Let me be clear

I was trying to explain that leaving an alcoholic husband or partner doesn’t mean you don’t love the person you’re leaving. It’s possible and sometimes more practical to love someone from a distance. There comes a time when the non-alcoholic must consider their own survival and express unconditional love for oneself.

There are many practical reasons why non-alcoholic’s stay with the alcoholic. There may be economic considerations or simply the fact that the alcoholic has reached a point of no return on being able to take care of his or her own needs. Maybe the vows you took in becoming a wedded couple are the tie that binds you. Maybe you’re hoping there will be a change.

It doesn’t matter why you stay. It doesn’t matter what your reasons are for going. What matters is that you put yourself as top priority in your life.

I have loved a man unconditionally and have promised to never abandon him. But there comes a point in time when that knowledge may lead the loved one to taking unconditional love for granted. Limits may get pushed. Arguments may take place and hurtful words exchanged. And that’s WITHOUT the influence of alcohol.

When alcohol is involved everything is multiplied by at least three. The hurts are deeper; the indiscretions are less discreet; the consequences are more consequential. The one loving unconditionally must ask the hard question about how much unconditional love can be tolerated before reaching the breaking point. At what point is there nothing left to give?

This is the question that only the unconditional lover can answer. Everyone’s breaking point is different and everyone handles different situations in their own unique way.

For me – I get tired of doing all the forgiving and receiving no forgiveness in return. I have a high tolerance level. But don’t take that to mean that I won’t walk away. Sometimes I don’t walk – I run.

Intervention -- When, How, and How Much?

Thank you to Sandy Jones founder of Synergy Breakthroughs for today's guest blog post. Sandy created Synergy Breakthroughs in 2010 to"assist individual, groups and organizations in developing the kind of creativity and resilience that would optimize the experience of navigating through change." http://synergybreakthroughs.com/background/

By Sandy Jones

As the loved ones of someone who is an alcoholic (or drug user, or polydrug user), our situations may vary widely; but one thing we all share is the heartache of seeing someone decline – sometimes over a very long period of time – due to the effects of a substance. Sometimes, that trajectory is reversed; other times, it isn’t.

In 2009, I was stunned when my nephew, Ray, died of alcoholism. How could we (the family) have let this happen? Of course, not knowing anything, I was posing a question that flew in the face of what was supposed to be common knowledge – that this was not something that we let happen, it was something that they let happen. As for what we were supposed to do, we were supposed to “Wait ‘til they ask for help” or “Wait ‘til they hit rock bottom.”

In any case, my nephew’s death set me on a quest for answers, and along the way, I discovered that common knowledge was wrong – we were not supposed to “Wait ‘til they ask for help” or “Wait ‘til they hit rock bottom.” And even more jarring was that the experts were saying this way before Ray died. Years before Ray died, in an earlier version of the book, Love First, former presidential candidate and Senator George McGovern recounted in the book’s Forward that they listened to well-meaning friends who said to wait ‘til his daughter hit rock bottom; but the problem was that when they did this, she died. And I also learned that in a survey that Hazelden conducted, where they asked alcoholics what had set them on a course to recovery, 77% said that a friend or relative had intervened.

But back to the question of when, how, and how much we should intervene. There are actually observational signposts, clinical evaluations, and even what I call the one-question litmus test (which actually has a pretty high rate of accuracy) that can help us to answer the “when” – when to know when it’s time for our loved one to get help. (Professionals sometimes use these types of evaluations, and in the end, we would of course want to consult a professional.)

As for the “how,” things have come a long way since the traditional treatment that we all know about – the living room intervention with the loved ones, and then it’s off to the residential treatment center. Don’t get me wrong – this is still a very common treatment, and it still saves lives. But I learned that there are so many other things out there. You can look at what’s out there, you can look at where your alcoholic is; and you can try to make the best match. In some cases, you can even involve your alcoholic. And the way you communicate is very important. Years of research have been put into this, and one of the best books I’ve seen, which has an approach with a very good success rate of getting your loved one into treatment, is the book, Get Your Loved One Sober, by Robert J. Meyers.

As for “how much,” that’s a tough one. In my book, I talk about enabling, not enabling, and abandoning, but that’s in relation to codependency and does not really address “how much.” When I think about it, it’s such a universal life question: When do we keep trying? When do we give up? When is it better to keep trying or to give up? In life, as in addiction, we can’t read the future, so we can’t know until later. But I love what Dr. Meyers says – he basically says that if you do your best and things don’t turn out the way you expected, you can rest in the awareness that you did the best you could. And it’s good to keep in mind that you did what was within the scope of your knowledge or understanding at the time to do.  {What else can we do?)

And speaking of knowledge, knowledge is definitely power, but many of us don’t have the time – we’re too busy just trying to survive! And addiction is a tough nut to crack – now, more than ever, given the added challenges of prescription drug abuse, designer drugs, and polydrug use! But together, we can accomplish so much more than we can, alone. This is why we need to start forming solution-oriented groups, where we would not just learn together, but also exchange our ideas and experiences with each other, support each other, and each create a strategy – an action plan that will support us in doing the best we can to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. As the saying goes, “We may not have it all together; but together, we have it all!”

Sandy Jones is the author of Intervene: An Emergency Guide to Heavy Drinking, Alcoholism, and Drug Addiction. Her book can be purchased on Amazon at (short link to Amazon): http://www.tinyurl.com/InterveneBook or by entering “Intervene an emergency guide” at Amazon.com. She is offering a complimentary ebook of Intervene to the first five readers who agree to write an honest review of the book on Amazon within 4 weeks of receiving it. (To participate, submit your email to SynergyBreakthroughs@gmail.com or support@synergybreakthroughs.com.

First do no harm...

I have a follower who is the divorced wife of a very end-stage alcoholic. He is currently in the hospital. He had never signed a Medical Power of Attorney, so no one is legally in charge of his care. Yes, the closet living relative will be asked to take on the responsibility which would be his children. However, the children have become estranged over the years because they did not want to suffer the heart break of watching their father slowly kill himself. There are no other relatives.

As often happens in alcoholic marriages, the couple divorced because of the outfall of the alcoholic’s actions. The wife/husband will often separate themselves, so they do not have the unfortunate financial burden if the alcoholic should get himself into financial trouble. It doesn’t mean they no longer have feelings one for another. It’s often a greater act of love.

If the divorced couple do not have in place the legal paperwork that allows the sober partner to “watch over” the drunk partner, the drunk partner could fall to the mercy of the medical community. While their first obligation is to do no harm, the prime objective is to continue life for as long as the patient can draw a breath. The medical community is not as concerned about the quality of life as they are about the quantity of life.

The name of this blog, “Immortal Alcoholic”, is from the idea that an alcoholic can be so close to death and miraculously return to the living many times over and again. Unfortunately, they do not learn to stop drinking because they just had a near-death experience. Most often the alcoholic will not remember any of the trauma that brought him to, and during, the event. There is no lesson learned for the alcoholic. He will most likely NOT wake up and say “Hey, I think I should stop drinking, go to rehab, and live a full productive life.” What will probably happen is that he will want to stop at a liquor store on the way home from the hospital.

The families remember. They remember every detail, every harsh word, every derogatory name, every jump-start of the heart, every coma-like minute of the hospital stay. They are exhausted. They are a mixture of elation and disappointment. They live a life of contradiction. While happy the loved one is alive, they are disappointed that there is no end in sight. And they are angry. Through the laughter and smiles, they try to hide their anger. They know that what they have just been through over the last days or weeks, is a process that will be repeated. It’s just a matter of time.

A Medical Power of Attorney, which gives the right to make decisions for the alcoholic when they cannot make the decision on their own, over to a trusted individual. Usually it is given to the spouse but can be assigned to anyone of the alcoholic’s choosing. There should be a clear understanding of what the alcoholic would want in terms of continuing his life. The choices should be made during a time when the alcoholic is the most sober.

Riley vacillated between having a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate Order) and not having a DNR. However, he was always adamant about not wanting to be kept alive on any type of equipment. If he could not breathe on his own, he was not to be kept alive. If it appeared he would not have a quality of life that allowed him to live independently, he did not want to continue living. The biggest issue for him was that if he couldn’t continue drinking, he would rather not continue living. He would rather be dead than sober. If there was any doubt as to what his quality of life would be, he wanted to not take the chance that he would end up as a vegetable. He wanted me to “pull the plug.”

The family knows that there is more to living than just the activity of the heart and lungs. If the cycle is going to continue, which is usually does, then who does it serve to keep the alcoholic alive? The alcoholic may get a few more months of hazy, fuzzy, bliss. The family gets a few more months of worry and frustration. The hospitals and doctors get richer with each hospitalization while the insurance companies get poorer.

If you are an alcoholic – do your family a favor and get the Medical Power of Attorney and leave no doubt as to what you want. If you’re a family member, encourage or insist, that the alcoholic in your life get that simple document that allows you to make the decision to do what is right for the alcoholic. It’s a piece of paper that will insure the alcoholic gets the best and most appropriate care possible.

After all, who knows the alcoholic better than the people who are the closest to him/her? No one’s life should be left in the complete power of strangers.

Find more helpful information and support in my books. Medical information about alcohol related diseases and complications in a language the average person can understand can be found in both "Immortal Alcoholic's Wife" and "Workbook for Caretakers of End-Stage Alcoholics". Find support for yourself and regain your life in "Surviving the Chaos". To lighten your mood, try reading "Huh? The ABC's of Understanding Women" and/or "That Reminds Me." There is something for everyone. Just go to https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=Linda+Bartee+Doyne

Where, What, When, Why, How???

I got a message asking me where I was, what was I doing, and, when am I coming back. I also received a comment about how I was adjusting to single life and had I started my book tour yet.

No, I have not started the book tour. I discovered that I have a surgery that I must recover from before I start any extensive travel. I could postpone the surgery, but I’d like to leave for the tour without anything hanging over my head. Book tour is STILL on, but probably not until closer to the first part of the year. My route will depend on the weather, but everyone who has asked me to come, will see my bright shining face.

Sadly, I’m moving from my big old country farm house into my daughter’s house. The farm house is up for sale and it’s easier if I just move out now. Anyone interested in a house on eight acres of land built in 1858, send me an e-mail and I’ll put you in touch with the realtor. I do not own this house, however, my 8^th & 9^th grandfathers once owned a part of the land. Interesting, since I didn’t know any of my family was from this area.

What I am doing… I’m packing, purging, downsizing and preparing for the move. I was surprised at how difficult it is to go thru all of Riley’s things and decide what to keep, give away, and just get rid of. I feel that I’m invading his privacy and erasing all evidence of his previous existence. I have stacks of books on AA with duplicate copies. What I can’t find a home for, will be donated to the local library.

When am I coming back? I never really left.  I was working diligently on the upcoming presentation in Williamsburg, VA. However, with the move and surgery looming over me, I postponed the presentation for a couple of months. I’m writing the sequel to Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife and working on another non-alcohol related fun book similar to the ABC’s of Understanding Women.

Oh my goodness, what can I tell you about my single life?? I’m still in a relationship with Sam. I have visited him after not seeing him in 13 years. Our visit was as though no time had passed between us. I am happy. Sam supports what I do and respects the memories I carry (good and bad) about Riley. He has known me for more than 20 years and the best way to describe our relationship is that we are the closest of friends. It works for us.

More about single life: When Riley died I posted on Facebook that my status was “widowed”. That was a big mistake. I am inundated with friend requests from men who were almost always “catfishers”. There have been so many that I will not accept requests from men any longer unless they are a friend of one of my friends. If you have tried to send me a request and you are male, please e-mail me and tell me you are going to send the request. Under those conditions, I will accept it when I see it come through. I gladly accept friend requests from my followers for both the "Immortal Alcoholic" page and my personal page.

It took me a while to get used to this feeling of not being responsible for someone else. But, I can honestly say, that I’m enjoying the fact that I just don’t seem to be worried about very much. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen and the direction of whatever is happening is not something I can or want to control. Most days I wake up welcoming a fresh new day. Other days… well… not so much… But the “other days” happen less often now that Riley is gone. My biggest issue is making decisions about what I want to do and when I want to do it. Being able to do ANYTHING I want (within financial reason) can sometimes be a bit overwhelming. If I just sit quietly the answers will come as they always do.

I hope I’ve answered your questions. Please keep reading my blog, books (they are available on https://www.amazon.com/Books-Linda-Bartee-Doyne/s?ie=UTF8&page=1&rh=n%3A283155%2Cp_27%3ALinda%20Bartee%20Doyne ), and going to my Facebook pages. I’m also on Twitter (https://twitter.com/ImrtlAlkysWife), and LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/linda-doyne-21504763/ ).  

I make no promises as to when the next post will be, but I can tell you the subject matter will most likely be more alcoholism related.

That’s all there is… remember to follow Auntie Mame’s advise to “Live, Live, Live…”

A bit about Cirrhosis

Now available for public speaking on surviving the chaos of alcoholism as a spouse or family member. Also explanations of the diseases of alcoholism from an ordinary person's point of view. E-mail at LindaWrites@live.com or ImmortalAlcoholic@gmail.com.

Sunday Chat 3-11-2018

After rehab "normal"

SUNDAY MORNING CHAT

on Monday morning

March 5, 2018

Month of love... Redux

This post was first published on 2/19/2014. I felt it was worthy of a re-post.

I always seem to struggle through the month of February. In my mind it’s a small month that is packed with stuff – National Freedom Day, Groundhog Day, Rosa Parks Day, National Wear Red Day, Lincoln’s Birthday, Susan B Anthony Birthday, President’s Day, and let’s add Arkansas’ Daisy Gatson Bates Day. In spite of all the listed holidays, February is still known to be the month of love. Valentine’s Day seems to over-shadow all the others.

My struggle with this month of love is that I am a romantic disguised as a cynic. I make jokes about the best thing about Valentine’s Day is the day after when the candy can be bought at 75% off. I send funny cards and reserve all my goosheyness for my great-grandbabies who loved getting my little gifts declaring my love for them. If you pull back the mask and look underneath you will find that I’m not just a romantic, I am utterly and completely hopeless. I am also a realist. I suppose that means I’m a realistic hopeless romantic.

I was watching a television program about a wedding. It was beautiful. The gown was incredible with bits of shiny beads, pearls and lace. It fit her like a glove and her beautiful figure was easily recognized. Flowers were everywhere and all the guests were both smiling and crying. It would surely be a day the couple would remember for the rest of their lives.

As I watched and listened I noticed that somewhere inside me I experienced a bit of stinging when the vows were said and done and the minister pronounced them “husband and wife.” It was like the words were said in slow motion – h u s b a n d   and    w i f e. That part is always saved to the end of the ceremony, like they don’t tell you the punch line of the joke until the end. Husband and Wife. As if their names were no longer John and Mary, but rather “husband and wife.” I turned off the television and decided to put it out of my mind by baking some bread. I like to bake as a distraction from things that are disturbing.

The baking didn’t help because I kept thinking that I didn’t really know what all that meant – or maybe I did know what it meant and was uncomfortable with it. I’m sure it’s the later of the two. I am a wife and I have a husband. It’s a path I chose many years ago – more than 40 in fact. It was decision made with open eyes. As is the case with most newlyweds, I was young and inexperienced. When I think about it now I don’t understand how young couples can be expected to make such life-altering decisions at such a delicate, tender, age. It’s like saying at age 15, I’m gonna love roses my entire life and then realizing when you’re 40, that you like hydrangeas better. I suppose that’s why divorce was invented.

Strangely, I've never been a wife to a man that I felt I could have spent my entire life with. I've been married to an abuser (Peter) and to a drunk (Riley). If I have to measure, I have far more affection for Riley than I ever had for Peter which is understandable with all things considered. I am now, and have been almost forever, Riley’s wife. That means I do wifely things. I cook, clean, organize, manage, and take care of him because he cannot do these things for himself. Sometimes I do a better job than others, but I always do something for him on a daily basis. He is my husband and that means he is my responsibility.

I could have chosen to get a divorce when I realized that taking the vows meant I would be forever tied to this other person. But, I didn't. I’m a hopeless romantic. No matter how bad things got, I stayed the hopeless romantic. I believed he would leave his mistress, Ms Vodie Aristocrat, and return to me with a renewed vigor towards saving our marriage. That did not happen. When the mistress left him behind, she left a broken man who was not recognizable as the man with whom I took my vows.

People ask me how we have been able to stay together so long. They say we must have a secret to making our marriage work. I want to scream out that the only person the marriage works for is Riley. The secret for couples to have a long marriage is to marry someone who will feel a sense of responsibility and will not leave when things are unbearable. And if you split up, make sure you maintain some semblance of a bond, so the healthy one will come to the aid of the unhealthy one during bad times. My advice is to forget love and marry for loyalty. Did I mention that I’m a cynic?

I have a love-hate relationship with Valentine’s Day. I’m jealous of the people who I believe have found that true and everlasting love that will sustain them for their entire life, yet I'm happy for them. I long to have had that with the man that I believed would be a true and loving husband. I realize that will never happen. I fantasize that there is still hope for me. I believe that I have little time or energy left to really search for him. I refute the idea that a Prince Charming will ride up and save me from the beast. I would probably tell me to ride on and go save his own self anyway. I know that I want true love. I doubt that it will come to me in this lifetime.

Maybe there should be two types of marriages. First there should be the young love marriage that allows for the procreation of our species. If it lasts forever, that’s great. The second type of marriage is one based on practicalities like common interests, friendships, sexual compatibility and has nothing to do with producing offspring. This second type of marriage would happen at a later age when each individual has already been through the first type of marriage. Each individual would know themselves as their own person and would be better able to communicate wants, needs, desires, dreams, etc. In fact, the second type of marriage doesn't even have to be a licensed marriage. It could be just two people who join together with a common goal.

In my opinion, the chances of have a “first type” marriage that lasts till death do part is rare. No one is the same at age 60 as they are at age 20. If what you’re looking for is a “death do part” marriage, don’t get married until you’re already in your 50’s. It’s easier to keep the romance alive over a period of 20 or 30 years than it is 50 or 60 years.

This year on Valentine’s Day I did my usual cynical stuff. I laughed and carried on. Inside I was conflicted. Maybe just staying in bed under the covers for the entire month would have been a better way to handle things. Oh no… wait… I just realized that June will be upon is in no time. June is the wedding month… here I go again.

Today's Sunday Morning Chat 2-18-2018

Definition of End-Stage Alcoholism

Touching on a few points.

Forget the chick flicks

If you’ve been following my blog for a while you will know that I have a love/hate relationship with Valentine’s Day. In my opinion, the best part is that on the 15^th of Feb, all the Valentine candy will be half price. That’s a decent reward for enduring all the syrupy sweet advertising and romantic chick flicks.

It’s really isn’t that I’m not romantic because I truly am a romantic at heart. But, I don’t need a specific day to remember that I should be romantic to the people I love. Well… I know it’s not just about the romance; it’s really about expressing your feelings for those you love. I like to send little cards to my grandchildren and others who have a place in my heart. It’s fun for them to receive a little something in the mail.

Would I like to get a bouquet of peonies today? Well, of course I would. They are my favorite flower and I’d love to get them ANY day of the year. Although it would be nice, it is not a requirement for me to receive anything on this day. I would really rather just not look at today as anything special. However, if you want to send me peonies, please send them because you like me and not because some greeting card company has declared this as being the day dedicated to “love.”

Back in my younger day, I would be all ga-ga over whatever my man would give me or do for me on this day. In fact, Riley was an awesomely romantic guy. He would make dinner reservations and have a single red rose at my place at the table. He would send flowers to my office. Of course, as our marriage sank into that alcoholic abyss, he never even noticed it was February; let alone what day it was. Valentine’s Day lost any importance to me.

Over the years, I treated today just like any other day. I ignored the love birds swooning over one another and tried to find a direction for my eyes that didn’t include any lovers. I confess that it was difficult. But I had the kids to focus on and they were always excited for the day when they would receive little cards from school mates. For them, the best part of the day was the cupcakes and punch during their class party.

Now that Riley is gone and I’m now unmarried, I still don’t long for all the Valentine Day hoop-la. I’m still thinking, “Oh wouldn’t it be nice to get flowers,” but not really caring if I do or not. Valentine’s Day is still a day that I stay home, draw the curtains, and stay in my jammies. I won’t watch any chick flicks on TV, but will do a marathon viewing of any and all Arnold, Segal, Sylvester, and Willis movies that I can find.

I know… I know… you’re thinking that I’m jealous of all those people who are popping open that heart shaped box and inhaling the lovely aroma of chocolate. Maybe you think I’m secretly crying in my coffee because no one realizes that I’m essentially alone on this day of love. You could be right. But while I might be missing that chocolate essence and the attention from a man who cares about me, I don’t begrudge anyone else’s experience.

I suppose it’s a part of my philosophy of living until you die. If you can’t have everything you love, then love what you can have. Life is too short to sit around and mope over not having the sweet stuff of your dreams. Do what you enjoy and enjoy doing it. How productive is it, in the grand scheme of things, to wring your hands and cry buckets of tears because you can’t always have what you want?

You are probably asking… “What about Sam?” Sam and I have a very long distance relationship. We are not your typical couple. I don’t need him to fawn over me and shower me with gifts. He gives me what I need by engaging in conversations that have more to do with each of our activities, plans and interests. We don’t judge our relationship by other people’s standards and we don’t adhere to rules made up by whoever it is that makes up rules. Things are good and that’s the best Valentine’s Day gift I could have.

Valentine’s Day can be tough for those of you who are in an alcoholic relationship. My suggestion is to make yourself your own Valentine and do what feels best for you. Make yourself happy because you are the best Valentine that you’ll ever have.