By Sandy Jones
As the loved ones of someone who is an alcoholic (or drug
user, or polydrug user), our situations may vary widely; but one thing we all
share is the heartache of seeing someone decline – sometimes over a very long
period of time – due to the effects of a substance. Sometimes, that trajectory
is reversed; other times, it isn’t.
In 2009, I was stunned when my nephew, Ray, died of
alcoholism. How could we (the family) have let this happen? Of course, not
knowing anything, I was posing a question that flew in the face of what was
supposed to be common knowledge – that this was not something that we let happen, it was something that they let happen. As for what we were supposed to do, we were supposed
to “Wait ‘til they ask for help” or “Wait ‘til they hit rock bottom.”
In any case, my nephew’s death set me on a quest for
answers, and along the way, I discovered that common knowledge was wrong – we
were not supposed to “Wait ‘til they
ask for help” or “Wait ‘til they hit rock bottom.” And even more jarring was
that the experts were saying this way before Ray died. Years before Ray died,
in an earlier version of the book, Love
First, former presidential candidate and Senator George McGovern recounted
in the book’s Forward that they listened to well-meaning friends who said to
wait ‘til his daughter hit rock bottom; but the problem was that when they did
this, she died. And I also learned that in a survey that Hazelden conducted,
where they asked alcoholics what had set them on a course to recovery, 77% said
that a friend or relative had intervened.
But back to the question of when, how, and how much we
should intervene. There are actually observational signposts, clinical
evaluations, and even what I call the one-question litmus test (which actually
has a pretty high rate of accuracy) that can help us to answer the “when” –
when to know when it’s time for our loved one to get help. (Professionals
sometimes use these types of evaluations, and in the end, we would of course
want to consult a professional.)
As for the “how,” things have come a long way since the
traditional treatment that we all know about – the living room intervention
with the loved ones, and then it’s off to the residential treatment center. Don’t
get me wrong – this is still a very common treatment, and it still saves lives.
But I learned that there are so many other things out there. You can look at
what’s out there, you can look at where your alcoholic is; and you can try to
make the best match. In some cases, you can even involve your alcoholic. And
the way you communicate is very important. Years of research have been put into
this, and one of the best books I’ve seen, which has an approach with a very
good success rate of getting your loved one into treatment, is the book, Get Your Loved One Sober, by Robert J.
Meyers.
As for “how much,” that’s a tough one. In my book, I talk
about enabling, not enabling, and abandoning, but that’s in relation to codependency
and does not really address “how much.” When I think about it, it’s such a
universal life question: When do we keep trying? When do we give up? When is it
better to keep trying or to give up? In life, as in addiction, we can’t read the
future, so we can’t know until later. But I love what Dr. Meyers says – he
basically says that if you do your best and things don’t turn out the way you
expected, you can rest in the awareness that you did the best you could. And
it’s good to keep in mind that you did what was within the scope of your knowledge or understanding at the time to
do. {What else can we do?)
And speaking of knowledge, knowledge is definitely power,
but many of us don’t have the time – we’re too busy just trying to survive! And
addiction is a tough nut to crack – now, more than ever, given the added
challenges of prescription drug abuse, designer drugs, and polydrug use! But together, we can accomplish so much more
than we can, alone. This is why we need to start forming solution-oriented groups,
where we would not just learn together, but also exchange our ideas and
experiences with each other, support each other, and each create a strategy –
an action plan that will support us in doing the best we can to get to the
light at the end of the tunnel. As the saying goes, “We may not have it all
together; but together, we have it all!”
Sandy Jones is the author of Intervene: An Emergency Guide to Heavy Drinking, Alcoholism, and Drug
Addiction. Her book can be purchased on Amazon at (short link to Amazon): http://www.tinyurl.com/InterveneBook
or by entering “Intervene an emergency guide” at Amazon.com. She is offering a
complimentary ebook of Intervene to
the first five readers who agree to write an honest review of the book on
Amazon within 4 weeks of receiving it. (To participate, submit your email to SynergyBreakthroughs@gmail.com
or support@synergybreakthroughs.com.
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