Linda's Transition to Sanity

It’s been a pretty busy and heart breaking few months for me.

I was told that I could not have the surgery I need for another six months. That’s disappointing since I’ve been working towards having this for more than a year. It would have been life changing at just the right time. It will still be life changing, but at a different time and place.

I was forced to move from my big old farmhouse onto a sofa bed in my daughters’ living room.

My daughter is working more than 1400 miles away and I am care taking her two pit bulls (who hate my spaniel) while she is off earning a living.

I want to move to Florida but my funds have been exhausted because, as a lot of seniors know, my income has been cut in half since the death of Riley.

I was in the process of having my teeth fixed when Riley died and I had to stop in the middle due to lack of funds.

My best friend of 54 years is very ill and she may not be around long enough for me to go visit her one last time.

TO TOP ALL THAT OFF – the man I’ve been involved with for about 2 years has been diagnosed with cancer. Our relationship has been long distance and with all the stress and miscommunication, we’ve ended our relationship. HEART BREAKING. As much as I would hope for a reconciliation, I just don’t see that in the near future.

I need a new direction. A start on a new life without the chaos of anything alcohol-related. This realization comes on the heels of having had an opportunity to turn the Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife in a documentary film. That task would involve a lot… I mean… a lot… of fundraising which would consume an enormous amount of my time when I should be working at a regular paying job. URRGGHHH!

What I need is something that I’m sure most of my readers will not like. I am retiring from all my alcohol-related ventures. However, I will continue to do coaching. I love the one-on-one time I get with people who actually LIKE talking to me. I am happy that my experience can make someone else’s life more manageable. I’m not sure what I am going to do with the blog, but I plan to turn the posts into a book. I will be posting for a while to keep my readers up to date on my progress. But, I don't know how long I will be posting.

I have begun my search for a job in my old profession – real estate title examining. Hopefully someone will consider my California real estate experience to be of benefit in the state of Florida. If not, I can always try for a job as a greeter at a big box store.

Yes. I’m still moving to Florida. Orange trees, sunshine, white beaches, friends and a new adventure.

I would like a hasty exit. A clean cut from the memories that this state holds for me. To make that happen, I am asking my readers to please help me raise funds for this major transition in my life. I am going to Florida with only the things that will fit in my car, so I will need just about everything to set up my new home – a small apartment in a lovely complex.

My goal is $5000 to cover the cost of transportation, apartment deposit, basic set up essentials, groceries and a portion of my remaining dental expense ($2000). I welcome donations of Marriott Reward points or other gift cards. The reward will be based on the dollar value of the donation.

Anyone who donates to LINDA’s TRANSITION TO SANITY Fund will receive:  

Available Rewards	$15	$25	$50	$100	$200	$300	$400
Immortal Alcohol Blog Post Book				X	X	X	X
Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife			X			X	X
Workbook for Caregivers					X	X	X
Surviving the Chaos					X	X	X
That Reminds Me							X
Huh? ABCs of Understanding Women							X
90-minute Massage Envy gift card						X
Coaching Session (1 hour session)	X	XX	XX	X	X		X

     All donations, no matter the amount, will gain a shout out on my FaceBook and this blog.

Make your donation thru PayPal to LDoyne@live.com.

OR

A bowl of cherries...

 Since Riley’s death, I’ve had a hard time focusing on a single goal. I call it “floundering.” There are lots of things than need my attention, but I can’t seem to do one thing to completion, but rather switch back and forth, back and forth.

I wake up in the morning and say to myself… “Self, you will do something today that is positive and will set the course for more positive things. Today you will complete just ONE thing.” Self listens to me – for about half a nano-second. Then it’s a little of this and a little of that. Back and forth… back and forth.

Back in the day, when Riley went to rehab, and there were lots of those times, I would sit in the empty, quiet house and think about all the things I needed to do. I made a mental list. Followed by a written list. Followed by organizing and categorizing the list thereby creating more lists. I would hold the list in my hand, smooth it out on the desktop, fold it into fourths, turn it over, unfold it, then tell myself I would start marking things off the list first the thing the next morning.

The next morning, I would have awakened from a wonderfully peaceful nights sleep because there were no interruptions from a drunken Riley doing whatever it was he was doing in the middle of the night. At first, I would be startled from the sheer quietness, but then realize, oh yeah, Riley is in rehab. I have my coffee, a cup or three, and take out my list.

Well, I think to myself, I can do this and get it done. But before I finish getting it done, some other task catches my eye and I start on that. That’s the way it continues until the day Riley returns from rehab and I realize not ONE of the tasks on the list have been completed. But, that should be OK because Riley is a new and improved person because he’s been in rehab and vows to never drink again. Maybe he will help finish the list.

OK… well.. the first six or so times he came back from rehab, I would probably have believed that line of recovery speak. After that, he could have been telling me that the rainbow landed in our backyard and there were several pots of gold out there just waiting for me to go cash them in.

FANTASY. It would be a fantasy if I truly believed that my life with a newly recovering alcoholic would be a bowl of cherries with a dollop of whipped cream on top. The truth is he will exchange the alcohol addiction to a support group addiction. That’s the way it has to be in order for him to maintain everything he gained inside the center.

He’s not going to help me cross those items off that list I so thoughtfully made while he was learning how to live without alcohol. There may be a brief “honeymoon” period where everything is all lightness and loving and just simply wonderful. But it never lasts. I enjoyed it while I could. Made the most of it because I COULD NOT depend on it being there forever.

Things would be good. Sometimes things would be great. But eventually, they would always revert back to being terrible. And I would ALWAYS be devastated.

You see… I screwed up way back up there when I was making out the list. That list should have been things for me to do that I WANTED for MY life. It should have been things to make my life happier, more fulfilling, without Riley in my life at all. They should have been things I wanted / needed to do that didn’t include Riley. While he was in rehab he was making his own list for his life and when he got out, he was acting on that list and life. It had nothing to do with my life. That’s what I should have been doing for myself instead of making a list of chores and tasks.

So, your alcoholic is in rehab. Now What?? Don’t expect that bowl of cherries life with him. Instead make it a bowl of YOUR favorite fruit and don’t share it with anyone. It’s your bowl. It’s your life. Make it what you want.

For more on what to do now that he's in rehab see this post:

https://immortalalcoholic.blogspot.com/2014/11/hes-in-rehab-now-what.html

A place called "denial"

There is a place I want to visit. It’s Denial Bay, South Australia. It’s really just a fishing and tourist village on the western side of Murat Bay about 350 miles from Adelaide. This bay and village was named from the “deceptive hope [they] had formed penetrating by it some distance into the interior of the country.” In other words it was suspected that the bay would provide an entry into the interior regions of the country, but instead was simply a bay and not an entrance. Denial Bay is now a stop for tourists who wish to enjoy a change of scenery from the salt bushes.

It doesn’t sound like such a bad place to visit. It doesn’t conjure up visions of doom that the phrase “floating up the river of Denial” seems to generate.

Let’s take a look at the word “denial”. It can be a verb deriving from the word “deny” or it can be a noun indicating a place called “Denial.” In this case, the real place of Denial Bay and the fictional river of Denial.

I think the word “denial” has gotten a bad rap. Sometimes denying certain things is a means to protect ourselves from potentially harmful situations. For example, I deny that I like any food that is spicy hot. The reality is that I DO like a bit of spice to my food, but if I say I don’t, I won’t get a dish so hot that I need a fire extinguisher to put out the flames. I protect myself from that pain by denying that I want any heat at all.

When my doctor asks me if I have trouble sleeping, I tell him absolutely not. However, as that clock turns to 3:00 A.M. and sleep is NOT on the horizon, I realize that I’m in denial about my sleeping habits. I believe I may be trying to protect myself from something by lying to my doctor. I have no clue why. I just know that I’m in denial.

When Riley was alive, I denied that stress was affecting my life. In my mind, if I said it often enough, denied it vehemently, it would not be true. The reality is that stress was destroying my physical and mental health. In my mind, I thought that it didn’t matter if I denied or not because there was nothing I could do about the situation. It was better to accept that the way my life was, is how my life would be and denial made all that easier.

I have a friend who denies that he wants a committed relationship. He claims not to want a relationship in order to protect himself from a broken heart. So he ends each potential mating before there’s a chance to find out if she is Ms. Right. Denying that there could be a Ms Right protects him from the pain of heartbreak.

Alcoholics don’t want to admit they are alcoholics so they deny that alcohol is a problem. Spouses deny that alcohol has any effect on their lives because they don’t want the outside world’s image of a perfectly loving marriage to be blemished in any way. The spouse is denying as a means of protecting the marriage.

No one wants to admit that their thought process is flawed. Accepting the thing that you’re denying is downright terrifying. It means facing the fact that a change needs to happen. Sometimes we don’t know how to change and sometimes we simply prefer our status quo. Some people live their entire life in the fictional state of denial while others make a move to reality, confront and resolve their issues.

I believe my life would have been far more enjoyable if I had not denied that Riley’s condition was causing me harm. I believe I would have accomplished more, learned more, laughed more, enjoyed more, and been more introspective of my own needs, had I just admitted that I was in need of help to relieve the stress. My denial was not the protector I thought it was.

Those of you who follow me know that I plan a lot of things. Many of them don’t happen the way I plan or in the time frame I want to do them. I deny that they will never happen. I’m planning a trip to Denial Bay, South Australia. After all, if I’m going to be in denial, I might as well enjoy seeing the sights of a sleepy fishing village that is the real Denial Bay. Anyone want to join me?

The joy of sex... or not...

Let’s talk loving sex.

I’m going to give you a glimpse into a very personal part of my life with Riley. When we first met and our love was fresh and new, our sex life was incredibly good. Love making took place at any time or place that the desire hit us. Foreplay started in the early morning hours and lasted through the day.

I thought Riley must have been given some kind of gift from God that was my personal instructor into such parts of the life. What can I say… I was young and sexually naïve. He was my lover and I loved him completely.

Let’s talk sex and alcohol.

As time went on, Riley became more interested in alcohol than he was in making love to me and the very frequent basis that it had been was considerably less often. Foreplay became a means to an end and became routine. We were simply two people who engaged in satisfying sex without much expression of love.

Riley began trying to encourage me to have sex in ways that I had never considered and was not interested. I didn’t want anything to do with swapping, a common practice in certain social circles during the 1970s. Neither was I open to any form of S & M practices. Of course, back then, we didn’t have Christian Grey to lead the way.

The increased alcohol consumption seems to have awakened in Riley a longing for a more interesting sex life. I was simply Vanilla and he was craving Rocky Road. He took that craving and found other women who were more in line with his desires.

Let’s talk sex with an alcoholic.  

Kissing an alcoholic is like sharing his last drink. The taste of vodka, or the drink of the minute, lingers on his lips and leaves the recycled alcohol anywhere that the alcoholic decides to kiss.

There is a pungent order to the alcoholic that does not wash away in the shower. It’s always there on their skin, in their clothes, and on their breath. It’s difficult to get around the odor to even give a friendly kiss, let alone be close enough for coitus.

Drunks are often sloppy in love-making and revert to a “get on, get off, and get out” mentality. Kisses are slobberly messes that create saliva trails on the partner’s skin. It’s like taking a spit bath with real spit generated from the most current booze refill. Their muscles have no firmness so they cannot support themselves over the body of their partner and end up lying flat on top as though the partner isn’t even there. Once ejaculation is achieved, they simply slide off the partner into a hazy unconsciousness leaving ejaculate spread like butter over the partner’s abdomen and legs.

When the alcoholic has sex the partner is not considered because sex becomes simply a way of achieving orgasm. There is no consideration for the partner’s satisfaction. The encounter may turn into a mindless “f . . k fest”.

For me, as a woman who has been married and intimate with a full-fledged alcoholic, I would rather engage my electronic toys and summon an imaginary lover from the creative part of my brain, than to deal with a drunken male counterpart.

From a clinical point of view:

Alcohol numbs the frontal lobe of the brain which is the home of things like common sense, logic, rational thought and values. When this part of the brain is saturated with alcohol all the things that reside there go to sleep and what would normally be forbidden now becomes acceptable. Inhibitions are lessened and rational thought no longer available to prevent making bad decisions.

The absence of the things that prevent a person from being foolish allows the drunk to take risks that would commonly not be taken. Sexual acts not previously acceptable, become desirable during the course of the drunkenness. In that moment, it isn’t really experimentation because it FEELS like a good thing to do. In a sober state of mind, those things would not take place but with the entrance of an over-indulgence of alcohol, anything goes.

You may be thinking… “Wow. That’s great. I’m going to get drunk so I’ll be more open to sexual encounters.” But, it’s not all good when you think of the physiological aspects of excessive alcohol consumption.

For men who imbibe, testosterone production is decreased and can even be inhibited all together. The reduction of testosterone results in adverse effects on libido and physical arousal. Ejaculation is not as intense or physically satisfying. Emotionally, since the frontal lobe is essentially turned off, there is very little connection between the act of sex and any emotional feeling. Sex becomes more mechanical rather than personal.

So when a sober man says, after a night of drunken sex with someone other than the significant other, “It didn’t mean anything.” Sadly, he is telling the truth.

In short, you can’t get it in if you can’t get it up. Once it’s up it doesn’t matter who or what it’s in. You could have sex with a warm blooded human or a blow up doll, it makes no difference.

For women, with inhibitions gone, sex may become more exciting and even more enjoyable. Alcohol has a tendency to INCREASE the levels of testosterone which may result in more interest in sex. However, there is a decrease in the intensity of the orgasm while increasing the amount of time that the orgasm will continue.

There are other concerns for both men and women. The lack of concern for birth control may result in a pregnancy with a person who is essentially a stranger. With common sense gone, intercourse without condoms may result in sexually transmitted diseases. If the two people are strangers, there is always the old “OMG! I hooked up with an axe murderer!” possibility.

Don’t misunderstand. I’m all for sex. I’m especially in favor of sex with a partner who knows my name and remembers who I am during the act. There are times when I simply want sex and then there are times when I want love-making. It doesn’t matter what the situation is, I always want my partner to have his frontal lobe in full working order before we get to the bedroom.

Two ways out...

Alcoholism is disease that not only destroys the individual but also destroys anyone within peripheral range of the alcoholic. Family and friends desperately try to help the alcoholic understand that life would be so much better if he/she would simply stop drinking.

There are really only two ways out of alcoholism – death or sobriety. Many alcoholics would prefer to drink themselves to death rather than live a sober lifestyle. It is part of the insanity of the disease. The alcoholic toxins that find a home in the frontal lobe of the brain make it nearly impossible for them to make rational or logical decisions.

The only chance for an alcoholic’s survival begins with detoxification of the poisons in the brain and body. Testing to determine the extent of the damage to both brain and body can only be determined when the as much of the toxins as possible have been removed from the alcoholic’s body. Once the alcoholic’s ability to think rationally has returned treatment in a rehab facility becomes more acceptable.

Successful recovery from alcoholism is more likely when the alcoholic attends a long-term residential treatment center. This should include weeks of both group and individual therapy and an introduction to various recovery programs such as, AA or recovery coaching

An important aspect of alcoholism treatment is getting help for the family and friends. It doesn’t matter how good the treatment facility is for the alcoholic, if he/she returns to the same toxic environment, the chance for relapse increases greatly. Rehab centers often offer a program for the family while the alcoholic is a patient. There are also family support groups, such as Al-Anon, that meet regularly. There are also on-line support group, such as OARS Family and Friends Group on FaceBook which allows the opportunity to connect with someone in similar situations on a 24/7 basis.

I offer one-on-one coaching for families & loved ones of alcoholics via video chat or telephone. The charge for a one-hour session is $30 with flexibility as to the one-hour time limit. I am not a licensed therapist, doctor, lawyer or anything else. I offer support, encouragement, suggestions and the opportunity to vent without judgement or criticism.

Let me be clear

I was trying to explain that leaving an alcoholic husband or partner doesn’t mean you don’t love the person you’re leaving. It’s possible and sometimes more practical to love someone from a distance. There comes a time when the non-alcoholic must consider their own survival and express unconditional love for oneself.

There are many practical reasons why non-alcoholic’s stay with the alcoholic. There may be economic considerations or simply the fact that the alcoholic has reached a point of no return on being able to take care of his or her own needs. Maybe the vows you took in becoming a wedded couple are the tie that binds you. Maybe you’re hoping there will be a change.

It doesn’t matter why you stay. It doesn’t matter what your reasons are for going. What matters is that you put yourself as top priority in your life.

I have loved a man unconditionally and have promised to never abandon him. But there comes a point in time when that knowledge may lead the loved one to taking unconditional love for granted. Limits may get pushed. Arguments may take place and hurtful words exchanged. And that’s WITHOUT the influence of alcohol.

When alcohol is involved everything is multiplied by at least three. The hurts are deeper; the indiscretions are less discreet; the consequences are more consequential. The one loving unconditionally must ask the hard question about how much unconditional love can be tolerated before reaching the breaking point. At what point is there nothing left to give?

This is the question that only the unconditional lover can answer. Everyone’s breaking point is different and everyone handles different situations in their own unique way.

For me – I get tired of doing all the forgiving and receiving no forgiveness in return. I have a high tolerance level. But don’t take that to mean that I won’t walk away. Sometimes I don’t walk – I run.

Intervention -- When, How, and How Much?

Thank you to Sandy Jones founder of Synergy Breakthroughs for today's guest blog post. Sandy created Synergy Breakthroughs in 2010 to"assist individual, groups and organizations in developing the kind of creativity and resilience that would optimize the experience of navigating through change." http://synergybreakthroughs.com/background/

By Sandy Jones

As the loved ones of someone who is an alcoholic (or drug user, or polydrug user), our situations may vary widely; but one thing we all share is the heartache of seeing someone decline – sometimes over a very long period of time – due to the effects of a substance. Sometimes, that trajectory is reversed; other times, it isn’t.

In 2009, I was stunned when my nephew, Ray, died of alcoholism. How could we (the family) have let this happen? Of course, not knowing anything, I was posing a question that flew in the face of what was supposed to be common knowledge – that this was not something that we let happen, it was something that they let happen. As for what we were supposed to do, we were supposed to “Wait ‘til they ask for help” or “Wait ‘til they hit rock bottom.”

In any case, my nephew’s death set me on a quest for answers, and along the way, I discovered that common knowledge was wrong – we were not supposed to “Wait ‘til they ask for help” or “Wait ‘til they hit rock bottom.” And even more jarring was that the experts were saying this way before Ray died. Years before Ray died, in an earlier version of the book, Love First, former presidential candidate and Senator George McGovern recounted in the book’s Forward that they listened to well-meaning friends who said to wait ‘til his daughter hit rock bottom; but the problem was that when they did this, she died. And I also learned that in a survey that Hazelden conducted, where they asked alcoholics what had set them on a course to recovery, 77% said that a friend or relative had intervened.

But back to the question of when, how, and how much we should intervene. There are actually observational signposts, clinical evaluations, and even what I call the one-question litmus test (which actually has a pretty high rate of accuracy) that can help us to answer the “when” – when to know when it’s time for our loved one to get help. (Professionals sometimes use these types of evaluations, and in the end, we would of course want to consult a professional.)

As for the “how,” things have come a long way since the traditional treatment that we all know about – the living room intervention with the loved ones, and then it’s off to the residential treatment center. Don’t get me wrong – this is still a very common treatment, and it still saves lives. But I learned that there are so many other things out there. You can look at what’s out there, you can look at where your alcoholic is; and you can try to make the best match. In some cases, you can even involve your alcoholic. And the way you communicate is very important. Years of research have been put into this, and one of the best books I’ve seen, which has an approach with a very good success rate of getting your loved one into treatment, is the book, Get Your Loved One Sober, by Robert J. Meyers.

As for “how much,” that’s a tough one. In my book, I talk about enabling, not enabling, and abandoning, but that’s in relation to codependency and does not really address “how much.” When I think about it, it’s such a universal life question: When do we keep trying? When do we give up? When is it better to keep trying or to give up? In life, as in addiction, we can’t read the future, so we can’t know until later. But I love what Dr. Meyers says – he basically says that if you do your best and things don’t turn out the way you expected, you can rest in the awareness that you did the best you could. And it’s good to keep in mind that you did what was within the scope of your knowledge or understanding at the time to do.  {What else can we do?)

And speaking of knowledge, knowledge is definitely power, but many of us don’t have the time – we’re too busy just trying to survive! And addiction is a tough nut to crack – now, more than ever, given the added challenges of prescription drug abuse, designer drugs, and polydrug use! But together, we can accomplish so much more than we can, alone. This is why we need to start forming solution-oriented groups, where we would not just learn together, but also exchange our ideas and experiences with each other, support each other, and each create a strategy – an action plan that will support us in doing the best we can to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. As the saying goes, “We may not have it all together; but together, we have it all!”

Sandy Jones is the author of Intervene: An Emergency Guide to Heavy Drinking, Alcoholism, and Drug Addiction. Her book can be purchased on Amazon at (short link to Amazon): http://www.tinyurl.com/InterveneBook or by entering “Intervene an emergency guide” at Amazon.com. She is offering a complimentary ebook of Intervene to the first five readers who agree to write an honest review of the book on Amazon within 4 weeks of receiving it. (To participate, submit your email to SynergyBreakthroughs@gmail.com or support@synergybreakthroughs.com.

First do no harm...

I have a follower who is the divorced wife of a very end-stage alcoholic. He is currently in the hospital. He had never signed a Medical Power of Attorney, so no one is legally in charge of his care. Yes, the closet living relative will be asked to take on the responsibility which would be his children. However, the children have become estranged over the years because they did not want to suffer the heart break of watching their father slowly kill himself. There are no other relatives.

As often happens in alcoholic marriages, the couple divorced because of the outfall of the alcoholic’s actions. The wife/husband will often separate themselves, so they do not have the unfortunate financial burden if the alcoholic should get himself into financial trouble. It doesn’t mean they no longer have feelings one for another. It’s often a greater act of love.

If the divorced couple do not have in place the legal paperwork that allows the sober partner to “watch over” the drunk partner, the drunk partner could fall to the mercy of the medical community. While their first obligation is to do no harm, the prime objective is to continue life for as long as the patient can draw a breath. The medical community is not as concerned about the quality of life as they are about the quantity of life.

The name of this blog, “Immortal Alcoholic”, is from the idea that an alcoholic can be so close to death and miraculously return to the living many times over and again. Unfortunately, they do not learn to stop drinking because they just had a near-death experience. Most often the alcoholic will not remember any of the trauma that brought him to, and during, the event. There is no lesson learned for the alcoholic. He will most likely NOT wake up and say “Hey, I think I should stop drinking, go to rehab, and live a full productive life.” What will probably happen is that he will want to stop at a liquor store on the way home from the hospital.

The families remember. They remember every detail, every harsh word, every derogatory name, every jump-start of the heart, every coma-like minute of the hospital stay. They are exhausted. They are a mixture of elation and disappointment. They live a life of contradiction. While happy the loved one is alive, they are disappointed that there is no end in sight. And they are angry. Through the laughter and smiles, they try to hide their anger. They know that what they have just been through over the last days or weeks, is a process that will be repeated. It’s just a matter of time.

A Medical Power of Attorney, which gives the right to make decisions for the alcoholic when they cannot make the decision on their own, over to a trusted individual. Usually it is given to the spouse but can be assigned to anyone of the alcoholic’s choosing. There should be a clear understanding of what the alcoholic would want in terms of continuing his life. The choices should be made during a time when the alcoholic is the most sober.

Riley vacillated between having a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate Order) and not having a DNR. However, he was always adamant about not wanting to be kept alive on any type of equipment. If he could not breathe on his own, he was not to be kept alive. If it appeared he would not have a quality of life that allowed him to live independently, he did not want to continue living. The biggest issue for him was that if he couldn’t continue drinking, he would rather not continue living. He would rather be dead than sober. If there was any doubt as to what his quality of life would be, he wanted to not take the chance that he would end up as a vegetable. He wanted me to “pull the plug.”

The family knows that there is more to living than just the activity of the heart and lungs. If the cycle is going to continue, which is usually does, then who does it serve to keep the alcoholic alive? The alcoholic may get a few more months of hazy, fuzzy, bliss. The family gets a few more months of worry and frustration. The hospitals and doctors get richer with each hospitalization while the insurance companies get poorer.

If you are an alcoholic – do your family a favor and get the Medical Power of Attorney and leave no doubt as to what you want. If you’re a family member, encourage or insist, that the alcoholic in your life get that simple document that allows you to make the decision to do what is right for the alcoholic. It’s a piece of paper that will insure the alcoholic gets the best and most appropriate care possible.

After all, who knows the alcoholic better than the people who are the closest to him/her? No one’s life should be left in the complete power of strangers.

Find more helpful information and support in my books. Medical information about alcohol related diseases and complications in a language the average person can understand can be found in both "Immortal Alcoholic's Wife" and "Workbook for Caretakers of End-Stage Alcoholics". Find support for yourself and regain your life in "Surviving the Chaos". To lighten your mood, try reading "Huh? The ABC's of Understanding Women" and/or "That Reminds Me." There is something for everyone. Just go to https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=Linda+Bartee+Doyne

Where, What, When, Why, How???

I got a message asking me where I was, what was I doing, and, when am I coming back. I also received a comment about how I was adjusting to single life and had I started my book tour yet.

No, I have not started the book tour. I discovered that I have a surgery that I must recover from before I start any extensive travel. I could postpone the surgery, but I’d like to leave for the tour without anything hanging over my head. Book tour is STILL on, but probably not until closer to the first part of the year. My route will depend on the weather, but everyone who has asked me to come, will see my bright shining face.

Sadly, I’m moving from my big old country farm house into my daughter’s house. The farm house is up for sale and it’s easier if I just move out now. Anyone interested in a house on eight acres of land built in 1858, send me an e-mail and I’ll put you in touch with the realtor. I do not own this house, however, my 8^th & 9^th grandfathers once owned a part of the land. Interesting, since I didn’t know any of my family was from this area.

What I am doing… I’m packing, purging, downsizing and preparing for the move. I was surprised at how difficult it is to go thru all of Riley’s things and decide what to keep, give away, and just get rid of. I feel that I’m invading his privacy and erasing all evidence of his previous existence. I have stacks of books on AA with duplicate copies. What I can’t find a home for, will be donated to the local library.

When am I coming back? I never really left.  I was working diligently on the upcoming presentation in Williamsburg, VA. However, with the move and surgery looming over me, I postponed the presentation for a couple of months. I’m writing the sequel to Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife and working on another non-alcohol related fun book similar to the ABC’s of Understanding Women.

Oh my goodness, what can I tell you about my single life?? I’m still in a relationship with Sam. I have visited him after not seeing him in 13 years. Our visit was as though no time had passed between us. I am happy. Sam supports what I do and respects the memories I carry (good and bad) about Riley. He has known me for more than 20 years and the best way to describe our relationship is that we are the closest of friends. It works for us.

More about single life: When Riley died I posted on Facebook that my status was “widowed”. That was a big mistake. I am inundated with friend requests from men who were almost always “catfishers”. There have been so many that I will not accept requests from men any longer unless they are a friend of one of my friends. If you have tried to send me a request and you are male, please e-mail me and tell me you are going to send the request. Under those conditions, I will accept it when I see it come through. I gladly accept friend requests from my followers for both the "Immortal Alcoholic" page and my personal page.

It took me a while to get used to this feeling of not being responsible for someone else. But, I can honestly say, that I’m enjoying the fact that I just don’t seem to be worried about very much. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen and the direction of whatever is happening is not something I can or want to control. Most days I wake up welcoming a fresh new day. Other days… well… not so much… But the “other days” happen less often now that Riley is gone. My biggest issue is making decisions about what I want to do and when I want to do it. Being able to do ANYTHING I want (within financial reason) can sometimes be a bit overwhelming. If I just sit quietly the answers will come as they always do.

I hope I’ve answered your questions. Please keep reading my blog, books (they are available on https://www.amazon.com/Books-Linda-Bartee-Doyne/s?ie=UTF8&page=1&rh=n%3A283155%2Cp_27%3ALinda%20Bartee%20Doyne ), and going to my Facebook pages. I’m also on Twitter (https://twitter.com/ImrtlAlkysWife), and LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/linda-doyne-21504763/ ).  

I make no promises as to when the next post will be, but I can tell you the subject matter will most likely be more alcoholism related.

That’s all there is… remember to follow Auntie Mame’s advise to “Live, Live, Live…”

A bit about Cirrhosis

Now available for public speaking on surviving the chaos of alcoholism as a spouse or family member. Also explanations of the diseases of alcoholism from an ordinary person's point of view. E-mail at LindaWrites@live.com or ImmortalAlcoholic@gmail.com.

Sunday Chat 3-11-2018

After rehab "normal"

SUNDAY MORNING CHAT

on Monday morning

March 5, 2018

Month of love... Redux

This post was first published on 2/19/2014. I felt it was worthy of a re-post.

I always seem to struggle through the month of February. In my mind it’s a small month that is packed with stuff – National Freedom Day, Groundhog Day, Rosa Parks Day, National Wear Red Day, Lincoln’s Birthday, Susan B Anthony Birthday, President’s Day, and let’s add Arkansas’ Daisy Gatson Bates Day. In spite of all the listed holidays, February is still known to be the month of love. Valentine’s Day seems to over-shadow all the others.

My struggle with this month of love is that I am a romantic disguised as a cynic. I make jokes about the best thing about Valentine’s Day is the day after when the candy can be bought at 75% off. I send funny cards and reserve all my goosheyness for my great-grandbabies who loved getting my little gifts declaring my love for them. If you pull back the mask and look underneath you will find that I’m not just a romantic, I am utterly and completely hopeless. I am also a realist. I suppose that means I’m a realistic hopeless romantic.

I was watching a television program about a wedding. It was beautiful. The gown was incredible with bits of shiny beads, pearls and lace. It fit her like a glove and her beautiful figure was easily recognized. Flowers were everywhere and all the guests were both smiling and crying. It would surely be a day the couple would remember for the rest of their lives.

As I watched and listened I noticed that somewhere inside me I experienced a bit of stinging when the vows were said and done and the minister pronounced them “husband and wife.” It was like the words were said in slow motion – h u s b a n d   and    w i f e. That part is always saved to the end of the ceremony, like they don’t tell you the punch line of the joke until the end. Husband and Wife. As if their names were no longer John and Mary, but rather “husband and wife.” I turned off the television and decided to put it out of my mind by baking some bread. I like to bake as a distraction from things that are disturbing.

The baking didn’t help because I kept thinking that I didn’t really know what all that meant – or maybe I did know what it meant and was uncomfortable with it. I’m sure it’s the later of the two. I am a wife and I have a husband. It’s a path I chose many years ago – more than 40 in fact. It was decision made with open eyes. As is the case with most newlyweds, I was young and inexperienced. When I think about it now I don’t understand how young couples can be expected to make such life-altering decisions at such a delicate, tender, age. It’s like saying at age 15, I’m gonna love roses my entire life and then realizing when you’re 40, that you like hydrangeas better. I suppose that’s why divorce was invented.

Strangely, I've never been a wife to a man that I felt I could have spent my entire life with. I've been married to an abuser (Peter) and to a drunk (Riley). If I have to measure, I have far more affection for Riley than I ever had for Peter which is understandable with all things considered. I am now, and have been almost forever, Riley’s wife. That means I do wifely things. I cook, clean, organize, manage, and take care of him because he cannot do these things for himself. Sometimes I do a better job than others, but I always do something for him on a daily basis. He is my husband and that means he is my responsibility.

I could have chosen to get a divorce when I realized that taking the vows meant I would be forever tied to this other person. But, I didn't. I’m a hopeless romantic. No matter how bad things got, I stayed the hopeless romantic. I believed he would leave his mistress, Ms Vodie Aristocrat, and return to me with a renewed vigor towards saving our marriage. That did not happen. When the mistress left him behind, she left a broken man who was not recognizable as the man with whom I took my vows.

People ask me how we have been able to stay together so long. They say we must have a secret to making our marriage work. I want to scream out that the only person the marriage works for is Riley. The secret for couples to have a long marriage is to marry someone who will feel a sense of responsibility and will not leave when things are unbearable. And if you split up, make sure you maintain some semblance of a bond, so the healthy one will come to the aid of the unhealthy one during bad times. My advice is to forget love and marry for loyalty. Did I mention that I’m a cynic?

I have a love-hate relationship with Valentine’s Day. I’m jealous of the people who I believe have found that true and everlasting love that will sustain them for their entire life, yet I'm happy for them. I long to have had that with the man that I believed would be a true and loving husband. I realize that will never happen. I fantasize that there is still hope for me. I believe that I have little time or energy left to really search for him. I refute the idea that a Prince Charming will ride up and save me from the beast. I would probably tell me to ride on and go save his own self anyway. I know that I want true love. I doubt that it will come to me in this lifetime.

Maybe there should be two types of marriages. First there should be the young love marriage that allows for the procreation of our species. If it lasts forever, that’s great. The second type of marriage is one based on practicalities like common interests, friendships, sexual compatibility and has nothing to do with producing offspring. This second type of marriage would happen at a later age when each individual has already been through the first type of marriage. Each individual would know themselves as their own person and would be better able to communicate wants, needs, desires, dreams, etc. In fact, the second type of marriage doesn't even have to be a licensed marriage. It could be just two people who join together with a common goal.

In my opinion, the chances of have a “first type” marriage that lasts till death do part is rare. No one is the same at age 60 as they are at age 20. If what you’re looking for is a “death do part” marriage, don’t get married until you’re already in your 50’s. It’s easier to keep the romance alive over a period of 20 or 30 years than it is 50 or 60 years.

This year on Valentine’s Day I did my usual cynical stuff. I laughed and carried on. Inside I was conflicted. Maybe just staying in bed under the covers for the entire month would have been a better way to handle things. Oh no… wait… I just realized that June will be upon is in no time. June is the wedding month… here I go again.

Today's Sunday Morning Chat 2-18-2018

Definition of End-Stage Alcoholism

Touching on a few points.

Forget the chick flicks

If you’ve been following my blog for a while you will know that I have a love/hate relationship with Valentine’s Day. In my opinion, the best part is that on the 15^th of Feb, all the Valentine candy will be half price. That’s a decent reward for enduring all the syrupy sweet advertising and romantic chick flicks.

It’s really isn’t that I’m not romantic because I truly am a romantic at heart. But, I don’t need a specific day to remember that I should be romantic to the people I love. Well… I know it’s not just about the romance; it’s really about expressing your feelings for those you love. I like to send little cards to my grandchildren and others who have a place in my heart. It’s fun for them to receive a little something in the mail.

Would I like to get a bouquet of peonies today? Well, of course I would. They are my favorite flower and I’d love to get them ANY day of the year. Although it would be nice, it is not a requirement for me to receive anything on this day. I would really rather just not look at today as anything special. However, if you want to send me peonies, please send them because you like me and not because some greeting card company has declared this as being the day dedicated to “love.”

Back in my younger day, I would be all ga-ga over whatever my man would give me or do for me on this day. In fact, Riley was an awesomely romantic guy. He would make dinner reservations and have a single red rose at my place at the table. He would send flowers to my office. Of course, as our marriage sank into that alcoholic abyss, he never even noticed it was February; let alone what day it was. Valentine’s Day lost any importance to me.

Over the years, I treated today just like any other day. I ignored the love birds swooning over one another and tried to find a direction for my eyes that didn’t include any lovers. I confess that it was difficult. But I had the kids to focus on and they were always excited for the day when they would receive little cards from school mates. For them, the best part of the day was the cupcakes and punch during their class party.

Now that Riley is gone and I’m now unmarried, I still don’t long for all the Valentine Day hoop-la. I’m still thinking, “Oh wouldn’t it be nice to get flowers,” but not really caring if I do or not. Valentine’s Day is still a day that I stay home, draw the curtains, and stay in my jammies. I won’t watch any chick flicks on TV, but will do a marathon viewing of any and all Arnold, Segal, Sylvester, and Willis movies that I can find.

I know… I know… you’re thinking that I’m jealous of all those people who are popping open that heart shaped box and inhaling the lovely aroma of chocolate. Maybe you think I’m secretly crying in my coffee because no one realizes that I’m essentially alone on this day of love. You could be right. But while I might be missing that chocolate essence and the attention from a man who cares about me, I don’t begrudge anyone else’s experience.

I suppose it’s a part of my philosophy of living until you die. If you can’t have everything you love, then love what you can have. Life is too short to sit around and mope over not having the sweet stuff of your dreams. Do what you enjoy and enjoy doing it. How productive is it, in the grand scheme of things, to wring your hands and cry buckets of tears because you can’t always have what you want?

You are probably asking… “What about Sam?” Sam and I have a very long distance relationship. We are not your typical couple. I don’t need him to fawn over me and shower me with gifts. He gives me what I need by engaging in conversations that have more to do with each of our activities, plans and interests. We don’t judge our relationship by other people’s standards and we don’t adhere to rules made up by whoever it is that makes up rules. Things are good and that’s the best Valentine’s Day gift I could have.

Valentine’s Day can be tough for those of you who are in an alcoholic relationship. My suggestion is to make yourself your own Valentine and do what feels best for you. Make yourself happy because you are the best Valentine that you’ll ever have.  

Sunday Morning Chat 2-11-2018

Six words equal Survival

When I first started writing the blog, I had already done months’ worth of research in order to get answers that were written in a format that I could understand. It didn’t happen overnight. I recall how I came upon each subject for research in The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife.

However, there was a topic that I just couldn’t get my head around. The idea of recovery for the people who care about the alcoholic seemed to escape me. In my mind the only way for a spouse to recover from all that nonsense was to just get a divorce – leave him/her – kick ‘em to the curb! But there are also parents and children and friends and partners and co-works… the list goes on. What would be the answer to recovery for everyone?

As time went on, I discovered that the families and friends may need recovery just as much as the alcoholic. That’s why Al-Anon was created. It was to provide courage, strength and hope to the families and friends of alcoholics. There are 12 steps and 12 traditions that provide the handrails up the recovery ladder. Al-Anon provides a wonderful place for those just starting out in the realization and acceptance of being involved with an alcoholic.

But for me, the concept of recovery goes far deeper. There are so many of us that cannot or will not dump the alcoholic for some reason or another. Often when the alcoholic becomes end-stage separating from the alcoholic becomes just as problematic as the drinking itself. Everyone must make their own decision on leaving, staying, or whatever. For those people – the caretakers of end-stage alcoholics – recovery is most important. Maybe even not just the end-stagers, but all-stagers remaining in the situation.

Instead of the word “recovery” I like the word “survival”. How does the family or friend SURVIVE when in this impossible, nonsensical, frustrating situation? I sum it up with several words. KNOWLEDGE. SUPPORT. HEALTH. PASSION. LAUGHTER. SMILE.

KNOWLEDGE – As the alcoholic succumbs to different illnesses and conditions through the stages of the disease, do your research and learn everything you can about the physical biology that going on inside that alcoholic body. Also, learn about your legal standing, the workings of the hospital and hospice, know absolutely everything about your health insurance. Don’t just depend on an answer from a friend of a friend who once shook hands with someone who may have drank too much at a party… Find out for yourself through internet research, the library, speaking with a professional. Knowledge is the key to survival – I’ve said it a million times. Make all decisions based on knowledge that you know to be a fact.

SUPPORT – No matter how much research you do, there’s nothing like confirmation from someone who has been in your shoes. An exchange of ideas and experiences can be a life preserver in the midst of a super storm. Don’t just stick with only one support program because there are many out there. So if one doesn’t work, check it off your list and move on. Something will fit and you will be grateful to have found it. I offer OARS F&F Group on Facebook. You must e-mail me to be sent an invitation to the group.

I offer inexpensive ($10/hour) coaching sessions via the telephone. Send an e-mail to ImmortalAlcoholic@gmail.com and I'll provide you the telephone number.

Sometimes insurance will cover a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who specializes in substance abuse.  

HEALTH – While you may be consumed with the health issues of the alcoholic, don’t forget that you may have your own health issues that need attending. You can’t take care of anyone else if you are too run down to take care of yourself. Get your check-ups. Take your medication and stay as physically fit as you possibly can. You will need all your strength to survive the chaos.

PASSION – Find your passion in life. Do you like bird-watching? Are you a writer? Is cooking your thing? Whatever it is, find it and do it. Don’t let anything the alcoholic is currently messing with stop you from enjoying the satisfaction of doing something you really want to do. While being involved in the activity you will most likely meet other people who also enjoy your passion. Having friends who are uninvolved with alcoholism is often a breath of fresh air when you feel your head is surrounded by the smog of drunkenness. Don’t deny yourself some normalcy. Those who are really – I mean REALLY – lucky can turn their passion into a new money-making venture. I’ve heard that if you make money doing what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life. How awesome would that be?

LAUGHTER – Laughter truly is often the very best medicine. So you’ve been crying for days and the depression hole is so deep that you can’t even see the light from the top. STOP whatever it is you are doing and just laugh. Laugh at a comedy on TV; the squirrels playing in the yard; the crazy thought you just had; something some uninformed know-it-all said to you yesterday; the outfit you threw on this morning. It doesn’t matter what you laugh at or even if it is funny or not, just laugh anyway. Laughing fills your lungs with oxygen which makes your brain function in a clearer manner. It makes you feel physically more refreshed. It’s not just about attitude – it’s an exercise for good health.

SMILE – I have found that I smile at everyone I possibly can and I feel a bit calmer inside. I like to believe that I’m helping someone else by sharing that smile. When I wake up in the morning, no matter how I feel about another day, I always say “Gooood Morning!” and I say it with a giant smile. Even though my day may go rapidly downhill, I have started out on a good note. My mother used to tell me that if you smile, people will either think you are a happy person or wonder what you have been up to. I like both of those reactions.

I think we can all benefit from surviving whatever it is that is causing stress. Survive from being a caretaker of an alcoholic. Survive from the stress of having an alcoholic boss. And when you are on the survival road… don’t forget to smile!

There are books out there that may help. The following may be found on Amazon.com by clicking on the title:

The following titles were written by me (Linda Bartee Doyne):
     Workbook for Caretakers of End-Stage Alcoholics
     The Immortal Alcoholic's Wife
     Surviving the Chaos

You may also be interested in:
     The Alcoholic Husband Primer (Survival Tips for the Alcoholic Wife) by Wren Waters
     Living with a Functioning Alcoholic by Neill Neill
     The Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome by Wayne Kritsberg

One path, two directions

This post is dedicated to Annette.

Our backgrounds are very similar even though you are much younger. Our timelines would follow the same path up to the age that you are right now. The two paths, yours and mine, do NOT have to continue in the same direction. You can go a different direction than I did and avoid much of the chaos that I experienced.

You told me that you can see your future in my past. That’s good because if you can see it then you have the ability to change it. One of the reasons I write these posts and my books is to give people an idea of what it’s like if they do as I do. I hope they read what I write and say “I’m not going to be that person.” I want people to have a better life than the one I choose.

I’m not saying you can’t have a life if you stay with your alcoholic. You, most certainly can have a very fulfilling and happy existence in spite of the obstacles that the alcoholic may throw up as road blocks. It’s not easy. It takes work, time, and planning to get to all come out good – but it is possible.

Annette, you are a young woman without children and NOT married to your alcoholic. I know you love him. I know you want what is best for him. I know you think that if you do just the right thing he will stop and go back to being that guy you met ten years ago. I know you’ve invested time, money and, more importantly, your heart to this relationship and to him. But, “him” isn’t, at this time, the person you fell in love with.

Alcoholism changes a person. Someone who was gentle and considerate can become a mean and unfeeling louse. Angry confrontations that would normally end with a reasonable conversation may end with a black eye. Life with an alcoholic is unpredictable, nonsensical, and irrational. As a non-alcoholic, partnering with an alcoholic is like mixing oil and water. It doesn’t work.

Get out. Get out now. Don’t wait for some miracle to happen. No miracles are coming no matter how hard you pray. Don’t wait for him to see the light. He’s blinded. The longer you stay the more difficult it will be to become free.

It’s not going to be easy. You must have a plan for where you will live and who will be your support system. I suggest you have your own residence before you make an exit from the alcoholic’s home. Establish yourself as an individual and show that you are looking forward to a life on your own.

Housing is simply logistics. There will be emotional challenges. You will wake up in the middle of the night and realize you are alone in your bed. And you will cry. You will carry the groceries in my yourself and curse him for not being considerate enough to save your relationship just for the purpose of carrying in the 50 pound bag of dog food. You will call him names. And you will cry. When you unpack your photos of the good times you two shared you will examine each one as though you are seeing it for the first time. And you will cry. You’ll stop sitting the table for dinner as often opting for plate in front of the TV. And you will cry.  

Eventually the crying will happen less often until those tears turn into irritation, disappointment, and anger. That’s when you will start to have a life again. That’s when you will become open to possibly having a relationship with someone new. You will find yourself being cautious as to the person you date. It will take you longer to commit.

You may look over your shoulder often to see if the alcoholic has miraculously appeared as a responsible sober person. While it is possible, it is NOT likely to happen. I could tell you to stop looking, but you will not. He will probably come to you at some point. It will be difficult to prevent him from entering your world because, after all, you love him. You know now what it is like to be with him as an alcoholic. You know now that he is an alcoholic and alcoholic’s get drunk, stay drunk, and will put the drunkenness as a priority above you. So if you let him back in, you know what to expect.

Sometimes a person must leave the alcoholic multiple times before finding a way to stay out of his life. Don’t beat yourself up for following your heart. The heart always wants what it wants. It is not practical or logical or reasonable. It is what it is.

Annette, don’t be me. Go live your life and do good things for yourself

Would I do it again?

Wow! I looked at my calendar and we’re almost done with January! I’ve been very busy working on the sequel to Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife and my new book, “Huh?” ABCs of Understanding Women, that I have been amiss at keeping up with the blog posting. I do apologize for that.

I’ve also been plotting out my book tour and adding all the new locations onto the map. I have a nifty little program that plans the best route for hitting all my stops in an organized manner. It’s the coolest thing. So far, it has me going to Florida then coming back to Virginia for a break and then going north as far as Maine. I can’t wait for that fresh lobster.

I’m going to be including some mini-seminars along the way. There will be free admission with the purchase of two books. More details and a calendar will be posted when the plans are finalized.

Topics for the mini-seminars are going to be what is suggested by you, my readers. If you have a topic you would like covered, please post it in the comments. Also make sure you add your nearest city and state and I will plan that topic for your area.

It has only been four months since Riley’s passing and I have visited friends and family as well as going to the gym and library. The freedom I’m experiencing has been wonderful. There is life after caregiving an alcoholic.

There are a million reasons for people to stay with an alcoholic and just as many for leaving. But now that I’m not under the day to day stresses of taking care of Riley, I can say without hesitation, having my freedom is very nice. If I had it to do over, I would probably have done the very same thing. Remember that it wasn’t for Riley that I took him back, but rather for my daughter.

Riley was fortunate that he had a place to go and a person to take care of him. Most alcoholics have driven away most people who once cared about them. Although Riley had a large social circle, he did not have friends who were willing to deal with the complications of end-stage alcoholism.

I have been invited to participate in a program on “unconditional love.” While I can see no possible way to give unconditional love to an alcoholic, I believe we can give that to ourselves. In doing so, we can forgive ourselves for whatever is haunting us, and begin to live a life of hope instead of despair. Watch for details, here on this blog about this up-coming program.

A new book came on the market today thru Amazon.com. It’s my latest creation which was inspired by the man in my life, Sam. One day, after explaining my point of view, he wrinkled up his eyebrows and say “Huh?” I responded with something about him not understanding woman in the least. His response was “Write me a book.” Never tell a writer to write a book unless you’re serious. I wrote a book. “Huh?” ABCs of Understanding Women is a simple read with an alphabetical listing of words defining explanations of what women mean.

There is an explanation of what it means when she says she wants an “honest” man. There’s a reason why she never has anything to wear when her closet is packed. Definitions of an open relationship and monogamy are included. There’s also a handy little guide to gift giving and the five days of the year that always required a gift.

The book was written purely as an entertainment piece and not to be construed as dyed-in-the-wool exact explanations. Although, I believe, there is some good advice between those pages. It’s really only a book of common-sense. But, hey, I’m a woman… so the explanations might be a bit slanted.

Let me be clear, Sam has not read the book and is hesitant to do so. I believe he thinks the book is filled with “man-bashing”, but that is not the case. In fact, I believe women will be more offended by the book than men. So, if you do read the book, please send me a comment so I can pass it on to Sam. Since I wrote the book for him, or at least was inspired by him, maybe he will change his mind and read it after all.

Just a reminder for all of you who need help with your taxes. Gina Mewes is available to help with all your tax needs, especially if you believe you may be in “tax-trouble.” See the note on the side of this blog for contact info.

Banquet of life...

Live, Live, Live…

When you are growing up you think of your life as being “normal.” But when you get older, you realize that the standards and attitudes of those around you have shaped how you see the world and how you live your life. My mother was a firm believer of living each day as though it were your last. Of course, she meant that I shouldn’t wear dirty socks because I might not have a chance to change them if today were my last day. The words I still have in my head go something like… “Don’t waste time, these are minutes you will never be able to live over again.” I don’t think I really appreciated that sentiment until recently.

There are people in this world, people who read my blog, who wouldn’t do well in my mother’s world. They believe that they are living each day if they can simply get through the day without conflict. I see that as putting one foot in front of the other without looking at the path. I guess that’s what I’ve been doing over the past few years. I’ve just been getting through.

Basically, I’m not a “getting though” kinda person. It’s not enough for me to drive by the ocean, I have to have my feet in the water and sand in my toes. I don’t want to just see the color of the fall leaves in Vermont. I want to create syrup from the sap. It’s the world from my perspective.

In March I’m packing up my house, putting it all in storage, and taking my dog and my show on the road. I’ll be stopping at every wide spot in the raod and visiting the largest ball of twine. In reality it will be termed as a “book tour” so I can write it off on my taxes. I’ll be promoting my books, and possibly holding “mini-seminars”, in any city, town, and/or cross-road where I may be summoned by YOU, my readers.

So far, I’m going to Florida, Ohio, Tennessee, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, Minnesota, Missouri, Texas, Arizona, California, Oregon and Washington. If your state isn’t listed, send me an e-mail and tell me where you are… I’ll come to you.

I will have with me copies of my new book (yet un-named) which will be the story of Riley’s life and journey through alcoholism. ALSO, my new romance novel may be out by that time as well. The only place you will be able to get those books is through ME, while I’m on tour. They will not be available on Amazon until my trip is completed.

While this is a book tour, technically, my purpose of travelling is to start really living again. I’ve been chained to Riley for so long that my new freedom calls me to be mobile. Now’s my chance to see all those things I’ve never seen in this amazing country. Oh… I’ve driven across country many times, but always to get from point A to point B. This time I’ll have more points than there are letters in the alphabet. I want to dance in the rain in an open meadow. I want to see what Niagara Falls looks like from the back of the fall. I want to take pictures from the top of Hatteras Lighthouse. I want to ride in a horse-drawn carriage in Savannah. I want to eat lobster fresh from the docks in Maine. I want to spend the night in a teepee. In short – I want to live, live, live.

There is a scene in the movie “Auntie Mame” where Lucille Ball (as Mame) “Life is a banquet and most sons-a-bitches are starving to death.” Although I prefer Rosalind Russell in the starring role, I like Lucille’s version of that particular line much better.

I don’t want to starve anymore. I want to get out there and live my life. Funny thing though, I didn’t know I was starving until my friend, Sam mentioned that he might want to buy a motor home and travel around the country. Sam lives a quiet life and I think his idea of travelling would be following some pre-destined route on a set schedule without any deviation. I like to have a general idea of my direction and then make up the schedule as I go. I want plenty of time to eat the largest pancake on this side of the Mississippi or to take a tour through Bellingraph Gardens.

I would love to take Sam on MY trip with me and show him what it’s like to be an adventurer. I don’t need a motor home or a fancy RV. I just need a list of places to go and see, my dog and my car. I’m simple like that.

My intention is to feast on the banquet of life as long there’s life to feast upon. 

To hospice or not to hospice...

There comes a time in most alcoholic’s journey when they get sick and it appears that the end is near. Questions come up about liver function, brain atrophy, and other such ailments. Usually the alcoholic is hospitalized and sometimes, comatose. Eventually, the question will come up that goes something like this, “Would you like to have hospice step in with his care?” What they are asking is do you want to prolong this life no matter what that life may be? Or, do you want to remove yourself from the life cycle and let nature take its course?

It’s hard to say “Just let him/her die” no matter what the situation or who the alcoholic is in relationship to you. No one wants to feel that they’ve turned a blind eye and essentially killed a person as a result. Our basic instinct is to survive at all costs. Prolonging life is an inherent part of our being. To go against that can sometimes be impossible.

I believe there are several questions that must be answered before making such a life-altering decision.

First, what does the patient want? Do you know? Can he tell you and if he can, is he in a clear frame of mind when answering? Has this person ever stated what his wishes would be if the situation was to present itself?

Riley often said that he should have been left to die long ago. In fact, he was angry with me because he was still alive. While I did nothing to prevent him from leaving earth, I would not simply ignore his screams for help. Because he survived so many near-death experiences (I believe the count was up to nine.) he believed I was responsible for taking care of him – managing his life. I, on the other hand, didn’t buy into his theory that I had kept him from dying.

Riley didn’t really want to die. He wanted to live, but only if he could stay drunk all the days of his life. He never believed that drinking would end his life. In his eyes, there was no danger inside that bottle of vodka. He vowed he would be shot by a jealous husband as he jumped over a fence at the age of 103. Well… I suppose we all have our fantasies.

Second, has the medical community done everything they can to restore the patient to good health. Along with that is the question of is the life restorable to a point of quality living? If a life can be saved and the patient is able to care for himself in a fairly independent manner, maybe now would not be the time to call in hospice. But, if even a drastic surgically procedure will not change the current condition, then is when to talk to your doctor about hospice services.

The liver can regenerate itself if there are enough healthy cells from which to draw the regeneration. By the time the question of hospice comes up, there are most likely not enough healthy cells to regenerate. Once the liver stops functioning properly, a series of other organ shut-downs occur and there is no “do-over” button to be pushed.

Liver and other organ transplants are not viewed favorably when the recipient is an alcoholic. I’m not saying it can’t be done. I’m just saying that those instances are rare. The criterion that must be met is very difficult for an alcoholic to achieve. Most don’t have enough time on the life cycle to reach the goal. In reality, transplantation is not a very viable option. Riley told me that he wanted to get well enough to go on the transplant list, get a new liver, and then…. Start drinking again!

Third, is there anything more that you, as a caregiver, can do for the patient to prolong a quality life? Of course the answer is always, YES. It’s true, you can bring the alcoholic home, spoon feed his meals, change his soiled diaper, turn him in the bed so not to get bed sores, read to him, and do all those other things that will destroy any possibility of having a life of your own. How long do you think it will take before you burn out and start looking for help? I’d say the normal person can hang in there for about two to six months. When you start looking for help, where will you look? Believe me, when I say help is very expensive. It is worth it, but you may have to live without lights for a while. Or you could give up your car – after all, you won’t be using it because you’ll be chained his hospital bed.

Please remember I’m not a professional medical, therapist, doctor, lawyer or Indian chief, I’m just a woman who has been there. When it gets that close to the end, hospice will save your life and make the passing of the patient far easier. Their goal is to make the patient as comfortable as possible as his life reaches its conclusion. They are also there for the caregiver providing support in every possible way.

If I should ever get to the place where my quality of life will be dependent on someone else giving up their quality of life, I want to have things end as quickly and peacefully as possible. There’s no point in my hanging around waiting for a miracle cure. Rip off the bandage and just let nature take its course