Merry Christmas or Bah Humbug!

It’s THAT time of year again. You know the one where everyone is full of love and kindness, hope and dreams, and, let’s not forget, jolly laughter. Instead of saying “Have a nice day,” you now hear “Have a Merry Christmas!” Those politically correct will say “Happy Holidays!” But for many of us, we just go with the flow while the words repeated in our heads are “Just let me get through this.”

Christmas and the holiday season is not always a joyful time in some of our lives. We go through the motions, such as buying the gifts, sending the cards, making the cookies and kissing under the mistletoe. We’d rather be curled up on the sofa with the dog, cat and a good book with the sounds of “Hotel California” coming from the stereo. No tree, gifts, egg nog, or any other such reminders of the season.

It may seem a bit harsh to the hardy, enthusiastic holiday lovers, but many people just want to be left alone. These are the people who have found themselves in a position of being alone during the season. Or they may as well be alone because they are attached to an alcoholic who manages to destroy every holiday on the calendar.

Some of the gifts an alcoholic may give loved ones would be, falling into the Christmas tree and breaking most of the ornaments and gifts; spiking the egg nog to the point where you can’t have a candle next to the punch bowl for fear of catching the entire block on fire; going to the store for a loaf of bread and never returning or, even worse, having an accident; getting into arguments with other family members because the alcoholic doesn’t like the color of someone’s shirt; and then, there one of my particular favorites – his mistress shows up at the front door baring gifts for the alcoholic’s wife and kids. (Really! That happened to me!)

Fortunately, I am no longer in a position where Riley’s drinking can ruin my holiday. But, the memories remain and while others are reminiscing their holidays past, I must reach deep to find holidays that are worth remembering.

When I was living alone and was 3,000 miles from my kids, I preferred to celebrate by myself without the Christmas fanfare. It was less painful then going to parties and dinners and watching happy couples and gleaming kids’ faces.

Now that I’m living closer to the kids and their kids, I still don’t do much over the holidays. I sit back and watch as my daughter and grand-daughter-in-law take the lead and do the planning, cooking, etc. I enjoy the view. After all the years of being the organizer and the one who sees it through, I rather like not having the responsibility.

Sometimes, back when I was alone for Christmas, I still wanted to feel that feeling of giving to others. I volunteered at a soup kitchen on Christmas day. I mended coats to be given to those who had none. I wrote letters from Santa and made phone calls to children on Christmas Eve while playing the part of Mrs. Claus. I went to Christmas plays and sang carols in the shower. All that soothed the open wound of being alone at Christmas.

I don’t really hate this season but I’m not in love with it. I’m not one of those people who count the days from Independence Day to December 25^th. I just let it happen and go with whatever the kids want.

This wreath for sale --
email me for information

Christmas can be a very depressing time. If you find that you fit that description, you can go into hibernation from December 24-25^th. Plan for it. Shop for it. Look forward to it. Get some DVDs of your favorite non-holiday movies and the same for music. If you make it an event to welcome, you will find you may not be so depressed. You could invite other non-holiday revelers to share your celebration of not celebrating.

If you are still in a Christmas mood, you could try doing some of the things that I did, like serving in a soup kitchen. It might make things easier for a little while. Then you can go back to mumbling “Bah Humbug!”

Whatever you do, just remember it’s only a couple days and then it’s over. It’s temporary, so don’t make a permanent decision around a temporary situation.

Surviving the Chaos -- Caregiving the Caregiver

A great gift for anyone who is a caregiver. It's not just for caregivers of alcoholics, but any caregiver.

Find out who you really are and what you want to do with your life. You are the most important person in your life. Use the tools in this book to take care of yourself better.

Available on https://www.amazon.com/dp/1540478483/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1481889208&sr=1-3&keywords=Surviving+the+Chaos

Surviving the Chaos is Now Available!

NOW AVAILABLE!!

Surviving the Chaos

Caregiving the Caregiver

It's time to take care of yourself. Sometimes we forget that we are even a part of the human race. I often feel that my life, needs, desires are not elements to be considered. The alcoholic is the only person that matters.

NO MORE! I am important. My life does matter. I'm not willing to give up my health or dreams to make sure that someone else is protected. The most important person to take care of in my life is ME.

Surviving the Chaos explains how to take the leap from being simply a caregiver to being a caregiver to myself first. Learn about physical, mental, financial health, time management and how to discover who you really are and what you want. Through worksheets and explanations, this book is a one-of-a-kind must have for anyone who is caregiving an alcoholic or simply has one in their life.

To order now:

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or go to Amazon.com and see all the books written by me and available for sale. Go to Amazon.com and search for "Linda Bartee Doyne."

Caretaker versus Caregiver

After I finished writing the new book, Surviving the Chaos, I sent it to the proofreader to find all my typos, inconsistencies and other errors. I had titled the book and added a phrase, Caretaking the Caregiver. As soon as the proofer received my manuscript, she immediately telephoned me.

“We have a problem,” she says. Then she patiently went on to explain to me the difference between a caretaker and a caregiver. Oops… I had made a big mistake and needed to make a few (a lot) of changes. Well… that’s why I hire a proofreader.

Caretaker – A person employed to look after a public building or a house in the owner’s absence such as a janitor, custodian, superintendent, maintenance man/women, etc.

Caregiver – A family member or paid helper who regularly looks after a child or a sick, elderly or disabled person.

As I’m making the changes, my mind drifts off (more so than usual) and I start thinking about caretaking and caregiving.

Hmmm… sometimes it feels as though I’m more of a caretaker than a caregiver. Sometimes it feels that I’m attending to an object rather than a person. I guess I do because I’m keeping Riley’s room clean and free of dust, dirt, and smelly things. So if I’m taking care of his room, I would be a caretaker.

However, I’m also taking care of a person inside that room and for that part of this whole thing, I’m a caregiver. Does that make me a caretaking caregiver? Or a caregiving caretaker?

It doesn’t really matter because most of the time I feel that I’m simply a servant. Riley often announces that he expects me to be his employee whose job is to meet his every need. I don’t receive a paycheck for being his employee, instead I should be happy to be in a position of taking care of him. I don’t know why he thinks it would be such a privilege to change his soiled underwear of pick his remote up off the floor a dozen times a day. But, in his atrophied brain it all makes sense to him.

Sometimes I forget that I must treat him like a child rather than an adult. He looks like an adult. He talks like an adult. But, alas, he is not. He is a 12-year-old boy in a man’s body. He is at the stage where he believes the world should revolve around him. There’s nothing to be done about it, so I simply play into it. That keeps me a bit saner.

If Riley were an object rather than a person, my life would be so much easier. I could simply dust him off and place him back on the bed. He wouldn’t be able to talk to I wouldn’t have to respond to his every question. No cooking him meals or feeding his internal cookie monster.

The reality is that he IS a person. No matter what he has put me through in our couple history, he is still human. In order to take care of him, I separate all that hurt and anger from the past from what is going on now. In my mind the past is put into a box and placed on my closet shelf. I don’t take it down and go through it for old time’s sake. It’s best left alone. If I go through it, all those memories would be in the forefront of my brain and I wouldn’t be able to do what I need to do for Riley.

When I took him back into my home I never imagined things would go so far for so long. Caregiving to this degree was never my intent. But things have a way of happening in directions we never imagine. So, until I can hire someone else to do it, I’m a caretaking caregiver and I know the difference.

Risky Drinking, a must-see film

I’ve been in New York City for the past couple of days. I was invited to the preview showing of the HBO film, Risky Drinking. I happily put Riley into a nursing home for respite and headed off to take a bite out of the Big Shiny Apple! I’ll write about the trip in another post because for now – it’s all about Risky Drinking.

There were four subjects who consented to have their lives filmed over a course of time.

Kenzie is a young professional who manages to keep her life in order during the work week and then “lets go” on the weekend. What starts out as fun and games always seems to end up with tears and apologies.

Mike moves to St. Thomas, Virgin Islands, to start a new career and a new life. His teenage son comes to visit him and ends up “taking care” of his father. After the boy returns home, Mike attempts to reconcile with his wife, but the attempt ends in disaster.

Rhonda uses alcohol as a coping mechanism and participates in a weekly happy hour with three other women. One of the women, Noel, a divorced mother of two, uses wine to escape her negative feeling. Noel begins to lose her ability to control her drinking.

Neal, a father of two grown children, is at the end-stages of alcoholism. He struggles to function but seems unable to stop his self-destructive behavior. His second wife, Kathy, finds herself attending to him as she would a child.

I was surprised and almost felt a bit guilty as parts of the film made me break out in laughter. It wasn’t really that I thought what was happening was funny. It was that it was so absurd that it was comical. I wanted to yell out to the screen – “Are you KIDDING me??” It was the same reaction I had when observing any drunken person trying to give a sound reasonable explanation for why they are drinking; why it’s OK for them to drive; why their children’s needs aren’t really that important; or any other thing that they needed to explain.

There was no laughter as the film showed Neal in his various states of drunkenness. There was a segment where Neal had been admitted to the hospital for detox. The scenes of him interacting with his grandson were touching and would seem to be a very important reason for Neal to stop drinking. But he does not. His wife, Kathy, is frustrated and ready to divorce him.

This film is a must-see for anyone who believes they may be drinking more than they should. If you can see yourself in any of the four scenarios, it would indicate that it’s time to get some help.

Another aspect to this film that I don’t believe the producers planned for is the behavior and actions of the people who were not the subjects. It was a side effect that needed to be shown. In fact, the subject of the silent collateral damage left in the wake of alcoholism deserves a film all on its own.

Be sure to watch RISKY DRINKING on HBO at 8 pm (EST) on December 19^th, 2016.

Risky Drinking Premiere

From time to time you've read about my collaboration with HBO for their documentary film on alcoholism.

RISKY DRINKING

An HBO documentary film

Premieres

December 19, 2016 at 8:00 p.m.

(Eastern and Pacific Time)

This film challenges viewers to recognize and evaluate their own risky drinking behaviors. The film follows four case studies who are in a broad spectrum of risky drinking stages. Addiction experts explain the science behind the alcohol abuse disorder and provide statistics about its prevalence and hazards.

RISKY DRINKING was directed by Ellen Goosenberg Kent; produced by Ellen Goosenberg Kent and Perri Peltz; segment director, Perri Peltz; supervising editor, Geeta Gandbhir; editor, Alex Keipper. For HBO: senior producer, Sara Bernstein; executive producer, Sheila Nevins.

A MUST-SEE FOR ALL MY READERS!

Other HBO playdates: Dec. 22 (10:10 a.m., 11:50 p.m.), 24 (1:15 p.m.), 27 (5:15 p.m.) and 30 (3:00 p.m., 2:15 a.m.), and Jan. 8 (1:35 p.m.)

HBO2 playdates: Dec. 21 (2:10 a.m.) and 24 (10:35 p.m.)

The documentary will also be available on HBO NOW, HBO GO, HBO On Demand and affiliate portals.

I'm looking forward to reading your comments after you view the film.

Til death do we part...

I hate it when I get e-mails from people who have lost a loved one to alcoholism. My heart breaks for them and all I want is to hold them like a baby to ease the pain. I remember the unbearable stabbing in my heart when Captain Morgan stole my son from me.

I slugged my way through the memorial service with fake smiles and nods as loving friends and family took my hand and told me how sorry they were. My mind raced with sarcastic comments – they weren’t as sorry as I was and NO, I didn’t believe he was better off now. Instead I simply nodded and said “Thank you for coming.”

My older brother died of leukemia. I had the same feeling when he died that I did when my son died. Leukemia stole my brother and I didn’t think he was now in a much better place. His place was with

Not so simple to survive, thrive, flourish

Lately, I’ve been hot on writing the new book. It’s about surviving the chaos when care giving an alcoholic. It could really be used for any type of care giving situation, but I’m focusing on alcoholism. I want to give you a glimpse inside the book in today’s blog post.

Between the covers you will find poems, cartoons, published blog posts, explanations, exercises, forms, tips for maintaining sanity, and lots of information. Discover who you really are and what you

Medicare -- Not a Knight in Shining Armour

There is some confusion within the general population of our country. The confusion is that it is easy to place a person into a facility. Nothing could be further from the truth unless you are extremely wealthy or planned well for you golden age back when you were rockin’ with Dick Clark.

Let me make this perfectly clear, Medicare does NOT pay for any type of long-term care in a facility. There are certain cases where they will cover up to six-weeks of care after a 3-day hospital stay. Let

Much ado about...

It’s been a trying week or so. I feel like a pinch hitter in the batting cage with a nerf bat trying to hit hard balls from a pitching machine stuck on the highest setting. No matter how hard I try to fend them off, those balls are coming at me at rocket speed. They have a mind of their own and they can see me, standing there, defenseless with my form bat. Do I drop the bat and run thereby forfeiting this game of… whatever it’s called? Or do I pray a lightening bolt will strike the pitching machine and end the game by an act of nature? Or do I run… run away as fast as I can?

I don’t know which course of action I will take. I’m still working on some kind of plan. I’m leaning

How can I help the caregiver?

This post is dedicated to a commenter named “Unknown”.

I understand how torn you are about what to do about your parents. Your father is wasting away from the booze and your mother is wasting away from the stress of taking care of him. That puts you in an uncomfortable position.

All of the things you describe of your father are typical of an alcoholic. As the alcohol continues to saturate his frontal lobe, he loses the ability to think logically about his actions. This part of the brain