Change is hard

Survival. That feels like a whole sentence in just one word. It’s a command, hope, and/or an objective. It can also be a noun or a verb. Interesting. There’s another sentence in just one word.

Saying that my life as the wife of an alcoholic was difficult only touches the tip of the iceberg. When Riley died I wanted to get out of the alcoholic world forever. My kids encouraged me to make that change. They saw my involvement with alcoholism as being chained to the past. So I took their advice – or more accurately – I tried to take their advice. But, that meant leaving more than 20 years of lifestyle behind me and ignoring all the strings pulling me back.

When an alcoholic quits drinking they leave a known, familiar, lifestyle behind and adapts to something new and different. The same thing happens for the people that surround the alcoholic. They must adapt to what is unfamiliar and possibly uncomfortable. Even though everyone is moving into a healthier lifestyle the change is hard.

My change from being the alcoholism blogger, author, and, coach, to just being a regular person was not an easy thing. I FAILED. I still took phone calls from people in crisis; answered e-mails; and occasionally wrote a blog post. I told myself that I left alcoholism in the dust because I began a new journey in my life. But, it was (and is) still there. It sits just behind my left shoulder and whispers in my ear to remind it is still a part of my life.

Was I really a failure? I’ve thought long and hard, had several discussions, and decided that I am not really a failure. I’ve just altered the course of my journey. I’m still focused on having the best life I can but “my best life” includes bits and pieces of alcoholism. After close to 30 years of being involved In the devil’s brew, I find it has become a part of who I am.

Hello! My name is Linda and I’m a happily regular person who is also a clothing designer, a mystery book author, and alcoholism survivor. I’m open and available for advice, feedback and discussions in designing, writing and alcoholism.

You can find me at:

www.spoiled-sweet-boutique.com

My books are available on Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=Linda+Bartee+Doyne&crid=1B2J2J0QL3ZZ2&sprefix=linda+bartee+doyne%2Caps%2C84&ref=nb_sb_noss

Workbook for Caretakers of End-Stage Alcoholics                             Temporarily Dead

Posting                                                                                                                 Trust No On

Posting Two                                                                                                       Chaos Came to Dinner

Surviving the Chaos

Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife                                                                            Huh? ABCs of Understanding Women

The Immortal Life of Riley                                                                            That Reminds Me

 

You don’t have to fail at making the change from the alcoholism world to the “regular” world. It’s a change you can make and keep for a lifetime. It doesn’t matter what the alcoholic is doing. It only matters what YOU are doing to maintain some semblance of sanity. Take alcoholism out of your playbook. Focus on what you like and move the alcoholism energy to what you like. Alcoholism will still be there. It will be trying to take over your entire focus, but don’t let it. Tell alcoholism NO and go back to what you like.

OK. I know the word NO is hard to say. Practice saying it. When a commercial comes on TV tell it NO. When the dishwasher skips a cycle – say NO and start the dishwasher over. Offer no explanation, just the one word NO. You can do it. After a while it won’t be so uncomfortable.

Here’s a little exercise: Send a comment that says:

Hello! My name is _______ and I’m (striving to be) a _________ person who is also a _____________, and alcoholism survivor. I’m open and available for advice, feedback and discussions in ____________ and alcoholism.

I’m looking forward to seeing how you changing the focus in your life.

Cirrohosis -- It's simple until it's not

Cirrhosis is the most common ailments associated with alcoholism. Upon receiving the diagnosis, many people feel lost in a huge pond without a rowboat or paddle. Doctors speak in “doctor language” while the rest of us speak in “regular language.” The thing that is the clear is that the patient must stop drinking. That is true, but there is a lot more to cirrhosis than that.

Cirrhosis is the hardening of the liver as the cells die.

As a part of the “Surviving the Chaos” workshop, I created the below illustration.

Alcohol that has been metabolized in the liver creates metabolic waste which is filtered by the kidneys to controlling the bodily fluid balance. The more liquid a person consumes the harder the kidneys have to work to eliminate the fluid.

The kidneys send the fluid to the bladder and then it is sent on its journey into the sewer system.

Sounds pretty simple.

The system gets complicated when the liver cannot metabolize all the alcohol thus sending it back through the bloodstream over and over again. The toxins (which in fact are poisons), one of which is plasma ammonia, accumulate in various organs.

Let’s start with the liver and the most well-known alcohol-related disease.

CIRRHOSIS – With the consumption of large quantities of alcohol, the liver becomes scarred and the scar tissue blocks the flow of blood. The more scar tissue created the less the blood the liver can process. If the liver doesn’t function properly, the affect will be more toxins, such as plasma ammonia, not being eliminated. The blood will begin to thin and risk of infection will increase.

Some of the signs and symptoms of a malfunctioning liver include:

Jaundice -- yellowing of the skin and eyes

Fatigue and weakness

Loss of appetite, nausea

Red spider-like blood vessels visible just under the skin

Swelling of extremities, such as hands, legs, feet from fluid build-up

Swelling of the belly

As the liver damage increases other diseases develop.

 The liver is a miraculous organ because it can regenerate itself if the alcoholic ceases ingesting alcohol permanently. However, each time alcohol consumption resumes the less time required for scarring to begin. By the time cirrhosis has been diagnosed, other complications have developed that are not as forgiving as the liver.

Chaos Came to Dinner

Check out my new book "Chaos Came to Dinner"

https://www.amazon.com/Chaos-Came-Dinner-Linda-Bartee-Doyne/dp/B0DSGCXQ6Y/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1TJX5WE0BQVYS&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.qhQOPiCazu4O36fnq-HgtA.-lHSjWO9c_MsecsQ10hoF9PhrHP8JhT2oJ2LPOUfypw&dib_tag=se&keywords=Linda+Bartee+Doyne%2C+Chaos+Came+to+Dinner&qid=1736527518&sprefix=linda+bartee+doyne%2C+chaos+came+to+dinner%2Caps%2C79&sr=8-1

Goodbye 2024

 Goodbye 2024

I'm not sure what car horns blowing and fireworks have to do with one year ending and another starting. I usually bring the new year in with a snore and a morning yawn. The idea of getting up, going outside and honking my horn is not appealing to me. But... to each their own.

As part of my New Year housekeeping, I have been going through some very old files and came up with something I thought you might like. It's kinda sad, but I know everyone who reads this will identify with it. I'm not sure of the author so I can't give the deserving accolades that it deserves.

She always knew who she was,

And she knew who she could never be,

But the brokenness inside her

Kept her up to date on reality

She tried so hard to please others,

She looked up to outstanding mothers,

But no matter how hard she tried,

At the end of the day

She cried.

Just because someone wears a smile,

You might not see the denial,

But trust when I tell you this,

Their life is not full of bliss.

And although she sins as she judges,

And she often tends to hold grudges,

She judges herself more harshly

Than anyone will ever know.

May the start of your new year be good to you.

Holiday Season Chaos

 The joy of the Christmas season surrounds me like a spider web made of thin elastic threads. The threads won't pull apart, they just keep snapping back as a way of reminding me that I can't escape the excitement. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I think it's just a thing. Sigh...

In Linda world the holidays fall into categories. 

There is my childhood Christmas days with my family. They were filled with anticipation, love and hope. My five brothers, many cousins, aunts & uncles, and extended family all converged at my parents house filling the place with laughter. The office floor was wall to wall mattresses that were not specifically assigned to any one kid. When you were tired you just went to the office and fell down on the mattress. At midnight, every one under the age of 16 was to be in that sleeping space and no longer allowed in the main part of the house.

After I grew up and had kids of my own I had the best Christmas times ever. I baked cookies, went to parties, shopped, decorated the house, and was full of happiness an joy. I loved watching my kids on Christmas morning as they opened their gifts and expressed their excitement. My husband insisted that we have our coffee before he acted as Santa and handed out the gifts. It drove the kids nuts but only added to their anticipation. These memories are what pulls me through the next phase.

Christmas time with an alcoholic is never easy and always unpredictable. I never knew if he would be present or aware of the holiday season. There was a time when he UN-decorated the tree in the middle of the night. When we woke up the next morning there was a bare naked tree in the corner of the living room. Of course, the kids were elated at having a redux of making the tree festive again.

One Christmas, I was busy trying to put dinner together but couldn't find groceries I had just gotten from the local grocery store. I opened up a bag from the vegetable crisper and found that it was full of garbage. Hmmm.... I looked in the kitchen garbage can and there was a grocery bag filled with the groceries. Riley had put the trash in the frig and the groceries in the trash. I didn't bring it to his attention because that would have not been productive. Instead I was grateful that he attempted to "help".

Then there was the time that we had put the kids gift in the back seat of the car. Riley thought they were for the Goodwill and dropped them off at a donation station.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. Of course, there was all the other things that go along with having an alcoholic in the house. The spilled drinks, the throwing up all over himself, the passing out during the handing out of gifts, disappearing after coffee and not returning for days. Every incident is like an unwelcome gift -- when you open the box, chaos falls out.

Since Riley's death my holidays are very different. At first, I enjoyed being around my kids and grandkids. I was not assigned any tasks. My only responsibility was to be happy and focus my attention on the beautiful children. I shopped with them, played with them, and mentally regressed to their age level. I was happy. I often felt a little guilt about Riley not being there to enjoy these moments with me, but he would not have appreciated them anyway so I let that go.

Now those grandkids are teen-agers and entertaining them is not something so easily accomplished. Currently I live in their house. It's a comfortable and happy place for me. It's only temporary while I heal from an injury, but nevertheless, I'm happy to be here.

I have my sewing and crafting supplies and I'm able to give handmade gifts to everyone in attendance on Christmas morning. The house fills up with relatives and friends and there's always lots of great food to eat. These are great times.

It's been seven years since Riley passed. It took me a couple of years to adjust to not being a caregiver anymore. After that, I've found more happiness than I ever thought possible. However, when I look back on the uncertainty of the "Riley years", I find that I can laugh and be amused at all the unpredictable things he did. It was not fun at the time, but there is humor in recalling those memories now.

If you are living in the alcoholic chaos, I wish for you a way to see past the craziness and find some humor so that you can have a wonderful holiday season.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Here we are. Another holiday season is upon us. January 1st is just around the corner and with it is a brand new year just waiting to be created, shaped, manipulated, and set in motion. It's a time for new things or old things to be revived and make them new again. 

I'm looking forward to many new things. This blog is one of my revived things that I hope to make new again. I won't make you any promises except for continuing to provide support and understanding to all my new and loyal readers. I didn't want to say "old" because it just doesn't seem appropriate to call anyone "old." Please know that for those of you still hanging around, I appreciate your loyalty.

A bit of a recap for those who don't know me:

From 2002 to 2017 I was the caregiver of my end-stage alcoholic, Riley. We had been separated for many years before his health was so fragile that he could no longer live on his own. I took him into my home and literally waited for him to die. But he did not die. He was very close many times and earned the nickname of the "Immortal Alcoholic." 

Those were an interesting 15 years and you can read about them in previous posts on this blog. You will find information here that you'll wish you didn't need to know. You'll also find humor and the chance to make fun of a serious topic.

I survived those 15 years and have found my way to the other side of despair and disappointment. It wasn't easy and it wasn't instant happiness. The effects of my husband's alcoholism left me with much deeper scars than I wanted to admit.

For those who have followed me and want to know how I am now:

It took me a couple of years to decide what I wanted to do with my life without alcoholism. I woke up each morning and wondered what I was supposed to do next. When Riley was alive I had a routine. Now my routine was no longer needed. I tried to focus on my daughter but she was a grown woman with grown kids of her own. She didn't need me to make her a part of my "routine." The truth was that my entire family was doing just fine without my "interference." They told me "Do what makes you happy." Huh? I wasn't sure what that was.

My many friends in Florida were encouraging me to move from my Virginia home to the Sunshine State. One day I woke up and didn't try to exercise any sort of a routine. I made a decision that I would start my life over at the age of 60+ years old and make that new beginning where it didn't snow. I arrived in Tampa, Florida on June 1st of 2020.

At my family's insistence, I put the alcohol part of my life behind me and moved on. I settled into my resort-like apartment just outside of Tampa and started writing my first mystery novel, "Temporarily Dead". I took my dog for walks. I had dinner with friends. I slept til it was no longer morning. I began a relationship with a man who had been a friend for many years. And... lo and behold... I was happy!

I don't want to mislead you. I'm basically a happy person. Even while caring for Riley, I found ways to be happy. I had a mantra that if I let myself fall into UNhappiness alcoholism would win my life. It already had Riley's life, I wouldn't let it get mine as well. What created the most happiness for me was being able to help others find some happiness or at least get some answers.

My inspiration for reviving this blog was created from getting lots of e-mails and requests for updates on what I'm doing. I thought that if I shared this happy way of life with those of you who are still struggling, maybe I could be an inspiration.

So here I am... ask me questions, write your comments, and let's see what happens.

The birth of Temporarily Dead

 I’m happy to announce my next step in my journey to recovery. I have published my mystery novel that has nothing to do with alcoholism. Well... that may not be exactly true. The inspiration for the book was from one of Riley’s statements. 

Before I started this blog and before I became Riley’s caregiver, he met up with some old friends, the Smith’s, from the Navy years. We had spent a lot of time with them and even shared a house with them for a short time. During that time, we were all very good friends. The guys were at sea about 50% of the time so it was comforting to have a friend who was going through the same ordeal. 

 

Upon seeing this couple at the mall, the normal “How are you?’ questions were thrown around. One of them asked “How’s Linny and the kids?” Without hesitation Riley blurts out “She’s dead.” The next words out of his mouth were that it was really great seeing them again and they had to get together more often. 

 

Shocked, Mr. Smith grabbed Riley’s arm and said, “Wait a minute! What do you mean ‘she’s dead?’ What happened? When did she die?” 

 

Riley calmly replied, “She was in a car accident. My grandson was in the car, but he was OK. It happened a couple of years ago.” Riley then turned and walked away. 

 

The Smiths were stunned at both the fact that I was dead, and that Riley was so nonchalant about the whole thing. They mourned my death “after the fact.” 

 

Fast forward several years. I am now Riley’s caregiver, have started writing the blog and collaborating with HBO on the documentary “Risky Drinking.” I had several books published. If my name were “googled” a whole page of articles about me would come up. 

 

Mrs. Smith was doing some research on alcoholism and found the Immortal Alcoholic blog. She did a little more research and discovered the HOB documentary. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Her next step was to see if I was on Facebook. She found me. I got a private message that day asking if I was Riley’s wife. 

 

We had a long talk after the initial shock of my being really alive. she was relieved to discover that reports of my death had been greatly exaggerated. Once we re-connected it became a standing joke that I would call and let her know that I was still alive. 

 

Mr. and Mrs. Smith talked about how that would be a good story line. I agreed but thought I could just use the idea and not the actual events to create an interesting mystery. The idea rattled around in my head for more than a year. I wrote a short draft and called it “Temporarily Dead.” I had it reviewed by a professional editor and his advice was to “keep going.” So, I did. 

 

“Temporarily Dead” has evolved over the past couple of years and I’m happy for the non-alcoholic route the of story line. It’s centered around, Sara Jane Miller, a woman who is in a car accident and has lost her short-term memory. While working through her memory issues, she discovers that the world thinks she is dead. 

 

I hope you will read this murder mystery novel and enjoy a break from alcoholism chaos.  

 

https://www.amazon.com/Temporarily-Dead-Linda-Bartee-Doyne-ebook/dp/B0BGPXSRPD/ref=sr_1_1?qid=1665504671&refinements=p_27%3ALinda+Bartee+Doyne&s=books&sr=1-1