What's normal anyway...

I’m very excited about being on Perri Peltz’s radio show on Tuesday (1/27/2015) at 1 p.m. Eastern Time on SirriusXMStars Channel 109. Not only am I going to be on the show, but I’ll be following Dr. Koob of NIAAA. That’s an honor and a hard act to follow. He’s about science and research and I’m about life experience. I think that just about makes us a complete package.

I think life experience as a wife of an alcoholic is subjective. No one person is just like another and no one marriage is just like another. But, there are commonalities and sometimes it’s as though they are not just commonalities, but rather everyone is alike. Really, we are not. I’m happy to have discovered that.

There was a point in my marriage that I thought we were like every other married couple we knew. I felt normal. My husband would get up in the morning, we would have coffee, he would go to work, I would take care of the household, he would come home, have dinner, watch some TV, tuck the kids in and go to sleep. It was pretty much the same routine every day. Of course there was a couple of scotch on the rocks when he got home, then wine with dinner and maybe more scotch during TV.

Even though I did not grow up in a home that had alcohol, this routine didn’t feel out of the ordinary to me. This is how life was depicted in movies starring the likes of Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis. Don’t remember of Ozzie Nelson kicked back a drink when he came through the door. But, if it wasn’t actually on TV, it still seemed that it might be something he would do. I imagine those productions made it seem “natural” to consume alcohol after a hard days work.

The description I give about my marriage is one that was within the first five years of our couple-ness. After that things went downhill.  During the early years, I would look around and see my friends husbands drinking what seemed to be an equivalent quantity of booze as my husband. Maybe they were alcoholics also. After all, most of our friends were serving about the same submarine and were attending the same social functions. Maybe it was a “birds of a feather” sort of thing.

I didn’t wake up to the fact that something was wrong until we were transferred to a new city and stayed with friends until our new house was available. The husband of the couple did not have any alcohol at all until after dinner when he would pop open a can of beer while watching a movie on TV or playing UNO with the other adults. He played with the kids in the yard while there was still daylight and helped with the homework while the wife cleaned up the kitchen after dinner. When I witnessed the dynamics of this family, I realized that there may be some issues in my own family.

I don’t know why it took me so long to really realize that something was wrong in my marriage and in my family. I’m a stubborn woman with a positive outlook and that may have been my downfall. I wanted with all my heart to be “normal.” But, eventually, I could see that my husband’s first love was alcohol. It was worse than discovering that he had a mistress – which happened at just about the same time.

The topic on the radio show is about how alcohol affects families. The details and scenarios of that destruction is a point that I hope to address. Please join me and Perri Peltz as we talk about standing in the wake of alcoholic destruction. We will be taking callers. “The Perri Peltz Show” is Live on SiriusXM Stars Channel 109 from 1-2pm ET. The call in number for listeners is 888-947-8277.

Dr. Koob and me...

I’m very excited to post that I will be a guest on “The Perri Peltz Show” on January 27^th at 1 pm Eastern Time,  Sirius XM Stars Channel 109. Listeners are invited to call in to 888-947-8277 with questions or comments.

Also on the show will be Dr. George Koob, Director of the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. Dr. Koob oversees the Institutes budget for research in scientific areas such as genetics, neuroscience, epidemiology, prevention and treatment. Be sure to tune in early enough to be able to hear what Dr. Koob has to say. It should be very interesting to hear his points of view and learn what the Institute is doing in the world of alcoholism.

Dr. Koob will be a tough act to follow. I’m up to the challenge. I’ll be focusing on families of alcoholics and how alcoholism destroys more than just the alcoholic. It would be awesome if my readers would call in with questions or comments.

Mark your calendar and join me with Perri Peltz for this live broadcast. We will be taking callers. “The Perri Peltz Show” is Live on SiriusXM Stars Channel 109 from 1-2pm ET. The call in number for listeners is 888-947-8277.

Success stories...

In the comments of one of my posts the question was asked: So does ANYONE out there have a story about ACTUALLY coming out on “the other side” and everything being “alright”???

The simple answer to the question is YES. The reason we don’t hear so much about those stories is that the chaos has settled down so there’s not so much need to keep reaching out for support.

I do receive “success” stories, but success comes in different forms to different people. “Being all right” is subjective to the person seeking that condition. For some it means that the alcoholic quits drinking and the family switches to a healthy dynamic without the influence of alcohol. For others it means the non-alcoholic is able to break away from the alcoholic and is free to create the life they want without the chaos of alcoholism.  Even care givers of end-stage alcoholics eventually find peace after the death of the alcoholic. For those people, the death is what leads to everything being all right.

The OARS Family and Friends Group have members who are still in horrible alcoholic situations and then there are others who are no longer living with the alcoholic. Even though the alcoholic is not drinking and they are not living with the drunk, there are still things that come up in everyday life that are sometimes difficult to handle. These people reach out to others who are either in their situation or just simply under the circumstance. In that case, even though they are on “the other side” they still find themselves faced with the aftermath.

If anyone wants to share a “success” story, please send it to me at immortalalcoholic@gmail.com with the words “Success Story” in the subject line. I’ll share your story in the blog.

Holiday Grief...

Below is a guest post from AJ Richichi, founderof www.ChronicleMe.com:

Although illustrated as the best time of year, the holidays can be very difficult for people suffering, and who have suffered, with addictions with grief triggers. A few years ago, my grandfather passed away in the middle of the summer. Months later around Christmas time, it became evident for the first time that he was gone… forever. I felt as if he died once more, as his favorite chair remained open the entire night and his favorite foods remained untouched. The Holidays became a reminder of his absence, not a celebration of family and the New Year.

Grief is a difficult thing to manage. It lies with you as you try to sleep and remains with you throughout the day. It’s complicated and varies with each experience. I wish I had the solution or could develop an equation to find ‘x’, however I’ve come to understand that, for me, grief and other stress in my life can be significantly reduced with a number of things.

1.    In depth conversations with family. Instead of asking dead-end questions about their day or the weather, ask questions about their job, work, or personal life.

2.    Exercise. Whether its 30 minutes before everyone wakes up for the holiday party or after you open gifts, exercise can give you much needed time to reflect and decompress.

3.    Go out to breakfast with your parents. As a young adult a few years out of school, I’ve found that my relationship has changed with my parents. Through countless discussions, I've matured to realize that me growing up was challenging for both parties. When my relationship is good with them, all other elements of my life tend to be less stressful.

4.    Read! Blog or book, magazine or newspaper, find a quiet place and learn from other perspectives, viewpoints, and opinions.

The holidays are a time of cheer and joy. However, it can be a hard month based on your particular situation. It’s important to keep a positive mindset. How do you deal with the holidays? What’s worked for you in the past? I’d love to hear your thoughts. –AJ


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AJ Richichi is Founder of www.ChronicleMe.com, the positive social network based on supporting fellow community members. Working alongside countless self-help organizations, ChronicleMe has recently launched infographic campaigns to help raise awareness and educate millions of people with topics including mental health, sexual assault, suicide prevention, domestic violence, and cyber-bullying.

Empty spaces on a page

Oh My… another fresh new year just waiting for some adventure and excitement. I have a calendar with 365 empty squares. There’s even more empty squares if you count the ones without numbers. They all look lonely, boring, and open to possibilities.

I grew up with my mother repeating “Do something productive with every minute of your time, because you’ll never have those minutes back again. Once the day is gone, it’s gone forever.” I imagine that’s why I must am driven to do something every day. Even if I plan to relax, I’m always working on something – needlework, reading, writing. It’s always something going on in my brain or in my hands.

My calendar process is much the same as my budgeting process. I put things onto the calendar that 

are “proposed.” Then as that day comes, I put in what I actually did. Of course, doctor’s appointments, etc. are pretty much not proposed, but actual things that must be done. Working my calendar in this manner, I can see if I’m accomplishing anything or not. Sometimes I accomplish things, but not the things I want to accomplish or not as much as I wanted to do.

I’m a list maker. In the morning, I make a list of things to do that only a person with three clones would be able to complete. About half of the items end up on the next day’s list, some fall off the list completely. I am flexible, but still wish I could get it all done.

Living with an alcoholic means a constantly evolving list of things to do in a order that’s as flexible as a strand of cooked spaghetti. There is no constant, no consistency, no order, no logic, in the tasks that need to be done or the priority of completing them. It’s especially frustrating for me as a person who has a vision but has trouble reaching the ultimate goal.

So I’m looking at this empty calendar and asking myself where to start. Hmmm… I can enter birthdays. That’s a good place to start. Then there are other milestones that can go in the appropriate square. That will at least remind me to remember to wish someone a happy birthday or anniversary or whatever.

Next to be scheduled would be all the recurring events – like the annual house lease renewal; my mammogram; annual writer’s conference; or the anniversary of my blog. I need those little reminders.

When Riley was drinking I would enter things into the calendar like – “jail” if he were a guest of the city overnight; vomiting blood; fell down stairs; and other things that I might be asked by a person in authority at some point in time. I also keep a calendar in my Workbook for Caretakers, so I always have an account of how many times he falls or vomits or eats a healthy meal.

After putting in all that vital stuff, I plan for what I would like to do. Let’s see… I want to go to the NIAA meeting in Washington DC every quarter. I want to attend several conferences and seminars on alcoholism. I’d like to host seminars and begin live OARS meetings. I’d like to take a vacation. WAIT!! What is a vacation?? As unrealistic as it is, I plan a vacation every year. I haven’t managed it in more than 12 years, but I plan it anyway.

The empty squares are fewer now, but I still see time to do things. If Riley were not either drinking or having cancer, I could plan some dinner parties. I love to host dinner parties. I could plan for the great-grandkids to come for the weekend. I could take them to Busch Gardens or the Pirate Festival. But, drinking or cancer always eliminates the real possibility of this happening. What the heck! I write it in anyway.

With a fresh calendar and a plan for ways to spend my time so that my idle hands will not become the devil’s workshop, I can start my year.  Seldom does my calendar ever work out to be a factual rendition of my life when I look back on New Year’s Day. I will probably only follow through on a few of the planned outings, conferences, meetings, and least we forget the vacation. They most likely won’t happen. But at least I had a plan. Someday that plan may work out right down to the minute. Won’t that be different?

What do you do when you get a fresh new calendar? How do you make things work?

Here's to 300!

Today’s post is the 300^th since I created this blog on October 19, 2011. There have been good responses and bad responses; words of encouragement and comments of distain; some readers gained knowledge and support while others were disappointed. I’ve talked about medical issues, personality traits, sobriety and drunkenness. I have offered support groups and tried to impart cold and hard facts. I’ve had several readers who spent many hours on trying to get me to stop writing posts and even had death-threats from an unlikely source. Through it all, I persevered and tried to maintain my open, honest and informative attitude while trying to always keep a sense of humor. I’m proud to have been able to meet that goal.

In this journey, you’ve read about Riley’s absurd ideas and beliefs from the brain of a man who could no longer see logic or reason. You’ve read about Riley’s heart attack and his entry into hospice at a local nursing home. Then there was his miraculous recovery where he further solidified my name for him as the Immortal Alcoholic. Now I am sharing with you about Riley’s cancer and my frustration at being his personal home health aide while living in a medical desert.

You’ve also come along as I created the Workbook for Caretakers of End-Stage Alcoholics; held several seminars/workshops; finished and published The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife; and now… beginning my public speaking/seminar endeavor as a business that gives back. We’ve come a long way Baby!

Thank you for sticking with me. Thank you for understanding me when I’ve been down in the dumps. Thank you for encouraging me. Thank you for sharing your experiences and resources with the other readers. Thank you for being a part of “Team Linda.” For those of you, who don’t like my bandwagon, thank you for challenging me.

Several people have been suggesting that it is time for me to relax and enjoy my retirement. They say I should focus on crafting, sewing, gardening, cooking, etc. Leave all this alcoholism nonsense behind me and let it all go. I just nod and smile because even though they may be very close to me, I think they just don’t “get it.” I’m not finished yet. There’s still so much more to do and as long as I’m physically capable of working on the projects of my choice – I’m not going to sit in a rocking chair and idly knit booties.

Now that the first round of treatment for Riley’s cancer is nearly complete (his last day of radiation will be New Year’s Eve), the doctors and social workers have taken me aside and talked to me about expectations for the future, as well as handling the present difficulties. Riley has a 50/50 chance that his cancer may be in remission after treatment. One doctor believes that is an optimistic prediction and would suggest his chances be lower. In each interview, they have expressed to me that I need to pick up where I was before Riley was diagnosed with colo-rectal cancer. I was planning a seminar that got postponed; I was beginning the sequel to The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife; I was compiling a book of short stories; and, trying to grow the support group numbers. I’m told it’s time to bring all that to the fore-front once more and accept that Riley may not be around much longer. I should be planning my life with the reality that Riley will most likely die within the next couple of years either from cancer; the treatment side effects; and/or, the high possibility of him returning to drinking.

WAIT!! What did you just tell me?? I thought I heard someone say that Riley is going to die in the very near future. Haven’t I heard that before somewhere? Didn’t I act on that advise once before with disastrous results? The definition of CRAZY is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I’m not crazy enough to believe that Riley’s time is near – I may believe it, but it’s crazy to act on it. I’ll believe Riley is not immortal when I have his ashes ready to be shot from the torpedo tube of a submarine. Until then, I will continue to believe he is not going anywhere anytime soon.

However, I will take the advice offered to me. It’s time to get back to doing what I was doing before the diagnosis. With the possibility of having a real home health aide for a few hours a day, I can see a bit of freedom looming on the horizon. Time to get back to work!

Post 300 is a Thank You to my readers and a declaration of returning to my own form of sanity. If I were a drinker, I’d make a toast to the past 300 posts and the upcoming 300 posts! What the heck… I’ll use my V8 juice! Here's to 300!

Speak, Linda, Speak

Now available for speaking to families and friends of alcoholics at your event, rehab center, etc. At this time I charge only for the cost of my expenses. I also speak to alcoholics about the life that they create for their loved ones when they are inside the bottle.

My casual, interactive speaking style engages the audience in the topic. Not just another Powerpoint presentation, but rather a conversation with the attendees. There's some humor and there's some heartbreak, but the bottom line is that it is all real.

I have 10 (ten) open dates at this special expenses only rate. Reserve your date NOW! E-mail me with SPEAK in the subject line: immortalalcoholic@gmail.com

Christmas... again

We celebrate Christmas and I mean no disrespect to those who don’t celebrate Christmas, but rather some other seasonal celebration. In this post, I use Christmas because it is what happened in our house, but it could really be any holiday – Hanukkah, Kwanza, or others. But these are my memories and this is how I remember it.

It happens every year. Just like clockwork the holiday season arrives and we all breathe a deep sigh. For some people it is a sigh of joy and delight, but for others not so much. There are those that a sigh is used to boost their strength or indicates a feeling of “here we go again.” I know both kinds of sigh and, believe me, the first one is much better.

I remember Christmas’ of joy and delight. I remember seeing twinkling in my children’s eyes and the fun of visiting Santa Claus. It was a happy time filled with gatherings of family and friends, tree trimming, and… oh… so much… fabulous food.

Then there was the other kind of Christmas. Those Christmas’ were filled with worry, doubt, anger and disappointment. When Riley was in a period of making alcohol his mistress, he did not attend the children’s winter concerts nor did he participate in any preparation for the holidays. Mostly, Riley was just absent both physically and mentally. When he was around for a gathering, he was always so drunk that he broke glasses, knocked over Christmas trees, and made suggestive comments to any woman within sight.

After a few of these Christmas failures, I learned not to really include Riley as a factor in the season’s celebrations. I attended parties alone or with a friend. I never even implied to the kids that Riley would go to their concerts. I didn’t expect he would help with things such as shopping, tree trimming, food preparation or going to see Santa. He became an invisible entity within the house. But, then, I didn’t have to worry much about his presence because he was rarely at our home.

I considered myself as somewhat of a single parent and acted in that manner. I refused to let Riley’s “scroogness” have any bearing on my finding joy. I suppose you could say I “detached” from Riley and just continued on.  It doesn’t matter what word you use to describe it, the end result was that it worked for me.

Riley was still somewhat a part of things at Christmas. He read the gift tags and handed out the packages to all of us. He ate Christmas breakfast with us and often stuck around for Christmas dinner. But after dinner he was gone and wouldn’t return for days. It was almost a blessing he was gone because I didn’t have to have conversations with someone who wasn’t quite able to follow the chain of exchanges.

The Christmas’ since Riley had his heart attack have been decreasing in intensity – at least for me. Riley doesn’t seem to care about Christmas except that we have a tree and a huge Christmas feast. We don’t have company during that time so it is just two people trying to enjoy some holiday spirit. But, the enjoyment feels forced.

This year, there will be no tree and our neighbors will be bringing us a plate full of their Christmas feast. I did send out Christmas cards to a few people, I made some holiday wreaths, and that’s about it. I don’t feel that I’m missing anything. My daughter and the rest of the family will be getting together for the whole big Christmas blow out. But, it’s too far for us to go to them especially with Riley as sick as he is so we will talk in the morning and probably in the evening. They will post pictures on Facebook and I’ll be able to see the great-grandkids smiling faces. That will be enough for me this year.

I have hopes of better Christmas’s in the future. I envision that I will be able to go to my grandson’s house and spend several days enjoying the season. The great-grands will be ages 9, 5 and 1 years old. They will be helping me bake cookies and make tree ornaments. We’ll see Santa as he rides down the street on a fire engine. There will be shopping with the adults and lots of yummy food.

Christmas past, Christmas present and Christmas future… good and bad, even some just so-so. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which kind it will be until it is upon me. One thing I know for sure is that Christmas will come again as it does every year. Same date, without fail Christmas will arrive.

Today I’m hoping for a sigh of joyful expectations for all my readers for this and every holiday season.

Donation = gifts...

Thank you to everyone who has donated and posted words of encouragement. It has been greatly appreciated. We still have a long way to go. I'm surprised that there have been no pledges towards shaving my head. Don't you think I'd look great without hair? To make a pledge please visit the Escape from Medical Desert page on Facebook and scroll down to my picture. Put your pledge in the comments. You don't pay the pledge until the goal of $2,500 is reached. When the goal is reached, I'll shave my head and you then pay the amount you pledged. All that red hair will be gone!

Donate to the fundraiser: http://gfwd.at/1FicTJx and receive the following gifts:

$25 -- The paperback version of The Immortal Alcoholic's Wife 

$30 -- A Glowing Skeleton OR Linda's Front Porch T-Shirt 

$40 -- A Glowing Skeleton OR Linda's Front Porch Tote Bag

$50 -- Christmas OR Winter Wreath

$100 -- Immortal Alcoholic's Wife (paperback) PLUS T-Shirt (your choice of skeleton or porch)
$200 -- Book, T-shirt and Tote
$300 -- Book, T-shirt, Tote and Wreath

Yes, you can enjoy the holidays...

Am I really writing about Christmas AGAIN? It seems that I just wrote about last year’s Christmas and here we are with another holiday season coming at us at light speed.

For most families the holidays are filled with laughter, happy tears, hugs and expressions of love. But for many families these days are fraught with fear and anxiety because living with an alcoholic is like living with a time bomb set to explode at an unpredictable time and place. A Christmas party that should be a joyful event often turns into an embarrassing scramble trying to get the drunken spouse out the door after he/she has literally picked up the punch bowl and used it to make an off-color toast. Then there are the helpful friends who attempt to keep the drunk from getting behind the wheel of his car. Even after the alcoholic has left the building, conversations drift toward the realm of “Did you see what Alice did? So glad she left.” Instead of discussing the shopping bargains on toy treasures, everyone is talking about the unfortunate life of the alcoholic’s spouse or the alcoholic.

During the fifteen years I was separated from Riley, my Christmas season was filled with being around family and friends. I dressed up and went to parties and enjoyed the company of others without the worry of what my husband was doing or saying. I enjoyed those fifteen Thanksgivings, Christmas and New Year celebrations.

Someone asked me what was the easiest way to get past the holiday season when you have an alcoholic in the house? I’m not sure there is an easy way to do anything with an alcoholic present. Here are some things that I've done over the years to lessen the stress for the entire family.

Limit the number of holiday events attended with the drunken spouse.  This isn’t too difficult if you just say that there will be no alcohol served at the event. Most times alcoholics only want to go to places where they can drink. So you go alone or you take your kids or you take a non-drinking friend. You will be far more relaxed and able to enjoy this time if you aren’t looking over your shoulder and expecting disaster every minute.

If you have small children, you must be their Santa Claus. It will be up to you to do the “Santa” shopping. If there are toys, such as bicycles, to be assembled do it when the drinking spouse isn’t home. Get out your tool box and follow the directions. When asked who put the bike together, just say that the store assembled it for you. Leave some small item that needs assembling for the spouse to put together in order to avoid a confrontation due to feelings of being left out. This is not the time of year to “make a point” or even open the door to a possible fight. You’ll have lots of time for that after New Year’s Day.

Limit you guest list. Only invite your very closest friends and family to your home. Now is not the time to get to know those new neighbors who just moved in down the street. If anything happens that could be antagonistic or embarrassing, it’s best that it happens among people who know you, love you and understand your situation.

Make up your mind to celebrate and enjoy this time. I often felt that there was nothing about the Christmas holidays that was worth celebrating or joyous in any fashion. But if you look around you there is plenty to celebrate. You managed to survive the year and that in and of itself is cause for celebration. Celebrate the fact that you are loved by someone – anyone – whether that’s your children, siblings, parents, and/or God. Better yet, celebrate the fact that you are capable of loving someone else. Sometimes it is just a matter of BELIEVING you have something to celebrate/enjoy that can make all the difference between hating and loving a holiday.

Find pleasure in the little things. Put those mini-marshmallows in your hot chocolate and to make it even more special, make them the mint flavor with Mexican chocolate. That’s worth celebrating. Listen to your favorite holiday music with your headphones so you can play the same songs over and over again. And, even sing those songs out loud. Add some of your favorite dishes to your holiday dinners even if they are not the proper season for the dish. I like watermelon or cucumber salad and don’t forget strawberry short cake or fried green tomatoes. Not in season, hard to find fresh ingredients – but so worth the money, time and effort.

Make an escape. Even reading a new book can make you feel a bit special. Take a 20 minute break away from everything and escape into another world. If the only way to find the time to do that is to take a bath – fill the tub with bubbles, grab that book and hide out in the bathroom. Of course, if the book is The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife (now out on Amazon.com) – that’s even better because you might see yourself in those pages and find some humor in the chaos.

Most importantly – be happy and have wonderfully peaceful holidays during this 2014 season!