Silence of the children...

Most of the people who contact me are spouses of an alcoholic. But the alcoholic family extends far beyond the wife or husband. The children of the couple become damaged just as much as the spouse. A blog follower contacted me about her son’s acting out. She was in tears because she didn’t know or understand what the problem his adolescent mind was addressing.

Way, way back when Riley was in his very first ever rehab center – a Navy mandated and operated facility – I was fortunate

Rest in peace Doc

Way back in 2010 I received a comment on a post from a woman named Gerry. She had a blog that included videos of her and her friend Doc. The videos were very entertaining and Riley and I watched them together over our morning coffee. Doc was a true “character”. He was a

More than numbers...

One thing I've learned through writing this blog is that families and friends of alcoholics are eager to learn everything they can about alcoholism. They want to know about all the associated diseases and accompanying illnesses. Even though they know there

Still immortal...

We sat in the doctor’s office waiting for the news about the status of Riley’s cancer. He completed his first round of treatment and four weeks later had a CT Scan to determine what or where we go from here. We had been told that it was highly unlikely

Harmony's Success Story

My guest poster, Harmony Rose, is the wife of an alcoholic who allowed forgiveness to set her free. She submitted her story to me in response to requests for success stories. A link to her book is at the end of this post.

This is Harmony's story:

I can honestly say “Love at first sight” is where our story begins. When my husband

Bootstraps...

Lately, I seem to be dealing with a lot of people who have gone through some really – I mean REALLY – tough times. Every idea, thought, dream, confidence is being tested and the result is that they are having difficulty trusting in their own abilities. They have lost a sense of

All ya need is love...

Spouses of alcoholics have a very special love-hate relationship with any holiday that demands us to be “loving” or encourage us to buy greeting cards with professions of undying love and commitment. It’s bad enough that we have to

Is it the end?

Sometimes I’m asked if a spouse is at end-stage or how to tell if a spouse is at end-stage. One of my most popular posts is a definition of end-stage alcoholism. You can find it here:

End-Stage Definition

An end-stage alcoholic has usually

What to do...

The question was about what to do if your spouse, partner, or other family member is over-indulging in alcohol. The answer: It depends. And to further complicate matters, there is no easy answer.

If your loved one is in the early stages of alcoholism you can take whatever opportunity you can to try to talk to the person. The opportunity would be when you can talk rationally without anger or nagging. If you become a nag, the alcoholic will close any doors to communication because they just don’t want to hear about it. But, if you can find a moment when you are both open, try mentioning that you were sorry that he/she couldn’t participate in… (whatever was going on) and maybe next time he/she can plan to drink after the event. If you preface your comments with some type of understanding or veiled apology, the conversation will not be confrontational.

I also suggest getting brochures and information about the different types of support groups for alcoholics – AA, Smart Recovery, etc. and leave them around the house where they will clearly be seen. You can research rehab centers and when you find something interesting, like San Patrignano Rehab Center in Italy, you can start a conversation with, “I was reading on line and discovered that there’s a place in Italy that takes addicts and treats them free of charge.” You can tell how their program works and that it would be great if there was a place like that here in the United States. You can even say – I know this wouldn't fit for you, but I was just finding it interesting. There are other rehab centers that are more like a vacation in a luxury resort rather than a rehab clinic. You can mention them and say… “I would love to go there.” The point is you can open up discussions and lite a little fire of interest in the not-so-totally-soaked brain of the alcoholic.

Of course, none of the above works if the alcoholic is past the point of communicating reasonably. In that case, there is almost nothing you can do. The alcoholic is not going to listen or open any doors of communication because he/she will always feel that they are being pushed into rehab. They don’t believe anything is wrong with them, so why listen to someone who wants to try to convince them that they need help?

The most important thing that you can do in any stage of alcoholism is focus on yourself and not the alcoholic. What is it you want to do? What are you passionate about? Develop your own interests and actively participate with others who share those interests. Join a book club, quilting group, dog lovers group or any other kind of group that you find interesting.

If you have kids, use them by taking them to different places or encouraging them to do things outside school and home. I used to pack a picnic lunch, put the kids in the car and ask them what direction they wanted me to drive. Eventually we would find a place to have our lunch and try to find our way back home. In reality, I always really knew where we were, but it was fun to let them try to figure it out. I also watched the newspaper for “free” events, festivals, fairs, etc. and hauled the kids along. These kinds of activities got us outside the house and away from the alcoholic. It was a great bonding experience and created some pretty awesome memories.

The bottom line is that the alcoholic is going to do what alcoholics do – drink. They will do this without regard for what it does to you or the family dynamic. There’s no point in confrontation, anger, or threats because they will fall on deaf drunken ears. If you do make any threats, you must be prepared to follow through on the consequences that you've set. If you threaten to leave, be prepared to leave.

There are obviously a few things that you simply cannot let happen – like blindly letting the alcoholic drive drunk or allowing complete control of the finances.  Use common sense while letting them find their own way.

If you are a parent of an alcoholic child the whole game changes. See: Do just one more thing

Soooo…. It all sounds so simple – right? Well… not so right. This will be the hardest thing in the world to do. The NOT doing anything to “help” or “strongly encourage” the alcoholic will be the most difficult thing you've ever done. It’s just not natural to let someone you love fall down a never-ending rabbit hole. All our instincts will tell us to do SOMETHING, do ANYTHING. Ignoring anger, frustration, disappointment is almost impossible.

You will need support and you can find it by joining a group such as OARS or Al-Anon and/or getting a personal therapist. I offer one-on-one support coaching through my website LindasFrontPorch (http://www.lindasfrontporch.com/one-on-one-visits-with-linda/). To join OARS on Facebook or the independent website, send me an e-mail requesting an invitation.

Here’s a list of other relevant postings:

Survival or Recovery…

Who’s life is it?

I’m a hypocrite

Dead? Alive?

Live til you die

U.S.S. Riley

Detach 

More normal...

I was honored to have participated in Perri Peltz’s Show on SiriusXM Stars yesterday. I was in excellent company with Peter Santoro of LESC, Dr. Mark Willenbring of Alltyr, and Dr. George Koob of the NIAAA. I want to send out a special thank you to Perri Peltz for inviting me to her show.

Over the next few posts I’m going to be expounding on the questions I was asked during the program. The answers as so much deeper than a few seconds response can cover. This particular post is also a bit of a continuation to my previous post “What’s normal anyway…”

I was asked why spouses/families stay or continue to try to help the alcoholic in their life. My simplified answer was that it was like the Frog Soup Syndrome. In case you are not familiar the theory is that if you put a frog in a pan of hot water it will jump out immediately. If you put the same frog in a pan of cold water and slowly bring the water to a boil the frog will stay in the pan and eventually become frog soup.

By the same theory if we think what we are doing is “normal” and continues to do what feels normal but add a few things here and there it will continue to be normal for us. After years of being on that particular level of normalcy, we may eventually discover that we are actually so far away from normal that we don’t even recognize the state we are really in. It could possibly be the state of frog soup. That’s when the spouse hits themselves on the forehead and screams “What was I thinking?”

Often times the hit on the forehead is accompanied with the realization that the alcoholic is now too sick to be on his/her own. Leaving him/her now would be like leaving a person dying of some incurable disease along the side of the road and driving off. It often feels immoral to just walk away.

There are a lot of reasons why people stay with in a relationship riddled with alcoholic insanity. Some stay because they love the alcoholic – or rather – the person the alcoholic was before the alcohol took over the brain. Others stay for practical reasons such as being unable to afford to live without a joint income. Many spouses say they took vows when they married and to leave would be in violation of those vows. And still others stay because they can’t find a way to climb out of that pan of frog soup.

I took my husband back into my home to protect my daughter from moving her nearly-dead alcoholic father into her home. I had stayed married to him and he was my responsibility – not hers.

The bottom line is that the answer is not cut and dry. There is no absolute correct path. There are as many reasons for a person staying in (or going from) a relationship with an alcoholic as there are reasons for doing anything we do in life. Sometimes we make choices about staying or going even when it may appear that we are doing nothing.  Doing nothing puts us in a position of choosing to be in that pan of hot water that’s getting hotter by the minute.