Dear President Trump

Have I been living under a rock? Well, no actually taking care of an alcoholic at end-stage can dull your sense of awareness concerning current or past events. You know there’s news worthy events happening, but sometimes focusing or remembering what’s happening in the real world is difficult.

I remember hearing about it. I can vaguely recall the events that followed. I’m talking about the alcohol-related death of President Trump’s brother, Freddy. Should I call him Freddy? That seems so familiar for our leader’s brother. Fred (that’s better) Trump Jr. died in 1981 at the very young age of 43.

Fred’s personality was a bit opposite of his younger brother, Donald who was serious and focused on achieving his ascending goal of success in the business world. Fred was a light-hearted and fun-loving airline pilot with a bigger-than-life personality.

For President Trump, observing his brother’s descent into the chaotic world of alcoholism was a learning experience. He learned that he didn’t desire the experience of life as an alcoholic.

There were five siblings in the Trump family, Robert, Elizabeth, Fred Jr., Donald and Maryanne. It was a privileged, powerful family and I wonder how, behind closed doors, they dealt with the brother who may have been a kind of “black sheep” of the family. Was it difficult for them to attend public functions as a family with the uncertainty of Fred’s alcoholic actions always threatening to crash the party? Did they gather together outside hearing distance to plan and plot a means to control their brother’s drinking?

On the outside, this family appears strong and powerful. But, alcoholism can weaken the fabric of the strongest unit and will often prove more powerful than any group of mere mortals. Were they their own support platform or did they seek help outside the family?

In my opinion, what happens within the folds of the Trump family is none of the public’s business even if one of the family members is the most powerful person in the free world. Just because President Trump is our president doesn’t mean he is obligated to tell us of the tears he shed over being powerless to help his big brother climb out of the bottle. Still… wouldn’t we all want to know? Its human nature to want to see the difficult hurdles placed on the route to success.

I suspect that the Trump family is just like any other family who with a loved one in the clutches of alcoholism. Just like the rest of us, I’m sure they cried a river of tears, begged, pleaded and manipulated every chance they got to try to get the alcoholic in detox, rehab or any program that would help him heal. They have probably shared our frustrations and experienced the same feelings of guilt.

Alcoholism doesn’t care how much money you have, your ability to pilot yourself around the world, or if you can drop a nuclear missile on another country. Alcoholism raises its middle finger and tells you to go take a giant leap off the tallest building in your portfolio. The pain is the same.

President Trump may lead the world but just like everyone one of us who follow this blog, he probably feels the same longing for a different outcome for his alcoholic loved one.

I don’t care if you are PRO or ANTI Trump. I don’t care if you are conservative or liberal, Republican or Democrat. When you are a member of a family ravaged by alcoholism, you are a part of the same demographic as all the other families in that situation. Everything else is completely separate and possibly secondary.

Dear President Trump, please know that I understand where you’ve been because my Dollar Store Flip Flops have walked in the same path as your Allen Edmonds Oxfords.

COACHING: 

The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife offers coaching for collaterally damaged loved ones of an alcoholic. Please e-mail LindasFrontPorch@outlook.com for more details.

But... I love him...

I hear a lot about love while coaching spouses of alcoholics. There is always a lot of talk back and forth about the dis-deeds and wrong-doings of the alcoholic. The spouse knows its alcoholic behavior but discounts the actions as through the alcoholic had control or the ability to make logical decisions.

For the my writing convenience, I’m going to use the pronoun as male (him, his, etc.) so that I don’t have repeat the same words for the female partner. So I will refer to the spouse as the groom, husband, father but I mean for it to hold true for bride, wife, mother.

The alcoholic is damaged. The brain is damaged. Once the alcohol saturates the frontal lobe, all rhyme or reason goes out the window. Alcoholics are not rational people and are incapable of using a normal logical thought process to make decisions. They are changed from the toxins.  They are like the Mr. Hyde to the Dr. Jekyll, so to speak.

A lot of times, when I ask why they stay in the marriage or in the home, the response is “I love him.”

Who? Who is it that you love? Where is that person? Surely it’s not the one living in your home and claims to be mate. That person... the one you exchanged vows with… no longer exists. The person you said you will stay married to in good times and bad, is not the one you claim to “love” in the present moment. The person receiving your reassuring words of forever fidelity, has left the building and doesn’t remember what any of those vows were all about.

The person you married before the alcoholic behavior moved in and set up residence, meant every single loving word he said. He wanted to be a good husband and father. But, when the alcohol took over the persona, he stopped caring about anything having remotely to do with a marriage or partnership. It’s not the fault of that person who stood with you and promised to be with you forever. He meant well. He loved. He cared. But, the alcoholic is not “him”. The alcoholic cares about the alcohol. Alcohol is the new partner, mistress, lover.

You can’t fight this new entity in your loved one’s life. You can’t get rid of it. It will only leave when your husband has decided it is time for it to go. Even if he goes to rehab and denounces that mistress, he will never come back to you in totality. The focus will become his sobriety making the sobriety his new mistress.

If you decide to stay in your marriage, you must understand what you are going to encounter. You must understand that whatever method you used to “help” your husband before alcohol, will not work now that alcohol is in control. No ultimatum, no threat, no action, is going to give the result of a cessation of the drinking. Only when the husband decides to quit, will it happen. Even then he may not have the strength to take the action to stop.

There’s nothing wrong with loving your spouse. There’s nothing wrong with staying because you love someone. But staying because you love him and expect him to be the same man you married, is not realistic. If you stay you will have to make adjustments. You will have to accept that he is not the same person. It will be hard but not impossible.

I don’t tell anyone whether they should stay or go. It’s not my decision to make. However, I make an exception when there is physical violence in the home. There is never a good reason to stay if you are being abused. It’s dangerous because you don’t know how far the alcohol will allow the abuser to go. Leave and go to a safe place. If you can and feel you have the time, prepare for your exit. But never stay during a physical confrontation. Get out. Get out right then and there. Your life is too important to take the chance of losing it.

And, if you say “But I love him” while someone is pounding your face to a pulp… remember that is not the way the man you love would treat you. Your abuser is a stranger – treat him like any other stranger who assaults you. Fight back. The minute you can, call the cops and press charges. Let him go to jail so the situation can calm down. While he is gone, make your plans to either keep him away or get out of Dodge.

You are not having him arrested to punish him. You are doing what you have to do to give yourself some time to figure out what you are going to do. Whatever you do, don't do nothing. Nothing will put you right back into the same face pounding that you escaped.

Your life is just as valuable as his. Take care of yourself by protecting yourself.

If you need help in figuring out how to get out, need a sounding board, or just a non-judgmental listener, take advantage of my Coaching Programs. E-mail LindasFrontPorch@outlook.com for more information. You're not alone. 

Alcoholics and Rehabs

Just for the Alcoholic

Recently it was pointed out to me that my blog was inappropriately named if the focus is to be on the family and NOT the alcoholic. Back in the day when Riley was still alive, I provided information about him and about the disease of alcoholism. He is gone now and the focus has shifted to only being about how the family can survive. I now realize that I have to do things a bit differently.

I’ve added a page to the blog that is just for the alcoholic reader. I will NOT post on this page personally because I am NOT an alcoholic and I believe they don’t need to hear from me. I would like to have stories from alcoholics. They can write about almost any relevant topic they want. The submissions will be reviewed prior to posting. To provide a posting, please e-mail me at ImmortalAlcoholic@gmail.com with guest in the subject line.

Rehab Corner

For the rehab centers, there will be a new page, “Rehab Corner”. This page will be sponsored (paid) submissions from rehab centers. They can submit postings explaining what they offer and note what makes their facility stand out among all the rest. Contact information will be included. Financial information concerning insurance and other means of payment will also be included. Package plans are available which will include a presence at any of the upcoming events.

Rehab centers that offer a substantial family program focusing on the recovery of the family rather than how the family can help the alcoholic, will be invited to post on the main page free of charge. I will review the center’s posting for the content and program details as it relates to the family. A presence of handouts and participation at events will be available.

For more information for rehab postings please e-mail ImmortalAlcoholic@gmail.com with posting in the subject line.

Life is a circus

Way back when Riley was diligently attending AA meetings, I would sometimes go with him. That’s where I heard the phrase “Not my circus.” Then I heard it again in an Al-Anon meeting. I liked it. I liked the phrase meaning that I did not have ownership of what the alcoholic was doing.

Alcoholics are the ring masters of their own chaotic circus (life). They own the monkeys that seem to swoop around under the big top without any rhyme or reason. The clowns that get in your face and juggle bowling pins are all under the control of the alcoholic ring master.

As a non-alcoholic, you can do one of two things… buy a ticket and watch the show or walk away without ever entering the tent. The one thing you can’t do is to stop or change the program. You can sit helplessly while the clowns torment you with their antics and the monkeys pick at your hair… or you can go down the road and see a movie in the darkness of a local theater where  the noise comes from the story line on the silver screen.

What the alcoholic does is not your circus; not your monkeys; not your clowns. Everyone in this world has a circus (life) that belongs only to that individual. You own only the chaos you create. You can only control the monkeys that are running around in your head. With that being the case, you can only change the things under your own big top. You, and only you, are the ring master.

What kind of circus do you want under your big top? Do you want one that encompasses philharmonic instruments playing classical music; acrobats flying through the air; children singing rock tunes; recliners with reading lamps and shelves full of books; or, maybe various kitchen set ups with an endless supply of ingredients for your chef skills?

What I’m saying is that your world is yours and ONLY you get to decide how you want to live it. If your energy is spent trying to be the ring master’s assistant in the Alcoholism Circus, you won’t have enough left over to create or manage your own circus (life).

I have bought the tickets and attended many of Riley’s various circus events. It never went well. I always wanted my money back but the ticket wasn’t paid for with dollars and cents. It’s an emotional price and there are no refunds.

My emotional money is best spent at the spa getting a mani/pedi. Let the alcoholic hold all the circus events he/she wants – I have better things to do with my time.

Illusion of time

We don’t think about the end. I mean we don’t think about OUR end. We constantly think about the end for the alcoholic, but we put ourselves into a different category. We live with the illusion of our lives going on infinitely.

Trust me on this. We ALL have an expiration date.

I recently had a surgical experience that did not go as planned. In fact, I didn’t have the surgery because the anesthesia wasn’t administered properly. I could have died. Had my inability to breathe not been noticed, I would not have made it through the surgical procedure and would not be here to write this post today. It was terrifying. I’m left with feelings that vacillate from apathy to anxiousness. But the one lesson learned was that time is fleeting.

I’ve been known to procrastinate. If there is an unpleasant task or conversation that must be had, I will find excuse after excuse to push it aside and do only what I prefer to do. Someone once said to me that the “dread” of doing the task is worse than actually doing what needs to be done. Just do it and get it over with. After that you can do the things you WANT to do.

It’s the same way for things you want to do. We put off taking the vacation or going to the concert. We put it off because we have responsibilities that must be attended to and there is no one to do them for us when there’s an alcoholic in the house. The caregiving an alcoholic, especially at end-stage, is an all-encompassing, unforgiving task with little reward at the end.

I completely understand the necessity of having to baby-sit the alcoholic in order to protect yourself. It’s not just about the alcoholic’s well-being. There’s your home, kids, family, bank account… all things that make your life bearable requires you to put your own life aside and wait. While you are waiting, the days, hours, minutes tick by. Each movement of the clocks hands depletes the amount of time among the living.

I have this thing about ice cream. I don’t want to serve myself a whole bowl, so I simply get a spoonful at a time from the carton. In my irrational brain, I believe I’m making the ice cream last longer and that it isn’t going to my waistline as quickly. So, one spoonful at a time, the ice cream will still get eaten. One day I will go to the freezer to re-load my spoon and when I pull out the ice cream carton, I will see that there is only ONE spoonful left. I’ll be amazed… “Where did that ice cream go? There was sooo much of it!” And then the ice cream is gone.

The only difference between the ice cream and our life clock is that there is no store that can sell us more time on our clock while there are plenty of places to buy more cartons of ice cream. It would be a great business venture if a person could figure out how to give us more time when our supply is running low. I’d invest in that opportunity.

One of the things that steals from our life clock is stress. It’s a single term that means many things. Stress… it’s like a big umbrella over many aspects of our lives that are creating stress. Having an alcoholic in your home or even in your life takes up a lot of room under that umbrella.

What should you do? I wish I had an easy answer for that question. There are things that I discovered during my time with Riley that could make the time easier. But they are individual to the setting I had with him and may not work for everyone. What I have found that might work for many people is to go ahead and plan for that vacation or that night out. Treat the situation as you would for time away from a child. Get a sitter. Prepare for your time away. Make it known that you are going. And most importantly, GO.

My life is more important to me since being faced with my own mortality. I’m not totally clear on what I’m doing, but whatever it is, I will do it with as little procrastination as I can muster.

I offer coaching sessions that can include a discussion of how your time is spent caring for the alcoholic. Together we can come up with a plan for you to get more out of your life. E-mail me (LindasFrontPorch@Outlook.com) and let’s set up a time to chat. Don’t let time pass you by. Live your life now because you have no idea how much of it you have left.

Let them fall...

From the day we are born we are taught to be a “good”, “kind”, “loving” person. We are advised to care for those who are unable to care for themselves. It’s all part of being a moral person. In the insanity of the world of alcoholism being that “moral person” isn’t always the best way to get through the chaos.

Would you allow a teenager to take your car out for a ride without permission? When that teenager is caught, would you not issue consequences for the misbehavior? As we go through life, there are consequences to every action – some bad and some good. Nonetheless, they are a part of life and they are there as a reminder of things to do or NOT to do.

If you, as a person who loves an alcoholic, removes the alcoholic’s consequences for drinking, they will have no reason to stop drinking. However, if the consequences are faced, it might give the alcoholic something to remember as to why drinking was not a good idea.

Let’s get real for a minute. If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile you will know that whether or not the alcoholic drinks is really not something I concern myself with very much. What DOES concern me is how the non-alcoholic manages to get through all the crap that the alcoholic creates.

Letting the alcoholic reap the consequences of his actions is really not about making the alcoholic think once or twice before drinking. It’s about YOU not fretting over the fact that the alcoholic must pay his piper.

If you’ve been involved with an alcoholic for more than a day or two you will experience the unpleasant circumstance of watching the alcoholic do the same things over and over and dealing with the same unfortunate results. They don’t seem to learn. They CAN’T learn because they have damaged brains from all the toxins that reside in their noggin.

Riley would go out and walk around the neighborhood when he was 56 sheets to the wind. He would get picked up by the cops and end up in the drunk tank. Of course, I was ALWAYS called and asked to come to the station house and pick him up. My answer was always NO! It happened so often that I knew the schedule of who was on the duty desk on each night. Still, my answer was NO. It didn’t change Riley’s routine of walking around the neighborhood. It didn’t stop him from drinking.

What I gained from saying NO was the ability to stay in my nice warm bed and get a comfortable night’s sleep knowing he was safely ensconced in a jail cell until morning. When the morning came… the answer was still NO. I was happy with my coffee and getting ready for my day. Riley’s presence, or lack of it, didn’t have anything to do with me getting on with what I needed to do.

Riley did not change. The alcoholic doesn’t change because you did or didn’t come to the rescue. When/if they change it will because they are ready to make a change. You can’t force the issue. Oh, yes, you might be able to manipulate the alcoholic into rehab but if he/she is not truly ready, it will be a waste of money.

Save yourself. Let the alcoholic fall and don’t try to pick up the pieces. There are things you can do to try to prevent the fall from crashing into your glass wall. Much like baby-proofing your house when there is a toddler living there. You can keep your money separate and out of the alcoholic’s access. You can keep your car keys in a place where the alcoholic will not easily get them. That’s just a sample of the things you can do to keep from dealing with the consequences of the alcoholic’s behavior.

The monkeys that belong in the alcoholic’s circus can run amok in your life if you let them. When those monkey’s climb to the top of the flagpole – I doubt that they are going to fall. But, if they do… let them.

If you are struggling with ideas of how to keep yourself safe from the alcoholic’s consequences… e-mail  me and let me lend you my ear when you are going through the tough times. You’re not alone. Drop me an e-mail at LindasFrontPorch@outlook.com and let’s set up a time to talk that is convenient for you.

Survive by decision

Surviving while being in the hot coals of an alcoholic relationship requires a lot of jumping around while trying to keep your feet from feeling the heat for more than a few seconds. It’s tiring and painful. But no matter what you do you MUST survive.

The act of surviving doesn’t stop when the alcoholic exits the picture. You haven’t reached your goal until you can say that you have a life of your own and that it is a life that you enjoy. When someone asks you if you are happy and you hesitate before answering, you have probably not finished your survival journey at that moment.

What defines accomplishing your goal? When you can wake up in the morning and not listen for sounds that indicate potential chaos. When you can feel safe in your own space. When you look forward to holidays and events. When you can laugh and cry without feeling guilt. When you don’t hesitate in answering the happiness question with a resounding—YES! That’s when you know that you survived despite the roadblocks thrown up by the alcoholic and other people.

How? Is that what you are asking yourself? The first thing is to set yourself a goal to be happy. It’s a long-term goal and won’t be attainable in an instant. But it is the first step.

The next step is to DECIDE to be happy. Setting a goal and making a decision are not the same thing. Deciding to be happy doesn’t mean you will be happy every minute of every day. But you can decide to be happy about certain things in each day. You may be happy that there is coffee or that it didn’t rain today. When you find something that makes you happy, say out loud – “This coffee is so good that it makes me happy.” “I’m very happy that it didn’t rain today.” Declare your happiness. Eventually you’ll find that you’re happy more than you are NOT happy.

That will give you a start but there is much more to learn and accomplish. See if this makes sense to you:

You are in a war. Your opponent/enemy is chaos and turmoil created by alcoholism. How would you go about defeating your enemy? In knowledge there is power. Learn everything you can about alcoholism so you will be armed with the knowledge of intimately knowing the foe.

You can amass a wealth of knowledge from reading my books “Workbook for Caretakers of End-Stage Alcoholics” and “Surviving the Chaos.” (Books are available on Amazon.com) Read AA’s the Big Book so you know what AA is teaching the alcoholic. Do your research. I have found that Wikipedia has a lot of good non-biased information.

Talk it out – avoid using your friends to guide you instead seek the support of a counselor or coach. Make sure that the person you are talking to is focused on you and not on how you can help the alcoholic. I offer coaching sessions, a listening ear, and a bunch of hand-holding without criticisms or judgement.

My coaching sessions are different from a regular counseling appointment. I charge $30 per session. They are an hour long but the hour is open-ended. I will not end the appointment until YOU are comfortable with the end. If an issue / emergency arises before your next session you will have the opportunity to call me without paying an additional fee. In short that $30 payment secures you a lifeline between sessions. Another advantage is that I will do my best to make myself available during a time frame that fits your needs. 

Can't afford the $30? Talk to me and we will come to a price agreement.

To schedule an appointment, send me an e-mail to LindasFrontPorch@outlook.com or LDoyne@live.com. Please put COACHING in the subject line so it doesn’t get lost.

It’s a brand new fresh year with lots of possibilities and opportunities. Make this the year where you stop just “getting through” and start enjoying the life you can have.

Brand new calendar...

Here we go again! It’s the start of another year. I have a fresh new calendar. It’s the old-fashioned kind made of real paper that you can write on with a real ink pen. Right now it’s all nice, neat and clean. But that will all change within just a few weeks. I will write in appointments and reminders of birthdays and other celebrations. Then I will cross out the ones that need to be moved or changed. I’m not smart enough to use a pencil so the calendar will, in fact, end up a mess of scribbles, doodles and notations.

I’ve started transferring information into the new calendar about my transition to sanity. The info is scattered, disjointed, without organization. Putting it into the calendar may make it clear as to the succession of events that must take place. I have the kind of personality that want to do everything at once. Just take an item, do it, check it off, and done. Unfortunately, there are time constraints between the items, so my method doesn’t work very well.

By now, I should be basking on the beach; turning into a cooked lobster red while enjoying the soft hot rays of the sun beating down on my barely clothed body. There should be an umbrella drink in my hand and cold snacks within my reach. I should be hosting dinner parties and going to social functions with people that I do not know. But, that’s not how things are going down.

Instead I’m still in the cold, wet, countryside and miles away from any beach at all. I’m looking for jobs; having surgeries; saving money; and mostly staying to myself. No parties. No hosting dinners. No sipping umbrella drinks. I like to think of it as the preparation before the event. This prep time is taking longer than I had thought it would

Everyone in my circle thought it would be so easy to move on with my life after Riley died. Even I am surprised that “moving on” has been so difficult. Part of it is the lack of money… although I now have a Transition Fund that is growing. Another part is leaving my great-grandkids over the holiday season. It was too difficult for me not to have Christmas with them. Deciding to go back to work took a lot of thought and calculating only to find that the job market in Tampa for Real Estate Title Examiners is barren at the present time. I keep chipping away at the issues and it’s going slow. It doesn’t match with my trait to take care of the issue and move on to the next.

I thought transitioning into my own life would be much simpler. I didn’t think about the logistics or how much time each chore would take. I just felt that I had paid my dues with taking care of Riley and I should just get on with things. I see now that it’s far more complicated that I imagined.

I want to make plans for my goals for 2019 but right now my goals seem to be to get thought each month and do as much as I can each day to get me out of the countryside and onto the beach in Florida. My primary goal as things stand today is to do all the things on my to do list so I can end up in the Sunshine State. So let’s just say my goal for 2019 is to get moved. Period. That’s all folks.

However, I will be doing some things to change things up a bit in Riley World. These will be things I can continue to do no matter where I am. I think you will like what I have planned. Things to look for this year:

1.       I have a goal to hold at least SIX presentations. Ideally, I’d like to do one a month, but I’ll settle for six right now.

2.       Publishing of the sequel to Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife. Look for the announcement that the book is available around the first of March.

3.       The cookbook I started several years ago will be completed and published before the end of the summer – 2019.

4.       I will be putting more “smallish” books together and getting them on the market quicker than the full book that I usually write.

5.       By the end of the summer, I want to get out on the road for my book tour. FINALLY.

6.       Look for a new blog emerge from all the chaos. It will contain a variety of posts on a variety of topics. It will be about things learned from living life; housekeeping tips; beauty tips; and comments about different points of view. It will not be so serious as Immortal Alcoholic, but will still contain helpful suggestions for moving on in life. Watch out for Suzy Q… it will be her blog.

So my plate is full. On the calendar this week is my appointment with the orthopedic surgeon to set a date for my shoulder surgery. I’ll also be continuing my job search. Best of all, I’ll be conferring with “Suzy Q” about her first post on her new blog.

May all of you enjoy a happy, peaceful and quiet New Year!

OH No! Don't even try...

Those of you who post comments need to know that I READ each and every one. I post every one of them even if the comment is derogatory to my blog, my platform, and me personally. I do not respond to every comment but I DO read them. So here’s the deal… before I post the comment it is read and “moderated”. Which simply means I have the power to refuse to post comments that do not fit my criteria.

My criteria are simple. I only post comments that are directly related to the subject matter in my blog. I DO NOT post comments with contact information for individuals, companies, rehab centers, or ANYONE else. I DO NOT post comments that contain LINKS to other websites unless it relates to the subject matter in a post. But… that’s rare.

If you have a comment that is really a link to an escort service, miracle doctor, or your Great Aunt Molly’s whatever…. That comment will NEVER make it to the home page of my blog. It will be marked as spam and then deleted from my in box.

When a person or company contacts me and wants to collaborate on promoting something – no matter what it is – I do a lot of research. I make sure that the content will be relevant to the majority of my readers. I won’t waste your time, or mine, reading something that will encourage you to spend money needlessly, join a cult, pimp out your grandmother, or any other such ridiculous thing.

While it may appear that posting on my blog is a form of advertising, I will only “advertise” as a means of providing information. It’s a way of saying… “Hey… you might want to check this out.” I’m not telling you to go to a certain rehab center or purchase a certain product. I’m telling you it’s there, available, and I’ve researched it to be something viable to my readers.

I’ve been getting a lot of comments lately that link directly to an escort service. I have to say to them… nice try but take your business elsewhere. But, while we are on the subject, let’s talk about escort services and their “services”.

I understand that being involved with an alcoholic can be lonely. Sex is almost unimaginable, and the emotional closeness can be non-existent. But hiring out (or in) can result in an increase of the lonely emptiness that you’re trying to resolve. Physical gratification is pleasant but that’s all it is and having another human in the mix can get complicated – and expensive.

My suggestion is to take advantage of the electronic age and find yourself a device that will satisfy your needs. Find human contact and closeness in the people that you already care about and care about you. If you need a hug – ask for it from someone who knows you personally.

If you find yourself in a situation of becoming involved with another person, don’t shy away from it. Explore it. Think about it. Be careful. But don’t deny yourself happiness. This is NOT what you will get from a pay-for-sex arrangement.

Staying in a marriage/partnership with an alcoholic may be what’s best for you financially or for other reasons. Don’t forget that you are a real person with real feelings who deserves someone who can make you feel loved, desirable, and cared for. So go for it – if it doesn’t complicate your life more than you can manage. Just DON’T pay for any of it with cash – pay for it with giving your heart.

Are you playing the Hero? Part Three

Kelsey Brown of Nova Recovery Center contacted me about doing a post on the roles family members often play in an alcoholic family. While there are a few things in this write-up that do not match my point of view, I like what Kelsey has written. Since it's a long write up, this post will be shown in a series of three separate posts. I won't confuse the issue by writing in between the posts. However, when the last one is published, I will write a post giving my feelings / differences with Kelsey's post.

PART THREE

Guest Post by

Kelsey Brown
Nova Recovery Center 

5 Steps to Break the Dysfunctional Family Roles

If addiction is ravaging your family and you, your child, or your sibling is playing the hero, there are a few actionable steps you can take to break the dysfunctional family roles and regain a healthy, balanced household despite the addict’s behavior.

1. Talk about what is going on. Ignoring the addiction and trying to pretend nothing is wrong is probably the worst thing you could do in this situation. This approach will only cause confusion and a disconnect among your family members. Conversely, talking about the addict’s behavior and the addiction, in general, can unify your family and promote healthy communication.
2. Identify the dysfunctional roles within your family and take ownership. Once some communication is established, it’s important that each member of your family identify the roles they see and actively participate in and take ownership of those attitudes, beliefs, and emotions. Admitting that you need help to modify these roles and behaviors is another big step in the right direction.
3. Make amends with one another. If you’ve lied, cheated, stolen, or harmed one another, a difficult but necessary step in the healing process is to make amends. This simply means you do your best to right any wrongs and restore justice when possible.
4. Agree to work together to help the addict get treatment. Instead of working against one another in these dysfunctional roles, use that energy to come to an agreement in which you will all work together to get the addict the help he or she needs. Whether that means planning and organizing a family intervention or researching treatment options to present to the addict, working together is much more effective than working against one another.
5. Practice new, healthier behaviors and be patient with yourself and others. It will take time and effort to establish healthy roles within the family unit. Try to take one day at a time and be patient with one another through the transition. Much of this will have to be very intentional at first, but eventually, the communication and healthy behaviors will become more natural.

Breaking dysfunctional survival roles in the midst of addiction is difficult, but family therapy is an extremely helpful tool that can help each member of the family heal from emotional wounds, address conflict, and learn how to communicate effectively in a healthy way.

References:

1. Dayton, T. (n.d.). Living With Addiction. Retrieved October 17, 2018, from http://www.nacoa.net/pdfs/The%20Set%20Up%20for%20Social%20Work%20Curriculum.pdf+
2. Howsare, L. (1970, January 1). The Impact of Substance Use Disorders on Families and Children: From Theory to Practice. Retrieved October 17, 2018, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3725219/
3. Nova Recovery Center. (2018, September 24). Benefits of Family Therapy in Addiction Treatment. Retrieved October 17, 2018, from https://novarecoverycenter.com/treatment/benefits-family-therapy-addiction-treatment/
4. Smithson, K. (2004, June 30). Caught in the Crossfire: The Chemical or Behavioral Addict. Retrieved October 17, 2018, from https://www.ok.gov/odmhsas/documents/Smithson%2C%20Kim-handout%20Caught%20In%20The%20Crossfire.pdf
5. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2004). Treatment Improvement Protocol: Substance Abuse Treatment and Family Therapy. Retrieved October 17, 2018, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK64269/%20%20/

Author Bio:

Kelsey Brown has always been an avid reader and writer. She received her Bachelor of Science degree in Journalism from Missouri State University and now lives in Austin, Texas with her husband, daughter, and labradoodle. She regularly researches and writes on topics related to the substance abuse treatment industry, including detox, rehab, sober living, and mental health issues. When she’s not writing, Kelsey prefers to spend her time outdoors, hiking, camping, and biking.