Do just one more thing

When you think you've done everything you can, do just one more thing.

Answers from Riley...

In order to film Riley, I had to use my hand-held camera so the quality is not that great. But, you will see him and hear his answers. In the interest of keeping him focused, I had to cut some of the questions down into more manageable segments. The written transcript is below.

Addy –

Do you realize that you have hurt yourself and the family by excessive drinking?

Yes. More, I think my family and those around me rather than myself.

If you could go back and change things, would you?

No.

HyperCryptical –

When did you know alcohol had become your master?

I don't think it has ever become my master.

Gerry –

Do you consider yourself mentally impaired?

Yes, but not because of the alcohol.

Did Linda’s devotion to you ever motivate you to quit drinking?

Yes, when I was in the service, early on, but not so much later.

Do you think you might ever be capable of quitting drinking completely?

No, not at this point.

Angry Alcoholics –

What kind of person do you think you would have been if you had never tasted alcohol?

Very dull.

What would you have done with your life?

Something dull, probably not spend 25 years on submarines. I would be very much like my father.

What would you be doing now?

I have no idea, but I would probably be dead now.

What were your dreams?

Mine? I think there is no burden greater than a great expectation. I didn't have any dreams for myself as I was expected to.

What advice would you give to a man who feels he is not an alcoholic, but who is drinking three quarters of a bottle of gen a day, starting every morning and sipping throughout the day?

Try to quit.

How would you wake up his family that he’s in trouble?

It is very difficult to wake up the family as quoted by you. I'm not sure that I could. The family and associates have a tendency to tip toe around the elephant in the room.

Kendra –

What makes you feel grounded?

Now -- this house and Linda.

What makes you feel at peace with yourself and your God or creator?

I seldom do.

Do you feel a sense of accomplishment about your time on this earth?

No I don't.

Mike –

Do you realize that you have a drinking problem?

My joking response to that is: Yes, that I don't get enough. I don't think that I have a problem with it.

Why did you begin to drink?

It was the thing to do.

Why do you want to continue when you realize it is killing you?

Because it was the thing to do.

Trisha E –

Was there something painful that made you turn to alcohol for relief?

No, not initially.

Were you ever able to work thru the circumstance at the heart of the alcoholism in any of your rehab, counseling or AA sessions?

No, not really.

Zowie –

Without alcohol in the picture, what gives your life the most meaning?

Little or nothing right now.

What are your greatest joys?

Waking up every morning.

Just say yes...

Riley in Detox after Heart Attack 2012

I do not like feeling that I'm "hounding" anyone about anything, so if I am pushing the limit -- please forgive me.

There was once a man (actually I’m sure there’s been more than just one) who went to the hospital emergency room and said “I’m really sick and I think I need to detox from alcohol.” The polite nurse takes his vitals and sends him back to a curtained area. The doctor comes and states that they have no beds for patients who are there for detox. He tells the man to return if he is still in pain after detox. He hands him a referral to the rehab hospital up the street who will only take fully insured patients. The man walks out the door, goes home, calls a friend and together they try to get through the night. It’s Sunday and there are no package stores open and the man has no alcohol in the house and doesn't even have enough cash for beer or cheap wine. Two days later the man is dead.

Could this be you? Could this be someone you love? Do you know and understand that the scenario is not just a fictional imagining. This takes place in hospitals all over the world. It’s a disgrace that someone who needs medical attention cannot get it because they are addicted to alcohol. It should not matter if in that moment the alcoholic wants to go to rehab or not. What matters is facing the immediate issue at that exact point in time.

So how can we get our hospitals and medical professionals to change? How do we make them understand that end-stage alcoholism is not always the end of the line with proper medical care? How can we force them to treat people even if they deem the alcoholic as a lost cause? After all, if someone attempts suicide, aren't they admitted to the hospital with every attempt made to keep them from failing at their primary objective? Why should alcoholics be treated any differently?

What we can do is draw attention to the need of medically supervised detox in the hospital environment. We can force the world to see clearly what alcoholism detox really looks like. We can make it real by bringing real people and showing real detox. Movies and movie stars are just fiction and can easily be dismissed by the statement – “Oh, it’s just a movie.” It’s easily forgotten. But real faces and real stories are difficult to erase from the memory. Our real stars are the alcoholics themselves.

If any of you have an actively drinking alcoholic and you believe a hospital stay (for any reason) is in the very near future, please contact me. We want to show what detox is REALLY like for someone who has been drinking non-stop for many years. The detox could follow a medical event while at the hospital. (We all know the best to get hospital detox is to go in for some other life endangering issue.) The idea is to get it on film and show the complications, effects and issues medically of excessive drinking.

I truly believe that how the world sees alcoholism will never be seen realistically until people like us make it real to everyone. How can we change how the hospital admits people for detox until we show how important it is to be IN the hospital during detox?

If your alcoholic is complaining of whatever, start asking if he/she would agree to helping us make others see the importance of getting medical help whether they are drinking or not. Drinking is not the issue -- the ability to have medially supervised detox is the issue. Explain to them that they can help make a big change in how others see drinking.

Of course, we all know that the hope is they will detox and decide on rehab. But that's not a requirement for this program. No intervention, no judgment, no criticism, no one trying to get them to change.

We've all heard them say NO before. So if they say no, it won't injure our ears at all. But if they say YES then they just might be saving the life of an unknown person. They just might be the start of a change in how alcoholics get the help they need just to stay alive.

If you are an alcoholic and you don't want people to say you've wasted your life on booze, then let your life stand for a courageous attempt to change the way things are done. Let your life stand for making the start of the world sit up and take notice. Be the Rosa Parks of drinking -- stay on the bus, but change up the world's seating arrangement.

Please contact me for more info and to let me know of that one person may be willing to yes. If you would like to speak to one of the producers of this hard-hitting documentary, I can make that happen.

Riley speaks!!!

At the request of one of my followers, I offered Riley the opportunity to do a video post with me. He agreed but didn't know what he would say. I asked if would just like to answer questions from the followers and he said that is what he would prefer.

Please send me questions you would like to ask Riley. When I have enough questions together (hopefully by the end of next week) I will video him while I ask him your questions and he answers. Send your questions as a comment to this post so everyone can see what questions are being asked. Hopefully that way, we will not have a lot of repetition of questions. If for some reason you cannot comment, e-mail them to me at LDoyne@live.com.

For those of you who prefer the written blog to the video, I will do my best to transcribe his answers and post them as a written post as well.

How's Riley doing?

First ever video post... unedited... straight off my video cam...

Would you like more video posts? Or was one quite enough?

Special...

I've completed my first week of Skype coaching sessions and I believe it has been a great success. It doesn't really feel like coaching, most people just want to have someone listen and understand. That's what I do.

Everyone knows that holidays are very stressful when there is an alcoholic involved. Or maybe your alcoholic is no longer in the picture but you are missing that person more on a holiday. I am here and I'll be available the entire weekend -- Friday thru Monday to Skype with you or chat on the phone.

I'll continue my special rate of $10 per 30 minutes for the entire holiday period. Just e-mail me at FrontPorchConnection@mail.com and let me know what time works best for you. Join me on my porch... have a glass of lemonade and we'll see if we can make some sense out of the chaos.

Linda

The end questions...

How long until?   How will I know?   What can I do?

More than any other questions – these are the ones that seem to plague my readers more than any others. What are the answers? There is no cut and dry equation that leads to exact answers to specific questions. There is no secret algebraic formula in the journey through alcoholism. There is no map with pushpin indicators as to the road stopping anywhere. Alcoholism is a crap shoot as to specifics. It’s a spin of the roulette wheel because no one is certain when it will stop.

There are charts that can give us an idea for a specific moment in time. But, that is the key “specific moment in time.” When Riley was at the “end”, I kept extensive records on either his decline or progress, whichever the case may be at that time. I created and used faithfully, The Workbook for Caretakers of End-Stage Alcoholics. I used every bit of information I could get to keep the book updated. I calculated his MELD and Child-Pugh Scores every time I got the results of his blood tests. I dutifully gave all my information to the medical doctors who were trying to keep him alive. And yet, he ended up in hospice after a major heart attack and stroke. Hospice was short lived because – as we all know – Riley is the Immortal Alcoholic.

How long? The difference that was made by keeping records and doing the charts was that I was prepared. The MELD and Child-Pugh Scores told me an approximation of how long he might live if nothing changed. That is if he drank the same amount consistently and made no improvements to his situation. For the most part the scores were right on point. If you want to know how long, my answer is to learn to use the MELD and Child-Pugh Scores. That can usually tell you if the time limits are in the years or the months.

If you ask a medical person the answer you will receive will probably sound like a sermon from the pulpit – especially here in the south. You will hear, “No one know how long a person will remain on this earth. Only God can say for sure.” Even though some doctors consider themselves “God”, they do not like to give even an approximation of time left. I believe it is possible for them to give a “ball park” in terms of months or days, etc., but then I’m not a doctor. I’m just a survivor who has seen the alcoholic’s immortality in action.

Some alcoholics, like Riley, seem to be blessed with more lives than a cat while others go quickly and without a lot of warning, like my son. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of middle ground as far as I have seen and heard. When a person starts drinking in excess that roulette wheel starts turning and no one really knows where it will stop.

How will I know? This isn’t so hard to answer because there are visual signs that tell us to beware. The color of the alcoholic’s skin and eyes will be more yellowish. He will sleep most of the time and the time when he is not asleep, he will have a drink in his hand. He may vomit blood or have bloody diarrhea. He will have tremors which increase as his drinking lessens. He may hallucinate or have night terrors. Paranoia may become his friend as his in-the-flesh friends fade away along with any hope for employment. There are more details and explanations in page on Stages of an Alcoholic Life.

What can you do? What you can do is dependent on what you want the outcome to be. Some caretakers want to hold on to the alcoholic’s life with both hands and feet. They want to keep them alive so they can pray for a different ending – an ending that includes a continuing life of sobriety, family and true love. Those endings do happen – not as much as we would all like them to happen, but they are possible. There are lots of side-effects to trying to obtain the utopian ending including the deterioration of the health of the caretaker. So the alcoholic may survive while the caretaker may not. If the caretaker can remember to take heed of their own well-being while nursing the alcoholic into sobriety – there is an opportunity for them both to share a long and blissful sober life.

The reality is that most alcoholics and their caretakers never get to the point where they can share much of anything except an argument. But, if you have chosen (somewhere in the far distant past) to stand firm by your alcoholic’s side, it is the caretaker who must decide how long they want to keep the circus open. While the caretaker can go the route of attempting to get medical care for a chance at survival, they can also attempt to get medical care for a chance at hospice. I believe most caretakers have a unique instinct about when the route goes from one point to the other.

In either case, what the caretaker can do is almost nothing once all the medical / detox / rehab options have been exhausted. Again I believe the caretaker will have a little voice in their head telling them when to step back. At that point the focus should shift to getting affairs of the alcoholic in order.  Get a General Power of Attorney and a Medical Power of Attorney; Living Will and Advance Directive; a Last Will and Testament; and possibly a DNR. Keep all these documents together in a safe place. I keep Riley’s in the back pocket of the workbook.

I remember asking my son’s doctor – what I can do to help. His answer was not satisfactory to me. He said “NOTHING” – there was nothing I could or should do. All I could do was wait. For a mother, I felt there must be something I could do – some little something that would keep him with me for even a day longer. There was nothing I could do because he was gone within 24 hours of asking the doctor how I could help. I didn’t make that decision because I would have done anything I could to keep him alive. His roulette wheel didn’t land in a positive place for me.

I take care of Riley just as I would any other elderly sick person who cannot take care of himself. He does not drink because there is no booze available to him. He has made it clear that he would be drunk if he had the opportunity. I made a choice the last time I called 911. I choose to give him a chance to survive. At this very moment (because it could change in a heart-beat), I do not regret that I made that call. I can live with myself. Today, and today only, I do not know how long Riley will last and I don’t know how to determine how close he is to the end. That is only because there is no alcohol involved.

At the end of all this the answers to the questions are all – it depends, I’m not sure; I don’t know. All I can suggest is use relatively rational logic and the tools, i.e., the MELD and Child-Pugh Scores, the workbook (either mine or make up your own); and you’ll be better prepared no matter what the answer.

Come talk to me...

Front Porch Visit

Now making apppointments!

As of May 17^th, I will be talking on the phone or Skyping with anyone who feels they would benefit from personal interaction.

I cannot tell you how to live your life, but I can help you to see alternatives, solutions, and decide what is right for you. I can offer you my opinion, but I will not insist that you do what I have done or what I suggest. I’m here to listen, answer questions and offer suggestions.

For a limited time only…

I’m offering 30-minute sessions for $10 from May 17^th through May 21^st only.

After that the rate will be $30 for each 45-minute session.

The following will be the method of setting an appointment:

1.     1.  E-mail me at FrontPorchConnection@mail.com. Include the following in your e-mail:

a.      Date and time desired for an appointment (please provide three options)

b.      A brief history of your situation – what is your relationship to the alcoholic, etc.

c.       The phone number on which you want me to call you or your Skype account name

d.      If you have a specific question, please send it to me

2.      2.  When I receive your e-mail I will reply with the exact date and time and an agreement of the terms and conditions.

3.      3.  After you receive the details of your appointment, use PayPal to deposit the $10 fee into my account. I will check my account to see if the money has been deposited shortly before our appointment.

4.      4.  I will call or Skype you at the appropriate time. 

How happiness feels...

I woke up feeling especially grateful this morning. I’m up before the sunrise on a normal day, but today I was up and ready to go do whatever was on my list for today. AND there are lots of items on my list!

Yesterday Riley had an appointment at the medical doctors and he has ordered a neurological exam as well as a complete heart workup. This may lead to getting some help in the way of a home health aide or, maybe even, a placement in a facility. The appointment was more than an hour long and by the time it was over, the doctor was just as confused as I usually am. It was a good way to spend that hour.

I felt relieved that Carrot has made such an amazing turn for the better. Her surgery and my not being able to be there put a giant dark cloud over my head. I have talked to her and others have gone to see her and now she may be kicking around this world even longer than her kids!

Carrot’s daughter is her caretaker and is dealing with her own crisis involving her husband’s health. But, a couple of people have stepped up and made an effort to provide some assistance. I am especially grateful for their support. I wish more family members would take the initiative to drop off a casserole or pick up a prescription or do a bit of grocery shopping. But, that’s another story for another time.

I am grateful for having a new mentor in my life that is encouraging and supporting me to go forward with projects that I had simply pushed off into the far reaches of my brain. Her experience is beyond reproach and her faith in me is almost scary. When asked to help produce the documentary on alcoholism, I knew Riley’s story would not fit the criteria, but thought this to be such a beneficial project, I was determined to participate. I didn’t know the reward would come to me in the form of renewed self-confidence and determination within my own being.

Another recent surprise is how much my health has improved in just a month. I find myself waking up in the morning with a clear brain and focus. I no longer feel rushed to get every chore done by noon because I burn out by the time the noon whistle blows. I’m able to go outside and work in the flower beds or herb garden. My diabetes is completely under control. I no longer allow myself to be pressured to fix a 4-course dinner for Riley every evening. Several times during the week he simply gets a sandwich or TV dinner. If I feel that I am in pain or tired, I have no remorse in taking a nap or resting. I’ve lost a little weight, my blood pressure is not in the danger levels and I have a sense of regaining my health.

When my eyes opened this morning I felt so thankful for having the “besties” in my life that I have. There are three women in my life who know about the skeletons in my closet and they purposely have lost the key. Even when having “issues” we are still best friends. How could I NOT be thankful for that?

I got up, poured a cup of coffee, unloaded the dishwasher, made a meat loaf for dinner, and racked my brain for a name for the one-on-one coaching sessions that I hope will start as early as next week. I let the dog out and the cat in. I tried to have a conversation with Riley. I then locked myself in my office and started writing this post.

Of course, my life is still very difficult but for the first time in a very long time, I don’t feel as though I’m just surviving each day. For the first morning in many mornings, I woke up feeling useful. I have people to help and public speaking events to plan as well as getting my book into paperback medium. I have potential documentary stories to review and evaluate.

I wish I could reach out to each of you and give you a bit of the goodness I’m feeling today. I wish I had the power to touch you on the shoulder and transfer a bit of light into your world. I don’t know for how long I will have the feeling of comfort, maybe for a day or maybe just a few hours, but however long it lasts I want to make the most of it.

I am a lucky girl because for today, right this minute, I remember how happiness feels. Today I am happy.

What happened?

As we progress through our lives we humans get comfortable. Somehow in the midst of the comfort we come to believe that this is the way things are, and this is how I can expect them to be for a very long time. The reality is that the world, and our lives, are in a continuous state of flux. François de la Rochefoucauld said: "The only thing constant in life is change". Sometimes we forget that little sentence and life surprises us in not so good ways.

This morning I made a statement to Riley who in turn made a statement that I asked him to repeat because I didn’t think I heard him correctly. As soon as he is done, I ask him to explain himself just to make sure that I understand. He cannot really explain, he just repeats his original statement. Then it hits me – oh yeah – he doesn’t understand me rather than me not understanding him.

It is my fault really. When one person places unrealistic expectations on another the person placing the expectations is at fault. I know that Riley has trouble connecting the dots. Why am I always asking questions about one thing or another and then shaking my head in confusion at his answers?

Riley is changing. The changes are subtle and I don’t even realize there’s a change until I face it head on. I am also changing. My aging brain requires clarification far more often than I would like. More than half a century has gone by since my birth during a time when the world was simpler – easier. Now we have right answers that are only right if they match up to a certain circumstance. Sometimes I get off track about all the “if this – then this or that” explanations.

At the same time, I often get irritated by the supposition that I need the same thing repeated to me over and over again. Does that really offer an explanation? If I say I don’t understand, is it helpful to repeat the statement over exactly as it was originally stated? I don’t think so.

I am old. I am not dead, nor did I lose information or intelligence I gained from my experiences over the years.  Most of my younger family members know that on certain items, I have the memory of an elephant. Sometimes I mix up names or places – but you can be sure if I say I remember – I darn well remember. I imagine that someday, it may become harder for me to recall the past as specifically as I can recall it right now. I pray that day is a long way away.

In Riley World, Riley always will tell you that he remembers the past exactly. Of course, he does not. He has been blessed with the unconscious ability to fill in the blanks with random irrelevant information without any thought. He truly believes that he did X or Y even though there is absolutely no way he could have done either one. It is as though his memory was wiped clean and is filling it up with things he would like to have in that space. When his explanations make no sense to me, he shakes his head and says that he thinks there’s something wrong with me.

Well… he is right… there is something wrong with me. I’m expecting that the Riley I had meaningful conversations with in the past has not changed. Even when I speak to him and remember there’s been a change, I almost always am surprised that he changed just last week. Sometimes it’s hard to accept change. Sometimes it’s easier to ignore it.

Life is going to change – last week, this week, today and tomorrow. We may feel comfortable where we are right now, but soon things won’t be so comfortable anymore. Most likely, when those changes take place, we will shake our heads (again) and mumble to ourselves – “What happened?”

There is the other side of the coin -- If nothing changes everything will stay the same. I think I'd rather have the change.

Trials and tribulations...

Those of you who have read my book, “The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife”, know that Riley is facing some legal issues. Because there is a pending trial, I cannot go into details. However, I can tell you a few things that I've learned in this process.

When someone is arrested for a crime the person is usually tried and sentenced. But what happens when the person arrested doesn't really understand what he did was wrong or not even remembers what he did that has caused him to be arrested?

The process of determining that someone is not competent to stand trial is a long arduous task. Medical records must be gathered. Psychiatric exams must be completed. Many court appearances must be made and information must be gathered from witnesses of the incompetency. All the while the attorney fees and costs keep mounting up.

For Riley, just the task of appearing in court was difficult. When we first started going to court – almost two years ago – he was able to walk with a cane. Now he must use the walker and even with the support, he falls often. He has fallen both going into and out of the courthouse.

In the morning before leaving for court, he must not drink any coffee or eat any breakfast. Once inside the court room and the court becomes in session, no one is allowed to leave until the judge says it’s OK. Riley cannot hold his bladder or bowels and he cannot wait for the judge to deem it is OK to use the restroom. If he doesn't eat or drink, he can usually wait until there is a break in session. That’s a long time for him to go without food, coffee, or water. He does wear disposable underwear, but if he should have an “event” the underwear is not enough to contain the situation let alone the odor. The fear of this happening is just as uncomfortable as the lack of food.

When Riley was arrested, he was released into my custody and the bond was waived. There were certain criteria that I had to agree to abide and I did agree in order to keep him from being behind bars. I am not just his caretaker but the one who is completely legally responsible for him getting to court and that changes my to warden/caretaker.

The reality is that he is in a prison of his own making even without going to trial. He does not leave the house without my assistance. He doesn't even go into the yard. His days are spent watching TV and not much else. He lives in his room and emerges for coffee in the morning and dinner in the evening. He is incapable of doing much else. Simple trips into the real world (for haircuts, etc.) must be planned a day in advance. His world is his own creation from years of damaging his body with alcohol. He is just not physically or mentally capable of managing his own life.

For me there is very little support. The kids have demanding jobs and with the economy such as it is – they would be hard pressed financially to take any time off work. The VA told me there would be respite for me, but as it turns out I must show that I can afford to pay for the nursing home if something happens and he cannot return home. If I could afford that – I’d have already placed him in a home. I get nowhere by talking to social services or Area Agency for the Aging. I’ve resigned myself to just making do the way things are.

At this point, I can still leave him alone overnight so there is some relief. But, I would not leave him alone any longer than that. I fear he will attempt to cook rather than eat the food I’ve left already prepared for him.

The situation as far as court proceeding as concerned is complicated, confusing, and leaves one scratching their head for answers. Even though independent evaluations have been done, the court often wants a determination of competency made by their own doctors. The state evaluation is far more intensive than the independent ones, so I understand why the DA would want this information. Actually it is a good evaluation because it will cover days rather than hours of observation. This information is good to have, if the court releases it to the caretaker.

Personally, this evaluation would be a wonderful break providing me with some much needed time away from Riley. I have no idea how long the break would be but anything more than 24 hours would feel like a trip to Relaxation Land.

When I look at Riley, I don’t see a man who is a danger to anyone except himself. I see a lost little boy in the skin of a grown man who is confused about why I (and the family) think he is not capable of living by himself. He can’t see his breaks in the trains of his thought. He doesn't hear how irrational his rationality really is. And when he doesn't get his way, he doesn't understand that his passive aggressive attitude is simple the temper tantrum of a spoiled child.

Although I love Riley, I fell out of married love with him many years ago. I haven’t viewed him as a real husband in more than 15 years. And now… now… he has become my child – a 12 year old, insolent, demanding boy. I am 65 years old and am exhausted at the demands of being responsible for this pre-teen yet 70 year old. I would like to be able to protect him, but I believe it is too late for that.

I’m telling you all this because I want you caretakers of end-stage alcoholics to be aware of what may be your future. I suggest you be diligent in doing whatever you can to prevent him/her from breaking any laws – especially those that may lead to a criminal trial. I would like you to understand that with each year of continual drinking, the brain is regressing and you may end up with an adult with the capacity of a teenager. I remember back when my kids were teens – if alcohol had been added to that mass of raging hormones I think I would have not survived!

Who knows how long the court situation will go on? All I can do is comply with their requests, follow my lawyer’s advice, and see what happens.

To SC and Anonymous...

Thank you for your interest in the documentary project. Please e-mail me at LDoyne@live.com and tell me a little about your story and how to contact you. You are doing a wonderful public service by putting yourself out there. Again, thank you.

Anyone else interested in this worthwhile endeavor, please e-mail me personally at the address above.

Hard, honest, truth...

This is just a reminder that there are still openings for the documentary to be aired on a major cable television network in 2016. Space is limited, but there are room for a few more stories.

At this point we are looking for people who are willing to tell their story publicly. The alcoholic must also be willing to participate since the documentary is about stages of alcoholism.

We already have several end-stage alcoholics and now we would like to focus on the younger set who may be teetering on the brink of alcoholism but may not yet be sure if they really are alcoholics. Someone with a recent DUI or arrest as a result of heavy drinking would be great. We are also needing people who may want to attain sobriety, but are struggling with maintaining the sobriety they achieve.

The goal of this film is to show the various stages of alcoholism and possibly be able to help people reach out to get help. Not all heavy drinkers are alcoholics, maybe this documentary can show the difference between the two. The people who participate will be providing a valuable public service and may make a real difference in someone else's life.

If you can find the strength to share your story, please contact me at immortalalcoholic@gmail.com or submit a brief outline of your story to docustories2014@gmail.com. For those who prefer voice -- call 212-512-1843. All information collected, messages, phone conversations will remain confidential.

Please share your experiences and join us in making the world understand the difference between heavy drinking and alcoholism while bringing to light the hardships on family and friends of alcoholics.

Thank you -- Linda

Random thoughts...

Since I’ve been back at doing more alcoholism related work, I’ve been going back over comments on this blog and on other places where I have postings. (I’ll supply the links at the end of this post.) There are a few things that stand out to me and I thought it would be good to review a few things today. These are just random subjects that may seem to be “all over the place.”

It seems so simple – just stop getting the alcohol for the alcoholic and everything will get better. That’s just not the reality. There comes a time in the process of alcoholism that not providing alcohol can be just as deadly as providing it. For end-stage drinkers, the only safe detox is one that is medically supervised and without the continuous flow of alcohol into the body, detox begins immediately.

It also seems simple to put the alcoholic out on the street – “kick him/her to curb”. Most of my blog readers are at the place where putting the alcoholic out would be something resembling putting a hospice patient out for them to die somewhere that is not in your line of vision. My moral compass doesn’t allow me to do that. Many of my readers’ moral compasses are pointed in the same direction.

That doesn’t mean that my readers should always stay in a relationship with the alcoholic person in their life. Circumstances must be weighed and considered. What is good for one person is not always good for another. It’s a decision that can only be made by the person living the life.

My personal belief is that no one person should be judged or criticized by another for their way of handling their life circumstance. The only way to truly know what is best for another is to actually live inside the person’s life. It’s OK to have an opinion, but not to believe that your opinion is the cure to anyone else’s situation. As I was reading comments on other websites, I was dismayed at the level of judgment that seemed to be running rampant.

Alcoholism is a heart-breaking, insidious, all-encompassing addiction which reaches far beyond just the person who is drinking. It takes over lives and leaves a path of destruction. As caretakers we must find a way to prevent us from losing our sanity while doing whatever it is that we feel is best for our situation. If we lose ourselves while taking care of others who have already lost it – the alcoholism wins. I won’t let alcohol win by claiming my life.

If you feel you would like some non-judgmental, non-critical support, please feel free to join the OARS website to get some much-needed support. The invitation link is:

http://oarsffgroup.ning.com/?xgi=4p5Euh2zC7I3tQ

We will all be happy to see you there!

It's Spring -- time for tornadoes and Oz

I've posted this before and got such a great response that I really think it deserves to be re-posted. It's Spring and for us in the south that means tornado season. It also means Wizard of Oz will be showing up on television.

Tornado warning… (5/3/2011)

When the Emergency Broadcast came over the television announcing that we were under a Tornado Warning, I gathered my stuff – blankets, pillows, laptop, water, etc – and put it in a secure place in my bathroom. I was ready.

Riley was in his rocking chair watching his usual NCIS. I told him we needed to get his bathroom ready in case the worst came about. He just said – “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” And being the good little caretaker that I am – I stocked his bathroom. Both the bathrooms are small and there is really only room for one person in each.

As the night wore on, I settled in and listened. Wind, rain, hail, more rain, quiet, wind and more wind – but there was no rumble. I was waiting for the rumble sound of an oncoming train. It never happened – and I was thankful.

As I was waiting, I could feel the house swaying with the wind. We have a brick rancher – solid as possibly could be – but the wind was so strong it was moving the house. I thought of the three little pigs who built their last house of bricks. What a smart thing to do.

In spite of the three little pigs’ wise decision to use brick in the construction – some lyrics kept running through my head -- but they weren’t verses about the pigs’ quest for a secure dwelling. Instead, I was hearing in my head the lyrics to a song from The Wizard of Oz.

The wind began to switch – the house to pitch and suddenly the hinges started to unhitch.

Life with an alcoholic is much the same as a house in the middle of a tornado. This first verse could well define what it is like to watch the beginning of an alcoholic downfall. Things are unsettled, the family never feels secure and things start to fall apart.

Just then the Witch – to satisfy an itch went flying on her broomstick, thumbing for a hitch.

The alcoholic (the Witch) needs to satisfy the craving for alcohol and so he/she seeks it out. Sometimes they ask others to help them obtain the alcohol – as in hitching a ride to the liquor store.

And oh, what happened then was rich.

I think if we substitute the word “sad” for the word “rich,” this would be exactly correct. Because what happens after the alcoholic gets the booze is rich with sadness.

The house began to pitch. The kitchen took a slitch.

Things become increasingly upsetting in the alcoholic household as the drinking continues.

It landed on the Wicked Witch in the middle of a ditch, which was not a healthy situation for the Wicked Witch.

The consequences of the alcoholic’s actions cause him/her to land in unpleasant situations. Eventually the health of the alcoholic deteriorates and puts the alcoholic’s life in danger.

Who began to twitch and was reduced to just a stitch of what was once the Wicked Witch.

The person who was once a vital, productive, happy member of the community is reduced to becoming a mere servant of alcohol. At that point, the entire family is not in Kansas anymore, but rather in some uninhabitable place – like Antarctica. No matter how many times you click your heels, those ruby red slippers are not going to help you now.

I’m told by fellow country dwellers that this is unusual weather for this time of year. Funny, in Linda and Riley World – living in a tornado is a way of life.

Everyone is eligible...

I’m so very excited about this television series on alcoholism. I’ve been given an awesome opportunity to help produce and I’ve been able to locate several people who are courageous enough to allow their stories to be shown on this major television network. Thank you to all of you who have consented.

We are still looking for more stories and would love to hear from you if you think you might be interested in sharing your struggles and making a real difference in someone else’s life. You may think that you are not interesting enough. You may be hesitant to show your face on television and to the world – it’s extremely public. You may think that because you are drinking, you would not be a good candidate for being interviewed.  The fact is, you may be just the person, story, situation that would be excellent for this project.

If you are drinking and feel that there is just no way for you to stop. We need your story.

If you think you are not interesting enough, not photogenic enough, not young enough, not old enough, not enough, not enough, not enough. You are very wrong. We need you. We don’t care that you aren’t going to win any beauty pageants or be the next GQ Man of the Hour. We don’t care how old you are.

This is what we need – if you struggle between sobriety and drinking, we want to hear from you. That’s it. That’s all there is too it.

One of the producers of the project as sent this message to all my readers:  

Dear Friends of the Immortal Alcoholic,

Chances are if you are reading the Immortal Alcoholic- you have a loved one or friend who has a problem with alcohol- or perhaps you yourself struggle with alcohol. Most likely- these relationships are complex and challenging. We are producing a documentary for a major cable network about people’s relationships with alcohol. Alcohol use is often depicted as black or white and yet the realities of these relationships are typically far more complex. We are trying to tell a different kind of story about people who fall into the more subtle and complex grey zone of alcohol use. Our goal is to feature about eight different people whose stories collectively illustrate the broad spectrum of modern day alcohol use.

If you are comfortable sharing your story- then please feel free to call or write.   We can be reached by email, docustories2014@gmail.com at or by phone at 212 512-1843 (your messages and our conversations are completely confidential). There is absolutely no pressure, nor obligation—we would love to explore the possibility of bringing your story, your perspective, to our audience.

Let me emphasis – this is NOT an intervention. This is just telling your story. No pressure to go to a treatment or rehab facility.

I’ve been writing this blog for four years and feel that all my readers are a part of a special family. I’m asking that special family to help make a difference in someone else’s life. I’m asking you to dig deep and help make this project a success.

If you want to talk to me before talking to the producers, just send an e-mail to LDoyne@live.com and include your phone number. I’ll call you and we can chat a bit before going further.

Thank you so very much for your consideration.

Channel 81 NOT 106!

The radio station for the broadcast is 81 and not 106 as I thought! Please tune in!

Radio and TV

Tomorrow Channel 106 of Sirius XM Radio hosted by Perri Peltz of HBO. Her guest will be Dr. Joe Nowinski and I've been asked to call in to tell a bit about the Immortal Alcoholic. Call the program with questions or comments.  877- 698-3627.

Sirius Radio
Channel 106
Topic: Heavy Drinker vs. Alcoholic
3 p.m. - 4 p.m. Eastern Time
Hosted by Perri Peltz, HBO
Guest: Dr. Joe Nowinski, author "Almost Alcoholic"
Call line: 877-698-3627 Phone calls from you are what will make this program great!

Hope to hear you there!!

ALSO (A note from Perri Peltz):

Chances are if you are reading the Immortal Alcoholic- you have a loved one or friend who has a problem with alcohol- or perhaps you yourself struggle with alcohol. Most likely- these relationships are complex and challenging. We are producing a documentary for a major cable network about people's  relationships with alcohol. Alcohol use if often depicted as black or white and yet the reality of these relationships are typically far more complex. We are trying to tell a different kind of story about people who fall into the more subtle and complex grey zone of alcohol use. Our goal is to feature about eight different people whose stories collectively illustrate the broad spectrum of modern day alcohol use.

If you are comfortable sharing your story- then please feel free to call or write.   We can be reached by email, docustories2014@gmail.com at or by phone at 212 512-1843 (your messages and our conversations are completely confidential). There is absolutely no pressure, nor obligation—we would love to explore the possibility of bringing your story, your perspective, to our audience.

Fat lady singing...

Many people believe that once an alcoholic has stopped drinking that the worst is over. People also believe that going to rehab for 90 days means there are only sunny days ahead. The reality is a far different picture from what many people believe.

When detox begins in a medically supervised arena, the brain begins to divest itself of the accumulated toxins that have been stored in the frontal lobe. It is a slow process to get rid of all that poison. In fact it takes FOUR years for the brain to be toxin-free. Even if there is zero alcohol in the blood stream, the alcoholic will be under the influence (even if minimally) for the next four years. So that means, while the person may be able to go back to work, repair broken relationships, find peace and in general return to a somewhat “normal” life – there is always the pull back to the bottle or vestiges of the alcoholic personality on a daily basis.

If a person goes to rehab for 90 days and then immediately goes back to drinking, it may be because that pull from the brain is over-riding any logical thinking process. Alcoholism is an addiction and it is difficult enough to break the addiction even if there were no left-over toxins interfering with logic, reason and emotion.

After the 90 days in treatment there must be a continuation of treatment for the alcoholic to ignore those pulls away from rationality. Most people continue their journey in a 12-step program, but there are other programs – Smart Recovery is just one example. In my opinion, support groups are great, but there needs to be that one-on-one counseling in order to keep working on the more intimate issues. The therapy must dig deep to find factors that may have encouraged the drinking in the first place. Was there a traumatic incident? Was there some PTSD, child abuse, or any other major life change around the time the drinking stepped up in pace? What are some of the triggers that may put the alcoholic into a tenuous situation? Usually many of these issues are not uncovered in a group atmosphere because they can be too personal, too painful to discuss openly. There is often not enough time inside the rehab center of other support groups. When things do start to become clear, it will take a lot of work to resolve the discovered issues in order to reach full recovery.

It doesn’t happen overnight; within a month, year, or more. It’s long and hard. It could take four years. The good news is that once these issues are uncovered it will then be possible for the alcoholic to start to truly recover. Dr. Phil says, “You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge.” No truer words have been spoken – in my opinion. I always say “Knowledge is power.”

Usually when a person comes out of rehab the family feels like they are on top of the world. There is hope; there is a promise of a normal life. It’s a “honeymoon” period where everything is sweet, loving and light. But for the family there is also the edginess of waiting for the other shoe to drop. They are cautious in their happiness. And that’s as it should be because it takes four years; it takes support groups; it takes counseling; it takes patience; it takes understanding; and sometimes it feels impossible.

In my case, Riley was once sober for just about five years – so what happened? He had gone over the four years so he should have been toxin-free. Rile was extremely active in AA. He had sober friends and attended booze-free activities. What Riley did not have was the one-on-one counseling. He did not ever reach a place where he could be completely honest about anything that may have contributed to his alcoholism. To this day, he will tell you the only reason he became an alcoholic was because he liked being drunk rather than sober. He did not care about destroying anyone else’s life – wife, kids, friends – and he openly admits this as the truth. But, he cannot tell you “why” he is this way. To top it off, he uses counseling sessions to convince himself that he is “not that bad.” He also thinks of his appointments as social events. As a result he is missing one of the key elements, in my opinion, to achieving life-long sobriety. It really isn’t over until the fat lady sings and for Riley, the fat lady is on stage without a microphone or a band – she’s not singing anytime soon.

Just a reminder – most of my posts are my opinion and based on my experience combined with research on the subject matter. I’m not a doctor, lawyer, therapist, or any other “professional”. I’m a survivor and that’s all I ever claim to be.

Help others by telling your story...

This was sent to me about an upcoming series that addresses the various stages of alcoholism. If you would like to participate in this program, please send a bit about your story to the below e-mail address. They are looking for people in all the various stages.

Our relationships with alcohol are complex and no longer fit the traditional black and white model of use and abuse. While many documentaries exist about alcohol abuse - we feel few reflect the realities that many of us face when it comes to our relationships with alcohol use.  Most of our stories are not black or white- but fall in the more subtle and complex grey zone. Our goal is to feature about eight different people whose stories are different but collectively illustrate the broad spectrum of modern day alcohol use.

We are three women working together on this documentary and we would love to hear from you. There is absolutely no pressure, nor obligation—we would love to explore the possibility of bringing your story, your perspective, to our audience.

We can be reached by email, docustories2014@gmail.com at or by phone at 212 512-1843. Please feel free to leave a confidential message.

I really like it that they recognize that traditional solutions may not be the answer. Your participation in this program will could help someone get the help they need. They are seeking both alcoholics and loved ones of alcoholics. This is not your typical TNT "Addiction" program.

Comments wanted...

Back in April 2012, I had a guest poster, Dr. Joseph Nowinski. He wrote about being “almost an alcoholic”. It was an exceptional post with many great comments. I want to thank my readers for being willing to share their thoughts with the rest of the world.

I’m going to ask you all to share bits of your life once again. Please review the guest post (the link is here):

http://immortalalcoholic.blogspot.com/2012/04/almost-alcoholic.html

After reviewing the post, please comment on how you think your life would have been different if you had read or had access to the book Almost Alcoholic back when the alcoholic in your life would have been considered a “heavy drinker” rather than an “alcoholic.” Would the book have made a difference?

Do you feel that reading the book now in conjunction with counseling from a qualified therapist / medical professional could change your life at the present time and/or possibly avoid full-blown alcoholism?

Dr. Nowinski is an internationally recognized clinical psychologist and author. He has blogs on the HuffingtonPost.com and PsychologyToday.com websites. For more information on Almost Alcoholic visit www.TheAlmostEffect.com. Dr. Nowinski’s website is www.joenowinski.com.

Thank you for participating in this survey. Your opinions and input are always very important to me. As always your privacy will be respected.

Who will win?...

I’ve been trying to write a post for some time now. Each time I add one to the blog I vow to myself not to go so long between postings, but time gets away from me and I find I’m always playing “catch-up.” Things were always bad when Riley was drinking constantly, consistently and predictably. Now that his body is not-so-functional from all the years of abuse, I find my life to be even more complicated than ever.

One of the medical professionals has told me that Riley’s dementia level is rated at 50% and another tells me he is more than that. I’m not sure what all the percentages mean, but I do know that living with him sober yet not rational is tiring.

He looks like a normal guy. He talks like a normal guy for short conversations. He can remember yesterday’s world news. He can even offer pros and cons when trying to make decisions. BUT… and there’s a big BUT… He often forgets entire days and within a couple hours will lose track of things I told him at breakfast. He talks about TV characters as though they are real people and respects the characters viewpoint often using it to make his own point about some situation or idea.

He falls often and each fall is immediately followed with “I’m OK.” He is stubborn refusing to use the cane or walker any more often than absolutely necessary and instead uses the furniture to maintain an upright stance. It’s probably why he falls so often. We have both tile and hardwood floors which mean falling can lead to a broken hip or injury to his head. He’s always OK and then a couple hours later he complains that his side hurts or his leg or his arm. I should not say the word “complain” because according to Riley he NEVER complains -- like it’s a sign of weakness or a lack of control. Instead he says he just states the facts.

He also never gets angry. At least he says he doesn’t get angry because anger is a waste of time and he is stronger than anyone who ever gets angry. Instead of coming out and staying that I infuriate him, he will be passive aggressive and do things like throw something of mine away.

I believe he is extremely angry with me and the entire world. He is angry because he is no longer in control of Riley World. He doesn’t get alcohol because I will not buy it. He can’t go to bars and clubs because I will not allow him to drive the car. He has no intimate contact with a female because I won’t find him a girlfriend. His drinking has caused any female relationships he has had to run far away from him. He still has faithful friends even though he does not want to communicate with them. Most of them are people he met when he was active in the AA program. They are still concerned and caring. But they are not the friends he wants. He wants his old friends – Aristocrat and Budweiser.  He has no computer access. His days are spent watching reruns of programs like Castle, Bones, NCIS, etc. Those are his friends now.

I do not feel sorry for him. He was warned so many times that he was destroying his body.  He always seemed to think it would never happen to him. He always claimed that he would live to 100 and be shot by a jealous husband. And he was so very proud that he would die in that manner. Now his dreams of that jealous husband are long gone. He is reaping what he has sowed. It didn’t have to be this way, but his choices have led him to be forced to live with a woman he does not like; in a place he does not like; and in a manner he does not like.

And yet – there are people who remark that it’s such a shame that this has happened to him. I agree. It is a shame that he never cared enough about his life to truly have a desire to save it. I want to scream that this didn’t just “happen” to him. Riley decided to take the risk and play that roulette wheel. He played and he lost. Of course, he didn’t want to lose in this manner. He wanted to lose with more finality. He wanted to die from drinking. He did not want to be crippled from it.

 And, according to Riley, his being alive is clearly my fault. This is the one thing he openly states causes him to be angry. Any chaos or problems he causes are things that I deserve because I didn’t let him die. Well… I’d love to say that I won’t make that mistake again but I’m not sure I can stand by those words. Instead I’ll just say that I hope he goes quietly and peacefully so I won’t notice and thus not feel obligated to call for help.

A reader asked how I was doing. Hmmm… I don’t think about that too much anymore. Outwardly, I’m OK. Inside I’m angry, tired, frustrated, and just want all this to be over. I try to be a good caretaker, but keeping someone alive is not an easy thing when life is not what is wanted if it doesn’t include alcohol. I’m surviving every day sometimes just hour by hour. The only way to I can make sense of all this is to make sure I stay healthy and outlive Riley. It would be a shame for my end to come simply from the exhaustion of being his caretaker. I actually WANT my life and have many things planned for my Riley-free days.

I have considered letting Riley have small amounts of alcohol at specific times. It was even suggested by a therapist that I give it to him much the same as a medication. It might solve some of the anger issues and give him enough of a buzz to keep him more complacent. It is a thought, but I’m not going there just yet. I’m already his warden and not sure if I want to take on the role of bartender. It would be one more thing added to my “to do” list for each day. My list is full right now and I don’t see room for one more thing.

How I am doing seems to not be so relevant to Riley’s medical personnel. Most people are more concerned for him than they are for me. So I want to thank you for asking. I appreciate the concern and hope that your situation is a bit easier than mine at this time. I also hope that if you can find help and support in your journey through this alcoholism hell. If you have the opportunity, try to get hospice involved to relieve you from having to make the hard decisions. If you qualify, get in touch with the Veterans Administration, especially if there is a disability compensation connection. Protect yourself – always be aware and compliant to your own needs.

Above all else, remember that if you die before the alcoholic  – alcoholism wins.

Month of love...

I always seem to struggle through the month of February. In my mind it’s a small month that is packed with stuff – National Freedom Day, Groundhog Day, Rosa Parks Day, National Wear Red Day, Lincoln’s Birthday, Susan B Anthony Birthday, President’s Day, and let’s add Arkansas’ Daisy Gatson Bates Day. In spite of all the listed holidays, February is still known to be the month of love. Valentine’s Day seems to over-shadow all the others.

My struggle with this month of love is that I am a romantic disguised as a cynic. I make jokes about the best thing about Valentine’s Day is the day after when the candy can be bought at 75% off. I send funny cards and reserve all my goosheyness for my great-grandbabies who loved getting my little gifts declaring my love for them. If you pull back the mask and look underneath you will find that I’m not just a romantic, I am utterly and completely hopeless. I am also a realist. I suppose that means I’m a realistic hopeless romantic.

I was watching a television program about a wedding. It was beautiful. The gown was incredible with bits of shiny beads, pearls and lace. It fit her like a glove and her beautiful figure was easily recognized. Flowers were everywhere and all the guests were both smiling and crying. It would surely be a day the couple would remember for the rest of their lives.

As I watched and listened I noticed that somewhere inside me I experienced a bit of stinging when the vows were said and done and the minister pronounced them “husband and wife.” It was like the words were said in slow motion – h u s b a n d   and    w i f e. That part is always saved to the end of the ceremony, like they don’t tell you the punch line of the joke until the end. Husband and Wife. As if their names were no longer John and Mary, but rather “husband and wife.” I turned off the television and decided to put it out of my mind by baking some bread. I like to bake as a distraction from things that are disturbing.

The baking didn’t help because I kept thinking that I didn’t really know what all that meant – or maybe I did know what it meant and was uncomfortable with it. I’m sure it’s the later of the two. I am a wife and I have a husband. It’s a path I chose many years ago – more than 40 in fact. It was decision made with open eyes. As is the case with most newlyweds, I was young and inexperienced. When I think about it now I don’t understand how young couples can be expected to make such life-altering decisions at such a delicate, tender, age. It’s like saying at age 15, I’m gonna love roses my entire life and then realizing when you’re 40, that you like hydrangeas better. I suppose that’s why divorce was invented.

Strangely, I've never been a wife to a man that I felt I could have spent my entire life with. I've been married to an abuser (Peter) and to a drunk (Riley). If I have to measure, I have far more affection for Riley than I ever had for Peter which is understandable with all things considered. I am now, and have been almost forever, Riley’s wife. That means I do wifely things. I cook, clean, organize, manage, and take care of him because he cannot do these things for himself. Sometimes I do a better job than others, but I always do something for him on a daily basis. He is my husband and that means he is my responsibility.

I could have chosen to get a divorce when I realized that taking the vows meant I would be forever tied to this other person. But, I didn't. I’m a hopeless romantic. No matter how bad things got, I stayed the hopeless romantic. I believed he would leave his mistress, Ms Vodie Aristocrat, and return to me with a renewed vigor towards saving our marriage. That did not happen. When the mistress left him behind, she left a broken man who was not recognizable as the man with whom I took my vows.

People ask me how we have been able to stay together so long. They say we must have a secret to making our marriage work. I want to scream out that the only person the marriage works for is Riley. The secret for couples to have a long marriage is to marry someone who will feel a sense of responsibility and will not leave when things are unbearable. And if you split up, make sure you maintain some semblance of a bond, so the healthy one will come to the aid of the unhealthy one during bad times. My advice is to forget love and marry for loyalty. Did I mention that I’m a cynic?

I have a love-hate relationship with Valentine’s Day. I’m jealous of the people who I believe have found that true and everlasting love that will sustain them for their entire life, yet I'm happy for them. I long to have had that with the man that I believed would be a true and loving husband. I realize that will never happen. I fantasize that there is still hope for me. I believe that I have little time or energy left to really search for him. I refute the idea that a Prince Charming will ride up and save me from the beast. I would probably tell me to ride on and go save his own self anyway. I know that I want true love. I doubt that it will come to me in this lifetime.

Maybe there should be two types of marriages. First there should be the young love marriage that allows for the procreation of our species. If it lasts forever, that’s great. The second type of marriage is one based on practicalities like common interests, friendships, sexual compatibility and has nothing to do with producing offspring. This second type of marriage would happen at a later age when each individual has already been through the first type of marriage. Each individual would know themselves as their own person and would be better able to communicate wants, needs, desires, dreams, etc. In fact, the second type of marriage doesn't even have to be a licensed marriage. It could be just two people who join together with a common goal.

In my opinion, the chances of have a “first type” marriage that lasts till death do part is rare. No one is the same at age 60 as they are at age 20. If what you’re looking for is a “death do part” marriage, don’t get married until you’re already in your 50’s. It’s easier to keep the romance alive over a period of 20 or 30 years than it is 50 or 60 years.

This year on Valentine’s Day I did my usual cynical stuff. I laughed and carried on. Inside I was conflicted. Maybe just staying in bed under the covers for the entire month would have been a better way to handle things. Oh no… wait… I just realized that June will be upon is in no time. June is the wedding month… here I go again.