New Year 2017

The New Year is upon us but I find myself looking backward. I suppose I’m reflecting on the events of 2016 and wondering where the year went. Each year passes by so quickly.

Some of the highlights of 2016 were health issues for me; viewing the premiere of HBO’s Risky Drinking; going to New York City; spending craft time with my great-grandkids; hiring an aide; and, Riley is still immortal.

I have plans for 2017. At the beginning of every year I make plans. Lots and lots of plans. So many plans that no human being could complete them in a series of New Years. I don’t do resolutions – I do plans. In short, I bite off far more than I can chew. I’m going to try to be more realistic this year. (Does that mean I’m making a resolution?)

In the year 2017 I will be working with a partner to create a documentary film about living life inside the chaos of a loved one’s alcoholism. It will be a collection of home videos from volunteers willing to document the complexity of their lives. There will be more information forthcoming. If you think you might be interested drop me an e-mail.

My blog posts will become a book. The posts will be indexed by topic and date making it easy to find posts that will be relevant to you. For those who want to “catch up” on the blog’s history, this will be an easy way to look back and not have to search the blog for what you are looking for.

There will be more guests posts on the blog. These guests will include rehab centers for my alcoholic readers. I’ll be lifting my criteria that to accept a rehab center for a post they must have a family program. However, I prefer rehab centers with some kind of unique draw to them.

I will attempt a webinar and seminars based on “Surviving the Chaos” workbook. The workbook will be used in conjunction with the presentations. Get your copy now so you can go through it before the date is set.

2017 will be a year of fixing this old body. I’ll be having four surgeries. So, while I’m recovering, I’ll be doing a lot of computer work for The Immortal Alcoholic.

If previous years are any indication – Riley will remain immortal – again.

I’m making an attempt at staying realistic, so I think I should stop there.

Have no doubt… things will change. Things will be added and deleted. If I’ve learned nothing over the past 68 years, I have certainly learned that nothing is set in stone. All things are subject to change in the blink of an eye. There will be change in 2017 and years after. It’s one of those things that us humans cannot control.

On the other hand, some things won’t change – won’t ever change. Those are the things that we must accept and work around, through, over and under until we find a way to live with whatever the issue is.

Riley will not change. He will continue his slow, but steady, downward spiral until his immortality runs out. This, I accept, as something I cannot control.

The most important thing I will do in 2017 is to take time for myself. Let my body heal after the surgeries. Let my psyche heal from the stress of anything going on around me. I will take naps, go shopping, sew and craft stuff, watch old movies… I will live my life and be happy to be alive.

What does your 2017 look like?

An Alcoholic Version of a Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house

Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse;

 The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

            In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

            While visions of household peace danced in their heads;

And mamma in her kerchief, fell quickly to sleep,

            And I with my nightcap, had just settled in to finish my bottle of scotch;

I had dozed off for a minute when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my recliner to see what was the matter.

 Away to the window I flew with a staggering stumble,

            Tore the ottoman and pulled the curtains off the window.

The moon, on the breast of the new-fallen snow,

            Gave such a luster of midday to objects below,

When, what to my wondering, hard to focus, eyes should appear,

            But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver so lively and quick,

            I knew in a moment it must be my drinking buddy Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

            They must be the guys from Roscoe’s Bar down the street,

And Nick whistled and shouted and call them by names I did not know:

“Now, Dasher! Now Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!

            On Comet! On, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall,

            Now, dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

            When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the housetop the guys all flew,

With the sleigh, full of liquor and Nick, too.

And then, in a twinkle, I slipped and fell on my head,

            Passed out until morning when,

The children thundered down the stairs searching for their bounty.

At first I had no recollection of how the curtains were pulled off the window,

            Or how scotch was spilled all over the floor.

But I knew something was not quite right with last night.

           Why can’t the kids stop squealing and why is my wife crying?

Can’t they see the pain in my head?

           With my vodka coffee in my mug, I hide in the bathroom to regain some reality.

I know it wasn’t a midnight hallucination,

            Nick and his buddies had visited my house in the dead of night.

But Nick says no, I must have seen St. Nicholas and his tiny reindeer.

I went to my computer and looked up rehab centers close to my home,

            My Christmas dinner was served to me there,

Because, I couldn’t rationalize all those reindeer on my roof,

            And maybe someone else will clean up all that poop in my yard.

Next year, will be different I’m sure,

            For sobriety paints a different picture and composes a new poem.

Hallucinations dash away, dash away all,

           Christmas will be pleasant in my home

So, I'm wishing everyone a Happy Christmas one and all!

Risky Drinking Review

Did you watch the Risky Drinking film? What did you think of it?

I liked the film very much. The fact that I advised HBO through an entire segment makes me unable to give an impartial opinion. Even though I like the film, after watching it for the second time, I realized that I am desensitized to the yukky parts of alcoholism. Hospitalization to detox and watching someone’s hands shaking is a bit ho-hum to me.

For me the concern was the 15-year-old boy taking care of his alcoholic father and the wife of the end-stage alcoholic who helps her husband go back into his job while in a drunken state. Those were the scenes that made me want to jump out of my seat and scream at the TV.

Let’s break this down by segment. In the first one, we see a young woman, Kenzie, who doesn’t do much drinking during the work week so that she feels comfortable binge drinking on the weekends. I know this is considered to be “fun” in her generation. But, I can’t understand why someone purposely gets drunk and begins the evening with laughter and always ends in tears. That’s not fun to me. But, I'm not a drinker. The fact is that binge drinking is just another form of alcoholism. I was disturbed with the young woman’s behavior while she was drinking and appalled at her reasoning for why it was all “OK.”

In the segment where a man, Mike, is having his teenage son visit him at his tropical island home over spring break was especially infuriating. The father wants the boy to come live with him rather than living with his mother in the states. At one point the father actually says he needs his son to come and help take care of him. What? What parent says that or expects that?

During this segment the man and his wife try to reconcile, but the effort ends up in a verbal confrontation. I was not shocked by the illogical reasoning that was spewing from the husband’s mouth. The inability to see how his behavior has ruined his marriage is a common trait among alcoholics. The scene could have come from any alcoholic home at almost any time. It’s not uncommon to those of us who have been a party to such arguments.

The entire time I was watching, I was thinking about that 15-year-old boy who has most likely seen this type of encounter between his parents many times over. I wanted to snatch the boy from inside my TV and run off with him to keep him safe. I wanted to make sure he had “normal” years of what is left of his childhood. On the other hand, how would I know what “normal” is since I’m the wife of an alcoholic?

Next, we have Noel and Rhonda. I’m not really sure what Rhonda’s function was in the film except that she was the introduction of Noel. I don’t think Noel is the only one with a problem in the group of women that share her happy hour enjoyment. My problem with Noel is that I did not see her drinking or drunk in front of her kids. I didn’t see her children suffering the way I know many children suffer. Maybe she is the tip of the iceberg and the assumption is that people will use their imagination to determine how bad things are. Unless you’ve lived it, I don’t see how anyone can simply use their imagination.

Noel was interesting because she used a new program called “Moderation Management” to help her control her drinking. It seemed to be working for her. I was happy her segment was in the movie because it reinforces my opinion that 12 step programs are not the only ones that can provide help to alcoholics. The fact that Noel seemed to be happy in her choice of programs and it was helping her, makes this segment worthwhile.

My personal favorite segment was the story of Neal. Maybe because I was the one who introduced the HBO producers to the couple. Neal’s wife, Kathy, has been a long-time follower of my blog and had written me many e-mails way before the film was even conceived. I believed they were the perfect candidates for filming. I was right.

Neal struggled through the film and yet was willing to have his life become an open book in order to show people how bad it could really get. What you see in the film is only a drop in the bucket compared to the reality of Neal’s life. What you don’t see in the film is the verbal argument between Kathy and the doctors at the hospital who did not want to admit Neal for detox. She takes a strong stand until the hospital agrees to take Neal into intensive care. I admire HBO for pushing the hospital administration to allow them to film Neal while he was hospitalized. Kathy and Neal stood behind HBO and between them they received their permission for filming.

I never wish anything bad to happen, but I had hoped the detox would be a bit more eventful than it was. Everyone was prepared for hallucinations and other horror factors, but Neal was fortunate to have an easy detox.

The most important thing for me to witness was the look on Kathy’s face as she attempts to get her husband to the detox center in Florida. You can clearly tell it was the last straw for her and I could feel her pain as I watched. Any alcoholic’s wife knows the look; knows the feeling of despair and sense of loss.

This is a must-see film for anyone who suspects that they may be drinking too much. But for me the real story is in the family. It is the teenage boy and his mother and the wife of the seemingly immortal alcoholic. That’s the true story of how extensive the damage can be amidst the chaos of alcoholism.

After watching this film, be sure to visit the website and read where these participants are now. You will find it to be very interesting.  http://www.hbo.com/documentaries/risky-drinking/synopsis/where-are-they-now.html

I was supposed to have been listed on the resource page of the website for this film, but alas, I seem to have been left on the cutting room floor. For the family and friends of alcoholics, there is a new forum site open and waiting for your participation. It's a baby forum so please be patient while we build our membership. Go go https://oarsfamilysupport.weebly.com/.

Merry Christmas or Bah Humbug!

It’s THAT time of year again. You know the one where everyone is full of love and kindness, hope and dreams, and, let’s not forget, jolly laughter. Instead of saying “Have a nice day,” you now hear “Have a Merry Christmas!” Those politically correct will say “Happy Holidays!” But for many of us, we just go with the flow while the words repeated in our heads are “Just let me get through this.”

Christmas and the holiday season is not always a joyful time in some of our lives. We go through the motions, such as buying the gifts, sending the cards, making the cookies and kissing under the mistletoe. We’d rather be curled up on the sofa with the dog, cat and a good book with the sounds of “Hotel California” coming from the stereo. No tree, gifts, egg nog, or any other such reminders of the season.

It may seem a bit harsh to the hardy, enthusiastic holiday lovers, but many people just want to be left alone. These are the people who have found themselves in a position of being alone during the season. Or they may as well be alone because they are attached to an alcoholic who manages to destroy every holiday on the calendar.

Some of the gifts an alcoholic may give loved ones would be, falling into the Christmas tree and breaking most of the ornaments and gifts; spiking the egg nog to the point where you can’t have a candle next to the punch bowl for fear of catching the entire block on fire; going to the store for a loaf of bread and never returning or, even worse, having an accident; getting into arguments with other family members because the alcoholic doesn’t like the color of someone’s shirt; and then, there one of my particular favorites – his mistress shows up at the front door baring gifts for the alcoholic’s wife and kids. (Really! That happened to me!)

Fortunately, I am no longer in a position where Riley’s drinking can ruin my holiday. But, the memories remain and while others are reminiscing their holidays past, I must reach deep to find holidays that are worth remembering.

When I was living alone and was 3,000 miles from my kids, I preferred to celebrate by myself without the Christmas fanfare. It was less painful then going to parties and dinners and watching happy couples and gleaming kids’ faces.

Now that I’m living closer to the kids and their kids, I still don’t do much over the holidays. I sit back and watch as my daughter and grand-daughter-in-law take the lead and do the planning, cooking, etc. I enjoy the view. After all the years of being the organizer and the one who sees it through, I rather like not having the responsibility.

Sometimes, back when I was alone for Christmas, I still wanted to feel that feeling of giving to others. I volunteered at a soup kitchen on Christmas day. I mended coats to be given to those who had none. I wrote letters from Santa and made phone calls to children on Christmas Eve while playing the part of Mrs. Claus. I went to Christmas plays and sang carols in the shower. All that soothed the open wound of being alone at Christmas.

I don’t really hate this season but I’m not in love with it. I’m not one of those people who count the days from Independence Day to December 25^th. I just let it happen and go with whatever the kids want.

This wreath for sale --
email me for information

Christmas can be a very depressing time. If you find that you fit that description, you can go into hibernation from December 24-25^th. Plan for it. Shop for it. Look forward to it. Get some DVDs of your favorite non-holiday movies and the same for music. If you make it an event to welcome, you will find you may not be so depressed. You could invite other non-holiday revelers to share your celebration of not celebrating.

If you are still in a Christmas mood, you could try doing some of the things that I did, like serving in a soup kitchen. It might make things easier for a little while. Then you can go back to mumbling “Bah Humbug!”

Whatever you do, just remember it’s only a couple days and then it’s over. It’s temporary, so don’t make a permanent decision around a temporary situation.

Surviving the Chaos -- Caregiving the Caregiver

A great gift for anyone who is a caregiver. It's not just for caregivers of alcoholics, but any caregiver.

Find out who you really are and what you want to do with your life. You are the most important person in your life. Use the tools in this book to take care of yourself better.

Available on https://www.amazon.com/dp/1540478483/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1481889208&sr=1-3&keywords=Surviving+the+Chaos

Surviving the Chaos is Now Available!

NOW AVAILABLE!!

Surviving the Chaos

Caregiving the Caregiver

It's time to take care of yourself. Sometimes we forget that we are even a part of the human race. I often feel that my life, needs, desires are not elements to be considered. The alcoholic is the only person that matters.

NO MORE! I am important. My life does matter. I'm not willing to give up my health or dreams to make sure that someone else is protected. The most important person to take care of in my life is ME.

Surviving the Chaos explains how to take the leap from being simply a caregiver to being a caregiver to myself first. Learn about physical, mental, financial health, time management and how to discover who you really are and what you want. Through worksheets and explanations, this book is a one-of-a-kind must have for anyone who is caregiving an alcoholic or simply has one in their life.

To order now:

 https://www.createspace.com/6727428

or go to Amazon.com and see all the books written by me and available for sale. Go to Amazon.com and search for "Linda Bartee Doyne."

Caretaker versus Caregiver

After I finished writing the new book, Surviving the Chaos, I sent it to the proofreader to find all my typos, inconsistencies and other errors. I had titled the book and added a phrase, Caretaking the Caregiver. As soon as the proofer received my manuscript, she immediately telephoned me.

“We have a problem,” she says. Then she patiently went on to explain to me the difference between a caretaker and a caregiver. Oops… I had made a big mistake and needed to make a few (a lot) of changes. Well… that’s why I hire a proofreader.

Caretaker – A person employed to look after a public building or a house in the owner’s absence such as a janitor, custodian, superintendent, maintenance man/women, etc.

Caregiver – A family member or paid helper who regularly looks after a child or a sick, elderly or disabled person.

As I’m making the changes, my mind drifts off (more so than usual) and I start thinking about caretaking and caregiving.

Hmmm… sometimes it feels as though I’m more of a caretaker than a caregiver. Sometimes it feels that I’m attending to an object rather than a person. I guess I do because I’m keeping Riley’s room clean and free of dust, dirt, and smelly things. So if I’m taking care of his room, I would be a caretaker.

However, I’m also taking care of a person inside that room and for that part of this whole thing, I’m a caregiver. Does that make me a caretaking caregiver? Or a caregiving caretaker?

It doesn’t really matter because most of the time I feel that I’m simply a servant. Riley often announces that he expects me to be his employee whose job is to meet his every need. I don’t receive a paycheck for being his employee, instead I should be happy to be in a position of taking care of him. I don’t know why he thinks it would be such a privilege to change his soiled underwear of pick his remote up off the floor a dozen times a day. But, in his atrophied brain it all makes sense to him.

Sometimes I forget that I must treat him like a child rather than an adult. He looks like an adult. He talks like an adult. But, alas, he is not. He is a 12-year-old boy in a man’s body. He is at the stage where he believes the world should revolve around him. There’s nothing to be done about it, so I simply play into it. That keeps me a bit saner.

If Riley were an object rather than a person, my life would be so much easier. I could simply dust him off and place him back on the bed. He wouldn’t be able to talk to I wouldn’t have to respond to his every question. No cooking him meals or feeding his internal cookie monster.

The reality is that he IS a person. No matter what he has put me through in our couple history, he is still human. In order to take care of him, I separate all that hurt and anger from the past from what is going on now. In my mind the past is put into a box and placed on my closet shelf. I don’t take it down and go through it for old time’s sake. It’s best left alone. If I go through it, all those memories would be in the forefront of my brain and I wouldn’t be able to do what I need to do for Riley.

When I took him back into my home I never imagined things would go so far for so long. Caregiving to this degree was never my intent. But things have a way of happening in directions we never imagine. So, until I can hire someone else to do it, I’m a caretaking caregiver and I know the difference.

Risky Drinking, a must-see film

I’ve been in New York City for the past couple of days. I was invited to the preview showing of the HBO film, Risky Drinking. I happily put Riley into a nursing home for respite and headed off to take a bite out of the Big Shiny Apple! I’ll write about the trip in another post because for now – it’s all about Risky Drinking.

There were four subjects who consented to have their lives filmed over a course of time.

Kenzie is a young professional who manages to keep her life in order during the work week and then “lets go” on the weekend. What starts out as fun and games always seems to end up with tears and apologies.

Mike moves to St. Thomas, Virgin Islands, to start a new career and a new life. His teenage son comes to visit him and ends up “taking care” of his father. After the boy returns home, Mike attempts to reconcile with his wife, but the attempt ends in disaster.

Rhonda uses alcohol as a coping mechanism and participates in a weekly happy hour with three other women. One of the women, Noel, a divorced mother of two, uses wine to escape her negative feeling. Noel begins to lose her ability to control her drinking.

Neal, a father of two grown children, is at the end-stages of alcoholism. He struggles to function but seems unable to stop his self-destructive behavior. His second wife, Kathy, finds herself attending to him as she would a child.

I was surprised and almost felt a bit guilty as parts of the film made me break out in laughter. It wasn’t really that I thought what was happening was funny. It was that it was so absurd that it was comical. I wanted to yell out to the screen – “Are you KIDDING me??” It was the same reaction I had when observing any drunken person trying to give a sound reasonable explanation for why they are drinking; why it’s OK for them to drive; why their children’s needs aren’t really that important; or any other thing that they needed to explain.

There was no laughter as the film showed Neal in his various states of drunkenness. There was a segment where Neal had been admitted to the hospital for detox. The scenes of him interacting with his grandson were touching and would seem to be a very important reason for Neal to stop drinking. But he does not. His wife, Kathy, is frustrated and ready to divorce him.

This film is a must-see for anyone who believes they may be drinking more than they should. If you can see yourself in any of the four scenarios, it would indicate that it’s time to get some help.

Another aspect to this film that I don’t believe the producers planned for is the behavior and actions of the people who were not the subjects. It was a side effect that needed to be shown. In fact, the subject of the silent collateral damage left in the wake of alcoholism deserves a film all on its own.

Be sure to watch RISKY DRINKING on HBO at 8 pm (EST) on December 19^th, 2016.

Risky Drinking Premiere

From time to time you've read about my collaboration with HBO for their documentary film on alcoholism.

RISKY DRINKING

An HBO documentary film

Premieres

December 19, 2016 at 8:00 p.m.

(Eastern and Pacific Time)

This film challenges viewers to recognize and evaluate their own risky drinking behaviors. The film follows four case studies who are in a broad spectrum of risky drinking stages. Addiction experts explain the science behind the alcohol abuse disorder and provide statistics about its prevalence and hazards.

RISKY DRINKING was directed by Ellen Goosenberg Kent; produced by Ellen Goosenberg Kent and Perri Peltz; segment director, Perri Peltz; supervising editor, Geeta Gandbhir; editor, Alex Keipper. For HBO: senior producer, Sara Bernstein; executive producer, Sheila Nevins.

A MUST-SEE FOR ALL MY READERS!

Other HBO playdates: Dec. 22 (10:10 a.m., 11:50 p.m.), 24 (1:15 p.m.), 27 (5:15 p.m.) and 30 (3:00 p.m., 2:15 a.m.), and Jan. 8 (1:35 p.m.)

HBO2 playdates: Dec. 21 (2:10 a.m.) and 24 (10:35 p.m.)

The documentary will also be available on HBO NOW, HBO GO, HBO On Demand and affiliate portals.

I'm looking forward to reading your comments after you view the film.

Til death do we part...

I hate it when I get e-mails from people who have lost a loved one to alcoholism. My heart breaks for them and all I want is to hold them like a baby to ease the pain. I remember the unbearable stabbing in my heart when Captain Morgan stole my son from me.

I slugged my way through the memorial service with fake smiles and nods as loving friends and family took my hand and told me how sorry they were. My mind raced with sarcastic comments – they weren’t as sorry as I was and NO, I didn’t believe he was better off now. Instead I simply nodded and said “Thank you for coming.”

My older brother died of leukemia. I had the same feeling when he died that I did when my son died. Leukemia stole my brother and I didn’t think he was now in a much better place. His place was with

Not so simple to survive, thrive, flourish

Lately, I’ve been hot on writing the new book. It’s about surviving the chaos when care giving an alcoholic. It could really be used for any type of care giving situation, but I’m focusing on alcoholism. I want to give you a glimpse inside the book in today’s blog post.

Between the covers you will find poems, cartoons, published blog posts, explanations, exercises, forms, tips for maintaining sanity, and lots of information. Discover who you really are and what you