Trust

Sometimes I make a decision and this little voice gets into my head and whispers “Rethink your decision” or “Great idea”. It’s disturbing, really. I may be totally confident in my decision but once the little voice steps in, I begin to doubt my reasoning process. I think and rethink, process and reprocess, decide and undecide.

It’s not just the big decisions, it could be something as simple as what flavor ice cream to buy. You should see me buying bed sheets off the internet. OH Boy! What a conundrum!

Finally, I’ve reached a point where I am starting to trust myself to make the right decision for the circumstance. I will listen to that little voice and I’ll check myself, but I won’t dwell on it as I have in the past. I’m so proud of myself – it only took me an hour to decide on which pair of sandals I wanted. Believe me, that’s progress!

But there’s a deeper trust issue that inspired me to write this post. That’s the issue of trusting our kids to make the right decision. When kids are young children, they need assistance in making choices. They lack experience and are unable to see the possible consequences of their decisions. So, I’m not talking about the very young, this post is for the older child – closer to adulthood and beyond.

A parent asked her high school graduating son if he wanted her to encourage the boy’s alcoholic father to attend the celebration. The boy’s response was that he didn’t care if the father was in attendance or not. The mother wasn’t sure if this was the correct decision because this would be a “once in a lifetime” event and the father might regret not being there. The son might regret not having his father there. Should she intervene and remind the father of the ceremony? What if he comes and makes a scene? So many questions making the decision more difficult.

In my opinion, it’s not the mother’s decision to make. The young man already decided that it makes no difference to him if his father is there or not. If he wants his father, it is up to him to remind the father or to ask the mother to remind him. The mother should not step in unless the graduate asks her. The decision is up to the young man.

By the time a child graduates high school, they have already learned valuable life lessons. It is time to put those lessons to use. The child has advanced to being the captain of his own boat. The parents can advise, support and observe, but should not make the final decision. As parents, we may not like or approve. It’s difficult to watch as they take a walk towards a cliff but we, as parents, must let them make their own mistakes and learn from them.

We must trust that we did the best we could to teach our kids right from wrong and to look both ways before crossing the street. We can try to continue to tell them what to do, but believe me when I say, they WILL stop listening.

Don’t worry because as the years pass you will eventually find yourself asking your kids for their advice. As the world changes, technology changes, and/or standards change, we may find it hard to keep up in the ever seeming faster paced world. I know. I can’t figure out my cell phone without my daughter’s help. It’s frustrating.

We must trust that we did as good a job as we possibly could while they grow up with an extra issue of alcoholism in the household or family. We must trust our kids to have learned our life lessons. If we don’t, we are doomed to live in a sea of doubt and worry. That’s not where I want to spend my later years of life. I trust my kids and grandkids. In fact, sometimes I think they are smarter than me. 

Light with black

In my deepest of dark moments, I still can see a bare speck of light. But if I blink or look away when I look again, the speck is gone. It alternates that way – deep black with the light and then nothing but black. I wonder if it will ever be light with bit of black so I keep looking.

Over the past few months, while I’ve been rather silent, I thought about retiring this blog and all things about alcoholism. I thought about just letting it go. There’s so much that I’ve wanted to do and have not accomplished. There’s so much that needs to be done without the time or money to do it.

This journey of the blog has been long and hard. I keep going by putting one foot in front of the other but it’s like walking through quicksand. I take breaks. I try to shift my focus. But, my status as an alcoholic’s wife and caregiver are still there – almost haunting me.

I find myself so angry with anyone claiming to be an alcoholic that I have no words for them. The fact remains that the alcoholic was not the one that was meant to receive the most advantage from my blog. I wanted to give my support to people just like me – a non-alcoholic faced with caregiving an alcoholic. Doesn’t matter how we got here. It matters that we are here and in need of some information, encouragement, support or just some plain truth.

The whole point was that we would get better and eventually move on from the world of alcoholism to a world ruled only by you. It’s not easy and often nearly impossible under circumstances beyond your control. No matter. I’m here and taking care of a sober alcoholic who is still in denial and has all those ugly alcoholic traits like narcissism and altered memories.

There are times when it can be humorous if you’re in a state of mind when you can let humor into your thoughts.

For example, Riley was reminiscing and trying to remember where he had worked and who his workmates were. He kept thinking I was working in the same place as he was. But I never did. He asked me why didn’t I remember the cute little typist who was assigned to typing his tech manuals. I was patient (well… I tried to be patient) explaining that I never worked there. When he started trying to name off all the women he slept with at each work place, I wanted to throw the TV at him. The final straw was him telling that the cute little typist could F*** all night long. I left the room.

That could have had a humorous little slant to it rather than generating irritation. After I left the room, I called Carrot and told her what had just happened. She burst into belly-aching laughter. She then told me how I could have played into it and said things that would have turned things from hurtful to humorous.

I could have claimed to be that cute little typists or all of the women whose name he could not remember. I could have made up stories about being in his office and create scenarios that would have baffled him. By the time we finished talking about it, I was also rolling on the floor. I’m thankful to have someone in my life who always makes me laugh.

A follower told me that my posts recently had turned dark. I’ve been going through a dark time without much of a speck of light. There’s nothing to do but keep trying to find some kind of humor which will keep the light shining. Even if the light is far off in a distant black hole, I must keep encouraging it to glow. Otherwise, it might burn out forever.

Lost --- My killer instinct

I guess I’m just not good at killing people. I confess that I have, in the past, tried to ignore the pleas from Riley to “help him.” But when it comes right down to it – I just can’t do it.

Riley has been in and out of hospice a lot over the past couple of years. But, I guess I’m also not a very good participant as the caregiver of someone in hospice. Or maybe, just maybe, hospice failed me.

Early in January Riley lost his sense of where he was or who he was or when it was. He drifted into his imaginary world of submarines and destroyers where there is a constant battle with an imaginary enemy. This time the enemy was anyone he knew. His imaginary crew members were the only ones he trusted.

All of this type of behavior usually points to a urinary tract infection. A round of Cipro was ordered but it had no effect at all. I kept asking for help from hospice, but they would only say that they didn’t know what was going on. They did say that whatever was happening had nothing to do with him being at end of life. In fact, hospice just kept saying, we don’t know… we don’t know, but he is not dying. Well, they are medical professions – aren’t they? Surely, they must have seen this before – haven’t they?

I was confused. I watched as Riley slipped deeper into his fantasy world. The color of his urine was not right and his output was very low. If this was how it was to progress to the end, so be it. But, if what was happening had nothing to do with the end being in sight – wasn’t I obligated to get him some help?

After another day or two, I cancelled hospice, called the paramedics and took him to the emergency room. They admitted him and after many tests I was told that he had the worst infection in the history of the hospital and if I had not brought him in when I did he would have been dead within two days. Oh my gosh!! What had I done!?! I saved a life when he did not want to be saved. Or so he says…

Since he now was out of hospice, I would have no one to help with bathing him or caring for him. I was on my own again. After a discussion with the hospital social worker, I decided for him to go into a nursing/rehab facility. While there he would have physical therapists to help him regain the strength to get himself into the wheel chair. That would be a big help for me.

Riley will be in the nursing home until the end of March. Then he will come home if I can’t find a way to pay for him to stay long term, which is highly unlikely.

In the meantime, when I visit Riley, he is mean and accusatory because I did not let him die. And if I won’t let him die, I should supply him with alcohol. It’s been nearly five years since Riley has drank and STILL he keeps asking for his beloved drink. When he starts his raves about how I must take care of him because I did not let him die, I tell him I’m going and leave.

I try to think of how it would be easier for me to let him die if things had gone down a different path. I believed hospice would stay at my house while Riley was dying so the burden would not be totally on me. I thought they would provide me support so I could see it through. But, I was alone.

How ironic that I feel that if I had been a better person, I would have been able to do nothing and wait for whatever the outcome would be. So, I’d be a better person if I had let him die.

I wonder how assassins manage to put morals aside to do their job. Not sure how to resolve this issue and still be able to live with myself.

Interview with Neal

A couple of weeks ago, I spoke to Neal about how he was doing now that the Risky Drinking documentary has aired. I wanted to know what he had been doing since the film completed until now. He was hesitant to talk to me but not for the reason that you might assume.

Neal and his wife, Kathy, have been long time readers of this blog. I had many e-mails from Kathy and knew that her husband had faced difficulties around his drinking. He was drinking excessively when I referred the HBO producers to them as potential subjects for the upcoming film. The hope was that working on the film would give him a new insight into how his drinking was ruining his life and relationships with those closest to him.

He made many attempts to get and stay sober. He even allowed the film crew to be at his hospital bedside while he was detoxing. Neal was serious about stopping even though it may have seemed he was not the least bit interested in sobriety.

After the filming was complete, he went to several rehabs outside of his home state. He finally settled down in Louisiana and it was there that he decided to try one more time. This time he had a renewed determination to make it all work. He made the decision to become totally abstinent and this time his hard work paid off.

It was a long hard road and Neal slowly walked each step. Eventually, he renewed his relationship with Kathy and they began courting as though they had just met. It was a new beginning and Neal was well aware that this would be his last chance with the woman he loved.

Neal has been sober for more than a year. He is happy. He is calm. He is working his own program that works for him. He has no anxiety attacks and he is healthier than he has been in years.

He told me that he simply made a decision to not be drunk even though the simple decision was difficult to achieve. He says he found the whole thing easier once he accepted the fact that he could not drink ever again.

Neal took a less stressful job in order to simplify his life. It involves long hours and hard work, but he says it’s just what he needs. He spends less time with his grandson but his time is of a much higher quality. He likes this new life.

So why was Neal hesitant to talk to me? Because he doesn’t want any fame or notoriety. He wants to fade into the background so as not to have the pressure from public exposure. He wants to remain private and asks just to be left alone so he can enjoy his peaceful life.

He explained that he doesn’t want alcohol or alcoholism to be the center of his life. If he is constantly in contact with the people involved with the film, alcohol would still be his focus. That’s not what he wants. Letting alcohol go means moving forward and not letting it occupy your mind and thoughts. Neal says he has better things to think about and do.

I’ve assured Neal that my readers will respect his right to let him move on and put his past behind him. 

Addicts are not the only victims

Below is a guest post sent to me by Foundations Recovery Network. Lots of great graphics and relevant statistics. 

Addiction has the power to destroy many things in someone’s life. A passion, a future, a career…but most importantly, it can destroy a family. The family plays a critical role before someone’s journey down the road to addiction takes place, and is as important in recovery and aftercare support.

Loved ones can be a primary influence in the daily life of someone who abuses alcohol or drugs. These loved ones can range from co-workers, extended family members, parents, children, siblings and close friends. As of 2013 about 43% of U.S. adults - 76 million people - have been exposed to alcoholism in their family. These people have either grown up with an alcoholic family member, or have had a spouse or family member become addicted during adulthood. The most concerning part is that the younger generations are also being exposed more and more to this epidemic, specifically from their parents. It is said that an estimated 8 million children in the U.S. have at least one substance abusing parent. Of this number, parents are 2.7 times more likely to be abusive and 4.2 times more likely to neglect their children. The number of children being raised by their grandparents has also grown (to 4.9 million in 2010) primarily due to addiction and mental health disorders. 

Part of the nation’s effort in breaking the stigma associated with substance abuse is so that loved ones can have a constructive conversation with their addicted family member. This starts with being educated on the habits and signs of an addict. A lot is said on how loved ones can be enablers by giving the addict attention, money, and letting them continue their use simply to “protect” them. The loved one is scared to say something or doesn’t know how to help them. However, it’s also true that the addict himself can enable their loved ones; begging for money, help bailing them out of jail or getting to where they need to be, ignoring help from their loved one, and so on. We know it’s because of the substance that the addict is acting this way and not who they truly are. But this substance causes selfish, lying, stealing, threatening and manipulative behavior. The family member gets scared and confused and doesn’t know how to help the addict without offending them or starting an argument.

So, how can you spot alcoholism in a loved one? Here are some ways:

-The person is tempted and obligated to make alcohol a part of everyday life

-The person has an increased tolerance

-The person is unwilling to stop drinking

-The person has withdrawal symptoms when refraining to drink

-The person is ashamed of his drinking

-The person’s life suffers as a result of drinking

         

What to Do When It’s True:

                   -Hire a professional interventionist

                   -Plan an Intervention

                   -Conduct the Intervention

         

Steps of Treatment:

                   -Find a rehab that will meet all your family’s needs

                   -Family Therapy

                   -Aftercare Support

The process of working with an addicted loved one can be stressful and challenging. Attending family therapy and recovery sessions can be a key part in maintaining a healthy mind and body. It can help family and friends concentrate on what they have lost during the other’s addiction, and what problems they still seem to be recovering from even after the addict gets help. This type of recovery and treatment may be different depending on the ages and relationships in question. Family therapy is important because it helps the group as a whole get back to their own identity instead of putting all the effort they have into taking care of the addict.

The addict is ultimately responsible for their own recovery, but it’s also important for the loved one to be supportive along the journey. If the addict respects and supports the loved one, and can even participate in their recovery as well, the whole family unit can find healing.

Family therapy and recovery will build strength and effective communication within each individual and their relationship with each other. Understanding of the loved one’s addiction and recovery will develop as well. This will help prevent generations of addiction to continue in your family, and help to be open with each other about problems or events that may lead up to a potential addiction or relapse.

There are 23 million people struggling with addiction and mental health illnesses. Only 3 million are seeking help. Addiction is a disease, and it effects everyone around them. Skywood’s mission is to reach out to the other 20 million who are not seeking help. Break the stigma, and reach out for help. We are just a phone call away.

Written by: Foundations Recovery Network

Private & Confidential Line: (877) 345-3395

SOURCES:

http://blackbearrehab.com/blog/family-therapy-important-part-recovery-curriculum/

http://blackbearrehab.com/family-members-manual-addiction-treatment/

http://theoakstreatment.com/addiction-therapy/family/

https://www.bhpalmbeach.com/recovery-articles/impact-substance-abuse-and-addiction-families#footnote13_stffzrn

http://www.alcoholism-statistics.com/family-statistics/

http://www.dualdiagnosis.org/drug-addiction/economic-status/

http://www.chicagotribune.com/sns-health-addiction-families-story.html

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency

http://www.dualdiagnosis.org/drug-addiction/relationships-and-addiction/

New Year 2017

The New Year is upon us but I find myself looking backward. I suppose I’m reflecting on the events of 2016 and wondering where the year went. Each year passes by so quickly.

Some of the highlights of 2016 were health issues for me; viewing the premiere of HBO’s Risky Drinking; going to New York City; spending craft time with my great-grandkids; hiring an aide; and, Riley is still immortal.

I have plans for 2017. At the beginning of every year I make plans. Lots and lots of plans. So many plans that no human being could complete them in a series of New Years. I don’t do resolutions – I do plans. In short, I bite off far more than I can chew. I’m going to try to be more realistic this year. (Does that mean I’m making a resolution?)

In the year 2017 I will be working with a partner to create a documentary film about living life inside the chaos of a loved one’s alcoholism. It will be a collection of home videos from volunteers willing to document the complexity of their lives. There will be more information forthcoming. If you think you might be interested drop me an e-mail.

My blog posts will become a book. The posts will be indexed by topic and date making it easy to find posts that will be relevant to you. For those who want to “catch up” on the blog’s history, this will be an easy way to look back and not have to search the blog for what you are looking for.

There will be more guests posts on the blog. These guests will include rehab centers for my alcoholic readers. I’ll be lifting my criteria that to accept a rehab center for a post they must have a family program. However, I prefer rehab centers with some kind of unique draw to them.

I will attempt a webinar and seminars based on “Surviving the Chaos” workbook. The workbook will be used in conjunction with the presentations. Get your copy now so you can go through it before the date is set.

2017 will be a year of fixing this old body. I’ll be having four surgeries. So, while I’m recovering, I’ll be doing a lot of computer work for The Immortal Alcoholic.

If previous years are any indication – Riley will remain immortal – again.

I’m making an attempt at staying realistic, so I think I should stop there.

Have no doubt… things will change. Things will be added and deleted. If I’ve learned nothing over the past 68 years, I have certainly learned that nothing is set in stone. All things are subject to change in the blink of an eye. There will be change in 2017 and years after. It’s one of those things that us humans cannot control.

On the other hand, some things won’t change – won’t ever change. Those are the things that we must accept and work around, through, over and under until we find a way to live with whatever the issue is.

Riley will not change. He will continue his slow, but steady, downward spiral until his immortality runs out. This, I accept, as something I cannot control.

The most important thing I will do in 2017 is to take time for myself. Let my body heal after the surgeries. Let my psyche heal from the stress of anything going on around me. I will take naps, go shopping, sew and craft stuff, watch old movies… I will live my life and be happy to be alive.

What does your 2017 look like?

An Alcoholic Version of a Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house

Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse;

 The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

            In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

            While visions of household peace danced in their heads;

And mamma in her kerchief, fell quickly to sleep,

            And I with my nightcap, had just settled in to finish my bottle of scotch;

I had dozed off for a minute when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my recliner to see what was the matter.

 Away to the window I flew with a staggering stumble,

            Tore the ottoman and pulled the curtains off the window.

The moon, on the breast of the new-fallen snow,

            Gave such a luster of midday to objects below,

When, what to my wondering, hard to focus, eyes should appear,

            But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver so lively and quick,

            I knew in a moment it must be my drinking buddy Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

            They must be the guys from Roscoe’s Bar down the street,

And Nick whistled and shouted and call them by names I did not know:

“Now, Dasher! Now Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!

            On Comet! On, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall,

            Now, dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

            When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the housetop the guys all flew,

With the sleigh, full of liquor and Nick, too.

And then, in a twinkle, I slipped and fell on my head,

            Passed out until morning when,

The children thundered down the stairs searching for their bounty.

At first I had no recollection of how the curtains were pulled off the window,

            Or how scotch was spilled all over the floor.

But I knew something was not quite right with last night.

           Why can’t the kids stop squealing and why is my wife crying?

Can’t they see the pain in my head?

           With my vodka coffee in my mug, I hide in the bathroom to regain some reality.

I know it wasn’t a midnight hallucination,

            Nick and his buddies had visited my house in the dead of night.

But Nick says no, I must have seen St. Nicholas and his tiny reindeer.

I went to my computer and looked up rehab centers close to my home,

            My Christmas dinner was served to me there,

Because, I couldn’t rationalize all those reindeer on my roof,

            And maybe someone else will clean up all that poop in my yard.

Next year, will be different I’m sure,

            For sobriety paints a different picture and composes a new poem.

Hallucinations dash away, dash away all,

           Christmas will be pleasant in my home

So, I'm wishing everyone a Happy Christmas one and all!

Risky Drinking Review

Did you watch the Risky Drinking film? What did you think of it?

I liked the film very much. The fact that I advised HBO through an entire segment makes me unable to give an impartial opinion. Even though I like the film, after watching it for the second time, I realized that I am desensitized to the yukky parts of alcoholism. Hospitalization to detox and watching someone’s hands shaking is a bit ho-hum to me.

For me the concern was the 15-year-old boy taking care of his alcoholic father and the wife of the end-stage alcoholic who helps her husband go back into his job while in a drunken state. Those were the scenes that made me want to jump out of my seat and scream at the TV.

Let’s break this down by segment. In the first one, we see a young woman, Kenzie, who doesn’t do much drinking during the work week so that she feels comfortable binge drinking on the weekends. I know this is considered to be “fun” in her generation. But, I can’t understand why someone purposely gets drunk and begins the evening with laughter and always ends in tears. That’s not fun to me. But, I'm not a drinker. The fact is that binge drinking is just another form of alcoholism. I was disturbed with the young woman’s behavior while she was drinking and appalled at her reasoning for why it was all “OK.”

In the segment where a man, Mike, is having his teenage son visit him at his tropical island home over spring break was especially infuriating. The father wants the boy to come live with him rather than living with his mother in the states. At one point the father actually says he needs his son to come and help take care of him. What? What parent says that or expects that?

During this segment the man and his wife try to reconcile, but the effort ends up in a verbal confrontation. I was not shocked by the illogical reasoning that was spewing from the husband’s mouth. The inability to see how his behavior has ruined his marriage is a common trait among alcoholics. The scene could have come from any alcoholic home at almost any time. It’s not uncommon to those of us who have been a party to such arguments.

The entire time I was watching, I was thinking about that 15-year-old boy who has most likely seen this type of encounter between his parents many times over. I wanted to snatch the boy from inside my TV and run off with him to keep him safe. I wanted to make sure he had “normal” years of what is left of his childhood. On the other hand, how would I know what “normal” is since I’m the wife of an alcoholic?

Next, we have Noel and Rhonda. I’m not really sure what Rhonda’s function was in the film except that she was the introduction of Noel. I don’t think Noel is the only one with a problem in the group of women that share her happy hour enjoyment. My problem with Noel is that I did not see her drinking or drunk in front of her kids. I didn’t see her children suffering the way I know many children suffer. Maybe she is the tip of the iceberg and the assumption is that people will use their imagination to determine how bad things are. Unless you’ve lived it, I don’t see how anyone can simply use their imagination.

Noel was interesting because she used a new program called “Moderation Management” to help her control her drinking. It seemed to be working for her. I was happy her segment was in the movie because it reinforces my opinion that 12 step programs are not the only ones that can provide help to alcoholics. The fact that Noel seemed to be happy in her choice of programs and it was helping her, makes this segment worthwhile.

My personal favorite segment was the story of Neal. Maybe because I was the one who introduced the HBO producers to the couple. Neal’s wife, Kathy, has been a long-time follower of my blog and had written me many e-mails way before the film was even conceived. I believed they were the perfect candidates for filming. I was right.

Neal struggled through the film and yet was willing to have his life become an open book in order to show people how bad it could really get. What you see in the film is only a drop in the bucket compared to the reality of Neal’s life. What you don’t see in the film is the verbal argument between Kathy and the doctors at the hospital who did not want to admit Neal for detox. She takes a strong stand until the hospital agrees to take Neal into intensive care. I admire HBO for pushing the hospital administration to allow them to film Neal while he was hospitalized. Kathy and Neal stood behind HBO and between them they received their permission for filming.

I never wish anything bad to happen, but I had hoped the detox would be a bit more eventful than it was. Everyone was prepared for hallucinations and other horror factors, but Neal was fortunate to have an easy detox.

The most important thing for me to witness was the look on Kathy’s face as she attempts to get her husband to the detox center in Florida. You can clearly tell it was the last straw for her and I could feel her pain as I watched. Any alcoholic’s wife knows the look; knows the feeling of despair and sense of loss.

This is a must-see film for anyone who suspects that they may be drinking too much. But for me the real story is in the family. It is the teenage boy and his mother and the wife of the seemingly immortal alcoholic. That’s the true story of how extensive the damage can be amidst the chaos of alcoholism.

After watching this film, be sure to visit the website and read where these participants are now. You will find it to be very interesting.  http://www.hbo.com/documentaries/risky-drinking/synopsis/where-are-they-now.html

I was supposed to have been listed on the resource page of the website for this film, but alas, I seem to have been left on the cutting room floor. For the family and friends of alcoholics, there is a new forum site open and waiting for your participation. It's a baby forum so please be patient while we build our membership. Go go https://oarsfamilysupport.weebly.com/.

Merry Christmas or Bah Humbug!

It’s THAT time of year again. You know the one where everyone is full of love and kindness, hope and dreams, and, let’s not forget, jolly laughter. Instead of saying “Have a nice day,” you now hear “Have a Merry Christmas!” Those politically correct will say “Happy Holidays!” But for many of us, we just go with the flow while the words repeated in our heads are “Just let me get through this.”

Christmas and the holiday season is not always a joyful time in some of our lives. We go through the motions, such as buying the gifts, sending the cards, making the cookies and kissing under the mistletoe. We’d rather be curled up on the sofa with the dog, cat and a good book with the sounds of “Hotel California” coming from the stereo. No tree, gifts, egg nog, or any other such reminders of the season.

It may seem a bit harsh to the hardy, enthusiastic holiday lovers, but many people just want to be left alone. These are the people who have found themselves in a position of being alone during the season. Or they may as well be alone because they are attached to an alcoholic who manages to destroy every holiday on the calendar.

Some of the gifts an alcoholic may give loved ones would be, falling into the Christmas tree and breaking most of the ornaments and gifts; spiking the egg nog to the point where you can’t have a candle next to the punch bowl for fear of catching the entire block on fire; going to the store for a loaf of bread and never returning or, even worse, having an accident; getting into arguments with other family members because the alcoholic doesn’t like the color of someone’s shirt; and then, there one of my particular favorites – his mistress shows up at the front door baring gifts for the alcoholic’s wife and kids. (Really! That happened to me!)

Fortunately, I am no longer in a position where Riley’s drinking can ruin my holiday. But, the memories remain and while others are reminiscing their holidays past, I must reach deep to find holidays that are worth remembering.

When I was living alone and was 3,000 miles from my kids, I preferred to celebrate by myself without the Christmas fanfare. It was less painful then going to parties and dinners and watching happy couples and gleaming kids’ faces.

Now that I’m living closer to the kids and their kids, I still don’t do much over the holidays. I sit back and watch as my daughter and grand-daughter-in-law take the lead and do the planning, cooking, etc. I enjoy the view. After all the years of being the organizer and the one who sees it through, I rather like not having the responsibility.

Sometimes, back when I was alone for Christmas, I still wanted to feel that feeling of giving to others. I volunteered at a soup kitchen on Christmas day. I mended coats to be given to those who had none. I wrote letters from Santa and made phone calls to children on Christmas Eve while playing the part of Mrs. Claus. I went to Christmas plays and sang carols in the shower. All that soothed the open wound of being alone at Christmas.

I don’t really hate this season but I’m not in love with it. I’m not one of those people who count the days from Independence Day to December 25^th. I just let it happen and go with whatever the kids want.

This wreath for sale --
email me for information

Christmas can be a very depressing time. If you find that you fit that description, you can go into hibernation from December 24-25^th. Plan for it. Shop for it. Look forward to it. Get some DVDs of your favorite non-holiday movies and the same for music. If you make it an event to welcome, you will find you may not be so depressed. You could invite other non-holiday revelers to share your celebration of not celebrating.

If you are still in a Christmas mood, you could try doing some of the things that I did, like serving in a soup kitchen. It might make things easier for a little while. Then you can go back to mumbling “Bah Humbug!”

Whatever you do, just remember it’s only a couple days and then it’s over. It’s temporary, so don’t make a permanent decision around a temporary situation.

Surviving the Chaos -- Caregiving the Caregiver

A great gift for anyone who is a caregiver. It's not just for caregivers of alcoholics, but any caregiver.

Find out who you really are and what you want to do with your life. You are the most important person in your life. Use the tools in this book to take care of yourself better.

Available on https://www.amazon.com/dp/1540478483/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1481889208&sr=1-3&keywords=Surviving+the+Chaos

Surviving the Chaos is Now Available!

NOW AVAILABLE!!

Surviving the Chaos

Caregiving the Caregiver

It's time to take care of yourself. Sometimes we forget that we are even a part of the human race. I often feel that my life, needs, desires are not elements to be considered. The alcoholic is the only person that matters.

NO MORE! I am important. My life does matter. I'm not willing to give up my health or dreams to make sure that someone else is protected. The most important person to take care of in my life is ME.

Surviving the Chaos explains how to take the leap from being simply a caregiver to being a caregiver to myself first. Learn about physical, mental, financial health, time management and how to discover who you really are and what you want. Through worksheets and explanations, this book is a one-of-a-kind must have for anyone who is caregiving an alcoholic or simply has one in their life.

To order now:

 https://www.createspace.com/6727428

or go to Amazon.com and see all the books written by me and available for sale. Go to Amazon.com and search for "Linda Bartee Doyne."

Caretaker versus Caregiver

After I finished writing the new book, Surviving the Chaos, I sent it to the proofreader to find all my typos, inconsistencies and other errors. I had titled the book and added a phrase, Caretaking the Caregiver. As soon as the proofer received my manuscript, she immediately telephoned me.

“We have a problem,” she says. Then she patiently went on to explain to me the difference between a caretaker and a caregiver. Oops… I had made a big mistake and needed to make a few (a lot) of changes. Well… that’s why I hire a proofreader.

Caretaker – A person employed to look after a public building or a house in the owner’s absence such as a janitor, custodian, superintendent, maintenance man/women, etc.

Caregiver – A family member or paid helper who regularly looks after a child or a sick, elderly or disabled person.

As I’m making the changes, my mind drifts off (more so than usual) and I start thinking about caretaking and caregiving.

Hmmm… sometimes it feels as though I’m more of a caretaker than a caregiver. Sometimes it feels that I’m attending to an object rather than a person. I guess I do because I’m keeping Riley’s room clean and free of dust, dirt, and smelly things. So if I’m taking care of his room, I would be a caretaker.

However, I’m also taking care of a person inside that room and for that part of this whole thing, I’m a caregiver. Does that make me a caretaking caregiver? Or a caregiving caretaker?

It doesn’t really matter because most of the time I feel that I’m simply a servant. Riley often announces that he expects me to be his employee whose job is to meet his every need. I don’t receive a paycheck for being his employee, instead I should be happy to be in a position of taking care of him. I don’t know why he thinks it would be such a privilege to change his soiled underwear of pick his remote up off the floor a dozen times a day. But, in his atrophied brain it all makes sense to him.

Sometimes I forget that I must treat him like a child rather than an adult. He looks like an adult. He talks like an adult. But, alas, he is not. He is a 12-year-old boy in a man’s body. He is at the stage where he believes the world should revolve around him. There’s nothing to be done about it, so I simply play into it. That keeps me a bit saner.

If Riley were an object rather than a person, my life would be so much easier. I could simply dust him off and place him back on the bed. He wouldn’t be able to talk to I wouldn’t have to respond to his every question. No cooking him meals or feeding his internal cookie monster.

The reality is that he IS a person. No matter what he has put me through in our couple history, he is still human. In order to take care of him, I separate all that hurt and anger from the past from what is going on now. In my mind the past is put into a box and placed on my closet shelf. I don’t take it down and go through it for old time’s sake. It’s best left alone. If I go through it, all those memories would be in the forefront of my brain and I wouldn’t be able to do what I need to do for Riley.

When I took him back into my home I never imagined things would go so far for so long. Caregiving to this degree was never my intent. But things have a way of happening in directions we never imagine. So, until I can hire someone else to do it, I’m a caretaking caregiver and I know the difference.

Risky Drinking, a must-see film

I’ve been in New York City for the past couple of days. I was invited to the preview showing of the HBO film, Risky Drinking. I happily put Riley into a nursing home for respite and headed off to take a bite out of the Big Shiny Apple! I’ll write about the trip in another post because for now – it’s all about Risky Drinking.

There were four subjects who consented to have their lives filmed over a course of time.

Kenzie is a young professional who manages to keep her life in order during the work week and then “lets go” on the weekend. What starts out as fun and games always seems to end up with tears and apologies.

Mike moves to St. Thomas, Virgin Islands, to start a new career and a new life. His teenage son comes to visit him and ends up “taking care” of his father. After the boy returns home, Mike attempts to reconcile with his wife, but the attempt ends in disaster.

Rhonda uses alcohol as a coping mechanism and participates in a weekly happy hour with three other women. One of the women, Noel, a divorced mother of two, uses wine to escape her negative feeling. Noel begins to lose her ability to control her drinking.

Neal, a father of two grown children, is at the end-stages of alcoholism. He struggles to function but seems unable to stop his self-destructive behavior. His second wife, Kathy, finds herself attending to him as she would a child.

I was surprised and almost felt a bit guilty as parts of the film made me break out in laughter. It wasn’t really that I thought what was happening was funny. It was that it was so absurd that it was comical. I wanted to yell out to the screen – “Are you KIDDING me??” It was the same reaction I had when observing any drunken person trying to give a sound reasonable explanation for why they are drinking; why it’s OK for them to drive; why their children’s needs aren’t really that important; or any other thing that they needed to explain.

There was no laughter as the film showed Neal in his various states of drunkenness. There was a segment where Neal had been admitted to the hospital for detox. The scenes of him interacting with his grandson were touching and would seem to be a very important reason for Neal to stop drinking. But he does not. His wife, Kathy, is frustrated and ready to divorce him.

This film is a must-see for anyone who believes they may be drinking more than they should. If you can see yourself in any of the four scenarios, it would indicate that it’s time to get some help.

Another aspect to this film that I don’t believe the producers planned for is the behavior and actions of the people who were not the subjects. It was a side effect that needed to be shown. In fact, the subject of the silent collateral damage left in the wake of alcoholism deserves a film all on its own.

Be sure to watch RISKY DRINKING on HBO at 8 pm (EST) on December 19^th, 2016.

Risky Drinking Premiere

From time to time you've read about my collaboration with HBO for their documentary film on alcoholism.

RISKY DRINKING

An HBO documentary film

Premieres

December 19, 2016 at 8:00 p.m.

(Eastern and Pacific Time)

This film challenges viewers to recognize and evaluate their own risky drinking behaviors. The film follows four case studies who are in a broad spectrum of risky drinking stages. Addiction experts explain the science behind the alcohol abuse disorder and provide statistics about its prevalence and hazards.

RISKY DRINKING was directed by Ellen Goosenberg Kent; produced by Ellen Goosenberg Kent and Perri Peltz; segment director, Perri Peltz; supervising editor, Geeta Gandbhir; editor, Alex Keipper. For HBO: senior producer, Sara Bernstein; executive producer, Sheila Nevins.

A MUST-SEE FOR ALL MY READERS!

Other HBO playdates: Dec. 22 (10:10 a.m., 11:50 p.m.), 24 (1:15 p.m.), 27 (5:15 p.m.) and 30 (3:00 p.m., 2:15 a.m.), and Jan. 8 (1:35 p.m.)

HBO2 playdates: Dec. 21 (2:10 a.m.) and 24 (10:35 p.m.)

The documentary will also be available on HBO NOW, HBO GO, HBO On Demand and affiliate portals.

I'm looking forward to reading your comments after you view the film.

Til death do we part...

I hate it when I get e-mails from people who have lost a loved one to alcoholism. My heart breaks for them and all I want is to hold them like a baby to ease the pain. I remember the unbearable stabbing in my heart when Captain Morgan stole my son from me.

I slugged my way through the memorial service with fake smiles and nods as loving friends and family took my hand and told me how sorry they were. My mind raced with sarcastic comments – they weren’t as sorry as I was and NO, I didn’t believe he was better off now. Instead I simply nodded and said “Thank you for coming.”

My older brother died of leukemia. I had the same feeling when he died that I did when my son died. Leukemia stole my brother and I didn’t think he was now in a much better place. His place was with

Not so simple to survive, thrive, flourish

Lately, I’ve been hot on writing the new book. It’s about surviving the chaos when care giving an alcoholic. It could really be used for any type of care giving situation, but I’m focusing on alcoholism. I want to give you a glimpse inside the book in today’s blog post.

Between the covers you will find poems, cartoons, published blog posts, explanations, exercises, forms, tips for maintaining sanity, and lots of information. Discover who you really are and what you

Medicare -- Not a Knight in Shining Armour

There is some confusion within the general population of our country. The confusion is that it is easy to place a person into a facility. Nothing could be further from the truth unless you are extremely wealthy or planned well for you golden age back when you were rockin’ with Dick Clark.

Let me make this perfectly clear, Medicare does NOT pay for any type of long-term care in a facility. There are certain cases where they will cover up to six-weeks of care after a 3-day hospital stay. Let

Much ado about...

It’s been a trying week or so. I feel like a pinch hitter in the batting cage with a nerf bat trying to hit hard balls from a pitching machine stuck on the highest setting. No matter how hard I try to fend them off, those balls are coming at me at rocket speed. They have a mind of their own and they can see me, standing there, defenseless with my form bat. Do I drop the bat and run thereby forfeiting this game of… whatever it’s called? Or do I pray a lightening bolt will strike the pitching machine and end the game by an act of nature? Or do I run… run away as fast as I can?

I don’t know which course of action I will take. I’m still working on some kind of plan. I’m leaning

How can I help the caregiver?

This post is dedicated to a commenter named “Unknown”.

I understand how torn you are about what to do about your parents. Your father is wasting away from the booze and your mother is wasting away from the stress of taking care of him. That puts you in an uncomfortable position.

All of the things you describe of your father are typical of an alcoholic. As the alcohol continues to saturate his frontal lobe, he loses the ability to think logically about his actions. This part of the brain

Where'd she go??

Someone sent me an e-mail asking if Riley had died. The person was concerned because I had not posted in quite a while. The answer is – NO Riley is not dead. He is still the Immortal Alcoholic.

The reality of life is that sometimes we get caught up in whatever it is that’s going on and we forget, or we put on the back burner, about the rest of our lives. I’ve been spending so much time on taking care of Riley that I had not stopped to do things that I love to do. One of those things is writing posts on the blog. Life happens. Priorities shift by necessity. That’s the way things go.

I can’t tell you that a break will not happen again. It definitely WILL happen again. No one person can constantly be immersed in alcoholism and not need a break. Sometimes it happens by design and other times it happens inadvertently. Again, it’s called life.

There are exciting things happening ahead. Keep coming here and find out what is new.

Finding traits on the road to survival

September 9^th is my father’s birthday. September is Recovery Month. What do the two have in common – almost nothing. Except, that my father believed he could “cure” Riley of “that problem” if he could be alone with him for about a month. Daddy was old school. I have heard tales of him being greatly depressed after having lost his best friend during the War. The depression led to some heavy drinking. It didn’t last long because his newlywed bride, my mother, threatened to end the marriage if things didn’t change. He stopped right then and there and drinking was never an issue again. Yes. He did drink, but never over-indulged again.

With five children and several cousins being in his charge, Daddy was often overwhelmed with frustration. It seemed to all of us that he was all-knowing and was almost clairvoyant about what we were doing. Telling him a lie was bound to end in unpleasantness. He was never violent because he didn’t have to be. He had a certain look of disapproval that you always hoped was intended for someone else.

Besides being strict, he was also a bit of a comedian especially when taken aback by something one of us said or did. When he was exasperated, confused or surprised, he would place his open hand on the upper ridge of his nose, just under his eyes, and bring it up his face. He stopped and rubbed his eyes, still open handed, then continued to his forehead and the top of his head. Then he would take his hand down and raise one eyebrow and say “Whaaaat?”; Or sometimes, “Have you lost your mind?”; Or, some other expression of astonishment.

I understand that hand movement. Without even realizing it I seem to do the same thing. I guess I’ve been doing it for a long time but just didn’t notice it.

The other day Riley was being especially needy. He needed the picture of the dog to be moved a half-inch further from the television. He needed a new bottle of water so it would be there the minute the current one was empty. He needed the sheet pulled over his feet. He needed to know if I had called anyone about a supplemental Medicare plan. He needed for me to order him something from QVC. He needed… he needed… he needed.

After the first 3 “need requests” I found myself. Placing my hand at the upper ridge of my nose and imitating my fathers hand movements.

  

It is gratifying that I have inherited some of my father’s traits. It makes it easier to cope with whatever is going on at the moment. My father’s incredible work ethic, overwhelming perseverance, positive attitude, exude strength without violence, intuitive but logical reasoning, and ability to forgive, are traits that I wish to add to my bag of things I have received from my parents. Just like my blue eyes and reddish/blonde hair, I am my father’s daughter. I just don’t understand why I couldn’t have gotten the curls…

All of the traits mentioned above have led to my being able to survive my journey down this fork in my road of life. I haven’t achieved all of them to the level that I want, but it’s a continuous worthwhile effort. All things considered, the road I’m on is a short road that only seems like a million miles long. Yet, I’m more than just surviving, I’m thriving. And although I may be frustrated and exasperated at daily instances, I am basically happy.

The road to happiness can begin with an examination of the traits you have, the ones you want, and having a goal of achieving what you believe you lack. Once you have identified the traits, you can move forward with putting them into your everyday life. At first, this survival thing isn’t easy but it will get easier. When you aren’t even looking you may end up being happy and thriving in spite of your difficult road.

Which holiday is this? You can chose.

There’s a fresh crispness to the morning air these days. It’s much more enjoyable that the scorching hot air that won’t let me take a deep breath. Autumn is on it’s way and I’m welcoming it with open arms.

This is also Labor Day Weekend. Spouses and loved ones of alcoholics will most likely not greet the weekend with open arms. For us it’s just another weekend that will provide the opportunity for the alcoholic to get drunk and stay drunk the entire time. It won’t matter that it’s the last chance to do things with the kids before they head back to school. It won’t matter if the weekend is spent on a beach or in the mountains. No matter what else is going on – there will absolutely be drinking, drunkenness, accidents, arguments, inappropriate behavior and crying. There will be lots of tears.

While families all over the country are looking forward to a weekend of fun and relaxation, others are gridding their loins for what’s ahead over the next few days. Instead of preparing for a good time, they are preparing for a potential disaster.

To those “other” families your chance to change things is at your fingertips. You can focus on your kids, yourself and others affected by the alcoholic. You have the power to make this a great weekend and be happy for it rather than dreading the next few days.

Start with the facts:

1.                  The alcoholic is going to drink. There’s nothing you can do about that.

2.                  The alcoholic may try to sabotage anything you try to do.

3.                  The alcoholic doesn’t care if it’s important to you or the family to have a happy and peaceful weekend.

4.                  You can’t change the alcoholic’s mindset.

5.                  It’s important to you to provide the family with the weekend they need.

6.                  You can make a change.

Once you understand and accept those facts, you will be able to move forward. Forget about the alcoholic’s wants and needs. Forget about the anger and resentment he will try to force upon you. Don’t become a party to his chaos.

Quietly go about planning the weekend you want. Want to have a picnic at the local park? Quietly go about packing the basket. Tell the kids you are going on a picnic the morning you are to go. Invite friends to join you. Do not invite the alcoholic. Then go have a wonderful picnic in the park.

The point is to just plan whatever activity you want and then do it. You don’t need permission from the alcoholic. You don’t need the input or the “help” the alcoholic may want to provide. You can tell him you’re going (if you want) but don’t invite chaos to your party.

This is the way to start regaining your independence. Start with something small and work up to bigger things. Eventually, you’ll feel comfortable doing things on your own. You won’t feel as though you are only half of a married couple. You will be a strong ONE of two separate entities.

It’s Labor Day weekend, but this could be your Independence Day weekend. It’s your choice. Do you want to be the alcoholic’s “laborer” or the “Statue of Liberty”.

For support from people like you go to:

http://oarsfamilysupport.weebly.com/ 

This brand new forum needs your help to grow. Come join us.

A new support group for family and friends

A brand new OARS Group is now available on an independent site!

When I closed down my site for Linda’s Front Porch, I also closed the OARS Forum on Linda’s Front Porch. The only OARS group available currently is the one on FaceBook. While FaceBook is awesome and that group has a lot of activity, I sometimes question if it gives enough access to those who are not members of FaceBook.

Announcing the New and Improved OARS Group! The site is up and running for the next 30 days. Members of this site are subscribers and pay a $5 monthly fee for access. However, membership is free until September 29^th, 2016. After that date, a fee will be charged on a monthly basis. This will give the members a chance to try the forum before having to pay the fee. If you don’t like the site, and opt out, no fee will be charged.

I wanted to give this forum a try, get feedback, comments and suggestions, before I commit to a long-term contract. If it doesn’t seem to work, I’ll take it down.

Forums work best when there are active postings and a sufficient number of responders to the post. Without that no forum can survive for very long. The more members, the more there is a chance of people being logged in at the same time, which means more opportunity for conversations.

You do not have to e-mail me and ask to join. Simply click the “subscribe” button, fill in the form, and wait for a confirmation e-mail. After you fill in the form, an e-mail is sent to me and my administrators and with a simple “acceptance” you will be added to the group. You won’t have to wait for me to reply to your e-mails – which can often take weeks. And – with this site – I can have other administrators to help me accept/decline new members.

This is a private site. The administrators will monitor it regularly and watch out for members who do not respect others viewpoints, challenges, etc. In short, we all must play nice and be courteous of each other. You are welcome to vent your frustrations, but not to show anger to others. Heated discussions are allowed, hatefulness is not.

Another great thing is the ability to private message members in the group. Sometimes we connect with another member and just want a one-on-one talk. Talking is good and now available on OARS Group private messaging.

Please visit the site and help me make this a success! It’s free for now – so there’s nothing to lose except your feeling of isolation. Let’s all connect together and survive this chaos.

http://oarsfamilysupport.weebly.com 

ABC News call to alcoholics

Diane Sawyer, ABC News

ABC News 20/20 will be producing a segment on alcoholism and are seeking alcoholics willing to participate by volunteering to submit their picture to be shown during the segment.

Diane Sawyer will be interviewing one of their

The alcoholic's spouse...

I’m not an alcoholic. In some circles that statement would be considered a denial of being an alcoholic when I actually am an alcoholic. In that circle I would be damned either way. Logic tells me I’m not an alcoholic. I drink a glass or two of wine every year. I don’t over-indulge. I haven’t been drunk since I went to Jimmie’s place for a protest party in 1967. I know I’m not an alcoholic.

I also know that alcohol has damaged my life. Being the wife