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Providing non-judgmental and non-criticizing support for family and friends of end-stage alcoholics through one-on-one coaching, support groups, blog posts, workshops and public speaking.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Just a dream...

Thank you to all my followers who have sent me e-mails wondering why I have not posted in the past ten days. I want to tell you that I’m fine. I’m just a little tired and needed to take a short break. I’m back. I have not abandoned you and I apologize for causing any of you to worry.

I had a dream the other night – or maybe a better description would be that I had a nightmare the other night. I don’t put a lot of stock into dream interpretations, but this dream left me with a feeling of imminent doom, so I looked it up.

The dream is about going to lunch with some friends from work. Riley tagged along and somehow we all got separated. The setting was San Francisco, well, sort of. I know this city, but I haven’t been there in years and would have trouble finding my way around anymore. In the dream I’m wandering the streets of San Francisco, searching for my way back to my office, but not being able to get a grasp on where it is. I know you have to go into a shopping mall and then go through another door. I find the mall and ask a janitor how to get into my company’s office. He told me to go through a particular door and when I did I found an empty warehouse. Everyone and everything was gone. I woke up.

According to the dream interpretations web sites, this dream would indicate a feeling of urgency and panic concerning taking a different direction surrounding a situation in my life. It also indicates confusion and conflict in a real life situation. Of course, there’s the blatantly obvious explanation that I’m worried about losing my job. Well… duh…

I’m always worried about losing my job. I have no real indication that my boss would like to dispel of my services. In fact, the last time I told her I wanted to retire, she wanted me to reconsider and stay around. As it turned out retirement was not in the cards for me at that time – but I want to officially be retired from my 9-5 job as of next summer. So why would I fear something that would force me to take action to do what I really want to do? The human mind is so complicated.

Confusion and conflict in a real life situation is really accurate. Although, I’m not at all confused about my plan of action as Riley gets closer to his end. I suppose the conflict would be that not rushing him to the ER goes against my moral standards. I thought I was at peace with that, but maybe not. Maybe it’s a situation of knowing what I have to do and not feeling like it is the “right” thing to do.

Urgency and panic about a different direction could have to do with knowing how I want my future to proceed and worrying that I may not achieve my goal to live my life in a certain manner. I have many irons in the fire to keep me on the path to my destination.

I’m writing the book and that alone is a huge pressure. What if I don’t/can’t finish it? What if it doesn’t get picked up by a publisher or I can’t find a literary agent? What if NOone buys/likes it? What if? What if? As I get closer to my anticipated retirement date, the “what if’s” weigh heavier on my mind. The desired outcome would be that my book gets published at about the same time as I stop working the 9-5.

Then there’s the little girl’s clothing line. I haven’t been able to concentrate much on that at all. I simply keep designing and making outfits for my great-granddaughter. This is such a great way for me to mentally escape my situation. It never really has to get off the ground as a business – it just has to keep providing me the outlet as it is now. So, I’m not really feeling a lot of pressure there.

So besides the book, the only other real pressure has to do with the daily living in this household. Riley once was the “clean freak” of us as a couple. Although I like things clean, I don’t need to align the towels on the rack or wash eating utensils the minute they appear on the countertop. But, now Riley’s cleanliness drive is scattered and inconsistently performed. The closer his end-stage situation gets to the end – the less he is caring about his surroundings. I can’t depend on him to sweep up Jades daily allotment of shedded hair from the floors or load the dishwasher before bedtime. In fact, he is starting to create a mess rather than cleaning it up. We’ve been here before. I recognize this for what it is and I know it will get much, much worse.

It’s all part of living with an end-stage. I know that. I know I need to hire a housekeeper to come in at least once a week. Otherwise, I’ll never be able to keep up. My excuse has been that we have only been in this house for less than a year and I haven’t gotten everything organized yet. It’s difficult to tell a housekeeper where everything goes when I don’t know where ANYthing goes. But I’m thinking that this is just an excuse because to be disorganized or have a dirty house, is an indication of my failure to manage on my own.

I think my dream is telling me to stop worrying about what happens after I finish the book. Just finish it. And also, stop worrying that the house is too dirty for a housekeeper – just find one and let her/him help get things together here. I think it’s time for me to start asking for help and stop trying to do everything totally on my own. It’s time to stop thinking (hoping) Riley will provide any assistance. He can’t because he’s not really here.

If I want my future to be peaceful and independent – All I need to do is let go of my fear of failure and just do the things I need to do. Simple… right?


Syd said...

Glad that you are back. Cleaning up for the cleaning person made me smile. Having someone come in once every two weeks was the best decision we ever made. We are both neat so there is little to do between cleaning. C. is now more compulsive than I am since she is sober. Good luck with the book.

R Lori Johnstone-Pohlman said...

Keep writing, Linda! Things will fall into place for you when the time comes. People will want to read your book; just as we read your blog. You're doing the right thing (and the WRITE thing!). Thank you for all you do!