of life.