Are you playing the Hero? Part Two

Kelsey Brown of Nova Recovery Center contacted me about doing a post on the roles family members often play in an alcoholic family. While there are a few things in this write-up that do not match my point of view, I like what Kelsey has written. Since it's a long write up, this post will be shown in a series of three separate posts. I won't confuse the issue by writing in between the posts. However, when the last one is published, I will write a post giving my feelings / differences with Kelsey's post.

PART TWO

Guest Post by

Kelsey Brown
Nova Recovery Center 

The Hero: Using Perfectionism to Cope

The hero role is very similar to the caretaker of the family, in that the hero spends a great deal of time attempting to restore the balance of the household and maintain the outward appearance that everything is okay. Although this person is often a perfectionist, extremely self-sufficient, and overly responsible, he or she may also struggle with fear, guilt, and shame regarding their loved one’s battle with addiction.

The hero is often an older child in the family, but this doesn’t necessarily hold true all the time. He or she will appear to be confident and mature and may also assume many of the parental duties in the household. As the addict’s substance abuse worsens, the hero may find him or herself struggling to keep up with it all.

In an attempt to do everything right and give the rest of the family some sense of hope, the hero often ends up extremely anxious, stressed out, and emotionally run down. All the focus on performing well and being the “golden child” ends up being an overwhelming amount of pressure.

If you are playing the hero, you may find yourself doing some of the following things:

●     Covering up the addict’s mistakes.

●     Giving a parent the emotional support they should be getting from their addicted spouse.

●     Providing financial support after an addicted parent loses a job.

●     Being overly concerned with performance-based behaviors like doing well in school or excelling at work.

●     Being unable to accept failure.

●     Lying to neighbors or friends about things going on at home.

Why Am I Playing the Hero?

For many people, the need to play the hero stems from a desire to “fix” everyone and everything going on in the household. They may also seek approval and self-worth through their accomplishments, although the constant race to perfection leaves them feeling inadequate and alone.

For some, taking on the hero role may also be a way to deal with uncertain feelings and emotions regarding the addict and his or her addiction problem. For example, on the outside, the confident, performance-based behaviors of the hero put off an air of strength, independence, and success. But on the inside, the hero is battling feelings of confusion, anger, and fear.

Are you playing the Hero? Part One

Kelsey Brown of Nova Recovery Center contacted me about doing a post on the roles family members often play in an alcoholic family. While there are a few things in this write-up that do not match my point of view, I like what Kelsey has written. Since it's a long write up, this post will be shown in a series of three separate posts. I won't confuse the issue by writing in between the posts. However, when the last one is published, I will write a post giving my feelings / differences with Kelsey's post.

PART ONE

Guest Post by

Kelsey Brown
Nova Recovery Center 

Families generally seek balance, even in the chaos of addiction. When a spouse, sibling, or child is suffering from addiction, family members often take on dysfunctional survival roles to reduce stress, conflict, and anxiety at home. In the face of addiction, this roleplaying is a feeble attempt to control the chaos. But in the end, loved ones only end up hiding the truth from themselves, their children, and their friends.

Playing the “hero” is a common coping mechanism for some people when they are struggling to function in a household that is choked by addiction. In an environment that is defined by instability and hostility, playing the hero may seem like the only way to cope. However, playing the hero is a short-term solution that will inevitably backfire and cause even more conflict, disconnect, and disruption of the family unit.

How Families Cope with Addiction: Family Survival Roles

When addiction is involved, family members often take on one of six different roles. According to the National Association for Children of Alcoholics, these roles include:

●        The Addict: This person is the drug or alcohol abuser. They are generally at the center of all the conflict within the family unit and much of the attention is placed on this person because of their substance abuse.

●        The Mascot: This person uses humor to deal with the conflict and tension in the family due to the addict’s behaviors. Though their humor is often intended to lighten the mood and help other family member’s cope, often it makes things worse and may even keep the addict from taking recovery seriously and getting the help they need.

●        The Scapegoat: This person draws attention away from the addict by acting out, often in the form of rebelling. This is harmful to the family because it diverts the focus away from the real problem: the addict’s behavior.

●        The Lost Child: This person is often quiet and reserved, never talking about the addict’s behavior or the possibility of recovery. They usually give up their own needs and fly under the radar, purposely avoiding any conversation about their own role in the family unit or the roles of others.

●        The Caretaker: This person is the enabler, although their intention is most often just to maintain the balance within the family unit. They may make excuses for the addict’s behaviors, cover up for them, and attempt to keep everyone else happy in the process. They try their hardest to make sure the family problems never leave the walls of the home, so neighbors and community members don’t see the dysfunction.

●        The Hero: The hero is usually a perfectionist and they want to make everyone in the family look good. They cover up for the addict’s mistakes and do everything they can to make the family appear “normal.” Their primary goal is to keep things positive and ignore the unhealthy roles other family members have taken on to cope with the addiction.

These six roles tend to oppose each other, causing more family conflict and turmoil and exacerbating the addiction problem of the addict. Family members adopt these roles for basic survival, which may temporarily reduce stress, but the addiction and the anxiety surrounding it often remains. Additionally, these roles can gradually become codependent behaviors, which continue to fuel the fire of addiction.

Other issues can exacerbate the conflict within the family, worsen the addiction, and make these roles even more complex. Such issues may include:

●     Financial problems

●     Resentment about drug problems, marital affairs, jealousy, etc.

●     Personality conflicts

●     A death in the family

Although each role plays an important part in the dysfunction of addiction in families, in this article, we’ll strictly focus on the hero, and the impact this role has on the family unit and the person fulfilling it.

Tornado warning (Re-post)

It's that time of year. It's hurricane, tornadoes and cyclones...

Below is a post I like to share around this time of year. It's a re-post so please keep that in mind as you read about Riley and I waiting out a tornado.

Tornado warning… (5/3/2011)

When the Emergency Broadcast came over the television announcing that we were under a Tornado Warning, I gathered my stuff – blankets, pillows, laptop, water, etc – and put it in a secure place in my bathroom. I was ready.

Riley was in his rocking chair watching his usual NCIS. I told him we needed to get his bathroom ready in case the worst came about. He just said – “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” And being the good little caretaker that I am – I stocked his bathroom. Both the bathrooms are small and there is really only room for one person in each.

As the night wore on, I settled in and listened. Wind, rain, hail, more rain, quiet, wind and more wind – but there was no rumble. I was waiting for the rumble sound of an oncoming train. It never happened – and I was thankful.

As I was waiting, I could feel the house swaying with the wind. We have a brick rancher – solid as possibly could be – but the wind was so strong it was moving the house. I thought of the three little pigs who built their last house of bricks. What a smart thing to do.

In spite of the three little pigs’ wise decision to use brick in the construction – some lyrics kept running through my head -- but they weren’t verses about the pigs’ quest for a secure dwelling. Instead, I was hearing in my head the lyrics to a song from The Wizard of Oz.

The wind began to switch – the house to pitch and suddenly the hinges started to unhitch.

Life with an alcoholic is much the same as a house in the middle of a tornado. This first verse could well define what it is like to watch the beginning of an alcoholic downfall. Things are unsettled, the family never feels secure and things start to fall apart.

Just then the Witch – to satisfy an itch went flying on her broomstick, thumbing for a hitch.

The alcoholic (the Witch) needs to satisfy the craving for alcohol and so he/she seeks it out. Sometimes they ask others to help them obtain the alcohol – as in hitching a ride to the liquor store.

And oh, what happened then was rich.

I think if we substitute the word “sad” for the word “rich,” this would be exactly correct. Because what happens after the alcoholic gets the booze is rich with sadness.

The house began to pitch. The kitchen took a slitch.

Things become increasingly upsetting in the alcoholic household as the drinking continues.

It landed on the Wicked Witch in the middle of a ditch, which was not a healthy situation for the Wicked Witch.

The consequences of the alcoholic’s actions cause him/her to land in unpleasant situations. Eventually the health of the alcoholic deteriorates and puts the alcoholic’s life in danger.

Who began to twitch and was reduced to just a stitch of what was once the Wicked Witch.

The person who was once a vital, productive, happy member of the community is reduced to becoming a mere servant of alcohol. At that point, the entire family is not in Kansas anymore, but rather in some uninhabitable place – like Antarctica. No matter how many times you click your heels, those ruby red slippers are not going to help you now.

I’m told by fellow country dwellers that this is unusual weather for this time of year. Funny, in Linda and Riley World – living in a tornado is a way of life.

Linda's Transition to Sanity

It’s been a pretty busy and heart breaking few months for me.

I was told that I could not have the surgery I need for another six months. That’s disappointing since I’ve been working towards having this for more than a year. It would have been life changing at just the right time. It will still be life changing, but at a different time and place.

I was forced to move from my big old farmhouse onto a sofa bed in my daughters’ living room.

My daughter is working more than 1400 miles away and I am care taking her two pit bulls (who hate my spaniel) while she is off earning a living.

I want to move to Florida but my funds have been exhausted because, as a lot of seniors know, my income has been cut in half since the death of Riley.

I was in the process of having my teeth fixed when Riley died and I had to stop in the middle due to lack of funds.

My best friend of 54 years is very ill and she may not be around long enough for me to go visit her one last time.

TO TOP ALL THAT OFF – the man I’ve been involved with for about 2 years has been diagnosed with cancer. Our relationship has been long distance and with all the stress and miscommunication, we’ve ended our relationship. HEART BREAKING. As much as I would hope for a reconciliation, I just don’t see that in the near future.

I need a new direction. A start on a new life without the chaos of anything alcohol-related. This realization comes on the heels of having had an opportunity to turn the Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife in a documentary film. That task would involve a lot… I mean… a lot… of fundraising which would consume an enormous amount of my time when I should be working at a regular paying job. URRGGHHH!

What I need is something that I’m sure most of my readers will not like. I am retiring from all my alcohol-related ventures. However, I will continue to do coaching. I love the one-on-one time I get with people who actually LIKE talking to me. I am happy that my experience can make someone else’s life more manageable. I’m not sure what I am going to do with the blog, but I plan to turn the posts into a book. I will be posting for a while to keep my readers up to date on my progress. But, I don't know how long I will be posting.

I have begun my search for a job in my old profession – real estate title examining. Hopefully someone will consider my California real estate experience to be of benefit in the state of Florida. If not, I can always try for a job as a greeter at a big box store.

Yes. I’m still moving to Florida. Orange trees, sunshine, white beaches, friends and a new adventure.

I would like a hasty exit. A clean cut from the memories that this state holds for me. To make that happen, I am asking my readers to please help me raise funds for this major transition in my life. I am going to Florida with only the things that will fit in my car, so I will need just about everything to set up my new home – a small apartment in a lovely complex.

My goal is $5000 to cover the cost of transportation, apartment deposit, basic set up essentials, groceries and a portion of my remaining dental expense ($2000). I welcome donations of Marriott Reward points or other gift cards. The reward will be based on the dollar value of the donation.

Anyone who donates to LINDA’s TRANSITION TO SANITY Fund will receive:  

Available Rewards	$15	$25	$50	$100	$200	$300	$400
Immortal Alcohol Blog Post Book				X	X	X	X
Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife			X			X	X
Workbook for Caregivers					X	X	X
Surviving the Chaos					X	X	X
That Reminds Me							X
Huh? ABCs of Understanding Women							X
90-minute Massage Envy gift card						X
Coaching Session (1 hour session)	X	XX	XX	X	X		X

     All donations, no matter the amount, will gain a shout out on my FaceBook and this blog.

Make your donation thru PayPal to LDoyne@live.com.

OR

A bowl of cherries...

 Since Riley’s death, I’ve had a hard time focusing on a single goal. I call it “floundering.” There are lots of things than need my attention, but I can’t seem to do one thing to completion, but rather switch back and forth, back and forth.

I wake up in the morning and say to myself… “Self, you will do something today that is positive and will set the course for more positive things. Today you will complete just ONE thing.” Self listens to me – for about half a nano-second. Then it’s a little of this and a little of that. Back and forth… back and forth.

Back in the day, when Riley went to rehab, and there were lots of those times, I would sit in the empty, quiet house and think about all the things I needed to do. I made a mental list. Followed by a written list. Followed by organizing and categorizing the list thereby creating more lists. I would hold the list in my hand, smooth it out on the desktop, fold it into fourths, turn it over, unfold it, then tell myself I would start marking things off the list first the thing the next morning.

The next morning, I would have awakened from a wonderfully peaceful nights sleep because there were no interruptions from a drunken Riley doing whatever it was he was doing in the middle of the night. At first, I would be startled from the sheer quietness, but then realize, oh yeah, Riley is in rehab. I have my coffee, a cup or three, and take out my list.

Well, I think to myself, I can do this and get it done. But before I finish getting it done, some other task catches my eye and I start on that. That’s the way it continues until the day Riley returns from rehab and I realize not ONE of the tasks on the list have been completed. But, that should be OK because Riley is a new and improved person because he’s been in rehab and vows to never drink again. Maybe he will help finish the list.

OK… well.. the first six or so times he came back from rehab, I would probably have believed that line of recovery speak. After that, he could have been telling me that the rainbow landed in our backyard and there were several pots of gold out there just waiting for me to go cash them in.

FANTASY. It would be a fantasy if I truly believed that my life with a newly recovering alcoholic would be a bowl of cherries with a dollop of whipped cream on top. The truth is he will exchange the alcohol addiction to a support group addiction. That’s the way it has to be in order for him to maintain everything he gained inside the center.

He’s not going to help me cross those items off that list I so thoughtfully made while he was learning how to live without alcohol. There may be a brief “honeymoon” period where everything is all lightness and loving and just simply wonderful. But it never lasts. I enjoyed it while I could. Made the most of it because I COULD NOT depend on it being there forever.

Things would be good. Sometimes things would be great. But eventually, they would always revert back to being terrible. And I would ALWAYS be devastated.

You see… I screwed up way back up there when I was making out the list. That list should have been things for me to do that I WANTED for MY life. It should have been things to make my life happier, more fulfilling, without Riley in my life at all. They should have been things I wanted / needed to do that didn’t include Riley. While he was in rehab he was making his own list for his life and when he got out, he was acting on that list and life. It had nothing to do with my life. That’s what I should have been doing for myself instead of making a list of chores and tasks.

So, your alcoholic is in rehab. Now What?? Don’t expect that bowl of cherries life with him. Instead make it a bowl of YOUR favorite fruit and don’t share it with anyone. It’s your bowl. It’s your life. Make it what you want.

For more on what to do now that he's in rehab see this post:

https://immortalalcoholic.blogspot.com/2014/11/hes-in-rehab-now-what.html

A place called "denial"

There is a place I want to visit. It’s Denial Bay, South Australia. It’s really just a fishing and tourist village on the western side of Murat Bay about 350 miles from Adelaide. This bay and village was named from the “deceptive hope [they] had formed penetrating by it some distance into the interior of the country.” In other words it was suspected that the bay would provide an entry into the interior regions of the country, but instead was simply a bay and not an entrance. Denial Bay is now a stop for tourists who wish to enjoy a change of scenery from the salt bushes.

It doesn’t sound like such a bad place to visit. It doesn’t conjure up visions of doom that the phrase “floating up the river of Denial” seems to generate.

Let’s take a look at the word “denial”. It can be a verb deriving from the word “deny” or it can be a noun indicating a place called “Denial.” In this case, the real place of Denial Bay and the fictional river of Denial.

I think the word “denial” has gotten a bad rap. Sometimes denying certain things is a means to protect ourselves from potentially harmful situations. For example, I deny that I like any food that is spicy hot. The reality is that I DO like a bit of spice to my food, but if I say I don’t, I won’t get a dish so hot that I need a fire extinguisher to put out the flames. I protect myself from that pain by denying that I want any heat at all.

When my doctor asks me if I have trouble sleeping, I tell him absolutely not. However, as that clock turns to 3:00 A.M. and sleep is NOT on the horizon, I realize that I’m in denial about my sleeping habits. I believe I may be trying to protect myself from something by lying to my doctor. I have no clue why. I just know that I’m in denial.

When Riley was alive, I denied that stress was affecting my life. In my mind, if I said it often enough, denied it vehemently, it would not be true. The reality is that stress was destroying my physical and mental health. In my mind, I thought that it didn’t matter if I denied or not because there was nothing I could do about the situation. It was better to accept that the way my life was, is how my life would be and denial made all that easier.

I have a friend who denies that he wants a committed relationship. He claims not to want a relationship in order to protect himself from a broken heart. So he ends each potential mating before there’s a chance to find out if she is Ms. Right. Denying that there could be a Ms Right protects him from the pain of heartbreak.

Alcoholics don’t want to admit they are alcoholics so they deny that alcohol is a problem. Spouses deny that alcohol has any effect on their lives because they don’t want the outside world’s image of a perfectly loving marriage to be blemished in any way. The spouse is denying as a means of protecting the marriage.

No one wants to admit that their thought process is flawed. Accepting the thing that you’re denying is downright terrifying. It means facing the fact that a change needs to happen. Sometimes we don’t know how to change and sometimes we simply prefer our status quo. Some people live their entire life in the fictional state of denial while others make a move to reality, confront and resolve their issues.

I believe my life would have been far more enjoyable if I had not denied that Riley’s condition was causing me harm. I believe I would have accomplished more, learned more, laughed more, enjoyed more, and been more introspective of my own needs, had I just admitted that I was in need of help to relieve the stress. My denial was not the protector I thought it was.

Those of you who follow me know that I plan a lot of things. Many of them don’t happen the way I plan or in the time frame I want to do them. I deny that they will never happen. I’m planning a trip to Denial Bay, South Australia. After all, if I’m going to be in denial, I might as well enjoy seeing the sights of a sleepy fishing village that is the real Denial Bay. Anyone want to join me?

The joy of sex... or not...

Let’s talk loving sex.

I’m going to give you a glimpse into a very personal part of my life with Riley. When we first met and our love was fresh and new, our sex life was incredibly good. Love making took place at any time or place that the desire hit us. Foreplay started in the early morning hours and lasted through the day.

I thought Riley must have been given some kind of gift from God that was my personal instructor into such parts of the life. What can I say… I was young and sexually naïve. He was my lover and I loved him completely.

Let’s talk sex and alcohol.

As time went on, Riley became more interested in alcohol than he was in making love to me and the very frequent basis that it had been was considerably less often. Foreplay became a means to an end and became routine. We were simply two people who engaged in satisfying sex without much expression of love.

Riley began trying to encourage me to have sex in ways that I had never considered and was not interested. I didn’t want anything to do with swapping, a common practice in certain social circles during the 1970s. Neither was I open to any form of S & M practices. Of course, back then, we didn’t have Christian Grey to lead the way.

The increased alcohol consumption seems to have awakened in Riley a longing for a more interesting sex life. I was simply Vanilla and he was craving Rocky Road. He took that craving and found other women who were more in line with his desires.

Let’s talk sex with an alcoholic.  

Kissing an alcoholic is like sharing his last drink. The taste of vodka, or the drink of the minute, lingers on his lips and leaves the recycled alcohol anywhere that the alcoholic decides to kiss.

There is a pungent order to the alcoholic that does not wash away in the shower. It’s always there on their skin, in their clothes, and on their breath. It’s difficult to get around the odor to even give a friendly kiss, let alone be close enough for coitus.

Drunks are often sloppy in love-making and revert to a “get on, get off, and get out” mentality. Kisses are slobberly messes that create saliva trails on the partner’s skin. It’s like taking a spit bath with real spit generated from the most current booze refill. Their muscles have no firmness so they cannot support themselves over the body of their partner and end up lying flat on top as though the partner isn’t even there. Once ejaculation is achieved, they simply slide off the partner into a hazy unconsciousness leaving ejaculate spread like butter over the partner’s abdomen and legs.

When the alcoholic has sex the partner is not considered because sex becomes simply a way of achieving orgasm. There is no consideration for the partner’s satisfaction. The encounter may turn into a mindless “f . . k fest”.

For me, as a woman who has been married and intimate with a full-fledged alcoholic, I would rather engage my electronic toys and summon an imaginary lover from the creative part of my brain, than to deal with a drunken male counterpart.

From a clinical point of view:

Alcohol numbs the frontal lobe of the brain which is the home of things like common sense, logic, rational thought and values. When this part of the brain is saturated with alcohol all the things that reside there go to sleep and what would normally be forbidden now becomes acceptable. Inhibitions are lessened and rational thought no longer available to prevent making bad decisions.

The absence of the things that prevent a person from being foolish allows the drunk to take risks that would commonly not be taken. Sexual acts not previously acceptable, become desirable during the course of the drunkenness. In that moment, it isn’t really experimentation because it FEELS like a good thing to do. In a sober state of mind, those things would not take place but with the entrance of an over-indulgence of alcohol, anything goes.

You may be thinking… “Wow. That’s great. I’m going to get drunk so I’ll be more open to sexual encounters.” But, it’s not all good when you think of the physiological aspects of excessive alcohol consumption.

For men who imbibe, testosterone production is decreased and can even be inhibited all together. The reduction of testosterone results in adverse effects on libido and physical arousal. Ejaculation is not as intense or physically satisfying. Emotionally, since the frontal lobe is essentially turned off, there is very little connection between the act of sex and any emotional feeling. Sex becomes more mechanical rather than personal.

So when a sober man says, after a night of drunken sex with someone other than the significant other, “It didn’t mean anything.” Sadly, he is telling the truth.

In short, you can’t get it in if you can’t get it up. Once it’s up it doesn’t matter who or what it’s in. You could have sex with a warm blooded human or a blow up doll, it makes no difference.

For women, with inhibitions gone, sex may become more exciting and even more enjoyable. Alcohol has a tendency to INCREASE the levels of testosterone which may result in more interest in sex. However, there is a decrease in the intensity of the orgasm while increasing the amount of time that the orgasm will continue.

There are other concerns for both men and women. The lack of concern for birth control may result in a pregnancy with a person who is essentially a stranger. With common sense gone, intercourse without condoms may result in sexually transmitted diseases. If the two people are strangers, there is always the old “OMG! I hooked up with an axe murderer!” possibility.

Don’t misunderstand. I’m all for sex. I’m especially in favor of sex with a partner who knows my name and remembers who I am during the act. There are times when I simply want sex and then there are times when I want love-making. It doesn’t matter what the situation is, I always want my partner to have his frontal lobe in full working order before we get to the bedroom.

Two ways out...

Alcoholism is disease that not only destroys the individual but also destroys anyone within peripheral range of the alcoholic. Family and friends desperately try to help the alcoholic understand that life would be so much better if he/she would simply stop drinking.

There are really only two ways out of alcoholism – death or sobriety. Many alcoholics would prefer to drink themselves to death rather than live a sober lifestyle. It is part of the insanity of the disease. The alcoholic toxins that find a home in the frontal lobe of the brain make it nearly impossible for them to make rational or logical decisions.

The only chance for an alcoholic’s survival begins with detoxification of the poisons in the brain and body. Testing to determine the extent of the damage to both brain and body can only be determined when the as much of the toxins as possible have been removed from the alcoholic’s body. Once the alcoholic’s ability to think rationally has returned treatment in a rehab facility becomes more acceptable.

Successful recovery from alcoholism is more likely when the alcoholic attends a long-term residential treatment center. This should include weeks of both group and individual therapy and an introduction to various recovery programs such as, AA or recovery coaching

An important aspect of alcoholism treatment is getting help for the family and friends. It doesn’t matter how good the treatment facility is for the alcoholic, if he/she returns to the same toxic environment, the chance for relapse increases greatly. Rehab centers often offer a program for the family while the alcoholic is a patient. There are also family support groups, such as Al-Anon, that meet regularly. There are also on-line support group, such as OARS Family and Friends Group on FaceBook which allows the opportunity to connect with someone in similar situations on a 24/7 basis.

I offer one-on-one coaching for families & loved ones of alcoholics via video chat or telephone. The charge for a one-hour session is $30 with flexibility as to the one-hour time limit. I am not a licensed therapist, doctor, lawyer or anything else. I offer support, encouragement, suggestions and the opportunity to vent without judgement or criticism.

Let me be clear

I was trying to explain that leaving an alcoholic husband or partner doesn’t mean you don’t love the person you’re leaving. It’s possible and sometimes more practical to love someone from a distance. There comes a time when the non-alcoholic must consider their own survival and express unconditional love for oneself.

There are many practical reasons why non-alcoholic’s stay with the alcoholic. There may be economic considerations or simply the fact that the alcoholic has reached a point of no return on being able to take care of his or her own needs. Maybe the vows you took in becoming a wedded couple are the tie that binds you. Maybe you’re hoping there will be a change.

It doesn’t matter why you stay. It doesn’t matter what your reasons are for going. What matters is that you put yourself as top priority in your life.

I have loved a man unconditionally and have promised to never abandon him. But there comes a point in time when that knowledge may lead the loved one to taking unconditional love for granted. Limits may get pushed. Arguments may take place and hurtful words exchanged. And that’s WITHOUT the influence of alcohol.

When alcohol is involved everything is multiplied by at least three. The hurts are deeper; the indiscretions are less discreet; the consequences are more consequential. The one loving unconditionally must ask the hard question about how much unconditional love can be tolerated before reaching the breaking point. At what point is there nothing left to give?

This is the question that only the unconditional lover can answer. Everyone’s breaking point is different and everyone handles different situations in their own unique way.

For me – I get tired of doing all the forgiving and receiving no forgiveness in return. I have a high tolerance level. But don’t take that to mean that I won’t walk away. Sometimes I don’t walk – I run.

Intervention -- When, How, and How Much?

Thank you to Sandy Jones founder of Synergy Breakthroughs for today's guest blog post. Sandy created Synergy Breakthroughs in 2010 to"assist individual, groups and organizations in developing the kind of creativity and resilience that would optimize the experience of navigating through change." http://synergybreakthroughs.com/background/

By Sandy Jones

As the loved ones of someone who is an alcoholic (or drug user, or polydrug user), our situations may vary widely; but one thing we all share is the heartache of seeing someone decline – sometimes over a very long period of time – due to the effects of a substance. Sometimes, that trajectory is reversed; other times, it isn’t.

In 2009, I was stunned when my nephew, Ray, died of alcoholism. How could we (the family) have let this happen? Of course, not knowing anything, I was posing a question that flew in the face of what was supposed to be common knowledge – that this was not something that we let happen, it was something that they let happen. As for what we were supposed to do, we were supposed to “Wait ‘til they ask for help” or “Wait ‘til they hit rock bottom.”

In any case, my nephew’s death set me on a quest for answers, and along the way, I discovered that common knowledge was wrong – we were not supposed to “Wait ‘til they ask for help” or “Wait ‘til they hit rock bottom.” And even more jarring was that the experts were saying this way before Ray died. Years before Ray died, in an earlier version of the book, Love First, former presidential candidate and Senator George McGovern recounted in the book’s Forward that they listened to well-meaning friends who said to wait ‘til his daughter hit rock bottom; but the problem was that when they did this, she died. And I also learned that in a survey that Hazelden conducted, where they asked alcoholics what had set them on a course to recovery, 77% said that a friend or relative had intervened.

But back to the question of when, how, and how much we should intervene. There are actually observational signposts, clinical evaluations, and even what I call the one-question litmus test (which actually has a pretty high rate of accuracy) that can help us to answer the “when” – when to know when it’s time for our loved one to get help. (Professionals sometimes use these types of evaluations, and in the end, we would of course want to consult a professional.)

As for the “how,” things have come a long way since the traditional treatment that we all know about – the living room intervention with the loved ones, and then it’s off to the residential treatment center. Don’t get me wrong – this is still a very common treatment, and it still saves lives. But I learned that there are so many other things out there. You can look at what’s out there, you can look at where your alcoholic is; and you can try to make the best match. In some cases, you can even involve your alcoholic. And the way you communicate is very important. Years of research have been put into this, and one of the best books I’ve seen, which has an approach with a very good success rate of getting your loved one into treatment, is the book, Get Your Loved One Sober, by Robert J. Meyers.

As for “how much,” that’s a tough one. In my book, I talk about enabling, not enabling, and abandoning, but that’s in relation to codependency and does not really address “how much.” When I think about it, it’s such a universal life question: When do we keep trying? When do we give up? When is it better to keep trying or to give up? In life, as in addiction, we can’t read the future, so we can’t know until later. But I love what Dr. Meyers says – he basically says that if you do your best and things don’t turn out the way you expected, you can rest in the awareness that you did the best you could. And it’s good to keep in mind that you did what was within the scope of your knowledge or understanding at the time to do.  {What else can we do?)

And speaking of knowledge, knowledge is definitely power, but many of us don’t have the time – we’re too busy just trying to survive! And addiction is a tough nut to crack – now, more than ever, given the added challenges of prescription drug abuse, designer drugs, and polydrug use! But together, we can accomplish so much more than we can, alone. This is why we need to start forming solution-oriented groups, where we would not just learn together, but also exchange our ideas and experiences with each other, support each other, and each create a strategy – an action plan that will support us in doing the best we can to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. As the saying goes, “We may not have it all together; but together, we have it all!”

Sandy Jones is the author of Intervene: An Emergency Guide to Heavy Drinking, Alcoholism, and Drug Addiction. Her book can be purchased on Amazon at (short link to Amazon): http://www.tinyurl.com/InterveneBook or by entering “Intervene an emergency guide” at Amazon.com. She is offering a complimentary ebook of Intervene to the first five readers who agree to write an honest review of the book on Amazon within 4 weeks of receiving it. (To participate, submit your email to SynergyBreakthroughs@gmail.com or support@synergybreakthroughs.com.