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Providing non-judgmental and non-criticizing support for family and friends of end-stage alcoholics through one-on-one coaching, support groups, blog posts, workshops and public speaking.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

End-stage definition...

Most alcoholics never reach end-stage. They drink and they fall victim to an alcohol related death such as a car accident, a fall down the stairs, foul play, accidental drug/alcohol combination overdose, undiagnosed conditions, or many other situations. An end-stage alcoholic is one that has the advantage of avoiding the previous mentioned downfalls either by luck or a very astute caretaker.

An end-stage alcoholic is an alcoholic whose body and mind have degenerated to the point where the detox process is just as dangerous as continuing to drink. That’s a quick and simple answer to a complicated question that is asked frequently. If a medical professional tells you to continue to give the alcoholic booze because to be without it, outside a hospital environment, would mean certain death – that’s end-stage. Here are other factors in making the determination.

Most end-stage alcoholics have already been through the detox and rehab process several times. The end result is often a return to the bottle within a short time – sometimes just days after discharge. On the good side, sometimes the alcoholic will wait months before getting drunk. That is good – the longer the time between detox and drinking the more of a chance the body has had to recover. But even then, a return to an end-stage condition, after post-detox drinking, will happen at a more rapid rate than it did previously.

I want to stress here that some end-stage alcoholics never get into detox or rehab. They are so adamant about drinking that they never entertain the thought of a possible better life. They like things the way they are and refuse to change. Riley, even after numerous rehab and detox, has stated that if he has to choose between sober or dead – he chooses dead.  

I’ve written before about the Child/Pugh and MELD score which is determined by using information from a blood test. The two tests are designed for ranking the status of people who are waiting a liver transplant. (See my post Information please... in March 2011) A Child-Pugh score of Class C and/or a MELD score higher than 30 would make the alcoholic at end-stage.

There are a host of alcohol related diseases that also contribute to the determination. How far advanced these diseases are can give you an idea of how much time an alcoholic has left. But, in true end-stage, that really doesn’t matter because the only way to recover from any of the diseases is to quit drinking. That is not likely with end-stage alcoholics.

An end-stage alcoholic will drink anything containing alcohol if traditional sources are not available. This can include, Listerine, vanilla extract, cough syrup or even perfume. Anything else that contains the word alcohol in the list of ingredients is a potential beverage for the end-stage alcoholic.

Because of the amount of alcohol saturating the frontal lobe of the brain, the end-stage alcoholic personality, most often, is not the same as the personality of the same person without the alcohol. Some traits may include: easily angered; unrealistic demands; lack of determining appropriateness of actions; loss of short-term memory; highly emotional; easily confused, and; inability to determine night from day. Alcoholics are subjective – what’s important to them revolves around drinking. At end-stage this is magnified and the end-stage truly wants everyone to “mind their own business” and let him/her do whatever they want – even if it impacts on other people’s lives.

Stomach issues are very common at end-stage. The end-stage alcoholic may demand dinner at a certain time, but will probably not eat much, if any. Often, whatever is eaten will be vomited. Because of that the alcoholic becomes malnourished and will often become very thin. But, this isn’t always true because sometimes the alcoholic will appear to gain weight. Unfortunately the weight gain is usually a result of advancing cirrhosis.

At end-stage the alcoholic has worn away large amounts of the mucus membrane lining the esophagus as well as the entire digestive system. The esophagus will split and bleeding will occur. Sometimes the esophagus will actually “blow out” and can cause almost immediate death. The force of vomiting alone is enough to cause a bleed in the esophagus or stomach. Alcohol is a natural blood-thinner. At end-stage the blood doesn’t coagulate. I’ve seen a bleeding cut or sore on Riley’s last for hours and even a whole day before the bleeding stops. Anything bleeding becomes a potential life-threatening occurrence.

The stomach may develop bleeding ulcers – a painful hole in the tummy. Imagine having a cut finger and pouring isopropyl alcohol directly onto it. It would be the same thing for an alcoholic to drink when he has a bleeding ulcer. And that condition, added to the lack of food and proper nutrients, as well as the inability to coagulate, can be fatal. Diarrhea occurs almost daily and the further along the alcoholic the more explosive the pooping.

Some physical traits of the alcoholic are the yellowing of the eyes and spider-like veins in the fact. At end-stage the skin may turn a fluorescent yellow/green, the nose becomes something like Rudolph’s, the scalp is itchy and flaky, and fingernails have a tendency to split.

If you are afraid to leave the alcoholic in your house alone because you don’t know what he will do – you’re probably in end-stage. The loss of memory can mean leaving a stove burner on under an empty pot. The lack of judgment could mean lighting a candle and placing it next to the curtain. The loss of balance can mean a fall and combined with a hit on the head – the results can be fatal.

Determining whether or not an alcoholic is end-stage is often easier for the caretaker than it is for the medical professional. That’s because the determination is based on what happens in daily activities and bodily functions. The caretaker can TELL the doctor, but to see it and live it gives a better perspective on reality.

288 comments:

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terri said...

Yes. It will get worse if the drinking doesn't stop. The man I love is slowly dying. Hes lost 50 pounds. He has hardly any fat left. Now hes loosing muscle. He can't even hold down water. He vomits all the time. The smell is of rotting flesh. He'll go to the hospital get medicine. Stay for awhile. Come home and go right back to the vodka. There will be days hes so mean to me. Then others he'll act like a kid. Its so hard on me seeing him like this. I pray and pray for a miracle. But if he doesn't want to live. I can't do anything to stop it. Hes only 42. Use to be so goodlooking. Now he looks like a old man. Im sticking by him but I hope I can get help for myself. This is wearing me down so much. God bless and good luck.

Nancy said...

N- I lost my husband of 21 years last month. He was a good man but could not stop drinking despite three rehab admissions and several attempts with AA. He always felt the AA was simply too religious for him so he never kept up with it. He progressed from beer to wine to vodka. I tried everything to get him to stop drinking from taking his credit cards and money to hiding the car keys. Nothing worked. He had a bad detox in April and it was all down hill from there. The not eating, weight loss, abdominal blotting etc.. In the hospital for two months with varcies bleeding until the doctors could not stop the last episode of bleeding. Even in the ICU he said if someone handed him a glass of vodka He would drink it. I keep trying to think of some thing different we could have done to change his course. He was my best friend and while there were times I thought about leaving I knew I would never do it. I am just trying to get thru each day. Work and friends help but I still come home to an empty house. I cannot sleep as I cannot turn my mind off. I know my pain will ease and reading all the prior messages has helped but it just sucks right now.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for this blog. My partner has cirrhosis and I feel sure its end stage. She presented at ER a few months ago with ascites. Since then she has gone downhill fast. Has lost 20kg over 3-4 months, sleeps 20-24 hours a day when ever she doesn't have medical appointments and only eats a few mouthfuls of food every few days if that, often going a week eating nothing. Her speech is starting to slur and confusion is setting in.
She doesn't let me go into any of her specialist appointments so I have no idea what is being said apart from what she tells me, and then its often not much as she gets confused or forgets.
While she has cut down severely on drinking she still does. But as she sleeps so much this is getting less and less.
I feel like she is giving up on life. Its scary not knowing if she will be alive when I get home from work at night. I have no idea if I should be thinking like this, but watching her fade away makes me think the worst. I am in the process of trying to get information for myself so I know when to call for help apart from the obvious unconsciousness. She has parents but has very limited contact with them and has not told them anything. I am scared of the thought of one day needing to ring them with bad news but at the same time know she does not want me to say anything to them. Its a really hard position to be in. So glad to read of others in this same situation.

tina said...

I m looking for answers what to do my husband gets drunk every weekend and then he wants to fight? ? He drinks 1 1/4 liter a day with a lot of pop mixed. He has bin very moody lately it feels like he doesn't get along with anyone anymore ?? Dose this mean he's late stage alcoholic? ???

coping said...

To Tina.....in response to your question of end stage for your husband. I am living w/an alcoholic husband for 40 years. He is going strong...and for the life of me, I can't understand why he is still alive, with all the abuse his body has taken from alcohol. Every case is different....I guess a medical expert is the only one who can estimate how much damage has been done. My husband is also mean, nasty, crabby, insulting and very verbally abusive....only happens in the evening when he has been drinking beer all day, which is every day like clockwork. From my experience and other stories, that is what alcoholics do.....lash out at their loved ones. Unfortunately, my husband only loves beer....above his family, friends, and even his own life. I have put up w/years of verbal abuse, as well as both of our kids. So, your story closely relates to mine. I'm so sorry for you....and all of us who have to go through this. Stay in touch..we can help each other.
Be strong and God Bless.

Anonymous said...

My 72 year old mother is an alcoholic. She was brought to the hospital because she could walk after falling. We thought it was a concussion or brain trauma not it was blood alcohol of .3. She went through DTs 9 days in hospital was out for 7 and is drinking again. She doesn't eat, she is incontinent. How long could this go on. She has alienated most her family and friends. I have no love for her anymore and if she wants to die so bad just die. How long could she go on!

Anonymous said...

90% of everything listed there is true about my boyfriend. Now what on earth do I do about it? I lay in bed at night crying planning how I am going to be able to live after he dies. The list could go on for things that he does I just need to figure out how to handle him dying..

Anonymous said...

I came across this blog as well and i am truly heartbroken over my alcoholic dad. As soon as the business he owned started falling he would drink alot, eventually my mom left him he went to rehab my mom took him back. He started drinking again and the cycle just repeats itself my dad has went to rehab 6 times. The longest he stayed sober was 1 year. They way he talks is just so depressing and he hates his life but continually drinks everyday. Ive seen my dad have a seizure from withdraws, ive seen him verbally abuse my mom. They are not together anymore which makes it even HARDER for my dad. I am so scared that he is going to loose his life. My sisters do not even liket o visit him because nobody likes to see him in that state. & that hurts him his own daughters dont even want to see him. Now he just lost his job.

I do not know what to do for him i feel helpless and love my dad so much i will never forget what type of man he was to us while we were growing up then everything just changed. he is a totally different person. I dont understand why me and my sisters are not good enough for him to get the help he needs and to be heeled from all of this

Anonymous said...

I went thru exactly what you're saying. The bleeding varices in his stomach is what put him in the hospital for the last time. They tried surgery to stop the bleeding but the surgeon told me afterward that there were entirely too many vessels that had burst.....it would be literally impossible to fix them all. So after surgery he was placed on life support for 3 days before several heart attacks killed him. Afterwards I was so incredibly angry at him for drinking....and then dying. Thank you for sharing your story. Its nice to know that there are other people who know how I feel

Anonymous said...

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore but I lost my 33 year old beloved son just about 2 months ago. The first time I knew he was an alcoholic was on a Monday and he passed away the following Sunday. I saw a few tell tale signs now that I know but had no idea he drank everyday and I didn't know he even liked hard liquor. We had a great relationship even though we didn't see each other all the time we talked or texted at least a few times a week. He had definitely separated himself from the "outside world" as now I see that I never knew why he turned down invitations to go places, etc. he had a great job and just got a promotion. He was smart, funny and had tons of friends that he had started distancing himself from. One of the last times I saw him his belly was extremely bloated and when I mentioned it he just said he had gained weight. I had seen his eyes become a bit yellow and mentioned it to him and his wife of 10 years. He just blew it off and that was kind of it. When I saw him in the ER his body was swollen, he was yellow and I was just so shocked. I don't understand. His wife I guess didn't know he was that bad??? But then I heard her say how much he drank, She said they fought for the last couple of years over his drinking. I asked why she did not ask for help. She said he begged her not to call us and that he would do better. Obviously not. I just don't understand how someone can live with an end stage alcoholic and not know. She mentioned him having diarrhea and she had to clean him up. Why and how could she be so blind? I am barely functioning I am glad I have a younger son that keeps me going because my kids are my everything. I come from a long line of functionone alcoholics and had reminded it of him just so he would know. I only drank in college and haven't hardly drank in the last almost 30 years except very rarely. At 33 years to have hurt himself so bad he had to have been drinking for a very long time...and I never knew except that he had a couple of beers on special holidays and when he was watching sports...never would I have dreamed he drank everyday...his wife mentions things like he had a glass by the bed and in the morning it was empty...how could you not see it when you are with it everyday??? I miss him more than I can handle at times, the hurt, the physical pain, the feeling of failure because a mom is supposed to be able to fix everything...I love you my little boy

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I know your are trying to make sense of all of this, but as a wife an alcoholic, your daughter-in-law was/is a ill as your son, at least from a coping mechanism. We become ill ourselves after living and trying to love someone who just doesn't seem to care that they are hurting themselves by drinking. Alcoholism is a horrible addiction and affects every person close to them. We learn to survive in these families, not live. I blame myself for hurting my children by staying with their dad, but I believed that I made a commitment to him, through good time and bad, sickness and health. He is so sick now, I just can't leave him alone. No one should die alone, even if they have caused you pain. Sorry, I am babbling. Just know this, we as wives sometimes live in denial, as well. It's how we cope, it may blind us to the obvious until it's too late. I pray for your broken heart to heal and that your son is at peace.

coping said...

I too,am so sorry for the loss of
your dear son. I am the wife of an alcoholic 40 years plus. Also stayed with him for my kids, and now they are gone and out of the house, I'm still here. He put us all through hell for so many years. Ruined dinners, holidays, vacations, moody, verbal abuse, rage, fear and on and on. We that deal w/alcoholics become numb, and we go on however we can. I'm sure your daughter-in-law was coping, and just surviving herself...so sad. God bless all of us dealing w/alcoholics....we are survivors.

Anonymous said...

This blog has been helpful as my end-stage alcoholic husband died last week after falling down the steps (something he has done countless times) and broke his neck which caused him to go into cardiac arrest. The experience was so traumatic and now I am blaming myself. He had fallen in the bathtub the previous night (something else he has done numerous times) and I just left him there and listen to him cry for my help. I felt he was safe there plus I was just angry that it happened again. I think that if only I helped him out of the tub and if only I called the squad because I knew he was in need of another hospital detox.....so many if only. I don't think I was supportive enough....just got tired and didn't care any more. He was never able to stay sober more than a couple of months at a time during our last 10 years together. We have been together for over 30 years and now I feel my life has no meaning. I hope he is finally at peace but not sure I ever will be.

coping said...

Anonymous....lift your head high and go on! Don't feel bad....you stayed the course when some would have been long gone. It was his decision to drink, and not yours! You could not have changed him if you tried. I've been w/ an alcoholic for 40 years, and he loves beer more than anything in his life...there's no way I can change that, and I know it. Grieve sweetie, and when you're at peace w/his passing.....make a new life for yourself...you deserve it!!

Anonymous said...

I have just read every entry. My heart is so heavy. The pain people have to endure for the alcoholics they love is mind blowing. I was with my exhusband from 1994-2001. When I kicked him out, I begged his mother to get him help and send him to rehab. She didnt. I took him to court today for his 3rd dui. He has the shakes. He doesn't heal well. He weighs about 120. He forgets things. His eyes are glassy and bloodshot. He reaks of booze at 7:30am. He has gotten way worse since he started living with his girlfriend, another alcoholic last spring. She has been to the er several times lately. Doesnt know day from night. Has anxiety and depression. They cant stop drinking for more than a couple hour at a time. I don't think there's help for either one and I think the next time I see him will be at his funeral. It's so sad. Neither are over 42 years old. I'm wondering if should tell my current boyfriend to quit drinking or else, since he drinks one or two bud lights a day. I don't want alcohol in my life at all. I think heredity and upbringing play a huge part and when these people have had bad childhoods, they are wounded and turn to what helps them cope with their emotions. Unfortunately, they are more likely to make the bad decisions and are more susceptible to addictions. They also are less likely to have the family support to get help. I am so glad I have heaven to look forward to. This world is evil. I hope Jesus comes back soon! God bless anyone who is struggling.

coping said...

Anonymous....I have just come home from church...Easter weekend and all. Hubby still sitting in the same chair he was sitting in when he got up this morning....drinking beer all day...eating nothing. Oh the verbal abuse and cruel insults screamed at me for no reason..and I take it, as I have been doing for 40 years....such a sad way to have to live. You are so right,it's pathetic what we have to go through living w/alcoholics.
I'm getting very close to the end of my rope....God help us all.

Anonymous said...

My father's in early end-stage. He's started drinking again in the past month after 18 months of sobriety. He's lost his job and his driver's licence. I'd feel more for him if he wasn't so dishonest, abusive and nasty all the time. My mother's exhausted from worry and it looks like they may lose their home - he lies to her about their finances. He lies about everything. She'll find him flaked out on the floor, sometimes in a pool of blood, but he refuses help. Even just asking how he's feeling can send him into a violent rage. Although he's too weak to do much, he still attacks her sometimes. He's not eating much. I think he's been an alcoholic since his teens. We grew up being constantly bullied and belittled, and terrorized into silence by his rages. I honestly hope he dies soon, so my mother can have some years of peace and make a happy life and home for herself.
Wishing you all strength & peace. M

Margaret W. said...

My sister has been drinking for 8 years. When she drinks she is abusive and says cruel things to me. I am the only family member willing to talk to her. My oldest sister, in her own self-absorbed way has gossiped with other members of the family who have now all turned against her and me. I'm used to it but my drunk sister is not and she likes to use that as an excuse to drink. You can say all you think you need to say to help a drunk. BUT until they want to quit, they won't. Stop blaming yourself for your family members alcoholism, it's their doing. I know it happens to people with addictive behaviors just like gambling, drug use, chronic infidelity, anorexia, bulimia etc. It's not any of your fault. These people love these addictions, they can get lost and disappear in their addiction. Well, at least my sister thinks so. DON'T let them blame you, leave the room. Stay away from them. Pray for them and let God decide whether He wants to help them. I took my sister with me to Mass and had my priest give her the Sacraments of Extreme Unction and Penance. Too bad we have to start all over with her. We need to look at our own lives and be the best person we can be and live our lives the way we need to. We don't know when the End will come, so we need to do our best to be good people. We deserve to have joy in our lives and have everyday be full of wonderful things. YOU ALL DESERVE THAT!! Okay?!!!!

Anonymous said...

As I'm reading all this I know my brother is in the end stage. His birthday is in a few days and I don't think he will make it to his 37 birthday. He lives with me and my family and it's hard watching do this to himself. He lies all the time about drinking and his outburst scare my kids. He is throwing up all the time and he hardly ever eats anymore, he has even had a few seizures in the past few weeks, but refuses to go to the hospital, he is so slow and confused a lot, even his skin looks horrible, he longer showers, and his skin is yellow and so are his eyes. I know he near his end and it's hard for me to watch this. I love him a lot and I wish he would go to hospital so we could know what was wrong with him but he will not go. He has been drinking for about 20 years now. He stopped a few years back and stayed clean for 3 years and fell off the wagon in September of 2014, last time he stopped the doctors told that he already had a fatty liver and I told him that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore and to never to call me again and the next he called and asked me to take him to A A and he got clean, but this time his body is just simply not handling it well. I just so scared that we are going to putting him in the ground soon and there is nothing any of us can do... sorry for my randomness I just sad and need to vent. I pray he will stop and get but I feel it's to late...

Anonymous said...

I AM A FORTY YEAR OLD MOTHER OF A 2 YEAR OLD AND MY FAMILY HAS SUPPORTED AND CRYED TEARS TO HELP ME STAY SOBER UNTIL NOW, THEY HAVE FINALLY GIVING UP AND IT HURTS. THE PAIN OF BEING SOBER TO DEAL WITH LIFE AND REALITY IS TOO MUCH. EVERY TIME I FINALLY BELIEVE I AM SOBER FOR GOOD I GO BACK TO DRINKING AND I DON'T KNOW HOW OR WHY THIS HAPPENS. ITS BEYOND MY CONTROL. ITS THE MOST PAINFUL SHAMEFUL LIFE ONE CAN HAVE BUT WHEN YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF HELL ITS THE ONLY WAY TO LIVE. ITS NOT ABOUT THE WANT TO GET SOBER BUT THE DOORS ARE COMPLETELY SHUT WHILE YOU SEE YOUR FAMILY FIGHTING FOR YOU. NO MATTER WHAT I DO AND HOW HARD I CLIMB TO THEM I JUST CAN'T. PLEASE DON'T JUDGE THOSE THAT HAVE AND WILL SUCCUMB TO THEIR CHOSEN DEATHS. ITS A MERCILESS ADDICTION. I WISH I HAD NEVER DRANK IN COLLEGE BECAUSE THATS WHERE IT ALL STARTED. AT THE TIME IT SEEMED NORMAL TO BINGE BUT I WAS ABLE TO DRINK AND STILL BE SOBER TO EVERYONE, I DRANK ALOT MORE THAN EVEN MY MALE FRIENDS BUT DROVE THEIR DRUNK BUTTS TO THEIR HOMES. LOOKING BACK I DIDN'T KNOW THIS IS A SIGN OF A TRUE ALCOHOLIC. ITS NO LIFE AT ALL. ITS TERRORIZING HELL EVERYDAY. I TRYED AA, RELIGION, DIETS, WILL POWER AND NOTHING SAVES SOME OF US. IF YOU SEE ME WOULD NEVER KNOW, I HAVE MY CHOICE OF MEN AND LIFESTYLE BUT THE POWER OF ALCOHOL IS OVERWHELMING. JUST TO STOP BEING AFRAID AND GET A LITTLE PEACE SOME OF US HAVE TO SHAME FOR IT. IVE BEEN TOLD I COULD HAVE ANYTHING IN MY LIFE AND WHY DON'T I. THE POWER OF THE BOTTLE HAS SOME OF US SO DOMINATED IT IS BEYOND OUR CONTROL. IM NOT ASKING FOR SYMPATHY OVER ANYONES SYMPATHY BUT IVE HAD MY HEART BROKEN TOO MANY TIMES WHEN I THOUGHT I HAD FINALLY DONE IT. AA PROMISED ME, DETOX, RELIGION AND EVERY AVENUE I TOOK DIDN'T HELP ME EVEN THOUGH I GAVE IT MY ALL. AND TO FALL AGAIN LIKE A LOSER, AGAIN AND AGAIN AND IM ASKED HOW AND WHY GOD NEVER ANSWERS MY CALL. ALCOHOLICS DRINK BECAUSE THEY CANT DEAL WITH PAIN. I ASK GOD WHY ME EVERYDAY, EVERYTIME I AM SOBER I FEEL LIKE I FINALLY MADE IT. AND TO HAVE TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR IS TOO PAINFUL AND SHAMING. I HAVE GIVEN UP NOW BECAUSE I HAVE NO FIGHT IN ME LEFT. IF YOU ARE NOT AN ALCOHOLIC YOU CAN NEVER FEEL THE PAIN OF LETTING YOUR LOVED ONES DOWN. ITS UTTUR SHAME THAT SINKS TO YOUR VERY SOUL THAT THEIR IS NO COMING BACK. I DON'T WISH THIS LIFFE ON ANYONE. ITS THE SCARIEST AND LONELIEST.

Anonymous said...

I AM A FORTY YEAR OLD MOTHER OF A 2 YEAR OLD AND MY FAMILY HAS SUPPORTED AND CRYED TEARS TO HELP ME STAY SOBER UNTIL NOW, THEY HAVE FINALLY GIVING UP AND IT HURTS. THE PAIN OF BEING SOBER TO DEAL WITH LIFE AND REALITY IS TOO MUCH. EVERY TIME I FINALLY BELIEVE I AM SOBER FOR GOOD I GO BACK TO DRINKING AND I DON'T KNOW HOW OR WHY THIS HAPPENS. ITS BEYOND MY CONTROL. ITS THE MOST PAINFUL SHAMEFUL LIFE ONE CAN HAVE BUT WHEN YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF HELL ITS THE ONLY WAY TO LIVE. ITS NOT ABOUT THE WANT TO GET SOBER BUT THE DOORS ARE COMPLETELY SHUT WHILE YOU SEE YOUR FAMILY FIGHTING FOR YOU. NO MATTER WHAT I DO AND HOW HARD I CLIMB TO THEM I JUST CAN'T. PLEASE DON'T JUDGE THOSE THAT HAVE AND WILL SUCCUMB TO THEIR CHOSEN DEATHS. ITS A MERCILESS ADDICTION. I WISH I HAD NEVER DRANK IN COLLEGE BECAUSE THATS WHERE IT ALL STARTED. AT THE TIME IT SEEMED NORMAL TO BINGE BUT I WAS ABLE TO DRINK AND STILL BE SOBER TO EVERYONE, I DRANK ALOT MORE THAN EVEN MY MALE FRIENDS BUT DROVE THEIR DRUNK BUTTS TO THEIR HOMES. LOOKING BACK I DIDN'T KNOW THIS IS A SIGN OF A TRUE ALCOHOLIC. ITS NO LIFE AT ALL. ITS TERRORIZING HELL EVERYDAY. I TRYED AA, RELIGION, DIETS, WILL POWER AND NOTHING SAVES SOME OF US. IF YOU SEE ME WOULD NEVER KNOW, I HAVE MY CHOICE OF MEN AND LIFESTYLE BUT THE POWER OF ALCOHOL IS OVERWHELMING. JUST TO STOP BEING AFRAID AND GET A LITTLE PEACE SOME OF US HAVE TO SHAME FOR IT. IVE BEEN TOLD I COULD HAVE ANYTHING IN MY LIFE AND WHY DON'T I. THE POWER OF THE BOTTLE HAS SOME OF US SO DOMINATED IT IS BEYOND OUR CONTROL. IM NOT ASKING FOR SYMPATHY OVER ANYONES SYMPATHY BUT IVE HAD MY HEART BROKEN TOO MANY TIMES WHEN I THOUGHT I HAD FINALLY DONE IT. AA PROMISED ME, DETOX, RELIGION AND EVERY AVENUE I TOOK DIDN'T HELP ME EVEN THOUGH I GAVE IT MY ALL. AND TO FALL AGAIN LIKE A LOSER, AGAIN AND AGAIN AND IM ASKED HOW AND WHY GOD NEVER ANSWERS MY CALL. ALCOHOLICS DRINK BECAUSE THEY CANT DEAL WITH PAIN. I ASK GOD WHY ME EVERYDAY, EVERYTIME I AM SOBER I FEEL LIKE I FINALLY MADE IT. AND TO HAVE TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR IS TOO PAINFUL AND SHAMING. I HAVE GIVEN UP NOW BECAUSE I HAVE NO FIGHT IN ME LEFT. IF YOU ARE NOT AN ALCOHOLIC YOU CAN NEVER FEEL THE PAIN OF LETTING YOUR LOVED ONES DOWN. ITS UTTUR SHAME THAT SINKS TO YOUR VERY SOUL THAT THEIR IS NO COMING BACK. I DON'T WISH THIS LIFFE ON ANYONE. ITS THE SCARIEST AND LONELIEST.

Margaret Waite said...

My sister has been an alcoholic for 8 years. I am the only family member who keeps in touch with her and her husband (her husband is a SAINT) I'm trying to at least offer support to her husband if he should ever need me, I have 6 siblings who have been horrible towards her, for instance, my oldest sister called paramedics on her, they pounded down her front door and forced her to go to the hospital. She did not need hospitalization she was just passed out, they physically forced her in the ambulance and took her to the hospital. The doctor said she didn't need hospitalization and sent her home. Now she and her husband have a $4000.00 hospital/paramedic bill and recently she got a $250 bill from the City of Fountain Valley for the call. Which they can't pay. My oldest sister, well she's smug and thinks it's funny. I think she has mental issues herself, but enough about her.
Anyway, my alcoholic sister had started to send me poison e-mails saying really cruel things, or calling me to say awful things. It is almost like she is demon possessed. I don't know how else to explain it. When she drinks, she growls, and grunts, she cries and uses Our Lord's name in vain, talks about how everyone has hurt her and how much she hates people. I know it's a pity party, but she goes to a "place" where I can't talk to her, she goes on and on and on and I can't get in a word. She lies about EVERYTHING. Like demon possession/influence, at least in the 1st stage, the person remembers what they say and what they did but they can't stop themselves, that first stage can go on for years. I found that my life was starting to fall apart. My husband was worried about ME. I have decided to distance myself from her because I will not be able to help her. I have told her she has to make a choice, and not even God can help her if she doesn't want His help. My life has real joy now and I take no responsibility for her actions. It's very hard in the beginning because I love her soooo much! She was always there for me growing up during some difficult times and I told her I'd be there for her. Well, now I have to wait and see. I arranged with my parish priest to administer the Sacraments of Penance and Extreme Unction which she accepted whole heartedly, then she fell apart and disappeared back into her intoxicated world. My heart goes out to all of you who are personally living with an addicted person. If you can get away, get away. If you living with that person and not married, well, you're not doing yourself any favors and it will end badly. Anyone who drinks is NOT a "lovely person". Just get away from them and get healthy yourself, and do it NOW. They don't want your help, it's taken me a lot of years to "get" that. Renovatio.

coping said...

Dear Margaret....you said it all...."a person who drinks is not a lovely person". I have been living w/one of those people for 40 years, and it has not been a picnic.
After a day of drinking he is mean, vicious, and nasty...downright cruel. I have become numb to it...in the evening I go upstairs and watch tv in the bedroom while he
sits downstairs and hates the world. You are right, us sober people have to get away from them or they will pull us down into their hell, too. Best of luck, I hope your sister can get some help. God Bless.

Anonymous said...

I am a Alcoholic,, today I can not believe that I am still ALIVE, I am going to be 50yrs old this year the amount of Alcohol I consume in on night is un real,, I have a real hard time eating Food most comes from nutrition drinks ...I cannot see me living without Alcohol...

coping said...

To the last post....you sound like you are reaching out for help. Go see a doctor,
go to AA, reach out to your family. You can do it! Get your life back, you are way to young to die. I have not walked in your shoes, but I have been married to an alcoholic for 40 years. He is retired now, and spends every day drinking beer all day from morning to night. He eats very little, and has no interests or hobbies...just beer. It is so very sad for him AND for me. He wants no help, but seems like you do!
Get out there and get it. God Bless and good luck!

Anonymous said...

Reading through the posts, I am not surprised to feel like I'm reading my life story in so many of them. Problem is, now I'm wondering "what the heck is wrong with me and how many more years of MY life will I spend hoping he chooses differently". I'm wondering what keeps all of you in the relationship. I keep believing that he'll be the man I married when he quits, cuz he keeps promising.... (I know, don't hold my breath) but after 15 years and young children, I keep giving the benefit, but never confident that he'll follow through. He drinks 18-24 beers, 5-6 evenings per week. Works full time during the day and on the non drinking nights is in bed by 7pm, drinking nights it's 9pm. Hell drink all the beer between 6 pm and 9pm, sometimes eat, most times not.

Anonymous said...

Reading through the posts, I am not surprised to feel like I'm reading my life story in so many of them. Problem is, now I'm wondering "what the heck is wrong with me and how many more years of MY life will I spend hoping he chooses differently". I'm wondering what keeps all of you in the relationship. I keep believing that he'll be the man I married when he quits, cuz he keeps promising.... (I know, don't hold my breath) but after 15 years and young children, I keep giving the benefit, but never confident that he'll follow through. He drinks 18-24 beers, 5-6 evenings per week. Works full time during the day and on the non drinking nights is in bed by 7pm, drinking nights it's 9pm. He'll drink all the beer between 6 pm and 9pm, sometimes eat, most times not. He gets mean and nasty some nights, needy and tearful others.....I'm sick of it all, but love him with everything I've got. I'm at the point of feeling sorry for him. Ive spent times wishing with all I have that something bad would happen to "wake" him up to what is going on. He denies a problem, but he's been drinking like this for the 15 years we've been together and at least 10 before that. He has quit for brief periods of time, two that I'm aware of and the longest was 6 weeks. Thoughts??

Anonymous said...

My dad is an alcoholic in denial. He drinks every day after he comes home from work and at night on the weekends, usually scotch or wine. My mom can't keep alcohol in the house because he will drink it up and she gets angry because when she wants an occasional drink it's not there. We have started hiding our bottles of wine that we bring home to drink over the course of a few days because with my dad the bottle is gone in about a day or less. My mom has found him on the floor of the bathroom face down not able to remember where he is or what happened, but he's a 'cheerful drunk' so no one ever suspects him of having this issue. He has fallen a few times and that always scares me, but he is in serious denial. He says he'll stop drinking when I move out (i'm 25) and blames me and his job for his habit. I'm worried he'll develop liver damage or worse. Alcoholism runs in his family too-all of his brothers and his parents were alcoholics (and still are, truth be told). My grandmother drinks Jim Beam and coke all day and smokes like a chimney and is pushing 70, but still. My greatest fear is that my dad won't be there to walk me down the aisle at my wedding.

I wish I could find some way to make him see the hurt he's causing us by harming his body this way.

Margaret Waite said...

I really wish I could say I feel sorry for the addict, but I don't.
Those of you who are victims of addicts, you should be praised and reassured that you're not the problem. You are special. They did it to themselves, you didn't. Don't buy into their self pity. They love booze. They Love it! Don't feel sorry for them. My only beloved sister is a drunk and blames everyone for her situation. She now blames me for what I supposidely did to her WHEN SHE WAS 10-YEAR-OLD! Get as far away from them as you can. You-can't-help-them. Don't waste your time. I am losing my favorite sister, I'm DONE WITH HER. They would love no better than dragging you down with them and blaming you in the process. I have a special intention for her when I pray and then I get on with my happy life. On the other hand, when someone has nursed a vice which then later becomes an addiction, drugs, pornography, alcohol, etc, they become so gripped with the addiction that it possesses them like Satan who loves to overtake people. They LOVE the addiction. They really do. Don't feel sorry for them because it'll only tear at your gut. I have been through ENOUGH with my alcohol drenched sister that I'm DONE. I'm sorry to be this way, I admire all of you who have been forced to suffer at the hands of addicted people who only think of themselves. Hopefully when they are on their deathbed, they ask God to forgive them, because they are not going to end up in a very comfortable place for eternity. God gave us this vessel(our bodies) to take care of and respect, and to look to Him for EVERYTHING. I'm sure this post will not make it to the forum. I hope it does. I'm in pain too, because my love for her is so intense and I want only for my sister to have a happy, healthy life. GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU. Please focus on your own life and MOVE ON! You can't help them, they don't want your help.
.....sigh.....

Anonymous said...

After years of my father marrying a judgmental, mean Daily Scotch drinker opinionated mean person I thought what do you see in this person. They had a beautiful place with hills horses and parties all the time. I hate to visit this women he married and oh by the way they never invited me to the wedding they had but to be honest it was probably better anyway. For about 5 years I didn't even know their anniversary date and I just remembered when I did visit I felt like I was always walking on egg shells around her she was very opinionated seemed like at times she felt entitled to everything. She always had her political views and you had to see it her way even my dad took her side. I thought it was me and I hated coming up and visiting. She always had the say in the conversations my decisions were useless and I was such a liar. To be honest with you I had to lie because I was never able to be myself walking on egg shells all the time. Now after they have been married 20 years she suffered a stroke she has some memory loss or something her left arm she cannot move and I realized she is an alcoholic. Drinking Scotch daily and still doing it after a stroke it hit me all these years it was her not me. She still gets mean at times but I recently watched her and she drinks like a fish day and night hardly eats and is very demanding to be honest I don't know why my dad puts up with it. She is just killing herself but both her and my dad say mean remarks to me. I am starting to stand my ground and say oh really that is your opinion and walk away. I think she doesn't have much longer to live with the rate she drinks. My dad is just enabling it but she is not all their mentally anymore because of the stroke and I think she has chosen to live this way drink all day and sleep wake up at 1 in the afternoon. I can see you have to watch her she falls it is only a matter of time and people have mentioned it to my dad. I feel bad for my dad and her. But to be honest with the mean judgmental remarks they have said to me over the years I don't wish this upon anyone but part of me really doesn't care. I feel like saying good ridden but I keep my opinion to myself. But she is differently and alcoholic even if my dad doesn't see through it.

Judy Russ said...

I feel for you. I'm going thru something similar as you and it's tearing me apart. Your post is a few yrs old, I'm hoping you get this message and am curious how things are for you now.

Anonymous said...

It's 12:32 AM. My alarm clock will be going off in less than 6 hours. Have to get my 12 year old to school and me to work. I got home from the ER about 30 minutes ago. I showed up to take my mother a dinner plate and found her unresponsive and groaning on the floor of her apartment. Another 911 call. Luckily this time, I was able to talk the ER doc into keeping her until morning so I can get some sleep. My husband is beside me snoring. Although he is supportive, he doesn't truly understand.

I say all the time, if she had alzheimers we would know what to do. Alcohol has been her whole story. Thinking about my childhood, every memory revolves around treatment centers and drunk episodes. Right now, I can't think of one memory that doesn't involve mama and her alcoholism.

I have 2 older sisters and they deal with it too, but all of us in different ways. My oldest sister has gone incognito and the middle sister has the alcohol gene, so neither of them are much help. We are terribly disfunctional. They both call me the goody goody sister.

My mother is also immortal. I'm not sure how she's made it this far. Tonight her alcohol level was 411. No brain bleeds, no liver malfunctions, just a bunch of bruises and bumps from falling repeatedly. She has a black eye right now. Not sure how that happened. Her hip was replaced after a fall in April. She talked her way out of hip rehab after just 5 nights. We all knew why she was in a hurry to get home. And we were right. Drunk ever since pretty much.

I stayed with her last Saturday night because she had fallen and between 9:30 PM and 9:00 AM, she had fallen 12 times. Everytime I would nod off, I would wake up to a boom and her flat on the floor like a rag doll. Anyway, I'm rambling. Thanks for this blog. I get it.

coping said...

Hello anonymous.....you are a strong person, and a good daughter. I'm not surprised your sisters want to run the other way. Alcoholism is such a cruel disease, especially for family members to watch. I have dealt w/an alcoholic husband for 40 years. He is a cruel drunkard who torments his family for sport, and enjoys every minute of it. He drinks beer all day every day, ad has been doing that for as long as I can remember. It has been a long and painful journey, ruined meals, ruined vacations and holidays, daily verbal abuse....and literally driving our kids out of the house. He is immortal also....I swear he has absolutely nothing wrong w/him. I, on the other hand, have ruined my own health dealing w/him. As I write this....I sit in an upstairs bedroom...driven off by his ranting and raving and cruel abusive insults. I should have left long ago, but stayed...and it's just too late now to go. I'm just numb to all of it. Hang in there anonymous.....and stay strong. I get it too, and am so sorry for all of us blogging on here. Stay in touch.....we all need each other.

Jamesie said...

God bless you.

Anonymous said...

My father is 66 years old. He hates the ideas of doctors or hospitals so literally never goes. He is clearly an end-stage alcoholic. I wish I could get some type of estimate about how much time he has left but without a trip to any medical professionals that would be very difficult. He does not leave the house, wash, change clothes. He mostly sleeps. When he is up he drinks. he no longer eats anything. maybe 3 crackers in three days now. He mixes a little bit of juice or water with his vodka, not much. His short term memory is not good obviously. You have to see him daily or talk to him daily to realize that he just repeats the same statements, stories etc over every day. he doesn't mean to lie but always says he will be doing something later that day or tomorrow but I now know he is never actually doing any of it. he calls me to get his alcohol now bc he can't even make it to the store. Muscle wasting is so bad he can barely walk. He can sound pretty good then as soon as he has a drink he is a mess 10 minutes later.... in people's experience, how long could this continue???

Anonymous said...

My mother drank since I can remember. I have been told that when I was five, I told her best friend, "My mother is going to die." When she was sober, God she was the best mother. When she drank, she was just "gone." She was passed out on the couch a great deal and I was left with my very verbally abusive father. She would show up at events drunk, including things she was "in charge of" like the father-daughter banquet. She drank vodka and when she couldn't get it, because we lived on the farm, she drank rubbing alcohol. Took me years to figure that one out because it was hidden in plain sight. My father used this as an excuse to dump us and we moved out of state of which she spent the entire time passed out. I was 11. We moved again, and same story until she realized she needed money and got a job. You learn as a kid. Never have friends over. Never invite anyone in. Never volunteer your parent to help out in anything nor depend on them. I had acl knee surgery in high school and was on crutches. Full leg cast. She didn't show up. I walked two miles home on crutches rather than have someone know she was passed out. And yes, I was right. She was. I went to college and came home every weekend to find the same. Dog poo all over the carpet and she barely functioning day to day. I moved out of state-didnt know it at the time but I was running from both of them and myself. Met my wonderful husband. We started getting serious dating and boom, call from the doctor that she was hospitalized and had to be in my care. Moved her in with me. Told her if she drank we were done. She didn't....for a year. My husband and I were married and we both asked her to stay but she insisted on going back to her house out of state. We wanted her there. She was the "good" mom although her mind was not fully restored. On our honeymoon, repeat call from hospital. She had driven 24 hours by herself back home with success but couldn't not drink herself to death until I got back from my honeymoon? Cant tell you the disbelieve. So, I go back, get her permanently. I was 25 at that time. Her mind was fried. I had test after test done to see if it was alzheimers or drinking. Never will know for sure. I think it was both. I had two kids then, and was down to 105-110 pounds. My husbands mother died three months after we were married and he resented her being there in that shape because he didn't have his. Tore us up. I give him credit. He would never agree to a divorce but he should have because I was not good to him. Too independent and too engrained, hide at all costs. Protect the hurt internally so I never knew love grows. It is a living breathing thing. She died in a nursing home alone. They called me on a Friday that she wasn't feeling good. We didn't have the money for me to get there. She died on a Monday. I was 29.

Fast forward and I am 52. My husband died in July of a heart attack. All I can think of is how much time I lost with him because 1)I didn't know any other way 2)I didn't get counseling for someone to show me 3) I was too stubborn and set in my ways.

I know this is long. Moral of the story: For those of you who have family members going down this path, it is their life. You can't stop them. Believe me. I tried. You CAN stop them from taking you down the path with them and ruining your marriage or any shot at happiness. Let them go. Let them come back to you. Hard. Yep. You love them. The alternate is to be me. 52 with a husband gone that I loved more than life who put up with far more than he should have. That is the big regret of my life. He didn't know how valuable he was because I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him because that left me vulnerable. We children of alcoholics run at all cost of being vulnerable, don't we?

Anonymous said...

My mother drank since I can remember. I have been told that when I was five, I told her best friend, "My mother is going to die." When she was sober, God she was the best mother. When she drank, she was just "gone." She was passed out on the couch a great deal and I was left with my very verbally abusive father. She would show up at events drunk, including things she was "in charge of" like the father-daughter banquet. She drank vodka and when she couldn't get it, because we lived on the farm, she drank rubbing alcohol. Took me years to figure that one out because it was hidden in plain sight. My father used this as an excuse to dump us and we moved out of state of which she spent the entire time passed out. I was 11. We moved again, and same story until she realized she needed money and got a job. You learn as a kid. Never have friends over. Never invite anyone in. Never volunteer your parent to help out in anything nor depend on them. I had acl knee surgery in high school and was on crutches. Full leg cast. She didn't show up. I walked two miles home on crutches rather than have someone know she was passed out. And yes, I was right. She was. I went to college and came home every weekend to find the same. Dog poo all over the carpet and she barely functioning day to day. I moved out of state-didnt know it at the time but I was running from both of them and myself. Met my wonderful husband. We started getting serious dating and boom, call from the doctor that she was hospitalized and had to be in my care. Moved her in with me. Told her if she drank we were done. She didn't....for a year. My husband and I were married and we both asked her to stay but she insisted on going back to her house out of state. We wanted her there. She was the "good" mom although her mind was not fully restored. On our honeymoon, repeat call from hospital. She had driven 24 hours by herself back home with success but couldn't not drink herself to death until I got back from my honeymoon? Cant tell you the disbelieve. So, I go back, get her permanently. I was 25 at that time. Her mind was fried. I had test after test done to see if it was alzheimers or drinking. Never will know for sure. I think it was both. I had two kids then, and was down to 105-110 pounds. My husbands mother died three months after we were married and he resented her being there in that shape because he didn't have his. Tore us up. I give him credit. He would never agree to a divorce but he should have because I was not good to him. Too independent and too engrained, hide at all costs. Protect the hurt internally so I never knew love grows. It is a living breathing thing. She died in a nursing home alone. They called me on a Friday that she wasn't feeling good. We didn't have the money for me to get there. She died on a Monday. I was 29.

Fast forward and I am 52. My husband died in July of a heart attack. All I can think of is how much time I lost with him because 1)I didn't know any other way 2)I didn't get counseling for someone to show me 3) I was too stubborn and set in my ways.

I know this is long. Moral of the story: For those of you who have family members going down this path, it is their life. You can't stop them. Believe me. I tried. You CAN stop them from taking you down the path with them and ruining your marriage or any shot at happiness. Let them go. Let them come back to you. Hard. Yep. You love them. The alternate is to be me. 52 with a husband gone that I loved more than life who put up with far more than he should have. That is the big regret of my life. He didn't know how valuable he was because I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him because that left me vulnerable. We children of alcoholics run at all cost of being vulnerable, don't we?

coping said...

Anonymous....you are so right. I'm sorry for all you've been through. I'm on the flip side of the coin....my husband is horrible, been an alcoholic for 40 years....all of our marriage. He doesn't care about anything but beer....not me, not his kids, not his friends or family. He would crawl to the liquor store to buy his beer if he had to. I stayed w/him for our kids sake. Now they are grown and long gone, and I'm still here. I've wasted my life w/this monster...what's the point of leaving now? Those of you living w/alcoholics....GET AWAY, don't stay. They will not stop drinking...that's what they want to do, and they will take you down w/them. Don't wake up one day like me and realize you life is gone, and you can't turn back the clock and have a do over.
I wish someone would have made me wake-up to this years ago.....plz all of you on this blog...take care of yourself first.....do what you have to....to live a happy life,and be free of these monsters!

Mezzie said...

My brother age 50 has been drinking for the best part of 30 years. He lives with my mum who is 82 years, she is on a walker and needs home care. One would think that my brother would take the role of cater, sadly it is the other way around.
My brother hates everyone; especially me as I have called the police on him as mum was calling me stating she feared for her life.
My brother is a misogynist and the disparaging remarks he makes against women is utterly disgraceful. Mum is deeply religious
and he offends her religion.
I am the meat in the sandwich. Mum rings me. I call my youngest brother (he lives in Illinois) as mum begs me to let him know what's going on. But he is no help and ignores my pleas as he will not tolerate emotion, he has no feelings and doesn't seem to care for what mum is going though he is a malignant narcissist.,
Lately my brother - the alcoholic is getting worse and started to loose control of his bowels and he urinates in the bathroom sink.
He works as a postman, I am surprised he is still working though I am sure on the verge of loosing his job - he avoids going to work.
Lately his heart races he is suppose to see a specialist but refuses to, his diet s poor and he has stomach issues. His routine is work, pub, home eats up mums dinner and bed by 6pm.
He watches very violent movies which mum has to watch.
He takes antipsychotic medication seroquel
Mum had threatened to throw him out but he tells her he will hunt her down if she does. He controls her, opens her mail, rude to her friends who no longer visit. he deletes her messages on answering machine. Mum has to hang up whenever he walks into the room especially when I am on the phone. I am not allowed to visit mum when he is there.
Only last week I went to help mum with gel pads for her feet as she was having problems with her shoes and she didn't think she would make Xmas lunch at a club close by. He was angry I was there and he was swearing what the F is she doing here and other profanities.
I had to leave in a hurry.
For the 1st time ever I decried not to go to Xmas lunch and cancelled at the last minute, I thought bugger it my mental health comes first. I stayed home on my own and did nothing,
My brother will not admit he has a problem. He has never had treatment, let alone been hospitalised. Lately he has been screaming at mum how much he hates himself and everyone especially me. He wants to die and I really wish he will. I can't wait for the day.
I am shocked at myself for the pure hatred I have for him and how he treats mum. I have never been nasty to him, yet he had been nasty since I was a kid. My dad used to tell me " that's what you get for being a girl" especially after he had bashed me.
My died when I was 21 I am 49 next month. I was so happy when my dad died - alone. The whole family did not want to be by his side, he was a heavy alcoholic before he married mum. Life has not been easy. Mum had three breakdowns when we were little, compliments from my dads abuse.
My brother has never had a girlfriend and never moved. He admits no one would live with him, but he thinks he has the right to live in a very exclusive area with mum.
I try to look after my mental health. I see a psychiatrist and have major depressive disorder but have cut down on appointments as I can't afford the costs.
I realms want him to die and keep praying he will for mum's sake and mine.
It is helpful to have found this blog. Does any other bloggers hate their supposed love one?

Mezzie said...

My brother age 50 has been drinking for the best part of 30 years. He lives with my mum who is 82 years, she is on a walker and needs home care. One would think that my brother would take the role of cater, sadly it is the other way around.
My brother hates everyone; especially me as I have called the police on him as mum was calling me stating she feared for her life.
My brother is a misogynist and the disparaging remarks he makes against women is utterly disgraceful. Mum is deeply religious
and he offends her religion.
I am the meat in the sandwich. Mum rings me. I call my youngest brother (he lives in Illinois) as mum begs me to let him know what's going on. But he is no help and ignores my pleas as he will not tolerate emotion, he has no feelings and doesn't seem to care for what mum is going though he is a malignant narcissist.,
Lately my brother - the alcoholic is getting worse and started to loose control of his bowels and he urinates in the bathroom sink.
He works as a postman, I am surprised he is still working though I am sure on the verge of loosing his job - he avoids going to work.
Lately his heart races he is suppose to see a specialist but refuses to, his diet s poor and he has stomach issues. His routine is work, pub, home eats up mums dinner and bed by 6pm.
He watches very violent movies which mum has to watch.
He takes antipsychotic medication seroquel
Mum had threatened to throw him out but he tells her he will hunt her down if she does. He controls her, opens her mail, rude to her friends who no longer visit. he deletes her messages on answering machine. Mum has to hang up whenever he walks into the room especially when I am on the phone. I am not allowed to visit mum when he is there.
Only last week I went to help mum with gel pads for her feet as she was having problems with her shoes and she didn't think she would make Xmas lunch at a club close by. He was angry I was there and he was swearing what the F is she doing here and other profanities.
I had to leave in a hurry.
For the 1st time ever I decried not to go to Xmas lunch and cancelled at the last minute, I thought bugger it my mental health comes first. I stayed home on my own and did nothing,
My brother will not admit he has a problem. He has never had treatment, let alone been hospitalised. Lately he has been screaming at mum how much he hates himself and everyone especially me. He wants to die and I really wish he will. I can't wait for the day.
I am shocked at myself for the pure hatred I have for him and how he treats mum. I have never been nasty to him, yet he had been nasty since I was a kid. My dad used to tell me " that's what you get for being a girl" especially after he had bashed me.
My died when I was 21 I am 49 next month. I was so happy when my dad died - alone. The whole family did not want to be by his side, he was a heavy alcoholic before he married mum. Life has not been easy. Mum had three breakdowns when we were little, compliments from my dads abuse.
My brother has never had a girlfriend and never moved. He admits no one would live with him, but he thinks he has the right to live in a very exclusive area with mum.
I try to look after my mental health. I see a psychiatrist and have major depressive disorder but have cut down on appointments as I can't afford the costs.
I realms want him to die and keep praying he will for mum's sake and mine.
It is helpful to have found this blog. Does any other bloggers hate their supposed love one?

Ron Formento Jr said...

Jeez, I don't feel so alone! I have been dealing with alcoholism my whole life. Fortunately, I am not the one who is in trouble. My mother drank ever since I could remember. My father was building our business and traveled quiet a bit. Because my mother was an alcoholic, I was often the "adult" of the house as early as I could remember. Growing up, I will never forget the sound of the liquor cabinet opening up, clanking of bottle and my mother drinking straight from the bottle. I did everything to try and stop it. I poured it out. Replaced it with water, etc. Every time I would get beat. I would mention to my father that my mother was drinking and he would hit me too. I was in a no win situation. It wasn't until my mother was pregnant with my brother (mind you there are 13 years between us) and he was born with fetal alcohol syndrome. Even after the fact that he was born full term and only weighted 3 lbs, 9 oz and was 16 inches long, my father still didn't want to face the fact that my mother was an alcoholic. It wasn't until they were on vacation in Hawaii, when my mother's kidney's failed and she was forced to get help. Thankfully, I can report that my mom has been sober for over 30 years. But unfortunately, due to hereditary and genes, my sister is also an alcoholic. My sister has been drinking regularly for over 30 years. She has had 8 stints in rehab and none has worked. I would point it out to my parents that she is in bad shape, provided evidence and photos of her drinking, showing them the empty beer bottles, but as usual, they chose to ignore it and enable her to do it. Now she is in the final stages of alcoholism. She has had a number of stints in the hospital for extended stays, including one where she had perforated her colon and was suffering from sepsis and almost died. When I confronted my parents about sending her to rehab, the quote my mother gave me was "she doesn't need to go to rehab, she has a 20 inch scar to remind her." That was four years ago. Now she weighs maybe 85 pounds. Her hair is falling out in clumps. She doesn't eat anything and is so backed up, needs the assistance of an enema to go poop. Her muscles are so deteriorated that it is difficult for her to walk (mind you, she is only 42 years old). Her stomach is bloated, painful and distended because of her enlarged liver and pancreas. She has lost her house to foreclosure, her and her partner were married 4/1/15 and divorced after being together for 20 year after their reception (two months later). She has lost her drivers license, because of fear of seizures. Her eyes are jaundiced and her skin is purple (people who don't know her compliment her on her tan, even though she can't go in the sun). She has moved in with my parents. I have begged my parents to give her the "tough love" treatment, but they continue to inhibit her by allowing her to drink. The night before her wedding reception (and consequently discovered that she and her partner were getting), I confronted her and gave her an ultimatum: If she were to get help, I would walk hand and hand with her and support her 100%. If she decided to forgo rehab, I would have to turn my back on her and all but eliminate her from my life (including her nephews and niece). She unfortunately chose drinking over my proposal and I haven't spoken with her since August. After 30 plus years of dealing with her alcoholism, I had to turn my back on her for my own sanity. If my own parents wouldn't help her or are't concerned about her demise, then why should I?

mehunt said...

I understand your predicament and your concern. I'm married to an alcoholic and am one myself. My husband is 11 years older and has an advanced case of the disease. I pray that he will see his ailments as they relate to alcoholism.
Prayers for you and your family.

Julie Lawson said...

Hi all. Thank you so much for your sharing and stories. I live with my children's father and de facto. We have a mortgage together & he hid the fact that he drank a bottle of vodka every night from me before we moved in together. Im worried he is going to kill himself and leave us without him or an income. How can I make him stop? He has beat me. We have split before yet got back together for the kids. Im scared to have begun to fall into his cycle but now after reading I can see the symptoms. His family have normalized it yet I cant. He is not paying bills and pressuring me to go earn money yet wont curb his spending. Help please.

Julie Lawson said...

Thank you. Please read my post 2 down. My predicament is exactly as yours is. My children's father wont give up the vodka yet is going to have bankruptcy, debt collectors and our house lost if things don't change. Ive been abused, bashed, insulted, controlled financially and all for him not wanting to stop drinking vodka. I'm really scared for my children's future and my future. Any advice?

Anonymous said...

I to live this life and I see no end in site. Funny thing is my functioning alcoholic thinks he's fine, no problems for him. Although he takes probiotics everyday cause his stomach bothers him. Belly is getting fat, itching skin, back pain, but he is fine according to him. Each morning when he gets off work he drinks a 6 six pack and then later he will start on the whiskey or vodka and if he gets five hours of sleep hespecially good to go. According to him all his problems are related to working night shift for 30 years, but I know better. My son and I have figured out ecactus how our days are going to play out on his off days. First day off he will drink his 6 or 12 pack then when he sits down he's usually out in just a few minutes. Later that night when he was up he probably won't drink anymore and then the real nightmare begins on his full day off....coffee and then he starts now on to the beer and then when night time comes we are in for the real nightmare...whiskey with a very small amount of coke and this continues until he decides to eat someth I ng around 10 and as soon as he sits down he's out. Of course to him this happens cause you know how I am as soon as I eat I can't keep my eyes open...now my son is 18 and he wouldn't bring any of his friends to our house cause he is so embarrassed by how his dad will act. He can't wait to get out o f this house and me well I think I'm going to lose my mind.

Jenny said...

I read all the comments on here, I feel so bad for everyone! I have been married to an Alcoholic 13 years now. It is a rough life. I have 2 boys, 12 and 7. I worry about them constantly growing up to be like there father. My only hope is that his drinking is a good a influence on them because it shows them how not to deal with things. They are both good smart boys. This last year we left my husband to try and get him to quit drinking I had had enough of foul mouth and self righteousness and thinking he is so much smarter then everyone else. Plus he had smashed up my car and fell down the steps twice. We went back after 2 weeks and he treats me better but will not quit drinking. He likes it way too much. I found this blog because I was googling diseases and there symptoms that kill alcoholics I find myself obsessed with it. My grandfather died of liver cirrhosis at the age of 50 from alcoholism. My husband isn't end stage and maybe he is at no stage at all I am not sure. He has always slept all the time, been moody, he has been pooping blood for years, but recently his eating habits have changed he has lost weight and only eats little meals. He has been bloated and really gassy the last month. I guess I don't want to be blindsided if he does get an alcoholic disease. He drinks everyday at least a liter or more of moonshine. He won't quit and I have given up trying to force him. I guess I just want to be prepared. I have even read him symptoms of liver disease trying to scare him, nothing works. I am 38 he is 43. I think i will be a young widow.

Marjorie Reagan said...

God Bless you. Enjoy and remember he tried and the good parts of your Dad. I have lived to tell the tale I was the caretaker of mine for 11 years and choose to remember the good. I cannot believe anyone wants to be this way on purpose. You take care of yourself Celebrate recovery is where I heal and it could help you and perhaps your Dad n family. Prayers.

Anonymous said...

My sister is 58, she has been an alcoholic for over 7 years. She becomes almost demonic when she talks to me, her voice changes. A Catholic Bishop I know said it is a form of possession when they drink so much because they loose themselves, and the evil can take over. She calls me while she's drinking, although I've told her I will not speak to her when she's drunk. We used to be close, but I've realized I can do nothing for her. Once an alcoholic is immersed in her/his addiction, they won't come out of it, well, maybe death. It's so depressing and heartbreaking to see someone I love destroy themselves. There is nothing.. . . . n o t h i n g anyone can do to help them. My heart goes out to those of you who are married to an addict. It's not like you can just move out. You will probably have to start living separate lives. They sleep in one room, you sleep in the other. That's what my sister's husband does. If you can get out and find employment. . . yeah right in this economy? I know. If I were in that situation with an alcoholic husband, I would spend my time figuring out how to get out on my own and disappear. File formal separation papers so I would not be legally liable for anything they do, like drive drunk and hit and kill someone and get sued. Spend time in quiet meditation and ask God to direct you. You have to ask, trust Him, and then you listen He will answer you. Do it everyday. You're a good person, you don't deserve the bad treatment.

AmericanPatriot 1776 said...

Hello again,
Mine is the drunk abusive sister who gets that way when she drinks, 8 years now, she'll be 59 this year. And her husband stays with her, he tells her she is "the love of his life". He is everything a husband should be. He told me he's just going to keep going on with her. He says he lost her and found God. I told him to protect his assets just in case she hits and kills someone on the road driving out to get her wine. Alcoholics don't need a reason to drink, they'll tell everyone 'they have problems and that's why they drink' . . bull. They're addicts and that's all there is to it.

I have a need for advice for anyone who could offer some advice. My sister contacted me after 6 months of not talking to her because the last few phone conversations with her she was horrible and mean and drunk, so I told her to go away. In short, she's back and wants to start over. We do this over and over and over, but since I've had no contact I don't know if she's trying to get sober. This back and forth has gone on for several years and I find myself missing her, loving her, and, well, I just can't seem to motivate myself enough to call her. I'm just done with the BS. What do I do? What do I do?

Unknown said...

My mom is 76 and seems to be exhibiting the same behavior for end-stage alcoholism. She has moved in with me. She goes through 2 half gallons of vodka every few days. She has fallen multiple times breaking ribs, back vertabrae, bones in hand and feet. She has had stomach ulcers . She is now drinking and not eating. She is lying to me about eating. She using depends all of the time now and is too weak to make it to bathroom. I called rescue squad today to get her. She cannot stay with me any longer since she is not eating. I am worried about her hurting herself and/or burning the house down. She was so weak she couldn't light a lighter so she was catching a paper towel on fire to light a cigarette. She is good my to have to be somewhere they make sure she can't hurt herself anymore..somewhere she can't get to alcohol.

Leslie

laurarose8471 said...

Hi, my name is Laura and I'm the daughter of an alcoholic. I came across this blog looking for information about alcoholic death. My mom was found dead, on the toilet, the evening of June 23rd, 2014. The last time I saw and spoke to her was 11 days prior. I'm fairly certain I was the last family member to see her or talk to her before she died. She was so sick. She had been sick for a long time. She was laying in bed, probably for days. She didn't try to sit up. I didn't notice the jaundice at the time, but I did notice how her throat an belly moved like she was on the verge of vomiting. I saw how big and round her belly was, how it stuck out. She always had a belly, but it never looked like that. I remember her eyes. She knew what was coming. But as always she downplayed it so I left her in her home, all alone, told her to call me if she needed anything. She never called me. And still I don't know why her death certificate says atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease as the COD she died died on he toilet yes but she always had diarrhea for years she lost her bowels before she made it to the toilet there was probably no need to push and now after reading about end stage alcoholism it's obvious it was alcoholic hepatitis or cirrhosis. Why did the medical examiner put atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease as COD?? The paperwork doesn't matter in the end. I know it doesn't change the fact that she was unhappy for literally her entire life and she drank to numb the pain and she is gone now. I miss her so much. She deserved better than what she had her childhood and the demons from it that haunted her made her kill herself at 57 after 40 years of poisoning herself not only with the alcohol but with her negative thoughts always feeling that she was never good enough for anything. Tell your end stage alcoholic family member you love them everyday even if there's contention because you might not get a chance to later. And if you are the end stage alcoholic and you know your time is soon, DONT keep it a secret!! Don't let your family find you like we had to find my mom!!!

laurarose8471 said...

Hi, my name is Laura and I'm the daughter of an alcoholic. I came across this blog looking for information about alcoholic death. My mom was found dead, on the toilet, the evening of June 23rd, 2014. The last time I saw and spoke to her was 11 days prior. I'm fairly certain I was the last family member to see her or talk to her before she died. She was so sick. She had been sick for a long time. She was laying in bed, probably for days. She didn't try to sit up. I didn't notice the jaundice at the time, but I did notice how her throat an belly moved like she was on the verge of vomiting. I saw how big and round her belly was, how it stuck out. She always had a belly, but it never looked like that. I remember her eyes. She knew what was coming. But as always she downplayed it so I left her in her home, all alone, told her to call me if she needed anything. She never called me. And still I don't know why her death certificate says atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease as the COD she died died on he toilet yes but she always had diarrhea for years she lost her bowels before she made it to the toilet there was probably no need to push and now after reading about end stage alcoholism it's obvious it was alcoholic hepatitis or cirrhosis. Why did the medical examiner put atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease as COD?? The paperwork doesn't matter in the end. I know it doesn't change the fact that she was unhappy for literally her entire life and she drank to numb the pain and she is gone now. I miss her so much. She deserved better than what she had her childhood and the demons from it that haunted her made her kill herself at 57 after 40 years of poisoning herself not only with the alcohol but with her negative thoughts always feeling that she was never good enough for anything. Tell your end stage alcoholic family member you love them everyday even if there's contention because you might not get a chance to later. And if you are the end stage alcoholic and you know your time is soon, DONT keep it a secret!! Don't let your family find you like we had to find my mom!!!

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to all the writers. Thank you for sharing such powerful and painful stories. Mine falls in line with so many here. I was married to a wonderful guy, big heart, funny, life of the party. Over the twenty some years of our marriage his drinking switched from happy hour-on to all day and night. He became mean and cruel and abusive, a shell of himself, lost his job. He is currently living with friends because there is a restraining order, and while that has for the present saved me and the kids from watching him destroy himself and our lives, I have such a profound pain in my heart for the life he is giving up. I worry for my kids who will grow up knowing their father chose vodka over them. I am so angry and sad. Maybe this is the week I will try alanon, not really sure what else to do. I want to stay strong for the kids. Thanks so much for this forum, it helps to just write this down.

coping said...

Anonymous...stay strong. I know it is hard not to be sad and bitter, but you need to live YOUR life now. These alcoholic husbands take so much from us. I know...I've been w/one for 40 years. I stayed for my kids. Now they are gone and I'm still here.
Wish I could have a do over, but, we all know that's not possible. Take care of yourself and your kids...forget the loser...he's made his choice....and it's vodka.
God Bless!...and keep writing.

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog and am grateful. I have just received news that my brother is in end stage. We have been estranged for years and although I've made peace with it, as I read this I realize he may not have made peace with all the people he hurt over the years. It is a solitary disease and I have a crushing sense of empathy for how his life has been. How incredibly sad to have it all end with pain and confusion. He is my brother and I love him and I'm sorry for how his life turned out. If I could do anything to make it different I would, but it's no different than when I watched our sister die of cancer, it's just not something I am in charge of. My hope is that he doesn't suffer much longer, and if that means his death, then God be with him.

100savanna said...

I don't know if things have improved for you as I see it's a while ago. End stage can last a seriously long time though.

100savanna said...

Does anybody still follow this thread - I am in a pretty bad way with my end stage father - he is bed bound and isolated apart from me an my sister, his wife is not permanently in hospital with end stage. It would be helpful to talk to people who have gone through this - the hardest part is being dragged into it 7 days a week because he can't stand to feed himself and won't have carers or allow himself to be admitted to hospital... It is killing me - the guilt, the sadness and heartache, people just don't understand why I can't walk away or cut out the pain, he is so sorrowful and depressed, he is hateful and sad but he was a good person a long one ago with a good heart.

teev said...

I work with a woman who's husband is ruining her life by being a alcoholic , he's caused so many issues in her life , he is very selfish .. Long story short he's dying ... And she's very upset , but I think in a year or 2 she will see how better off she is without him.

Anonymous said...

Thank you im watching my husband choose death over sobriety

Anonymous said...

my father died 6 weeks ago from his alcoholism. I knew he was going to die 8 weeks before his death.

your blog helped me those last week's.

I did everything I could to help him not die in his abusive, squalor home. well....not true. I wouldn't take him in. nor would my siblings.

I have guilt and regret about that.

but I had my 2 year old daughter to consider.

he was end stage, but a fall killed him. he fell. he called me on mother's day....I wasn't going to call him back, but decided to. it would,be the last time we ever spoke.

he told me he fell and was going to doctor the next day.

fast forward 36 hours later, his wife calls to tell me he is in hospital dying.

I held him. stroked his hair. sat with him as he left the world.

daddy.

alcoholism sucks.

Francis McAnarney said...

In 1956 the American Medical Association declared Addiction to alcohol and other drugs was a DISEASE. Defined as
PRIMARY= cause unknown, etiology undetermined.
PROGRESSIVE = gets worse over time, never better, predictable course.
CHRONIC= incurable, longer than six months. no cure.
FATAL= causes premature termination of the life of the host.

In 1959 the American Psychiatric Association followed the path of the AMA proclamation.

Primary means cause unknown. Secondary diseases are caused by a primary disease. Tertiary disease is caused by secondary diseases. Secondary diagnoses in the primary disease of addiction are impaired thinking, cravings, depression and most mental and emotional conditions. Tertiary diagnoses are physical problems, cuts bruises, liver, lung and wet brain.

Anonymous said...

I am married to an alcoholic and have been for ten years. Since he is semi retired he has gotten much worse. I no longer go out in public with him because he is an embarrasment. I stopped taking trips with him after he ruined the last 5 or 6 . He coughs constantly and makes loud noises like clearing his throut . He always seems so have a huge build up of mucus, Im sure partially from smoking 3 packs a day. I am recovering from open heart surgery and when I came home. our house smelled like an ash tray. If im home he smokes outside. he drinks a bottle of brandy a day plus what he drinks at the bar. He is extreemly negative, bigoted,racist etc. He has just become a hater of anything he doesnt know or understand. My bigest fear is when he drives. Sometimes I feel like I should report him when I know hes driving drunk. I know if he ever hurt anyone doing it I could not forgive myself.

t o

coping said...

Dear anonymous...sympathize with you so much! My story is much the same...only been married for 45 years to an alcoholic.He has gotten much worse since he retired 6 years ago. He is nasty, mean, verbally abusive and has destroyed his relationships w/all his family. I dread going anywhere w/him....only when necessary. We don't go out to eat or on vacations.....he ruins those every time. He is also negative, racist and extremely self centered. You can never have a conversation w/him because he is always right....and starts arguments over nothing. He has made my life miserable, and sometimes I just want to take off and disappear. Alcohol is a terrible thing...it is a demon that destroys so many lives! Those of us dealing w/this.....I pray for us all.

Pamela Steel said...

Thank you for your comments, my father in law has just been found dead and although we are in shock we should have seen it coming. He has been estranged from much of the family for just over a year and a half because of his alcoholism. My mother in law moved close to us to be near her grandchild around about then. When they were together she battled to keep him off the hard stuff, made him food, washed and ironed his clothes, made him go to the doctors and go out and work. This took an enormous toll on her so eventually after many years she left him in order to take her own life back. He was definitely in this final stage, my partner feels a lot of guilt about not doing more for his dad, not talking to him more as do I.

vera balogun said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jenn said...

Thank you the posts & comments. I stopped talking to my sister for about 10 years. During this time, she was in and out of the hospital and drunk nonstop. The last time she was in the hospital before she got sober for about 2 years my mom was broken, the doctors told her if she didn't stop she wouldn’t be around much longer they kept her to detox she went right back. My mom was broken, she realized there was nothing she could do so I decided to reach out to my sister for the first time in years. I got her into a rehab she did great went to AA daily & worked hard when living with me. I helped her get a car because she was working & doing good, that was the end. Freedom was all she needed. She is in the hospital for the 2nd time this week, it's killing me to see her like this.
I can't do this anymore, I’m not sure I’m helping her I think I am making it easy to drink because I forgive & help. She recently went on a work trip for me and I lost a contract for 25K because she decided to fake sick and sit at the hotel bar alone for the two days. She told me she wasn't drinking until I had the meeting & learned what happened. I wouldn't have sent her had I know she was drinking again. When she got back she wasn in the hospital. Got out says she didn't want to live that life or be that person stopped drinking for day or two and was back at it. Her boyfriend is out of town, father passed she was supposed to go yesterday but got drunk & decided to mess around with her good friend. He is a great guy and would never hurt her, she’s tired to help her more than anyone I know, he’s always liked her but never expected anything he wants her to get sober and do good, they meet at AA and he tries so hard to help people. He is a great guy and whatever they did they did but she turned around and said she raped her. He would never do that, she tried to tell me he did & told her boyfriend the story & got upset nobody believed her texted her BF & said she did something stupid so I called an ambulance, and she is currently in the hospital. She went as far as telling the cops her rape story which I know is not true. She even threatened to kill him, just snapped which is her when she drinks it's scary.
I have not been to see her she made it clear that she didn't want to see me when they were asking her to go to the hospital. Now she is texting me every few hours to tell me she is still in there still, I don't know if she is expecting me to go get her and bring her to my house I can't. Here BF asked her to leave. I don't know where she will go but I can't have her here like that. I have kids, I don't know if she would have a crazy moment and try to hurt someone.
have told her that I love the sister I know is in there with all my heart and that I'm willing to help that sister but that is all I offer her. My hope is she will go to rehab but I'm doubtful it seems that the lifestyle that makes her so incredibly depressed, mean, and unpleasant is the one she likes. I’m scared for her, I love her and it’s hard .
I have not talked to anyone about this, I don’t' know where to begin I’m sort of the rock of the family when it comes to this. I think she is at the end stage when she drinks it's like everything changes - she doesn't sleep, doesn't eat, gets crazy, is mean, sneaks, lies, doesn't care who she hurts as long as she has her drink and will drink anything from mouthwash to vanilla. She has stomach issues, before she stopped drinking that continue now.
I don't know what to do or how to feel. I just want my little sister to be happy, healthy and here. This disease is sick and I think we should all be sharing our stories with the younger generation because drinking is all the rage, it not!
If anyone feels the need to reach out whether for advice, just someone to talk to, or to share your story I'm here. My email is jennsblahblahblog@hotmail.com.

Unknown said...

Hello, I have been sober since 2013. I received help through AA & have started my journey late in life, I am a 53 yr old female. What I do know is this disease is progressive & I always drank like my friends did growing up starting at 15. I was never an every day drinker, never had the shakes however towards the later part of my drinking, I drank vodka from the bottle in my back yard by the pool while my family was off on their boat for the weekend. Alcoholism n

nadine korner said...

Alcoholism knows no boundaries, color, race creed or economic status. I do know that alcoholism is genetic my dad had this disease & died at 35 strictly from drinking beer all his life. Combine that with a penchant to numb myself to who I was, not knowing myself & the feeling of "less than" add in a divorce & there you have it. Life gets better & I attribute it to the program of AA.

Anonymous said...

Hi, thanks for the blog.
I have found this by googling "end stage"
I am currently going through this with my dad. And at a loss, he is scared of detox because the withdrawal is so horrific as it is. He's drinking a bottle of vodka and 6 beers daily, not eating not sleeping. He looks very sick.
He's given up completely, so I don't know if it's even worth trying the detox/rehab route as I know that will be horrendous.
He gets some respite from the pain while he's intoxinated. I'm so lost, do I let him die this way or do I try one last time??!! Scared and confused

SpiritualPerspectives said...

My mother is codependent&abusive and my father is in end stage alcoholic.
Hes in and out of hospital, my boyfriend can't believe that he continues to drink and smoke/ get high when he comes out each time. He goes back in for bleeding, has a serve invincibility complex "Im healthy! The doctors said I am perfect condition".

I detached myself from him years ago and never let him see how I really feel about the situation.. he thinks I don't know hes an alcoholic. Always telling me these insane fantasy stories about the doctors saying "hes the best patient they've ever had" or hes the "hero of the hospital" delusions of grandeur...

He also thinks hes the King of the world, and wants to be the president of the world to sort out the worlds problems. "how will you do it Dad?.." "COMMON SENSE". Right...wouldn't the commonsense be to stop drinking and killing yourself?

A couple of months ago before he went to hospital he told me that he tried to killhimself by swimming out into the ocean..but then got half way and turned back because he "wanted to live". My mother who is totally over it said "should of brought a backpack filled with wine bottles to drown you".

Its pretty intense for me to deal with.. im a strong person..but also just extremely detached from the situation - you have to be to survive living with these types of people.

I just want him to die peacefully..and for mum to be free from him.
I feel burden from the things he lays down on me. Spends weeks denying his approaching death and then springs the darkest things on me while im making breakfast or dinner. "I died in the hospital twice last week, and let me tell you.. theres nothing on the other side.. theres no god.. nothing just black. Don't tell your mother.. she wont be able to handle it". Then he just walks away. No hug, not comfort. Just cold truth. What makes him think I can handle it?

I am a very spiritual person and believe that life is what you make of it and what you believe in is truth. If dad believes threes nothing on the other side then that's exactly what he will pass into. It mirrors much of his living life - static stagnate - no change no effort no love. He will reep what he has sown. If you believe in change,healing, growing and moving into the next stage of your life and you do so on the daily then when you pass over you will experience a collective of these things on the otherside. A completion of your process.

Im just a student (and an only child) trying to get my life together - every time I have an assignment I am burdened with the bullshit that is my biological family. I don't let it effect me but it piles up - I don't want to suppress so I try to release it. But it adds a lot of stress to my life.

In 22years I have learned so much about people and myself and the world. I wouldn't trade it for anything because I have gained so much awareness from my suffering and the suffering of my parents. I have the ability to empathize with even the most evil and twisted people and see thousands of perspectives. It is hard but it will get better :) I see the light because I was born into darkness.

Anonymous said...

I am reading all these comments and they are the story of my life. I am 39 years old and my husband is 41. He is a full blown alcoholic. He is currently in the hospital with severe alcohol withdrawal. Went to the ER with a sever bleeding ulcer. All I know is that I can't do this anymore. It scares me for him to get out of the hospital because I have no hope that he will stop drinking. I need to get out for myself and my children. God give me the Strength. I have to leave him but I feel so guilty about leaving him for his stepdad and brother to take care of him. Because he will need someone to take care of him, he can't take care of himself. I am a Catholic Christian married through the Catholic so I have a lot of guilt about leaving him. After all I promised God I would stay with him through Sickness and this is his sickness.

ALcoholic in ens stage said...

I am that guy!! I have been to rehab / detox more times than I have fingers and toes!!! at this time I honestly wish it would end. I love my family to much to take my own life but I am letting alcohol kill me slowly. We were out at lunch today and I had one of the worse public panic attacks that I have ever had!!! I just turned 50 and I just knew that was the end.. I finally got home told the family I was fine had 3 very large drinks of Vodka and now I am no longer freaking out!! I know this sounds like something that I can control but trust me it is not. For the families that suffer with an alcoholic I feel for you because I know what I put my family through!! that is why I think it would be better to just let go and go home

Anonymous said...

My message is for all of you who are affected by an alcoholic and especially to all spouses and partners with families involving children. Please get out before it's too late. You can't help no matter how much you try. All that will happen is you will ruin your own life and that of your children. Please read the posts here to see things for yourself. I was shocked by a man writing about his alcoholism which now affect his son as well. That's what happens if you stay. No amount of love will cure an alcoholic, no amount of help will do the trick, no amount of compassion will help. That's the sad reality. I'm speaking from a position of a person who was involved in a relationship with an alcoholic. The only way is out. Run as fast as possible, now!

Unknown said...

Hi, I have recently moved in with my dad and going threw the exact thing. He started falling like 2 weeks ago. He eats nothing. I try not to leave him for very long cause I don't know if I'll come home and find him dead. I've tried to except his decision and I cried for a week!

Anonymous said...

Hi. I am concerned about my son who has been an alcoholic since the age of about 16 (he is now 29). All the descriptions of end-stage alcoholism seem to apply to him at the moment. Is this possible at such a young age? I am at a loss as what to do to help him into recovery, having been "the ambulance at the end of the cliff" so many times....

Windy Oktober said...

Desperate.. Im so sorry.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to be honest with you. Most alcoholics don't recover, and most will refuse to recover. My dad is very similar to your boyfriend, except he drinks beer 24/7. He weighs about 120 pounds, he lost all of his muscle and body weight and is an end stage alcoholic. I mean you should try and convince him for your own conscience, but don't allow his negative habits to dictate your life. My father almost lived with my sister for a while. She ended up having to kick him out due to the marital problems they were having because of him. Frankly I dont blame her. He has moved in with me and he is a beacon of negativity. I should be leaving soon and turning over the apartment to him. We have all tried to convince him to seek medical aid and to detox from alcohol, but he has zero interest in doing so. Even now, when it is killing him. I just hope you walk away from this and live your life.

Margaret Kinney said...

Is this still active? I lost my son to end stage liver disease. He was only 35.

Trish Mullin said...

I am so glad I found your blog. I am a recovering binge drinker who has been sober for 5 months. My boyfriend is most definitely an alcoholic who in a weird way made me realise that I had a problem, and didn't want to live that way anymore. He has never been to rehab, he thinks the way he drinks is perfectly fine. He orders a 12 of 710ml cans every other day. A few months ago I had to take him to the hospital as he was filling the toilet with blood. Diagnosis bleeding ulcer, which he blames on me not the alcohol. The doctor also mentioned to him that he was looking awfully yellow. I've noticed he has almost a greyish/yellow look to him lately all the time. He has fallen in the shower and left the oven on all night only for me to realise that it was on with blackened charred food inside, with myself and the kids all asleep. He has been staying up all night lately and sleeping all day. He has a good job but gets laid off in the winter time. I noticed the other day while he was showering that his belly looked bigger and swollen but in a tight way. I dont know what I can do to help him. :(

Francis McAnarney said...

Some people say you are strong to hang on;
I say you are stronger if you let go.

Anonymous said...

I'm going thru the same thing he promises to quit he's mean to me always in his room after work he hasn't been eating the lady 3 days now I'm afraid I'm going to find him dead one day I shouldn't have to live like this.

Chickie said...

My ex boyfriend died April 21st, 2015. I found out yesterday. We hadn't been together since 2009, and had only spoken twice since. When in 2010 he contacted me through my illustrator to tell me of his diagnosis, I did not believe him. It felt like just another guilt trip. Our relationship was both the most exciting and the most painful time of my life. We met at the airport, like in a book. We kissed on the Golden Gate Bridge. He is absolutely the funniest man I'm ever going to know. I had no idea such depths of wit were possible. On the other hand, he forced me to watch him kill himself in slow motion for four years. I could do nothing to stop him from 1500 miles away, a fact of which he reminded me constantly. I spent four years of my life wrapped around someone who would remember almost nothing of them. He was cognitively absent while I poured myself in to the point where I had nothing left to cope with. He did awful things, made inhuman demands, and didn't remember any them, whereas I will never forget. He framed those events for self-pity, and broadcast those versions to everyone we knew, who may still believe I killed him by leaving. I am in contact with his ex, who I hope will help me picture his last months, so I can at least stop imagining them. I used to have to send her to his house to make sure he was OK, as no one else lived near enough to do this. I loved this man, and this man loved me. He was good, but in the same package with that goodness was a drinking problem that killed him, and destroyed what was left of my fractured little family. I wanted to accept him whole, but had young children to consider. Today I would do things differently, if only so he'd die happier, but back then I thought an ultimatum would work. It didn't, and they never do, but I will try to forgive myself for being so bloody obstinate: I believed I was doing the right thing, the all-time most-famous last words. He chose to drink and die, not us, but now I'm starting to understand his helplessness, and how my approach contributed to it. I wish I could go back and just re-phrase absolutely everything. His light was already failing when we met, but I should have preserved more of it for him in me, which I think was the point of us falling in love. He gave me good things, like a legendary romance, a new sense that I deserved devotion, and was clever and talented. I will always carry those, and honour him with every recognition as the one who gave me the confidence to try, and to trust my work would be received. But I honestly believed, until 12 hours ago, that when we finally quit nursing all our disappointment, we would reconnect, on more realistic terms, and be best friends. I waited too late, I nursed it too long, and my young love is gone. PEOPLE: please don't let a life expire on resentment. Feelings are subjective, and transitory, but death is very permanent and uncompromising. My heart is broken, and I don't know how to be in myself with it. I suppose if I could imagine the perfect person to comfort me in this, it would be Pete (when he was not drinking).

Anonymous said...

to Desperate . . . I stayed with my beautiful boyfriend and then husband who was an amazing person with as you say terrible demons . . . 9 years as BF, 19-1/2 years as my husband. I watched the dis-ease of alcoholism take him over that period of time . . . he was the kindest gentlest loving person I'd every met, so talented and creative, a musician and artist, there wasn't anything he couldn't figure out how to fix, smart smart man and talented beyond belief. We met when we were 15 and grew up together. I packed a bag and leashed up my dog late one night after I thought he would kill me at age 42, and never looked back. He had grown into a dangerous person when drunk, and I didn't want to die to. Alcohol had ravaged his body, his mind and his soul. It is seemingly impossible to leave someone you love so much. I left my soul mate. Have I regretted it even though it was crazy hard ? no, and in retrospect knowing all I know now, it was the right and only thing to do. I left and had a new life on my own. I thought love, care, support, bringing in outside help etc. would turn it around. No, it didn't. A few times he quit, lasted sometimes up to a year, but then he'd fall hard, really hard. He went about killing himself slowly, and I loved him too much to sit hopelessly on the sidelines and watch. You have to decide? to do you want to move forward and have a good happy life or do you want to suffer and regret staying.

Anonymous said...

This is so depressing. My husband is in rehab for the fourth time. I see my life in these stories and I am terrified. Is there really no hope? Is there nothing that can be done to help our loved ones out of the hell they are living in? We can cure many diseases. Is there anything out there that works? Is anyone truly researching this?







Anonymous said...

I am not ready to give up. Does anyone know of a blog to help me cope?

John Huey said...

My only problem today is the first drink and I never picked up the first drink drunk. ALCOHOL IS ALWAYS THE PROBLEM IN ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS.

Always.

Anonymous said...

I've been drinking for around 2 weeks straight all day and night it's not fun anymore had some tomato soup and it killed me can't eat I tried to stop about a month ago and it was horrible

Anonymous said...

My sister has been an alcoholic for over 30 years she's 52 years old. She has been in and out of rehabs in and out of hospitals right now she's very thin and drinking hard liquor everyday we don't know how long we have with her. She got out of the hospital 6 days ago and is drinking hard liquor his torn our family apart.

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