It is possible to be addicted to anything. I’m addicted to The
Walking Dead, baked potatoes, my morning coffee, and talking on the
phone. That’s just where the list starts. There’s so much more.
When I was taking care of Riley, I felt trapped. I longed to
have my old life back. You know – that life where I earned money, met with my
friends, dated men and could just up and go on a vaca whenever I felt the
desire? That WAS my life. I thought that when Riley was gone everything would
automatically go back to normal – back to the life I had before.
When Riley was alive and sick, I knew exactly what I was
supposed to do. My days were mapped out for me by necessity. I began doing the
alcoholism support work as a means of staying sane within all the insanity. I
felt I was accomplishing something worthwhile. I was connected to people who
were walking in my path and it felt good to have company.
It’s been two years since Riley’s death. The big question is
– if I am free to do whatever I want, why can’t I figure out what it is that I
actually want. It was pointed out to me, in the gentlest of manners, that I don’t
seem to be able to decide what it is I want to do when I grow up. My response
was that I didn’t think I had to grow up. But he was right.
I keep trying to continue to help everyone I can. But, it is
not serving me well. It was a shocker to discover that I was in worse shape
financially, socially, and physically than I was when Riley was alive. I
believe I have become addicted to alcoholism. Not the booze, but the associated
chaos that surrounds it. I’m addicted to trying to take care of everyone who
asks me for help. I’m still not in the process of living my life. Instead I’m
living for the caregiving addiction.
When one of my followers/clients says to me “I don’t need
you anymore” I am elated because it means I’ve done my job. This person can now
move on and put all that alcohol stuff behind them. But how do I get to that
point?
I don’t need you
anymore. I’m very sorry if you feel I’m abandoning you. But I need to move
on and have a life that doesn’t include so much alcoholism. And just like an addict,
I will start out by trying to “cut back” and not go cold turkey. I’ll still do
some coaching. Maybe I’ll write a blog piece every once in a while. And I have
a few more alcoholism books to finish but I can do them at my own pace. As an
editor once told me – there will always be some project that you will not
finish.
This is a decision that I am making with a clear mind and
for the first time in a very long time --- I’m comfortable with my decision. I
don’t feel all wishy-washy about it. Riley is my past and that’s where I want
him to stay.
What am I going to do, you ask? I’m going to go back to work
at a real job. If you know anyone who needs a very experienced Real Estate
Title Examiner who works from home – please let me know. I have some books I
want to write and none of them have to do with addiction. I’m taking care of
myself physically and now I need to take care of myself mentally.
Over the past ten years, I have met some truly wonderful
people who while be in my life for the rest of my life. I’m so fortunate to
have met you. I’ve had my share of haters as well, but they are everywhere. I
was strong and never let the haters deter me from my objective. That objective
was to give you a sense of hope and a dose of reality. I think I was
successful.
When you miss me you can
always come to this blog. All my books are available on Amazon. You can “friend”
me on FaceBook on my personal page so you can see what mischief I’m up to now.
Thank you for your support, comments, and return visits.
Most of all, thank you for always being there when I needed
someone to need me. I wish you the calmness I feel at this moment.
4 comments:
You're growing and healing!! Yes, a void is left when the alcoholic is no longer around. How do we fill that void? By getting on with OUR OWN LIFE!!! We've put ourselves on hold long enough. I will no longer tolerate people who put an addiction ahead of everyone/everything else. My time and my life are much too valuable for that. Now it's MY turn to live life to the full.
Nice post!!
Sorry to see you go but you are right to follow your star. I too floundered after my alcoholic died, but then almost immediately had my poorly mother to look after. With her also now gone, I had been floundering what I needed to do next. I am gradually finding things to do - some in a caring role (helping out at a foodbank) and others things for me (gym, singing in a choir, making new friends). I wish you all the best. Life will become a lot calmer and more enjoyable.
My sister-in-law passed away two days ago from ESLD. She was a dynamic single woman who was a flight attendant for over 30 years. She fell and broke her pelvis in March. Healing was slow and she never regained full strength. She tried to go back to work but was too weak. She had become very direct with no filter toward her mother whom she adored and her siblings. Basically we all walked on eggshells around her. She called her sister to come take her to the ER as she had not been able to get out of bed for two days and was very dehydrated. At the ER her sister found out she had ESLD. We were all shocked. We had no idea she had abused alcohol and of course she did not consider herself an alcoholic, as she never drank at work or drove drunk. She did not have a social life outside of work and discouraged family from visiting her home. Consequently we had no idea of her drinking habits at home. From the hospital she went to a nursing care facility but did not want anyone to know she was ill. She thought she would recover her strength and resume her life. Since she allowed her sister to see her and help her, her sister realized the severity of her cirrhosis and that recovery was unlikely. She told my husband and her husband so they could be prepared for further complications. She developed severe ascetis in her abdomen and asked to see her mother for the first time in three months as she could see she was not getting better. At this point she still thought recovery was possible. When her 90 year old mother saw her she could see it was very serious. That was last Sunday, on Tuesday while speaking to the doctor on rotation, she asked about a transplant and he indicated that wasn’t an option and she wasn’t going to recover. A kidney specialist was supposed to see her later in the week, but she stopped breathing around 5:00pm and passed away at 6:00 pm. Reading your blog explains so much about her progression with liver disease. I truly believed her inappropriate comments to her loved ones had to be some type of imbalance but I was thinking thyroid, diabetes or menopause but now I see it was hepatic encephalopathy. Thank you Linda, for this exceptional resource, as in our grief we can better understand her journey.
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