Holiday Season Chaos

 The joy of the Christmas season surrounds me like a spider web made of thin elastic threads. The threads won't pull apart, they just keep snapping back as a way of reminding me that I can't escape the excitement. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I think it's just a thing. Sigh...

In Linda world the holidays fall into categories. 

There is my childhood Christmas days with my family. They were filled with anticipation, love and hope. My five brothers, many cousins, aunts & uncles, and extended family all converged at my parents house filling the place with laughter. The office floor was wall to wall mattresses that were not specifically assigned to any one kid. When you were tired you just went to the office and fell down on the mattress. At midnight, every one under the age of 16 was to be in that sleeping space and no longer allowed in the main part of the house.

After I grew up and had kids of my own I had the best Christmas times ever. I baked cookies, went to parties, shopped, decorated the house, and was full of happiness an joy. I loved watching my kids on Christmas morning as they opened their gifts and expressed their excitement. My husband insisted that we have our coffee before he acted as Santa and handed out the gifts. It drove the kids nuts but only added to their anticipation. These memories are what pulls me through the next phase.

Christmas time with an alcoholic is never easy and always unpredictable. I never knew if he would be present or aware of the holiday season. There was a time when he UN-decorated the tree in the middle of the night. When we woke up the next morning there was a bare naked tree in the corner of the living room. Of course, the kids were elated at having a redux of making the tree festive again.

One Christmas, I was busy trying to put dinner together but couldn't find groceries I had just gotten from the local grocery store. I opened up a bag from the vegetable crisper and found that it was full of garbage. Hmmm.... I looked in the kitchen garbage can and there was a grocery bag filled with the groceries. Riley had put the trash in the frig and the groceries in the trash. I didn't bring it to his attention because that would have not been productive. Instead I was grateful that he attempted to "help".

Then there was the time that we had put the kids gift in the back seat of the car. Riley thought they were for the Goodwill and dropped them off at a donation station.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. Of course, there was all the other things that go along with having an alcoholic in the house. The spilled drinks, the throwing up all over himself, the passing out during the handing out of gifts, disappearing after coffee and not returning for days. Every incident is like an unwelcome gift -- when you open the box, chaos falls out.

Since Riley's death my holidays are very different. At first, I enjoyed being around my kids and grandkids. I was not assigned any tasks. My only responsibility was to be happy and focus my attention on the beautiful children. I shopped with them, played with them, and mentally regressed to their age level. I was happy. I often felt a little guilt about Riley not being there to enjoy these moments with me, but he would not have appreciated them anyway so I let that go.

Now those grandkids are teen-agers and entertaining them is not something so easily accomplished. Currently I live in their house. It's a comfortable and happy place for me. It's only temporary while I heal from an injury, but nevertheless, I'm happy to be here.

I have my sewing and crafting supplies and I'm able to give handmade gifts to everyone in attendance on Christmas morning. The house fills up with relatives and friends and there's always lots of great food to eat. These are great times.

It's been seven years since Riley passed. It took me a couple of years to adjust to not being a caregiver anymore. After that, I've found more happiness than I ever thought possible. However, when I look back on the uncertainty of the "Riley years", I find that I can laugh and be amused at all the unpredictable things he did. It was not fun at the time, but there is humor in recalling those memories now.

If you are living in the alcoholic chaos, I wish for you a way to see past the craziness and find some humor so that you can have a wonderful holiday season.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!