Empty spaces on a page

Oh My… another fresh new year just waiting for some adventure and excitement. I have a calendar with 365 empty squares. There’s even more empty squares if you count the ones without numbers. They all look lonely, boring, and open to possibilities.

I grew up with my mother repeating “Do something productive with every minute of your time, because you’ll never have those minutes back again. Once the day is gone, it’s gone forever.” I imagine that’s why I must am driven to do something every day. Even if I plan to relax, I’m always working on something – needlework, reading, writing. It’s always something going on in my brain or in my hands.

My calendar process is much the same as my budgeting process. I put things onto the calendar that 

are “proposed.” Then as that day comes, I put in what I actually did. Of course, doctor’s appointments, etc. are pretty much not proposed, but actual things that must be done. Working my calendar in this manner, I can see if I’m accomplishing anything or not. Sometimes I accomplish things, but not the things I want to accomplish or not as much as I wanted to do.

I’m a list maker. In the morning, I make a list of things to do that only a person with three clones would be able to complete. About half of the items end up on the next day’s list, some fall off the list completely. I am flexible, but still wish I could get it all done.

Living with an alcoholic means a constantly evolving list of things to do in a order that’s as flexible as a strand of cooked spaghetti. There is no constant, no consistency, no order, no logic, in the tasks that need to be done or the priority of completing them. It’s especially frustrating for me as a person who has a vision but has trouble reaching the ultimate goal.

So I’m looking at this empty calendar and asking myself where to start. Hmmm… I can enter birthdays. That’s a good place to start. Then there are other milestones that can go in the appropriate square. That will at least remind me to remember to wish someone a happy birthday or anniversary or whatever.

Next to be scheduled would be all the recurring events – like the annual house lease renewal; my mammogram; annual writer’s conference; or the anniversary of my blog. I need those little reminders.

When Riley was drinking I would enter things into the calendar like – “jail” if he were a guest of the city overnight; vomiting blood; fell down stairs; and other things that I might be asked by a person in authority at some point in time. I also keep a calendar in my Workbook for Caretakers, so I always have an account of how many times he falls or vomits or eats a healthy meal.

After putting in all that vital stuff, I plan for what I would like to do. Let’s see… I want to go to the NIAA meeting in Washington DC every quarter. I want to attend several conferences and seminars on alcoholism. I’d like to host seminars and begin live OARS meetings. I’d like to take a vacation. WAIT!! What is a vacation?? As unrealistic as it is, I plan a vacation every year. I haven’t managed it in more than 12 years, but I plan it anyway.

The empty squares are fewer now, but I still see time to do things. If Riley were not either drinking or having cancer, I could plan some dinner parties. I love to host dinner parties. I could plan for the great-grandkids to come for the weekend. I could take them to Busch Gardens or the Pirate Festival. But, drinking or cancer always eliminates the real possibility of this happening. What the heck! I write it in anyway.

With a fresh calendar and a plan for ways to spend my time so that my idle hands will not become the devil’s workshop, I can start my year.  Seldom does my calendar ever work out to be a factual rendition of my life when I look back on New Year’s Day. I will probably only follow through on a few of the planned outings, conferences, meetings, and least we forget the vacation. They most likely won’t happen. But at least I had a plan. Someday that plan may work out right down to the minute. Won’t that be different?

What do you do when you get a fresh new calendar? How do you make things work?

Here's to 300!

Today’s post is the 300^th since I created this blog on October 19, 2011. There have been good responses and bad responses; words of encouragement and comments of distain; some readers gained knowledge and support while others were disappointed. I’ve talked about medical issues, personality traits, sobriety and drunkenness. I have offered support groups and tried to impart cold and hard facts. I’ve had several readers who spent many hours on trying to get me to stop writing posts and even had death-threats from an unlikely source. Through it all, I persevered and tried to maintain my open, honest and informative attitude while trying to always keep a sense of humor. I’m proud to have been able to meet that goal.

In this journey, you’ve read about Riley’s absurd ideas and beliefs from the brain of a man who could no longer see logic or reason. You’ve read about Riley’s heart attack and his entry into hospice at a local nursing home. Then there was his miraculous recovery where he further solidified my name for him as the Immortal Alcoholic. Now I am sharing with you about Riley’s cancer and my frustration at being his personal home health aide while living in a medical desert.

You’ve also come along as I created the Workbook for Caretakers of End-Stage Alcoholics; held several seminars/workshops; finished and published The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife; and now… beginning my public speaking/seminar endeavor as a business that gives back. We’ve come a long way Baby!

Thank you for sticking with me. Thank you for understanding me when I’ve been down in the dumps. Thank you for encouraging me. Thank you for sharing your experiences and resources with the other readers. Thank you for being a part of “Team Linda.” For those of you, who don’t like my bandwagon, thank you for challenging me.

Several people have been suggesting that it is time for me to relax and enjoy my retirement. They say I should focus on crafting, sewing, gardening, cooking, etc. Leave all this alcoholism nonsense behind me and let it all go. I just nod and smile because even though they may be very close to me, I think they just don’t “get it.” I’m not finished yet. There’s still so much more to do and as long as I’m physically capable of working on the projects of my choice – I’m not going to sit in a rocking chair and idly knit booties.

Now that the first round of treatment for Riley’s cancer is nearly complete (his last day of radiation will be New Year’s Eve), the doctors and social workers have taken me aside and talked to me about expectations for the future, as well as handling the present difficulties. Riley has a 50/50 chance that his cancer may be in remission after treatment. One doctor believes that is an optimistic prediction and would suggest his chances be lower. In each interview, they have expressed to me that I need to pick up where I was before Riley was diagnosed with colo-rectal cancer. I was planning a seminar that got postponed; I was beginning the sequel to The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife; I was compiling a book of short stories; and, trying to grow the support group numbers. I’m told it’s time to bring all that to the fore-front once more and accept that Riley may not be around much longer. I should be planning my life with the reality that Riley will most likely die within the next couple of years either from cancer; the treatment side effects; and/or, the high possibility of him returning to drinking.

WAIT!! What did you just tell me?? I thought I heard someone say that Riley is going to die in the very near future. Haven’t I heard that before somewhere? Didn’t I act on that advise once before with disastrous results? The definition of CRAZY is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I’m not crazy enough to believe that Riley’s time is near – I may believe it, but it’s crazy to act on it. I’ll believe Riley is not immortal when I have his ashes ready to be shot from the torpedo tube of a submarine. Until then, I will continue to believe he is not going anywhere anytime soon.

However, I will take the advice offered to me. It’s time to get back to doing what I was doing before the diagnosis. With the possibility of having a real home health aide for a few hours a day, I can see a bit of freedom looming on the horizon. Time to get back to work!

Post 300 is a Thank You to my readers and a declaration of returning to my own form of sanity. If I were a drinker, I’d make a toast to the past 300 posts and the upcoming 300 posts! What the heck… I’ll use my V8 juice! Here's to 300!

Speak, Linda, Speak

Now available for speaking to families and friends of alcoholics at your event, rehab center, etc. At this time I charge only for the cost of my expenses. I also speak to alcoholics about the life that they create for their loved ones when they are inside the bottle.

My casual, interactive speaking style engages the audience in the topic. Not just another Powerpoint presentation, but rather a conversation with the attendees. There's some humor and there's some heartbreak, but the bottom line is that it is all real.

I have 10 (ten) open dates at this special expenses only rate. Reserve your date NOW! E-mail me with SPEAK in the subject line: immortalalcoholic@gmail.com

Christmas... again

We celebrate Christmas and I mean no disrespect to those who don’t celebrate Christmas, but rather some other seasonal celebration. In this post, I use Christmas because it is what happened in our house, but it could really be any holiday – Hanukkah, Kwanza, or others. But these are my memories and this is how I remember it.

It happens every year. Just like clockwork the holiday season arrives and we all breathe a deep sigh. For some people it is a sigh of joy and delight, but for others not so much. There are those that a sigh is used to boost their strength or indicates a feeling of “here we go again.” I know both kinds of sigh and, believe me, the first one is much better.

I remember Christmas’ of joy and delight. I remember seeing twinkling in my children’s eyes and the fun of visiting Santa Claus. It was a happy time filled with gatherings of family and friends, tree trimming, and… oh… so much… fabulous food.

Then there was the other kind of Christmas. Those Christmas’ were filled with worry, doubt, anger and disappointment. When Riley was in a period of making alcohol his mistress, he did not attend the children’s winter concerts nor did he participate in any preparation for the holidays. Mostly, Riley was just absent both physically and mentally. When he was around for a gathering, he was always so drunk that he broke glasses, knocked over Christmas trees, and made suggestive comments to any woman within sight.

After a few of these Christmas failures, I learned not to really include Riley as a factor in the season’s celebrations. I attended parties alone or with a friend. I never even implied to the kids that Riley would go to their concerts. I didn’t expect he would help with things such as shopping, tree trimming, food preparation or going to see Santa. He became an invisible entity within the house. But, then, I didn’t have to worry much about his presence because he was rarely at our home.

I considered myself as somewhat of a single parent and acted in that manner. I refused to let Riley’s “scroogness” have any bearing on my finding joy. I suppose you could say I “detached” from Riley and just continued on.  It doesn’t matter what word you use to describe it, the end result was that it worked for me.

Riley was still somewhat a part of things at Christmas. He read the gift tags and handed out the packages to all of us. He ate Christmas breakfast with us and often stuck around for Christmas dinner. But after dinner he was gone and wouldn’t return for days. It was almost a blessing he was gone because I didn’t have to have conversations with someone who wasn’t quite able to follow the chain of exchanges.

The Christmas’ since Riley had his heart attack have been decreasing in intensity – at least for me. Riley doesn’t seem to care about Christmas except that we have a tree and a huge Christmas feast. We don’t have company during that time so it is just two people trying to enjoy some holiday spirit. But, the enjoyment feels forced.

This year, there will be no tree and our neighbors will be bringing us a plate full of their Christmas feast. I did send out Christmas cards to a few people, I made some holiday wreaths, and that’s about it. I don’t feel that I’m missing anything. My daughter and the rest of the family will be getting together for the whole big Christmas blow out. But, it’s too far for us to go to them especially with Riley as sick as he is so we will talk in the morning and probably in the evening. They will post pictures on Facebook and I’ll be able to see the great-grandkids smiling faces. That will be enough for me this year.

I have hopes of better Christmas’s in the future. I envision that I will be able to go to my grandson’s house and spend several days enjoying the season. The great-grands will be ages 9, 5 and 1 years old. They will be helping me bake cookies and make tree ornaments. We’ll see Santa as he rides down the street on a fire engine. There will be shopping with the adults and lots of yummy food.

Christmas past, Christmas present and Christmas future… good and bad, even some just so-so. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which kind it will be until it is upon me. One thing I know for sure is that Christmas will come again as it does every year. Same date, without fail Christmas will arrive.

Today I’m hoping for a sigh of joyful expectations for all my readers for this and every holiday season.

Donation = gifts...

Thank you to everyone who has donated and posted words of encouragement. It has been greatly appreciated. We still have a long way to go. I'm surprised that there have been no pledges towards shaving my head. Don't you think I'd look great without hair? To make a pledge please visit the Escape from Medical Desert page on Facebook and scroll down to my picture. Put your pledge in the comments. You don't pay the pledge until the goal of $2,500 is reached. When the goal is reached, I'll shave my head and you then pay the amount you pledged. All that red hair will be gone!

Donate to the fundraiser: http://gfwd.at/1FicTJx and receive the following gifts:

$25 -- The paperback version of The Immortal Alcoholic's Wife 

$30 -- A Glowing Skeleton OR Linda's Front Porch T-Shirt 

$40 -- A Glowing Skeleton OR Linda's Front Porch Tote Bag

$50 -- Christmas OR Winter Wreath

$100 -- Immortal Alcoholic's Wife (paperback) PLUS T-Shirt (your choice of skeleton or porch)
$200 -- Book, T-shirt and Tote
$300 -- Book, T-shirt, Tote and Wreath

Yes, you can enjoy the holidays...

Am I really writing about Christmas AGAIN? It seems that I just wrote about last year’s Christmas and here we are with another holiday season coming at us at light speed.

For most families the holidays are filled with laughter, happy tears, hugs and expressions of love. But for many families these days are fraught with fear and anxiety because living with an alcoholic is like living with a time bomb set to explode at an unpredictable time and place. A Christmas party that should be a joyful event often turns into an embarrassing scramble trying to get the drunken spouse out the door after he/she has literally picked up the punch bowl and used it to make an off-color toast. Then there are the helpful friends who attempt to keep the drunk from getting behind the wheel of his car. Even after the alcoholic has left the building, conversations drift toward the realm of “Did you see what Alice did? So glad she left.” Instead of discussing the shopping bargains on toy treasures, everyone is talking about the unfortunate life of the alcoholic’s spouse or the alcoholic.

During the fifteen years I was separated from Riley, my Christmas season was filled with being around family and friends. I dressed up and went to parties and enjoyed the company of others without the worry of what my husband was doing or saying. I enjoyed those fifteen Thanksgivings, Christmas and New Year celebrations.

Someone asked me what was the easiest way to get past the holiday season when you have an alcoholic in the house? I’m not sure there is an easy way to do anything with an alcoholic present. Here are some things that I've done over the years to lessen the stress for the entire family.

Limit the number of holiday events attended with the drunken spouse.  This isn’t too difficult if you just say that there will be no alcohol served at the event. Most times alcoholics only want to go to places where they can drink. So you go alone or you take your kids or you take a non-drinking friend. You will be far more relaxed and able to enjoy this time if you aren’t looking over your shoulder and expecting disaster every minute.

If you have small children, you must be their Santa Claus. It will be up to you to do the “Santa” shopping. If there are toys, such as bicycles, to be assembled do it when the drinking spouse isn’t home. Get out your tool box and follow the directions. When asked who put the bike together, just say that the store assembled it for you. Leave some small item that needs assembling for the spouse to put together in order to avoid a confrontation due to feelings of being left out. This is not the time of year to “make a point” or even open the door to a possible fight. You’ll have lots of time for that after New Year’s Day.

Limit you guest list. Only invite your very closest friends and family to your home. Now is not the time to get to know those new neighbors who just moved in down the street. If anything happens that could be antagonistic or embarrassing, it’s best that it happens among people who know you, love you and understand your situation.

Make up your mind to celebrate and enjoy this time. I often felt that there was nothing about the Christmas holidays that was worth celebrating or joyous in any fashion. But if you look around you there is plenty to celebrate. You managed to survive the year and that in and of itself is cause for celebration. Celebrate the fact that you are loved by someone – anyone – whether that’s your children, siblings, parents, and/or God. Better yet, celebrate the fact that you are capable of loving someone else. Sometimes it is just a matter of BELIEVING you have something to celebrate/enjoy that can make all the difference between hating and loving a holiday.

Find pleasure in the little things. Put those mini-marshmallows in your hot chocolate and to make it even more special, make them the mint flavor with Mexican chocolate. That’s worth celebrating. Listen to your favorite holiday music with your headphones so you can play the same songs over and over again. And, even sing those songs out loud. Add some of your favorite dishes to your holiday dinners even if they are not the proper season for the dish. I like watermelon or cucumber salad and don’t forget strawberry short cake or fried green tomatoes. Not in season, hard to find fresh ingredients – but so worth the money, time and effort.

Make an escape. Even reading a new book can make you feel a bit special. Take a 20 minute break away from everything and escape into another world. If the only way to find the time to do that is to take a bath – fill the tub with bubbles, grab that book and hide out in the bathroom. Of course, if the book is The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife (now out on Amazon.com) – that’s even better because you might see yourself in those pages and find some humor in the chaos.

Most importantly – be happy and have wonderfully peaceful holidays during this 2014 season!

Celeb influences...

I was recently asked by Paul at Cassiobury Court Rehab Center in England – Do celebs have a positive or negative impact on drinking? I visited his website and thought – oh, I would love to go there even though I’m not an alcoholic. Maybe they would make an exception for me. See for yourself: http://www.cassioburycourt.com/

Back to the question -- The easy answer is both. In my opinion, it depends on the celebrity and what they do with their sobriety after they achieve it. For example, Martin Sheen is a positive influence for being able to achieve and maintain sobriety, while his son, Charlie Sheen, seems to be unable to grasp the advantages of living a clean and sober life. In this case Martin is a positive and Charlie a very good bad example although I haven’t heard much about him lately. That’s probably a good sign.

Other celebs such as Kelly Osborne and Jamie Lee Curtis, are good influences. Robert Downey Jr. had a tough road of being a bad influence until he managed to get a handle on his addiction and is now a good influence on the aspects of try, try, and try again until you get it right.

I think some people get a little fed up with all the attention that is given to the bad behavior of celebrity addicts. It is very irritating that celebs have the money, contacts and support to provide them with every advantage to achieve sobriety. Often times, they don’t seem to appreciate how fortunate they are and return to the outrageous behavior of addiction the minute they are released through the doors of whatever rehab facility they have entered. The media hype that ensues often depicts the wild and crazy fun that can be had by being under the influence. From that point of view, maybe it’s not the celeb behaving badly that is the problem, maybe it is the addiction of our society to know every single action of our favorite celebrity. Our addiction is what makes it profitable for paparazzi to gives us visual accounts of the celebs under-the-influence craziness.

What we see in the media is directly connected to what is profitable for the production companies. It is unfortunate that what sells is scandal. There are so many celebrities who have successfully maintained sobriety and could be (and are) a wonderful influence on what can be accomplished after rehab. For me, those are the celebrities I want to read about. I want to know what they are doing to be a good influence on those who are struggling with their addictions. But, one reason we don’t hear as much about them is because they are successful at not continuing to create scandal.

Maybe my attitude about not holding celebrities on a pedestal is why I have never been star-struck.  In my opinion, celebrities are just as human as anyone else. The only thing that makes them different is that they may have talents and training that we do not have. They are fortunate enough to have been able to make a living at utilizing those talents. My local hairdresser has the talent and training to cut and style my hair. The only difference between the actor and my hairdresser is the amount of money they get paid for doing what they do and the notoriety they receive for doing it. Both hairdresser and actor get up in the morning and prepare for their day. Both are faced with family and financial obligations. Both are under stress. Both have the possibility of being addicted. So why does the celebrity deserve so much hoop-la-la if they fall off the wagon when staying sober is just as challenging for anyone else?

In the end, whether something is good or bad, in case the influence celebrities have over the general population, the answer is there is opportunity for both. I would love to see more celebrities do more positive events, presentations, etc. to the kids to provide a counter-weight to all the bad influence exposure.

Rafterz is afloat!

My teenage years were difficult. They were difficult because of all the usual things that teens go through such as worry about acceptance, self-image, peer pressure and getting good grades. Looking back, I don’t think I was really any different from most other teens. But, there was this one girl, Mary, and her sister that caused me to be uncomfortable. They lived with an alcoholic mother and a complacent father. I haven’t heard from them in years and often wonder whatever became of them. My wish is that they are living a happy non-alcoholic existence and enjoying good health and peace.

Growing up is tough. Growing up in a house where alcoholism resides is ten times the toughness. The feeling of being alone can be overwhelming. No one really wants to admit that their parents (one or both) or any other family member has a problem with either drugs or alcohol. Circumstances are sometimes hard to explain, parental actions can be embarrassing, and the sheer uncertainty of each the unfolding day generate an extra high level of stress.

I was fortunate to not have alcohol be an issue in my family home. But, I was the only girl in a family of five with male cousins as added residents. I often felt that I had no one to talk to who would truly understand my point of view. I had my friends, but they all thought the boys in my family where way to cute to be a bother to me. I was alone.

When I think of that loneliness now, I think how silly I was because my life could have been so very much worse. I could have been like Mary. I wonder who she and her sister talked to when they needed an ear.

Rafterz was created for teens much like my friend, Mary. It is a “secret” Facebook page created just for teens who live in alcoholic chaos. Any teen with a Facebook account may join the group. Because the group is secret, only members can view the conversations or membership in the group. Members are fee to say exactly what is on their minds and/or heavy in their hearts.

Although the group is monitored by adults, who have also been in similar situations as teens, they will not judge or criticize. They will be there simply to monitor that there is no bullying or threats of dangerous actions either to themselves or others. The group is also monitored by several active teen members so that the adults cannot rule the group with objectivity.

Joining Rafterz is easy. Send an e-mail to RafterzTalk@gmail.com with the word “join” in the subject line. You will then be sent a simple questionnaire to be filed out and returned to the admin. The questionnaire form will ask for your real name, birthday, address, name of your school, and the name and phone number of a trusted friend or relative. Because the members will mostly be under the age of 18, we (the administrators) need to know who to contact in the event that the member is in danger of serious harm. We do not take this action lightly and will only contact someone if there is an extreme imminent situation as stated by the member. For example, if the member is threating to take his/her own life several times over a short period of time, we will first contact the trusted friend or relative for help or clarification. If the statements continue we will contact the school counselor for intervention.

We do not want the teen members to fear that we will ruin their lives or reputations. Just the opposite. We want them to feel safe in the Rafterz Group. We want them to have a place where they can say they hate their parents for drinking and not feel guilty about saying it. If they are tired of being used as the family scapegoat, this is the place where they can vent that anger and frustration. This will be the TEENs group and not the group of any adult. Teens will own this group and ultimately, as the group grows, they will be responsible for it. In my long-term mind’s eye, I see the teens being their own monitors and admins with only minimal administration from adults.

If you know a teen that you think will benefit from this new group, please tell them to check it out by sending me an e-mail and experiencing it for a week before formally joining. After a week, if the submission has not been returned, the member will be blocked from the group.

So, grab a paddle and hold on tight because the Teens Rafterz is about to enter the water!

Separation anxiety...

My most viewed post on the blog is about the definition of end-stage alcoholism. I’m hoping that when I’m able to get back to doing seminars, it will be a topic. When I do seminars I usually use blog posts or pages as a starting off place for the subject or topic. I believe that the blog posts only scratch the surface.

I’m not sure when I’ll be able to actually go out and hold a seminar. There has been a suggestion that I do a webinar. I’m not familiar with them, but both of the two that I have participated in have been a bit boring. I dislike that the interaction between speaker and audience via a “chat box”. I like seeing the faces and allowing them to have a “conversational” moment during the event. I also like the interaction between participants. My seminars are also meant to be about networking with people who relate to your situation. I don’t see how that can happen in a webinar.

Thanks to the fundraiser, it appears that I may have a home health aide in the near future.  I’m beginning to plan for the upcoming year. Of course, nothing is ever set in stone. I am forever flexible with scheduling and projects. It is a fact that what I want to do and what I can do are often at totally different ends of the spectrum.

At least there is a difference for me now compared to how things were when Riley was drinking himself into oblivion. Then everything in my life was so very unpredictable. Even a trip to the grocery store could generate a near panic attack when I thought about what may be going on in my absence. I kept my time away from home as short as possible.

When Riley had his heart attack and ended up in hospice, the hesitation to leave home took quite a while to subside. Just when I could easily be away from home for an entire weekend, he came home and a whole new set of problems became evident. Even though he was not drinking, I now had a near invalid who needed constant care and attention. Eventually, Riley became more independent, but he never regained the ability to completely take care of his own needs.

In the midst of the alcoholism, the alcoholic seldom sees or understands the chaos they create. Everything to them seems perfectly normal and perfectly acceptable. That attitude isn't totally unfathomable since the part of the brain most affected by the alcoholic toxins is the part that deals with logic. The lack of filters to screen out unacceptable behavior generates the disbelief in their faces when the do things like – feeding the baby dog food or lounging in the front yard without clothing. It makes sense to them.

Unfortunately, the long-term abuse of alcohol often leads to permanent brain damage – as in Riley’s case. The bad news is that it keeps getting worse over time. I have had difficulty in convincing Riley’s doctors that he is losing more of his logical thought processes all the time. I often have to educate those who, in my opinion, should be the most educated.

Now the cancer is taking a portion of what was left of the reasonable part of Riley. He doesn't understand why the world doesn't revolve around his every wish and desire. He’s extremely critical of my care taking and housekeeping abilities. He often tells me to stop doing anything that is not directly focused on him. He will call me into his space on average seven times an hour and about half of those calls are to tell me that I need to do the dishes or pick up a penny off the floor even though he’s perfectly capable of picking up the penny by himself. It is exhausting. It is frustrating. I wish I could be angry but its CANCER and not drunkenness, even though the drunkenness most likely made him more susceptible to getting the cancer.  Even without alcohol, there are still the same feelings of frustration and anxiety.

In Riley’s case, end-stage has taken on a whole new meaning. There’s now an additional aspect to add to the definition of end-stage alcoholism. I will certainly be expounding on the subject in my public seminars on the definition of end-stage. Should I add it to the Stages of Alcoholism? I wonder about that since it doesn't happen to every alcoholic. But, it is certainly worth thinking about.

I’ll try to publish a tentative calendar when I get one formulated in my mind and on paper. I hope to see your faces in the audience. 

Questions, comments on video...

It’s been a while since I posted a video. I thought it might be a good thing to do this week. I have an aide coming in to help with Riley, so I won’t have to jump up every 5 minutes to attend to him. Since I don’t know how to edit my videos, the possibility of not having interruptions makes it the perfect opportunity to record.

Anyway, back to my next video. My e-mail box is almost always full of letters from my readers. I don’t always have time to answer them, but I try to at least read each and every one. Sometimes people ask me questions and I try to answer them. Sometimes I think “Hmmm…. Good question.” I would like for my readers to send me their questions and I will answer them on the upcoming video. I think that whatever question I’m being asked, just might be of interest to someone else. Send me your questions via e-mail ImmortalAlcoholic@gmail.com with “video question” in the subject line.

I will answer questions that ask for information as a priority. However, you may ask me a personal question as well – either positive or negative. If the question is TOO personal – I’ll respond by stating that it is too personal. If you wish to make a negative comment, that’s OK. I’ll answer those just as honestly as I will every other one. Just, please, be respectful by not using inappropriate language.

We did a video a couple months ago with questions being presented to Riley. The response was good and I believe the video was pretty good. I intend to do more videos with Riley as his health permits. I have one that was recorded recently and shows him having his head shaved. I also have a before and after picture. He hopes everyone pledges to the challenge for me to shave my head because he would love to see me as a baldy. Post your pledge amount by donating on the fundraising site with a notation of SHAVE in your message. (https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/0mn6/relocation-from-medical-desert-fund-for-mike-doyne)

Your contributions to the fund are what have allowed me to hire a home health aide, even if it is only for a short time. The personal attention provided to Riley eases his anxiety concerning his care. It is good for him to have someone other than me to look after him. It also helps me so that I can get some rest away from the constant requests and needs of Riley as well as allow me to do things such as the question and answer video. Please keep your contributions coming in and don’t forget that there are challenges that need pledges and items that need a new home. Watch for new handmade “Not So Perfect” items this week. Some of the items that receive NO bids will be placed in the store at Linda’s Front Porch website. However, many of the scarves will be donated to the local cancer center.

If you wish to donate, but would rather donate to a non-profit organization, please visit http://www.shepardcancerfoundation.org/ which is the cancer center where Riley is a patient. 

Rafterz for teens

 A new Facebook group is being created called "Rafterz". It is for teens who find themselves living with an alcoholic parent, relative or person. This is a "secret" group meaning only approved members can join and participate. The group will be ready to approve new members as of Monday, December 1st, 2014.

The group was created at the request of some of the OARS Group members and will be administered by several members of that Facebook group. A select few of the teens who have a parent in the OARS Group will be monitors. Parents of teens may not be members of the group so that the teens are provided the security of speaking freely without fear of retribution. The administers and monitors will watch closely for any signs of bullying or dangerous statements. Each teen member must provide the name and contact information of an adult that they trust. The trusted adult will be contacted if an administrator or monitor fears for the safety of the member.

If you know of a teen (at least 13 years of age) who you think might benefit from this type of group, please have them e-mail me with Rafterz in the subject line. The teen must have a Facebook account to join. Young adults, who have experienced life in an alcoholic home as a child, are welcome to join as long as they do not have a kid in the group.

Saving my life...

Yesterday I had an e-mail from a gentleman who was questioning why I would expect anyone to donate to a fund to help a drunken zombie who has only spread misery and strife all around him. Unfortunately, I do understand his point of view and I respect his decision not to participate in the fundraiser. I can see how it might appear that I’m asking for help for someone who does not deserve help.

This person clearly states that he has not read very much of my blog, but what he has read has offended him. He has had an unfortunate childhood which has left him with scars that may never heal. He also seems a bit “put out” because of the difficulty he has in meeting his own financial health needs. Again, it is an all-too-common circumstance in our country. Maybe he should start his own fundraiser and try to get help for his own situation.

The fundraiser is not so much about helping Riley stay immortal. The reality is that he is probably not going to make it through this battle no matter where we live or what I do. But then, I’ve heard that he’s dying before. The kids and I have stood vigil by his bedside before. Please forgive me when I have my doubts that he may not be leaving earth this time either. I won’t plan for a memorial service until I have his ashes in a box ready to be buried at sea.

Is it unrealistic for me to want to be in an area where I, Linda, can get the support and help that I need so that I don’t get sick from the sheer stress and physical requirement of taking care of him? Is it unreasonable for me to want to continue to do the things that seem to help so many others who find themselves in alcoholic chaos? How can I do those things when caretaking a cancer patient is a 24-hour a day job?

I’m not trying to save Riley’s life. That’s the job of his cancer team. It’s my job to provide him with assistance in following the doctor’s orders. It’s my job to do what I need to do so that when he passes from this world, I will be able to live with myself.  What I’m trying to do is save my own life.

Riley is still an alcoholic. That doesn't go away just because the drunk is not drinking. Riley would still be drinking if given the opportunity. He just doesn't have the means or ability to be drunk. In spite of all of that, Riley is still human and I will treat him with all the humanity I can muster – believe me sometimes that is very difficult.

If your decision is to NOT participate in the fundraising auction – I’m good with that. I don’t expect something for nothing and that’s why I have chosen the auction and challenge format. I thought it would be a lot more fun than just sending some money off to a cause. Wouldn't it be fun to watch your kids eyes lit up when they think they are talking to Santa? And if you really hate what I’m doing – challenge me to shave my head at the start of what is supposed to be a very cold winter. That would be a good punishment for whatever wrongs you think I’m doing. If you love what I’m doing and can’t afford to participate – post me a positive/encouraging comment on the fundraising site or suggest a challenge that you think might be interesting and fun.

And on this Thanksgiving Day --- THANK YOU to all my readers, even the ones who do not like me.

Escape from this medical desert

Quick UPDATE!!

Living in a Medical Desert means there is no staff at any of the local home health care agencies to assist me in providing care for Riley. We are considering a move to a more metropolitan area, such as Hampton Roads Virginia near the Hampton VA Medical Center. I have begun what I think will be a FUN fundraiser -- an auction. The items up for bid will be posted on the Facebook page "Escape from Medical Desert" with the payments made through Give Forward fund raising site.

Currently up for bid are some scarves that I made while waiting while Riley was getting treatment; a resume package (I'm told mine are real winners!); and -- the MOST FUN of ALL -- I'm accepting a challenge to SHAVE MY HEAD if the challenge reaches a certain dollar amount.

People can donate cash; participate in the auction; and/or donate items for the auction. Check us out and see how we are doing:

FACEBOOK PAGE (to see the goodies and place a bid):
 https://www.facebook.com/pages/Escape-from-Medical-Desert/614383965333665

Give Forward (to make a donation or pay for your purchase):
https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/0mn6/relocation-from-medical-desert-fund-for-mike-doyne

Help me stay sane while helping Riley get cancer treatment!

Thank you --

Linda (The Immortal Alcoholic's Wife)

He's in rehab! Now what?

You never thought this day would actually become a reality. It seems too good to be true and as you watch him walk into the rehab center, you pinch yourself to make sure you are not dreaming. Even though you know he is safely ensconced into a room and at that very moment he is in a group therapy session, you still think… What if he calls me to come get him? What if he doesn’t handle detox so well? What if… What if..?

It is a restless night for you at the onset of your alcoholic’s rehab journey. The joy is that you wake up in the morning and find that, in spite of the uneasiness, you feel a bit more refreshed than you did on previous nights. Then it hits you – you were more rested because you weren’t subconsciously worried about him burning the house down or falling and cracking his head open. You didn’t have to lock the bedroom door in fear of him going into a drunken rage. Last night you were able to sleep without trepidation and the rest was, OH, so sweet.

Everything is better this morning. The coffee is richer, the sunrise redder, the shower warmer, even the morning news seems to have more positive stories. If you have children, even getting them off to school seems to go without incident – like a well-oiled machine just humming along. So you’ve gotten your morning off to a good start – now what do you do?

There’s always a few days when the alcoholic is out of the house that everything feels fabulously normal. Enjoy it because you really don’t know how long it’s going to last. Besides, I hate to be the bearer of bad news – but you have work to do. It’s all well and good for the alcoholic to be in rehab, but no matter how “well” he gets, if he comes home to the same familiar scenario, he will go back to his old scenarios. So what can you do while he is gone to help the entire family?

Clean house. I know that sounds simple, but it is more complicated that just getting out the broom and mop. When you clean the house this time, you must be a detective. Look for bottles of booze and every imaginable as well as the not so likely places where a bottle can be hidden. With Riley I found bottles hidden the spare tires in the garage, inside the toilet tank, behind the drapery cornice, in the box of Christmas ornaments, in a hole under the sink that opened to the dishwasher space, in the storage shed with the gardening tools, and all the other usual places. I ended up with one entire garbage can of nothing but booze bottles – some empty and some not so much. There wasn’t much room for the regular garbage after my round-up.

I went through the house room by room, cleaning each and every inch of each and every room. It took me about a week to finish the entire house and about 3 days for the outside of the house. I had the cleanest house on the block. It felt so very, very good to know that I now had an alcohol-free environment.

Get support. If you have not tried Al-Anon, give it a go. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to go back. Don’t let support group options stop with Al-Anon. There’s the OARS Group through this blog and other on-line support groups. The idea is – find what works for you and then participate. TALK. Tell your story and how you feel. It will help you find strength.

Find a therapist. One-on-one counseling is immensely helpful for anyone who is living or has lived with an alcoholic. Through a professional counselor, you will learn what your boundaries are that you set for your life. You can learn who you really are and how to go forward in your life.

Family programs through the rehab center. If your alcoholic is in a rehab center that offers a family program, take advantage of it. Don’t worry what the format is, just go and take in everything they have to offer. If that rehab center doesn’t offer a family program (SHAME ON THEM), call around to other local rehab centers and see if they offer anything for family members who do not have a patient in their facility.

Find your passion. Take this time to try things that may interest you – oil painting; basket weaving; baking; writing; photography… anything that you have been curious about, but never had the time to try. Either do it on your own or find a buddy with the same interest. You may even consider taking a class at your local community college or recreation department. Once you find what you like, commit to it. Make a vow that you may not be able to do it as often as you like, but that you will continue as often as humanly possible.

Read blogs. Of course, read MY blog, but there are many others out there with a focus on the family of addicted persons. They all offer excellent information and encouragement. When you see how many blogs there actually are – you will truly know that you are not alone.

Make decisions. There is no guarantee that the alcoholic will be released from rehab and be a changed person. The likelihood that he will relapse is very high. What are you going to do when/if that happens? I know you believe you will keep a positive attitude, but the reality is you must prepare the negative while enjoying the positive. What will your limits be for alcohol in the home? If you should need to separate yourself from the alcoholic, how will you manage to do that? Will he leave or will you? Do you have money saved for that possibility? Prepare now and you won’t be scrambling around wondering what the hell happened when the future turns from bright to bleak.

Understand everything you can about alcoholism. Just because a person is sober doesn’t mean he will be easy to live with or be a loving partner. If the alcoholic stays in a program, the focus will not be on the family, but rather on maintaining the sobriety that has been attained. Where alcohol was the previous mistress, AA or whatever program he is in, will be his mistress now. It’s hard not to take as rejection or abandonment especially when you have done so much for him when he treated you poorly. It is up to you to decide what kind of relationship you want to have – what is acceptable and what is not. You can stay in your relationship, but you may have reconfigure it a bit to meet both parties requirements.

Life with an alcoholic is never easy. It is almost always disappointing when the discovery is made that life with a recovering alcoholic is also not easy. So take this time to clean your house and your mind. Fill those cleaned out spaces with knowledge of yourself, alcoholism and a clear definition of what your life should look whether alone or with the alcoholic. 

Medical Desert

Everyday Riley and I get in the car and travel 100 miles round trip to get his radiation treatments. It takes an hour to get there and an hour to get home. Our appointments are at 7:30 p.m. every evening. We’ll be doing this for about six weeks. It’s a long trip for us and the evening appointments are problematic since I have difficulty seeing after dark. I avoid driving anywhere after sundown. But, it was the only time slot available and the only facility with the equipment needed for the radiation treatments.

It seems that all the medical facilities have become a part of the Vident health care system. Because of that we live in a medical desert. Confused? Well… so was I but I think I’ve figured it out. We had a hospital in our town of Belhaven which served a very large area in the county. But, it was bought by a big conglomerate – Vident – and they closed the hospital doors. Our nearest hospital is 30 miles way in Washington, NC. However, the hospital in Washington is not fully equipped for all situations. Certain medical tests and procedures must be done in the BIGGER hospital in Greenville, NC – 50 miles from our hometown of Belhaven.  OK – so that’s not outrageous for us – but the people who live farther out must travel 75 miles or more, just to get to the hospital in Washington! If you were having a heart attack you could be dead before reaching any kind of medical facility.

One of my readers has created a graphic, as part of a school assignment, which depicts the situation and explains the concept of the “medical desert.” I’ve decided to include it in a post because I REALLY like this graphic and it is an example of an increasing situation around our entire country and not just my little ole home town. Thank you Veronica Russell for making this graphic available for use on this blog. I hope you can read it, but if not, you can find it here: 

http://www.bestmedicaldegrees.com/medical-deserts/

Addiction in Middle Age

I seldom allow rehab centers to have links from my blog to there site if they do not have a family program on their agenda. However, after exchanging many e-mails and lots of thought, I'm allowing Shadow Mountain Recovery to submit the below post which contains a link to their website. Although they do not have a family program yet, the rest of the program seems to fit my requirements for a rehab facility.

My theory is if they get enough requests for a family program, they will start one. An e-mail to their director may help that along a bit.

If you have been to this facility, please comment with a reveiw. Thanks.

Addiction in Middle Age

By Emma Wilson

Addiction isn’t just a problem for youth—at least, not anymore. The trend of drug-related overdoses and deaths is rising among adults even while it declines among adolescents. Today, middle-aged adults are more at risk than any other segment of the population. It’s time we recognize this problem and take action!

Who Is at Risk?

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, the baby boomer generation is especially affected by harder drug use. Why? Both cultural and economic reasons play a part: many of today’s middle-aged population were exposed to drugs at younger ages due to cultural shifts in the 1960s and 1970s (think Woodstock!).

As such, some adults have long-standing addictions that require substances of increasing potency to produce the same “high.”

In addition, the simple economic truth is that a greater number of drugs are more widely available today. And adults entering middle age often have more disposable income—more than their children or grandchildren—leaving them better able to afford an addiction. This includes everything from so-called “hard” street drugs to cigarettes at the local gas station.

Just as we care for young people, adults also need help to recognize symptoms of substance abuse to treat these harmful and potentially life-threatening addictions. The more aware we are of drug dependence and addiction, the more we can help.

Common Addictions

Alcohol. Although the highest percentage of heavy (or binge) alcohol use is among college-aged students, studies show that over 50% of those from 35–60 years of age still report current heavy and binge drinking within the past 30 days.

Why is this a problem? Even though alcohol is legal, heavy drinking leads to a host of undesirable personal and health related outcomes: increased levels of divorce, financial instability, and personal violence included. Of particular note, alcohol-related deaths are on the rise among this population segment—data from the U.S. government indicates that heavy drinking can shorten a life span by as much as 30 years.

Prescription pain medications. As stated here, prescription drug abuse is the leading type of drug abuse among middle aged Americans. Drugs commonly prescribed to relieve pain, such as morphine, Vicodin, Percocet, OxyContin, and a host of other opioids (opium-derived drugs), can become addicting. Speak openly with your doctor about the dangers of such medication. Be aware that the possibility for addiction is especially high if use continues for anxiety and stress relief beyond the prescribed medicinal use.

Avoid the temptation of drug abuse by throwing away medicines after their prescription has expired. If this is too difficult, have a trusted family member or friend do this for you. Abuse of prescription medication is dangerous especially because it can serve as a gateway drug to illegal substances and even petty theft.

Tobacco. We know that tobacco occurs in many forms and is used widely. Nicotine levels—the most addicting part—vary by product, but all are dangerous for health and are generally habit-forming. There are significant health risks, as tobacco use harms every organ in the body, leading to cancer, respiratory problems, and even decreased fertility in both men and women.

The good news: quitting is possible. Some studies suggest that there are more former smokers than current smokers living in the U.S. right now!

Hard Drugs. Those who develop dependence to “lesser” drugs (nicotine, alcohol, or prescription medication) often move on to even more harmful and addictive substances in order to get the same “high.” These include heroin, cocaine, methamphetamines, LSD, and a host of other street drugs—and they each have serious side effects.

The health risks of using drugs are obvious. But use of these drugs is also correlated with increased criminal activity and negatively affects many aspects of ordinary life, including jobs and relationships.

What Will Happen?

If society at large ignores the trend of addictions among adults, the proper steps towards prevention won’t be taken. Ultimately, crime rates and drug-related deaths will continue to increase in the older adult population, especially hitting the baby boomer generation hard. Lifespan expectations may decrease along with quality of life for the older generation.

But there is hope!

Full recovery is possible, even for those with long-standing drug habits. Studies have shown that older adults have higher long-term rates of recovery after treatment and are better able to remain drug and alcohol free. As Michael Botticelli, Acting Director of the National Drug Control Policy, put it, “substance use disorders are diseases that can be prevented, [and] treated, and from which people can recover.”

Recovery

There are many meaningful steps toward recovery from addiction, at any age.

• Choose someone to be accountable to. Unlike an adolescent, you aren’t likely to be living with or even near your parents, so find someone you trust and see regularly—spouse, child, co-worker, or other friend. Tell them about your history of addiction and work together towards transparency. If you relapse, report to them immediately.

• Seek professional help, including health professionals and rehabilitation programs at a treatment center when appropriate. Having this level of support can help you make hard choices and change the direction of your life, which is difficult to do alone.

• Understand the signals. Pay attention to proper dosing levels on all prescription drugs, and talk to your doctor if you feel uncomfortable with the side effects or begin to feel dependent on any medication.

• Make meaningful goals (both related to addiction and to other areas of your life—emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual) and progress towards them.

As real as drug dependence can be, so are the numerous success stories of those who have recovered from substance addiction. Even if substance abuse has been a part of your life for decades, you can do it too!

Before making judgments...

It’s so easy for people who have never experienced life with an alcoholic to make comments or judgments without all the facts. I founded a support group for caretakers of end-stage alcoholics and recently posed a question to all the members. The question is:

What is the ONE thing you would like other people to understand about living with an alcoholic?

The answers to that simple question are not at all as simple as the question. Some of the responders couldn’t answer with only ONE thing. Here are the results:

1. A good woman cannot sort him out. All the understanding, love and compassion in the world is not enough when one is in the grip of this horrible disease.
2. When the question is “Didn’t you know he was an alcoholic when you married him?” The answer is NO!! I didn’t know he was an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
3. Alcoholics are incapable of giving back… they are takers.
4. It IS possible to live with an alcoholic while detaching and protecting yourself. If there is no abuse, you CAN make it work. Please don’t judge me because I stay.
5. You want me to WALK away?? Walking away from my 70 year old father is like putting a child on the freeway and walking away.
6. When others see or interact with the alcoholic, the alcoholic is on his/her best behavior, at home they relax, drink and the crazy train gets rolling.
7. Unless an outsider is living in it, they cannot really understand what it is like as alcoholic’s are good at putting on a show.
8. They are master manipulators.
9. The uncertainty of your future. You don’t know what will happen next, let alone a year, You cannot plan anything.
10. Anyone involved with an alcoholic must light their own candle, feed their own soul, learn to meditate or the non-alcoholic will become sick as well.
11. One great day has no guarantee on the next and vice versa. I love my alcoholic mother as I find her and I walk away when I have had enough.
12. The hardest thing is the secrecy connected to alcoholism. Keeping the family secret of my father’s alcoholism was extremely stressful. When the secret is out, there is then the feeling of betrayal to those who wanted it to remain a secret. But, you don’t stop loving the alcoholic as a person.
13. The alcoholic will say and do anything to get their fix. They are driven, but only toward booze and not toward anything that would take them away from the booze.
14. In one person’s opinion, alcoholism is a form of mental illness. For many, a horrendous event may have happened to drive them to want to “not feel anything.”
15. The almighty bottle is the most important thing in their life, even though they don’t really want to be in it. Many detrimental things can happen such as a loss of the marriage, jobs, children, friends; they may serve time in jail for DUI’s; suffer from injuries and illnesses; and they will still want to drink.
16. It is mentally taxing on the caregiver.
17. Even a happy drunk has an evil side that is abusive and destructive. Alcohol is a mistress who destroys everything in a slow, manipulative and steady manner. It’s a cancer. Early detection has higher percentages of recovery. But let the cancer grow and it will consume not only the alcoholic but everyone surrounding the alcoholic.
18. One person said she wished someone had given her a clue that they had a hint of what she was dealing with in a supportive non-confrontational way. Knowing I wasn’t crazy or alone in dealing with the insanity would have been the best gift towards the healing journey.
19. Leaving or staying is not a simple as it sounds. Before deciding for me what the outsider thinks I should do, they should know all the pros and cons of each direction.

I thought their answers were very open and honest. I also hope that anyone who wants to make a judgment about decisions made by caregivers of an alcoholic, think twice about the question that is about to be asked.

To join either of the two support groups, either the one on Facebook or the one on the independent site, please e-mail with your e-mail address to:

immortalalcoholic@gmail.com

Please up "support group" in the subject line. Both these groups offer support and resources to family and friends of alcoholics without judgment or criticism. OARS F&F = Our Alcoholism Resource and Support (for) Families and Friends.

Just for the kids...

I get a lot of e-mail from parents who want to explain to their children about the other parent’s alcoholism or addiction. It’s a touchy subject and there is always the fear of creating more confusion in trying to explain an already confusing subject. I never sat down and talked to my kids about their father’s use of alcohol. There may have been some dialog – but they knew. There was no way they could NOT know. They overhead the arguments, they suffered their own disappointment in Riley’s lack of attention to their accomplishments, failures and just life in general. My kids didn’t need a book because they were part and parcel to it all.

It isn’t like that in all families. Sometimes the addiction is such a guarded secret from the kids that they just don’t know. Maybe they are too little to understand. Maybe they grew to just accept it as a part of normal life because they didn’t know it WASN’T normal.

Carolyn Hannan Bell is the author of an easily understood book “Daddy’s Disease” and “Mommy’s Disease” which offers an explanation to children with an alcoholic parent. She is a practicing licensed professional counselor specializing in substance abuse, codependency, depression and anxiety.

“Daddy’s Disease” features Tommy, a young boy who doesn’t understand why his father doesn’t want to be with him. Tommy and his dog Murphy are easily relatable characters that are fortunate enough to have a Mommy who explains that Daddy’s disease is called alcoholism. She helps Tommy understand that he is not to blame for his father’s behavior and that his father’s lack of attention is not because he is unloved or unworthy.

Mommy’s Disease follows the same concept with a young girl named Mila.

Both books are available on Amazon.com. You can also order one or both of these books by going to Carolyn Hannan Bell’s website:

http://www.alcoholismhurtskids.com/about-the-author-and-helping-children-understand-book-series.html

Be sure to leave a review in the blog comments and on Amazon.com if you should decide to buy these books for your children.

Paper version!

The Immortal Alcoholic's Wife is now out in a paperback version! It's a real old-fashioned, hold in your hands and pass on to your friends kinda book. You can find it on Amazon.com at the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/Immortal-Alcoholics-Wife-1/dp/1502984083/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414848261&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Immortal+Alcoholic%27s+Wife

The e-book version is still available on Smashwords:

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/286326

Riding the cancer highway...

I haven’t written much here about Riley’s cancer. I’ve been trying to wait until I had all the facts; all the tests were complete; and a treatment plan was in place. It seems to be a slow process for what I consider to be a disease that warrants urgency. I have only limited experience with cancer, so what the heck do I know?

Well I DO know that Riley’s suspicious growth was found on June 26th. I know that he underwent a series of tests. I know that it was a CT scan and a biopsy that finally gave him an “official” diagnosis of colo/rectal cancer on September 24th. I know his cancer includes aggressively growing tumors. Less than three weeks after the removal of his left groin lymph node, he had a new tumor show up and fill the space left by the missing lymph node. Even the oncologist was surprised at the speed that little pecker displayed.

I know that Riley has been poked, prodded, viewed, examined and invaded in ways that no one should have to endure. Through it all, he has persevered. He has not excessively complained about the medical invasions, but rather taken each step as just one more hoop to jump through. He has shown a determination that I wonder if I would have had if the roles were reversed. Of course, there are times when he has shown his dismay and confusion about the steps of the procedures but those moments are overshadowed by his agreeability. I know that I am thankful that he is not fighting the process.

I know I sometimes feel as though I am trying to walk through quicksand. It’s been what seems like an eternity since we first were told that Riley has colo/rectal cancer back in June. There hasn’t been much rest over the past four months. With all the testing, testing and then some more testing, in addition to the surgeries to get the biopsy and the placement of the port for administering the chemo treatments, it’s no wonder we are both exhausted. And now… we start another step in the journey through cancer-land.

It’s a one-hundred mile round trip drive for each visit to Greenville’s cancer center.  Starting on Monday, November 3^rd, we will be making that trip every single day for the next six weeks. It could be longer – or NOT – depending on how things go. The schedule for Monday is to drive to the cancer center in Washington, NC, at 9:00 a.m. where Riley will have some lab tests to determine if he can actually have chemo that day. If all goes according to plan, he will receive the little infusion box that will pump the chemo medicine into his body at a designated rate. Then we will continue on our journey another 30 miles to the cancer center in Greenville, NC. Riley will receive a radiation treatment simulation test and if that works out, he’ll get his first official dose of radiation.

It strikes me that it's a bit ironic that Riley served onboard fast-attack submarines powered with radioactive material for more than 25 years. He wore a little badge that determined how much exposure he had and if he was getting to a danger level. The Navy was very careful to protect the sailors for the hazards of radiation. Now it is purposefully being shot into his body.

Anyway, after his treatments in Greenville, we will drive the 60 miles back home where we will rest as much as possible before returning to Greenville the very next day. We are fortunate, however, because originally the only time slot available was at 7:30 pm. Now we have been reassigned to 1 pm. Since driving at night is difficult since my eyesight gets dim after dark, I’m happy I won’t have to use the “braille driving method” to get him home.

It amazes me that so many people are able to fight cancer and succeed. I don’t know how they do it – not just emotionally, but financially and time-wise. Riley and I are well insured. We have Medicare plus TriCare for Life and between the two coverages; we will not be forever burdened with medical bills. For that I am so very grateful. It isn’t the medical bills that have me adjusting and re-adjusting the budget. It’s all the other stuff that isn’t covered by anything. The cause for concern is the price of gasoline, supplies, and the possibility of the need for a personal aide, as well as finding space on the calendar to meet the combined needs of both of us.

Getting a job sounded like a good idea to me for about ten minutes. Then it was lovingly pointed out to me that in this state, I cannot be a real estate title examiner because I’m not an attorney. Also I’m “over the hill” and the job pool may not extend much past being a Wal-Mart greeter. Oh! Not a pleasant thought. Then there is the time issue. Where on the calendar could I fit in 20 or so hours a week for working away from home? 

A few close friends have made donations of gas cards which help tremendously. Thank you to those of you who surprised me when I opened my mail box and found the cards. There was one very special contribution from a friend of many, many years. She sent some money to my PayPal account and then instructed me that the money was to be used ONLY for something that was NOT cancer or alcoholism related. She suggested I go to the crafts store or take myself to lunch. It just so happened I was on my way to Greenville that day to pick up a disc containing the results of Riley’s last CT scan. I would be going alone and have some time to myself if I wanted.

I walked into JoAnn Fabrics with my coupons in hand. I wanted to get some things to make a couple of Christmas wreaths for my girls. As I was walking in I noticed a bin of bags of yarn. Hmmm… I have been told that I would be spending a lot of time in waiting rooms during chemo and radiation. A bag of yarn might make that waiting a bit more productive. I was thinking… scarves for Christmas presents or afgans. That would take a big bite out of my present list. I picked up a two bags, went in and cautiously completed my shopping while keeping the budget in mind. What happened when I was checking out was the real surprise.

Jonathan, the store manager, was working the register. When he saw that I was buying two bags of yarn he said “If you buy two more bags, I’ll take $2 off per bag.” I thought about it and told him to set aside all the other cart items and we would see what the cost would be. I picked out a few more bags, with the image of scarves in my head, and went to the check-out stand. Jonathan was waiting patiently. We struck up a conversation about why he was trying so hard to get merchandise off the floor. He stopped scanning and said that he would give me a card for 30% off future purchases for three months if I spent at least $50 today.  

Then he asked what I was going to do with all the yarn. I told him that I was going to be spending a lot of time in the chemo/radiation waiting rooms and this would keep me busy without too much fuss. His mother had just received a “cancer-free” diagnosis and our conversation continued. I lost track of what Jonathan was doing, but came to my senses as he said – that will be $50.

WHAT!! He had put everything in bags that I had originally had in my cart – there had to have been at least $80 worth of goodies in those bags. I protested that there must be some mistake. OH NO!! He said – the bill was $50. I handed him my card and he gave me a discount card for 30% off. As I was gathering up the bags, Jonathan mentioned that I might think about the fact that some people get cold during treatments and could probably use one of my scarves.

I thought to myself – what a wonderful way to give back. There is enough yarn to make about 30 scarves. Now, I’m not really much of a crocheter or knitter, nothing I make is ever perfect, but I’m sure I can give some away to the other patients. I sure they won’t care if there are a few flaws.  So all that time waiting will not be non-productive after all.

My friend’s gift of something just for me brightened my day and my outlook. I don’t think I broke her rule of not doing anything cancer related… the cancer was an afterthought. How I wish all of Riley’s cancer issues could just be a simple, little, tiny, afterthought. Oh well…