But... I love him...

I hear a lot about love while coaching spouses of alcoholics. There is always a lot of talk back and forth about the dis-deeds and wrong-doings of the alcoholic. The spouse knows its alcoholic behavior but discounts the actions as through the alcoholic had control or the ability to make logical decisions.

For the my writing convenience, I’m going to use the pronoun as male (him, his, etc.) so that I don’t have repeat the same words for the female partner. So I will refer to the spouse as the groom, husband, father but I mean for it to hold true for bride, wife, mother.

The alcoholic is damaged. The brain is damaged. Once the alcohol saturates the frontal lobe, all rhyme or reason goes out the window. Alcoholics are not rational people and are incapable of using a normal logical thought process to make decisions. They are changed from the toxins.  They are like the Mr. Hyde to the Dr. Jekyll, so to speak.

A lot of times, when I ask why they stay in the marriage or in the home, the response is “I love him.”

Who? Who is it that you love? Where is that person? Surely it’s not the one living in your home and claims to be mate. That person... the one you exchanged vows with… no longer exists. The person you said you will stay married to in good times and bad, is not the one you claim to “love” in the present moment. The person receiving your reassuring words of forever fidelity, has left the building and doesn’t remember what any of those vows were all about.

The person you married before the alcoholic behavior moved in and set up residence, meant every single loving word he said. He wanted to be a good husband and father. But, when the alcohol took over the persona, he stopped caring about anything having remotely to do with a marriage or partnership. It’s not the fault of that person who stood with you and promised to be with you forever. He meant well. He loved. He cared. But, the alcoholic is not “him”. The alcoholic cares about the alcohol. Alcohol is the new partner, mistress, lover.

You can’t fight this new entity in your loved one’s life. You can’t get rid of it. It will only leave when your husband has decided it is time for it to go. Even if he goes to rehab and denounces that mistress, he will never come back to you in totality. The focus will become his sobriety making the sobriety his new mistress.

If you decide to stay in your marriage, you must understand what you are going to encounter. You must understand that whatever method you used to “help” your husband before alcohol, will not work now that alcohol is in control. No ultimatum, no threat, no action, is going to give the result of a cessation of the drinking. Only when the husband decides to quit, will it happen. Even then he may not have the strength to take the action to stop.

There’s nothing wrong with loving your spouse. There’s nothing wrong with staying because you love someone. But staying because you love him and expect him to be the same man you married, is not realistic. If you stay you will have to make adjustments. You will have to accept that he is not the same person. It will be hard but not impossible.

I don’t tell anyone whether they should stay or go. It’s not my decision to make. However, I make an exception when there is physical violence in the home. There is never a good reason to stay if you are being abused. It’s dangerous because you don’t know how far the alcohol will allow the abuser to go. Leave and go to a safe place. If you can and feel you have the time, prepare for your exit. But never stay during a physical confrontation. Get out. Get out right then and there. Your life is too important to take the chance of losing it.

And, if you say “But I love him” while someone is pounding your face to a pulp… remember that is not the way the man you love would treat you. Your abuser is a stranger – treat him like any other stranger who assaults you. Fight back. The minute you can, call the cops and press charges. Let him go to jail so the situation can calm down. While he is gone, make your plans to either keep him away or get out of Dodge.

You are not having him arrested to punish him. You are doing what you have to do to give yourself some time to figure out what you are going to do. Whatever you do, don't do nothing. Nothing will put you right back into the same face pounding that you escaped.

Your life is just as valuable as his. Take care of yourself by protecting yourself.

If you need help in figuring out how to get out, need a sounding board, or just a non-judgmental listener, take advantage of my Coaching Programs. E-mail LindasFrontPorch@outlook.com for more information. You're not alone.