Kelsey Brown of Nova Recovery Center contacted me about doing a post on the roles family members often play in an alcoholic family. While there are a few things in this write-up that do not match my point of view, I like what Kelsey has written. Since it's a long write up, this post will be shown in a series of three separate posts. I won't confuse the issue by writing in between the posts. However, when the last one is published, I will write a post giving my feelings / differences with Kelsey's post.
PART TWO
Guest Post by
The Hero: Using Perfectionism to Cope
The hero role is very similar to the caretaker
of the family, in that the hero spends a
great deal of time attempting to restore the balance of the household and
maintain the outward appearance that everything is okay. Although this
person is often a perfectionist, extremely self-sufficient, and overly
responsible, he or she may also struggle with fear, guilt, and shame regarding
their loved one’s battle with addiction.
The hero is often an older child in the
family, but this doesn’t necessarily hold true all the time. He or she will
appear to be confident and mature and may also assume many of the parental
duties in the household. As the addict’s substance abuse worsens, the hero may
find him or herself struggling to keep up with it all.
In an attempt to do everything right and give
the rest of the family some sense of hope, the hero often ends up extremely
anxious, stressed out, and emotionally run down. All the focus on performing
well and being the “golden child” ends up being an overwhelming amount of
pressure.
If you
are playing the hero, you may find yourself doing some of the following things:
●
Covering up the addict’s mistakes.
●
Giving a parent the emotional
support they should be getting from their addicted spouse.
●
Providing financial support after
an addicted parent loses a job.
●
Being overly concerned with
performance-based behaviors like doing well in school or excelling at work.
●
Being unable to accept failure.
●
Lying to neighbors or friends
about things going on at home.
Why Am I Playing the Hero?
For many people, the need to play the hero
stems from a desire to “fix” everyone
and everything going on in the household. They may also seek approval and
self-worth through their accomplishments, although the constant race to
perfection leaves them feeling inadequate and alone.
For some, taking on the hero role may also be a way to deal with uncertain feelings and
emotions regarding the addict and his or her addiction problem. For
example, on the outside, the confident, performance-based behaviors of the hero
put off an air of strength, independence, and success. But on the inside, the
hero is battling feelings of confusion, anger, and fear.
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